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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: How long did your honeymoon phase last?  (Read 2238 times)
poprocks
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« on: July 10, 2011, 09:29:28 AM »

2 weeks?  2 months?  What was the changeover like once devaluation began?
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Mystic
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« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2011, 09:55:12 AM »

3 months.  First blow out was a rage at me during my finals week at nursing school.  (supportive, eh?) 

He was angry because I wasn't as attentive as usual.  We were LD at the time, so perhaps my calls/texts weren't frequent enough. 

Raged at me pretty good.  Called me selfish, uncaring, everything was all about me, etc.

I was completely stunned and in tears. 

He apologized the same evening. 

I was shaken, but kept on and graduated first in my class. 

That was the beginning of the devaluation process.  I had no idea what I was in for from there on in.  I never saw the wonderful love we shared (I thought) again after that. 

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poprocks
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« Reply #2 on: July 10, 2011, 10:03:20 AM »

Dang that sounds miserable.  No respect for your time studying during finals.  Have you left him yet?
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« Reply #3 on: July 10, 2011, 10:15:53 AM »

2 weeks?  2 months?  What was the changeover like once devaluation began?

Mine lasted about a year. I used to get followed around the house like I had a puppy dog. Sex, Sex, Sex, until I would say lets take a rest, then I would get the cold shoulder. My BPDw would give me baths until I said I'd rather take a shower, then I got the cold shoulder. I would get pedicures, my medications all organized, and much more. It wasn't until my debt from credit cards topped out to $1400.00 minimum monthly payment that the honeymoon was over. I couldn't sit down and have an adult talk about the finances because she thought eveything was OK. My BPDw said that if she helped pay the credit cards down too fast I would leave her (not true). She also wanted to spend more, but I put my foot down! She started to get back into her compulsive gambling because it relieved her stress she said. I wanted to do things with the family, but she didn't. She told me one time: could you imagine if I stopped gambling and impulsive spending how much money she would have, and I said: yea, then we could start doing things as a family! She replied: well, you can save for that. She also said that she works hard for her money and she can do whatever she wanted to do with it. I finally told her to leave. She cried and said she didn't want a divorce, so I spent 8 months of i love you/I hate you; come over/go home until I finally ended it for good. What a roller coaster ride. For 8 months I was still spending money on her even though she made considerably more money than me. The honeymoon was over as soon as I disagreed with her destructive lifestyle. I wanted a family not a full time babysitting job for her daughter. Now, her daughter shows signs of BPD. Life's a bit**, then you marry a BPD! lololololo

Bob
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« Reply #4 on: July 10, 2011, 10:17:14 AM »

Mine actually lasted for several years. It wasn't until we were married that she devalued and replaced me.
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Mystic
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« Reply #5 on: July 10, 2011, 10:18:03 AM »

Dang that sounds miserable.  No respect for your time studying during finals.  Have you left him yet?

He left.  Moved out in a rage less than 2 months after we moved in together.  Gone 10 months and apparently is already married.  

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Mystic
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« Reply #6 on: July 10, 2011, 10:18:37 AM »

Mine actually lasted for several years. It wasn't until we were married that she devalued and replaced me.

Intimacy is the trigger.  The closer you get, the faster they run. 
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findingmyselfagain
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« Reply #7 on: July 10, 2011, 10:20:51 AM »

Until about 2 months before our wedding... .7 months honeymoon. Looking back that's when she started acting "extra pouty". When we were out for lunch I made a comment that we needed to cut back on expensive dates before the wedding. (Maybe not the best thing to say around a woman while you're on the date, but still... .I wasn't saying we were doing anything wrong). She kind of closed her eyes and clenched her teeth and said "But every time we hang out it's like a fun date." I believe the increasing intimacy was starting to trigger her.

It was the week of our wedding shower (about two weeks after the lunch) when she "hung out with a friend" so that's when the honeymoon officially ended. She seemed unusually pouty when he hung out a few nights before that. We seemed to resolve things the following weekend, but then she started having panic attacks and nervous breakdowns. Then she started "yelling" at me by texts. That she was getting pissed off that everybody was saying how nice I was and how happy we looked as a couple. What? Is she supposed to want them to say they we were ___ty as a couple? The BPD was feeling attacked no matter what was said. The double-bind. I didn't realize she was likely BPD until a few months later, so I was just in shock at the sudden change and didn't know what to say. After a time things calmed down but after her first counseling session she broke up with me. I suspect there was triangulation (read definition) with her family, too. They needed her to stay home to help them pay their bills b/c her dad is/was unemployed. I'm glad I'm not in the drama any more. It seemed to be a good thing for the longest, but I suspect she was hiding a lot of her problems.
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« Reply #8 on: July 10, 2011, 10:23:59 AM »

Same for me.  The 2 1/2 years of dating were great but as soon as we got married it all changed.  The next 8 months she totally ignored me then moved out.  We tried to reconcile 2 other times but it wasn't long before "she was unhappy" and dumped me. Always my fault of course.

My son said she only reconciled because she was in a tough bind both times but as soon as she had an exit plan she was gone again.  We never got back to the idealization phase that made me want to marry her in the first place.  Now I've filed the divorce papers because I realize just how significant the impact on my emotional and physical health has been.
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« Reply #9 on: July 10, 2011, 01:03:24 PM »

We were together a total of ten months. But the red flags were there all throughout the relationship. I'd run out of fingers and toes to count on the amount of times we'd argue and he'd leave my apartment in a huff. The back and forth of it all was all new to me and quite fascinating because the love/hate felt like passion I've never experienced.

