Is he leaving me?

[TheOptimisticWoman]

Here is a message I got from him some days ago. I hope you can make suggestions to what the message means, because I cant be objective here:

I am at work, I came to the hotel this evening, the hotel I was at yesterday didnt have internet. I have a lot to do for some small time now, but I dont want to break the conatct with you. But I feel I dont have time for you right now in my life... .

I want to work hard for couple of weeks, I be home to morrow when my daughter will come and she and I will travel to grandad on friday and be back sunday evening, and I will have my daugheter until tuesday, and then I will take a plane to work, be back again next day, then another plane to work and be back sunday. I got aa lot to do that week when Im back, and then I get such a bad conscience when I dont have time for you.

You might call it a pause for two weeks, but you are in my heart, but I must lay behind me the next two weeks before I can ease down... .and you and me can meet... .

[ItsAboutTime]

To me it sounds as though he's a bit overwhelmed. Work perhaps, family obligations maybe. I think he means that the 'time-out' between you will be for two weeks, while he gets his other priorities in order. It sounds as if he's got a lot on his plate for a couple of weeks, and he feels badly that he can't devote more attention to you. He calls it a 'pause'.

I don't see anything negative in this message. Naturally, as a non-BPD I would probably respond with; "Of course it's not a problem for me. Focus on what you have to do. I'll be here when you return."  I think it's a reasonable response.

What about you, what are your thoughts?

[SOOOdone]

you might want to ask him?

I'd give him his space and not put all my eggs in his basket. if his conscience is so terribly disrupted what would stop him from making quick check in calls?  Sounds strange to me.

[eeyore]

definitely let him contact you next.  And in the mean time keep living YOUR life.  Don't put anything in limbo.  Do what you would do as a single person. 

[TheOptimisticWoman]

To me it sounds as though he's a bit overwhelmed. Work perhaps, family obligations maybe. I think he means that the 'time-out' between you will be for two weeks, while he gets his other priorities in order. It sounds as if he's got a lot on his plate for a couple of weeks, and he feels badly that he can't devote more attention to you. He calls it a 'pause'.

I don't see anything negative in this message. Naturally, as a non-BPD I would probably respond with; "Of course it's not a problem for me. Focus on what you have to do. I'll be here when you return."  I think it's a reasonable response.

What about you, what are your thoughts?

Im sad because I need a few words now and then. If he only had said "I love you" now and then, phone me and take for an hour maybe every day, come and have sex with me (every day  ) , come and give me a kiss and so on... .I am in the position that I have become needy, ans I hate that... .

[TheOptimisticWoman]

you might want to ask him?

I'd give him his space and not put all my eggs in his basket. if his conscience is so terribly disrupted what would stop him from making quick check in calls?  Sounds strange to me.

I do agree! It sounds strange. But I am wondering if this stressed life with being a onlyfather for a 5 year old for 5 days pluss coping with work in between are making living for him almost too much?

Or is it so that he doesnt need a woman to give him intimacy when he ha s a child who adores him and cant get enough of this very good father (he really is popular around her).

[TheOptimisticWoman]

definitely let him contact you next.  And in the mean time keep living YOUR life.  Don't put anything in limbo.  Do what you would do as a single person. 

Funny you should say that, because that is what I have been up to, today. I have even been thinking about other men in general. Stay or leave. Lots of stuff.

[ItsAboutTime]

I have a lot to do for some small time now, but I dont want to break the conatct with you.

I get such a bad conscience when I dont have time for you.

You might call it a pause for two weeks, but you are in my heart, but I must lay behind me the next two weeks before I can ease down... .and you and me can meet....

All those things he said, he didn't have to say. He said them because obviously he means them. He sounds as though he is going through things that are bringing him a great deal of stress and pressure, you don't really want to add more on top of what he has already, do you? I don't think it's a good idea to demand attention from him when he's trying to get through this. It's what he's asking from you now so that he can focus on you again later.

Try to be understanding and remove any guilt from his conscience, that's all he's asking for, patience and understanding.

Just MHO

[whatarideout]

is he leaving you?... .i would say he already left

But I feel I dont have time for you right now in my life... .

people that have high interest in someone don't say things like "i don't have time for you". i wouldn't waste my time with this guy. his message is to wishy washy. he's all over the place with his feelings. when someone loves and cares for you, they don't confuse you with up and down behaviour. they make it CLEAR that they want to be with you. he even says he has a lot to do when he comes back! *hint, hint*

stay or leave?... .you can't leave someone that's already gone. stop waiting for this guy to decide what you're going to do with your life.

"you might call it a pause for two weeks... " tell him to make it a lifetime.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

I have a lot to do for some small time now, but I dont want to break the conatct with you.

I get such a bad conscience when I dont have time for you.

