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Author Topic: After 2 1/2 years of NC, he calls Danger? Closure? Help  (Read 491 times)
WoundedButWiser
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« on: December 30, 2010, 04:24:56 PM »

After a rocky 14 year relationship due to his BP, he concocted something to hate me for, then cut me off completely.  Seems like it was just a defensive move to go out and spread his craziness elsewhere, and make me the bad guy.  That way he didn't have to face his own issues and bad behaviors.

So after thousands of hours of internal soul searching and learning about the pathology of BP I have to admit, I can't say that I was successful at "moving on."  I was able to see it all for what it was, but I can't say that I have healed.  I have felt that the wound left was so jagged and deep, that it would never heal.  I have not been able to engage in any new relationships, and frankly don't feel that I can trust anyone after everything that happened.

So now, I get a phone call (when he was drunk of course) and even he wasn't sure why he was calling.  I see this as an opportunity for me to find some closure, since I know for myself there's no way I will get sucked back in... .but how do I achieve this without opening myself up to emotional hell?

Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated!

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sarah1234
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« Reply #1 on: December 30, 2010, 04:30:41 PM »

I think you probably won't find the closure from him. You can try, I am not going to tell you not to, just that in my own humble opinion the only closure you can get is from yourself.

2.5 years is a good length of time, it must be so frustrating to have him contact you but the biggest Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  I see for you is that you admit you are not healed. You are then placing yourself in a vulnerable position here. I think you need to continue working on healing

You have to weigh up the danger yourself.

Whether you will get sucked back into a relationship, personal life drama or emotional manipulation. All are likely.

Its the holidays, people often feel nostalgic or maybe more stupidly, that whole phrase of 'water under the bridge' well it doesn't work like that for me  ;p

Keep moving on with your life, you don't need him or his dramas really do you?
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WoundedButWiser
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« Reply #2 on: December 30, 2010, 05:45:39 PM »

I know that there's a big risk here... .but I'm thinking that this could actually be what I need to get final closure.

I'm just not sure what would give me closure... .a real apology?  Taking some blame?  Acknowledging that he hurt me?  These are all things I have longed for... .so its possible it can help.

I'm not at all afraid of getting roped back in... .at least I know that --it also helps that he now lives on the other side of the world and is just here for a few days for the holidays.

Has anyone had a "final conversation" that helped with making the final break?  If so, what was discussed?

thanks!
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sarah1234
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« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2010, 05:53:10 PM »

You need to look out for yourself, and look after you. Which I know you know already

To find out these things you surely would need to get quite extensively closer again. You would need to know if he is in therapy. If he has made changes. If he has awareness of his difficulties and issues. Otherwise you may find yourself even more frustrated. If you couldn't have that conversation for the same reasons 2.5 years ago because it was raw, it may be easier now. You run the risk of opening up healing wounds and whether you are strong enough for that. LIving on the other side of the world is good but it doesn't make you immune to being hurt again.

I don't know if I can give you the answers, I have heard the apologies a million times, still not even entirely sure whether they are genuine or not, so that doesn't help at all. I can't trust him, so I don't know if the apology is real, or just words. A way to get back into my life, a way to engage me. To make himself feel better. Even if he apologised and he meant it, it wouldn't change anything for me. The abuse still happened, it cant be changed with the word 'sorry'. It can give people closure but it can also open up the mind to 'what if they have changed and I made a mistake?'. Sometimes we need to feel that all our efforts were not in vain. That we did make a difference. That they did learn something from our terrible break up. As I said, you may have to get pretty close to work this one out. The convo for me was never final. We would have it, and I would think 'ok, now he gets it. Now its all sorted out' only for the crazy crap to start back up straight away.

Also you need to note that he called you when he was drunk. This means that he is possibly still quite impulsive and isn't being very respectful. He may well owe you an apology, you have already waited 2.5 years and all you get is a drunk phone call?
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Annaleigh
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« Reply #4 on: December 30, 2010, 05:56:07 PM »

Was this a one time deal?  :)o you have a number to call him back?  Not sure from your post what the situation is right now.  My initial reaction is angry that he is giving you hope of something that is fairly against the odds.  I don't want this to hurt you.  (Lord, I am such a codependent, sorry to just jump into your personal business.)

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WoundedButWiser
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« Reply #5 on: December 30, 2010, 06:11:51 PM »

He's in town for a few more days and we could meet up somewhere neutral and safe.  We'll talk again sometime soon, so I'm considering the upside for me, and how I can make this encounter work to give me that closure.

I feel strong enough that there's no way I'll get sucked back in... .now that I understand BP (which I didnt during our relationship) I know enough to feel disgusted by him and pity for him.

But this would definitely be a one-time thing, where we can say/hear what we need to and then part.  I would not expect or want anything else in the future -- but I'd like to put the final nail in the coffin on this one to be able to move forward with my life without this hanging over me anymore with all the things unsaid.
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Annaleigh
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« Reply #6 on: December 31, 2010, 10:13:30 AM »

I don't know, I can understand the draw, they leave us in so much confusion.  I predict he won't be able to discuss much of anything outside of the price of fish, if you know what I mean.  I guess I don't see the point.  It is risking opening your wounds that you've worked to heal.  He will never take responsibility, he might say he does, but deep down they just can't, it's their illness.