I could tell that he was quite comfortable with "storming out."  |>

Around the 8 month mark we became bonded and incredibly close with tons of I love you's and I need you's. Feeling needed and wanted felt really good on my part but the "nail in the coffin" oddly enough wasn't the physical fight we had; for me was his complete lack of reciprocity. His eyes were open but he couldn't see how much he took and how little he gave. The absurdity of it all made me FEEL crazy. His entitlement showed no bounds and when he did give he acted liked he moved a MOUNTAIN for me.

When I started to put him on blast that's when BPD reared its ugly head. The jig was up and his mirror dropped and cracked. I ended the relationship when he began to resort to rage and physical abuse.

HG.
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iceman10
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« Reply #10 on: July 10, 2011, 01:31:35 PM »

17 months
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« Reply #11 on: July 10, 2011, 01:50:30 PM »

Until I got sober.  When we met I was a practicing alcoholic.  He eventually figured this out.  We lived together for about 2 years, he proposed, we married a year after that.  About 1 year into the marraige I finally got and stayed sober.  I was "available" and ready to have a real marriage and intimate relationship.  That was when he began to pull away.  We stayed married 18+ years, and it never got better... .only worse.

BTW I stayed sober, so, if anything I guess I can say I am grateful for that.  I am alive today, ironically, because I married this man.  Now, it is time to start LIVING!
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« Reply #12 on: July 10, 2011, 06:52:25 PM »

1 Year and 8 months.

I can truly say 'most' of it was good. OK no - fantastic and magical. I guess the longer the honeymoon phase the more one yearns for it to come back as soon as they 'turn'.

As HarlemGurl said - red flags were up all over the place though. But I was so in love and infatuated by this 'charismatic' sexy woman, that I turned a blind eye... .First clue was in month 3 though. Had this massive fight because I didn't show enough "worry" about her leaving. I defused that bomb by saying "I love you" for the first time.

A BIG red flag was in month 5 when she took me to another city to meet her best friends for her birthday party there. I was quite nervous meeting the friends as I'm not a social bunny. She was very cold towards me the WHOLE weekend, and even opted to get drunk instead of sleeping in our bed. First night there we had a fight about something dumb. AFTER the weekend as we flew home, she tore into me for not showing her enough love in front of her friends? I was stunned cos I DID show her love. Lots. She was so furious with me that we had our first mock-break-up over that.

After that the fights became more frequent, and BPD was there - I just did not see it... .

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« Reply #13 on: July 10, 2011, 08:09:24 PM »

At the forth month the red flags started to unfurl.  I didn’t appreciate their significance until many, many months later when the fierce winds blew them completely open.

It was the strangest thing, because at month four, her demeanor changed from one of endless affection and love, to one of growing indifference and quiet enmity.   On the simplest pretext, she’d become extremely tetchy.  She wasn’t a yowling BPD, as has been horrifyingly described in some of the first-hand accounts here, but her transition was very unsettling nevertheless.

As others have noted, their point of departure is when they finally have to confront their mortal enemy: intimacy.  Looking back on my case, I know what triggered her retreat.

We’d gone for a picnic/hike down by a river, and the day that passed was one of the most memorably beautiful experiences of my life.

After our picnic, she vanished from the face of the Earth for three days.  She didn’t answer my calls, or respond to my emails.  By day three, I was utterly gripped fearing the worst.  When she emerged from her silence, her response was far from consoling: she had been too busy to call.  Her tone had changed, her personality changed, everything about her now puzzled me.

From month four to month eight, her irritation with me gradually grew to such a pitch that I could no longer endure her presence, but, as you are all well aware, up to that final point I still craved her company like a drug, and hoped that she’d mend her ways.

At the end, I was a wreck.  She now bore no resemblance to the person I originally loved, and my only thought was escaping to safety.

When I left her, whew, I was in for a shock.  I’d never experienced such a painful separation as this before.

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« Reply #14 on: July 11, 2011, 12:21:38 AM »

Geeze, mine started raging and breaking up with me a few weeks in. Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  

Didn't stop me from re-engaging him, begging him back, apologizing, etc. for the next two years.

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« Reply #15 on: July 11, 2011, 12:29:21 AM »

4.5 months

At 6 months - just at the time when things started getting very close and very serious - arguments, breakup, insanity began in full operating mode.

The next 2.5 years just kept getting more intimate - and dysregulation kept getting progressively worse.

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« Reply #16 on: July 11, 2011, 02:12:10 AM »

It was amazing at the beginning! At our one year anniversary I received a ring that I was not prepared or ready for. Although it was not officially an engagement ring, I knew the significance of it and it FREAKED me out. I did not take it very well. (something I still regret). Three months after the ring I was broken up with, the first of what would eventually become five times in 6.5 yrs. After the first break up, I always felt I was chasing the ghost of who my ex was in the honeymoon phase. Although I never caught the ghost again, it would show up from time to time, just enough to keep me hooked. What a drug that was!
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Mand
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« Reply #17 on: July 11, 2011, 02:25:03 AM »

A drug... .how true. They are like drugs, aren't they? Only worse... .

I only broke up Friday but I am taking all the amazing advise I've received in this forum and applying it. Instead of focussing on all the great I've lost, I am pulling up memories of all the bad. Not to torture myself, no, but to show myself that 'The Fog' is exactly what it was - a FOG. Her love was real. I know it was. And is. But her BPD and its poison is just as real... .

