Empaths, Genetics and Them

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So much is said about the lack of empathy in people with BPD. More and more studies show a direct correlation between a chemical in our brain Oxytocin. It's a chemical that makes us feel all warm and fuzzy when we interact with others in a nurturing or bonding way; it has also been shown to help mice stay calm when under stress. And yes, it imparts the ability to feel empathy.

Empaths have the ability to scan another's psyche for thoughts and feelings or for past, present, and future life occurrences. Many empaths are unaware of how this actually works, and have long accepted that they were sensitive to others.

Empathy is a feeling of another's true emotions to a point where an empath can relate to that person by sensing true feelings that run deeper than those portrayed on the surface. People commonly put on a show of expression. This is a learned trait of hiding authentic expression in an increasingly demanding society.

An empath can sense the truth behind the cover and will act compassionately to help that person express him/herself, thus making them feel at ease and not so desperately alone.

Empathy is Inherited

Empathy is genetic, inherent in our DNA, and passed from generation to generation. Without the DNA being passed genetically there is an inability to read and understand people and be in-tune with or resonate with others.

Being 'empaths', does it make anyone feel better knowing that their lack of empathy isn't their fault and they had no control over that emotion from their inception?

[ItsAboutTime]

So much is said about the lack of empathy in people with BPD. More and more studies show a direct correlation between a chemical in our brain Oxytocin. It's a chemical that makes us feel all warm and fuzzy when we interact with others in a nurturing or bonding way; it has also been shown to help mice stay calm when under stress. And yes, it imparts the ability to feel empathy.

Empaths have the ability to scan another's psyche for thoughts and feelings or for past, present, and future life occurrences. Many empaths are unaware of how this actually works, and have long accepted that they were sensitive to others.

Empathy is a feeling of another's true emotions to a point where an empath can relate to that person by sensing true feelings that run deeper than those portrayed on the surface. People commonly put on a show of expression. This is a learned trait of hiding authentic expression in an increasingly demanding society.

An empath can sense the truth behind the cover and will act compassionately to help that person express him/herself, thus making them feel at ease and not so desperately alone.

Empathy is Inherited

Empathy is genetic, inherent in our DNA, and passed from generation to generation. Without the DNA being passed genetically there is an inability to read and understand people and be in-tune with or resonate with others.

Being 'empaths', does it make anyone feel better knowing that their lack of empathy isn't their fault and they had no control over that emotion from their inception?

[diotima]

I disagree that empathy is genetic. Humans do not develop empathy without proper parenting early on. If you hang around some very young children, you will see a pre-empathy stage. BPDs did not get adequate caregiving despite whatever biological predisposition they might have had. There was a mismatch between the infant and the parent. The caregiver did not cue into her infant's needs. Very often the mother is a BPD too and didn't know how to cope with this particular infant, who may have been more sensitive and needed a certain kind of attunement. This is pretty well born out in the literature that I have read. Genes do not determine behavior; genes can be expressed or not. My ex is an expert in this area btw (about genes and what they can and cannot do). 

Diotima

[Lizzie]

My understanding, is that many traits (including empathy) are developed by the interaction of nature(genetics) and nurture (environment).  It would make sense that some people are born with an innate potential for a range of more or less empathetic natures, and that depending on the complex interaction of their genes and the environment their ability to empathize will develop somewhere in a range that is predetermined by their genetic code.  Genes do determine behavior, but it is more complicated then simply saying genes determine behavior.  There are numerous genes that interact with each other and also the environment(which is made up of a lot of people, places and things).  Some genes get switched on and others never do.  It's complex and way over my general knowledge. 

I don't think that it's certain that BPDs do or don't have the ability to empathize.  Personally, I lean toward them being low and poor empathizers.  Some of them might be better empathizers than others, but there does seem to be a common theme many of them lacking empathy and that's been my personal experience.  With my personal thoughts that they tend to be sucky at empathizing, No it doesn't make me feel any better that perhaps it isn't their fault.