You won't get closure, you won't get a sincere apology, it might create more pain to heal from for you.  You can find out the price of fish and other bits of casual talk.

I don't see an upside for you.  x
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FreeToBe
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« Reply #7 on: December 31, 2010, 01:49:31 PM »

I have a friend who had a 'one-time' reconnect with cocaine.  That led to his next three years in jail, bankruptcy, and job loss.
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brenbabe
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« Reply #8 on: December 31, 2010, 02:07:40 PM »

My ex was in a relationship with me for about a year, always told me I was the love of his life.  then one day poof without warning or anything being wrong he left me. No explainations at all. He was gone for three years without any word during that time . then shows up at my door exactly three years to the day he dissapeard. Acting like nothing happend, thought he was going to walk right back in my life . Not even an apology. If thats not sick I dont know what is . Im learning they never give you closure so your left wondering and still in love with them, this way they can return. I still loved that SOB for three years that he was gone. I was living in fantasy land thinking we could actually have something when he returned. I figured out that he will never change , he will always leave and then return as long as I let him. Its all about what I will do in reality, not him, he will always do the same thing. ring around the rosey over and over while I chased the carrot(the possiblity of a relationship ). He can take the carrot and stick it where the sun dont shine. Someone that Loves us is consistant , they dont play hide and seek.
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Mystic
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« Reply #9 on: December 31, 2010, 03:16:45 PM »

I have a friend who had a 'one-time' reconnect with cocaine.  That led to his next three years in jail, bankruptcy, and job loss.

I knew someone like that too.  He had a 10 year sobriety.  Owned a successful business, a beautiful home with all the trimmings, sports cars, rv's, had a good woman (her family was long time friends of ours). 

He did his reconnect with drugs, lost everything wound up facing jail, living with a crack ***re.  He killed himself.  One of the most tragic things I've ever seen. 

Revisiting addictions is a sure path to ruin. 
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Mystic
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« Reply #10 on: December 31, 2010, 03:18:13 PM »

Someone that Loves us is consistant , they dont play hide and seek.

Absolutely.  No head games, no over the top hurts. 
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brenbabe
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« Reply #11 on: December 31, 2010, 05:02:45 PM »

Liv, its coincidental that you mention that. My ex is a cocaine addict. He was clean for awhile, but word has it he has returned to using even before he returned to me . he has hooked up with a guy from Guatamala who he helped move to the states a few weeks ago. they are now roomates. Hmmm doesnt take a genius to figure out whats going on with that. My ex used to tell me I was so good for him because I had never used drugs and was a stable person. Told me he loved the healthy peaceful life I lived. We talked once long ago about a time he had gone to jail, he looked like he was going to cry saying he never ever wanted to go back there or use drugs ever again. I only pray hope God has mercy and throws a wrench in this trainwreck that I fear is going to happen to him.
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Robhart
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« Reply #12 on: December 31, 2010, 05:23:46 PM »

  I called my exbpgg after 2 months or so of n/c after I found out a friend of her died.

Somehow she played me like the proverbially fiddle. I like to think I'm strong as well as knowledgeable yet before I know it I'm back.Same crap ,same lies ,she's still calling all the bar guys, ,leaving abusive messages,deflecting etc.Full tilt cheating was just around the corner when her fling guy was due down in a month from up north. When I asked her how she was going to handle it (since he goes to the same bar) the best I could get was she doesn't know how to contact him. She's got his# in her purse.

Anyways last time I was down there she was supposed to meet me at her house. When she doesn't show for an hour I found her at the bar with couple of her bar guy buddies.

That was enough for me and spared me going through the upcoming cheating stage.

She lives like trailer trash yet can be persuasive enough that I'll ignore reality.

They have voodoo or something.Stay away!
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Mystic
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« Reply #13 on: December 31, 2010, 05:48:45 PM »

Liv, its coincidental that you mention that. My ex is a cocaine addict. He was clean for awhile, but word has it he has returned to using even before he returned to me . he has hooked up with a guy from Guatamala who he helped move to the states a few weeks ago. they are now roomates. Hmmm doesnt take a genius to figure out whats going on with that. My ex used to tell me I was so good for him because I had never used drugs and was a stable person. Told me he loved the healthy peaceful life I lived. We talked once long ago about a time he had gone to jail, he looked like he was going to cry saying he never ever wanted to go back there or use drugs ever again. I only pray hope God has mercy and throws a wrench in this trainwreck that I fear is going to happen to him.

Addictions scare the crap out of me, Bren.  I've seen relapses over and over again in people who I've known were addicted (mainly alcoholics).  One girl I worked with for many years decided to celebrate a 10 year sobriety by getting drunk.  She battled her demons for years... .died just a few months ago, only in her early 50's. 

The say the average relapse rate before recovery (if at all) is 7 times.  Unbearable. 