I recall things like going to the U2 360 concert, almost 2 years in, and just after BPD really kicked in full throttle. It was my birthday present to me, by buying the best seats and taking the two of us. She was SO 'irritated' and detached and odd in the car on the way to the stadium which led to a MASSIVE fight in the parking lot where we had to leave the car. SO BIG was the fight that I stormed off to find a taxi to take me home and away from MY night and HER. And EVERY time I lost my temper because of her absurd behaviour, she'd calm down, almost eerily, and look at me with "aw shame... .you can't control yourself, can you?" eyes... .Then she'd hold me, calm me down... .We went to dinner, trying to smoothe things over before the concert. While there, she actually got p!**ed cos I was alledgedly looking at other women and people and not paying any attention to her. AT the concert though, she danced with me, gave me love, had a ball, fed me beer cos she claims beer makes me loving towards her... .

How is THAT for a roller coster ride?

And looking back further - our fights ONLY stopped when I broke down, either losing my temper OR crying like a child... .

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« Reply #18 on: July 11, 2011, 03:56:02 AM »

Mine actually lasted for several years. It wasn't until we were married that she devalued and replaced me.

Intimacy is the trigger.  The closer you get, the faster they run.  

Yeh Livia... .good point. My r/s was long distance, and when we'd talk over the phone she'd be like, 'I only ever wanted a man to love me. That's all I ever wanted'. So I bought into this thinking that romance wasn't dead afterall, but the more love I shown her when we were in person, the more she despised me. So I was seriously confused by all this.

It's weird... .when I was p*ssed off with her behaviours, she seemed to be all over me, thinking I was going to dump her. When I never showed her any love she practically worshiped me and treated me like a king.

I guess the reason why it's "working" out with the new guy - 7 months on - is because he's emotionally unavailable and keeping her on her toes, or he's a sucker being gamed for his money.

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« Reply #19 on: July 11, 2011, 04:06:56 AM »

We were together 16 months.  Our honeymoon ended after we got engaged and I moved in with her after moving from another city... .so when the real intimacy kicked in.  

Funny thing is, up until the end, I was completely oblivious to the "end" of the honeymoon.  I mean, we fought and stuff but I was still very very crazy about her.  It wasnt until she came home one day and announced that our honeymoon was over but we will be okay because we are completely commited to each other... .she was gone a month later.  
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« Reply #20 on: July 11, 2011, 04:14:33 AM »

A drug... .how true. They are like drugs, aren't they? Only worse... .

I only broke up Friday but I am taking all the amazing advise I've received in this forum and applying it. Instead of focussing on all the great I've lost, I am pulling up memories of all the bad. Not to torture myself, no, but to show myself that 'The Fog' is exactly what it was - a FOG. Her love was real. I know it was. And is. But her BPD and its poison is just as real... .

I recall things like going to the U2 360 concert, almost 2 years in, and just after BPD really kicked in full throttle. It was my birthday present to me, by buying the best seats and taking the two of us. She was SO 'irritated' and detached and odd in the car on the way to the stadium which led to a MASSIVE fight in the parking lot where we had to leave the car. SO BIG was the fight that I stormed off to find a taxi to take me home and away from MY night and HER. And EVERY time I lost my temper because of her absurd behaviour, she'd calm down, almost eerily, and look at me with "aw shame... .you can't control yourself, can you?" eyes... .Then she'd hold me, calm me down... .We went to dinner, trying to smoothe things over before the concert. While there, she actually got p!**ed cos I was alledgedly looking at other women and people and not paying any attention to her. AT the concert though, she danced with me, gave me love, had a ball, fed me beer cos she claims beer makes me loving towards her... .

How is THAT for a roller coster ride?

And looking back further - our fights ONLY stopped when I broke down, either losing my temper OR crying like a child... .

Man, I cant tell you how many good planned nights out were ruined like EXACTLY this for me w/ my exBPD.  It sucks because you are the one that is painted to be the bad guy... .they know how to push you to get a reaction... .then you are left doubting your reaction/over reaction.  It is crazy making.  I often wonder if I went back knowing what I know now about BPD if I would handle situations like this different, if Im even capable of it.  Instead of getting angry, trying to deal with her detachment/moodiness/accusations in a calmer manner.  I dont know if it would do any good though... .how do you rationalize with crazy?  I dont think its very easy... .actually, I know it isnt.
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« Reply #21 on: July 11, 2011, 07:08:47 AM »

difficult to answer, even the honey moon was a nightmare.

we fought constantly from the beginning of the relationship. i also kept my distance in the beginning, and i don't think the stages of my relationship were as pronounced as others. it was fairly steady, even in it's chaotic patterns. there was no "hater stage". there was rage, and episodes, and verbal abuse, and there was idealization. mostly idealization really. but when i think of the honey moon stage, i think of the first three months. she, without permission, moved into my home for this period. MAJOR boundary crossed from the get go. i felt like i couldn't do anything about it. i tried. any suggestion or hint that she leave upset her a great deal. even in the midst of all of our fighting, i'd make the point that we clearly were simply around each other WAY too much. we spent most of those 3 months in my bed room. were there good moments? there had to have been, but they're honestly hard to recall. it just wasn't a pleasant experience, and we fought SO much. she was also particularly controlling throughout this period which i don't respond well to. i was slowly being conditioned to it regardless. the anxiety of causing her to act out would inhibit my behavior. all the while, she has a very nice apartment that her parents are paying for, with two cats. she has quit going to work, and allowed the power in her apartment to go out. she loves her cats like children, and we made frequent trips to her place, yet she would always come back with me.