You might call it a pause for two weeks, but you are in my heart, but I must lay behind me the next two weeks before I can ease down... .and you and me can meet....

All those things he said, he didn't have to say. He said them because obviously he means them. He sounds as though he is going through things that are bringing him a great deal of stress and pressure, you don't really want to add more on top of what he has already, do you? I don't think it's a good idea to demand attention from him when he's trying to get through this. It's what he's asking from you now so that he can focus on you again later.

Try to be understanding and remove any guilt from his conscience, that's all he's asking for, patience and understanding.

Just MHO

OMG, thankyou!

This gives me pleasure.

God I love him, and I want to be there for him.

Thank you   

[TheOptimisticWoman]

is he leaving you?... .i would say he already left

But I feel I dont have time for you right now in my life... .

people that have high interest in someone don't say things like "i don't have time for you". i wouldn't waste my time with this guy. his message is to wishy washy. he's all over the place with his feelings. when someone loves and cares for you, they don't confuse you with up and down behaviour. they make it CLEAR that they want to be with you. he even says he has a lot to do when he comes back! *hint, hint*

stay or leave?... .you can't leave someone that's already gone. stop waiting for this guy to decide what you're going to do with your life.

"you might call it a pause for two weeks... " tell him to make it a lifetime.

OMG you are right!

WOW I didnt see that.

Oh, I so sory now, but you open my eyes.

Yes, I think I did see that comming.

How easy it is to trick one self... .

So what to do now?

[ItsAboutTime]

Bottom line here. Do you really love him?

Im sad because I need a few words now and then. If he only had said "I love you" now and then, phone me and take for an hour maybe every day, come and have sex with me (every day  ) , come and give me a kiss and so on... .I am in the position that I have become needy, ans I hate that

I have even been thinking about other men in general. Stay or leave. Lots of stuff.

It appears to me that you may be having doubts of your own about loving him.

Isn't love supposed to be about patience?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

[TheOptimisticWoman]

Bottom line here. Do you really love him?

yes, i do, but... .

I have needs.

I want a boyfriend on a dayly basis. I want sex. I want communication.

I want reflections. I want to feel loved.

More that ones a weel or ones a month.

I have often thought that if I am to survive in this relationship  i must have a few small boyfriends in my pocket... .:'(

[SOOOdone]

I'm with whatarideout

if i got those words from someone i'd be making other plans on a friday night.

are YOU telling you don't have time for HIM because of such-and-such and your conscience is nagging at you? Would you be able to even say that if you HAD a developed conscience? Or would you present your dilemma and ASK how you'd FEEL if he didn't contact you? He's not asking you... .he's TELLING you what not to expect from him.

I wonder if it's conscience that he is really talking about here.

[ItsAboutTime]

Bottom line here. Do you really love him?

yes, i do, but... .

I have needs.

I want a boyfriend on a dayly basis. I want sex. I want communication.

I want reflections. I want to feel loved.

More that ones a weel or ones a month.

I have often thought that if I am to survive in this relationship  i must have a few small boyfriends in my pocket... .:'(

You really love him but you can't be faithful for two weeks waiting for him? I don't understand how that could be love. What if he was a soldier and sent overseas for six months or 2 years, would you remain faithful to him? There are other ways to satisfy your sexual needs without cheating on someone you love. How can this relationship survive if all you can think about is having a 'few small boyfriends in your pocket'?  

Am I all wrong here or do I have a totally different concept of love and commitment?

[TheOptimisticWoman]

 

You really love him but you can't be faithful for two weeks waiting for him? I don't understand how that could be love. What if he was a soldier and sent overseas for six months or 2 years, would you remain faithful to him? There are other ways to satisfy your sexual needs without cheating on someone you love. How can this relationship survive if all you can think about is having a 'few small boyfriends in your pocket'?  

Am I all wrong here or do I have a totally different concept of love and commitment? [/quote]
I do agree with you, and at the same time not everything is said.

He doesnt want intimacy all that much, and he has been giving me the silent treatment all summer. That is very hard. And he often says he have no space for a woman. I have plenty times hoped that I would meet a normal man who could take me away from this. But no other man gives me what I think I will get from my boyfriend. I live in a hopesituation, and all my friends are waithing for me to get out of this toxic relationship...

What can I do?

[poprocks]

yes, i do, but... .

I have needs.

I want a boyfriend on a dayly basis. I want sex. I want communication.

I want reflections. I want to feel loved.

More that ones a weel or ones a month.

