Step parents: Introductions

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Okay, so I dropped in very early on in the thread and then got busy! ACK I hate that!  ;p

Trying to catch up here and really enjoying this thread of smart, caring women who are doing the best they can with what they got. 

... .

But no one pulled me aside and told me that my entire view of the world would change drastically when I began this relationship, that my own morals would be challenged (sometimes daily) and that I would actually become damaged from being a step-parent to children with a BPD mother.  When I say damaged - I mean, financially, spiritually, emotionally and on some occasions physically. 

Yet I still want to continue to do it! It's like that saying - Life is going to knock you down sometimes, it's whether you get up or stay down and it's a choice. I choose to get up and fight on.

All of these things are merely consequences of the job of being a step-parent to children with a BPD parent.   And I think those of us who do the best at this job are the ones that feel the most 'consequences'. 

Ditto that Marlo,

I also had a bit of reading to catch up on after leaving for a few days!

And yes, the more empathy we have, the harder it is on us. But I'm proud to say I feel like I'm one of those ladies. A couple of years ago I started to become an angry and frustrated person but I have turned that around, it's such a good feeling! And the result is there, my SD14 and I are pretty close now, she's letting me into her life and I can now look after her properly when she's with us.

As for your question about our own childhood, that's a real interesting one!

I grew up in a loving home, parents happily married, a happy childhood. I've never really wanted kids myself, and didn't know what I was getting myself into when I met FDH and found out he had kids (then 6 and 8yrs old). But for some reason I never thought about it twice, and I still don't have any doubts today. My views have changed a lot though.

I saw it as a bit of a challenge first I guess, wanting to help FDH sort his ex out so kids can have a happy childhood, hahaha... .That's the part where my views have changed

Also I really wanted to give these kids what I got as a child, a normal childhood. Every kid deserves a loving and stable home, and to be a child! To not have adult worries and to be looked after. That's the part that I'm still sticking with

[dutchie]

Okay, so I dropped in very early on in the thread and then got busy! ACK I hate that!  ;p

Trying to catch up here and really enjoying this thread of smart, caring women who are doing the best they can with what they got. 

... .

But no one pulled me aside and told me that my entire view of the world would change drastically when I began this relationship, that my own morals would be challenged (sometimes daily) and that I would actually become damaged from being a step-parent to children with a BPD mother.  When I say damaged - I mean, financially, spiritually, emotionally and on some occasions physically. 

Yet I still want to continue to do it! It's like that saying - Life is going to knock you down sometimes, it's whether you get up or stay down and it's a choice. I choose to get up and fight on.

All of these things are merely consequences of the job of being a step-parent to children with a BPD parent.   And I think those of us who do the best at this job are the ones that feel the most 'consequences'. 

Ditto that Marlo,

I also had a bit of reading to catch up on after leaving for a few days!

And yes, the more empathy we have, the harder it is on us. But I'm proud to say I feel like I'm one of those ladies. A couple of years ago I started to become an angry and frustrated person but I have turned that around, it's such a good feeling! And the result is there, my SD14 and I are pretty close now, she's letting me into her life and I can now look after her properly when she's with us.

As for your question about our own childhood, that's a real interesting one!

I grew up in a loving home, parents happily married, a happy childhood. I've never really wanted kids myself, and didn't know what I was getting myself into when I met FDH and found out he had kids (then 6 and 8yrs old). But for some reason I never thought about it twice, and I still don't have any doubts today. My views have changed a lot though.

I saw it as a bit of a challenge first I guess, wanting to help FDH sort his ex out so kids can have a happy childhood, hahaha... .That's the part where my views have changed

Also I really wanted to give these kids what I got as a child, a normal childhood. Every kid deserves a loving and stable home, and to be a child! To not have adult worries and to be looked after. That's the part that I'm still sticking with

[KHat]

Thanks to all for the encouragement.  I do believe that we are in the very early stages of a long journey, and the therapist my BF and I have seen a few times to improve our communication (and help us shed our bad habits from our previous marriages) has echoed this.  However, I also feel like it's primarily my job to guide the kids to a better place, and my personal history makes me almost frozen with second-guessing myself as to how to do it without screwing it up.   

I also wonder if you would consider going to a parenting class are assertiveness training class?  My mom teaches "Love and Logic" classes, that give lots of great ways of working with kids using more questions that works well with difficult situations.  It might help you to find new ways of dealing with boundaries that your skids could accept. 

I would.  My parenting approach with my 10yo son has always been very Love & Logic oriented, and my BF has admired my techniques and begun to use them with his children.  If they don't like what's being served for dinner at their grandfather's, he no longer searches the fridge to find something else or stops for fast food on the way home.  But a) they are not used to this, and b) their mother still does the old way, so it's very difficult to use some of the Love & Logic techniques in our situation.  They're all too ready to call her and claim they're being starved because they didn't like what was being served and didn't get McDonald's instead, and he doesn't like the discord of being yelled at by all three of them.  But if I had a dollar for every time he's said, "I love you too much to continue to argue a subject that causes so much pain for you" to the 12yo, I'd be rather wealthy, so that's good.   