Once you become toxic and destructive, harming others, you are responsibility for the damage inflicted on others.   ASPDs, NPDs, child molesters, etc. also can't help what they are and also show abnormal brain scans, also have histories of abuse, etc. and for some reason they don't ellicit great sympathy and pity that BPDs seem to get from a lot of people. Although, all of those types are also good at getting sympathy as a means of manipulating people, just like BPDs.  Honestly, I find them all repulsive, but I'm working on finding more compassion for everyone, including these losers ;p

[Lizzie]

Very often the mother is a BPD too and didn't know how to cope with this particular infant, who may have been more sensitive and needed a certain kind of attunement.

If there are a high percentage of pwBPD who have parents with BPD, that could just as much point to a genetic link to BPD traits, possibly lack of empathy being part of it. 

[Willy]

I strongly believe human behavior is the outcome of 50% genes and 50% environment. I also strongly believe people with a PD are fully responsible for their actions and should be held accountable.

I do believe, however, that the frequent drug use of pwBPD also has to do with their chemical inbalance.

[Sofie]

I also disagree that empathy is genetic - and I don't think BPD is either. I don't discount that there may be genetical and biological factors at play, but I don't think it should be over-looked that there's a very strong correlation between the development of BPD and/or lack of empathy and childhood trauma. In fact, I've never heard of a person with BPD who had a "normal" childhood.

My ex-pwBPD grew up under such abusive circumstances that I believe anyone, including myself, would have suffered permanent psychological damage from them - there was nobody there to show her what love was, what care was, what being responsible was, what being emphatic meant. How was she supposed to learn?

As I said, I recognize that there may be genetical components at play as well, but I believe that the development of empathy can be seriously stunted if not growing up in loving and caring surroundings, and I see BPD and the "disturbed" empathy, which I believe to be part of the disease, as being much more about arrested development than anything else.

I'm not saying any of this to excuse the actions of people with BPD, but I do think that merely looking for the magical answer in genes could cause us to overlook the immense impact and responsibility that family and other caregivers have for the psychological development of the children in their care.

[TheSomberlain]

Behavior is genetically linked from personality to innate behaviors. There are plenty of caring parents who offer plenty of support on these forums. Anyone who says that BPD stems from poor parenting is one click away from being shown otherwise. Often BPD children have poor childhoods because they are raised by BPD parents. I've seen it first hand. All three generations in one room. Others have offered anecdotal information based on observation just as I have given. However, there is plenty of anecdotal evidence that you can acquire on this very website to question it.

To say that genetics plays no part on behavior is the same to say genetics plays no part on eye color. I don't know how versed any of you are on genetics. Even temperament can be linked to a single gene. For example, the D4DR gene housed on chromosome 11 is the novelty seeking gene which influences behavior. The D4DR gene affects the neurotransmitter dopamine. This in turn controls excitement levels.

It has been shown that the left amygdala in BPD patients is overactive. Just as individuals with psychopathy have amygdala dysfunction.

"The amygdala is involved in aversive conditioning and instrumental learning (LeDoux, 1998). It is also involved in the response to fearful and sad facial expressions (Blair et al, 1999). The amygdala is thus involved in all the processes that, when impaired, give rise to the functional impairments shown by individuals with psychopathy. It is therefore suggested that amygdala dysfunction is one of the core neural systems implicated in the pathology of psychopathy (Patrick, 1994; Blair et al, 1999)."

Amygdala activity can be just as inherited as dopamine regulators.

Mental illness, I believe, is at least inherited. Genes are affected by our environment. Some lay dormant until interactions in the environment cause them to be expressed. Allergies are a good example. One can never know they're allergic to peanuts without ever having them. Lets not forget genes can be mutated or lay dormant throughout one's life. I.e. not all parents on these forums has BPD but may have passed the gene and/or a child's gene may have be slightly altered. Dr. Kreisman also argues a genetic component to BPD.

[Ace]

My wife's mom is a definate possible BPD, at least she was emotionally abusive, but my wife's (half) sister there is no doubt in my mind she is BPD, same relationship issues, has sex with married men, has a kid with a married man, always finds things wrong with the guys she dates, finds losers to date since she can easily abandon them.  It came out when my wife's father passed away in March that he had sexually abused my wife's (half) sister.  It then came out that some of his daughters from his previous marriage claim the same thing.  My wife has never told me he abused her, but who knows.  Dysfunction breeds dysfunction.  It all comes down to probabilities.  It is more likely to become BPD if one of your parents is BPD.  If not, then it is less likely, but still possible.