finally she realized she needed to get things back together, and stay at her place, and she left. i remember i kept trying to push increased independence, and to some extent i was successful. she got a new job, and eventually even went back to school. but for a very long time afterward, if i couldn't spend the night at her place (and i was depriving myself of sleep doing so) she was staying at mine, and this was nearly every night. she just didn't understand the concept of a little space. anyway, that's the tornado nature of this relationship. from day one i never got a chance to step back and breathe and think about what i'd even gotten myself into, and then it was over as quickly as it began.
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« Reply #22 on: July 11, 2011, 08:06:24 PM »

Our first date my "crazy critter" talked about 6 different past relationships. Can we all say Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  I'd say it was push and pull from the start, idealization/devaluation... blah, blah, blah, but he never admitted any cheating or really moved on for 10 months.  10 months of drama and then he moved on to a new girlfriend... .but of course by this point, I was hooked! So, then I played the "triangulation (read definition)" game with him and the other girl for another 10 months.  We got back together for the 100ish time and he physically abused me and moved out of state to be with another girl!  He then started the long distance "triangulation (read definition)" with this new girl and me for another year and 5 months.  He wants to have a long distance "open relationship"  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  It was always an "open relationship" for him!   Well it took me that long to stay NC for real!  It has now been over a month since his last "melt down" from the current on/off again gf and he tried to recycle me AGAIN! GEEZZZZ! I'm going to actually    if he contacts me again!
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« Reply #23 on: July 12, 2011, 03:08:34 AM »

two months. after that things were never the same. her BPD behavior became progressively worst. there were Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  from the beginning, but it's only with hindsight that i realize this.
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« Reply #24 on: July 12, 2011, 03:49:30 PM »

Sadly (and not) we had a good 5 years together (with the occasional moodiness and anger, but not enough to be a huge issue) before things started to go downhill  The thing that really seemed to set him off was relocating for my new job (couldn't handle the change) and then when we had our daughter 2 years ago things got even worse  There were good times here and there and he seemed to be the most wonderful, attentive father, but the love was just gone and resentment built up on both sides, and he would keep walking out on me or threatening to leave, or kill himself... .I kept stupidly holding onto hope that I could make things better if I just tried harder... until he got violent with me and now its over.
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« Reply #25 on: July 12, 2011, 04:51:39 PM »

I dont really remember.  It was kind of a gradual thing, where they hook you, and then you end up waiting for your crumbs, and wishing for more, and the damn crumbs make you so estatic and it just keeps going round and round.  usually it got real good, after she had an affair (which she thought I didnt know about) and she decided what she had at home was better, so she started being really nice to me.  Again this would move into the cycle of crumbs being handed out just to keep me hooked.  I cant believe I stayed and put up with all this for 18 years. 
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« Reply #26 on: August 03, 2015, 12:16:05 AM »

after we moved in together the affection dropped off a year after that so our second year began the insults and criticsisms by the third year it was constant drunkeness,abuse,gaslighting,sexting and finaly infidelity in our 4th and final year
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« Reply #27 on: August 03, 2015, 12:57:36 AM »

From my perspective, from December 2012 until the end of March 2014. So, about 15 months.

During devaluation, it was mainly the silent treatment coupled with the occasional argument and ensuing rage.

Devaluation was swift, and my anxiety levels were through the rough. I was disassociating nearly every day. I thought that there was something wrong with me. This, of course, was partially true. I didn't spot the abuse and get myself away from it. That doesn't change the fact that the abuse did exist, though.

My part in the dance, of course. I simply had lost control of the turntables, and I didn't know how to get it back.
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« Reply #28 on: August 03, 2015, 02:59:20 AM »

 A few months and then things degraded very quickly. Like within days she basically deleted me from her life.
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« Reply #29 on: August 03, 2015, 06:29:32 AM »

A drug... .how true. They are like drugs, aren't they? Only worse... .

I only broke up Friday but I am taking all the amazing advise I've received in this forum and applying it. Instead of focussing on all the great I've lost, I am pulling up memories of all the bad. Not to torture myself, no, but to show myself that 'The Fog' is exactly what it was - a FOG. Her love was real. I know it was. And is. But her BPD and its poison is just as real... .

I recall things like going to the U2 360 concert, almost 2 years in, and just after BPD really kicked in full throttle. It was my birthday present to me, by buying the best seats and taking the two of us. She was SO 'irritated' and detached and odd in the car on the way to the stadium which led to a MASSIVE fight in the parking lot where we had to leave the car. SO BIG was the fight that I stormed off to find a taxi to take me home and away from MY night and HER. And EVERY time I lost my temper because of her absurd behaviour, she'd calm down, almost eerily, and look at me with "aw shame... .you can't control yourself, can you?" eyes... .Then she'd hold me, calm me down... .We went to dinner, trying to smoothe things over before the concert. While there, she actually got p!**ed cos I was alledgedly looking at other women and people and not paying any attention to her. AT the concert though, she danced with me, gave me love, had a ball, fed me beer cos she claims beer makes me loving towards her... .

How is THAT for a roller coster ride?

And looking back further - our fights ONLY stopped when I broke down, either losing my temper OR crying like a child... .

Seriously almost every time we go out now this exact script plays out. I took her to concert, we walked because its 10 blocks away. Apparently thats a long ways for people who hate walking. The disaster of a night started there... we get to the venue and she wants to get drinks. Then is furious the drinks are so expensive so she doesn't dance. Just stands there as everyone else is having a great time... Except us. I'm trying to keep my cool in front of my friends who are just meeting her for the first time. Then I ask if she wants to go home early, and then I'm the ass trying to ruin her fun. I ask if she wants to dance and its a big no because this is the kind of music people do drugs to... .Then we leave and she starts talking about what a good show it was, how she cant wait to download the music and go see them again when they return. Uh, excuse me. Did I fkng miss something?