I have often thought that if I am to survive in this relationship  i must have a few small boyfriends in my pocket... .:'(

Wait a minute... .  You say you love him but then say you want to cheat on him with other boyfriends if he can't have sex with you every night?  That's not even close to love.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

I'm with whatarideout

if i got those words from someone i'd be making other plans on a friday night.

are YOU telling you don't have time for HIM because of such-and-such and your conscience is nagging at you? Would you be able to even say that if you HAD a developed conscience? Or would you present your dilemma and ASK how you'd FEEL if he didn't contact you? He's not asking you... .he's TELLING you what not to expect from him.

I wonder if it's conscience that he is really talking about here.

God, I loved to read that.

I want to be empowered enough to be what I want.

Thank you.  

[TheOptimisticWoman]

yes, i do, but... .

I have needs.

I want a boyfriend on a dayly basis. I want sex. I want communication.

I want reflections. I want to feel loved.

More that ones a weel or ones a month.

I have often thought that if I am to survive in this relationship  i must have a few small boyfriends in my pocket... .:'(

Wait a minute... .  You say you love him but then say you want to cheat on him with other boyfriends if he can't have sex with you every night?  That's not even close to love.

Im tired of giving love to him and to my self. All alone. I want something back. Is that bad?

[poprocks]

No, it's not bad to want intimacy but you have a choice to make.  Do you want to stay with him or do you want to leave him?  If you want to stay, then you obviously cannot cheat on him and still claim that you love him.  If you love somebody and are in a committed relationship with them, you won't cheat on them... .no matter what.  If you want to leave, then leave and feel free to have sex with who ever you want.  Does anyone disagree with me here?  Seems pretty basic to me.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

No, it's not bad to want intimacy but you have a choice to make.  Do you want to stay with him or do you want to leave him?  If you want to stay, then you obviously cannot cheat on him and still claim that you love him.  If you love somebody and are in a committed relationship with them, you won't cheat on them... .no matter what.  If you want to leave, then leave and feel free to have sex with who ever you want.  Does anyone disagree with me here?  Seems pretty basic to me.

I guess  know Im leaving this guy, and has known it since the very first day we met. He has been something my mind could be occupied with in many ways, as in dealing with my broked marriage who was BPD, as a interesting case,... .

I am now , I think, ready to out of this relationship, but strange enough I want him to want me as I am about to leave, and not be detached/ absent/bussy. I have helped him alot to cope with his life and getting his daghet back in life, and there is no thanks... or ...

what I miss is someone who is dependent of me. I would love a man to be dependent of me, honestly. Now I feel very much alone as my kids are grown and have left. I have so much love to give and cant say I would be glad if a man just want one hour every month. I could never be married with a soldier or a sailor if thats the deal...

I want love ona regular daily basis. Thats the way I am. Is that too much?

[ItsAboutTime]

TheOptimisticWoman

   

Are we both BPD?

« on: Today at 06:27:18 PM »

   

I have become a strange figure. I have shouted, demanded sex. I have leaved,taken all my things and got a cab and didnt got back before plenty days later. I have said lots of things. I have drunk wine late in the evenings, had sex with a total stranger because I didnt get sex with him.

I have become a drama lady.

Maybe I am BPD as well?

ivy_league0.tripod.com/rhyme_of_the_ancient_wanderer/id114.html

[whatarideout]

But no other man gives me what I think I will get from my boyfriend.

you need to wake up girl!

you're saying no other guy has a chance with you because of some delusion of optimism that your "boyfriend" will give you what you need,... .KNOWING, based on his RESULTS, that he will never deliver?

"i have drunk wine late in the evenings, had sex with a total stranger because i didn't get sex with him."

... .his behaviour isn't the one i would be worried about

[TheOptimisticWoman]

But no other man gives me what I think I will get from my boyfriend.

you need to wake up girl!

you're saying no other guy has a chance with you because of some delusion of optimism that your "boyfriend" will give you what you need,... .KNOWING, based on his RESULTS, that he will never deliver?

"i have drunk wine late in the evenings, had sex with a total stranger because i didn't get sex with him."

... .his behaviour isn't the one i would be worried about

Please dont judge me. I need advice, because I feel very lonely in this relationship. Being alone for 8 weeks is not good for me.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

  If you love somebody and are in a committed relationship with them, you won't cheat on them... .no matter what. 

Is this really true?

I love him

but

He doesnt give me his intimacy

Shoud I go

stay?

Get intimacy from others who knows hoe this is

and just play a role with m BPD as he wants (with verly little intimacy)

Di you have a facit here?

[ItsAboutTime]

"i have drunk wine late in the evenings, had sex with a total stranger because i didn't get sex with him."

Do you believe that he wasn't aware of this? If there was a problem with intimacy in the past and you both love each other, this is what good communication is for. If you have that, then you would both be willing and able to talk about this obvious problem.