In fact, I need to adopt some more of his habits where HIS kids are concerned.  I definitely treat them differently from mine.  That's primarily because I know my son will love me and knows I love him, and wants to please me and be helpful, and his kids resent my very presence,  not to mention my role as his partner.   We get so little time with them that both of us tend to shy away from things we know will change a cheerful mood to a resentful, sullen one.  I especially don't want my primary interaction with them to be asking them to do things they don't want to do, like cleaning up their places after a meal or helping set the table while we cook, but I also find myself resenting their self-centeredness that they expect these things to be done for them, so I COULD use a parenting class that focuses on assertiveness.  I'd also love to find a resource for using Love & Logic while in a contentious divorce/custody situation.  If you have any suggestions for either, that would be awesome.

[hell0kitty]

I'm new! Been lurking for some time. Have an amazing BF with a 5 yr old daughter and a BPDex. His ex is pretty text book BPD and my poor BF acted like he had PTSD when we first started dating. He has come a long way, but I still see things that I know are reactions from living with the abuse.

I started desperately reading everything I could after we started dating and she starting filing false restraining orders, going into rages, and generally just being a scary person. Just trying to find a way to keep my life sane and everyone happy.  I've always had a pretty undramatic life, have a great grown child, and am a very happy person.  This is the first time in my life I've ever dealt with someone like this, so it was a little unnerving to say the least.  I've always had a "Let's all just get along" philosophy.  My ex husband is a dear friend, and we were amazing co-parents.  Most undramatic divorce ever.  So this whole dealing with a BPD person in all new and quite shocking to me.

You guys are great, and even just as a lurker I've found a lot of comfort knowing that I am not alone in all of this. 

So, hello!

[DreamGirl]

So, hello!

Hello!

My ex husband is a dear friend, and we were amazing co-parents.  Most undramatic divorce ever.  So this whole dealing with a BPD person in all new and quite shocking to me.

Yes! I know how you feel about this one. Makes it tough sometimes when you know how it could be... .

Glad you dropped in to say hello.

  DreamGirl

[hell0kitty]

So true! It came as quite a shock because when I first came into the situation I thought it was going to be similar. Everyone could be friends, etc. Boy howdy was I surprised!  If he was not such an amazing guy his ex would have chased me away a loong time ago! I didn't really get to see her "in action" until I was already in love.

Such is life. 

[Bizzy]

Hello all,

My husband's ex-wife is a sort-of diagnosed pwBPD.  His 3 children live with us, SS6, SS13 & SD16.  I entered the picture nearly 5 years ago shortly after they split and moved in 4 years ago.  It has been a long road and I really don't know how to put it all in a nutshell.

The first 2 years biomom had custody, we had EOW.  A few months before custody mediation she agreed to 50/50, week on-week off.  That was a nightmare, the kids had trouble going back and forth between two very different households & parenting styles.  Last summer, biomom got a new boyfriend and moved out of her fiance's house and back in with her mom.  She moved before she had secured a job, car & new residence, so she "temporarily" left the kids with us.  8 months later, we filed for custody.  She fought it, as receiving child support and NOT having the kids suited her well, but the law was with us.  The kids are living with us and doing well socially & academically.  They see her EOW and one night a week. 

Our state drills it into your head that you're a bad parent if you can't settle custody out of court so we put it off as long as we could.  We finally went before a judge about 6 weeks ago and saw a LOT of projection from biomom.  I don't know why it shocked me so much.  I still have nightmares about court.

We're doing our best to make it easy on the kids.  Biomom didn't take the parenting class she was court-ordered to take, so she breaks many basic rules:  don't look for validation by asking the kids to choose between you, don't ask them to keep secrets, don't make them feel guilty for loving the other parent, etc.  It was recently ordered again so we're hoping she'll finally take it.  We don't know if she rages anymore.  SD16 (with autism) sort of busted her a few years ago when we told her that grown-ups don't have temper tantrums & she said "but mom has them all the time."  We stopped hearing about them, but we don't know for sure if they have eased up.  She may be on her best behavior for the new BF.

Anyway, the kids are great, we love them to pieces, and we're doing our best.  I have definitely lost myself by taking on the stepmom role 100% of the time, but that's my problem that I need to fix.

DH has been great at setting boundaries and our relationship hasn't had any major problems.

Best of luck to everyone out there!

[NorthernGirl]

Welcome Bizzy.   Hi!  Nice to have you join our group.  If all is going well with your relationship, you can probably offer up some tips to a few of us who struggle once in awhile.     Sorry to hear about your court nightmares.  We haven't had to do that part -- able to get uBPD biomom to agree to 50/50 and other changes through document filed with the court.  She signed them because she didn't want to go to court.

Glad to hear that you have been there for the kids and that they are doing well.  Hope you can chime in on any topic of interest as we can always use another voice.

[DreamGirl]

If all is going well with your relationship, you can probably offer up some tips to a few of us who struggle once in awhile. 

Hear, hear to that. 

[Bizzy]

  If all is going well with your relationship, you can probably offer up some tips to a few of us who struggle once in awhile.   

To be honest, sometimes I think we haven't had any real problems because we haven't had time!  We're exhausted.

