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Author Topic: 01. Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder - Shari Y. Manning, PhD  (Read 51506 times)
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« on: June 23, 2011, 02:05:39 AM »

Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
Author: Shari Y. Manning, PhD
Publisher: The Guilford Press; 1 edition (August 15, 2011)
Paperback: 253 pages
ISBN-10: 1593856075
ISBN-13: 978-1593856076





Book Description
This is a "how to" book that will help anyone that is in a troubled relationship with a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. Despite the hurt, exasperation, and confusion, many people find themselves unwilling to leave BPD relationship. Perhaps they are tied to the person with BPD by blood, and they're not about to abandon their daughter or brother or marriage vows. Or they still see evidence of the person they once found so appealing, and that's who they want to hold on to. Psychologist Shari Manning understands what it means to care deeply about someone who is afflicted with this serious illness and offers practical tools to help in the day to struggles. In one part of her book, Manning, for example, discusses ways to handle a person that is upset. While the process appears complex in its description - with a little practice it can easily become second nature. It is pretty easy to validate someone who is not upset. Validating a person who is emotionally aroused is a skill. Here are the six aspects of validating someone that is upset.

Stay Awake "Staying awake" means pay attention, being attentive, asking questions. At its most basic, all you really have to do is focus, listen and nod yes, lean forward. It's critical not to be judgmental or dismissive about what the person has experienced - these will be taken as forms of criticism that you view something as "wrong" or "bad". A person with BPD can often see the changes in our faces when we have judgmental thoughts.

Accurate Reflection Accurate reflection requires you to communicate that you've heard the person. At its most basic, just repeat, verbatim, what the person said-- though it can be better to paraphrase so you don't sound like a parrot. This helps because it communicate to the person that what he is experiencing is universal enough for you "to get it" and that you are listening to what they are saying.

Stating the Unarticulated This is about demonstrating your active involvement in the discussion. It requires you to create a hypothesis about what you believe the person is not telling you. You can do this with a question or a supposition - ask if "_____" is accurate. This works especially when the person is dysregulated. You have to be willing to be wrong though, which shows that you haven't quite got it yet, so then ask more questions.

Validating in Terms of Personal History or Biology We are what's happened in our lives. On some level, all our actions make sense based on our history and experience. If you ever lived through a tornado, you would have a higher response to the warning sirens than others.  Letting a person know that their behavior makes sense based on their past experiences shows understanding. Our physical problems also impact (thus explain) how we behave. A person who has a bad back has difficulty sitting for long periods of time. Making reference to mitigating circumstances shows understanding and empathy.

Normalizing One of the most important things to communicate is that others would have the same response. People with BPD have the ongoing experience of being different - outsiders in their own worlds. When you normalize what they are feeling you find a way to communicate that what is going on for the person with BPD is the experience of being human, that anyone in the same situation could feel the same way. This is powerful. Some key phrases that can be used are:
"We all have moments when we feel that way"
"Of course you think that: anyone would in your situation"
"I would feel that way too"
"You know that is such a normal reaction"
"It makes sense that you did that. We all have those moments"

Of course, there are some things you can't normalize, such as suicidal behavior. Don't normalize things that are clearly not normal.

Radical Genuineness The key to validation is to be genuine. To be radically genuine is to ensure that you don't "fragilize", condescend, or talk down to the person you are trying to validate. You don't want to treat them any differently than you would anyone else in a similar situation. They aren't fragile, and to treat them as such can be seen as condescending.

According to Manning, there are really good reasons for changing your responses. The reason for validation is to dampen emotional arousal.

About the Author

Shari Manning, Ph.D., is the founder of the South Carolina Center for Dialectical Behavior Therapy, a comprehensive clinic that offered standard outpatient and intensive DBT treatment for adults and adolescents. She is the former President/CEO of Behavioral Tech, LLC and Behavioral Tech Research, Inc.   Manning has supervised therapists at the Behavioral Research and Therapy Clinics at the University of Washington and the University of South Carolina as well as supervising therapists and programs at the SC Department of Mental Health and South Carolina Department of Corrections. She also consults for state and private mental health programs at all levels of client care, including forensic and criminal justice settings.