[Finallyfree123]

I don't think empathy itself is genetic. I think the ability to empathize is genetic.

Then it's up to the parents to teach that trait to their child so it can develop in a healthy way.

Same for BPD- I'm sure the pre-dispostion can be there if 1 or both parents have it. But I wonder if a child with BPD parents was raised by emotionally healthy parents would that child develop BPD? I highly doubt it.

[ItsAboutTime]

It's likely that for some individuals, the genetic risk factors for BPD are so strong that the development of BPD is not preventable. For these individuals, even in a nurturing childhood environment, BPD will develop. However, research suggests that this is fairly uncommon. 

While nothing can be done about genes, it is possible to alter the childhood environment to reduce an individual's risk of having BPD. For example, there is evidence that childhood maltreatment or early separation from caregivers may increase risk for BPD, so creating a nurturing environment and making every effort to keep a child bonded to at least one supportive caregiver is critical.

[diotima]

I didn't say genes have no effect on behavior. I said that some people may be more predisposed toward BPD. That said, brain maturation is dependent on interaction with a caregiver. An expert in this area is Allan Schore. His two books are Affect Regulation and the Origins of the Self and Affect Dysregulation and the Disorders of the Self--meticulous documentation from an array of neurobiologists, psychiatrists, and psychoanalysts. I also didn't say "poor parenting." That is too simple. I said "misattunement." Now in the case of my ex, his mother was BPD. A parent doesn't have to be BPD to not be able to attune to an infant that would be predisposed to a PD.

Diotima

[TheSomberlain]

But I wonder if a child with BPD parents was raised by emotionally healthy parents would that child develop BPD? I highly doubt it.

Why?

[Ace]

I think the reasoning is that the healthy parents would teach the kid to trust and how to function healthy in relationships regardless of the genes that kid may have.  I tend to agree to some extent. 

Another thing to consider is the difference between low and high functioning BPD's. Is this a combination of less/more dysfunction while they were growing up and possibly better/worse genetic makeup and predisposition to BPD?

[Finallyfree123]

But I wonder if a child with BPD parents was raised by emotionally healthy parents would that child develop BPD? I highly doubt it.

Why?

I'm not saying it can't develop, but I think that if you remove the main causes:

Childhood abuse. Many people with the disorder report being sexually or physically abused during childhood. Neglect. Some people with the disorder describe severe deprivation, neglect and abandonment during childhood.

Then add the healthy modeling the brains needs to develop that those emotional systems will form healthy patterns in most cases.

Almost 90% of the brains development is done within the first 5 years of life. This means the brain is most malleable and formative during these early years.

Most of the brain's cells are formed before birth, but most of the connections among cells are made during infancy and early childhood.

Early experience and interaction with the environment are most critical in a child's brain development.

[diotima]

 A little more: affect regulation is necessary for a stable sense of self and dependent on brain maturation, specifically during the preverbal dyadic stages. If there is misattunement between the caregiver and the infant, proper affect regulation does not occur. This stage has to be more or less successfully negotiated in order for trust and empathy to happen. During this preverbal stage the child has to learn to be able to evoke affectively an image of the caregiver in his/her absence as a means of self-soothing. This in turn is correlated with certain right brain development involved in affect regulation. No (or little capacity for) affect regulation=no (or little) trust and no (or little) later capacity to develop empathy for others. This is based primarily on Schore's book Affect Regulation and the Origins of the Self.

Diotima

[diotima]

Brandrew,

Yes, that sounds about right. One thing I would add is that the brain is way more plastic than people used to think and so reprogramming can occur. Takes a lot of work, e.g., DBT and Schema therapy and certain kinds of transference therapy. But, yes, a whole lot of stuff happens in those early years that sets the stage--or in the case of BPD, doesn't set the stage for being able to self-regulate. What a mess!

Diotima

[ItsAboutTime]

If a parent is aware that their child will be born with genetic markers for BPD due to the fact that either they are diagnosed BPD or have a first-degree relative that has been diagnosed BPD, then it would be crucial that the parent provide an environment that will reduce the risk of their child having BPD.

Unfortunately most BPDs are not even diagnosed, so a parent or a relative with BPD would not even be aware of the genetic predisposition to it. 