[allhelpwelcome]

 I feel like a foreigner in my home when the girls are there  

KHat -- I want in some small way to respond to this in particular. It resonated alot with me.    For me, moving into his home and being too slow about settling in and also pining for my home of 10 years made it all worse.  But now that I'm well settled, I can say that this feeling is still really easily activated when the SSs are around.  And of course it's not about place -- it has everything to do with interactions, body language, tone, and those rolling eyes we get!  The stepmom literature often sites the stat: 93% of what gets communicated is the non-verbal of any interaction... .I have had to really keep this in mind when I'm feeling a stranger in a strange land especially.  The worse thing for me at least, would be to react to the SSs from the place of a feeling a stranger since it is fundamentally a place of insecurity and fear. The below work pretty well.  I still have work on not getting angry with the husband (I keep in under wraps) but it's still misguided.

So, I have a few strategies:

1. I have a couple of "go to" places in the house (dinner has never actually been ruined when I took a couple minutes to step away!) -- the back garden, a particular chair, a picture in our bedroom, even the bathroom... .I tell myself "I can take a few minutes to be quietly with me... ." and I do; often it's enough to prevent an unhelpful reaction to the kids and, even better, settles me a tad.

2. My husband and I touch (feet under the table, a hand on a shoulder in passing, a lean against his back) -- he's brilliant in getting how much this can ease me (and truth be told, when the SS10 is in oppositional mode, I think husband likes it too).

3. I usually try first and frequently to engage my empathy better for the SSs (you are soo empathic so maybe not an issue for you)... .I remind myself that their possessions and relationships have all been "tampered" with by a sometimes-ugly and often-loved and always-desired mom.  I reflect on my own dislocations as a wee one and how much "home" meant when I finally got it.

4. Finally, I will actively quell the denigrating voice (resonate of each of my parents- - mom more) which endorses my "strangeness"... .that's simply not helpful.  I I find it's surprsingly easy (I'm a pretty strong person) to go into a "reversion" mode, or regress, to that feeling of insecurity.  So, being alert to it takes the element of surprise away.  Then, frankly gratitude is my antidote.  I am lucky to be loved by this man, lucky to be given someone elses children to love -- even in moments or EOW (!), lucky for the hope that I can rise to this occasion etc... .don't know if that will work for you.  Chocolate also helps a great deal.   

[DreamGirl]

So, I have a few strategies:

1. I have a couple of "go to" places in the house (dinner has never actually been ruined when I took a couple minutes to step away!) -- the back garden, a particular chair, a picture in our bedroom, even the bathroom... .I tell myself "I can take a few minutes to be quietly with me... ." and I do; often it's enough to prevent an unhelpful reaction to the kids and, even better, settles me a tad.

2. My husband and I touch (feet under the table, a hand on a shoulder in passing, a lean against his back) -- he's brilliant in getting how much this can ease me (and truth be told, when the SS10 is in oppositional mode, I think husband likes it too).

3. I usually try first and frequently to engage my empathy better for the SSs (you are soo empathic so maybe not an issue for you)... .I remind myself that their possessions and relationships have all been "tampered" with by a sometimes-ugly and often-loved and always-desired mom.  I reflect on my own dislocations as a wee one and how much "home" meant when I finally got it.

4. Finally, I will actively quell the denigrating voice (resonate of each of my parents- - mom more) which endorses my "strangeness"... .that's simply not helpful.  I I find it's surprsingly easy (I'm a pretty strong person) to go into a "reversion" mode, or regress, to that feeling of insecurity.  So, being alert to it takes the element of surprise away.  Then, frankly gratitude is my antidote.  I am lucky to be loved by this man, lucky to be given someone elses children to love -- even in moments or EOW (!), lucky for the hope that I can rise to this occasion etc... .don't know if that will work for you.  Chocolate also helps a great deal.   

I love this!

[KHat]

 I feel like a foreigner in my home when the girls are there  

KHat -- I want in some small way to respond to this in particular. It resonated alot with me.    For me, moving into his home and being too slow about settling in and also pining for my home of 10 years made it all worse.  But now that I'm well settled, I can say that this feeling is still really easily activated when the SSs are around.  And of course it's not about place -- it has everything to do with interactions, body language, tone, and those rolling eyes we get!  The stepmom literature often sites the stat: 93% of what gets communicated is the non-verbal of any interaction... .I have had to really keep this in mind when I'm feeling a stranger in a strange land especially.  The worse thing for me at least, would be to react to the SSs from the place of a feeling a stranger since it is fundamentally a place of insecurity and fear. The below work pretty well.  I still have work on not getting angry with the husband (I keep in under wraps) but it's still misguided.

So, I have a few strategies:

1. I have a couple of "go to" places in the house (dinner has never actually been ruined when I took a couple minutes to step away!) -- the back garden, a particular chair, a picture in our bedroom, even the bathroom... .I tell myself "I can take a few minutes to be quietly with me... ." and I do; often it's enough to prevent an unhelpful reaction to the kids and, even better, settles me a tad.