[whatarideout]

Please dont judge me. I need advice, because I feel very lonely in this relationship. Being alone for 8 weeks is not good for me.

i'm not judging you.

you feel lonely in "this" relationship because there isn't one. it takes two people. period. when one is "absent" from the other person, the relationship is dead in the water. game over. he's told you through his ACTIONS and WORDS that he is not available.

you say you love him? i disagree

i would say you love what you "wish" he could be

[TheOptimisticWoman]

Please dont judge me. I need advice, because I feel very lonely in this relationship. Being alone for 8 weeks is not good for me.

i'm not judging you.

you feel lonely in "this" relationship because there isn't one. it takes two people. period. when one is "absent" from the other person, the relationship is dead in the water. game over. he's told you through his ACTIONS and WORDS that he is not available.

you say you love him? i disagree

i would say you love what you "wish" he could be


You are right. The relationship is over or has never been one, or has always been dramatic. But its so strange that all the anger he had before is gone when he doesnt have a girlfriend. He says he has always been a bad boyfriend, he doesnt feel the need to give and everyone is asking him to give. But I have seen that he gives in plenty ways, but not when someone asks. This is not the first time he has been absent and want time of his own and be with his father og 82 years (his mother died when he was 9-10 after years in bed with cancer). When he returns he is very gentleman, washes my car inside out, we share everyday doings, he can talk about feelings, he is open about not beeing there for me in long periods saying he must have time of his own otherwise he looses himself. When I look back there is a history of every easter, christmas, all summer plus every other weekends, mostly workingdays, sometimes 2 weeks in a row now and then... .And when we are togheter like when we go to a spa-hotell he loves to sit alone while Im swimming, but suddely he can turn up and sit with me in the pool, buy some whine for us. I just cant expect anything or wish for anything, and maybe one should never ask or wish? He follows his head, and I have big troubles understanding how not dependent he is.

My friend asked me: If you can live with all the way he is and never expect to get more than you get, then you can go on with this relationship. But is it a relationship you want? Dont you want more?Dont you think you can get more in a relationship?

Well, my answer is: There is something in all relations, and in a deep level I think him and I are special; I love him and he loves me. He loves me the way he can love a woman. Do I know relations that are really good? No. I dont. How is a story about a good relation?

[ItsAboutTime]

You've been all over the charts here with your responses, up down and even sideways.

If someone has given you some sort of encouragement to be patient and tolerant with him, that he loves you and wants you, you enthusiastically agreed.

"OMG, thankyou! Doing the right thing

This gives me pleasure.

God I love him, and I want to be there for him.

Thank you"



Then if someone else advises you to leave, that the relationship isn't what you need, you agreed with that advice as well.



"OMG you are right!

WOW I didnt see that.

Oh, I so sory now, but you open my eyes.

Yes, I think I did see that comming.

How easy it is to trick one self... .

So what to do now?"

You have said that he's away, sometime for "2 weeks in a row".



"When I look back there is a history of every easter, christmas, all summer plus every other weekends, mostly workingdays, sometimes 2 weeks in a row now and then... ."



Then you've said;



"Please dont judge me. I need advice, because I feel very lonely in this relationship. Being alone for 8 weeks is not good for me."

Your friend asked you ":)on't you think you can get more in a relationship?"

To which you replied;



"Well, my answer is: There is something in all relations, and in a deep level I think him and I are special; I love him and he loves me. He loves me the way he can love a woman. Do I know relations that are really good? No. I dont."



When you were asked if you love him you said;



"yes, i do, but... .

I have needs.

I want a boyfriend on a dayly basis. I want sex. I want communication.

I want reflections. I want to feel loved.

More that ones a weel or ones a month.

I have often thought that if I am to survive in this relationship  i must have a few small boyfriends in my pocket... ."



About his daughter you said;



"But I am wondering if this stressed life with being a onlyfather for a 5 year old for 5 days pluss coping with work in between are making living for him almost too much?

Or is it so that he doesnt need a woman to give him intimacy when he ha s a child who adores him and cant get enough of this very good father (he really is popular around her)."

He's the loving father of a little 5 year old girl, don't you feel it's appropriate for him to be "popular around her"? I'm sure she adores her dad. Do you really feel that the love of a little girl replaces the romantic, intimate love of a woman?

In one statement you're committing to stay with him, be there for him, then in the next breath you said;



"I guess  know Im leaving this guy, and has known it since the very first day we met. He has been something my mind could be occupied with in many ways, as in dealing with my broked marriage who was BPD, as a interesting case,... ."



You've confessed to infidelities when you've felt he wasn't giving you enough sex;

"i have drunk wine late in the evenings, had sex with a total stranger because i didn't get sex with him."



You say you're ready to get out of the relationship, but you want out of it on your terms, by making him want you as you are about to leave.



"I am now , I think, ready to out of this relationship, but strange enough I want him to want me as I am about to leave, and not be detached/ absent/bussy."



