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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Step parents: Introductions  (Read 2675 times)
DreamGirl
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« on: April 01, 2011, 02:16:46 PM »

Just wanted to throw this out there so I know who you are. Smiling (click to insert in post)

(We did this a while ago and thought we'd try again with all the new faces)

I'm married to a great fella who has three lovely girls, 14, 12, and 8... .and I have two boys of my own 15 and 11.

My greatest challenge as a secondary non is in keeping my own sanity. Smiling (click to insert in post)

I'm here because I want to find that balance in amongst the chaos that having a BPDparent in the mix can sometimes cause. Learn how to be a mom to my boys, stepmama to my girls, wife to my husband ~ all without losing myself.

How about you?

~DreamGirl

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« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2011, 05:59:04 PM »

I've been married to my husband for 1.5 yrs, been together for 6 yrs.  My husband has custody of the kids and mom sees kids on some weekends.

I have 3 stepchildren - 13 (G), 11(G), 9(B)

Excerpt
My greatest challenge as a secondary non is in keeping my own sanity.

Ditto that one!  Being cool (click to insert in post)

I'm here because I wanted help in helping my stepchildren deal with the struggles of having a BPD mom.  I want to learn to be able to give them what they need without losing myself in the mix and still be able to have a 'normal' relationship with my husband while trying to balance it all with my work life of a 24/7 shift work job! (and breathe!... .)

Thanks for starting this DG!   

Marlo 
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« Reply #2 on: April 02, 2011, 09:06:50 AM »

I'm Dutchie! Been with my partner for over 6 years, we're going to get engaged this year I can feel it  Smiling (click to insert in post)

My partner's kids are 13 and 14, both girls, and their mum has uBPD.

I came here when I was going through a rough patch. We had just been to court (again) because of BM (short for 'birth mother' in other words the girls' mum) breaching court order constantly and we came out the big loser. This was extremely frustrating and it made me angry. I needed help in dealing with all these unwanted emotions and so I started looking on the internet and reading some books. Both have helped me lots, I'm back to my old self.

What also helps is that SD14 sees through the fog now, she's even living with us at the moment, which is great! Hopefully SD13 will follow one day  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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DreamGirl
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« Reply #3 on: April 02, 2011, 10:33:32 AM »

 Hi!

Well I already knew you two.  Smiling (click to insert in post)     x

Keep 'em coming!
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« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2011, 07:09:55 AM »

Haha yeah!
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« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2011, 08:33:58 PM »

Hey guys... .

I'm probably the newbie among the secondary nons... .my husband and I have been married 3 years.  He received a lot of support and guidance from this board when he was working through the difficult choices surrounding leaving his uBPDx, so we have come back to it at various times in the process of figuring out how to provide as normal an environment as we can to SD16 in the midst of the nastiness of uBPDx. 

A whole new season began this year when SD16 went from not being willing to talk about any issues with her mom (something we've been very careful not to push her to do) to exploding on the phone with her mom while at our house, deciding to go NC and stay with us full-time, and begin to unfold the harrowing story of what growing up with her mom has been like.  She is still very much struggling with all of this, and where to go from here, but it is fabulous to be able to talk honestly, and to know that she no longer feels she has to deal with it alone.

I don't know exactly what I'm looking for from this board.  Sometimes just to vent, sometimes to hear what others are struggling with, which really helps to feel less alone, given how different what we are dealing with is from other situations friends, family and strangers might try to compare it to. I have also really appreciated feedback I've gotten from young people a little older than SD16 about the conflicting feelings involved in sorting out a relationship with a BPD parent, and getting insights from them about what kinds of support were helpful to them from non parents, or what kind of support they would have liked to have had. 

And ditto everything Marlo was saying about trying to balance kids, marriage, job, self, sanity... .though I guess that's what everyone's working on, huh?
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DreamGirl
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« Reply #6 on: April 04, 2011, 09:38:03 AM »

... .sometimes to hear what others are struggling with, which really helps to feel less alone, given how different what we are dealing with is from other situations friends, family and strangers might try to compare it to... .

x

I know I feel like that a lot... .that there is not a real understanding of what our lives can sometimes entail unless you've actually been in the trenches of it. Even the good hearted friend, family member, or stranger can't always grasp the dynamic enough to have a discussion or give advice.

So glad you're here. Smiling (click to insert in post)

~DG
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« Reply #7 on: April 04, 2011, 10:32:07 AM »

Hi there.  I'm another secondary non.  My DH and I were married last year.  He has 3 boys -- 20, 18 and 16.  20 year old lives with us when he's not travelling.  16 year old lives with us except every other weekend and the occasional evening.  18 year old is struggling with addiction and is currently in a house for similar kids.  He has not yet come to grips with his addiction, believes he can still drink and relies on uBPD to bail him out. She is currently paying his rent, covering his bills, covering up his stealing and trying to convince him to move away with her to her hometown.

DH and I have been together 5 years.  I stumbled across information about BPD when trying to figure out why the boys' mother did what she did to her children. I found this site and read a bunch of information that hit home before finally posting on the boards myself. DH has never really wanted to learn about BPD but has admitted that it is likely what his ex has struggled with for years.

Being on this site and reading all the posts about BPD and the messages from others has helped me cope, helped me see there are better ways for me to act and has helped me try to forgive uBPD for her hurtful behaviors. I still have a long way to go in all of these areas so I will keep coming back.  There are many wise people here who can provide an objective view when I'm caught up in the chaos.
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« Reply #8 on: April 04, 2011, 11:18:00 AM »

Count me in.  In 2009 my BF and I reconnected after 20 years apart, as he was going through a divorce from his uBPD wife.  I came to these boards after realizing that his stories about dealing with her were not exaggeration, and reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" helped him and his parents see things more clearly.  Her discovering that we were dating during their separation exacerbated the animosity of the divorce as she seemed to think that I had been plotting for 20 years and had something to do with their split.  Their children, daughters close to turning 9 and 13, aren't quite sure what to think, as she will tell them anything she feels like and he won't discuss adult matters with them, and they seem to like me and my son (who is 10).

I come here to get a healthier attitude for dealing with her insanity, mostly to help my BF through it (and helping him untangle the coparenting web, since a huge reason for their split was his disagreeing with her parenting choices).  Fortunately, I don't really have to deal with her myself since she moved 300 miles away last year.  However, we will both be at the first family function together this coming weekend, and I'm a bit nervous about which side of her we'll see:  the one in which she performs the consummate mom/wife/daughter-in-law, or the one which believes that she shouldn't have to hold back any of her thoughts or feelings.

I probably have things a little easier than many of you because we have the girls relatively rarely - every other weekend and, soon, alternating weeks in the summer.  The transitions are still hard on them, and when they're with us, their mom calls several times a day.  With her as their primary parent, though, they are taking a lot of their cues on how to live life and treat people, like their dad, from her, and sometimes it feels like a Herculean task to reprogram them for independence and accountability at our house.

Also, since reading and posting here, I've become much more self-aware about my own issues, and am learning how to cope with a lot of my baggage from my relationship with my late mother, who also had some pretty strong BPD traits.  The materials about toxic shame really hit home with me and I believe that if I can fix some of my issues, the ex-wife's damage won't hit me so hard.

This feels something like a disjointed bio so if I've left anything vague or out completely, please ask.
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« Reply #9 on: April 04, 2011, 01:22:50 PM »

Well, I may be familiar, DG, since I jumped onto the board desperately a few months ago but here's some info for all:  Married 7 months ago (!) to a marvel of a man with 2 kids (16 and 11). Their mom is BPD, untxed, and it was a harrowing divorce for all (5 years in the making... .done 6 years ago) No kids of my own -- first marriage for me.

I joke that, despite feeling prepared for it all, I found myself googling "stepmothering WTF" by the second week!

I needed help to find my footing, create my own boundaries in a system where they are attenuated at best, and a trusted sounding board.  I found this board especially useful because some of the step mom literature assumes "normal" bio moms.  It seems to me the best course of action with a BPD biomom is not always easily discerned.

My biggest challenge is maintaining a sharp focus on the marriage -- growing into the wife I want to be without getting distracted by the other stuff.  Second challenge is maintaining hope that the children will be positively affected by our union, their time in our happy home, and the model of a loving relationship given what they have and will conitnue to hear and what they need to negotiate in their little lives.

So, definitely balance.  Me and hubbie also use the board to weigh options when a "course of action" is considered (that being everything from an email to a letter to returning to court).

Thanks DG!
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« Reply #10 on: April 04, 2011, 01:54:22 PM »

Hi Everyone!

Been on this Board for 6 months. Married 16 yrs and have a S6. H has  UBPD... .and can be very difficult to live with. Not sure how much longer I will be with H. As of now he is seeing a T and is trying to change ... .just not sure if he can.

In the meantime I am trying to make sure my son is ok and not effected by H's poor behaviors. It has been very stressful for me and it feels like everything is on my shoulders. I am on this Board to get and give support. I think this is a great  place to give advice and share ideas with one another.

The people on this Board have been a Great Blessing to me!   

Feeling very Lucky to have found this place! Smiling (click to insert in post)

Summer

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DreamGirl
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« Reply #11 on: April 04, 2011, 02:21:34 PM »

There you all are.   
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« Reply #12 on: April 04, 2011, 02:26:40 PM »

Oh... .and Thank You DG for all your help and comments! I always enjoy reading your Posts! 

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GaGrl
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« Reply #13 on: April 04, 2011, 03:32:59 PM »

A bit late coming in here... .

Like Khat, I reconnected with my DH after his marriage was long over to the uNPD/BPD he calls "The Dark Princess."  DH and I had been crazy about each other as teens but not able to make the connection then (draft, Vietnam, college, etc. etc.).  Also like Khat, I had that history of prior relationship, which TDP twisted into "Well, all those times you said you were playing golf, you were really driving to see Gagrl."  Right -- 120 miles one-way for an afternoon delight.

The marriage to TDP was so damaging that my DH was still legally married to her, although 14 years separated.  She had offered him a divorce, but he couldn't imagine a relationship with someone, in addition to having to explain a long-standing STD that the ex had given him, which brings us to the NPD and BPD behaviors that caused the damage were focused primarily on constant and flagrant infidelities, with some rages and control and belittling thrown in.  All of this damaged not only DH but the (now) adult children also.

No one in that family had acknowledged mental problems until I got a good look at what was going on while DH extricated himself from the legal marriage and started a new life with me.  I pretty quickly saw the narcissism, then realized that BPD was at work also.  I also pretty quickly had to put up boundaries that are, in my estimation, as strong as concertina wire.  and she still trespasses every now and then, even after 5 years.

DH has healed.  The adult children are still a mess.  My SD30 doesn't allow the GD10 any unrestricted access to The Dark Princess, due to the negative influences.   
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« Reply #14 on: April 04, 2011, 05:06:30 PM »

 Hi! to all the stepmoms!  I am stepmom to a beautiful SD (15) and a sweet SS (28), and biomom to my newly-married : ) son (26).  My husband and I celebrated our 10th anniversary a couple months ago.  For the first five years or so, I blamed all the problems that occurred between me and his uBPDxw on myself.  Always on the lookout for help, I stumbled upon some info on BPD, following that road led me here.  I visit as needed for the wisdom and support I find in other's stories. (thanx!)

My SD also does not talk about her mom or her relationship with her mom, and we don't push or pry, but watch and listen and things are changing.  For example, on the weekends that my SD is here with us, I have noticed some changes in the way she talks to her mom on the phone--her tone of voice is more withdrawn and the calls are shorter than they used to be.  She has begun emailing her dad and texting with me : ) Previously, any communication outside of the visits here has been severely controlled and prevented by her mom.

Twice during our marriage, my SS has lived with us, so my SD has seen that we welcome our kids to our home.  I have been encouraged by the signs I have seen that my SD is becoming her own person, and has begun reaching out to others for help dealing with the divorce between her dad and mom.  

I am a high school teacher and this board has also helped me deal with parents of some of my students who have exhibited behaviors that I now recognize all too well.

It is here that I find people who understand what BPD is, and healthy ways to deal with it.  I cannot thank you enough!

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« Reply #15 on: April 05, 2011, 02:08:06 PM »

Hello everybody, its been a while since I have visited the site.  My DH's ex is uBPD/NPD.  They have been divorced for 12+ years now.  DH and I have been married for close to 4.  SD is 17.5 yo now and a junior in HS.

I have been having a hard time of the unrelenting legal harrassment from BPDmomster or simply "the evil one".  The first lawsuit started as soon as she found out we were engaged.  DH just went to court again on Friday.  We have a little over a year left of our CO - but really - this woman is on a mission to destroy us, there will be no end to her vengence.

SD is an only child and totally enmeshed.  DH is in denial - picks his head up just before each court case to pull together his response and then puts his head back into the sand.

I first came to the board to get a reality check and try to understand her.  Now I visit just to seek the solace of knowing that there are other people suffering at the hands of people such as the "evil-ex".  It seemed like there used to be more specific threads about secondary non's. Again, I haven't been visiting that often.

I'm afraid this whole situation has taken a huge toll on my own mental health.  I'm finding it hard to disengage from my SD and DH without feeling like a crummy person.  Knowing just a little about the horrible and inappropriate things that the evil one says about me to her daughter is quite depressing.  I am losing hope that I will ever have more than a cordial relationship with SD because of the loyalty bind that her mom has put her in.  We have 40/60 split custody so 40% of the time, I walk on eggshells in my house when SD is here.  Evil-one has been really good about telling us all the things she knows about our relationship and our household via SD.

I'm hoping I can get to a place where I can feel some hope that my marriage and life as a stepmother will someday get out from under the black, cancerous cloud that is spread by BPD.  Pretty low expectations, I know but BPD is simply awful and I wish there were more discussions about just how horrible all the collateral damage is to us "secondary non's" (PS I hate that term - I've been marginalized and victimized way too much by my husband's ex-wife to take any joy in any label that makes me secondary)
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DreamGirl
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« Reply #16 on: April 05, 2011, 02:36:43 PM »

 Hi!

I'm so very glad that the posts keep rolling in.

((halffull))

Randi Kreger (I believe) coined the term "secondary non".  We are not the pwBPD and we are not the nonBPD, instead we're in a relationship with the nonBPD.  I think it becomes "secondary" in correaltion to the relationship with the pwBPD (not hardly the nonBPD). I can see how you could read it in a way that it seems lesser or minimzing and I'm really sorry if that exemplifies any way you've been feeling. I know what it's like to feel like some sort of a consolation prize.  It sucks.  Also pretty gosh darned common in Stepmotherhood.

Maybe it could be seen as secondary education or a secondary opinion? (Anything more positive!)

Excerpt
Pretty low expectations, I know but BPD is simply awful and I wish there were more discussions about just how horrible all the collateral damage is to us "secondary non's"



It's what I refer to as the ripple effect.

And it very well can be a destroyer of marriages.

It's why I've started this thread, to gather us together.  I think we all could use some tools in strengthening our marriages rather then letting the life of it slowly slip away.  I think FAR too much focus is being spent on everyone else in these situations... .and I think we need to get back to the basics.  

I'm so glad you are here and I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time.  My husband, too, suffers (from time to time) to stick-your-head-in-the-sand syndrome.  One of his best methods of coping and he is well versed in practicing when he just doesn't have what it takes to deal with it.  Hard thing to accept, I know.  You are also not a crummy person for wanting to find a place [by disengaging or what not] where it's not a constant in your life.

Please stick around. We're here for you and I hope to gather more information, ideas, literature, etc to make available here as we all forge thru this.

Take gentle care of you. x

~DreamGirl
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« Reply #17 on: April 05, 2011, 02:49:20 PM »

Thank you DreamGirl - I'm glad I found my way back!
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« Reply #18 on: April 05, 2011, 04:02:45 PM »

I find it interesting how, even when things are going so good at our house, The Dark Princess can affect our personal lives and decisions.

For example, a wonderful thing happened unexpectedly last month... .a number of months after the fact, DH was informed that his stepmother (who thought he hung the proverbial moon) had left her estate to be equally divided among her 2 bio children and 3 stepchildren.  This is a woman who loved in a mighty way.  So, with taxes settled, DH got a hefty little check, with another on the way when the final settlement is complete.

And after the initial "Wow! What a great surprise!" -- what was the next reaction?  Almost simultaneously, we said, "Well, we sure don't want The Dark Princess to know, which means we can't tell the kids."  The kids mean well, but they are still just SO clueless on how to deal with TDP.

