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Author Topic: Here I am again...  (Read 400 times)
willy45
Formerly "johnnyorganic", "rjh45", "SurferDude"
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: March 25, 2015, 11:03:37 AM »

Ug. Back again. Hello everyone... .

I've been in contact with my ex for the past few months. All was going OK and it didn't really affect me that much although it was very confusing at points. I had been feeling pretty good prior to contact and having contact with her and seeing the disarray that was her life was pretty validating for me in a way because it just confirmed all the stuff I read on here.

But, I got sucked in. And I feel like a complete idiot again. It is hard for me to even explain what kind of idiot I am. I tried my best to set up boundaries. I told her what they were and she kept attacking me for having them. I just didn't understand. She says she loves me. Invites me to her parties. Wants to spend days alone with me, hanging out. The last time we hung out was for 12 hours straight doing a bunch of stuff. It was really fun. She was constantly telling me how much she misses me and how much she enjoyed spending time with me and how much she appreciated me doing this.

But here's the rub and what helps explain the kind of idiot I am. A few months ago, I laid out very specific boundaries if we were to be friends. I could only spend an hour or two with her at a time. And could communicate with her once every few weeks. She agreed that this was healthy. Then a few days later, she invites me to spend a weekend away with her and her friends. I ignored it. She then calls me and asks me for a job and to work on projects together. She then continues to text me every day, several times a day. She tells me she loves me. She tells me she misses me. My bad for responding. I guess like an idiot, I took all these things to mean that she did actually want to be with me. So, I ignored my own boundaries thinking that she understood that for me, all these things meant something different for me and that she actually wanted me to feel that way and move closer to reconciling.

Last week, she emailed me and told me she wanted to talk about stuff that was really important about her past that I should be aware of. I said OK so took her call. She went on for an hour about what an f'd up childhood she had and how this made her unwell. I listened. I validated. Before the call, she specifically told me that she did not want to litigate our past but wanted to just tell me about hers. She did bring up our relationship and how the things I did hurt her. I listened. I was OK. I took responsibility. But then she launched into attacking me. How could I do this? How could I do that? How all her friends think it is crazy that I didn't commit to her and didn't bring her into my family after being together so long. She then demanded answers from me. She 'litigated'. The very thing she told me she absolutely did not want to do because it 'didn't feel safe for her'.

I broke down. Phone call ended. I didn't have the wherewithal to defend myself. I had geared myself up for the entire day to be a good listener. I didn't for once think she would start attacking and blaming me. Stupid me. I really thought she wanted to talk to me about her past and like an idiot, I worked on being centered all day so that I could listen.

So, the next day I texted her and thanked her for opening up but that I was upset that she started to litigate me because she specifically told me that she didn't want to do that. I told her it was OK, that emotions for her might have gotten flared and that it was OK. But that what I needed from her was an acknowledgement that that's what happened so that I could trust her in the future. I got nothing but 'why are you hurting me?', 'this is hurting me', 'stop it'.

So, two days ago, I texted her that I needed to talk to her. That it was important to me that we talk. She told me what I wanted to talk about. I told her I did not want to text about it, that I wanted to have a conversation with her. She told me that it was her boundary not to talk about anything and that she made that clear and that she demanded to know what I wanted to talk about to decide whether or not to actually talk about it. So, I told her that what I wanted to talk about was moving forward. I told her I wanted to apologize to her because she has been really clear about only wanting to be my friend and that I still loved her and was hoping for me but that I would back off and move on. I told her we could still be friends but that I couldn't be in contact every day, all day and I couldn't arrange my schedule to spend whole days with her. I apologized for letting my feelings look for clues from her that she did actually want to reconcile with me and thanked her for being so clear with me. She told me that she would love me forever but that she was working through a lifetime of traumas, that she didn't think she could forgive what I had done (not committing to her and leaving her) and not capable of being in a committed relationship right now but that maybe one day. She then told me she loved having me in her life and loved having day to day contact and spending all this time together. She kept telling me: baby steps. I kept saying yes... .but baby steps to where? She told me 'baby steps' towards being in each other lives in a positive way where we can feel happy, sustainable and safe.

Anyhow... .None of this makes any sense to me. I told her that what we had now was not sustainable. If either of us were to get involved with someone else, this would need to stop. So, whatever we were building was not sustainable. I told her that if she just wanted to be friends then we should just focus on that. We could catch up every now and again over the phone and leave it at that. She didn't agree to disagree. I told her I needed some time to do some grieving. She agreed.

The NEXT day, I get a flurry of texts. Her Mom is in trouble. Her Mom is sick. She's having a nervous breakdown and she needed someone to talk to. The next friggin' day. I talked to her. Listened to her. Validated her. Wished her well. She seemed fine on the phone and in good spirits. She texted me the rest of the day about her travels home to see her Mom. She kept texting me thanking me for being so patient and such a good listener and how she noticed all the things I was doing for her and how great I was and how happy she is about how things are going with us. 

