The Five Stages of Abandonment - Susan Anderson, MSW
bb12:
For mine, the damage done during the INTERNALIZING phase is the most serious. Long after they have gone, we have been painted black and we have stopped trying to find decency or closure from them, the little voice in our heads... . the inner critic... . can do some massive harm.
Long after I felt my depression had lifted, I came to experience some cripplingly low levels of self-esteem. I didn't trust myself and I didn't trust other people. I couldn't meet anyone's gaze for too long. And public speaking or any sort of group attention paralyzed me with fear.
Upon re-reading this article (thanks GreenMango for bumping it up), after a solid 20 months since the final break-up, I realise the many subtleties of the damage a borderline can cause. We need to remind ourselves constantly that what they are implying with their discard and abandonment of what seemed to be so special (even to them) should not be taken as truth. We cannot let the behaviour of a mentally ill person define us. We need to believe ourselves and not them. Such hard work... . and such a layered type of cruelty... . but the only way to fully recover from these things is to absolutely not INTERNALIZE too much. Explore yourself and why you jumped in but do not take on any more than your share. It is a slippery slope and energetically ensures ongoing supply to them somehow!
I find this a fascinating and dangerous phase in the abandonment process... . and really hard to shake!
bb12
Emelie Emelie:
I also read this book after my break up. In fact I've read it a few times. I'm still in stages 2 - 3.
T. Moore:
I think that I'm at the Lifting phase of this, but occasionally find myself at 3 or 4. At #3 I'm not beating myself up per se', because I know it wasn't about me, but learning from the experiences (yes, I had two ex's with PD's) and doing my best to grow from it. #4 is a bit tricky. I don't necessarily feel anger toward them, but more so at myself for ruminating about it at times. I'm not depressed, but am thankful that I'm out of it. None of us deserve to be treated that way. I'm working through my own issues now that allowed that to happen.
heartandwhole:
Many of us arrive at bpdfamily right after a breakup and we feel like we have shattered into a million pieces. The hurt seems unbearable. The self-defense mechanisms that we hoped were protecting us from pain are gone. Can you relate to this fight or flight mode, with growing feelings of shame taking over? Or maybe you're in shock and not feeling much of anything? What can we do?
SHATTERING
Your relationship is breaking apart. Your hopes and dreams are Shattered. You are devastated, bewildered. You succumb to despair and panic. You feel hopeless and have Suicidal feelings. You feel Symbiotically attached to your lost love, mortally wounded, as if you’ll die without them. You are in Severe pain, Shock, Sorrow. You’ve been Severed from your primary attachment. You’re cut off from your emotional life-line.
Tips for moving through this stage:
Focus on this moment. Trying to plan getting through a whole day is too big a challenge. Take things literally one minute at a time.
Try to avoid numbing out with alcohol, drugs, food, or sex– it will slow down your recovery and could make things worse
Breathe. Even just a few deeper breaths will signal the nervous system to relax, and bring much needed oxygen into your body.
Get very specific, focus on your senses, and concentrate on one thing for as long as you can, like the taste in your mouth, or the air passing through your nostrils. This might be 30 seconds at first, but it will grow if you keep trying.
Bananas:
What is/was the biggest challenge of this stage for you?
Coming to terms with, and trying to wrap my head around how this person I loved and trusted above everyone else could devalue me overnight in such a cold and harsh manner. I am a problem solver and I have a need to understand. Why did he do that? How could he do that? This person that I was so close to, that I thought I understood to be so much like me! I could never ever treat someone like that. Nothing made sense. My mind couldn't resolve it. In some ways I am still a little stuck here, trying to understand.
What actions did you take to cope with Shattering? :)id they help?
I knew something was wrong when I couldn't move on and I felt so stuck after a month or so. I have always been able to get over things pretty quickly or at least feel like I am slowly moving forward. I was moving in circles. I was barely functioning. I was on a desperate search for answers. Found myself here after googling. This message board has saved my life. One of the ambassadors suggested I go to therapy, I did and still am in therapy.
What mistakes did you make and what did they teach you?
While in the relationship and looking back: ignoring my gut. Ignoring HUGE red flags. When out of the relationship trying to "chase the end of the rainbow" and get back what I had that I though was so great. Trying so hard to see that person I thought I knew and somehow make things be OK. Thinking I had to make things OK to move forward. (still a little stuck here too).
What other tips and advice do you have for helping move through Shattering?
Talk to as many trusted people as you can, therapist, friends and family members. Share your story here. You are not crazy and you are not alone. Before this mess I was a very confident person with high self-esteem. My ex broke me down to nothing. I am getting myself back. If I wasn't sharing my story that wouldn't be happening.
Learn what you can about PDs... .in the beginning it may be your obsession, but also try to spend equal time, and then much more time, working on yourself and learning about tools to help you, such as mindfulness, radical acceptance, etc. Surround yourself with positive people. Enjoy the beauty of nature. Exercise and eat healthy. Put all the care and concern you put into your ex into yourself. This may be hard at first, it was an extremely uncomfortable and unnatural concept for me to do but with practice it gets easier.
I think one of the things people on this Board have in common is a good soul. Believe it and let that light shine.
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