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« Reply #19 on: April 06, 2011, 09:19:38 AM »

Thank you for starting this roll call, DreamGirl.  Although I knew a lot of you were also "non nons" (is that term better than secondary non, Halffull?), it's helpful to see everyone's stories in one place.  Gagrl, I'd seen your posts about TDP and didn't realize you were also in a "retrosexual relationship" as the new term defines romances born of long-lost loves reconnected.  It really is exhausting to deal with someone's paranoia about cheating and I admit that I caught a ___storm when making my first post here with the tongue-in-cheek title, "the other woman" since I probably wasn't sensitive enough to the appearances that the uBPDxW saw and spread.  Unfortunately, my BF also took the unwise tactic of getting exhausted by denying everything and then - not unlike the scene in the recent movie "Easy A" - just sarcastically admitting to everything to end the argument, winding a tale of ridiculous proportions that she believed, hook line and sinker, as a confession.  A confession which she has repeated to the children and built all of her other false beliefs and unrealistic expectations upon.  But it justifies her perpetual victimhood, and was not, as he had hoped, a way for her to drop the constant questioning and accusations and move on.

Halffull, your post really resonated with me and my darkest fears (and places).  It is SO hard to deal with those superglue bonds of loyalty, and to feel sometimes like your stepchildren are spies in your home.  My BF has started reading the Love & Logic guides to parenting, but feels they are unrealistic in that when he tries to teach his children consequences, like telling one she can have dinner after she finishes cleaning her room, it results in a call to the uBPDmom with a claim that he's not feeding her even though she's hungry ... .and the mom is ready to believe abuse, no questions asked, because my BF is blacker than black to her now.  I feel a weight lift my shoulders when the girls leave, yet am still anxious that every moment they spent with us will be shared and taken apart, piece by piece, with their mother, who just looks to gather evidence that we are/he is entirely unfit to spend any time with his children at all.  The anxiety is *my* issue though, and regardless of why I feel it, I need to find ways to deal with it and move through it so that I can enjoy the children and the time spent together.

Anyone who ever said, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" never had a BPD ex.

Two things that I've found success with:  1) to praise and thank my BF for HIS boundaries which keep her from interfering with our life and me.  I know that, because of the nature of our relationship, he wants to share every frustration, much like he did in the early days of our reconnection, before we were in a romantic relationship, when I was just an old friend who had also been through a divorce.  Yet he knows that it causes me unnecessary stress in that I can't do/say anything to relieve the source of the tension, and he has learned what is and is not appropriate to share with me.  This includes the things that he has heard about me/our relationship from the ex through the children and any unfounded threats she makes.  I find that if it weren't for his boundaries, the relationship would be far more difficult than it already is.

The other thing is to 2) put myself in the children's shoes.  It's hard for me, especially when I'm wrestling with unresolved issues from my own childhood, to see them as children and me as the adult - I take the rejection seriously even though I can also remember what it felt like to be twelve and confused and in the early stages of puberty and rebellion.  I can simultaneously tell my BF to take the girls' angry rages with a grain of salt as to the truth of their words, and yet myself internalize every word they say to me.  One of my weaknesses in parenting my own child, as my BF has pointed out, is that I'm not very fond of childish things and respond more positively to (and perhaps have greater expectations of) logical, adult-level conversations and interactions.  Expecting his girls to be relating to me on this level is unrealistic, and I am also not a prepubescent girl who lives by peer pressure.  I really have to stop and think of what the world looks like from their eyes:  feeling things they can't verbalize, upset about the end of the family as they knew it (even if they knew they were miserable with their parents always fighting), afraid of changes they have no control over like their mother moving them away, uncertain about who I am and if I'm as evil as their distraught mom claims, wondering if their father will stop loving them too, or if he loves me more, whether I will try to take their mother's place, and maybe even confusion about their mother's behavior and what, if anything, to do about it.  Intellectually, I know these things; I don't know why it's so hard to understand them WHILE I interact with them and experience the rejection or the cold shoulder I sometimes get.  I guess I know myself, and my intentions, and I still get hurt if someone reads them wrong, or rejects me even when I'm trying my best.  It's a bit easier to have a thicker skin if I can get into their heads a bit and empathize.

Finally, my sanity-saver is to have a hobby that I can retreat into at many times, including when my BF needs time alone with his children, or when I need to take a breather, or if there is behavior that it is not my role to deal with.  From the outside I probably look serene, but internally, I can take my frustrations out productively in my art.  I'm not sure what I would do without it, and having a boyfriend who appreciates it and praises it helps my self-esteem tremendously when it's most needed.

I'd love to hear what has worked best for others.  It really is frustrating to read guides that talk about joyous coparenting experiences, like Demi Moore & Bruce Willis have found, and know that it probably won't ever be our experience.  I go through life very careful not to upset even strangers, and having someone out there who hates me so venomously is more of a burden than I have ever wanted.
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« Reply #20 on: April 06, 2011, 10:11:21 AM »

These posts sometimes just tug at my heart strings.          

I really do know how hard this stuff is.  All these years later... .one night of drunken gibberish from the pwBPD in my life rattled my comfortable little world - and awakened the old feelings of self doubt, frustration, insecurity, guilt, and confusion.

I also feel that a lot of us are really losing sight of ourselves (maybe?). It's like in marlo's Compassion Fatigue thread - so much time is spent on the children, on the disordered ex, on our spouse... .we forget about our basic human needs. For me, like KHat, I have my own issues that have had me fairly ill equipped to handle some of what is involved when being in a marriage with a person who has an ex who suffers from this disorder.  

So from what I'm reading here the issues I see (so far) specifically geared towards the stepparent/secondary non (in order of appearance, not importance):

(1)Balancing stepparenthood, marriage, career without disappearing

(2)Dealing with difficult emotions (sometimes even foreign ones)

(3)Feeling alone

(4)Not having enough real life support outside our spouse

(5)Staying grounded in admidst the chaos

(6)Forgiveness of the BPD behavior(difficult subject)

(7)Minimizing the smear campaign against us

(8)Forging our own relationships with the stepkiddos

(9)Coping skills

(10)Defining our role and place

(11)Boundaries (specifically for US) - creating and more importantly maintaining

(12)Navigating thru our own FOG (Fear,Obligation,Guilt)

(13)Nurturing our own physical needs and our own mental health

(14)Recognizing our own imperfections in parenting

(15)Maintaining compassion for others in the situation

Good start? Did I miss anything? Anyone like to add?

   :)reamGirl
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« Reply #21 on: April 06, 2011, 11:05:45 AM »

Dreamgirl, I would add something related to finding the balance in supporting our spouse -- who on the one hand still has continued contact with the PD ex-spouse but on the other hand doesn't always realize how he/she is continuing to be manipulated or used.

Khat, yes... .I first met my DH when I was 12 and he was almost 16!  We were next door neighbors and in the church youth group together.  His sister was my age, and we were constantly in and out of each other's houses.  Our parents were fast friends.  My family moved away as I approached 14, but DH and I stayed in contact.  We have always had a strong and special connection -- the whole package of intellectual, physical, emotional and spiritual attraction.  I was far too young and too naive and too stupid to know what the potential was when I was 17 and he was 21.  Instead, he went into the Army, served in Thailand, and married The Dark Princess.  And I married someone else also.  It took -- no lie -- 35 years from the time we parted for us to reconnect and get married.

A "funny" story... .early on in their relationship, TDP went through his wallet (harbinger of things to come), found an old photo of me, and tore it into little pieces, telling him, "You are mine now."

I am fortunate that our children are not minors.  We tried to connect in 1991 when I learned his mother had died, but I sensed something wasn't "right."  Turns out the marriage was failing, and if we had connected, it would have been a horrible divorce situation for all involved.  Not having minor children at the time of our marriage made it easier for us to define the dysfunctionality, and easier for me to define boundaries that were manageable.  We don't have exchanges of children with the need to physically see each other.  Our activities revolve around helping the adult children heal when they don't fully realize the dynamics of their continued interactions with their mother nor how it all is affecting their current marriages/relationships.

However, what's depressing about our situation is the realization that it NEVER really ends.  I mean, it really NEVER ends.  Just when we think her drama or manipulations or neediness or Queen/Witch behaviors have settled down for awhile, something triggers her, and DH is right back in it as the sounding board and peacemaker.

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« Reply #22 on: April 06, 2011, 11:35:39 AM »

Good list DreamGirl and I like the addition from Gagrl related to our spouses.  It is easy to forget to focus on our marriage with all that goes on. We also have to speak up pretty loud to get something we want with all the chaos.

KHat --- I hear you on "having someone out there who hates you so venomously".  Some days it helps me to think about how much fear uBPD lives with, and realize that she likely fears me much more than she hates me. I'm guessing she constantly fears the boys will abandon her, so I become the object for her fear because otherwise she would have to look at what she is doing. I can get myself to have empathy for her when I think about how horrible it must be to have constant overwhelming fear. When I can realize that what she goes through has little to do with me, it helps.

I've just started reading by a book called Loving What is by Byron Katie. She believes that it is our thinking that causes our own suffering and if we could just move past this, we would find peace. She believes we spend much of our lives trying to get other people to do what we want them to do and that it is pointless. I can see this in myself, and can see that I want uBPD to get help, stop hurting her children, leave us alone, etc, etc. And she will never do this. So I need to let go of those thoughts. The author calls coming to grips with letting go is doing "The Work" and I can see why. You can check out her website if you're interested.
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« Reply #23 on: April 07, 2011, 07:07:38 PM »

However, what's depressing about our situation is the realization that it NEVER really ends.  I mean, it really NEVER ends.  Just when we think her drama or manipulations or neediness or Queen/Witch behaviors have settled down for awhile, something triggers her, and DH is right back in it as the sounding board and peacemaker.

Say it ain't so, Gagrl!  I may be totally delusional, but as my SD will be beginning college out of state next year, I see this as her finally having a life that's _hers_, and our being able to interact with her on that basis.  She may have contact with her mom, depending on how things unfold, and we will support her in dealing with that, but I guess I am totally baffled to imagine how my DHs BPDXW can continue to yank us around in all the horrible ways we've had to tolerate because it was impossible to distance ourselves from them while maintaining the best connection we could with SD.  It is honestly hard for me, at least at the moment, to conceive of how I will give a flying F about anything she does once she doesn't have the power to wreck my daily life anymore, and now that my SD doesn't have to put up with it anymore either, now that she is not dependent upon her for food and shelter part of the time, and is beginning to see her abuse for what it is. 

I wonder if I'll be posting something in a year where I talk about how wrong I was... .but for now, I am nurturing the belief that the prison of my life is about to be unlocked. 

I feel like i have had to swallow so much poison over the last 5 years, because I could look at all the alternatives, know our legal limitations, and predict exactly the brazen things BPDX would do at every turn... .so often the best thing was to ignore the outrage, accept that this is life as we know it for as long as we can not cut all ties with BPDX without hurting SD. 

I guess my feelings are also influenced by the fact that as SD moves into greater independence in life, all the things that have been sources of torture and stress are suddenly reversing.  Like the fact that BPDX never pays for anything, not even with child support money we send.  I just found out recently from SD that even things I thought BPDX had bought for SD, she had apparently hounded SD to insist that we pay her back... .SD didn't want to do this, so instead she gave her money _FROM HER ALLOWANCE_, a very modest $10 a week we gave her starting in middle school so she would have the opportunity to make choices with her own money. (Rotten choices she had, turns out.) Needless to say, BPDX will not be contributing a red cent to SDs college tuition or other needs.  But that's the kind of stuff I'm used to, and have had to stress over and live with, as BPDX dragged us repeatedly into court because she apparently always had plenty of money for lawyers (wish we could say the same).  Here's the good part... .she isn't helping SD at all!  So she can't guilt her about it!  She can't threaten to withdraw it!  She has done so little for SD, emotionally, physicially, spiritually, financially, that she holds no cards.  Sad for SD.  Sad for BPDX.  But still... .I wouldn't have it any other way, because it gives SD the ability to break free and begin to discover who SHE is, something her mom would never, never have let her do.

Whew.  Guess I was holding a lot of stuff in.  I think I've really been having a hard time processing how I feel, in a situation where how I feel really hasn't mattered for years.  And I don't mean to say that my DH or SD haven't been sensitive to my feelings... .I think I truly believe that my feelings haven't mattered, in a pragmatic sense.  I look at the situation, it's unfair, it's gutwrenching, it's anxiety-producing, it's depressing, but it is what it is.  For the first couple years of getting used to it all, DH and I agonized about every decision, before we figured out none of our careful considerations would actually impact BPDXs behavior.  But for the last 3 years, what we need to do has been pretty clear in most situations.  It's never fair, it's never kind to us or even reasonable, but by saying, "yeah, it sucks that we have to deal with it, but so what?" we have been able to create a pretty normal life with SD, at least while she's with us... .which is now all the time since SD went NC two months ago. 

So when you know what you need to do, and you're willing to do it, and the results are clearly the best you can hope for under the circumstances... .where do feelings fit in?  I'm really asking this.  I feel like  "it is what it is" is the story of my life for the last 5 years.  Maybe after DH and I return from helping SD move into her dorm, maybe I'll throw myself an awesome pity party, with the theme of "I can't believe the s**t that b****h put us through all these years!" And then, sadder and angrier, think about how much worse what SD has had to deal with, and how much she will have to work through in the course of her young adulthood.  But that part I already think about, all the time. 

It is what it is.  Or is it?
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« Reply #24 on: April 07, 2011, 09:10:45 PM »

Sideliner,

My DH and his ex, The Dark Princess, were legally married for 33 years, separated for 14 years when DH and I reconnected and married.  TDP has a complicated attitude toward DH, typical NPD/BPD -- at times he can do no wrong/is on a pedestal/functions as an authority figure and security fall-back while at other times he was painted black, could do nothing right, treated as dirt under her feet.

Since their children became adults and TDP experienced the loss of control with them (or at least the level she felt she needed or was entitled to), our primary interaction with her has been phone calls to DH wanting him to intercede with the children to "make them do what they should be doing."  But her demands and wishes are completely out of line, and DH ends up being the objective sounding board.  I've encouraged him to extricate himself from this role, but frankly, as long as I don't have to speak with her, and as long as she doesn't show up at our house and make snide remarks about life, the universe, and everything as it relates to Gagrl, I'm OK with DH taking the occasional (perhaps monthly) phone call with the latest "crisis."

The worst of it is over, but it took 5 years.  The nadir was what we termed "The Great Breast Cancer Scare."  It was a cyst.  But it resulted in hysterical phone calls, a trip to her city to help her draw up a will, and now DH is the executor of her will.  Oh, yay -- I can't wait to see how DH evicts her live-in boyfriend, because everything belongs to TDP.

It's all even crazier than this, but as I say, "I don't have to write fiction -- I couldn't make this #$&! up if I tried."


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« Reply #25 on: April 07, 2011, 10:12:12 PM »

frankly, as long as I don't have to speak with her, and as long as she doesn't show up at our house and make snide remarks about life, the universe, and everything as it relates to Gagrl, I'm OK with DH taking the occasional (perhaps monthly) phone call with the latest "crisis."

I get that.  Doesn't make life any easier though, huh? 

By the way, I should add my name to the list of suspected other women... .I met my DH a few months after he moved out, while divorce proceedings were still going on... .he had been working his way through the various boards from "staying" to "undecided" to "get me the $%# out of here" over the previous 4 years.  I had been living in another state for, well, my entire life up until 3 weeks before I met DH.  BPDx knows this, but found nifty ways of inserting me into previous supposed dalliances of DH over the years, which is preposterous since she never let him out of her sight.  Not to mention the two states in question are separated by about 2000 miles, which is pretty far for a booty call. For someone who works full time and is sat upon by his wife the rest of the time.  But since when does a pwBPD have to let the facts intrude?
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« Reply #26 on: April 08, 2011, 09:24:19 AM »

I feel a greater camaraderie with the women posting on this thread than I have with even some of my closest BFFs since this relationship began.  Really, no one outside of a relationship like this fully gets it.  And when you have your own internal demons they get it even less.

Yes, sideliner - the alleged dalliances ... .uBPDxW moved the kids 300 miles away, ironically very close to where I lived before BF and I reconnected and I took a job in his town.  And then she blames him for not driving up and back, 10 hours round trip, for a 50-minute counseling session or a school conference or a dance recital, because he allegedly did it all the time when *I* lived there ... .so not true but how do you argue with that version of reality?  I grew up with a little of that with my mom and know how you need to just give up and walk away.