2. My husband and I touch (feet under the table, a hand on a shoulder in passing, a lean against his back) -- he's brilliant in getting how much this can ease me (and truth be told, when the SS10 is in oppositional mode, I think husband likes it too).

3. I usually try first and frequently to engage my empathy better for the SSs (you are soo empathic so maybe not an issue for you)... .I remind myself that their possessions and relationships have all been "tampered" with by a sometimes-ugly and often-loved and always-desired mom.  I reflect on my own dislocations as a wee one and how much "home" meant when I finally got it.

4. Finally, I will actively quell the denigrating voice (resonate of each of my parents- - mom more) which endorses my "strangeness"... .that's simply not helpful.  I I find it's surprsingly easy (I'm a pretty strong person) to go into a "reversion" mode, or regress, to that feeling of insecurity.  So, being alert to it takes the element of surprise away.  Then, frankly gratitude is my antidote.  I am lucky to be loved by this man, lucky to be given someone elses children to love -- even in moments or EOW (!), lucky for the hope that I can rise to this occasion etc... .don't know if that will work for you.  Chocolate also helps a great deal.   

THANK YOU, allhelpwelcome.  So much of what you delineate in your strategy is what I need to do, step by step when it happens.  I am only empathetic after the moment passes; while IN it, I feel as if one of my own peers is rejecting or judging or challenging me.  And I also regress to what my mother's voice is saying; I'm working on strategies for arguing it but haven't quite gotten there yet.

I have to say that one of my perceptions and complaints is that BF is NOT as physically affectionate when the kids are here.  He doesn't see it, but he just doesn't touch, hug or kiss me as much when they're around.  Part of it is that it's THEM he's hugging and cuddling with, and I think part of that is that he subconsciously doesn't want to upset them.  Either way, it has the effect of making me feel triply rejected, especially by the person I trust most.  He's aware of how I feel, and although he disputes it, I think he's trying to make an effort to do better.  But I have to say that even if the kids were friendly and open and engaging, I don't like the shift that happens between us, how we go from being a couple to being a pair of adults focused on and engaged with them.

One of the lessons I took from my upbringing is that if I am in a bad mood - sad, angry, petulant, pessimistic, anxious - people do not want to be around me.  I do close myself up in a little cocoon and expect others to avoid me if I don't make a good attempt at hiding it.  It is a novel idea that my anxiety or tension could actually BRING closeness rather than repel it.  I wonder if that would work for us.

Thanks again - it's helpful to know that someone else is experiencing this also.

[serenitygone]

I'm not a norm secondary non... .

but I AM raising the kids.  My BPD/bipd/EDd has sole custody and lives here.

We are parenting the kids 2 & 4... .have poa for medical & school.

It's a BEAR to try to explain this to the kids.  It's a BEAR to deal wiht the irresponsiblity, the raging, the fallout.

So again... .not sure I'm a true SN but can relate to all of it.

[DreamGirl]

I'm not a norm secondary non... .

but I AM raising the kids.  My BPD/bipd/EDd has sole custody and lives here.

We are parenting the kids 2 & 4... .have poa for medical & school.

It's a BEAR to try to explain this to the kids.  It's a BEAR to deal wiht the irresponsiblity, the raging, the fallout.

So again... .not sure I'm a true SN but can relate to all of it.

I'm not all about the labels.

Anyone is welcome to chime in when something resonates. I'm not sure even the true definition of a Secondary Non. Our lives aren't really defined as to how we are in relation to the pwBPD in our lives - I think we all are managing just the same in the different roles we have. (Bio-parent, Grandma, Stepmom, Aunt)

I do think it is particularily hard for those of us who have limits (whether it be legally or not) in parenting the kids. As a mom to a daughter who is suffering from BPD, I can only imagine the tightrope that must entail. 

What do you do to help keep you grounded?

[serenitygone]

Now that's a great question.

Some days... .grounding is hard.  Some days super grounded.

I look at myself as Mommy#2.  The kids know who to go to when they NEED something.  Me.

I hate days where it's time for the ME show.  Today was one of them.  Mom's Tea at preschool.

She waltzes in like the Queen... .I'm the subserviant.  She gets the glam, I get the poop.

Having grown up similarly, I KNOW who they will think is the real parent. 

That's how I stay grounded.  I'm just sad that history is REpeating itself with one more generation.

It's a good thing I'm not sentimental... .cuz I'm the booboo kisser, just don't get the cool handmade cards.

Their hugs and kisses and LOVE goes wayyyy far in keeping my feet on the ground.

[DreamGirl]

It's a good thing I'm not sentimental... .cuz I'm the booboo kisser, just don't get the cool handmade cards.

I've quoted this one before - for all the Invisible Mothers.

The Invisible Mother

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone (or even on the toilet) and ask to be taken somewhere.

Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm busy?'

Obviously, not.

No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.  I'm invisible.  The invisible Mom.  Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more:  Can you fix this?  Can you tie this?  Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being.  I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?'  I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?'  I'm a taxi to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'  I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again.  She's going; she's going; she is gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. My friend had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well.  It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when my friend turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.'

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe.

I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:  "... .with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book.  And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work. No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.

They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.

   

The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam.  He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof?  No one will ever see it.'  And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.

