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Author Topic: She reaches out to me after 4 months of NC and she's hurting...  (Read 451 times)
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« on: December 09, 2015, 03:37:24 PM »

I need to share this with you all as you have helped me greatly since I discovered my new family here some months ago and I need your guidance, advice and strength as I had been doing really well with the NC over 4 months.

My ex-reached out to me yesterday via email. I had blocked her on all electronic avenues to reach me but cannot do that with my work email. She had said she had tried to contact me via text the night before and it came back as being not delivered.

So first thing yesterday morning the emails started. When I did not answer them immediately she then used an alternate email address to try and reach me on my private email. Signs of desperately trying to contact me huh?

So I did respond, eventually, but was very "grey rock" as far as my responses to her questions.

She then send out the "I miss you" email. I did not respond to that one at all, so she immediately asked me why I didn't answer that one. She then said to please continue the email conversation with her at her home email address as she was leaving work for the day. After a couple of exchanges she pleaded with me to unblock her so she could text me.

So, the outpouring of emotions started to happen. Reading between the lines, she is miserable. This is the first Xmas in 5 years that we will not be together and she is struggling with that. We would normally be preparing to go overseas skiing in January on our annual holiday in the snow but this year she has got nothing planned. She can't afford it and I think the penny has finally dropped about the quality of life she is and will have with my replacement, especially when I took great delight in telling her I was still heading overseas skiing next month. I think that bit hurt.

She is broke and appears to still be living at her mothers place even though she is engaged to my replacement.

Then the negative comments started to come out about the replacement... .no money... .not interested in doing the things that she likes... .no real plans to do anything... .too many sporting injuries to take a risk on doing any kind of physical activity like skiing... .doesn't have enough money to go on a holiday or anywhere else... .no motivation... .living a very bland existence with nothing to look forward to... .

I am sure you guys get the drill here.

So is this a recycle attempt in the initial stages? I am starting to think from reading between the lines that she has started the devaluation process with my replacement and its being driven by her narcissistic tendencies to surround herself with wealth even if she has none herself. As far as I am concerned, I am starting to be less black than before but not quite white yet, but she may be starting to feel that way towards me.

I have not encouraged her in any way and I have been strict NC for 8 weeks but a very low LC before that since early August. So not sure what this is here, but as I read all the stories from everyone here who has experienced this BPD wash/rinse/repeat cycle it seems to be coming around again.

Not sure what to think.

Any comments, ideas, opinions and advice would be greatly appreciated. My back story listed in 2 parts on this board is pretty harrowing, at least it was for me.

Cheers guys  

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blackbirdsong
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« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2015, 03:47:40 PM »

So is this a recycle attempt in the initial stages? I am starting to think from reading between the lines that she has started the devaluation process with my replacement and its being driven by her narcissistic tendencies to surround herself with wealth even if she has none herself. As far as I am concerned, I am starting to be less black than before but not quite white yet, but she may be starting to feel that way towards me.

Not sure what is your question here. Should you go skiing with her and start everything from beginning or not?

I think you already answered all your questions in your text. Just read it carefully. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2015, 03:59:03 PM »

It could be anything.

f I where to give it a guess I would say she has started to devalue her fiancé and has reached out to you for either trying to recycle you or wanting you to raise her self esteem by telling her she deserves more.

No the grass wasn't greener but it doesn't mean she wont keep grazing there. I wonder how many times my exs reached out to someone else in order to get sympathy for how bad they had it? I know my ex wife did as I caught her out and even though she was adamant that nothing had gone on she did admit to complaining about me.
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« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2015, 04:05:16 PM »

Hey Next-

"I miss you" could be borderline code for feeling abandoned and therefore in pull mode, you know her, you decide.  And the devaluation of the current attachment indicates that attachment is not as rosy as it once was, so if she's attachment-less and/or fearing abandonment she's freaking out, so off go the emails to you.