[diotima]

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18439623 According to this study (and one other I found) there is no way as yet to correlate genetic predisposition to BPD.

It's a real mystery exactly what the predisposition is.

Diotima

[Lizzie]

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18439623 According to this study (and one other I found) there is no way as yet to correlate genetic predisposition to BPD.

It's a real mystery exactly what the predisposition is.

Diotima

Sorry, I interpret the findings on this study a bit differently.  It just says "The aim of the present study was to test for associations between SCN9A gene variants and BPD as well as BPD-related phenotypes."  and "Although our results were largely negative, replication studies in an independent sample are warranted to follow up on the potential role of SCN9A gene variants in BPD and dissociative symptoms, paying special attention to a possible gender different etiology".  This is a study where they are seeking to correlate BPD with 1 specific genetic location.  :)oes anyone know how many genes there are in the human code, isn't it in the many thousands?  

There's another study on same site I glanced out that says-"Genetic and environmental factors lead to brain alterations that are the basis for specific presentations of the disorder, such as self-injurious and impulsive aggressive behavior."

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12397842

I doubt there is ever going to be a study that can link a single gene to the development of BPD b/c of the way genes interact with each other and the environment to result in disorders.  It's not going to be as simple as here is the gene that causes BPD.  Maybe, but seems unlikely.  Think of someone who is diabetic, there are different genes depending on ethnicity that increase risk for developing it.  Perhaps there are different genes that will correlate higher to certain characteristic of BPD such as impulsivity.  Perhaps there are different subsets of clusters of BPD symptoms that go along with certain genes.  And perhaps the genetic tendency toward higher or lower empathy can explain a lower ability to empathize in BPDs (in concert with their environment). 

I'm also hesitant to completely believe all stories of abuse by BPDs.  I'm sorry if that sounds cold.  Maybe it's my experience with a pwBPD who was a horrible bully while constantly claiming to be the victim.  I just don't have a lot of faith in self reports by pwBPD.  They seem to have a tendency to be abusive while claiming they are being abused.  Who is to say that their childhood self reports are often accurate.  This is not to discount that some are abused.  But a lot of people are abused as children and don't develop BPD.  I think that pwBPD cling to identities and that many find an identity in being the victim b/c of the attention and all the other stuff it gets them from those around them.  I recall a section in the book walking on eggshells about a support group for parents of BPDers where it's noted that many of the parents had been accused of abuse, and obviously were denying anything had happened.  I

[ItsAboutTime]

The study that you've referenced was done specifically on the SCN9A gene and what role that particular gene played in the inability to sense pain and whether or not there was an association between SCN9A gene variants and BPD as well as BPD-related phenotypes.


"Genes and genetic variations reported to be linked to BPD have also been studied for their reported association with suicide, aggressiveness and impulsiveness. Results: Genetic variations in serotonergic system-linked genes are the candidates most studied and most widely reported to be associated with BPD. Genes involved in the cathecolaminergic pathway such as the cathecol-o-metyl-transferase (COMT) or dopamine transporter (DAT1) genes have also been shown to be related with BPD. All these genes have generally shown inconsistent associations with BPD-related traits. Conclusions: Despite the low number of studies assessing the role of genetic markers on the genesis and development of this disorder, scientific evidence suggests that serotonin-related genes may be linked to BPD. Further effort and more in-depth studies of the relationship between serotoninergic and cathecholaminergic-related genes and BPD are needed. Moreover, other genes linked to aggression and impulsiveness should be taken into account."

Ref: ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry, Vol.11 (2): July – December 2010.

www.aseanjournalofpsychiatry.org/pdf/ASEAN_110203.pdf

[diotima]

Interesting... .then the question would be about the role of the environment in expression of genetic (or any) predisposition given the massive amount of information about caregiver role in learning affect regulation.

Diotima

[ItsAboutTime]

Whether there was a nurturing environment in childhood, drug or alcohol use as an adult. All are contributing factors. How many have xBPD's that have a drug or alcohol problem?

Genes, heredity, environment, friends, drugs, alcohol. There's many combinations that create monsters.