It appears that you feel he doesn't depend on you for some reason. Do you feel this way because he has to leave on out of town trips for his job or to see his daughter? And why aren't you a part of her life as well? Is that his choice or yours?

"what I miss is someone who is dependent of me. I would love a man to be dependent of me, honestly."

From all that I've read that you have written about the way he treats you, I don't see any real mistreatment here. I see a man that travels a lot for whatever reason, I see a man that loves his 5 year old daughter a lot after having to fight for her, I see a man that has told you that he doesn't like being away from you or suffering a bad conscience for having to do that. What I do see is a woman that isn't totally part of her mans life. A woman that has chosen to be envious of the relationship between a father and daughter. I see a woman with obviously extreme need both emotional and sexual and will go to any lengths to get either even if that means having casual sex while drunk with perfect strangers.

Truthfully, if I were this man, I'd have second thoughts about such a relationship. It's not an honest one. It's a selfish one. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but all the conflicting emotions that I've seen you post here tells me that you aren't ready to give any more than you have to in this relationship and there's no real communication or love going on there.

[Al]

You've been all over the charts here with your responses, up down and even sideways.

If someone has given you some sort of encouragement to be patient and tolerant with him, that he loves you and wants you, you enthusiastically agreed.

"OMG, thankyou! Doing the right thing

This gives me pleasure.

God I love him, and I want to be there for him.

Thank you"



Then if someone else advises you to leave, that the relationship isn't what you need, you agreed with that advice as well.



"OMG you are right!

WOW I didnt see that.

Oh, I so sory now, but you open my eyes.

Yes, I think I did see that comming.

How easy it is to trick one self... .

So what to do now?"

You have said that he's away, sometime for "2 weeks in a row".



"When I look back there is a history of every easter, christmas, all summer plus every other weekends, mostly workingdays, sometimes 2 weeks in a row now and then... ."



Then you've said;



"Please dont judge me. I need advice, because I feel very lonely in this relationship. Being alone for 8 weeks is not good for me."

Your friend asked you ":)on't you think you can get more in a relationship?"

To which you replied;



"Well, my answer is: There is something in all relations, and in a deep level I think him and I are special; I love him and he loves me. He loves me the way he can love a woman. Do I know relations that are really good? No. I dont."



When you were asked if you love him you said;



"yes, i do, but... .

I have needs.

I want a boyfriend on a dayly basis. I want sex. I want communication.

I want reflections. I want to feel loved.

More that ones a weel or ones a month.

I have often thought that if I am to survive in this relationship  i must have a few small boyfriends in my pocket... ."



About his daughter you said;



"But I am wondering if this stressed life with being a onlyfather for a 5 year old for 5 days pluss coping with work in between are making living for him almost too much?

Or is it so that he doesnt need a woman to give him intimacy when he ha s a child who adores him and cant get enough of this very good father (he really is popular around her)."

He's the loving father of a little 5 year old girl, don't you feel it's appropriate for him to be "popular around her"? I'm sure she adores her dad. Do you really feel that the love of a little girl replaces the romantic, intimate love of a woman?

In one statement you're committing to stay with him, be there for him, then in the next breath you said;



"I guess  know Im leaving this guy, and has known it since the very first day we met. He has been something my mind could be occupied with in many ways, as in dealing with my broked marriage who was BPD, as a interesting case,... ."



You've confessed to infidelities when you've felt he wasn't giving you enough sex;

"i have drunk wine late in the evenings, had sex with a total stranger because i didn't get sex with him."



You say you're ready to get out of the relationship, but you want out of it on your terms, by making him want you as you are about to leave.



"I am now , I think, ready to out of this relationship, but strange enough I want him to want me as I am about to leave, and not be detached/ absent/bussy."



It appears that you feel he doesn't depend on you for some reason. Do you feel this way because he has to leave on out of town trips for his job or to see his daughter? And why aren't you a part of her life as well? Is that his choice or yours?

"what I miss is someone who is dependent of me. I would love a man to be dependent of me, honestly."

From all that I've read that you have written about the way he treats you, I don't see any real mistreatment here. I see a man that travels a lot for whatever reason, I see a man that loves his 5 year old daughter a lot after having to fight for her, I see a man that has told you that he doesn't like being away from you or suffering a bad conscience for having to do that. What I do see is a woman that isn't totally part of her mans life. A woman that has chosen to be envious of the relationship between a father and daughter. I see a woman with obviously extreme need both emotional and sexual and will go to any lengths to get either even if that means having casual sex while drunk with perfect strangers.

Truthfully, if I were this man, I'd have second thoughts about such a relationship. It's not an honest one. It's a selfish one. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but all the conflicting emotions that I've seen you post here tells me that you aren't ready to give any more than you have to in this relationship and there's no real communication or love going on there.