And Gagrl - the story of the torn picture made me laugh in a sad way.  BF and I met in college, also an age difference that seemed much bigger then but less now that we're in our 40's, and while our love affair faded into friendship because he was graduating, it was a friendship which was not allowed by the uBPD.  I was living in Europe as an exchange student - partially, honestly, to clear my mind and heart of him - and he called once to talk about life after graduation and ask about my experiences.  It was an unexpected surprise and left me with warm feelings of a good friendship even though I knew he was with her.  When the phone bill came in ... .she called me herself to tell me that he was with her and that I should leave him alone.  I never accepted another call, sent another postcard, or even found him online once the internet came along because of that.  When he found me, he had been looking for me for a while.  Unfortunately, he told his ex about this undying love when she accused me of being all sorts of a cheap sexual manipulator, and this only increased her anger against me ... .because it was far easier than dealing with her own feelings of inadequacy and failure to have that love turned on her.  I have tremendous pity for her for that.  I'm not all that certain that my childhood experiences and hers are all that different, we have just grown into handling them with different measures of introspection, honesty, and coping skills.

Last night I picked up the Beverly Engel book, "Healing Your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to Help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame."  As I read it I am tossed about with so many conflicting thoughts ... .my purpose in reading the book is to take steps to heal myself from my mother's perfectionism, her messages to me that I was a frequent embarrassment or disappointment to her, and that I couldn't function in this world without her guidance.  But then I also see how the uBPDxW became who she is, even though I know relatively little about her upbringing, I can see what she has internalized and how it manifests.  And then I see what her smothering and narcissism is probably going to do to her children, and how my BF and I have to parent in a way that minimizes the effect.  We are all so damaged in our own ways, and the more equipped we are to fix ourselves, the more healing and forgiveness we can turn outward to pwBPD or their children whom we care for.

DreamGirl, I think your list is pretty all-inclusive, and man, it is a daunting thing to look at.  If someone were to have presented it to me when my BF and I reconnected, I might just have run the other way as fast as possible!  Ugh!   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #27 on: April 08, 2011, 10:34:03 AM »

First of all - I think we all have had the same reaction to Gagrl.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

"What do you mean... .it doesn't ALL just go away when the kids are grown?"

I also have a the kindred link to Gagrl in that I have a somewhat enmeshed husband who still has attachments to making it OK for everyone.

What helped you Gagrl?

If I remember right... .didn't you sit your husband down, with a little bit of liquid courage... .and tell him just what it is that you needed from him at one point?  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=99674.msg985469#msg985469

Excerpt
I feel a greater camaraderie with the women posting on this thread than I have with even some of my closest BFFs since this relationship began.  Really, no one outside of a relationship like this fully gets it.  And when you have your own internal demons they get it even less.

I think there is so much truth to this.  I also think we are in the presence of some pretty extraordinary women (speaking of - where's our ennie?).

Excerpt
By the way, I should add my name to the list of suspected other women... .I met my DH a few months after he moved out, while divorce proceedings were still going on... .

Me too. Smiling (click to insert in post)

I actually had a conversation with his BPDex in the past month that touched on this subject for the umpteenth time.  I don't know that it's something that will ever go away.  It's a coping skill for her... .like you have all suggested... .it takes away the accountability because it is literally unbearable to accept any part in the failed relationship.

And you're right Khat, arguing with distorted reality is a fruitless task. She really does believe her thoughts, regardless of the facts surrounding her. It's like an addict who expresses that doing a line of cocaine instead of having coffee for breakfast isn't a big deal.  It really does make sense to the person doing it.  I've seen the pwBPD in my life vocalize her very different perception of events that I've bore witness to myself.  She has spent a lifetime making it all OK inside her head by twisting facts.  I don't see her stopping anytime soon. ;p

Excerpt
I think your list is pretty all-inclusive, and man, it is a daunting thing to look at.

So we have a daunting list.  

I think we should all start doing something about making it less daunting.  

~DreamGirl
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« Reply #28 on: April 08, 2011, 11:09:09 AM »

My guess is those of you who knew your partner before just give the BPD a simple reason to believe that things have gone wrong for her. I am not an "other woman", but it doesn't make any difference.  She believes that I and others are responsible for her troubles.

Several times SS20 has tried to reconcile with his UBPD mom by saying he was willing to say he was 50% to blame for their problems, if she would just admit to the same. Each time she refused, saying she was a model mother. She tells him that from the time he was a small child, he was bad. It is things like this that help me to see that she really is mentally ill, not just vindictive or mean. What stable mother would tell her oldest son that he was evil since he was a child?

I'm not sure if others have the same issue, but another one on my list is the difficulty I have seeing UBPD's behavior in the kids. Thankfully I don't think any of the three boys are borderline, but they have some behaviors that I (maybe wrongfully) attribute to her. When I see them successfully manipulating their dad, it really erks me. And when they try it on me, I get angry. I am usually a patient person but not around those behaviors. I need to figure out a way to call the behavior and move on but I haven't got there yet.
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« Reply #29 on: April 08, 2011, 11:22:18 AM »

DreamGirl, I think your list is pretty all-inclusive, and man, it is a daunting thing to look at.  If someone were to have presented it to me when my BF and I reconnected, I might just have run the other way as fast as possible!  Ugh!   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Isn't that just the truth!

It actually took my DH about a month to slowly reveal the degree of the problems with The Dark Princess.  It took even longer than that for him to admit that her massage business wasn't legit and that she was, in fact, prostituting herself in a VERY lucrative and dangerous business.  The depth of his humiliations and yet his continued enmeshment because "she's the mother of my children" was not something he was able to reveal easily, nor would it have been possible for me to absorb it quickly.

I think the turning point for DH and his daughter was when SD let her mother babysit, only to find out that TDP had taken the 4-year-old to her massage parlor.  Both DH and SD drew an immediate line at that point -- TDP was no longer allowed unfettered access to the child, and that continues to this day -- even after TDP sold the massage business last year (thank God, since we no longer have to worry about getting a call from the county jail saying she's been busted).

If you haven't read the entire saga, click on Dreamgilr's link -- really, I can't make this #$%! up.

And DG, you're correct -- that was a turning point for DH and me.  I find it difficult to express my needs easily, and he had to hear that our marriage was being affected.  DH would never, never, NEVER risk our marriage.

I think one thing that really helped also was that I've become very, very good at naming TDP's behaviors, and I don't hesitate to do so.  Sometimes it's just saying -- "Queen" or "Witch" or "Waif." (she's never a hermit).  Other times, I'll just comment... ."Hmmmm, manipulative."  Or "Controlling."
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« Reply #30 on: April 08, 2011, 12:44:57 PM »

I find it difficult to express my needs easily

I wonder how many of us are guilty of this?

I wonder how many of us aren't really even sure what our needs are?

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« Reply #31 on: April 08, 2011, 01:09:12 PM »

This thread has been on my mind all day, especially the list that DG posted, and when BF and I came back to the office from lunch, I asked him to wait in the car for a minute.  I realized when reading that list what a great job he does at protecting me from a lot that is not mine to share, and I needed to thank him specifically for that.  I told him about this thread and that I realize that I have my issues to deal with, and I am grateful that he doesn't make it worse by sharing all of uBPDxW's issues with me too.

His response was that he is still learning how to do that, and it often weighs on him what he should share with me and what he should not.  I realized that I could probably formulate some guidelines with some thought.  Will it affect me?  Does it concern me and/or how I will stepparent the children?  Or will it just raise my blood pressure?

A lot of this requires extensive trust in him, and yet I need to realize he doesn't have the answers.  There was an incident months ago with SD12 involving every parent's nightmare ... .giving in to a boy's request to email certain photos, regretting it, and then hearing the boy say he hasn't used that account in over a year.  Now there's a criminal investigation pending, but the root issue is why the child felt compelled to do something she knew was so wrong so that someone would like her.  Is this something I needed to know?  Probably not; she was so embarrassed and didn't even want her father to know (she didn't want ANYONE to know but she was making herself sick over the situation).  I haven't even known these children for a year yet and so don't have the bonds with them that many of you have with your stepchildren.  Still, if there was restrictive punishment involved like no computer or cell phone, maybe I should have been told something.  We are NOT yet married, our relationship is very early, and earlier still where the children are involved, so I really am something of an accessory to their father-children relationship right now. 

I think that where trust is weak, anything negative is possible.  And that goes all around ... .if I don't trust him, I could think his constant communication with uBPDxW is enmeshment or even arranging to reconcile, when it's merely her changing the drop-off point twenty times.  If his children don't trust him, they could believe their mother's claim that he doesn't love them.  If he listens to all the horrible things that the ex says, he could lose trust that any of us love him.  Bonds of trust should grow stronger and stronger between people, but sometimes it seems that a pwBPD has no other mission than to try to create chinks in order to feel better about themselves or take the focus off them.
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« Reply #32 on: April 08, 2011, 01:37:07 PM »

This thread has been on my mind all day, especially the list that DG posted, and when BF and I came back to the office from lunch, I asked him to wait in the car for a minute.  I realized when reading that list what a great job he does at protecting me from a lot that is not mine to share, and I needed to thank him specifically for that.  I told him about this thread and that I realize that I have my issues to deal with, and I am grateful that he doesn't make it worse by sharing all of uBPDxW's issues with me too.

Sometimes it's realizing what we do have... .rather then focusing on what we don't have.

He loves you. The rest to me? It's all just noise. I firmly believe (in the romantic that is me) that as long as you have a foundation to work from (love, commitment, etc.) that perserverance is possible.  

Excerpt
His response was that he is still learning how to do that, and it often weighs on him what he should share with me and what he should not.  I realized that I could probably formulate some guidelines with some thought.  Will it affect me?  :)oes it concern me and/or how I will stepparent the children?  Or will it just raise my blood pressure?

You know... .It think it just takes practice.

 

I also think it is wonderful that you are preemptive in your efforts here.  I waited until my limits were surpassed beyond measure.  I was in a dire and desperate place before I sought help (therapy).  I needed professional help to learn to set limits with my husband because I had enabled him for a very long time. Placed all the needs of those around me as my top priority.

I screwed up.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
Is this something I needed to know?  Probably not; she was so embarrassed and didn't even want her father to know (she didn't want ANYONE to know but she was making herself sick over the situation).  I haven't even known these children for a year yet and so don't have the bonds with them that many of you have with your stepchildren.  Still, if there was restrictive punishment involved like no computer or cell phone, maybe I should have been told something.  We are NOT yet married, our relationship is very early, and earlier still where the children are involved, so I really am something of an accessory to their father-children relationship right now.  



So, I think this was a good opportunity to help the relationships involved (#8 on our list!).  BPD mothers can affect their children in various ways with the results being the children possibly manifesting certain behaviors (lack of personal boundaries/values) and adverse feelings (anxiety, shame, worry) just like your SD seemed to have done.  A good opportunity to build that bond you speak of here - for you and her - could have been possibly for you to show her that you have no judgements, that you love her even though she did something that brings her shame. No lectures, no parenting advice, just an understanding that we do stupid stuff. Her father telling you her "secret" may have even helped in shedding the shame a little bit, not breaking her trust. There is a big difference between privacy and shame - even though the line seems to be so very thin.    

Excerpt
I think that where trust is weak, anything negative is possible.  And that goes all around ... .

Bonds of trust should grow stronger and stronger between people

100% agreed and extremely well put... . 
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« Reply #33 on: April 08, 2011, 02:33:33 PM »

Great thread, DG.  I will have to read more thoroughly when I have more time.  But for starters:

I am stepmom to two girls, almost 7 and 11 years old.  I have been with my DH 4 years, married one year.  The kids live with us half of the time, every other week.  We have known each other about 9 years, though I did not know DH well until about 9 months after his break up.  Up until some recent legal action over custody issues, we had been told that their mom was daignosed as BPD about 3 years ago.  Now her of and on BF says that he just talked to a psychologist, that she was not interviewed (he had said she was diagnosed and had lengthy interviews with the T).  So who knows about the diagnosis, but suffice it to say that she meets all the DSM criteria.  I always have a hard time understanding if she is low or high functioning... .her BF originally said the psychologist said she was "severe", but who knows.  She has no job, has a hard time developing a stable place to live, not very coherent.  But, she does not cut and is very violent or physically abusive to the kids, and is pretty open at some moments, so it could be worse.  That said, she is totally unable to engage in any conversation with DH or me or about either of us that does not paint us black at some point... .even when she wants to be loving.  She has threatened to kill us, tried to run over DH with a car, left screaming messages on a pretty regular basis, accused us of child abuse (though did not report anything, thankfully), and so forth and so on. 

I came here to learn about BPD and understand how it impacts the kids and my DH.  I see how important I am in the kids' lives, and want to honor the kids' mom while helping them to be their own people, and learn skills to cope with their BPD mom.  I also am working on my ability to be loving and at peace with this situation and the kids' mama.  I come from a Buddhist orientation, which sort of includes detachment in love, and also am good at setting boundaries.  I have really found this board to be a great place to support being compassionate while setting boundaries. 

I have had a hard time on this board with what I feel to be an overly rigid idea about the role of step-parents.  I am a 42 year old woman who has worked with kids my whole life, and who does not want to be a mom.  I have home schooled others' kids, have been an active aunt, have taught school and teach at a camp.  So for me, the role of mentor is familiar.  I also live in a small community where many divorced families have worked out really loving and supportive co-parenting relationships.  My dad's girlfriend of 10 years officiated my marriage, at which my mom and dad spoke.  My mom and dad's GF co-organized my bridal shower.  So for me, there are fewer models locally of competitive relationships between mom and SM.  I do not volunteer in school, but I often help put the kids to bed, and do other parenting tasks.  My DH does most of the pick ups and drop offs, I do it one day a week.  HE does most of the homework.  The kids and I are close, and BM's rage at me has not stopped the girls from loving me.  My experience is that anything I do is triggering for BM--contacting her or not, backing off parenting roles or not, so I have decided to do what feels right to me, my DH, and the kids. I see a child psychologist for step parenting advice, and he points out the the litmus test for step-parenting is whether the kids still love you, because they will not love you if it does not work for them.  They love me.  So far... .

A therapist recently asked me what my biggest goal is with the girls in terms of parenting, and I said "To help the girls to love themselves and their mom for ALL of who they are, and to help to model loving their mom even when she is doing painful things, without losing their sense of self and while still having boundaries."  or Something like that. 

I am close with the girls in some ways, not in others, and it seems really good so far over the past 4 years. i have seen the girls gain lots of skills and self knowledge.  My DH and I have a very loving partnership.

My challenges are

1) dealing with the constant drama and the stress on me--I have come to see that I am just not that great at dealing with the stress of having someone angry at me all the time, especially when that anger is filtered through and harms the kids.

2) Trying to find time for myself in being a SM, helping my DH deal with family law issues, and being a lawyer. 

3)Trying to figure out a way to both be the advocate I need to be if I am going to have a BPD person in my life (she i constantly campaigning against me in our community, and I just keep telling our story... .), and trying to find a place of love and no judgment in my heart for her... .I strive for this for myself, as this keeps me less angry and stressed; for the kids, as I think my feelings about their mom speak as loud as any words I say, and when I am able to love her, it is easier for them to be okay with her for who she is rather than needing to focus on and defend her more crazy aspects; and also as it enables me to tell a clearer story when need be, about who she and we are in all of this.  I have meditated more lately than any time in the past 10 years, have been walking a lot, seeing various therapist, doing tons of research, and so forth. 

4) Embracing my own values and allowing it to be okay that our culture has so many expectations of step mothers.  I have come to see that each step parent has a different situation... .one of the great things about this role is the lack of clear role definitions.  Kids do not need a particular thing from you... .so what you provide is the result of the special alchemy between the kids, your spouse, and you. 

5) my biggest challenge as far as my own personal life is figuring out how to move forward with goals and plans with all the emotional drama as well as the constant action of parenting.  I was building our home when I met DH, and we now live in it as of last year.  Usually, I take time off and take a trip to deal with major transitions.  I am self-employed, and usually put significant time into deciding "what next" during changes in course.  I have started a number of advocacy organizations and projects, and need time to develop this stuff... .not just time, but mental and emotional space in my life.  I really do not have that right now.  So I am a little stuck in this transition phase of my life, which leaves me more available to fill gaps in our family... .for example, we have a lack of maids, cleaning staff, babysitters, and the like... .and here I am!  Not what I want to do with all my time, but I do not have that big project, so I can put off appointments with clients, etc... .the result is that it gets harder for me to form my own direction. 

This last period has been one of the best so far in terms of me being able to make progress on being loving with the kids' BPD mom, while being free of her drama and having my own life.  I attribute this to the inner  work I have done with all your encouragement over the past 4 years, to my recently meditating more, to having the support of therapists, and to my own increasing willingness to be okay with MY place as a SM, which is more engaged in some ways, less in others.  Because I am not a mom, my life is not focused on childrearing and householding--I do not have a daily carpool already for my kids, do not need to do housewifery on my own.  So in that sense, I am more resistant to helping DH in those ways.  But I have lots of experience working with kids, that is my gift.  Also, I am an attorney.  So I help in being there for the kids as a close mentor . There is a lot of love between us, lots of room for deep conversation and teaching life skills.  This seems closer than lots of SMs are with their step kids, but it feels right to us.  On the other hand, I need alone time and I take it.  Little trips with girlfriends, my own art studio, etc.  I have boundaries with the kids, and I find that helps our relationship.  I do my best to empower my DH in his parenting, and back him up.  But we also are clear between us and the kids that each person is responsible for clearly communicating boundaries, including the kids.  I do not go to my DH when I want SD10 to stop hitting her sister; likewise, when SD6 wants me to help her with something, she asks me. 