[Ace]

I thought drugs and alcohol were coping mechanisms for those with BPD.  My wife does not do drugs and has done them maybe once in her life and she doesn't drink more than a few drinks a year.  But she does eat as a coping mechanism many times binge eating.  She has told me on before that she wants to eat herself to death since she doesn't have the guts to kill herself.  Many with BPD are diagnosed depressed, such as my wife.  I don't think it should come as a surprise that many people who are in fact just depressed, turn to drinking and drugs for self medication.  I think those with BPD are so unhappy that they will turn to an addiction for relief.  My wife's drug of choice is food.  It is the lack of self soothing I think that drives them to the addiction.

Seeing my wife's family, there is no doubt in my mind that it is either genetic or bad parenting or some combination of the two... .no doubt. 

[2010]

BPD is not a chemical imbalance in the brain at birth. Please, please, please stay away from studies like these that link Big Pharma and sales of medication to control a personality disorder. While medication is the lender of last resort for suicidal impulses -these studies are suggestions for drugging the emotions to stabilize a suicidal patient.  Big Pharma writes these up as suggestions for drugging the emotions.  Drugging is the last resort after all other efforts have failed.

Borderline is not a chemistry issue- it is a developmental arrest. Babies are not born with BPD, their brains are not imbalanced- but they experience fear as the outcome of a failure to separate/individuate.  All psychologically healthy humans become self sufficient at the age of autonomy (18-36 months.) That's the time we realize that Mother is not a part of us- and we can walk into another room without fear that she will be gone when we return. If Mother does leave us or never lets us wander to the other room- there is developmental arrest.

Borderline is the fear of annihilation (whether leaving the room and being killed or never being allowed to leave the room and being subjugated) and abandonment (if I leave the room will Mother still be there when I return?) This fear keeps Borderlines in a heightened sense of annihilation/abandonment anxiety and consequently they cling to people in order to stop the insufferable abandonment depression and separation anxiety that is/was necessary for *becoming whole*

Because Borderlines do not suffer the depression of becoming separate and whole, they remain as part time selves; good when they are valued and bad when the attachment "withdraws."  This is an attachment disorder that swings wildly back and forth due to distorted perceptions (hence the Border name because its on the fence between neurosis and psychosis) of attachments. All of this is re-lived over and over again in a repetitious compulsion to re-work that failure to "be."

Borderline goes beyond neurotic and becomes maladaptive. If the separation anxiety is never achieved, the abandonment depression never felt, the "self" personality can never emerge with free will to act with self determination.

It is important to note almost all humans are born neurotic, (an amount of neurosis is a good thing.) Neurosis keeps you from getting too close to the ledge and protects you from impulsive regret. Too much or too little and it becomes a psychosis, which is a maladaptive perception.

For the most part, Borderlines have suffered intense enmeshment in childhood- either from an overbearing, subsuming parent or a neglectful one. There doesn't have to be overt child abuse, there can also be covert abuse. Parents who do not allow their children to grow up are abusive. (To love too much is also abuse, as it objectifies a child and never allows a child to leave.) For these reasons, most Borderlines are emotionally deprived of "self" and therefore they may try the only way out of this predicament by testing the attachment bond with entitlement. This starts out healthy at first and then becomes compulsive and in many ways appears like narcissism. Frustration tolerance is low and impulse control is almost non-existent. These counterattacks are the distorted beliefs that they are under someone else's power and not their own.  Defectiveness and subjugation are internal conflicts that utilize "other" dependent part time players in order to feel temporarily "whole."

A Borderline personality is a part time self. Borderline is a behavior that seeks to make a whole person by using another person to attach to. Hope this makes sense.

[eeyore]

thank you 2010 I found that helpful.

[ItsAboutTime]

*The evidence of benefit for antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, and omega-3 fatty acids is weak. Antidepressants, antipsychotics and mood stabilisers (such as lithium) are regularly used however to treat co-morbid symptoms such as depression.

Dr. Gabbard Weds, Brown Foundation Chair of Psychoanalysis and Professor of Psychiatry at Baylor College of Medicine and director of the Baylor Psychiatry Clinic. A familiar speaker at APA meetings and one of the most recognized figures in American psychiatry, Gabbard has excelled in uniting psychodynamic and psychoanalytic insights with the most up-to-date findings in genetics and neurobiology.  www.pn.psychiatryonline.org/content/46/7/11.1.full

Stanley B, Siever LJ

Department of Psychiatry, Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons, New York, NY, USA. www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19952075


I will never be convinced that BPD personalities are not caused in part to genetics and chemistry in addition to dysfunctional childhoods.