I had a breakdown that evening. Sucked in again, the very next day.

Blarg.
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1989
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« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2015, 12:30:03 PM »

From my experience in dealing with a couple of BPDs (Mom and ex), they really hang onto resentment!  And they use it as an excuse to not move forward.  She is probably very sincere about her feelings for you and she really does enjoy your time together, but unless she can get past this resentment/anger, she will probably always hold you at bay.   My ex did this to me.  Finally, in our final conversation he said "The reason I never wanted to get back together with you is because I know you had sex with a friend of mine."  I certainly had NOT! but he had it in his head that I had.  He said this 22 YEARS after our break up.  For a period that spanned 22 YEARS, he would pull me in again just to make sure I hadn't gotten too far away (I thought he wanted me but was scared/confused).

If she isn't going to deal with her anger and resentment toward you for having issues in the relationship (she had said at one point the bad times were preventing her from wanting to move forward) then you need to stay out.  It's her problem.  There is nothing you can do to to change your relationship past.  She either deals with the anger or she doesn't.  You can't fix that.

I chose to be done because I had a life to live and I was tired of feeling the way you are feeling right now.


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1989
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« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2015, 12:46:54 PM »

Forgot to mention that my mom always strung my dad along (vacations together and other normal relationship stuff) for 5 years after their divorce because she still loved him, but wasn't in love with him.  She wanted him around because he was an "attachment" but she did not want to be with him again romantically (committed) because of all the bad feelings associated with their marriage.  She would dump him each time she got involved with someone new, only to enjoy his company in between boyfriends.  He ended up very broken due to all the confusion and pain.

You can't do anything to change the past.  She either gets over it or she doesn't.  

Sometimes I think your ex is just afraid it won't work and she'll end up hurt and sometimes I think she's just keeping you around until she meets someone new.

Why would she move forward in working toward a real relationship with you when she gets what she wants from you already?  "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?"  The "milk" she is getting is emotional, not physical.

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antelope
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« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2015, 01:16:57 PM »

don't be hard on yourself willy, we all make mistakes 


I've been in contact with my ex for the past few months. All was going OK and it didn't really affect me that much although it was very confusing at points. I had been feeling pretty good prior to contact and having contact with her and seeing the disarray that was her life was pretty validating for me in a way because it just confirmed all the stuff I read on here.

^^the bold underline part is the question you need to answer... .why was it 'validating' for you?   

... .is it possible that perhaps your life, on an intrapersonal level is also in disarray and that is why you sought validation vis a vis her misery?

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willy45
Formerly "johnnyorganic", "rjh45", "SurferDude"
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 762



« Reply #4 on: March 25, 2015, 02:49:44 PM »

Thanks guys. This is very helpful.

1989, I totally agree with you 100%. Everything you said here makes complete sense. And I can totally see what she is doing. She loves me, as she says, but can't get over the hurt although she is trying (so she says).

Antelope... .I guess what I meant by it being validating was not that my life is in disarray (at least not until now). More, it was validating because she always blamed me for her chaos when we were together. She always raged at me and blamed me for whatever chaos was going on in her life. It was always my fault. And I guess when I was in it, part of me believed (otherwise, why would I have stayed?). There was always a voice in my head at the time that said 'nope, this isn't you, she is troubled and you can't fix it'. But, this voice would get overridden with hers. So, I would believe her. And it made me feel really bad about myself. So, the validation was not that my life was in disarray (I was actually feeling really great about it before this) but rather it was validating to see that three years later, her life was still chaos and I was not a part of it so it couldn't have been my fault. Make sense?
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antelope
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« Reply #5 on: March 25, 2015, 05:51:34 PM »

Antelope... .I guess what I meant by it being validating was not that my life is in disarray (at least not until now). More, it was validating because she always blamed me for her chaos when we were together. She always raged at me and blamed me for whatever chaos was going on in her life. It was always my fault. And I guess when I was in it, part of me believed (otherwise, why would I have stayed?). There was always a voice in my head at the time that said 'nope, this isn't you, she is troubled and you can't fix it'. But, this voice would get overridden with hers. So, I would believe her. And it made me feel really bad about myself. So, the validation was not that my life was in disarray (I was actually feeling really great about it before this) but rather it was validating to see that three years later, her life was still chaos and I was not a part of it so it couldn't have been my fault. Make sense?

I guess the more direct question is: why did you need to see her life in shambles, w/o you in it, to essentially confirm to yourself, that there's nothing wrong with you?

three years later is a long time, and if you still needed confirmation at this point about your worth as a person, from another person, then perhaps that is the issue that you really need to deal with... .

I'll simplify it like this: what led you to her the first time is probably exactly the same thing that led you to her again this time around... .



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Infern0
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« Reply #6 on: March 25, 2015, 07:30:41 PM »

This story is eerily familiar and it's how our first recycle began

She had a new guy when we got back in touch to do the friends thing.