My favorite things about this site are the wealth of information on BPD that exists here, the wealth of info about what issues we all are likely to have in dealing with this challenging disorder, and the prevalence of the idea of radical acceptance as a way of addressing what otherwise would seem like the something that is wrong in our lives.  The pitfall is that I find myself focusing on the "negative", not by badmouthing or complaining, but by focusing on the dysfunction rather than the function.  I spoke with the mother of my SDs the other day, and could see her trying so hard to be loving, so unable.  I want others to understand what I am going through, but I also feel like it is just right... .just how it is.  So how to explore my issues, move through them, separate what is not mine to change (namely, BM's mental illiness) and what is mine--while still needing to explain to teachers why the kids are missing so much school with mom, why we need help, or to mutual friends why we are going to court again, or why DH cannot have a beer at the potluck (because BM is seriously alcoholic and only willing to sign a court order not to drink with the kids if DH does), and all the other banal explanations needed when someone is conducting a constant campaign against you... .phew. 

Thanks for being here, folks!

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« Reply #34 on: April 08, 2011, 02:52:12 PM »

There she is. 
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« Reply #35 on: April 08, 2011, 05:10:33 PM »

This last period has been one of the best so far in terms of me being able to make progress on being loving with the kids' BPD mom, while being free of her drama and having my own life.  I attribute this to the inner  work I have done with all your encouragement over the past 4 years, to my recently meditating more, to having the support of therapists, and to my own increasing willingness to be okay with MY place as a SM, which is more engaged in some ways, less in others. 

You really are an inspiration Ennie.  And proof that focusing internally can help us be stronger and happier -- rather than waiting on anyone else to change.  And thanks for being honest about the work it takes to do what you do.  There are many days I beat myself up for not being able to just be okay with all of this.  For not being more patient, more understanding or more assertive.  But it takes work, so I need to keep at it.  You and the other strong women on this site help me a lot.
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« Reply #36 on: April 09, 2011, 01:45:22 PM »

Okay, so I dropped in very early on in the thread and then got busy! ACK I hate that!  ;p

Trying to catch up here and really enjoying this thread of smart, caring women who are doing the best they can with what they got. 

A few things have resonated with me about the thread (and forgive me as I don't totally remember who said what!).  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Trust - Trust is HUGE in my opinion.  My own relationship with my DH has had my level of trust for him challenged.  This is something that is very difficult to overcome and endure all at the same time.  My own trust of BM has also been repeatedly challenged and so I no longer have much trust where she is concerned - both as a mother and as a human being on a one to one level. 

The list - I find it interesting that the list is so extensive and what I'm reading from all you great ladies is that our own perception of the world has totally changed since our relationships have begun.  For the better? For the worse? Who knows really. 

But no one pulled me aside and told me that my entire view of the world would change drastically when I began this relationship, that my own morals would be challenged (sometimes daily) and that I would actually become damaged from being a step-parent to children with a BPD mother.  When I say damaged - I mean, financially, spiritually, emotionally and on some occasions physically. 

Yet I still want to continue to do it! It's like that saying - Life is going to knock you down sometimes, it's whether you get up or stay down and it's a choice. I choose to get up and fight on.

All of these things are merely consequences of the job of being a step-parent to children with a BPD parent.   And I think those of us who do the best at this job are the ones that feel the most 'consequences'.  Kinda strange isn't it? The ones who are the most empathetic to the children are the ones who are going to be best in their role.  But they are also going to be the ones who feel the most impact from doing such a good job. 

Catch 22? Maybe, but really - would you have it any other way? 

I know I have my own views on step parenting as a lot of you all know already.  Smiling (click to insert in post) I'm pretty no nonsense when it comes to my role.  I don't hide from it and I don't try to overstep either.  But I'm not going to shy away from it or tip toe around it when my kids ask me and need me. My measure of what they need from me comes from them.  It's not what DH thinks they need or what mom thinks I should be willing to do, it's what my children tell me and show me that they need that I am focused on. All the rest is 'just noise' as DH says.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Marlo   

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« Reply #37 on: April 09, 2011, 02:03:29 PM »

I find it difficult to express my needs easily

I wonder how many of us are guilty of this?

I wonder how many of us aren't really even sure what our needs are?

For myself - I don't find I have a problem expressing what my needs are.  I freely tell DH (and friends) what my needs are.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

The issue I have is that I have a difficult time putting it into practice.  What I mean by this - is outside support for me so that I can actually do some of these things.  Some people have family members who can help out - DH and I have no family in town. Everyone lives at least an hour away.  So that is a huge undertaking right there.  No one wants to drive an hour to help us out because they all have their own issues (DHs sister and her 2 children take up an enormous amount of DH's parents' time).  My own folks are not well equipped to deal with the level of trauma that my skids have experienced and I've also been my parent's child my whole life - My skids are not ready to have their parenting enforced.  Smiling (click to insert in post) And I would never do that to the skids!

DH is the person that I need to lean on to ensure that I can actually have time for me.  And as I've already said - my trust in him has been challenged on more than one occasion.  I'm learning that I can depend only myself if I need something - so how does that balance out? Not sure yet. Still working on it. 

As far as outside sources for friends - our jobs don't really allow us the time to actually visit with friends regularly - we both work shift work and all of our friends live over an hour away as well.  Most of our weekends are spent working and our friends all work Mon-Fri.  This poses a huge problem as well.  I have this weekend off (YAY!) and my next weekend off is not until the end of May.  This makes it difficult to have a life outside of work and home. 

So this is where I am struggling to figure out how to actually get what I need.  I know what I need, I just need to figure out how to get it. 

Marlo
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« Reply #38 on: April 09, 2011, 10:51:26 PM »

But no one pulled me aside and told me that my entire view of the world would change drastically when I began this relationship, that my own morals would be challenged (sometimes daily) and that I would actually become damaged from being a step-parent to children with a BPD mother.  When I say damaged - I mean, financially, spiritually, emotionally and on some occasions physically. 

Yeah, wow... .I really feel this.  And not in a depressive kind of way... .not in a "I'm damaged goods and can't handle the difficult situations I'm in" kind of way... .more like I would imagine it would be to be wounded on the battlefield.  When you enlist, you might not be aware of the real possibility of actually going to war.  Once there, even though you understand being at war means people will try to kill you, it's still probably quite a shock to get shot.  But if it isn't fatal, and you recuperate, I don't think you necessarily spend a whole lot of time thinking how unacceptably and outrageously unfair it is that as a soldier you ended up in a war in which someone tried to kill you.  Stepparenting probably isn't always such a full-contact sport as it is when there's a BPD in the mix.  But it's a pretty hefty thing to enlist for regardless.  And we here were the ones who subsequently found ourselves "called up".  It's weird to carry the scars and see the wreckage and still not want it any other way.  I think maybe that's what's had me so ambivalent lately... .I am feeling the need to acknowledge my scars, and even have others acknowledge and respect them, at the same time as I am finally feeling like the battles I've chosen to fight are beginning to show that they were worthwhile, and that there was a reason for me to be there... .it's a weird mix of emotions.


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« Reply #39 on: April 10, 2011, 12:51:43 PM »

Yeah, wow... .I really feel this.  And not in a depressive kind of way... .not in a "I'm damaged goods and can't handle the difficult situations I'm in" kind of way... .

Yes, Sideliner - that's exactly what I meant.  And your reference to a soldier made me think of my cousin.  He is a lifelong soldier - he's in his early 50s now, but he's been full time military since he was out of school.  Even after he qualified for his pension - he keeps on going.  He's seen the world several times over always going back to battle and keep the peace (That's what us Canadians do!)  Smiling (click to insert in post)

He found himself a very strong woman (even though she stands no taller than 4'10" and I would not want to mess with her in a dark alley!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  She had 3 daughters from another marriage and my cousin helped raised those girls.  He also went on to have 4 more children with this lady.  And the story that makes us all laugh is every time he went off to war, he'd come home and within a year a new baby was born.  So they each have their own 'title' - one is the Kosovo kid, another is the Sarajevo Son, etc... .you get the picture.  It's proof that even though you see and understand the battles, you want to go back and continue that good fight.  And then as with the birth of each child, life goes on.  Each of those children represent a significant part of his life and a story for each of their births.  One that is told out of love and dedication to his work and to his family. 

Excerpt
Stepparenting probably isn't always such a full-contact sport as it is when there's a BPD in the mix.  But it's a pretty hefty thing to enlist for regardless.  And we here were the ones who subsequently found ourselves "called up".  It's weird to carry the scars and see the wreckage and still not want it any other way.

I would be interested to know what each of your backgrounds are as far as how things were growing up.  I know for me, I was always a caretaker.  I looked after my sister (5 yrs younger) my entire life.  My parents both worked and in the evenings, they were exhausted.  So they had me look after her. Take her out with me when I would play with my friends.  It was actually to the point where when I look back, I did far more than would be expected of any 7 yr old child looking after her 2 yr old sister.  I begged my parents to allow me my own time to hang with my friends - but no go.  So I was always in that 'caretaker' mode. 

When I was 11, I began babysitting for the people in the neighbourhood.  They paid me next to nothing, but it was the perfect excuse for me not to have to look after my sister.  I was too busy looking after other people's children and getting paid for it.  One woman had 4 children under the age of 5.  I babysat for her all the time.  I would go over and help her out even when she was home - assisting with dishes, laundry, you name it. At 11 yrs old!  This carried throughout my teen years.  My babysitting schedule got so busy that I really hardly had time for anything else. Always looking after kids and helping out.

So I can see why I found myself married to a man with 3 children to a disordered mother. I guess you could say its in my genes... .

Anyone else have similar stories of being a caretaker growing up?

Marlo   
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« Reply #40 on: April 10, 2011, 04:55:09 PM »

Yeup, absolutely.  When my parents separated after my dad had an affair, I was my mom's confidant/caretaker.  She was always so amazed about how "wise" I was, that she really felt like she could talk to me and I could give her helpful advice and support.  I was 7.  Really.  In defense of my mom, or better - in _understanding_, because in hindsight, she and I both understand now that this was not cool, but as an adult I at least have insight... .she was horribly depressed and insomniac, and didn't have the other relationships she should have had, and didn't know how to look for help.  Nonetheless, the fact is that from 7 to around 13 I was her emotional caretaker, and it was totally wrong of her to put me in that position.  We went through a number of years, more or less the decade between 17 and 27, when I pretty much avoided any level of closeness with her, which was what I needed in order to be able to sort out my own feelings and desires and decisions and sense of self.  She went back and forth during this time between 1)feeling guilty and responsible, and 2)guilting me for blaming her, which I really wasn't, I was just doing what I needed to do.  But since I did do what I needed to do, regardless, and because it turned out that deep down what my mom truly wanted was for me to be happy and healthy, we found eachother again later in life once I had wandered through the places I needed to explore and she had learned to accept that making mistakes and owning them didn't mean she had to punish herself forever.  These days we have a normal, healthy, typically flawed, mutually supportive relationship.

The good and bad of my mother's parenting has been a really helpful key to me for understanding BPD.  I can say now, knowing what I do from an experiential perspective, that my mom does NOT have BPD.  She obviously had major boundary issues, and screwed me up plenty in the process of learning how to deal with life more appropriately.  But when I see the way BPDm has used SD shamelessly to support her own ego, without any regard to her well-being, or any compunction about deliberately crushing her sense of self (to the point of condemning her for "being happy" - not that she got to be that very often) I see a whole new world of negation and abuse. 

But is it any wonder I have struggled with codependency throughout my life, and that the boundaries I am able to stand strong on now have all been hard-won, with a lot of wreckage to show for it?  Is this part of the reason why I would make the choice to be a step-parent in this situation, given that I have enough of a background in mental health to have a pretty good idea what I was getting into? Probably.  Would I change that last part? No. 
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« Reply #41 on: April 10, 2011, 04:58:56 PM »

ooh... .little addendum I forgot to mention.  As I said, I'm pretty confident my mom has never qualified as borderline, but I'll bet my last dollar _her_ mom was... .ah, the way these things play out... .
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« Reply #42 on: April 11, 2011, 10:58:23 AM »

marlo... .I can't help but wonder. Who takes care of you?  :'(

Excerpt
Anyone else have similar stories of being a caretaker growing up?

I wasn't a caretaker of siblings. I was the baby. Smiling (click to insert in post)

There was a lot of focus and time spent on my older brother ever since I could remember, he was an addict and a pretty destructive one.  (clean and sober now for 10 years!)  There was a lot of dysfunction in my home, and I wasn't really paid too much attention. Not until my behavior started manifesting and my coping skills included some pretty tough stuff [drugs, running away, promiscuity, etc.]. Even then, I just kinda did whatever it is that I wanted. I then became a single mama at 17 and it's been an uphill climb ever since.

So for me, I think I moreso have a bit of a desire to be taken care of - but really don't know how to find comfort in it.  I also don't think I always do a very good job of taking care of myself.  

I am cut from different cloths when it comes to the role I found myself in. I am two parts rescuer, one part martyr, and three parts codependent. Not the ideal combination.  So for me, I think there was definitely a draw to the kiddos in my situation. Unbeknownst to me, my underlying issues definitely had me rescuing [perhaps even an attempt for my little 7 year old self], all while thinking that if I did all these things for my stepfamily - my husband would appreciate just how wonderful I am! Even though I didn't quite believe in my wonderfuldom myself.  

So I am definitely a work in progress. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Like others here, I have tales of a difficult childhood, including having my own boundaries shattered and a certain innocence lost. As a result, I think I am blessed with a certain compassion and empathy. I know what it's like to be a complete disaster. I know what it's like to have terrible coping skills.  I know what it's like to struggle in your self worth.  I know what it's like to have a parent who struggles in being a good parent.  So as much as I've been hindered in this life by poor examples, I also think it lends me to actually have success in all this.

I think we all have what it takes. Smiling (click to insert in post)

~DreamGirl
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« Reply #43 on: April 11, 2011, 11:33:44 AM »

Excerpt
marlo... .I can't help but wonder. Who takes care of you? 

DG ~ really - I'm working on it.  I'm working on taking care of me.    As the kids are getting a little older now, I am allowing them to begin looking after themselves for shorter bursts - coming home a little later from work and they have to fend for themselves for an hour or so.  My middle SD does not like this at all (she's 11 almost) as she is very codependant herself and very anxious about not being RIGHT NEXT to a parent.  She's going to have to learn to cope with things a little better. 

I see alot of myself in my SD11.  She is very much the caretaker - she is constantly worried about her mother.  Always needing to check in on her, needing to know that she is okay. Needing to know really whether or not her mother is still alive.  (I am actually being quite serious here)  I am trying to get her to see she can be left alone and she will be okay.  That I might not be home right after work and it doesn't mean that I'm not coming home at all.  It just simply means that I'm late. That's it. No big drama, no big accident. I'm just late. And she is okay as well.  This one is tough.  But at the same time, it affords the ability to look after me a little bit too.  I used to switch shifts and get up before dawn so I could be home by 5 pm so I could have dinner on the table when the kids leave after school care and they could see that we were home for them.

Now, I let myself leave work at 6 pm (when I work day shift) and I get to sleep in an extra hour (5;30 am  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) ).  I don't get home till almost 7 pm, but you know what? The kids will live. They may struggle with it at first, but they'll live. They can have tv dinners one or two days a week for dinner if they don't want leftovers. It's not going to kill them. And I'm not going to kill myself trying to make a full meal every night either after working 12 hrs.  So ya - I'm taking care of me in little bursts. 

We gotta do what we gotta do.  They will live - there are 3 of them after all to keep each other company and one is a teenager!  They should be able to function or an hour or so... .however, it's been a struggle for them and for me.     But we're getting there.  Take it where I can get it.  And life goes on... .
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« Reply #44 on: April 11, 2011, 11:39:51 AM »

DG ~ Same question to you:

Excerpt
So for me, I think I moreso have a bit of a desire to be taken care of - but really don't know how to find comfort in it.  I also don't think I always do a very good job of taking care of myself.  

Who takes care of DG?

  Marlo  
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« Reply #45 on: April 11, 2011, 11:50:05 AM »

x

Who takes care of DG?

