Hi. I am really struggling tonight. Really struggling.
Hi Compassion14,
I just want to let you know how sorry I am that you're going through this. I hear the pain and hurt in your post. I know how incredibly painful this must be for you.
I so want him to validate what we had. I so want him to hold me in his arms and tell me that it was real and that he did love me and that he's sorry for how he's behaving now (blanking me regarding repaying £10,000 he owes me - playing the victim when I try to push him on his obligations.)
It's natural to want that validation. Validating another is such a simple, loving thing to do. It facilitates a sense of wellness in both parties, and fosters goodwill between them.
I know I was a good, honest and loving person without him validating it. I know he was in the wrong and abused the love and trust he got. I shouldn't need him to validate that anymore than he has in the past (which he has on occasion, to his credit) Why do I feel so empty and in need of his presence and discussion?
Yes, you are good, honest and loving. (In bold above) Because you're traumatized. Your mind is trying to make sense of your experience. You want answers, and validation, and that's normal. Can those answers and validation come from within you? Redirect what you provided him (good, honest, loving), inward toward yourself. Try to leave him out of the equation, and redirect that love at yourself each and every day.
It was always all about him, so what makes me think that this time, this one time if I can just catch him face to face, it'll be different?
Bingo! Make it about you, now. You may be setting yourself up for more pain if you have a face-to-face with him. But only you know what's right for you. We'll be here to support you whatever you decide to do.
He had lucid, highly apologetic moments in the past - perhaps I'm hoping for another of those.
I remember those days too, and I used to hope as well. Do you suppose he was mirroring your fine traits and values? I'm sure that he meant what he said to you during those moments. Sadly, the feelings and awareness during those lucid moments don't necessarily carry over to the next moment.
Only this time I have caught him lying, on-going big lies, and for a change I've called him on them. He ignores my valid desire for answers - only to try to resume the role of victim. It's utterly infuriating and shaming almost. Am I not worthy of explanations? Am I not worthy of respect?
Yes, you deserve an explanation. Yes, you deserve respect. Good for you for protesting his behavior.
You will only get the respect that you demand. If someone isn't treating you with respect, step out of their way. Move them out of your space. As Maya Angelou once said, "Not in my house!" Let that be your mantra.
I am on the brink of starting a legal action against him. It is the last thing I want to do. It will kill me inside. But my self esteem requires it - as does my bank balance.
I don't blame you for feeling that way. (In bold) That's how he wants you to feel. Don't allow it. Take his emotional stuff and toss it back at him.
Not in my house! If I could get by without repayment, I'd walk away from it. I'd call it a financial loss and I'd get on with my healing. If I wasn't in a financial position to do that, and I'd attempted to collect the debt without success, I'd seek the advice of an attorney.
I am also, linked to this, on the brink of going to see him and look him in the eye, one more time, and ask him if this is how it needs to be - legal action to have him be honourable.
The only behavior you can control is your own. You're not on this planet to teach him, or show him what it means to have a moral compass.
Make yourself the priority. If that means taking legal action, look out for your interests and explore that option. In the end,
do what is best for you.
Do you think this is wise?It feels necessary.
Please help.
Compassion14
I think it would be wise to consult an attorney. Then proceed. ((Hugs to you))