But it just didn't work well,  the dynamic was messed up it was like sometimes she forgot that we weren't together anymore. 

She would flirt a lot and want to see me a lot etc. Then she'd back away because "feelings were coming back and it's not right"

I'd say we'll just be friends but that whole time period was very strange and it just accelerated into a full on recycle which was not a good idea and did not end up well.

I think in the case of mine she really didn't know what she wanted. Sometimes I'd be able to make her happy,  sometimes she'd be super attracted to me but it came and went with little or no consistency and I think it confused her as much as the behavior confused me.

It's difficult to be bitter,  I think if she could have had stable emotions she would have but she just didn't and it was out of her control. I,  as I think all of us just wanted some stability but she's not capable of it. Sadly her life and relationships will always be unstable as a result.
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willy45
Formerly "johnnyorganic", "rjh45", "SurferDude"
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 762



« Reply #7 on: March 25, 2015, 08:17:37 PM »

Hi Guys,

Thanks. That's really useful information.

The validation thing wasn't what I was seeking with contact from my ex. I wasn't looking for her to be in such a shambles. And I didn't want her too. I honestly was doing great in my life and couldn't really care less about her at the time. She asked me a question about work and I responded and wished her well. And then it kind of just went from there. I wasn't comparing myself to her life. It was more about actually being able to see her life with the FOG of abuse lifted to see what was truly there. That, for me, was validating. Not that I needed it.

And yes. I agree about the confusing behavior. Sometimes she touches me gently on my arm to get my attention. Sometimes she looks at me and smiles. Other times she's controlling and angry and looks extremely stressed.

But, what I know now is that she hasn't forgeten, she is still in world of hurt, and what she wants of me makes absolultely no sense.

What I want now is to get back to where I was a few months ago when I was actually really happy, sleeping well, no cares about relationships and women and (ironically) swarmed by women wanting to be with me. Right now, I'm just that pathetic puddle of a person I was when I was with her and after we broke up. Ug.
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downwhim
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« Reply #8 on: March 25, 2015, 08:40:25 PM »

Maybe she heard or knew you were swarmed with women so she stepped in to mark her place.
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Infern0
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« Reply #9 on: March 25, 2015, 09:13:52 PM »

Hi Guys,

Thanks. That's really useful information.

The validation thing wasn't what I was seeking with contact from my ex. I wasn't looking for her to be in such a shambles. And I didn't want her too. I honestly was doing great in my life and couldn't really care less about her at the time. She asked me a question about work and I responded and wished her well. And then it kind of just went from there. I wasn't comparing myself to her life. It was more about actually being able to see her life with the FOG of abuse lifted to see what was truly there. That, for me, was validating. Not that I needed it.

And yes. I agree about the confusing behavior. Sometimes she touches me gently on my arm to get my attention. Sometimes she looks at me and smiles. Other times she's controlling and angry and looks extremely stressed.

But, what I know now is that she hasn't forgeten, she is still in world of hurt, and what she wants of me makes absolultely no sense.

What I want now is to get back to where I was a few months ago when I was actually really happy, sleeping well, no cares about relationships and women and (ironically) swarmed by women wanting to be with me. Right now, I'm just that pathetic puddle of a person I was when I was with her and after we broke up. Ug.

Let the wave of depression roll over you. No lies fighting it don't help. You have to let it hit you,  accept it'll pass and let it pass.

Oh yeah and take some of these girls out.
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apollotech
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 792


« Reply #10 on: March 25, 2015, 10:15:44 PM »

willy45,

Your story broke me up. It is clear that you care deeply for this woman, and that you only want the best for her.

I think you're a good man with a big and good heart. I think you want something real and caring with this woman, even if it's just friendship. I think that you would be a blessing in her life. There is nothing wrong with any of that, and it certainly doesn't make you an idiot.

But, I am not sure that she can have that. I am not sure that she, due to her disorder, can fulfill the role necessary to allow for what you want. It's hard and we shouldn't have to do it, but sometimes we just have to let go brother.
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1989
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« Reply #11 on: March 26, 2015, 07:04:13 AM »

The pain of letting the relationship go is very painful.  However, it is not as painful as going through this indefinitely.  I can promise you that.
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willy45
Formerly "johnnyorganic", "rjh45", "SurferDude"
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 762



« Reply #12 on: March 26, 2015, 08:03:29 AM »

Yeah. Thanks guys. I guess my fantasy that this person can get better just isn't real. And if I'm honest with myself, I have been hanging on to that hope. Of course, she doesn't help with her 'maybe one day' and 'maybe if we can sustain a friendship' and her 'I will love you forever'. But, the more I think about it, the more I think she is just saying that to keep me hooked. That and her constant dramas and demands for me to rescue her.

I do need to let go. I'm doing it! I told her I was going away for a few weeks and won't have access to cell reception (a lie, for sure... .but one that seemed palatable in the moment to just get some space without communication). Already feeling a bit better.

Thanks everyone.
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