My own mama.  She's retired and the most dependable person on the planet.  I also think we're making up for lost time.  

I also have some pretty great friends who always answer my phonecalls - and exercise some pretty fantastic patience with yours truly.

AND then there is my therapist... .

Who also helped me in opening some doors for my husband [and my precious marriage]. It helped him a lot when he was able to understand that it's not that I don't trust him... .I don't trust anybody. So we're working on that.

So I AM learning! I ask for help! I have needs! I get to say no sometimes!

Who'd a thought I ever had it in me.

  DreamGirl
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« Reply #46 on: April 11, 2011, 11:52:53 AM »

I was somewhat of a caregiver -- the babysitter for younger siblings but mostly neighbourhood kids like Marlo was.  I spent lots of time babysitting in my teens and also had 9 nieces and nephews, so never really was concerned about being a parent myself. I didn't have as much chaos as many of you did growing up. I'm not sure if that helps me be stronger now, or if it means I am even more dumbfounded when I deal with dysfunction! Smiling (click to insert in post)

On my good days, I have sympathy for BPD and can imagine that her life must be hell.  She has hermit traits and so spends many days living in fear, which must be horrible. I realize the kids must have grown up surrounded by this fear and they still don't have any sort of stability. On my bad days, I get frustrated believing that BPD knows she is ill but does nothing about it, and prefers to just push it onto her children. And I see the kids taking on some of her traits and get frustrated that my DH isn't trying to stop it.

I need to keep coming on this board to learn patience and coping skills from those of you who are better at it than me.
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« Reply #47 on: April 11, 2011, 12:02:54 PM »

I was the oldest, with one younger sister who died of breast cancer at age 31 -- so now I'm the only, with aging parents (89 and 85).

My mother's stepmother was uNPD/BPD and made my mother's life hell from the time she married my grandad.  My bio grandmother died in her second pregnancy, when my mother was a 4-year-old child.  The stepmother was really the only mother she knew, and SM was jealous of the father/daughter relationship, interfering, restrictive, controlling, raging at times, manipulative all the time, you name it.

My mother is remarkably well-adjusted, considering.  But there's a level of neurotic behavior there, and I did some emotional care-taking while at the same time trying to protect my personal space and boundaries.  My sister was not as protective and ended up doing most of the care-taking as a young adult.  I had to be careful when we lost my sister that I NOT let my mom try to turn me into a substitute for her relationship with my sister. 

My DH is the real caretaker in our family, and it's a role he relishes.  I'm spoiled rotten when it comes to DH.

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« Reply #48 on: April 11, 2011, 12:04:47 PM »

I need to keep coming on this board to learn patience and coping skills from those of you who are better at it than me.

Gosh, NG... .

I think you're doing a pretty good job.  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #49 on: April 11, 2011, 12:05:40 PM »

Ennie, I wish more than anything to know how to get to where you are sometime in the next three years.  I feel like a foreigner in my home when the girls are there - I can't ask them to do anything like set the table, because they won't do it, resent me asking, and I have no authority if they don't.  I am specifically excluded from D8's birthday party this weekend, per her request (her father will be there).  And she made a point of writing it on the calendar with "4 of us" underlined, meaning her mother, father, sister and her.  I know she is still dealing with a lot and it will take time, but I wish I knew how to slowly navigate to that happy ending.

I would be interested to know what each of your backgrounds are as far as how things were growing up.

I can't really say I was a caretaker.  My mother had some strong BPD traits and raised me with a lot of shame.  Nothing was ever good enough, no success could be celebrated without a criticism of an imperfection or a fear that it wouldn't last.  I felt like I embarrassed or disappointed her constantly.  It was my role from childhood on to come home from school, do all the family's laundry, start dinner, and clean just about everything (my brother and I had chores we HAD to do, and then there were extra major chores, like scrubbing bathtubs or polishing the dining room furniture, for extra spending money).  :)uring my high school years I was the oldest of four, since we had guardianship over two distant cousins.  But an acceptable excuse was being involved in after-school activities such as band, sports or yearbook, so I overextended myself to a) try to win my parents' approval and b) to avoid home life.  I left home at 16 on an international study abroad scholarship and then began college a year early upon my return, but again, while my mother boasted about me to others, to my face it was always that I wasn't taking challenging enough courses, that I was gaining too much weight (I've always been at a healthy BMI), that my clothes were somehow shameful, that the boys I liked were stupid.  This continued into my adulthood, and when I divorced my ex-husband, my mother blamed me for the failure of the marriage.  Every risk I've taken has been fraught with tension for me, constantly second-guessing myself, and she opposed every one of them, even while saying it was a shame I wasted all my potential in life.

Incidentally, my brother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in college after a failed suicide attempt.  My mother was, in some ways, gentler on him (his looks, relationships and behavior didn't reflect on her the same way mine did) and some ways harder (he was a certifiable genius).  He couldn't take the pressure either and tried to commit suicide several more times and used alcohol to self-medicate, as well as just resigning himself to her disappointment by dropping out of school, moving home, and becoming a clerk in a video store.  He died in a car crash at the age of 26, and I felt like the one person in my life who "got it" was gone.  Still, we all attributed his problems to a chemical deficiency of the brain than anything in our upbringing.

So of course when I finally find a relationship with my boyfriend, who is wonderful at accepting me just as I am (even if I can't accept myself as I am), it figures that it comes along with his uBPDxW who is as horribly critical and unable to please as my mother.  My mother's passing away several months ago left me feeling more conflicted when she was alive, like my opportunity to prove her wrong went with her.  I have tried to self-heal and surround myself with people who love and support me, but the pwBPD speaks in my mother's voice, and I am grateful to my BF for every time he mutes it by preventing her words from reaching my ears.  Still, I am anxious and hypervigilant with how I relate to their children, and as usual, find it safer to stay an observer than take the risk of becoming involved and doing the wrong thing.

That's kind of what I meant in an earlier post about how my own issues dovetail in a way that make me more susceptible to the machinations of the pwBPD in my life.
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« Reply #50 on: April 11, 2011, 12:13:50 PM »

((KHat))

I think you are just the best.  I have such a huge respect for your awareness and your kind heart.

That outright exclusion had to be very hurtful.  If it makes you feel any better at all?  My middle SD has told me she hated me. I really think it was how she felt at the time - had a lot to do with loyalty and grief - not me personally.

We're in a much better place now.

It does get better.  Time really does help everyone.  

x
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« Reply #51 on: April 11, 2011, 12:19:41 PM »

((KHat))

I think you are just the best.  I have such a huge respect for your awareness and your kind heart.

That outright exclusion had to be very hurtful.  If it makes you feel any better at all?  My middle SD has told me she hated me. I really think it was how she felt at the time - had a lot to do with loyalty and grief - not me personally.

We're in a much better place now.

It does get better.  Time really does help everyone.  

x

Thanks, DG.  Most of what you say DOES make me feel better, which is one of the reasons I read here so often.  It's as much moral support as it is a toolbox.

 
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« Reply #52 on: April 11, 2011, 01:30:22 PM »

i'm a SM of a 6 year old little girl and have been since she was 2. I have 3 bio kids as well (2, 5, and 9), we are custodial to all.

My SD's mom is uBPD. Things have been (relatively) good for some time now, however, she has been threatening to go back to court... .not sure if it will really happen or not... .

I joined BPD family to get some support and found it when needed.

We still have to battle some of the strange behaviors from BM, but as I said before, things are going rather well. I have learned to ignore most of the threats and strange behavior. I can see that most of the time my worries are useless, and really, unneeded as she very rarely puts forth effort to change her situation. Ultimately, if she ever did get herself together, it would be the best circumstance for SD... .So no reason to be stressed!

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« Reply #53 on: April 11, 2011, 01:34:37 PM »

DG ~
Excerpt
So for me, I think I moreso have a bit of a desire to be taken care of - but really don't know how to find comfort in it.  I also don't think I always do a very good job of taking care of myself. 

Just for the record... .I totally knew you had it in you.    Cuz you're kinda a rock star like that.  Just saying... .   Being cool (click to insert in post)

  Marlo   
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« Reply #54 on: April 11, 2011, 01:36:05 PM »

I need to keep coming on this board to learn patience and coping skills from those of you who are better at it than me.

Gosh, NG... .

I think you're doing a pretty good job.  Being cool (click to insert in post)

Ditto!       
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« Reply #55 on: April 11, 2011, 01:50:28 PM »

marlo... .  x    x

i'm a SM of a 6 year old little girl and have been since she was 2. I have 3 bio kids as well (2, 5, and 9), we are custodial to all.

Hi!
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« Reply #56 on: April 11, 2011, 04:49:48 PM »

I'd love to hear what has worked best for others.  It really is frustrating to read guides that talk about joyous coparenting experiences, like Demi Moore & Bruce Willis have found, and know that it probably won't ever be our experience.  I go through life very careful not to upset even strangers, and having someone out there who hates me so venomously is more of a burden than I have ever wanted.

I wanted to address this specifically.  First, I so hear you on the envy of joyous co-parenting relationship!  I do not feel the feeling of missing out when it comes to my choice not to have children... .but I really feel like I am missing out when it comes to happy, functional blended families! People here work well together for the most part.  I have a particular friend who I see as the ideal ex-wife in law... .I am sure I would be terribly jealous if she really WAS my DH's ex wife, as she is gorgeous, self assured, talented... .and also totally comfortable with her ex's fathering, his partner being a member of the family.  They all have holidays together.  :)H and I, on the other hand, really want the kids to have a little of this so are willing to endure an xmas eve brunch at which his ex spends the entire time telling him how bad a father he is, either overtly or just by telling him the kids are always sick because of him and he does not take care of the kids, and so forth.  Not so fun.  

As for what works... .I have found myself more curious about the "me" part of the equation lately.  Being hated, or disliked, is something very uncomfortable for me.  I am very diplomatic and really pro-active about settling any dispute or hard feelings I have with anyone.  With the kids' BPD mom, there is no way she is going to like me (and also, I can tell she DOES like me, which REALLY upsets her!), so I just have to be okay with that.  I get to see how intensely challenging that is for me.  And to ask myself, WHY is that sho hard for me?  Also, being blamed is REALLY hard for me.  BPD mom called last night to tell DH the kids are sick, and I overheard her message... .it was so laced with blame.  I immediately 1) felt guilty that the kids had consumed sugar the day before returning to their mom's; 2) felt guilty for taking SD6 to school with a sniffle on my day last week for kid drop-off, though I told the teacher, and she was not running a temperature, and I also had DH tell mom that she was sick (in other words, I was a good part of a co-parenting team); 3) talked to DH about me being the one to make the call about sickness on the day I take the kids to school (I had asked him to be the bottom line for much the same reason, and he had said SD6 should go to school as she was not running a fever or too sick); 4) talked to DH about how the kids should wear coats and rest if they have a sniffle.  Basically, I felt guilty and passed the blame on to my DH.  

That is not what I want to do with blame.  OR hatred.  Where do I get stuck?  I really admire people who can honestly say, "Who cares what they think?  You can't make 'em all happy all the time!"   So why am I waking up at three in the morning and thinking of ways I can explain myself or things I can make better so that they WILL LIKE ME?  

We all want to be liked, and I do value my diplomacy... .at the same time, I really would like to work on this issue above and beyond as it relates to the kids' mom.  Lately I have been more aware of this desire, to use the challenges to see myself more clearly.  

When I do this, it seems easier to bear the kids mom's anger and blame and destructive behaviors.  When I am owning my ways of taking it personally, rather than blaming her for my frustration.  I also have been working on trying NOT to put that blame on someone else, usually DH.  

But it is also so tiring, being a target.  

Also, daily walks, meditation, time with friends... .not talking about this stuff TOO much unless it is with someone who knows the situation, ideally who knows both DH and BPD mom well, and the kids, so that I can dwell less in the whole story of it all and more in the feelings, and so that I do not have to repeat intense stories over and over.  This seems to work.  I also have a bevy of therapists... .one is a child pychologist I felt I needed to see for my own protection, when the kids were not seeing a T, because of their mom's accusations that I abused the kids.  I do a trade with the T, so it costs me nothing.  I see him weekly.  He is very supportive, mostly just keeps in touch to find out what is happening, loans me books about dealing with issues that come up when kids are exposed to a high conflict environment.  Mainly, he encourages me.  When I feel like I am awful at this, am throwing up my hands in despair, he tells me it is fine.  

I also see a life coach every few months, mostly focused on trying to keep up with my goals and my own personal focus.  This helps me not to get sucked into making my life all about the family, when they are not even my kids... .drama has a way of sucking us all in, so I try to stay mostly sucked in to my other life... .my work, my art, etc.  

Occasionally, when I am just emotionally so overwhelmed, I see a T who is the widow of my lifelong friend and therapist who died over a year ago.  She is an adoptive mom and step-mom, and has a huge capacity for emotional understanding and raw feeling.  She never tries to define my role here, just asks questions about how I see my role and helps me feel the grief of all of this, and let it go.  She says "Pain is part of the human experience.  Suffering is what we do with that when we cling to it.  Our job is to feel all that pain, and let it go."  She says this with tears in her eyes and with the grief of losing a husband to suicide in her face and presence.  With her, I feel that my deepest soul is heard.  

Mainly, I am trying to both keep the other areas of my life (work, art, play) strong and alive, while also really digging in and using this experience as an opportunity to learn and grow.  It seems very challenging to keep that focus, but for me this feels much happier than just trying to ignore it all.  It would be easier if no one hated me, easier if the kids just saw me as a step-mom rather than alternating between seeing me as their lifeline to happy womanhood, and the person who is ruining their mom's life.  SD6 sees me more as a step-mom.  But the truth is that what is easy is not always where all the good stuff comes from, and this is my life. When I am fully engaged, I feel the sorrow more but mostly I feel a lot more joy, inspiration, and enthusiasm.  So that is mainly how I deal with stuff--gather all the tools and support I can and dig in, see if something truly inspiring, beautiful and life altering can be made of this.  





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« Reply #57 on: April 11, 2011, 05:00:58 PM »

My middle SD has told me she hated me. I really think it was how she felt at the time - had a lot to do with loyalty and grief - not me personally. We're in a much better place now.  It does get better.  

Khat -- I agree with DG -- it really does get better.  SS16 used to say hurtful things to me, things I realized were being passed along from BM. I think he felt that if he put me down, it would make his Mom happier. He doesn't say those things anymore.  He used to say he was living with his Mom and "visiting" us. But now he spends most days with us so he calls our place home (except to her.) He will rarely tell us anything negative his Mom has done and will defend her actions vigorously, but not by comparing her to me anymore. My DH has helped in that, when he sets the record straight or says that we are a family despite what BM says. And time has definitely helped.

Hang in there!

(Thanks DG and Marlo for your encouragement.)
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« Reply #58 on: April 11, 2011, 06:09:54 PM »

On the topic of our upbringing and our caretaking:  

I was raised by two liberal psychiatric social workers in a rural, close knit community in California.  I grew up without running water or electricity.  I went to a small rural school, where teachers were close friends of the family.  We were constantly getting together with other families, to help build a barn, maintain the road, have a family picnic, and so forth.  My upbringing really taught me that we all take care of each other.  I always had a second and a third family, other people who helped me as a kid to learn things I wanted to learn, be more independent safely as a teen, or just to be there to inspire and love me.  

This is really different than learning to be a caretaker because a grown up needs to be taken care of by a kid.  It feels different.  I do not think I was entirely aware that I was raised with different social values than many Americans until I visited mexico as an adult (we spent a lot of time there when I was a kid, as my dad went to college there) and realized ways that my values are American and individualistic rather than community oriented, as well as way that my values are more like mexican "we're all in it together" values than is the norm in the U.S.  

I have always worked with kids and mentally ill people in my community, both professionally and on a volunteer basis.  :)oing this work, I developed good boundaries with these folks.  

I have never had a mentally ill or addictive family member or boyfriend, and do not tend to let people with this kind of issue into my personal lie.  I once befriended a mentally ill man who told me once when he was suicidal, "I have really been wanting to talk to you, but I knew it would not be okay if I called you or came to your house, so I am glad you picked me up" (I had picked him up hitchhiking, and we talked for two hours about his emotional state).  Generally, people respect my boundaries, and I felt honored that this crazy man, who was in a really intense place in his life, needed support, but did not intrude on me.  

I do not feel like this sense that we all need to take care of each other makes me a "caretaker" in the personality sense.  That said, there are some ways I wrestle with my various desires to be independent and self-supporting, my desire to help others, and my desire to rescue others.  This situation is sort of perfect for bringing these issues to a head.  I enjoy kids and have always liked to work with them, but do not want to be a mom.  This means I have some time in my life for helping to raise these kids, and I enjoy that.  Sometimes I think folks see that as "caretaking", which it is in the strict sense, but I really enjoy that, especially when there is time for me to take breaks and when my other stuff gets done.  I have a harder time with how much cleaning I have to do and with the crazy changes in schedule than I do with the increased parenting role I have because of mom's instability.