It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, ' I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.  No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over.  You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction.   But it is not a disease that is erasing my life.  It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness.  It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder.  As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My mom gets up at 4:00 in the morning and bakes homemade pies.  Then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.'  That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself.  I just want him to want to come home.  And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right.

And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women. We never know what our finished products will turn out to be because of our perseverance.

[KHat]

Now that's a great question.

Some days... .grounding is hard.  Some days super grounded.

I look at myself as Mommy#2.  The kids know who to go to when they NEED something.  Me.

I hate days where it's time for the ME show.  Today was one of them.  Mom's Tea at preschool.

She waltzes in like the Queen... .I'm the subserviant.  She gets the glam, I get the poop.

Having grown up similarly, I KNOW who they will think is the real parent. 

That's how I stay grounded.  I'm just sad that history is REpeating itself with one more generation.

It's a good thing I'm not sentimental... .cuz I'm the booboo kisser, just don't get the cool handmade cards.

Their hugs and kisses and LOVE goes wayyyy far in keeping my feet on the ground.

{{{{{serenitygone}}}}}   

I feel for you and want to wish you and everyone here a happy mother's day, even if it's a day late.

I have been feeling so nauseous about this holiday because 1) my own mother is now gone, and I'm still having trouble dealing with the anger I feel at the fleas she left me with, 2) I had to beg my child to just call me yesterday; Mother's Day is one of those holidays that falls by the wayside in a divorce because the ex is the one who has to help the child make the effort and fund the acknowledgement, and when he thinks I'm not a real mother because I gave him the custody he wanted, the attention gets completely focused on the stepmother, and 3) my boyfriends' kids don't want to even put me on the same level as their mother let alone have a day where they have to acknowledge me.

I felt invisible ... .and not only that, but not worthy of visibility.  I felt like if my son didn't call me (he finally did at around 8:20 even though his dad normally confiscates all kids' cell phones at 8 PM on school nights) then it meant I did not deserve it.

I struggled with tears throughout the day but for an hour before I finally dropped off to sleep had to repeat to myself over and over again, "I'm good enough."  And I felt horrible for being so self-centered when my boyfriend was also experiencing his first mother's day without his mother.

I think it's time for me to talk to a professional.

[DreamGirl]

I felt invisible ... .and not only that, but not worthy of visibility.  I felt like if my son didn't call me (he finally did at around 8:20 even though his dad normally confiscates all kids' cell phones at 8 PM on school nights) then it meant I did not deserve it.

I struggled with tears throughout the day but for an hour before I finally dropped off to sleep had to repeat to myself over and over again, "I'm good enough."  And I felt horrible for being so self-centered when my boyfriend was also experiencing his first mother's day without his mother.

I think it's time for me to talk to a professional.

Oh, Khat.  x

What others people believe (and say) and what you believe (and think) aren't always going to coincide. I know it's really difficult not to stand in the shadows of someone else's judgement while trying to convince yourself otherwise. Like in Julia Robert's infamous roll in Pretty Woman when she talks about what people say about us - "the bad stuff is easier to believe."  

I also know what it's like to feel the need to remind myself that I don't suck. Or want to tell others that there is no need to be make me feel bad, I do that very well all on my own.

KHat, I often feel like a terrible mother. I'm high strung, short tempered, controlling, disorganized and always late.  My patience is something to be desired so I think it's OK that I opted for velcro when they were young and let their teachers teach them to tie their shoes instead.  I also take great comfort when I see a mom with disheveled hair express to her own 14yo - in the middle of Walmart - that she needs silence, immediately with a "Shutup already"... .reminds me that nobody is perfect in this. Nobody.

So, from the bottom of my heart - I think you are good enough too.

Glad you're going to talk to someone, Khat. It did me a world of good.

~DG

[ennie]

I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:  "... .with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

Today was a hard day.  I read this and just cried.  I went to a meeting with DH at school about SD11 and her learning disabilities, and was told all about her amazing negotiating skill.  That is probably my main contribution to this family.  When the kids freak out BPD style, I say something like, "If you can try asking in a nice way, and negotiating, it is much more likely that you will get what you want."  I say, "Right now, you get to decide if you want me to hear about how bad your sister is or if you want me to help you get what you want from her."  I have lead the kids through countless negotiations... ." I hear that you are really angry right now.  Maybe you can tell your sister you are angry, then ask her if she is willing to hear your request."  Giving feedback on their attempts without judging or needing a specific outcome, just helping them at basic communication and negotiation skills when they want to just do like mom does and blame and complain and cry.  Crying is okay, too.  I just offer to hold them, let them have some crying time.  Dad does lots of great and loving things, and he also just listens much better than I do.  But I am the one who helps them find their real voices, and it is showing in their worlds. 

Last week, SD7  (who NEVER says she hates me or anyone else, who truly loves me) was fighting in her room with SD11.  DH went to their room and asked what was going on, and SD11 reported SD7 was saying she hates me, and SD11 was telling her not to say that.  SD7 was saying, "I did not say that!" and SD 11 was saying, ":)on't make it look like I am lying!"  I went upstairs and DH and I both explained how important it is to be honest.  SD7 admitted she was saying that, and burst into tears.  "But I don't hate you!" 