[TheSomberlain]

Borderline is not a chemistry issue- it is a developmental arrest. Babies are not born with BPD, their brains are not imbalanced- but they experience fear as the outcome of a failure to separate/individuate.  All psychologically healthy humans become self sufficient at the age of autonomy (18-36 months.)

So would you say there is no genetic predisposition to BPD? I just want to be clear because Kreisman in "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" posits that many chromosomal loci are "activated or subdued" in conjunction to manifest BPD (for those talking about a single gene). Wouldn't said "failure to separate/individuate" be at least partially at the helms of genetic coding that may determine the effectiveness to do so? Even babies have different temperaments.

I would not argue that there is no environmental factor at play, but to say other mental illnesses can be readily inherited via genetic coding but not BPD seems suspect. Even statistically, those with a borderline parent are more likely to develop BPD, which suggests a genetic/neurobiological root. Otherwise it would develop sporadically (i.e. like most forms of cancer due to random mutation of cells).

It is not a chemical imbalance but rather genetic coding that creates the BPD temperament and thought process just as much as genes influence the thought processes of introverts/extroverts, feelers/thinkers, etc.

Furthermore, the study of genetics shows that not all genes are turned on (or expressed) once born. To say a baby is not "born" with BPD is a statement that even a lot of experts and geneticists would be apprehensive about saying. Genes turn on and turn off throughout the course of life. Hence the majority of mental illnesses manifesting in late teen/early adulthood stages.

Lastly, a babies brain may not be "imbalanced" as it is still maturing (and has a lot more of maturation). Same as saying a male child is not born with a beard but will be able to grow one once puberty begins. Would you say the brain scans that show an over-active left amygdala in those with BPD are a result purely of environmental factors or genetic coding that resulted in over-activity?

I'm not disagreeing with the environmental factors but I cannot and will not throw out the genetic component that has been shown to be linked to a lot more than we had thought in the past. I do not think it is purely environmental. The overbearing parents most likely had BPD themselves.

[2010]

IAT, the first article is about transference, not drugs. The second link is a research grant that is asking for money. In the transference article, the author states how important it is for clients to feel that they can trust the therapist.

"Such anomalies, in complex interaction with childhood trauma common among borderline patients, can result in the phenotypic behavior recognized as the symptoms of BPD: impulsive aggression, lack of affective control, and a profound mistrust born out of early disruption in the development of emotional attachment.

Today, transference-focused psychotherapy, developed by Kernberg and emphasizing interpretation of the transference as an agent of behavioral change, is one of several psychotherapies proven effective for BPD."

“In the 35 years I have been involved in psychiatry, we have gone from viewing these people as a chronically mentally ill subgroup to a group that has an eminently treatable condition with a relatively good prognosis,” Gabbard said. “Today, we can approach patients and families with considerable hopefulness.”

All he is saying is that fear creates anxiety and anxiety changes the neural pathways of the brain.  In much the same way that firefighters learn to suppress their limbic, Borderlines can too.

Medicating or "chemically lobotimizing" a client with an overactive limbic without teaching effective management skills to self soothe the fear is really a last ditch draconian measure.  Many Borderlines do fall into the chemical dependency trap because of "other-dependent" objectification. The "other-dependent" believes that medication will help with the Borderline distorted belief system. Unfortunately drugs just play right into the Borderline's defectiveness schema. Drugs determine that the Borderline is defective and in a one-down position. That's the *transference* that your link warns about reinforcing.

The belief system, (not the brain chemistry) needs to be tested in a trusting bond with the hopeful outcome of becoming a whole human without fearing annihilation or abandonment to the point of stopping the therapy because of the anxiety. No drugs necessary if done correctly and confrontation is controlled and growth is encouraged. Kernberg and Kohut had the same ideas about Borderline but different treatment methods- Kernberg having the most prolific mention in current publications because he is still alive.