Her research includes investigations of the efficacy of DBT with incarcerated women with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and with adult women with co-morbid BPD and eating disorders. Dr. Manning has written several published chapters and articles on DBT and its implementation.
« Last Edit: June 17, 2019, 06:16:26 PM by Harri, Reason: spelling edits made » Logged

Change your perceptions and you change your life.  Nothing changes without changes
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« Reply #1 on: June 23, 2011, 02:44:22 AM »

Thank you so much United for Now,

I have been searching for books such as this in my effort to keep working at understanding where the emotions come from and keep things in perspective and most importantly how to respond in the most effective way to keep the lines of communication somewhat opened... if not then and there at least at a later date, but always sending that message that we care and do want to hear how they feel.

So I'll check out Amazon and hopefully they have a kindle version... .

Sincerely,

1bg xoxo
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« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2011, 03:18:12 AM »

I'm on page 38 and loving it  xoxo

Helpful explanations of why your loved one acts like they did, with great examples for reference. It's like shining a light into a dark tunnel and suddenly being able to see what's been hiding down there for so long.
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« Reply #3 on: June 23, 2011, 03:29:15 AM »

Awesome~~  I am all over that book~~ Thank you! and gnight...   Hi!
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« Reply #4 on: June 23, 2011, 06:11:49 AM »

I'll have to look for this one.  Is it like the High Conflict Couple?  That book has helped me more than anything thus far.  Looking for more like that. 
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« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2011, 09:30:15 PM »

just placed my order!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #6 on: July 04, 2011, 08:49:24 AM »

How do I order this book? Went to Barnes and Noble and they didn't have it... .Thanks!
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« Reply #7 on: July 04, 2011, 04:35:21 PM »

Excerpt
How do I order this book? Went to Barnes and Noble and they didn't have it... .Thanks!

I ordered mine from Amazon.  They send it to my front door!   Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #8 on: July 05, 2011, 10:58:27 AM »

Wow! I totally misread the book title! It was before my daily caffeine! I am heading out now to get the suggested book... .Thanks!
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« Reply #9 on: July 31, 2011, 07:08:39 PM »

Thanks.  Another book, I will check out. 
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« Reply #10 on: July 31, 2011, 09:47:52 PM »

im on pg 60 with my highlighter in hand. 

funny story, i ordered from amazon last week and it came.  i had told her i had order Season 3 of Friends (which i also had), so when she saw the package in my room she got REALLY excited and started opening it.  Snatched that one away just in the nick of time!   
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« Reply #11 on: January 07, 2012, 03:24:17 PM »

I felt compassion and hope reading it. But then I'm NC with my qualifier.
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« Reply #12 on: February 14, 2012, 07:48:07 PM »

This book is fantastic and probably the best Ive read so far this year. I would recommend it for anyone who has been through this BPD experience and for those, especially, who still are. Parents and relatives for sure!
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“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
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« Reply #13 on: February 17, 2012, 06:05:09 PM »

I'm on page 38 and loving it  xoxo

Helpful explanations of why your loved one acts like they did, with great examples for reference. It's like shining a light into a dark tunnel and suddenly being able to see what's been hiding down there for so long.

That's a great short summary.  I think it's an excellent book and extremely helpful - both in understanding the BPD from the inside as well as in giving good behavior strategies for nons who love them.
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« Reply #14 on: March 12, 2012, 11:42:08 AM »

I placed this book on reserve at the library and got an email that I could pick it up anytime, I literally sped off to the library and started reading it this morning.   
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« Reply #15 on: March 12, 2012, 03:25:09 PM »

I love this book.  It is so compassionate. Has lots of specific helpful examples. 
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« Reply #16 on: March 20, 2012, 06:21:35 PM »

This is a good book, but I would not recommend it as the first book to read for someone having a SO w/BPD, especially if it is your spouse.

The book is really about the person w/BPD, and not about people having to live with someone w/BPD. It is about taking care of them, as much as it is possible. It is very much patient-centric.

When there is still anger and hurts about a relationship, the last thing you need to read about is what you can do for the person abusing you. The author is quite clear that the book is for people who decided to stay. But before making such decision in an enlightened way, there are many steps one needs to go through first. This book does not give much advice about those steps. From that point of view, I found "Stop Walking on Eggshells" much more useful.
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« Reply #17 on: December 01, 2015, 03:32:50 PM »

awesome book I felt like I liveing it when I read it. its a book that is hard to put down.
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« Reply #18 on: May 09, 2017, 07:33:17 PM »

I have read and re-read several outstanding books on emotional dysregulation; however, Shari Manning's book Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder helped me understand the complexity of emotional dysregulation in a new way that I had not understood or grasped.  I highly recommend this book.  Most important, it afforded me a much needed orientation toward better understanding why I felt the way that I do and validated those feelings. 
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