I took her hand and sat down with her.  I said, "Sometimes when people say they hate someone, what they really mean is that they are really angry at someone.  I am wondering if you are angry at me because I told you to clean your room."  She thought about it, and replied, "I am not really angry at you.  Just sometimes when someone tells me to do something I feel REALLY angry.  It is not really at you."  I say, "There is another word: frustrated.  Which means that you want to do something, and something gets in your way.  So you are angry you cannot do what you want."  She said, "I felt frustrated and angry that you told me to clean my room."  I said, "Was it that I wanted you to clean, or HOW I said it?" She things a little, says, "Both.  I felt angry that you wanted me to clean up, and that you sounded mad when you said it." 

I say, "It is completely okay for you to feel angry, and when you tell me this way, it is so easy for me to hear you. "  Some eye contact and silence. 

"The room still needs to get cleaned, and I really do not want to do it.  What ideas do you have about how the room will get cleaned?"  She came up with paying her sister to do it (she had $20 b-day money), me doing it, and some other ideas.  We agreed to one of those options, and then SD11 said she wanted to clean her part, but she did not want to clean SD7's part.  WE worked it out for SD7 to pay me to clean her room. 

I really see the girls learning how to do the magic of working with others in a way their mom just will never master.  There are so many pains that can be eased by listening, saying your true feelings rather than putting them on others, and then asking for what we want.  I am learning that this is a set of important skills just by teaching them, when I have taken them so for granted.  On the one hand, this is such a humble task.  I am a step mom and they most likely will never credit me with this thing they have learned.  But it is also what will allow them to change the world.

[DreamGirl]

I am a step mom and they most likely will never credit me with this thing they have learned.  But it is also what will allow them to change the world.

Yes indeed.

I'm reading a book - that talks about how when we welcome someone in our life, we all start to become enraveled in each other.  Like a great fabric.  My stories and quirks are picked up by someone else who may just carry a thought with them... .not even knowing it, I become a part of them and them a part of me.

The same way I often recall a story you told me about a kayaking trip and the irrational (and unfamiliar) fear you were experiencing - and the inner dialogue going on (you'd done it before and certainly were more then capable) to quelch the negative thoughts.  Your most comforting tale reminding me to have a little more faith in myself. That little lesson has become a part of who I am - coming from a little part of you... .

You've certainly become a part of those beautiful little girls, ennie... .and they are forever the better for it.     

[BonusMom]

Thank you for creating this new board!

I've lived with my BF for over a year, have been together almost 2 years. We have SD8 & SD6 50% of the time. We have the normal issues that a stepfamily faces (SD's loyalty binds to their mom, jealousy toward me from SD8, etc.) -- AND his uBPDx! She triangulates her BF with each of us, disrespects boundaries, blame-shifts constantly, tries to control our time with and without the girls, and recently has her girls acting out her feelings and craziness toward us, just to name a few of the issues. 

I had a uBPDm and a uBPDxbf and have learned lots from this board over the last few years but wanted to introduce myself here since this is where I spend my time on these boards nowadays.

[sanemom]

How cool!  A new board... .I have been a little gun shy about posting because BPD mom has been looking for me and publishing things on the internet, but I will venture out some since my name is not attached here.

I am a secondary non--my DH had three kids when we married, and I had two, and then we had one "ours" kiddo.  While I think that BPD mom was always alienating some beneath the surface, when DH let her know about the "ours" baby, her alienation tactics came out full force.  We were in court for 6 years, and my husband has pretty much lost the oldest to alienation for now, and his other son in college is really struggling (just got hospitalized due to panic attacks and suicidal ideation, and I know it is because of all the trauma of the PA he has endured this last year).  It upsets me because I feel that the court system could have protected the kids, and it failed miserably.  His son does not deserve this pain (none of the kids do), and he really does not understand fully what is causing it, I am sure (he just calls it "last year's drama).

Because of the severe alienation, my husband has sole custody of the youngest (in high school), and BPDmom only has supervised visits (which she hasn't set up yet).  But it took losing two kids to alienation for the court to do something to protect the kids.

[livednlearned]

New board!

My story, I got the double whammy.

*was married 10 years to a man with BPD/NPD, bipolar, substance abuse. One child: S15
*relationship ended 6 years ago
*ended up with full custody following a high-conflict 4-year custody battle.

Meanwhile:

*met SO 4 years ago, started dating 3.5 years ago
*SO has a BPD x wife and 3 kids (D22, D19, S17).
*100 percent certain that D19 is BPD.

D19 is more like a quiet borderline, which in many ways is harder than the outward raging aggressive stuff I experienced with my ex. The thing is, I learned how to hold a boundary with my ex. And I can hold boundaries with D19. But SO does not, and that affects me.  

The eggshells, the distortions, the passive aggression, the bad boundaries, the neediness and clinging, the disassociating. D19 is back at school, but she'll be here for the holidays in a few months. I was so panicky about her returning that I impulsively booked flights so S15 and I will be away visiting friends.  