Anyways, our honeymoon phase lasted less than a month. She would pick me up and drop me off at work, we would just lay on her couch with the TV off and talk and laugh for hours, go to her room and have the craziest sex... Like every night. Rinse repeat. Then a few weeks of this goes by and she starts to snap, one to three times a week. Just go f*cking crazy. After the first or second time she admitted that she had cheated on me during the second week we were together... Sweet, I said I didn't care. I just wanted her. That was a lie, it was the first time anyone had personally betrayed me... and I just let it happen because she'd look up at me with big doe eyes and then my childlike heart would melt and I would cry thinking its my fault... .

Then the sex disappeared... I thought getting her things to change up our sex patterns would be nice for the two of us, a magic wand, clothes... Of course, she was hurt and offended that I didn't think our sex was good enough and that I was "pressuring" her. That's a word she uses a lot, I am PRESSURING her. No I am not pressuring you, I am telling you what I want! Just say no if you don't feel the same way! We used the wand once in our two years, never dressed up or did anything interesting after our honeymoon. Instead, its hurt, depressed, angry, and then its to the bathroom to cut herself... .Then I would leave, she would freak out I left, call and text and show me what atrocities she had done to her body, she would call and cry and beg me to return, then I would return and we would make up. ohhhh what a miserable roller coaster... Sorry... I guess I have a lot to vent... Im calling her in the next day or so to break up with her... .fkkkk
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« Reply #30 on: August 03, 2015, 08:14:36 AM »

I must have triggered the heck out of mine.  3mo is when it all went to H E L L. The honeymoon never returned. She push-pulled me so much I thought I was going nuts. Said I was "yelling" at her... .I was only trying to communicate... .couldn't get a word in at all... .then I would be accused of trying to get "the last word". The circular arguments were mind-boggling. I am a very social person. I run a social group with over 400 members. The fact I could not communicate like a rational 40yo adult with this person should have been the   that got me to leave. Instead, I stayed 3yrs with this sociopath.

I found out last night, after one of our breakups my ex told HER ex I had "irrational mood swings from very, high to very low and it was scary. She thought I might hurt her".

... .yet she begged me back two more times after this.

I am now dating this ex (the ex of my ex) and clearly we both found this humorous. I was physically assaulted by my ex. I never touched her, never called her names. In fact the last year of our relationship was sexless and it was the best it had ever been... .no rages, no push pull... .

but she was "bored and numb"... .time to find a new victim. I was afraid to have sex. She had accused exes of forcing themselves on her and being "sex addicts". Instead of leaving... .as I should have... .I just tried to protect myself from the false moniker of "rapist". She was able to use this to her benefit, telling her new GF I "friendzoned" her and wasn't that into her.

At the same time, this is stuff she would tell people so many think I am insane. That is what is really scary. That her "enablers" believe it.

Personally, I believe her enablers have severe issues of their own. One is suicidal every other week.

I work with her sister and she has threatened me.  The only thing that made ME feel safe is I was still with my ex so it was doubtful her sister would pull something. Now, I'm not so sure. That still makes me nervous... .I allowed myself to be surrounded by people who are ape-___ crazy.

and THIS is why you should save emails and any coorespondence in the event it's used against you in the future. I saved EVERYTHING.

I say I was with my ex for 3yrs but with the months she would disappear and try to replace me I'd say 18mo... .the standard.  Birthdays, dumped, holidays, dumped... .vacations... .

you guessed it... .

dumped.

I won't miss the unreliability, the dissapointment or the lying and cheating.

I won't miss her, I won't miss her batshiz crazy enabling family... .She didn't exist... .just her pathology.

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« Reply #31 on: August 03, 2015, 01:10:14 PM »

I'd say 5 months, but there were signs before that. Lack of empathy for her own daughter. telling me I could stay in her small apartment while she was at work while her 18 year old daughter was there. C'mon, the kid barely knew me and she says her daughter "won't mind". I wouldn't even sleep there until I knew her daughter was ok with that. The exBPD kept telling me how her daughter hated her last live in boyfriend so I took that to heart and made sure I had concern for the kid. Maybe it was a lie, who the heck knows now. Probably just lack of concern or empathy for the kid. That has got to be difficult for a daughter to grow up with. Oh she was buying me gifts all the while her daughter did not have health insurance. Relationship is paramount.

How about this one, her exbf from 8 months prior was still texting her, sometimes multiple times a day. I asked if she was over that relationship as she kept taking his messages, (which should have been obvious to me) and she said she was, and that when she cares about someone " I care forever". I think she meant torment forever.

Then in the first month, and I keep writing this over and over to get it through my thick skull, she said "men don't breakup  with me, I breakup with men." Now tell me that wasn't a gigantic red flag with cannon shots and fireworks. I just stood there in awe of the color and noise, pathetic.

Funny thing is, is that she was always trying to make me jealous. Early on we are in the line for the movies and a guy in front of us turns and looks at her and says something. she says to me "that would have made my old boyfriend really mad." Silly me said "what for, you didn't do anything." That was not the answer she expected. And then she would come home from dinner with a friend and tell me that a young waiter was flirting with her, and I would say "who the heck wouldn't flirt with you." Again I was oblivious to what she wanted at that point, which was to be jealous and keep me off balance.

