NC seems to be the most compassionate thing

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

BPDex contacted me recently. We hadn't seen eachother in 7 months. Broke up three years ago. I didn,t know what he wanted or where he was at (not at all connected on social media with him and refuse to stalk him there) so agreed to meet with him.  We rehashed some old things, he apologized. He's still with the replacement - she has the same mixed background/culture as me, and the same name (he likes to emphasize all the similarities she and I have which sadly kept me thinking it was me he really wanted). A mutual friend once mistook her for me... .Replacement was out of town when he asked to meet up.  We met for coffee and afterwards, he started texting me, saying it was hard to say goodbye, he wanted to see me again. I told him it was too hard for me. Then I had a flurry of messages on wattsapp that he wanted to sleep with me one last time - before the replacement came back. He begged. Still I was insulted... .I felt foolish for even expecting anything different from him. I said no.

I conclude that he is an addict - addicted to drama, to pain, to adrenaline, to sex? and I am just another hit. I see how it's painful for him, and how it's painful for me. I always thought NC was more painful for him because he felt abandoned. But now I see how contact is equally painful - for both of us. But I think I finally feel OK about it. What I hate is the guilt that has always come with my enforcing no contact. It always creeps back in, I hope it doesn't this time... .This time I'm not doing it out of anger or out of fear. I'm hurt but I need to accept that he is this way. I do see now how its best for me, and for him. I think the latter, hopefully will allow me to move on. I guess I couldn't do it just for me.

[hotncold]

BPDex contacted me recently. We hadn't seen eachother in 7 months. Broke up three years ago. I didn,t know what he wanted or where he was at (not at all connected on social media with him and refuse to stalk him there) so agreed to meet with him.  We rehashed some old things, he apologized. He's still with the replacement - she has the same mixed background/culture as me, and the same name (he likes to emphasize all the similarities she and I have which sadly kept me thinking it was me he really wanted). A mutual friend once mistook her for me... .Replacement was out of town when he asked to meet up.  We met for coffee and afterwards, he started texting me, saying it was hard to say goodbye, he wanted to see me again. I told him it was too hard for me. Then I had a flurry of messages on wattsapp that he wanted to sleep with me one last time - before the replacement came back. He begged. Still I was insulted... .I felt foolish for even expecting anything different from him. I said no.

I conclude that he is an addict - addicted to drama, to pain, to adrenaline, to sex? and I am just another hit. I see how it's painful for him, and how it's painful for me. I always thought NC was more painful for him because he felt abandoned. But now I see how contact is equally painful - for both of us. But I think I finally feel OK about it. What I hate is the guilt that has always come with my enforcing no contact. It always creeps back in, I hope it doesn't this time... .This time I'm not doing it out of anger or out of fear. I'm hurt but I need to accept that he is this way. I do see now how its best for me, and for him. I think the latter, hopefully will allow me to move on. I guess I couldn't do it just for me.

[Rayban]

Good for you for standing your ground.  NC should  be done for you first and foremost.  Leaving the door option makes you an option for him.  I speak from past experience.  Every time I've broken NC, and agreed to see her I felt much worse. It helped to make me realize that I wasn't special to her. I was just the first to answer.  I also realize now that she contacted me while being in a relationship with someone else. I have no doubt she was contacting exes while she was with me.

[hotncold]

Hi Rayban,
Thanks for the support. I agree NC should be for me first and foremost, however I have proven myself time and time again to be incapable of thinking and acting in the interest of my well being only.  He's still texting me... .I am afraid that ghosting him might actually set him off the deep end, so I'm going to just respond with one word answers to avoid any potential escalation, and hopefully he will get bored with my disengagement. Normally he has tended to leave me alone (he has replacements), and he's got one now so hopefully that is how this will play out. He may have noticed that my social media settings have changed so is trying to see if he's been shut out completely... .His emotional volatility freaks me out.

[ICantFixHer]

Hi hotncold,

Looks like ex proved himself to be the same old wolf in sheep's clothing. All the effort he put into meeting you for coffee, hanging out, risking his current gf returning unexpectedly and busting you two, was all to get you back into bed, basically. We both know there's so, so much more to it than that but at the end of the day, you know where his motivation lies. He wants to cheat on his current gf with you, creating a triangle.

I am very proud of you for resisting and encourage you to continue to hold fast and be strong, be true to yourself and what you truly deserve in a partner. A little distance really lends perspective on how obvious these people can be with their manipulations.

I encourage 100% NC but it's your call of course. I know how tough it is.

At the very least be as boring and "gray rock" in your one-word text responses as possible. Bore him out of your life. Once you stop being an interesting source of attention ie. supply, he'll do what he always does, turn to his back-up plan.

Always try to remember how you've been played; it's hard sometimes when we're lonely and sad but please, remember the episodes, the craziness, all of it.

Big hugs. Be strong. You deserve better.

[hotncold]

Hi Icantfixher,

You are spot on - wolf in sheeps clothing. He wooed and charmed me, showered me with compliments, paid for the coffee, yadi yadi yadi, just to get me in bed, and have that triangle - in which HE has all the power.

I actually don't have to resist... .I am so disgusted by his behaviour that I want to vomit. I just want him to go away now. He was a cheater when I met him and he's still a cheater.  He's an addict. I would like to do no contact 100% - but... .I would rather ease into it quietly if possible... .just... .fade... .away... . I will answer some things... .others I won't... .to make it as boorring as possible. Cornflakes, that's all he's getting from me. Boring old, sex drive killing cornflakes.

I will try hard to remember this really well... .I mean... .what he is doing is insulting, shameful and hurtful. He knows that he has BPD. He has refused to get help for it.  There's nothing left for me here.

[Rayban]

  He's still texting me... .I am afraid that ghosting him might actually set him off the deep end, so I'm going to just respond with one word answers to avoid any potential escalation, and hopefully he will get bored with my disengagement. Normally he has tended to leave me alone (he has replacements),

hotncold


He won't ever let you go if you keep responding to him. He knows your still attached to him, and despite the lying, cheating, manipulation . He's with many replacements and you're worried that if you protect yourself by getting away to heal and move on, he's going to go off the deep end?

You could respond with one word texts, or not respond to some others,  but you are playing with fire.  While he's out with other women,  you'll be stuck thinking and ruminating on what he meant by his last text, or how you will respond the next time. 

I know you care for him, but don't settle for the occasional crumb.  He'll move on? You'll be stuck waiting.