There is a chance D19 will be here again next year to work her summer job, and I'm frantically plotting an exit plan, stay with a close friend who lives in another state. My job is one I can do remotely.

I know it's wrong to scamper and hide like this. I'm also really, really sad and not sure what taking care of myself looks like with this kind of relationship.

SO and I went to see my T and did a bit of an intervention that helped us. And SO is working hard to hold forth on boundaries that are important to me. But it's been a constant struggle, and I feel like there is this middle way where I take on only as much as I can take on.

The impact of BPD mom on me is mostly flare-ups that I can work through. It's D19 that has me in knots.

[PinkieV]

I'm not around too much anymore, as our situation is very stable (knock on all available pieces of wood, including my own hard head!).

I'm married almost three years to my DH, father of S20 and S16. uBPDew spent a year in jail so DH had emergency custody, and then won permanent custody of S16 (who was 14 at the time). uBPDew lives two states away, and S20 is nc. S16 would like to be, but it learning how to minimize contact with her. He is counting the possible visitations until he is 18, and has really opened up this past summer about his younger life and how he really feels about his mom.

I am widowed with S26 and D20. I found this site when we were in the thick of the court battle, and can't thank everyone here enough for keeping me sane.

 

[Thunderstruck]

I am a stepmom to my SD11. DH was never married to uBPDbm but lived with her for a long time. We met shortly after he moved out (probably bad timing, but oh well) so I got the full force of uBPDbm's abandonment rages. It could have split DH and I up, but it ended up giving us a strong bond.

We have been in this custody dispute for just about four years now. We currently have 50/50 but are pursuing primary (pending the results of a neverending CE, now going on 2+ years we've been waiting on it). We have been through multiple false CPS claims (drugs, sexual abuse, medical neglect), false TRO charges (kidnapping), and just any nastiness that uBPDbm can throw our way. Poor SD11 has been in the middle of this for four years now. We're hoping for some relief soon!

DH and I dated and were engaged for two years before marrying. We've been married two years. DH and I have a one year old son and another on the way. 

[catclaw]

Oh wow, congratulations Thunderstruck 

I can't imagine to have children of my own as the familiar situation is just too much for me the way it already is. But I'm young, i still have time to change my mind :D

I met DH 6 years ago and we're married for 3. I have a Ss9 who lives with the husband and me since 2014. Before he came to live with us, BPDm moved from town to town with him constantly and illegitimately put him in foster care. Illegitimately because they share custody and she didn't inform dh. He got notice when the process was through. Until then he was ordered to an empty flat by BPDm EOW. When he informed the police, he was informed that his son was already in foster care for 2 months.

Ss has special needs (no disabilities but his development is 2 years behind due to not being taught stuff at given times). I work in the field (mental health care), so we're in a good network of support.


Right now, things are getting nasty again, as BPDm forbade ss from therapy without having to name a reason (because if the shared custody). We're at it.

[GaGrl]

My situation is a bit different -- my DH and I reconnected (knew each other as teens) in our 50s, and our children are all adults in their 30s.  We have two grandchildren.

One would think that at this stage in our lives, DH's uNPD/BPD ex would not be disruptive.  However, we continue to deal with fall-out with the adult children and the 15 year old granddaughter, and that fall-out definitely derives from the Ex and her continued behaviors.  I am especially concerned about DH's daughter, who admits she has tried to resolve her relationship with her mother by marrying men who were the male versions of her mom (the second of which is falling apart as we speak).  I'm also concerned about influence on the 15 year old.

I have really worked on Radical Acceptance, and I feel more compassion for her than I used to feel -- certainly I went through a period of anger.  I still slip when the Ex does something especially hurtful or callous, or is intrusive to our marriage (yes, that still happens). It's not something that I need to attend to every day of our lives together, but it's still a factor.

[Panda39]

My SO and I have been together for 6 years but do not live together.  We live 20 miles apart right now and have stayed separate because of our kids.  My S23 still lives with me goes to college (near our home) part time and works part time, not quite ready to get out on his own yet but getting closer    My job also plays a factor in where I live.  My SO has a D20 also attending college (that's located between my home and his) who still lives at home and a D16 who is still in High School.  D16 has been diagnosed with PTSD has a really good support system where she is so we don't want to uproot her.  So here we are living 2 lives... .one together... .and one separate.

We met on-line, I had been divorced a year and he had been separated only a few months.  We hit it off like gangbusters!  He actually told me about his uBPDxw (we didn't know what BPD was back then) on our first date but I didn't really get it until we had been together awhile.

When we met his ex had primary custody of their daughters he was an EOW dad plus Wednesday night dinners.  This was very conducive to our fledgling relationship so back then we got a lot of time alone together and got to know each other better. He was fighting for 50/50 custody. 

The ex was alternately neglectful and indulgent with their daughters.  She'd take them shopping for all kinds of frivolous things they didn't need but couldn't get the younger daughter to the dentist for a tooth ache for example... .SO finally got her there.  She used their daughters as spies and weapons... .She brought false allegations against my SO for throwing a phone into the couch then didn't even bother to show up to court (she was out with her daughter getting a mani/pedi  ) The court found no abuse.  The girls went through everything at their dads house and even reported the contents of his freezer back to their mother.  There was parental alienation too. 

