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Author Topic: ending it all  (Read 10306 times)
united for now
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« on: November 19, 2009, 09:42:12 AM »

I hope by now that all of you have worked your way through the 5 lessons.

lesson 1:understanding your partner's behavior

lesson 2: understanding your role in the relationship

lesson 3: tools for communication, validation, and reinforcement of good behavior

lesson 4: Surviving confrontation and disrespect - don't take it personally, breaking the cycle of conflict, taking time outs

lesson 5: Finding inner strength and hope

Change isn't easy. The way you feel about your partner  (radical acceptance) - the way you listen to them (empathetic listening) - how you communicate (emotional validation) - and finally, how you respond to them (boundaries and time outs) - all of it needs to change for things to get better.

Our emotional responses are always up to us. We do have choices. We aren't puppets on a string. We can learn to stop following and participating in the dysfunctional dance our partners are trying to lead us on. We can choose to start a new dance, and stick with it, hoping our partners will soon follow us.

It is easy to get stuck at different points along the way. To feel boxed in and trapped. To fear change so much that it just seems easier to stay and take the abuse.

Where do you think you are stuck at?

* radical acceptance

* empathetic listening

* emotional validation

* boundaries and time outs

What is keeping you stuck?

What is the hardest or scariest change for you to consider?

:)o you believe you are strong enough to change?
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Change your perceptions and you change your life.  Nothing changes without changes
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Auspicious
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« Reply #1 on: November 19, 2009, 09:49:44 AM »

I think I feel stuck because my wife is just "changing" enough to "keep" me stuck.

It would be "easy" (at this point, where I am now) to know what to do if she ran off again, or if she cheated or did something horrible, etc.

It would also be easy to cheerfully buck up and look forward to the bright future if she plunged into self-awareness, trying wholeheartedly to positively change herself, etc.

Instead, she's reluctantly started DBT - not so reluctantly that I can just dismiss it as a sham, no. Just enough for me to feel wary and stuck. You know? Same with some other indicators.

If I were "controlling", I think I'd have to conclude "auspicious, keep raising the bar; that's the exact height she rises to." But since I'm not?


BTW, I did make many positive changes in myself ... validation, boundaries, DEARMAN have all made a world of difference. But there still needs to be change from her.
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Have you read the Lessons?
DragoN
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« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2009, 09:51:34 AM »

Kind of stuck...at wanting to be validated too sometimes by my h.

*sigh*

It really does suck rocks at times.

*sigh*

...and to be fair to my H...I farked it up all on me lonesome...so not like he really would come round to seeing my POV...*sigh*

I stepped in it. My own darn fault...I apologized...and I meant it...he backed down...but a wittle itty bit of validation...would have been REaLLy *nice*.

Excerpt
If I were "controlling", I think I'd have to conclude "auspicious, keep raising the bar; that's the exact height she rises to." But since I'm not?

erhhhm...How about just for the heck of it? Might pleasantly surprise the both of you.
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Auspicious
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« Reply #3 on: November 19, 2009, 09:54:18 AM »

Excerpt
If I were "controlling", I think I'd have to conclude "auspicious, keep raising the bar; that's the exact height she rises to." But since I'm not?

erhhhm...How about just for the heck of it? Might pleasantly surprise the both of you.

It took the "threat" - actually, just the shared reality - of separation being the only alternative I could see, for her to start DBT. She has pointed out since that I "can't just threaten that every time we disagree". I guess I can - but what a way to live
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Auspicious
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« Reply #4 on: November 19, 2009, 09:56:55 AM »

Kind of stuck...at wanting to be validated too sometimes by my h.

*sigh*

It really does suck rocks at times.

*sigh*

Don't blame you   ... if that is something that you need from your marriage - and if you won't be getting it - then there are some decisions to make?
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DragoN
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« Reply #5 on: November 19, 2009, 10:00:35 AM »

Excerpt
She has pointed out since that I "can't just threaten that every time we disagree".

Fair enough...I see your point. However it's not a 'simple disagreement' type of thing by any stretch of the imagination. mind you...you are dealing with disordered thinking..

Kind of a...check mate.

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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #6 on: November 19, 2009, 10:19:54 AM »

To fear change so much that it just seems easier to stay and take the abuse.

Hi UFN, No, I don't fear change and don't want to take any more abuse!  I am choosing a new dance, as you suggest, which I refer to as my "path."  I've decided to follow my own path with the tools learned here and, to the extent my spouse's path overlaps with mine, that's a good thing for us and our children.  To the extent that our paths diverge, that's OK, too, as I won't go down certain roads with her again and have my own path to follow.

At least that's how I see it at the moment.  Thanks to all, Uke


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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
dea0328
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« Reply #7 on: November 19, 2009, 10:38:25 AM »

I'm stuck in two areas. Radical acceptance. Sometimes I still have expectations of what I want in a marriage that just aren't going to be. It's kinda hard to let go of some of those expectations and just accept the marriage for what it is. I need to realize there are certain things he is just not capable of. The second thing I'm stuck/struggling with is validation. I have resentment...big time. And in times when maybe validating would've helped...I just don't have it in me and I fear if I make an attempt at it...it's going to be fake & phony. Or I get defensive because of the resentment. So, I'm stuck there. What's worse is that because I have this deadline of February to decide to leave or stay...maybe I'm not putting in the effort that I would otherwise.
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DragoN
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« Reply #8 on: November 19, 2009, 09:06:16 PM »

Excerpt
then there are some decisions to make?

Yes...also owning that some of my choices have been a little hair brained at the time as well.

Yesterday's snortle fest was my own creation.  my-issuesMy own insecurities rose up and bit me in the arse.

Still find myself tripping over Radical acceptance. Intellectually, I 'get it', doesn't mean I necessarily "own" it...if that makes sense. Or, some days I DO and some days I Don't. So that's on me.
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peacebaby
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« Reply #9 on: November 19, 2009, 09:31:19 PM »

Excerpt
I hope by now that all of you have worked your way through the 5 lessons.

I must say that I have not done so. I only recently checked them out to see what it was that newbies were being told to read, but I believe I already have them down.

Excerpt
Where do you think you are stuck at?

* radical acceptance

* empathetic listening

* emotional validation

* boundaries and time outs

Both my partner and I do all of these things most of the time. Sometimes we forget, but with both of us actively using these same skills with each other, one of us usually remembers within a few minutes of the beginning of an incident and will bring up the idea of using the skill or use it. It's kind of amazing, really.

It's harder to always remember to use them when I'm not around my SO, usually I remember after a situation that I should have validated, or clarified that's what I needed, or radically accepted my life when I was feeling bad about it, or had better boundaries at work. But I'm working on it.

Excerpt
What is the hardest or scariest change for you to consider?

I think the hardest part for me was the fear of giving up my anger and my defenses, being more emotionally honest with someone I was really angry at and hurt by. I was afraid that by giving up my anger and my righteous desire to "hurt her back" I was giving up more power. But that's not what I was giving up--I was giving up my resentment, and allowing us both more happiness.

Peacebaby


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united for now
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« Reply #10 on: November 20, 2009, 03:37:13 PM »

That sounds so great Peacebaby  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #11 on: November 20, 2009, 03:46:43 PM »

Thanks, UFN. And just to clarify, things are far from perfect all the time--we both still get dysregulated regularly and can be btchy or whatever. Just most of the time we do remember to use the skills and treat each other with love or back off when we can't.

Peacebaby
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