She is beautiful girl and the sex was incredible. it is amazing how I got caught up in that. But I realize now it was just a show, there was no love in the love making. It filled an empty place and it was how she got, or thought she got control. As I think about it now, it is sad that she thought she had to use sex as a tool. Sometimes I felt like I was her abuser from childhood and she was reliving that terrible stuff that happened. And then I just stopped wanting that from her, not that I didn't want it, I wanted more from the relationship other than a transaction. It makes me so terribly sad. I wonder if that is why we become the trigger? Sex is a tool that was learned from abuse, so the BPD person continues to use it that way. And then we become the abuser when they lash out, we are reliving the incredible, justifiable rage that is being felt by them. My ex wife was exactly the same. Somewhere in this story is a story in my life. My mom was BPD and killed herself at 52. My first real GF definitely was BPD and dumped my on my head, although 30 years later has resurfaced and is telling me how much she "loves me".

So in the end I broke up with her, which I think really sent her in to a huge tailspin. Finally someone broke the cycle and did it first. In some ways I think she respects me for that, that I said no to the game, the sex is power game. I have respect ofr her, deep down I think she knows that. But I also think everything is deep down with her, and that she will replay the game with the new BF. I read somewhere that BPD does not learn from mistakes, maybe I write about the time she gave a $42,000 Mercedes Benz to a couple of criminals.

So now I have finally taken leave from work and am trying to sort all of this out, all about me. Where did I go? How did I get so lost? What will I become? An amazing journey.
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« Reply #32 on: August 03, 2015, 01:31:53 PM »

Intimacy is something I value greatly.  I don't care about the "wild porn sex" that so many pwBPD offer.  As a result, the honeymoon didn't last long.

We became friends at the end of January, but we didn't hang out outside of work until the end of March. So, idealization really began March 20th.  The months of April and May were spent in a push-pull cycle of her wanting to be with me and then not wanting to be with me, but there wasn't any rage.  

The first time we had sex was on April 24th.  She was drunk.  I was buzzed.  It was pretty crazy, but there was zero intimacy.  I even went out of character and talked dirty to her.  Basically, it was what she was comfortable with.  The second time was April 30th.  May 6-13 was her saying we just needed to remain friends.  May 14-20 was filled with, "You're the one.  I love you.  I want to live with you.  I want to marry you."  Our third time together was very intimate, and the next night, she basically ignored me all night and then slept away from me.  I should mention that April and May were filled with love letters and handmade cards from me, which only served to trigger her engulfment fears even more.

Her first rage came on May 21st, when, for no reason at all, she texted me and said, "You're so f____ing annoying.  Go.  To.  Bed."  This was two days after we looked at a house together and talked about what our married life would be like.  

From May 21-June 3, it was basically just devaluing and raging all the time.  We went from seeing each other every day at work and at least one day a week after work to barely seeing each other at all.  June 4th was her suicide attempt.  I visited her June 7th.  June 8-16 was her ignoring my texts and avoiding seeing me.  June 16th was the day I was discarded for no reason.  

Idealization basically lasted for two months, but there was push-pull in there.  

Her boyfriend isn't romantic at all and is oblivious to everything around him, so he's probably a better fit for her, for now... . 
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« Reply #33 on: August 03, 2015, 01:48:46 PM »

 

You guys bring up a point about the sex.  Sex was just... .sex. In fact, I stopped enjoying it. She was very rough... .almost mechanical.  There was no intimacy... .no long talks afterwards or cuddling... .it was almost lewd, crass even.

We sexted a lot in the beginning and I admit that was exciting, I never did that with anyone before... .but when it became an actual "relationship"... .

she bolted. Over and over again.

We really were sexless the last year and a half but I felt she respected me more. To me, sex made me vulnerable and she'd dumped me. She actually stuck around longer when we weren't having sex.
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« Reply #34 on: August 03, 2015, 02:02:37 PM »

You guys bring up a point about the sex.  Sex was just... .sex. In fact, I stopped enjoying it. She was very rough... .almost mechanical.  There was no intimacy... .no long talks afterwards or cuddling... .it was almost lewd, crass even.

We sexted a lot in the beginning and I admit that was exciting, I never did that with anyone before... .but when it became an actual "relationship"... .

she bolted. Over and over again.

We really were sexless the last year and a half but I felt she respected me more. To me, sex made me vulnerable and she'd dumped me. She actually stuck around longer when we weren't having sex.

Yeah the sex was 'crazy' because I had never been told to choke out my partner, etc. When we were drunk I liked it a lot but yes, I agree that when I was not drunk the sex felt very mechanical and played out. Once the phase was over though our sex would usually end in a fight... I like sex without fights a whole lot more I find.
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« Reply #35 on: August 03, 2015, 02:43:28 PM »

You guys bring up a point about the sex.  Sex was just... .sex. In fact, I stopped enjoying it. She was very rough... .almost mechanical.  There was no intimacy... .no long talks afterwards or cuddling... .it was almost lewd, crass even.

We sexted a lot in the beginning and I admit that was exciting, I never did that with anyone before... .but when it became an actual "relationship"... .

she bolted. Over and over again.

I am 29, and she was the first person I had ever been with.  She had to go home afterwards, and after we got dressed, I tried to hug her, and she said, "I have to pee."  The whole act itself was very rough and overblown.  It was my first time, and she left bite marks all over me.  We were both drinking, and I was so attracted to her, so I just let it slide and chalked it up to weeks of sexual tension finally having an outlet.   