The best thing you can do if you're questioning your strength is to get very selfish and focus on your needs and the 'harrowing' aspects of the relationship.  And you might not be able to block her on your work email but you can probably write a rule that either routes them to the trash or deletes them immediately when they arrive.  Take care of you!
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« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2015, 04:22:05 PM »



Not sure what is your question here. Should you go skiing with her and start everything from beginning or not?

I think you already answered all your questions in your text. Just read it carefully.
Smiling (click to insert in post)[/quote]
Thanks for responding BBS

My question is about her behaviours and what people think she is up to by reaching out after this long. It certainly has nothing to do with going on a holiday with her. That will never happen  Smiling (click to insert in post).

It was more about the thoughts of the BPD behaviour and wondering if it was a devalue of the fiance or an attempt at a recycle, or even triangulation.

Cheers

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« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2015, 04:26:52 PM »

Hey Next-

"I miss you" could be borderline code for feeling abandoned and therefore in pull mode, you know her, you decide.  And the devaluation of the current attachment indicates that attachment is not as rosy as it once was, so if she's attachment-less and/or fearing abandonment she's freaking out, so off go the emails to you.

The best thing you can do if you're questioning your strength is to get very selfish and focus on your needs and the 'harrowing' aspects of the relationship.  And you might not be able to block her on your work email but you can probably write a rule that either routes them to the trash or deletes them immediately when they arrive.  Take care of you!

Great insight H2H! 

Thank you for such a measured response. Clearly I do have feelings for her and the challenge I have found in the NC process is to detach from those feelings and to ignore the desire to contact her. That bit I have done successfully.

Good idea on the "email rule" and the "code for BPD" really made me chuckle.

Humour has been the only thing that has helped me to get through this misery... .just trying to find something to laugh about every day.

Cheers
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« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2015, 04:32:31 PM »

It could be anything.

f I where to give it a guess I would say she has started to devalue her fiancé and has reached out to you for either trying to recycle you or wanting you to raise her self esteem by telling her she deserves more.

No the grass wasn't greener but it doesn't mean she wont keep grazing there. I wonder how many times my exs reached out to someone else in order to get sympathy for how bad they had it? I know my ex wife did as I caught her out and even though she was adamant that nothing had gone on she did admit to complaining about me.

EM

That was what brought us undone at the final recycle... .that she kept grazing in a patch that I asked her to let go of. She was more than grazing, she was munching hard! So that was the final betrayal and I walked away for good.

3 weeks later she is engaged to him. Now it appears that the devaluation has started in that paddock and I guess I am a tried and true emotional and financial supplier to her over nearly 5 years.

I just want to make sure that I am preparing myself for what happens next with her, hence reaching out to the wisdom of the people on this board.
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AsGoodAsItGets
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« Reply #7 on: December 09, 2015, 05:01:32 PM »

Well, your missing a big key here, the heart felt apology from her to you.  Meaning acknowledgement of your hurt from her.  In other wards empathy.  ... hell you could just explain your open to a heart felt apology.   Which we all know you won't get, and then you can put this part of your life behind you.  Maybe you might get a real one and that could be the foundation to renew the relationship.    That seems to be the difference for those who make it with BPDs.  The relationship actually has a degree of empathy.  Without that she will just leave you again.
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« Reply #8 on: December 09, 2015, 05:30:36 PM »

Well, your missing a big key here, the heart felt apology from her to you.  Meaning acknowledgement of your hurt from her.  In other wards empathy.  ... hell you could just explain your open to a heart felt apology.   Which we all know you won't get, and then you can put this part of your life behind you.  Maybe you might get a real one and that could be the foundation to renew the relationship.    That seems to be the difference for those who make it with BPDs.  The relationship actually has a degree of empathy.  Without that she will just leave you again.

Hey As Good

As much as I would like to believe that it is possible for her to actually apologise... .it is never going to happen. She will never accept that she was contributory in any of the problems in the relationship. The gaslighting was brilliant! She made me believe that I was the cause of everything that went wrong... .hence the 6 months of psych counseling that I went through to get my head straight again.