Where I have a harder time setting boundaries is with my DH, who is really committed to the ideals of sharing housework equally, and supports me verbally in having my own life, but who is constantly stressed out and overwhelmed, and who does not have good boundaries with his ex or anyone else in his life.  I "rescue" him mostly in two situations:  either when he is so stressed that he is upset with me, or impatient with the kids which makes things harder; and when I feel like it would be easier for me to do something than to help him do it.  So it is most often clearly an attempt on my part to deal with stress I am having as a result of his mental state... .rather than just habit.  I usually make a conscious choice about these "rescues," and communicate with him about that.  The problem is that he is completely unable at this point in his life to change his habit of being radically overcommitted.  So when we talk about changes I would like, they do not happen.  He tries hard for a week or two, then we are back at square one.  

Actually, things have become better over time.  There are more boundaries now with his ex, and we are in the middle of custody litigation to make more clear boundaries.  We do not usually take his ex's calls at this point.  We do see her, but usually at a time and place where we are prepared to be loving and saintly.  

As far as caring for our home, we do have someone who comes to help me one day a week, and DH really tries to do chores on the weekend.  

As far as my inner caretaking, I still have a hard time knowing when I need more time to myself soon enough to ask for it.  We have a scheduling meeting every Sunday, which helps.  I feel okay about the amount I pick up and drop off the kids (one day a week), about my relationship with the kids, and I feel good about my communication with dH about this stuff.  One thing that is hard for me to accept is that I feel like I should be contributing equally with my partner on every level, but because I am a step-mom, I cannot be equal as a parent without negative consequences (it works best when I do less kid stuff than DH, while still being emotionally engaged and active), and because DH owns a business and has to support his kids and his ex, I end up having more of the homemaker role.  I literally made our home, as I built it myself--but I am talking about the upkeep part.  

But then I do not want to be a housewife, so I do not contribute there 100% either... .I mean, I do way more than half the cleaning, and 90% of the mess is the kids... .but I do not do it all.  So then I feel like I am not contributing as much as I should.  

I also have been in a transitional place this year, having completed building the house, but have not quite figured out what my work is right now.  I have some clients (I am an attorney), but I find that absent a big project, that the the drama of our legal action, the kids ups and downs, and the kids' mom's various drama just sort of grows to fill my spare time.  I am not sure how to address this.  I am trying to work with this coach person to develop a better game-plan, and I am looking forward to being done with our custody action.  But the drama is ongoing, and working for myself means I am often in this place of figuring out what is next.  How do I figure this out when there is so much distraction?  It was easier in some ways when I was building the house, as I had a project.  

So that is my big challenge--I feel like I have pretty good boundaries about how much I put out (not always, but often).  But in the arena of how much I let in, my boundaries are pretty poor.  I am working on it.  

So it is not so much caretaking as oversensitivity--which I think is pretty temperamental, and thus hard to change.  That is where I get swamped.  
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« Reply #59 on: April 11, 2011, 06:14:44 PM »

PS--KHat, I think that I am just lucky in having two skids who just are really open to adults other than their parents, plus having the luck to have good personality chemistry with them.  This remains constant through hard times. 

I feel for folks who have less open kids. 

I also wonder if you would consider going to a parenting class are assertiveness training class?  My mom teaches "Love and Logic" classes, that give lots of great ways of working with kids using more questions that works well with difficult situations.  It might help you to find new ways of dealing with boundaries that your skids could accept. 

Thanks for your story and struggle.  Sounds like you are doing your best with a tricky situation. 
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« Reply #60 on: April 11, 2011, 10:42:16 PM »

Okay, so I dropped in very early on in the thread and then got busy! ACK I hate that!  ;p

Trying to catch up here and really enjoying this thread of smart, caring women who are doing the best they can with what they got. 

... .

But no one pulled me aside and told me that my entire view of the world would change drastically when I began this relationship, that my own morals would be challenged (sometimes daily) and that I would actually become damaged from being a step-parent to children with a BPD mother.  When I say damaged - I mean, financially, spiritually, emotionally and on some occasions physically. 

Yet I still want to continue to do it! It's like that saying - Life is going to knock you down sometimes, it's whether you get up or stay down and it's a choice. I choose to get up and fight on.

All of these things are merely consequences of the job of being a step-parent to children with a BPD parent.   And I think those of us who do the best at this job are the ones that feel the most 'consequences'. 

Ditto that Marlo,

I also had a bit of reading to catch up on after leaving for a few days!

And yes, the more empathy we have, the harder it is on us. But I'm proud to say I feel like I'm one of those ladies. A couple of years ago I started to become an angry and frustrated person but I have turned that around, it's such a good feeling! And the result is there, my SD14 and I are pretty close now, she's letting me into her life and I can now look after her properly when she's with us.

As for your question about our own childhood, that's a real interesting one!

I grew up in a loving home, parents happily married, a happy childhood. I've never really wanted kids myself, and didn't know what I was getting myself into when I met FDH and found out he had kids (then 6 and 8yrs old). But for some reason I never thought about it twice, and I still don't have any doubts today. My views have changed a lot though.

I saw it as a bit of a challenge first I guess, wanting to help FDH sort his ex out so kids can have a happy childhood, hahaha... .That's the part where my views have changed Smiling (click to insert in post)

Also I really wanted to give these kids what I got as a child, a normal childhood. Every kid deserves a loving and stable home, and to be a child! To not have adult worries and to be looked after. That's the part that I'm still sticking with Smiling (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #61 on: April 12, 2011, 09:23:50 AM »

Thanks to all for the encouragement.  I do believe that we are in the very early stages of a long journey, and the therapist my BF and I have seen a few times to improve our communication (and help us shed our bad habits from our previous marriages) has echoed this.  However, I also feel like it's primarily my job to guide the kids to a better place, and my personal history makes me almost frozen with second-guessing myself as to how to do it without screwing it up.   

I also wonder if you would consider going to a parenting class are assertiveness training class?  My mom teaches "Love and Logic" classes, that give lots of great ways of working with kids using more questions that works well with difficult situations.  It might help you to find new ways of dealing with boundaries that your skids could accept. 

I would.  My parenting approach with my 10yo son has always been very Love & Logic oriented, and my BF has admired my techniques and begun to use them with his children.  If they don't like what's being served for dinner at their grandfather's, he no longer searches the fridge to find something else or stops for fast food on the way home.  But a) they are not used to this, and b) their mother still does the old way, so it's very difficult to use some of the Love & Logic techniques in our situation.  They're all too ready to call her and claim they're being starved because they didn't like what was being served and didn't get McDonald's instead, and he doesn't like the discord of being yelled at by all three of them.  But if I had a dollar for every time he's said, "I love you too much to continue to argue a subject that causes so much pain for you" to the 12yo, I'd be rather wealthy, so that's good.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

In fact, I need to adopt some more of his habits where HIS kids are concerned.  I definitely treat them differently from mine.  That's primarily because I know my son will love me and knows I love him, and wants to please me and be helpful, and his kids resent my very presence,  not to mention my role as his partner.   We get so little time with them that both of us tend to shy away from things we know will change a cheerful mood to a resentful, sullen one.  I especially don't want my primary interaction with them to be asking them to do things they don't want to do, like cleaning up their places after a meal or helping set the table while we cook, but I also find myself resenting their self-centeredness that they expect these things to be done for them, so I COULD use a parenting class that focuses on assertiveness.  I'd also love to find a resource for using Love & Logic while in a contentious divorce/custody situation.  If you have any suggestions for either, that would be awesome.
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« Reply #62 on: April 29, 2011, 02:59:40 PM »

I'm new! Been lurking for some time. Have an amazing BF with a 5 yr old daughter and a BPDex. His ex is pretty text book BPD and my poor BF acted like he had PTSD when we first started dating. He has come a long way, but I still see things that I know are reactions from living with the abuse.

I started desperately reading everything I could after we started dating and she starting filing false restraining orders, going into rages, and generally just being a scary person. Just trying to find a way to keep my life sane and everyone happy.  I've always had a pretty undramatic life, have a great grown child, and am a very happy person.  This is the first time in my life I've ever dealt with someone like this, so it was a little unnerving to say the least.  I've always had a "Let's all just get along" philosophy.  My ex husband is a dear friend, and we were amazing co-parents.  Most undramatic divorce ever.  So this whole dealing with a BPD person in all new and quite shocking to me.

You guys are great, and even just as a lurker I've found a lot of comfort knowing that I am not alone in all of this. 

So, hello!
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« Reply #63 on: April 29, 2011, 03:07:01 PM »

So, hello!

Hello!

Excerpt
My ex husband is a dear friend, and we were amazing co-parents.  Most undramatic divorce ever.  So this whole dealing with a BPD person in all new and quite shocking to me.

Yes! I know how you feel about this one. Makes it tough sometimes when you know how it could be... .

Glad you dropped in to say hello. Smiling (click to insert in post)

  DreamGirl
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« Reply #64 on: April 29, 2011, 03:33:41 PM »

So true! It came as quite a shock because when I first came into the situation I thought it was going to be similar. Everyone could be friends, etc. Boy howdy was I surprised!  If he was not such an amazing guy his ex would have chased me away a loong time ago! I didn't really get to see her "in action" until I was already in love.

Such is life. 
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« Reply #65 on: May 04, 2011, 02:32:05 PM »

Hello all,

My husband's ex-wife is a sort-of diagnosed pwBPD.  His 3 children live with us, SS6, SS13 & SD16.  I entered the picture nearly 5 years ago shortly after they split and moved in 4 years ago.  It has been a long road and I really don't know how to put it all in a nutshell.

The first 2 years biomom had custody, we had EOW.  A few months before custody mediation she agreed to 50/50, week on-week off.  That was a nightmare, the kids had trouble going back and forth between two very different households & parenting styles.  Last summer, biomom got a new boyfriend and moved out of her fiance's house and back in with her mom.  She moved before she had secured a job, car & new residence, so she "temporarily" left the kids with us.  8 months later, we filed for custody.  She fought it, as receiving child support and NOT having the kids suited her well, but the law was with us.  The kids are living with us and doing well socially & academically.  They see her EOW and one night a week. 

Our state drills it into your head that you're a bad parent if you can't settle custody out of court so we put it off as long as we could.  We finally went before a judge about 6 weeks ago and saw a LOT of projection from biomom.  I don't know why it shocked me so much.  I still have nightmares about court.

We're doing our best to make it easy on the kids.  Biomom didn't take the parenting class she was court-ordered to take, so she breaks many basic rules:  don't look for validation by asking the kids to choose between you, don't ask them to keep secrets, don't make them feel guilty for loving the other parent, etc.  It was recently ordered again so we're hoping she'll finally take it.  We don't know if she rages anymore.  SD16 (with autism) sort of busted her a few years ago when we told her that grown-ups don't have temper tantrums & she said "but mom has them all the time."  We stopped hearing about them, but we don't know for sure if they have eased up.  She may be on her best behavior for the new BF.

Anyway, the kids are great, we love them to pieces, and we're doing our best.  I have definitely lost myself by taking on the stepmom role 100% of the time, but that's my problem that I need to fix.

DH has been great at setting boundaries and our relationship hasn't had any major problems.

Best of luck to everyone out there!
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« Reply #66 on: May 04, 2011, 06:37:46 PM »

Welcome Bizzy.   Hi!  Nice to have you join our group.  If all is going well with your relationship, you can probably offer up some tips to a few of us who struggle once in awhile.   Smiling (click to insert in post)  Sorry to hear about your court nightmares.  We haven't had to do that part -- able to get uBPD biomom to agree to 50/50 and other changes through document filed with the court.  She signed them because she didn't want to go to court.

Glad to hear that you have been there for the kids and that they are doing well.  Hope you can chime in on any topic of interest as we can always use another voice.

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« Reply #67 on: May 05, 2011, 09:43:31 AM »

If all is going well with your relationship, you can probably offer up some tips to a few of us who struggle once in awhile. 

Hear, hear to that. 
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« Reply #68 on: May 05, 2011, 09:54:47 AM »

  If all is going well with your relationship, you can probably offer up some tips to a few of us who struggle once in awhile.   

To be honest, sometimes I think we haven't had any real problems because we haven't had time!  We're exhausted.
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« Reply #69 on: May 05, 2011, 10:35:34 AM »

 I feel like a foreigner in my home when the girls are there  

KHat -- I want in some small way to respond to this in particular. It resonated alot with me.    For me, moving into his home and being too slow about settling in and also pining for my home of 10 years made it all worse.  But now that I'm well settled, I can say that this feeling is still really easily activated when the SSs are around.  And of course it's not about place -- it has everything to do with interactions, body language, tone, and those rolling eyes we get!  The stepmom literature often sites the stat: 93% of what gets communicated is the non-verbal of any interaction... .I have had to really keep this in mind when I'm feeling a stranger in a strange land especially.  The worse thing for me at least, would be to react to the SSs from the place of a feeling a stranger since it is fundamentally a place of insecurity and fear. The below work pretty well.  I still have work on not getting angry with the husband (I keep in under wraps) but it's still misguided.

So, I have a few strategies:

1. I have a couple of "go to" places in the house (dinner has never actually been ruined when I took a couple minutes to step away!) -- the back garden, a particular chair, a picture in our bedroom, even the bathroom... .I tell myself "I can take a few minutes to be quietly with me... ." and I do; often it's enough to prevent an unhelpful reaction to the kids and, even better, settles me a tad.

2. My husband and I touch (feet under the table, a hand on a shoulder in passing, a lean against his back) -- he's brilliant in getting how much this can ease me (and truth be told, when the SS10 is in oppositional mode, I think husband likes it too).

3. I usually try first and frequently to engage my empathy better for the SSs (you are soo empathic so maybe not an issue for you)... .I remind myself that their possessions and relationships have all been "tampered" with by a sometimes-ugly and often-loved and always-desired mom.  I reflect on my own dislocations as a wee one and how much "home" meant when I finally got it.

4. Finally, I will actively quell the denigrating voice (resonate of each of my parents- - mom more) which endorses my "strangeness"... .that's simply not helpful.  I I find it's surprsingly easy (I'm a pretty strong person) to go into a "reversion" mode, or regress, to that feeling of insecurity.  So, being alert to it takes the element of surprise away.  Then, frankly gratitude is my antidote.  I am lucky to be loved by this man, lucky to be given someone elses children to love -- even in moments or EOW (!), lucky for the hope that I can rise to this occasion etc... .don't know if that will work for you.  Chocolate also helps a great deal.   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #70 on: May 05, 2011, 11:05:26 AM »

So, I have a few strategies:

1. I have a couple of "go to" places in the house (dinner has never actually been ruined when I took a couple minutes to step away!) -- the back garden, a particular chair, a picture in our bedroom, even the bathroom... .I tell myself "I can take a few minutes to be quietly with me... ." and I do; often it's enough to prevent an unhelpful reaction to the kids and, even better, settles me a tad.

2. My husband and I touch (feet under the table, a hand on a shoulder in passing, a lean against his back) -- he's brilliant in getting how much this can ease me (and truth be told, when the SS10 is in oppositional mode, I think husband likes it too).

3. I usually try first and frequently to engage my empathy better for the SSs (you are soo empathic so maybe not an issue for you)... .I remind myself that their possessions and relationships have all been "tampered" with by a sometimes-ugly and often-loved and always-desired mom.  I reflect on my own dislocations as a wee one and how much "home" meant when I finally got it.

4. Finally, I will actively quell the denigrating voice (resonate of each of my parents- - mom more) which endorses my "strangeness"... .that's simply not helpful.  I I find it's surprsingly easy (I'm a pretty strong person) to go into a "reversion" mode, or regress, to that feeling of insecurity.  So, being alert to it takes the element of surprise away.  Then, frankly gratitude is my antidote.  I am lucky to be loved by this man, lucky to be given someone elses children to love -- even in moments or EOW (!), lucky for the hope that I can rise to this occasion etc... .don't know if that will work for you.  Chocolate also helps a great deal.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

I love this!
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« Reply #71 on: May 06, 2011, 08:58:02 AM »

 I feel like a foreigner in my home when the girls are there  

KHat -- I want in some small way to respond to this in particular. It resonated alot with me.    For me, moving into his home and being too slow about settling in and also pining for my home of 10 years made it all worse.  But now that I'm well settled, I can say that this feeling is still really easily activated when the SSs are around.  And of course it's not about place -- it has everything to do with interactions, body language, tone, and those rolling eyes we get!  The stepmom literature often sites the stat: 93% of what gets communicated is the non-verbal of any interaction... .I have had to really keep this in mind when I'm feeling a stranger in a strange land especially.  The worse thing for me at least, would be to react to the SSs from the place of a feeling a stranger since it is fundamentally a place of insecurity and fear. The below work pretty well.  I still have work on not getting angry with the husband (I keep in under wraps) but it's still misguided.