I pray for the alcoholics of the world, but I do not want another in my life.  Having lived through it with my father, ex husband and dear friends, I am done, my meter is sprung. 

All I can offer them is prayer... .
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Robhart
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« Reply #14 on: December 31, 2010, 06:21:42 PM »

I have a friend who had a 'one-time' reconnect with cocaine.  That led to his next three years in jail, bankruptcy, and job loss.

I knew someone like that too.  He had a 10 year sobriety.  Owned a successful business, a beautiful home with all the trimmings, sports cars, rv's, had a good woman (her family was long time friends of ours).  

He did his reconnect with drugs, lost everything wound up facing jail, living with a crack ***re.  He killed himself.  One of the most tragic things I've ever seen.  

Revisiting addictions is a sure path to ruin.  




I have been 30 years sober.My exbpgf is much much more addictive.

Hard to admit that I am totally powerless over this abusive,lying,cheating barfly  
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« Reply #15 on: December 31, 2010, 06:25:39 PM »

Excerpt
So now, I get a phone call (when he was drunk of course) and even he wasn't sure why he was calling.

As they say in Alcoholics anonymous, "drunk don't count." Never listen to a drunk person tell you they love you, want to marry you, are going to pay you back for all the trouble they've caused you, miss you, or tell you that you are the most beautiful person they've ever seen, etc.

Has he called you again while sober? Or are you now thinking you'll have to call him back?

P.S. Drunk Don't count.

Excerpt
I see this as an opportunity for me to find some closure, since I know for myself there's no way I will get sucked back in... .but how do I achieve this without opening myself up to emotional hell?

Too late. You're already hooked. And I think you've been waiting for this for over 2 years. You need validation that this isn't a character disorder you're dealing with.  He was just a nice guy who needs to be schooled on how to treat a lady. Right?

Excerpt
I feel strong enough that there's no way I'll get sucked back in... .now that I understand BP (which I didnt during our relationship) I know enough to feel disgusted by him and pity for him.

So, you want to tell him this? Who wants to hear that they disgust someone? I don't. I would walk away from someone who told me that I disgust them. Is this what you want him to do in your safe place meeting? Or do you want him to apologize to you after you call him names? I dont think that's going to happen.  The pity you feel is more than likely anger.

If you are meeting up in order to throw a pie in his face- I dont think that's going to get you through the anger and to closure. It's just going to make you look like an angry person. If you do understand cluster B personalities- then you understand that this is a character disorder that is done to everyone- and taking it personally really isn't the way to solve the failed interaction and get closure. It just makes you look character disordered too- Cluster B's are good at blaming others. They are winners when it comes to bad behavior- never try to outsmart them or out do them in the anger department- it will eventually ruin you.

Best way to get through this is by letting go of the outcome and detaching. Accept a character disorder for what it is- and address your attraction to trying to fix, solve or otherwise cure it. The only person you can control is yourself.  Practice self preservation.  Idea

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brenbabe
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« Reply #16 on: December 31, 2010, 07:32:32 PM »

People with BPD dont have any answers, they are walking talking contradictions.
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Marcie
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« Reply #17 on: April 29, 2011, 12:34:11 AM »

Yea not worth it. Was is there to say?
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htl67
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« Reply #18 on: April 29, 2011, 07:48:55 AM »

I re-engaged with my ex recently after almost one year, and the blessing that it brought to me was that after so much time apart, I could finally see the disorder in him, but it was over the course of a few months. I don't think you'll see anything out of the ordinary in one meeting, in fact, it may only serve to suck you back in because they can be quite charming upon this type of 'first' meeting, yes? We all have to do what we have to do to get closure for ourselves. If you feel you need more 'proof' to be able to accept it in your heart, that's where I was, and I got what I finally needed... .and Hallelujah baby... .I'm finally free!

 
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PotentiallyKevin
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« Reply #19 on: April 30, 2011, 12:24:12 AM »

I hate hearing these stories... .1 1/2 years out. Happy, Healthy, and feel like me again. The last thing i need is her back in my life in any way, shape or form.

Be strong! Remember the hell from the last go around. You are better than this!


Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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po·ten·tial  adj.
1. Capable of being but not yet in existence; latent: a potential greatness.
2. Having possibility, capability, or power.
3. The inherent ability or capacity for growth, development, or coming into being.
4. Something possessing the capacity for growth or development.
Marcie
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« Reply #20 on: June 13, 2011, 09:27:08 PM »

yea i am 7 months out and trying very hard to stay no contact, rebuild a life for myself. Recover from the abuse and the childhood abuse. I don't want to think that I am going to get my closure from him. Otherwise that makes me feel sad. Like I am not in charge of my own life.
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GP44
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« Reply #21 on: June 16, 2011, 02:23:05 PM »

Today I was looking at my sister's facebook page and I came across a picture of my niece that was taken at a family get together last year. My ex's arm is in the frame. Just seeing her arm upset me, much less looking at a picture of her. I can't imagine the emotional distress that would come from breaking NC.
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