I am getting the feeling that this is just a reach out for attention from her which must mean that the grass is not that green on the other side of the fence.
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« Reply #9 on: December 10, 2015, 01:45:44 AM »

Well you will not believe what has just happened. To make matters even more confusing, I have just bumped into my ex at a shop near where I live. I haven't seen her for 4 months and as soon as she saw me she just broke down. She just burst into tears.

She is so miserable and unhappy. She could not stop sobbing.

She has admitted that she has put herself into a miserable place and can't get out of it. I have never seen her so depressed. She was hugging me as I was leaving and would not let go even though I asked her to.

She is now talking about her mental state and how bad it is and that she can't seem to be settled or satisfied and that she knows that there is something wrong with her. I had to bite my tongue to not tell her she had BPD.

She is happy to tell people that she is engaged... .but guess what... .NO RING! The guy can't afford it and the engagement is in promise only with no ring. And then she asked me where her ring is (the one I gave her 4 months ago)... .specifically asking me if I still had it and then telling me how beautiful it is. She apparently had a fight with my replacement last night over the fact that he has no money to buy her anything.

She is entering the de-valuing stage of the relationship with my replacement and it seems to be on its last legs. Her attitude towards me was a lot less black than it has been and she is now just struggling so much with her life.

It was truly sad to see her like that... .but she has made her bed and now she has to lie in it!

I now wonder what the next chapter holds as far as her contacting me again?

These BPD relationships are miserable as no one ever wins here.

It is a living tragedy.

This woman is a classic BPD and she doesn't understand what is wrong with her.
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enlighten me
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« Reply #10 on: December 10, 2015, 02:08:26 AM »

I have to admit that Im not surprised.

I have no doubt she will reach out to you again. You need to decide what you want to do when that happens.

For me personally if my exgf did and brought up her mental state then I would suggest she seeks professional help but warn her that she will probably not like what she may be told but to not let that deter her as help can be had and things can get better.

The downside of this is she would probably push me into telling her what I felt was wrong with her. Which I would end up doing but in a compassionate way.

Your other option is to tell her your sorry for what she is going through but feel you both need to get on with your own lives now.
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« Reply #11 on: December 10, 2015, 06:31:59 AM »

Wow,  so sorry for you.  Equally proud of you to.  Most would have caved and start something.  You are telling a balanced view of your experience.  It's sad for BPDs,  they can idealize anyone, even the worst partner.  Then they devalue them just like us.  Keep posting, leaning that your next contact will me the guilt trip or attempted suicide.  We are here.  Come by, keep posting
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« Reply #12 on: December 10, 2015, 04:20:03 PM »

I have to admit that Im not surprised.

I have no doubt she will reach out to you again. You need to decide what you want to do when that happens.

For me personally if my exgf did and brought up her mental state then I would suggest she seeks professional help but warn her that she will probably not like what she may be told but to not let that deter her as help can be had and things can get better.

The downside of this is she would probably push me into telling her what I felt was wrong with her. Which I would end up doing but in a compassionate way.

Your other option is to tell her your sorry for what she is going through but feel you both need to get on with your own lives now.

Thanks EM

I have thought a number of times about what I should and should not tell her. After all, I am not a psych but I have discovered enough about her to know that she fits the profile to a T.

I received quite a number of texts from her last night as well. The things that she did tell me in her state of distress yesterday was that both she and my replacement are broke. They do not have enough money to buy a ring or even thing about getting married. She was telling me that she is bored with him, that he still lives in a dump, that she does not stay with him at his place overnight as he "snores like an offing walrus", that they do not do anything fun or have any good times, that she still lives at her mother's place and that she has made some poor decisions and hooking up with this guy was yet another mistake.

A lot of the texts last night were reminiscing about our past together.

So, where my head is at is to not contact her. I did offer her the opportunity to talk to me if she wanted to.

I sense that she will be finishing with him by Xmas as she has become too emotionally unstable.

Time will tell I guess, but I will certainly keep you all posted and if I can get the opportunity I will suggest to her that maybe some "counselling" would be good for her.