[Annaleigh]

If I wrote something like that to a love interest, it would mean, go - fly free - find someone else.  Really.  Or I would be saying, I love you and I hope you understand, I'll make it up to you when I return (if I cared).

I hate people that say "I'm too busy for you, me me me.  What the fru if you needed his support?  You say you love him, well what about love for yourself?  The important one in this equation.     YOU 

Two weeks is a good start to NC. 

[TheOptimisticWoman]

 I have been honest about my wrongs. I havent told about his. With breaking into my house when I was not here, calling my children, visiting my eks, stopping the car and ask me to leave, sending me out of our room on a boat, I couldnt speak with friends or be with my children, he has held me down, slaped my face and body, shouted at me in town and on a boat with lots of people, ... .and so on... .

The summer i 8 weeks, 2 weeks now and then is all the year round.

I have been babysitting several times.

He didnt get to see the child before I came into the picture, just 2 hours once a month with hired people from the state...

Why are you so mean to me saying all this nasty stuff?

You make it sound like im a pervert ...

I have become a mess after this 18 months

But I know I will get out.

But I dont need your answers to who I am or not.That was hurting me.

[ItsAboutTime]

I wasn't trying to be mean. I was trying to clarify your statements because you say one thing, then another totally different thing.

All-in-all your relationship with an abuser is not really where you should be. Why would you want to be with someone that's abusing you all the time?  Leave him, or kick him out, then get back to living a normal life. Abuse doesn't just suddenly end, it only escalates. Do you want that?

Like many of us, your BPD has caused you to lose self-respect, and you need that badly. But the only way to achieve that is by freeing yourself from him.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

If I wrote something like that to a love interest, it would mean, go - fly free - find someone else.  Really.  Or I would be saying, I love you and I hope you understand, I'll make it up to you when I return (if I cared).

I hate people that say "I'm too busy for you, me me me.  What the fru if you needed his support?  You say you love him, well what about love for yourself?  The important one in this equation.     YOU 

Two weeks is a good start to NC. 

I have learned that his way of saying things is different from when I do it. Or maybe :

When I last autumn was leaned backward he was desperate to meet. So things have been opposite.

[Annaleigh]

Those were the days.     

Imagine you could say ANYTHING to him, with no consequence or condemnation.  What would you like to say, from your innermost heart?

[Al]

Imagine you could say ANYTHING to him, with no consequence or condemnation.  What would you like to say, from your innermost heart?

Thats a hugequestion that I am going to ponder, thanks for asking it 

[lashout]

I agree with the last post. Somethings not quite right with this picture.

Your fella sounds a wee bit confused; not quite in the game and not quite out. Nothing wrong with that.

What is it you want optimistic? This guy or a guy? How long have you known him? have you put too much pressure on him?... .sounds like he has other obligations (job, daughter)... .is that going to work for you? That might be the question you need to ask yourself, and that maybe he is trying to get you to ask yourself.

He might be an ok guy.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

Those were the days.     

Imagine you could say ANYTHING to him, with no consequence or condemnation.  What would you like to say, from your innermost heart?

I would say: I cant understand that you who always have said that birthdays are a great thing in your family that you cannot miss, dont send me a message, dont call me, dont meet up, dont get me flowers or a present on my 50th birthday on the 12th of august 2011, but let me stay in my flat all by my self waithing for my love. That is the most evel thing you probably have done... .

I cant understand that you dont miss me and our time togheter, but maybe you were using to me help you to get to have your daughter back in your life and care for her. You knew I know the system, I met your eks, the state, the lawyer, to give an impression of that we were a couple.

You have plenty times enden our realtionship when you want space, leaving me to go on with my life, but when I do, you come back and ask in the softens romatic way to give it a new try, and I open up again thinking that everything will be stable.

You have over and over again told me about loosing your mother in cancer when u  were 9-10 and that I must promise to never leave u, but how can you leave me and think that is ok?

I will always have a place for you in my heart, and Im sure noone wears shirts better than you, but I will never be my best with you, I will always have too much focus on you and to less on my self, and I will feel very lonely being most part of the time alone in a relationship. I will not be alone in a relationship any more. I want to say no to that option. I want to believe  that a boyfriend are there when I need him, as I am there for him. Nothing very complicated, just reason and heart all toghether. I am in remorse.  But I will face the pain and get on with my new life.  

[lashout]

I think you should let him go and focus on yourself.

It would be showing kindness and compassion to yourself and to him.

You might be a little to fragile for a guy with other commitments.

Be well and check out some of the other things this site provides. There is alot of support and information out there.

Good luck to both you and your friend.

