underneath everything, there is a child that never was allowed to grow up in many borderlines. And maybe also in ourselves.
So it is kind of suppressed and when we feel totally safe in a loving relationship, this part can come out.
I think deep down that was the deepest connection we shared, to really open up these young and innocent parts in ourselves.
Unfortunately, these parts are hidden beneath a lot of brokenness, and the brokenness will make sure that that connection will fail sooner or later.
Babytalk i never really experienced, i think it was more that a part of our love was a childish love, both in a good and a bad way.
You say many things that have been on the verge of my awareness for months. I saw childish behaviour from my BPD ex. In the single most touching and perplexing moment of our relationship she became almost infantile with me. It was one of a handful of moments of astonishing trust and openness that she shared with me. Those moments are gifts that I cherish today, despite the hurts.
I saw the childishness in her early on but never admitted it in myself. There are many examples in my own behaviour, looking back on things. The best aspect of the whole relationship, which we discussed many times, was the playfulness.
It had a fairytale mood, but fairytales have dark sides. We carried on at the cognitive level of adults, but it was emotional abandon, recklessness. We played well because she knew my vulnerabilities. She exposed my tenderest wounds, and I felt comforted by that. I felt a sense of safety and acceptance, not a sense of isolation or shame. Feelings of safety and acceptance are basic feelings that I recall from my own childhood.
These feelings also emerge when I go into the manic phase of bipolar, with an intensity that is hard to convey. I described it to a psychiatrist like this:
"I have a great feeling of harmony in the species, despite all pain. It's a feeling I have had often, since I was a kid, as if I were at home in the species. But then it was always just a vague comforting feeling, never so constant and beckoning as now."
This is what I have lost through all my suffering. Now it takes hurt -- the manic flight or relationship trauma -- to expose it.
You sum up the confusion of my relationship well: "these parts are hidden beneath a lot of brokenness, and the brokenness will make sure that that connection will fail sooner or later." How I wish I had known this sooner. I was naive to enter a relationship with someone so wounded when I am so wounded myself.