At first, I thought it was all because she had cheated and was feeling shame because of it, and part of it probably was that, but even after she decided that she wanted to leave her boyfriend and be with me, sex was basically the same.  She did tone it down after the first time (no more biting), but it was still just very mechanical.  No foreplay, no cuddling afterwards, getting dressed again right away. 

I had also never sexted before, and it was so exciting to get those messages from her, but it's like that's all the farther she could go.  Making love was something she just couldn't do.

She once said to me, "Lust goes away pretty quickly.  I'm trying to figure out if my lust for you is tied to my love for you, or if it's the basis of my love for you.  The second option has ended a lot of relationships for me."  What she was saying, but didn't realize that she was saying, was that everyone she's been with could only take the porn sex for a while and then tried to be more intimate.  It wasn't that lust went away; it was that love took over. 
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« Reply #36 on: August 03, 2015, 02:56:22 PM »

Summer Storm,

 This was my first woman too.  And yeah what's with the biting. Not sexy biting... .like taking out chunks biting.

I almost lost a nipple once. .

It was not a mutually caring, rewarding relationship at all.  Co-dependent yes... .but it was more her on me. By the end I was sick of taking care of her endless needs and getting nothing in return... .not even a stinkin t-shirt

(as in... .I dated a BPD and all I got was this lousy PTSD) Funny but not.
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« Reply #37 on: August 03, 2015, 03:01:06 PM »

Was my first woman too, she also bit and liked being bit... I'm so happy I found this place it's really putting my life in to a correct perspective.
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« Reply #38 on: August 03, 2015, 03:14:18 PM »

Did either of yours, Summer Storm and Brood mention they were into BDSM? Mine was and I so am not. There is a lot of sexual abuse involved with many ppl who are involved in that lifestyle. My ex claimed to have been raped by both men and by women.

I was with a man before this relationship... .seven years ago and I will say it was so gentle and loving. Not like this was.  Sure there were crazy times but we could connect. I just couldn't connect with her physically. It wasn't the same.
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« Reply #39 on: August 03, 2015, 03:46:17 PM »

Summer Storm,

 This was my first woman too.  And yeah what's with the biting. Not sexy biting... .like taking out chunks biting.

I almost lost a nipple once. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

It was not a mutually caring, rewarding relationship at all.  Co-dependent yes... .but it was more her on me. By the end I was sick of taking care of her endless needs and getting nothing in return... .not even a stinkin t-shirt

(as in... .I dated a BPD and all I got was this lousy PTSD) Funny but not.

This was my first person.  Period.  Only one, actually.  Not exactly how I was originally planning for that to go.   

Oh, and the day after, I texted her to say that I had bruises.  I was trying to be cheeky and sexy, and she just replied, "Yeah, I get rowdy, especially when I'm drunk.  Rub them a bit, and they'll get lighter."  Such a romantic.   

The biting was hard but not that hard.  It was just more the frequency than anything.  I had marks on my collarbone, my shoulder, my hip, my thigh.  The second time, she didn't bite me but asked me to bite her.  She noticed the bruise in the shower the next morning and later told me about it and mentioned that she usually doesn't bruise.  I actually took some pride in that. 

Yeah, I was sick of everything being about her.  And really, I didn't even see her that often, so that's saying a lot.   
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« Reply #40 on: August 03, 2015, 04:20:42 PM »

Did either of yours, Summer Storm and Brood mention they were into BDSM? Mine was and I so am not. There is a lot of sexual abuse involved with many ppl who are involved in that lifestyle. My ex claimed to have been raped by both men and by women.

No, she never mentioned it, but I've chatted with other people who said their exBPD was into it.  Our first time, in the middle of just kissing, she randomly stopped and said, "No, I don't think you're ready for that."  I didn't ask what she was talking about, but it did make me wonder.  Whatever crazy thing she was talking about, I'm glad she stopped herself, especially since it was my first time. 

Of course, we're also talking about a woman who had never seen a vibrator and was fascinated by the fact that I own one. 

She identifies as bisexual but has only ever been with two women, and the first was a few years ago, so most of her knowledge of lesbian sex comes from porn, which isn't exactly the most accurate depiction of it. 

Mine was sexually abused as a child and into her teenage years. 

I've mentioned this a couple of times, but it's actually really sad because I could tell she really, really wanted what I wanted to give her, but her disorder just wouldn't let her have it.  T

here are a lot of things about BPD that piss me off and just can't be forgiven, but there are some things that are just sad.  She would tell me how much she loved my "sweet kisses."  I don't mean to stereotype here, so please forgive me, but I think we can all agree that if there is any one group of people who that less likely to care about intimacy and romance, it's men in their teens and early 20s.  Again, not every man in that age range is like this, but I went to college and saw it every day.  So, I really think that she's had a lot of sex with guys who think that her porn sex is just amazing.  The way I treated her was foreign to her and fascinated her, but it also pushed her away because she couldn't handle the intimacy.  I wanted it to be slow and romantic from the beginning. 

She always wanted me to tell her how sexy she is, and I did.  But when I told her that she's beautiful, she just started sobbing.  It was heartbreaking.  And when she first told me about cutting, I said that I would kiss all of her scars.  She said that was one of the most beautiful things anyone had ever said to her.  But when I tried to kiss them, she pushed me away.     
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« Reply #41 on: August 03, 2015, 04:30:44 PM »

7 years!

I was the king of the world.  I honestly believed that she was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Then, after the house was built, the kids were hatched, and the finances were becoming more limited, I was painted black!

I see now that as long as I served an upcoming purpose for her, building a house, getting her pregnant, I was the king. 