Cheers

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« Reply #13 on: December 10, 2015, 04:27:03 PM »

Wow,  so sorry for you.  Equally proud of you to.  Most would have caved and start something.  You are telling a balanced view of your experience.  It's sad for BPDs,  they can idealize anyone, even the worst partner.  Then they devalue them just like us.  Keep posting, leaning that your next contact will me the guilt trip or attempted suicide.  We are here.  Come by, keep posting

Thank you for your kind words AGAIG!

Rest assured that I will not cave on this one. I do sense the power has shifted away from her back to me and I think that by the end of this month she will be over my replacement and looking for a new supply. She did try the guilt trip on me last night over the manner in which we broke up when I saw her F2F and I shut it down and immediately set some boundaries. I also told her some home truths about her own behaviour and finished that part of the conversation by saying to her that it will be an issue that we may never agree on and we will just have to agree to disagree. I would not let her gaslight me any more!

So, at this stage, any future attempt to reach out will be up to her. I do not contact her at all, but I will respond if she reaches out to me.

Cheers

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« Reply #14 on: December 10, 2015, 06:47:40 PM »

Man, I applaud you.  I have been in NC for two months and am going for broke really.  After 19 years of marriage, I fear how she will react when she sees me again.  That has always been an issue.  I must agree with previous comments.  She will make another effort.  I don't think they ever give up.
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« Reply #15 on: December 11, 2015, 01:34:33 AM »

I have to admit that Im not surprised.

I have no doubt she will reach out to you again. You need to decide what you want to do when that happens.

For me personally if my exgf did and brought up her mental state then I would suggest she seeks professional help but warn her that she will probably not like what she may be told but to not let that deter her as help can be had and things can get better.

The downside of this is she would probably push me into telling her what I felt was wrong with her. Which I would end up doing but in a compassionate way.

Your other option is to tell her your sorry for what she is going through but feel you both need to get on with your own lives now.

Thanks EM

I have thought a number of times about what I should and should not tell her. After all, I am not a psych but I have discovered enough about her to know that she fits the profile to a T.

I received quite a number of texts from her last night as well. The things that she did tell me in her state of distress yesterday was that both she and my replacement are broke. They do not have enough money to buy a ring or even thing about getting married. She was telling me that she is bored with him, that he still lives in a dump, that she does not stay with him at his place overnight as he "snores like an offing walrus", that they do not do anything fun or have any good times, that she still lives at her mother's place and that she has made some poor decisions and hooking up with this guy was yet another mistake.

A lot of the texts last night were reminiscing about our past together.

So, where my head is at is to not contact her. I did offer her the opportunity to talk to me if she wanted to.

I sense that she will be finishing with him by Xmas as she has become too emotionally unstable.

Time will tell I guess, but I will certainly keep you all posted and if I can get the opportunity I will suggest to her that maybe some "counselling" would be good for her.

Cheers

Next

The one thing I notice about your conversation is that its all about her. He's broke and cant afford to buy me a ring or marry me, His place isn't as nice as I want, he never does anything fun for me, he snores so I cant sleep.

When I hear that now from my exs I cant sympathise as its just selfishness and all I can see is a child not getting what they want and having a tantrum.
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« Reply #16 on: December 11, 2015, 08:46:07 AM »

It sure seems like her contact with you is to a recycle attempt or at least have you as one option as she obviously is not getting her selfish needs met in the current relationship and is close to dumping him.  Also, you appear to realize that getting back together would be disastrous but the pwBPD are master manipulators so I wonder if she's making some inroads to your resolve of not being sucked back in.  I did notice at first you were NC for 4 months, and the last post you were saying she was texting you.  Does that mean you unblocked her and if seems like she is making inroads, I'm sure she thinks so.

 

If you absolutely sure that you will never get back with her then you should ask yourself these questions:

What benefit and purpose are you deriving from keeping contact with her this way?

What is your hope for the outcome of this current contact with her?

Also you should think about if her intent of the contact with you is a recycle attempt, and you keep on giving her crumbs that may encourage her, it's not allowing her to pursue other realistic options. 

If this contact is you  just trying to be kind, then at least you need to make it clear with her that you would never  consider getting back together with her. 



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