[Annaleigh]

    We can get so wrapped up in worrying about their stuff that we let our stuff kind of get lost in the shuffle.  They are like hurt little kids that pull on our heartstrings.  Then they start stomping on our hearts.  Ouchie! :'(

[lashout]

I agree Annaleigh. Big nasty kids-playground bullies playing us for fools

[whatarideout]

Why are you so mean to me saying all this nasty stuff?

You make it sound like im a pervert ...

I have become a mess after this 18 months

But I know I will get out.

But I dont need your answers to who I am or not.That was hurting me.

you will get nowhere by playing the victim.

[lashout]

that is the truth!

Stay strong and keep on keeping on and dont look back.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

I agree with the last post. Somethings not quite right with this picture.

Your fella sounds a wee bit confused; not quite in the game and not quite out. Nothing wrong with that.

What is it you want optimistic? This guy or a guy? How long have you known him? have you put too much pressure on him?... .sounds like he has other obligations (job, daughter)... .is that going to work for you? That might be the question you need to ask yourself, and that maybe he is trying to get you to ask yourself.

He might be an ok guy.

I must say I like it when you say he might be an ok guy.

Maybe, in two weeks he will be sending a mail asking me if I want to come with him to a spa- hotell, bring my swimsuit and we will eat good food, have sex, talk, ... and I know that picture of the two of us togheter is very good.

And I need to realise that he is a father with a small child, I am doone with that type of work and commitment (- I miss it ), but I realise that I dont want another child and devote all my hours - as I did for all my 3 kids- (yes I worked + +), I am little shocked that I am finished with small kids... Its very hard work being an only father from thursday to monday every other week, so I know he is tired. And he has a work that takes 10 hours a day, a big house he do himself. He is eager to keep himself active so he goes to the gym 3 times a week. He is very clever with many things, and he takes care of himself. I find him a caring person, and when I met him he always sat in his own chair, now he always sit by me, stroking and massagin my feet and toes all by my self, we watch movies togheter or car shows... .I am very attracted to him.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

Why are you so mean to me saying all this nasty stuff?

You make it sound like im a pervert ...

I have become a mess after this 18 months

But I know I will get out.

But I dont need your answers to who I am or not.That was hurting me.

you will get nowhere by playing the victim.

Thanks.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

that is the truth!

Stay strong and keep on keeping on and dont look back.

Yes, I feel I am blossom to a not-looking-back-mode...

[lashout]

sounds good.

be well.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

I think you should let him go and focus on yourself.

It would be showing kindness and compassion to yourself and to him.

You might be a little to fragile for a guy with other commitments.

Be well and check out some of the other things this site provides. There is alot of support and information out there.

Good luck to both you and your friend.

I need that. Thank you.

I have been looking at sites about detachment that leads to freedom, it sounds sweet and good. Im not familiar with the word codependence... do I need to know about that to be free?

[lashout]

co-dependence is a key word.

we all need to look at ourselves (not the other person) as we take in what it means to be co-dependent.

We either are co-dependent or we're seeking someone else who is... .thats for you to define and you will be on your way to a better understanding of who you attract and who attracts you. Read it and read it and read it... .and you will understand. Good luck!

[TheOptimisticWoman]

co-dependence is a key word.

we all need to look at ourselves (not the other person) as we take in what it means to be co-dependent.

We either are co-dependent or we're seeking someone else who is... .thats for you to define and you will be on your way to a better understanding of who you attract and who attracts you. Read it and read it and read it... .and you will understand. Good luck!

ok, do you have site you would recommend on co- dependency?

[ItsAboutTime]

The site I'd recommend would be 'bpdfamily.com', That's right, you're going to find nearly all the information about anything you would like to discovery right here under the 'Home' tab, then the 'Articles' tab.

[lashout]

Thanks for posting that information; I only joined myself on Saturday, so didnt know the answer to the question on where to find.

It was nice e-mailing with you.

[ItsAboutTime]

Welcome to the forum lashout. I know you'll find there's more information and articles in this site to go through than any other.   

[lashout]

Thank you! I wish I'd done this a long time ago... .I couldve saved my friends the trouble of listening to my crazy-ass tales of "ok how screwed up is this?".

[Clearmind]

Healthy r/s are about setting boundaries and having them respected. If you are undecided at this stage then request that he calls you on x day. That is not too much to ask. If he agrees then doesn't then actions speak louder than words. You have a right to ask this of him. It's 2 weeks after all.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

Healthy r/s are about setting boundaries and having them respected. If you are undecided at this stage then request that he calls you on x day. That is not too much to ask. If he agrees then doesn't then actions speak louder than words. You have a right to ask this of him. It's 2 weeks after all.