I'll admit, I loved it while it lasted!
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« Reply #42 on: August 03, 2015, 05:47:21 PM »

I'm not sure if mine lasted for a week or six months.

To me, only the first week was perfect. Then when we departed (long distance relationship), things started exploding and it turned to hell for me.

In her mind however, things were perfect the first six months, after which something happened that made me lose value in her eyes and then hell intensified even further. 
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« Reply #43 on: August 03, 2015, 05:58:02 PM »

just want to add my undiagnosed BPDexgf was into porn style sex as well real kinky stuff and when she didnt orgasm there was hell to pay... NO love just sex... same i never got cuddles or pillow talk after i may just have been a scratching post... not sure what triggered my ex but honeymoon was over just after we moved in together... gone was the affectionate loving woman who would wait for me naked to arrive from work...

still miss the cheating biatch  
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« Reply #44 on: August 03, 2015, 07:33:47 PM »

8 years or 7 months depending on how you see it:

I realize now that I was idolized during our 8 year friendship -- she never said 'no' and somehow loved all the things I loved over the years. Little did I know that getting engaged was going to be the beginning of the end. I feel like I've learned multiple lifetime's worth of lessons about love, relationships, and myself. It was exhausting!
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« Reply #45 on: August 03, 2015, 08:02:47 PM »

I'd say around ten months, though there were quite a few  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) after a few months... .

From January to November I felt like a princess. Yep I totally fell for the sweet caring sensitive bright funny man, for the soulmate once in a lifetime he loves me for who I am thing. From November to June I felt like I was going crazy with the push/pull, actions not matching his words, mistrust, circular arguments over silly things, childish tantrums, extreme jealousy... .trying to keep that great man and great love and fighting for it. Waiting for all this to return. Questioning my own sanity.

November is when I told him Why don't you come live here?... .He was actually always at my home and was the one who'd been talking about it for months. I thought he was gonna be over the moon. Was not. It went downhill from there.  

In the next months, he would always bring it up, saying how I had not asked him the right way or at the right moment    
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« Reply #46 on: August 03, 2015, 08:28:43 PM »

Mine actually lasted for several years. It wasn't until we were married that she devalued and replaced me.

Intimacy is the trigger.  The closer you get, the faster they run. 

I believe this is true regardless of the actual length of time. The ship seems to turn the closer you actually get, realizing not all pBPD's are the same.
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« Reply #47 on: August 03, 2015, 09:04:42 PM »

We had an initial honeymoon phase of about 3 months... .I'll never forget the first fight, the one that made me feel like my brain has snapped and I no longer knew which way was up. There were some rough times. But then he was sober for about 8 months, and he was far better at regulating his emotions, and things were good. The second honeymoon ended about 6 months before the end of the relationship.

Intimacy is the trigger.  The closer you get, the faster they run. 

I believe this is true regardless of the actual length of time. The ship seems to turn the closer you actually get, realizing not all pBPD's are the same.

I believe the same, that it's more based on intimacy and triggered fears than time. One pwBPD could be fine for 2 years until triggered by marriage; another could be "acting out" within the first month of the relationship. Within the disorder's general pathology, the specifics of the triggers, emotions, and responses are (as with anyone, BPD or not) very individual to each person.
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« Reply #48 on: August 04, 2015, 09:04:00 AM »

You want to talk triggers... .I threw my ex a VERY expensive birthday on the gold coast (Chicago) a month before she dumped me.  I invited ALL her exes.  Imagine her walking off the elevator and seeing ALL her exes talking to each other.

That had to trigger her big time. Some things were realized at that party and lies uncovered (I found out from the exes AFTER my breakup).

She always said they were her friends... .they were her supply and that party actually eliminated a few from her rotation. I figured this out AFTER the fact. I really was trying to do something nice for her.

She literally ran off into the sunset with my replacement less than a month later. When I mentioned I would never throw that elaborate of a party for "just a friend" she tells me... .you didn't even kiss me at the party... .

all these people were there for her and I was trying to help the host who threw this at her home.  I just wanted her to have fun.

The host got an elaborate bouquet arrangement of flowers and I got a giant FU and got dumped.  Now she is trying to bring this new GF into our social circle.

I have taken her back two times from others. I am pretty sure I am blacker than black right now and to be honest I don't want her back anymore... .it just hurts that they can move on after something nice was done for them... .regardless of their warped interpretation of it.  

PW

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« Reply #49 on: August 04, 2015, 02:46:49 PM »

Hey,

Wow many replies here with a variety of timeframes! In my own case things were great in the beginning (obviously) months. The physical and intellectual chemistry we had was great. I think when this all started going downhill was by a trigger. She didn't want to meet my family. Well, maybe I pushed it too quickly, but we all lived in the same city. Consequently, it didn't feel weird to me. Plus, as I told her from the beginning, I am pretty close to my family. So it wasn't strange for me to suggest that we all get together. It was after a few months, either two or three. Anyway, that started a downward spiral.
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« Reply #50 on: August 04, 2015, 07:32:06 PM »

First year I was never split black just a few temper tantrums that would remind you of a 3 year old... .second year I would be split back for a short period of time maybe a few hours or a day once in a while... .third year was complete hell, split black for weeks at a time, all sorts of abuse and threats... .so I would say for almost all of 2 years I was idealized... she still was pushing to get married a week before we broke up... i'll never truly understand that.  As far as the sex went the porn star sex got old... it felt like a heroin addict trying to get her fix. I knew something was really off from the beginning tho so I don't think I ever truly bought completely into what she was selling... .
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



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« Reply #51 on: August 04, 2015, 09:14:55 PM »

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