So, I have a few strategies:

1. I have a couple of "go to" places in the house (dinner has never actually been ruined when I took a couple minutes to step away!) -- the back garden, a particular chair, a picture in our bedroom, even the bathroom... .I tell myself "I can take a few minutes to be quietly with me... ." and I do; often it's enough to prevent an unhelpful reaction to the kids and, even better, settles me a tad.

2. My husband and I touch (feet under the table, a hand on a shoulder in passing, a lean against his back) -- he's brilliant in getting how much this can ease me (and truth be told, when the SS10 is in oppositional mode, I think husband likes it too).

3. I usually try first and frequently to engage my empathy better for the SSs (you are soo empathic so maybe not an issue for you)... .I remind myself that their possessions and relationships have all been "tampered" with by a sometimes-ugly and often-loved and always-desired mom.  I reflect on my own dislocations as a wee one and how much "home" meant when I finally got it.

4. Finally, I will actively quell the denigrating voice (resonate of each of my parents- - mom more) which endorses my "strangeness"... .that's simply not helpful.  I I find it's surprsingly easy (I'm a pretty strong person) to go into a "reversion" mode, or regress, to that feeling of insecurity.  So, being alert to it takes the element of surprise away.  Then, frankly gratitude is my antidote.  I am lucky to be loved by this man, lucky to be given someone elses children to love -- even in moments or EOW (!), lucky for the hope that I can rise to this occasion etc... .don't know if that will work for you.  Chocolate also helps a great deal.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

THANK YOU, allhelpwelcome.  So much of what you delineate in your strategy is what I need to do, step by step when it happens.  I am only empathetic after the moment passes; while IN it, I feel as if one of my own peers is rejecting or judging or challenging me.  And I also regress to what my mother's voice is saying; I'm working on strategies for arguing it but haven't quite gotten there yet.

I have to say that one of my perceptions and complaints is that BF is NOT as physically affectionate when the kids are here.  He doesn't see it, but he just doesn't touch, hug or kiss me as much when they're around.  Part of it is that it's THEM he's hugging and cuddling with, and I think part of that is that he subconsciously doesn't want to upset them.  Either way, it has the effect of making me feel triply rejected, especially by the person I trust most.  He's aware of how I feel, and although he disputes it, I think he's trying to make an effort to do better.  But I have to say that even if the kids were friendly and open and engaging, I don't like the shift that happens between us, how we go from being a couple to being a pair of adults focused on and engaged with them.

One of the lessons I took from my upbringing is that if I am in a bad mood - sad, angry, petulant, pessimistic, anxious - people do not want to be around me.  I do close myself up in a little cocoon and expect others to avoid me if I don't make a good attempt at hiding it.  It is a novel idea that my anxiety or tension could actually BRING closeness rather than repel it.  I wonder if that would work for us.

Thanks again - it's helpful to know that someone else is experiencing this also.
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« Reply #72 on: May 06, 2011, 10:16:04 AM »

I'm not a norm secondary non... .

but I AM raising the kids.  My BPD/bipd/EDd has sole custody and lives here.

We are parenting the kids 2 & 4... .have poa for medical & school.

It's a BEAR to try to explain this to the kids.  It's a BEAR to deal wiht the irresponsiblity, the raging, the fallout.

So again... .not sure I'm a true SN but can relate to all of it.
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« Reply #73 on: May 06, 2011, 10:37:09 AM »

I'm not a norm secondary non... .

but I AM raising the kids.  My BPD/bipd/EDd has sole custody and lives here.

We are parenting the kids 2 & 4... .have poa for medical & school.

It's a BEAR to try to explain this to the kids.  It's a BEAR to deal wiht the irresponsiblity, the raging, the fallout.

So again... .not sure I'm a true SN but can relate to all of it.

I'm not all about the labels. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Anyone is welcome to chime in when something resonates. I'm not sure even the true definition of a Secondary Non. Our lives aren't really defined as to how we are in relation to the pwBPD in our lives - I think we all are managing just the same in the different roles we have. (Bio-parent, Grandma, Stepmom, Aunt)

I do think it is particularily hard for those of us who have limits (whether it be legally or not) in parenting the kids. As a mom to a daughter who is suffering from BPD, I can only imagine the tightrope that must entail. 

What do you do to help keep you grounded?
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« Reply #74 on: May 06, 2011, 06:05:11 PM »

Now that's a great question.

Some days... .grounding is hard.  Some days super grounded.

I look at myself as Mommy#2.  The kids know who to go to when they NEED something.  Me.

I hate days where it's time for the ME show.  Today was one of them.  Mom's Tea at preschool.

She waltzes in like the Queen... .I'm the subserviant.  She gets the glam, I get the poop.

Having grown up similarly, I KNOW who they will think is the real parent. 

That's how I stay grounded.  I'm just sad that history is REpeating itself with one more generation.

It's a good thing I'm not sentimental... .cuz I'm the booboo kisser, just don't get the cool handmade cards.

Their hugs and kisses and LOVE goes wayyyy far in keeping my feet on the ground.
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« Reply #75 on: May 06, 2011, 06:54:29 PM »

It's a good thing I'm not sentimental... .cuz I'm the booboo kisser, just don't get the cool handmade cards.

I've quoted this one before - for all the Invisible Mothers.

The Invisible Mother

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone (or even on the toilet) and ask to be taken somewhere.

Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm busy?'

Obviously, not.

No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.  I'm invisible.  The invisible Mom.  Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more:  Can you fix this?  Can you tie this?  Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being.  I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?'  I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?'  I'm a taxi to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'  I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again.  She's going; she's going; she is gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. My friend had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well.  It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when my friend turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.'

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe.

I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:  "... .with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book.  And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work. No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.

They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.

   

The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam.  He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof?  No one will ever see it.'  And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.

It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, ' I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.  No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over.  You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction.   But it is not a disease that is erasing my life.  It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness.  It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder.  As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My mom gets up at 4:00 in the morning and bakes homemade pies.  Then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.'  That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself.  I just want him to want to come home.  And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right.

And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women. We never know what our finished products will turn out to be because of our perseverance.
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« Reply #76 on: May 09, 2011, 08:11:57 AM »

Now that's a great question.

Some days... .grounding is hard.  Some days super grounded.

I look at myself as Mommy#2.  The kids know who to go to when they NEED something.  Me.

I hate days where it's time for the ME show.  Today was one of them.  Mom's Tea at preschool.

She waltzes in like the Queen... .I'm the subserviant.  She gets the glam, I get the poop.

Having grown up similarly, I KNOW who they will think is the real parent. 

That's how I stay grounded.  I'm just sad that history is REpeating itself with one more generation.

It's a good thing I'm not sentimental... .cuz I'm the booboo kisser, just don't get the cool handmade cards.

Their hugs and kisses and LOVE goes wayyyy far in keeping my feet on the ground.

{{{{{serenitygone}}}}}   

I feel for you and want to wish you and everyone here a happy mother's day, even if it's a day late.

I have been feeling so nauseous about this holiday because 1) my own mother is now gone, and I'm still having trouble dealing with the anger I feel at the fleas she left me with, 2) I had to beg my child to just call me yesterday; Mother's Day is one of those holidays that falls by the wayside in a divorce because the ex is the one who has to help the child make the effort and fund the acknowledgement, and when he thinks I'm not a real mother because I gave him the custody he wanted, the attention gets completely focused on the stepmother, and 3) my boyfriends' kids don't want to even put me on the same level as their mother let alone have a day where they have to acknowledge me.

I felt invisible ... .and not only that, but not worthy of visibility.  I felt like if my son didn't call me (he finally did at around 8:20 even though his dad normally confiscates all kids' cell phones at 8 PM on school nights) then it meant I did not deserve it.

I struggled with tears throughout the day but for an hour before I finally dropped off to sleep had to repeat to myself over and over again, "I'm good enough."  And I felt horrible for being so self-centered when my boyfriend was also experiencing his first mother's day without his mother.

I think it's time for me to talk to a professional.
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« Reply #77 on: May 09, 2011, 11:21:22 AM »

I felt invisible ... .and not only that, but not worthy of visibility.  I felt like if my son didn't call me (he finally did at around 8:20 even though his dad normally confiscates all kids' cell phones at 8 PM on school nights) then it meant I did not deserve it.

I struggled with tears throughout the day but for an hour before I finally dropped off to sleep had to repeat to myself over and over again, "I'm good enough."  And I felt horrible for being so self-centered when my boyfriend was also experiencing his first mother's day without his mother.

I think it's time for me to talk to a professional.

Oh, Khat.  x

What others people believe (and say) and what you believe (and think) aren't always going to coincide. I know it's really difficult not to stand in the shadows of someone else's judgement while trying to convince yourself otherwise. Like in Julia Robert's infamous roll in Pretty Woman when she talks about what people say about us - "the bad stuff is easier to believe."  

I also know what it's like to feel the need to remind myself that I don't suck. Or want to tell others that there is no need to be make me feel bad, I do that very well all on my own.

KHat, I often feel like a terrible mother. I'm high strung, short tempered, controlling, disorganized and always late.  My patience is something to be desired so I think it's OK that I opted for velcro when they were young and let their teachers teach them to tie their shoes instead.  I also take great comfort when I see a mom with disheveled hair express to her own 14yo - in the middle of Walmart - that she needs silence, immediately with a "Shutup already"... .reminds me that nobody is perfect in this. Nobody.

So, from the bottom of my heart - I think you are good enough too.

Glad you're going to talk to someone, Khat. It did me a world of good.

~DG
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« Reply #78 on: May 16, 2011, 07:57:17 PM »

I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:  "... .with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

Today was a hard day.  I read this and just cried.  I went to a meeting with DH at school about SD11 and her learning disabilities, and was told all about her amazing negotiating skill.  That is probably my main contribution to this family.  When the kids freak out BPD style, I say something like, "If you can try asking in a nice way, and negotiating, it is much more likely that you will get what you want."  I say, "Right now, you get to decide if you want me to hear about how bad your sister is or if you want me to help you get what you want from her."  I have lead the kids through countless negotiations... ." I hear that you are really angry right now.  Maybe you can tell your sister you are angry, then ask her if she is willing to hear your request."  Giving feedback on their attempts without judging or needing a specific outcome, just helping them at basic communication and negotiation skills when they want to just do like mom does and blame and complain and cry.  Crying is okay, too.  I just offer to hold them, let them have some crying time.  Dad does lots of great and loving things, and he also just listens much better than I do.  But I am the one who helps them find their real voices, and it is showing in their worlds. 

Last week, SD7  (who NEVER says she hates me or anyone else, who truly loves me) was fighting in her room with SD11.  DH went to their room and asked what was going on, and SD11 reported SD7 was saying she hates me, and SD11 was telling her not to say that.  SD7 was saying, "I did not say that!" and SD 11 was saying, ":)on't make it look like I am lying!"  I went upstairs and DH and I both explained how important it is to be honest.  SD7 admitted she was saying that, and burst into tears.  "But I don't hate you!" 

I took her hand and sat down with her.  I said, "Sometimes when people say they hate someone, what they really mean is that they are really angry at someone.  I am wondering if you are angry at me because I told you to clean your room."  She thought about it, and replied, "I am not really angry at you.  Just sometimes when someone tells me to do something I feel REALLY angry.  It is not really at you."  I say, "There is another word: frustrated.  Which means that you want to do something, and something gets in your way.  So you are angry you cannot do what you want."  She said, "I felt frustrated and angry that you told me to clean my room."  I said, "Was it that I wanted you to clean, or HOW I said it?" She things a little, says, "Both.  I felt angry that you wanted me to clean up, and that you sounded mad when you said it." 

I say, "It is completely okay for you to feel angry, and when you tell me this way, it is so easy for me to hear you. "  Some eye contact and silence. 

"The room still needs to get cleaned, and I really do not want to do it.  What ideas do you have about how the room will get cleaned?"  She came up with paying her sister to do it (she had $20 b-day money), me doing it, and some other ideas.  We agreed to one of those options, and then SD11 said she wanted to clean her part, but she did not want to clean SD7's part.  WE worked it out for SD7 to pay me to clean her room. 

I really see the girls learning how to do the magic of working with others in a way their mom just will never master.  There are so many pains that can be eased by listening, saying your true feelings rather than putting them on others, and then asking for what we want.  I am learning that this is a set of important skills just by teaching them, when I have taken them so for granted.  On the one hand, this is such a humble task.  I am a step mom and they most likely will never credit me with this thing they have learned.  But it is also what will allow them to change the world.
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« Reply #79 on: October 16, 2016, 09:47:15 AM »

I am a step mom and they most likely will never credit me with this thing they have learned.  But it is also what will allow them to change the world.

Yes indeed.

I'm reading a book - that talks about how when we welcome someone in our life, we all start to become enraveled in each other.  Like a great fabric.  My stories and quirks are picked up by someone else who may just carry a thought with them... .not even knowing it, I become a part of them and them a part of me.

The same way I often recall a story you told me about a kayaking trip and the irrational (and unfamiliar) fear you were experiencing - and the inner dialogue going on (you'd done it before and certainly were more then capable) to quelch the negative thoughts.  Your most comforting tale reminding me to have a little more faith in myself. That little lesson has become a part of who I am - coming from a little part of you... .

You've certainly become a part of those beautiful little girls, ennie... .and they are forever the better for it.     

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« Reply #80 on: October 17, 2016, 10:59:22 AM »

Thank you for creating this new board!

I've lived with my BF for over a year, have been together almost 2 years. We have SD8 & SD6 50% of the time. We have the normal issues that a stepfamily faces (SD's loyalty binds to their mom, jealousy toward me from SD8, etc.) -- AND his uBPDx! She triangulates her BF with each of us, disrespects boundaries, blame-shifts constantly, tries to control our time with and without the girls, and recently has her girls acting out her feelings and craziness toward us, just to name a few of the issues. 

I had a uBPDm and a uBPDxbf and have learned lots from this board over the last few years but wanted to introduce myself here since this is where I spend my time on these boards nowadays.
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« Reply #81 on: October 17, 2016, 11:50:59 AM »

How cool!  A new board... .I have been a little gun shy about posting because BPD mom has been looking for me and publishing things on the internet, but I will venture out some since my name is not attached here.

I am a secondary non--my DH had three kids when we married, and I had two, and then we had one "ours" kiddo.  While I think that BPD mom was always alienating some beneath the surface, when DH let her know about the "ours" baby, her alienation tactics came out full force.  We were in court for 6 years, and my husband has pretty much lost the oldest to alienation for now, and his other son in college is really struggling (just got hospitalized due to panic attacks and suicidal ideation, and I know it is because of all the trauma of the PA he has endured this last year).  It upsets me because I feel that the court system could have protected the kids, and it failed miserably.  His son does not deserve this pain (none of the kids do), and he really does not understand fully what is causing it, I am sure (he just calls it "last year's drama).

Because of the severe alienation, my husband has sole custody of the youngest (in high school), and BPDmom only has supervised visits (which she hasn't set up yet).  But it took losing two kids to alienation for the court to do something to protect the kids.
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« Reply #82 on: October 17, 2016, 12:07:00 PM »

New board!

My story, I got the double whammy.

*was married 10 years to a man with BPD/NPD, bipolar, substance abuse. One child: S15
*relationship ended 6 years ago
*ended up with full custody following a high-conflict 4-year custody battle.

Meanwhile:

*met SO 4 years ago, started dating 3.5 years ago
*SO has a BPD x wife and 3 kids (D22, D19, S17).
*100 percent certain that D19 is BPD.

D19 is more like a quiet borderline, which in many ways is harder than the outward raging aggressive stuff I experienced with my ex. The thing is, I learned how to hold a boundary with my ex. And I can hold boundaries with D19. But SO does not, and that affects me.  

The eggshells, the distortions, the passive aggression, the bad boundaries, the neediness and clinging, the disassociating. D19 is back at school, but she'll be here for the holidays in a few months. I was so panicky about her returning that I impulsively booked flights so S15 and I will be away visiting friends.  

There is a chance D19 will be here again next year to work her summer job, and I'm frantically plotting an exit plan, stay with a close friend who lives in another state. My job is one I can do remotely.

I know it's wrong to scamper and hide like this. I'm also really, really sad and not sure what taking care of myself looks like with this kind of relationship.