I walked into this at first not understanding it at all, then with each attack on my SO I got angrier and angrier.  Who was I angry at?  The uBPDxw for all the lies, drama, and manipulation, his daughters for turning on their dad, and my SO who I was beginning to think had no backbone (the FOG was thick back then).

Although his daughters knew of my existence we didn't meet until their dad and I had been together a year.  Those first meetings did not go well for me.  Those girls were mean and it hurt!  (We found out later that their mom told them that their dad had been having an affair with me for sometime before they separated)

In the meantime he and I had become a team against the "Evil Ex" fighting for his rights as a father and for the hearts and minds of his kids.  We discovered we made a good team but there was a lot of drama... .a lot of winning and losing... .for him sadness around his relationship with his daughters... .and for me fuming anger.  None of these things were good.

One day I googled "Chronic Lying" and discovered BPD and boy did the shoe fit  I began reading everything I could and eventually found my way here.  By then the divorce was final but I still carried lots of anger.  I arrived here struggling to have a relationship with my SO's daughters... .wanting a relationship... .but not wanting a relationship.  I didn't trust them, after all they had been a part of in hurting their father.  I knew they were puppets and children but they were messing with the man I loved!  Back then everything they did was tied to their mother (enmeshment) and it seemed like they just brought their mother (metaphorically) with them everywhere. 

These days I don't try as hard with his daughters I pretty much just do what I want to do in terms of my relationship with them.  I don't want to be their mother, but I do hope to be a positive presence. My philosophy has always been do no harm (I have not always been successful) when it comes to his kids they've had enough stuff happen in their lives.  Sometimes that means I stay in my neck of the woods. 

These days what I struggle with is his daughters desperate attention seeking (both are LC with their mom - so I get it).  There is an undercurrent of competition for my attention or to side with one daughter or the other or team up with them to gang up on dad.  I try to stay out of that triangle. Their neediness is very emotionally draining for me.  It's hard there is a lot of insecurity (mine included) around having a balanced relationship with both girls, particularly because I have a natural affinity with one that I don't have with the other. I am a parent of an only child so sibling rivalry isn't something I have a lot of experience with and I have a son so daughters are a whole new ball of wax too.

We are a work in progress.
Panda39

[soundofmusicgirl]

I just joined this forum. However I am not new to the BPD topic. 5 yrs ago I married a wonderful man. His only remarks about his former spouse were: she was very complicated, difficult and never allowed him to do anything he wanted and constangly negated his feelings and wishes in everything.
Back then we had no idea. After 1.5 yrs battle in court for him to get shared custody and frequent attacks on him and me we finally talked to a therapist who happened to have done a fellowship in our town with the leading professor on DBT. He pointed out to us that my husbands Ex may have BPD and recommended to us reading "Understanding the Borderline mother". That openend our eyes and we have since been very involved in learning more and ecducating ourselves. It does of course not change the BPDs behavior.

I am a stepmother to 2 10yr old twin boys. One of them diagnosed with ADHD and mildly being on the ASD spectrum. The other (the golden child) was recently diagnosed with disruptive mood dysregulation disorder.
We do not have children together which makes my heart hurt all the more for these two innocent little boys who are trapped in a world of anxiewty and fear.

We recently moved overseas (to the country the boys were born in).
Our constant "battles" are: being able to skype with the boys (court order says my husband gets 2 30min skype calls per week... .BPDxw always finds ways to interfere and interrupt), visitation (a visitation schedule is set up in court but BPDxw tries continually to find ways to not send the children to us), and staying informed about what happens in the boys life (BPDxw witholds all information and has instructed the boys to not share information about their life with us).

[Nope]

DH and I went on vacation for a week and now that I'm back I see we have a new board of our very own! 

When I first met DH the kids lived several states away and he only had them every other major holiday, a few weeks during the summer, and one weekend a month in the state they lived in if he could afford to make the trip. The only thing he told me was that his exW was blocking a large majority of his communication with his kids but that he was taking her to court for contempt and would eventually try to get more of the summer with them and possibly custody if he could get it. That was more than four years ago.

I've been a full time SM to SD13 and SS12 for the past two years after a lengthy and nasty court battle. The kid's uBPDm was on dating web sites a week after losing custody and about a month and a half later she hooked up with her current bf. She is very engrossed in her life with him. Things would be great except the court order makes DH responsible for specific phone contact with the teenage children. She refuses to be at all flexible even when the children's schedules require it. So it's back to court we go early next year. The good news is that this last tweek of the order should be something we can live with for the next six years and BPDm is not likely to ever want to take us to court since it requires travel to our state now.

The small amount of visitation she gets is primarily spent grilling SD and complaining about how unfairly she is treated by everyone. As the kids continue to get older and spend so little time under their BM's influence it is slowly becoming easier to disengage and let them learn who their mom is and how to navigate their relationships with her.

DH and I are seriously considering having an "ours" baby now that things are more settled. I don't know what the future holds for us in that department. But it's nice to be happy and have good things to look forward to. For a long time it didn't seem like things were going to go that way.