I think ( or I feel now) that I can find strenght not to contach him those 2 weeks he will be busy, buts its hard as today my car broke down and he fix things like that. I am prepared that he will then a) send me an invitation of some sort b) he will not. I really hope I want to be abel to decide even now or before those weeks has pased what I want to do, namelig leave him for good. I could of course say to myself that I want a last date with him (without him knowing) if that could make me feel stronger and empowered. Suck the last kisses out of him... .save for lonely days... .feed up my heart... .

But maybe Im just fooling my self ? I could instead learned the lessons of detachment to freedom, and I guess doing a small tiny the last night thing isnt a part of that? Could I try LC when he comes back and not touch him? Do I see myself beeing a friend, me helping out with babysitting and he helping me out with carproblems? Im I dreaming? naive?

[2010]

I want a last date with him (without him knowing) if that could make me feel stronger and empowered. Suck the last kisses out of him... .save for lonely days... .feed up my heart... .

TOW, Why do you think of yourself as a vampire? What happens when you need new blood? What are you trying to get from this man that you cannot give yourself?

To become whole (independent,) a woman has to do the things that she believes only men can do for her. For instance, It would be possible to call a professional mechanic to fix your car and it would not become an emotional trade issue with a boyfriend. When romantic partners begin to trade off chores in dating, a subconscious tally is held above their heads of score keeping. The score keeping can then be used to keep another person in guilt and shame. Neither one of you want to guilt the other. That means becoming independent and handling your own needs.  He has written you an email stating that he hasn't the time for your needs. You must honor and respect that. 

[TheOptimisticWoman]

I want a last date with him (without him knowing) if that could make me feel stronger and empowered. Suck the last kisses out of him... .save for lonely days... .feed up my heart... .

TOW, Why do you think of yourself as a vampire? What happens when you need new blood? What are you trying to get from this man that you cannot give yourself?

To become whole (independent,) a woman has to do the things that she believes only men can do for her. For instance, It would be possible to call a professional mechanic to fix your car and it would not become an emotional trade issue with a boyfriend. When romantic partners begin to trade off chores in dating, a subconscious tally is held above their heads of score keeping. The score keeping can then be used to keep another person in guilt and shame. Neither one of you want to guilt the other. That means becoming independent and handling your own needs.  He has written you an email stating that he hasn't the time for your needs. You must honor and respect that.  

I can see that. But what do you think about this?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jSYPQm23Bc&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

[TheOptimisticWoman]

I want a last date with him (without him knowing) if that could make me feel stronger and empowered. Suck the last kisses out of him... .save for lonely days... .feed up my heart... .

TOW, Why do you think of yourself as a vampire? What happens when you need new blood? What are you trying to get from this man that you cannot give yourself?

To become whole (independent,) a woman has to do the things that she believes only men can do for her. For instance, It would be possible to call a professional mechanic to fix your car and it would not become an emotional trade issue with a boyfriend. When romantic partners begin to trade off chores in dating, a subconscious tally is held above their heads of score keeping. The score keeping can then be used to keep another person in guilt and shame. Neither one of you want to guilt the other. That means becoming independent and handling your own needs.  He has written you an email stating that he hasn't the time for your needs. You must honor and respect that. 

I think in a way I still have a dream about being his Jesus   and help him get connected to his feelings he got detached from when he wasnt aloud to come to his mother bed as she was dying from cancer. I so much want to be a saver, so I rather kind of loosing myself trying to do this. Of course I dont want to loose myself, but looking back this latest half year his rage is pretty much absent. Now the trouble is that he becomes stressed of work etc and goes into this dissociation where he feel numb, without contact with himself, he feels like a noperson wih no Identity, and when that happens he doesnt want to see me or have contact at all.

I can stay and wait until he get a connection to himself again, or I can leave him be and get out of his life and start a new life on myown(Im more and more there). Or I could help him get in therapy to get his detached him get in contact with his little him who has feelings... .

I do want to give myself all the things I want in life. Yes. But I know also that its very good to have a nice caring relationship. Maybe its not possibly with him.

Maybe I must stop to being a vampire, yes...  

[Annaleigh]

We use worrying about them to avoid our own 'stuff' and our feelings.

It's an addiction.  ;p

[OTH]

We use worrying about them to avoid our own 'stuff' and our feelings.

It's an addiction.  ;p

This is very true. A difficult thing to admit to ourselves. A thing many of us share in common with our BPD. A lack of self awareness.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

 Reading about

Mindfulness is one of the core concepts behind all elements of DBT. It is considered a foundation for the other skills taught in DBT, because it helps individuals accept and tolerate the powerful emotions they may feel when challenging their habits or exposing themselves to upsetting situations.



... And also reflect on: He loved me as best as he knew how.   I loved him the best I knew how.

Now starts the long road where : I am learning to love myself and I give myself all what I need. ;p

[blackandwhite]

This thread has reached the four-page limit. Feel free to start another!



B&W