SO and I went to see my T and did a bit of an intervention that helped us. And SO is working hard to hold forth on boundaries that are important to me. But it's been a constant struggle, and I feel like there is this middle way where I take on only as much as I can take on.

The impact of BPD mom on me is mostly flare-ups that I can work through. It's D19 that has me in knots.



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« Reply #83 on: October 17, 2016, 01:24:06 PM »

I'm not around too much anymore, as our situation is very stable (knock on all available pieces of wood, including my own hard head!).

I'm married almost three years to my DH, father of S20 and S16. uBPDew spent a year in jail so DH had emergency custody, and then won permanent custody of S16 (who was 14 at the time). uBPDew lives two states away, and S20 is nc. S16 would like to be, but it learning how to minimize contact with her. He is counting the possible visitations until he is 18, and has really opened up this past summer about his younger life and how he really feels about his mom.

I am widowed with S26 and D20. I found this site when we were in the thick of the court battle, and can't thank everyone here enough for keeping me sane.

 
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« Reply #84 on: October 19, 2016, 09:52:44 AM »

I am a stepmom to my SD11. DH was never married to uBPDbm but lived with her for a long time. We met shortly after he moved out (probably bad timing, but oh well) so I got the full force of uBPDbm's abandonment rages. It could have split DH and I up, but it ended up giving us a strong bond.

We have been in this custody dispute for just about four years now. We currently have 50/50 but are pursuing primary (pending the results of a neverending CE, now going on 2+ years we've been waiting on it). We have been through multiple false CPS claims (drugs, sexual abuse, medical neglect), false TRO charges (kidnapping), and just any nastiness that uBPDbm can throw our way. Poor SD11 has been in the middle of this for four years now. We're hoping for some relief soon!

DH and I dated and were engaged for two years before marrying. We've been married two years. DH and I have a one year old son and another on the way.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #85 on: October 21, 2016, 01:10:17 PM »

Oh wow, congratulations Thunderstruck 

I can't imagine to have children of my own as the familiar situation is just too much for me the way it already is. But I'm young, i still have time to change my mind :D

I met DH 6 years ago and we're married for 3. I have a Ss9 who lives with the husband and me since 2014. Before he came to live with us, BPDm moved from town to town with him constantly and illegitimately put him in foster care. Illegitimately because they share custody and she didn't inform dh. He got notice when the process was through. Until then he was ordered to an empty flat by BPDm EOW. When he informed the police, he was informed that his son was already in foster care for 2 months.

Ss has special needs (no disabilities but his development is 2 years behind due to not being taught stuff at given times). I work in the field (mental health care), so we're in a good network of support.


Right now, things are getting nasty again, as BPDm forbade ss from therapy without having to name a reason (because if the shared custody). We're at it.
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« Reply #86 on: October 21, 2016, 02:58:22 PM »

My situation is a bit different -- my DH and I reconnected (knew each other as teens) in our 50s, and our children are all adults in their 30s.  We have two grandchildren.

One would think that at this stage in our lives, DH's uNPD/BPD ex would not be disruptive.  However, we continue to deal with fall-out with the adult children and the 15 year old granddaughter, and that fall-out definitely derives from the Ex and her continued behaviors.  I am especially concerned about DH's daughter, who admits she has tried to resolve her relationship with her mother by marrying men who were the male versions of her mom (the second of which is falling apart as we speak).  I'm also concerned about influence on the 15 year old.

I have really worked on Radical Acceptance, and I feel more compassion for her than I used to feel -- certainly I went through a period of anger.  I still slip when the Ex does something especially hurtful or callous, or is intrusive to our marriage (yes, that still happens). It's not something that I need to attend to every day of our lives together, but it's still a factor.
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« Reply #87 on: October 21, 2016, 09:17:20 PM »

My SO and I have been together for 6 years but do not live together.  We live 20 miles apart right now and have stayed separate because of our kids.  My S23 still lives with me goes to college (near our home) part time and works part time, not quite ready to get out on his own yet but getting closer  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  My job also plays a factor in where I live.  My SO has a D20 also attending college (that's located between my home and his) who still lives at home and a D16 who is still in High School.  D16 has been diagnosed with PTSD has a really good support system where she is so we don't want to uproot her.  So here we are living 2 lives... .one together... .and one separate.

We met on-line, I had been divorced a year and he had been separated only a few months.  We hit it off like gangbusters!  He actually told me about his uBPDxw (we didn't know what BPD was back then) on our first date but I didn't really get it until we had been together awhile.

When we met his ex had primary custody of their daughters he was an EOW dad plus Wednesday night dinners.  This was very conducive to our fledgling relationship so back then we got a lot of time alone together and got to know each other better. He was fighting for 50/50 custody. 

The ex was alternately neglectful and indulgent with their daughters.  She'd take them shopping for all kinds of frivolous things they didn't need but couldn't get the younger daughter to the dentist for a tooth ache for example... .SO finally got her there.  She used their daughters as spies and weapons... .She brought false allegations against my SO for throwing a phone into the couch then didn't even bother to show up to court (she was out with her daughter getting a mani/pedi  ) The court found no abuse.  The girls went through everything at their dads house and even reported the contents of his freezer back to their mother.  There was parental alienation too. 

I walked into this at first not understanding it at all, then with each attack on my SO I got angrier and angrier.  Who was I angry at?  The uBPDxw for all the lies, drama, and manipulation, his daughters for turning on their dad, and my SO who I was beginning to think had no backbone (the FOG was thick back then).

Although his daughters knew of my existence we didn't meet until their dad and I had been together a year.  Those first meetings did not go well for me.  Those girls were mean and it hurt!  (We found out later that their mom told them that their dad had been having an affair with me for sometime before they separated)

In the meantime he and I had become a team against the "Evil Ex" fighting for his rights as a father and for the hearts and minds of his kids.  We discovered we made a good team but there was a lot of drama... .a lot of winning and losing... .for him sadness around his relationship with his daughters... .and for me fuming anger.  None of these things were good.

One day I googled "Chronic Lying" and discovered BPD and boy did the shoe fit  Thought I began reading everything I could and eventually found my way here.  By then the divorce was final but I still carried lots of anger.  I arrived here struggling to have a relationship with my SO's daughters... .wanting a relationship... .but not wanting a relationship.  I didn't trust them, after all they had been a part of in hurting their father.  I knew they were puppets and children but they were messing with the man I loved!  Back then everything they did was tied to their mother (enmeshment) and it seemed like they just brought their mother (metaphorically) with them everywhere. 

These days I don't try as hard with his daughters I pretty much just do what I want to do in terms of my relationship with them.  I don't want to be their mother, but I do hope to be a positive presence. My philosophy has always been do no harm (I have not always been successful) when it comes to his kids they've had enough stuff happen in their lives.  Sometimes that means I stay in my neck of the woods. 

These days what I struggle with is his daughters desperate attention seeking (both are LC with their mom - so I get it).  There is an undercurrent of competition for my attention or to side with one daughter or the other or team up with them to gang up on dad.  I try to stay out of that triangle. Their neediness is very emotionally draining for me.  It's hard there is a lot of insecurity (mine included) around having a balanced relationship with both girls, particularly because I have a natural affinity with one that I don't have with the other. I am a parent of an only child so sibling rivalry isn't something I have a lot of experience with and I have a son so daughters are a whole new ball of wax too.

We are a work in progress.
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« Reply #88 on: October 24, 2016, 01:34:28 AM »

I just joined this forum. However I am not new to the BPD topic. 5 yrs ago I married a wonderful man. His only remarks about his former spouse were: she was very complicated, difficult and never allowed him to do anything he wanted and constangly negated his feelings and wishes in everything.
Back then we had no idea. After 1.5 yrs battle in court for him to get shared custody and frequent attacks on him and me we finally talked to a therapist who happened to have done a fellowship in our town with the leading professor on DBT. He pointed out to us that my husbands Ex may have BPD and recommended to us reading "Understanding the Borderline mother". That openend our eyes and we have since been very involved in learning more and ecducating ourselves. It does of course not change the BPDs behavior.

I am a stepmother to 2 10yr old twin boys. One of them diagnosed with ADHD and mildly being on the ASD spectrum. The other (the golden child) was recently diagnosed with disruptive mood dysregulation disorder.
We do not have children together which makes my heart hurt all the more for these two innocent little boys who are trapped in a world of anxiewty and fear.

We recently moved overseas (to the country the boys were born in).
Our constant "battles" are: being able to skype with the boys (court order says my husband gets 2 30min skype calls per week... .BPDxw always finds ways to interfere and interrupt), visitation (a visitation schedule is set up in court but BPDxw tries continually to find ways to not send the children to us), and staying informed about what happens in the boys life (BPDxw witholds all information and has instructed the boys to not share information about their life with us).
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« Reply #89 on: October 24, 2016, 11:45:01 AM »

DH and I went on vacation for a week and now that I'm back I see we have a new board of our very own!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

When I first met DH the kids lived several states away and he only had them every other major holiday, a few weeks during the summer, and one weekend a month in the state they lived in if he could afford to make the trip. The only thing he told me was that his exW was blocking a large majority of his communication with his kids but that he was taking her to court for contempt and would eventually try to get more of the summer with them and possibly custody if he could get it. That was more than four years ago.

I've been a full time SM to SD13 and SS12 for the past two years after a lengthy and nasty court battle. The kid's uBPDm was on dating web sites a week after losing custody and about a month and a half later she hooked up with her current bf. She is very engrossed in her life with him. Things would be great except the court order makes DH responsible for specific phone contact with the teenage children. She refuses to be at all flexible even when the children's schedules require it. So it's back to court we go early next year. The good news is that this last tweek of the order should be something we can live with for the next six years and BPDm is not likely to ever want to take us to court since it requires travel to our state now.

The small amount of visitation she gets is primarily spent grilling SD and complaining about how unfairly she is treated by everyone. As the kids continue to get older and spend so little time under their BM's influence it is slowly becoming easier to disengage and let them learn who their mom is and how to navigate their relationships with her.

DH and I are seriously considering having an "ours" baby now that things are more settled. I don't know what the future holds for us in that department. But it's nice to be happy and have good things to look forward to. For a long time it didn't seem like things were going to go that way.
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« Reply #90 on: October 24, 2016, 01:51:24 PM »

My wonderful life partner's ex shows signs of BPD, though she isn't diagnosed. I am hoping this board will provide empathy as he and I seek to help his two children (girl is 11, boy is 14) deal with the ex's unpredictability and other behaviors that provoke extreme anxiety in the 14 year old (he is currently avoiding school -- truant officers are involved as are multiple mental health professionals). And I'm worried that the 11yo, once she hits full-on puberty, will start having similar (or other) problems.

I am struggling with what my role is in all of this. The ex sometimes copies me on emails to various medical professionals with regard to the 14 year old and his problems, and I'm damned if I respond and damned if I don't. She is as nice as can be sometimes -- inviting me to lunch, for instance (which I avoid -- she is an exhausting time suck of negative energy).

Thanks for reading!
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« Reply #91 on: November 01, 2016, 12:55:10 PM »

 Hello friends!
A big  Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) to Skip for creating this group! 

I've been married to 1.5 years (together 3y) to my soulmate and best friend.  DH and uBPDx were divorced in 2010 and she moved 4h away to pursue her "hopes and her dreams" that she blamed DH for destroying (?).  They decided SSs would stay w/ DH and continue in same school.  The PA done via mediation states she gets them every weekend she isn't working (2 out of every 3) and on school breaks & summer.  Holidays are split equally.  Fast forward to last year when DH and I married, all of a sudden SS13 and SS10 start saying they want to go to school in uBPDx's town because it "wouldn't cost tuition" and there are "better opportunities" there.  UBPDx accused DH of not listening to what SSs wanted, insisted DH should let them move with uBPDx and go to school there.  SS13 especially became enmeshed and reported to uBPDx via text everything that was going on in our home. SSs were already confused/conflicted about DH getting remarried and moving to a new house.  SSs said DH puts newstepmom first, DH doesn't care about what SSs want, DH doesn't listen to SSs, DH makes SSs do all chores while newstepmom is lazy and sits on the couch, newstepmom is mean to them, on and on.  SSs and I have always had a normal/fun relationship so I was surprised!  During this time I broke all the stepmom rules: I confronted SSs about why they said they didn't like me, I defended myself to SSs about uBPDx's accusations, SSs overheard me say uBPDx was brainwashing them, I grunted/muttered snide things in reference to uBPDx, I tried to help DH with discipline when SSs acted out.  I was turning into the stereotypical wicked stepmother  .  During this time I also read Dr. Warshak's book ":)ivorce Poison" and completely freaked out that we would lose SSs to uBPDx's parental alienation.  I also read "Lost In the Mirror" trying to see things from uBPDx's perspective, but I started to think I have BPD too! 

The day after uBPDx picked SSs up to stay with her for the summer, she had DH served papers suing for FC/CS with an emergency motion to start from the date she picked them up.  And b/c it was summer she had 100% access to continue alienating SSs from us!  I'll skip the details, but $17,000 later for L fees we are now awaiting the judge's decision (which could be to keep things the same!).  DH countersued her for FC/CS but my understanding is the judge doesn't have to award either.  That's a question for the law board.

The good news... .SSs are back in school with us and having a ball.  They haven't mentioned living with uBPDx since before the first day of school and my relationship w/ them has never been better.  I think SS13 is starting to realize there is something not right about uBPDx but he is still fiercely protective of her.  I am concerned that SS10 rages and lashes out much like uBPDx but it's happening less and less.   I think SS10 is processing his feelings of abandonment and isn't sure how to express that anger.  I really wish DH would take them back to see a T but the last experience was not good--T told DH to not bring them back because they wouldn't talk.  Ugh!

My anger is much better these days--insert Serenity Prayer.  I'm still seething about the $17,000 lost in L fees but I try not to focus on that.  Thank you all for sharing your stories!  It's nice to know none of us is alone! 
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« Reply #92 on: November 01, 2016, 08:24:58 PM »

Hello -
   I was with my x for 8 years, never really realized SHE was the one with BPD (or possibly NPD)... .just thought I was losing my mind for much of the 8 years.

 We've been split and attempting to 'co-parent' two boys (15 and 11) for the past ten years. 

About 3 years ago, she became involved with a woman who quickly decided (and apparently my ex was in agreement) that it was her place to begin parenting the boys in a way that I (and I thought my ex) did not agree with.  Then this past summer they were married and now I feel like she feels she has some sort of 'right' to be involved because of that change.  However, in the state we are in, step-parent's have NO legal rights.

So now, not only do I struggle/fight against my ex's BPD issues, but her new wife's as well.  I fairly constantly feel ganged up on and am having to stop myself from being negative about the step-mother in front of the kids - especially the 11 year old - because she will make him the 'go-between' rather than talk to me or better yet, have my ex and I be the primary parents. She tells the boys lies (they smell when they come from my home, their things/clothes are covered with pet hair from my home) and she pretty much tells them the exact opposite of what I have when they talk to her. And I don't feel as though I can have a civil/reasonable conversation with my ex about this behavior for all the reasons you all have discussed previously about people with BPD.

We did mediation - my x was not willing to compromise.  We tried parenting coordination - only lasted a couple sessions as she was unwilling to accept MY attorney's parenting agreement (legal contract) which the parenting coordinator thought and told my attorney 'was unreasonable' as well as that she (the parenting coordinator) wasn't sure she would be able to continue with us anyway, because of my ex's unreasonable-ness.  And during the couple sessions we did have, I was accused of being disrespectful to her partner: "You'll get respect when you show it."  I do my best not to interact with the partner.

I see a therapist and have begun practicing mindfulness/Buddhism for my own sanity. 

I just feel alone and that despite my friends supporting me, they really don't 'get it' not having a BPD person in their life in the capacity I'm dealing with.

I know this is a bit different than the majority of people's situations here, but any advice AS a step-parent and maybe, how you decided what type of role to take in the kids' lives would be interesting and good for me.  Really any positive input/constructive criticism would be appreciated.

Thank you!


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polly87
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: in a r/s since May 2016
Posts: 175



« Reply #93 on: November 15, 2016, 05:40:09 PM »

Hello guys!
My bf has two daughters of 5 and 7 yo. The people with BPD traits in this story:
- my bf's ex has BPD traits
- my MIL has BPD traits
- my FIL has NPD traits. They're codependent.
- my mother has uBPD, I've been NC for a couple of years.
I myself have PTSD and recurring depressions.

Funny thing is that with my ex, I also had a MIL with BPD traits and a FIL with NPD traits who were codependent, but fortunately my current bf has found much better ways of coping with pwBPD, like firm boundaries.

The difficulty for me in the stepkid business is that my inner child finds it hard to see just how much love is showered on my stepkids by both of their parents. Also, I'm worried about my bf's ex's influence on the kids' opinion of their father.
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