[diotima]

2010: yes, it is an attachment disorder and the dyadic failure at these early stages affects brain development--for one, the parts of the brain responsible for affect regulation, which is necessary to make it through the detachment phase. Excellent description btw.

My ex's mother was BPD. Her other two children did not turn out to be BPD, although one of them is pretty messed up--he remained terribly enmeshed. My ex was the first born and having met his mother before she died, I honestly don't know how my ex survived at all other than by his formidable intelligence (diabolical). He has almost no ability to self-soothe. Babies do have different personalities, wherever that comes from, and mothers do better with some types than others. It could be that emotional regulation would have been an issue with my ex no matter who his mother was, but his mother couldn't rise the occasion. It also could be that she was worse with her first born.

Diotima

[TheSomberlain]

Babies do have different personalities, wherever that comes from, and mothers do better with some types than others.

Diotima

Temperaments. Don't change words. I don't condone wikipedia but it works for this purpose.

Alexander Thomas, Stella Chess, Herbert G. Birch, Margaret Hertzig and Sam Korn began the classic New York Longitudinal study in the early 1950s regarding infant temperament (Thomas, Chess & Birch, 1968). The study focused on how temperamental qualities influence adjustment throughout life. Chess, Thomas et al. rated young infants on nine temperament characteristics each of which, by itself, or with connection to another, affects how well a child fits in at school, with their friends, and at home. Behaviors for each one of these traits are on a continuum. If a child leans towards the high or low end of the scale, it could be a cause for concern. The specific behaviors are: activity level, regularity of sleeping and eating patterns, initial reaction, adaptability, intensity of emotion, mood, distractibility, persistence and attention span, and sensory sensitivity. Redundancies between the categories have been found and a reduced list is normally used by psychologists today.[3]Jerome Kagan and his colleagues have concentrated empirical research on a temperamental category termed "reactivity." Four-month-old infants who became "motorically aroused and distressed" to presentations of novel stimuli were termed highly reactive. Those who remained "motorically relaxed and did not cry or fret to the same set of unfamiliar events" were termed low reactive.[1] These high and low reactive infants were tested again at 14 and 21 months "in a variety of unfamiliar laboratory situations." Highly reactive infants were predominantly characterized by a profile of high fear to unfamiliar events, which Kagan termed inhibited. Contrastingly, low reactive children were minimally fearful to novel situations, and were characterized by an uninhibited profile (Kagan). However, when observed again at age 4.5, only a modest proportion of children maintained their expected profile due to mediating factors such as intervening family experiences. Those who remained highly inhibited or uninhibited after age 4.5 were at higher risk for developing anxiety and conduct disorders, respectively.[1]Kagan also used two additional classifications, one for infants who were inactive but cried frequently (distressed) and one for those who showed vigorous activity but little crying (aroused). Followed to age 14–17 years, these groups of children showed differing outcomes, including some differences in central nervous system activity. Teenagers who had been classed as high reactives when they were babies were more likely to be "subdued in unfamiliar situations, to report a dour mood and anxiety over the future, [and] to be more religious."[4]

Solomon Diamond described temperaments based upon characteristics found in the animal world: fearfulness, aggressiveness, affiliativeness, and impulsiveness. His work has been carried forward by Buss and Plomin, who developed two measures of temperament: The Colorado Child Temperament Inventory, which includes aspects of Thomas and Chess's schema, and the EAS Survey for Children.[3]H. Hill Goldsmith and Joseph Campos used emotional characteristics to define temperament, originally analyzing five emotional qualities: motor activity, anger, fearfulness, pleasure/joy, and interest/persistence, but later expanding to include other emotions. They developed several measures of temperament: Lab-TAB and TBAQ.[3]Other temperament systems include those based upon theories of adult temperament (e.g. Gray and Martin's Temperament Assessment Battery for Children), or adult personality (e.g.the Big Five personality traits).


... .

Most experts agree that temperament has a genetic and biological basis, although environmental factors and maturation modify the ways a child's personality is expressed.[11]

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperament

[diotima]

oops, my bad! ;p

[schwing]

I think this is a great discussion.

And I wanted to add my own 2 bits, ideas that haven't been mentioned yet (I think).

(1) Technically lack of empathy is a trait of narcissism and not borderline personality disorder; but who is to say that your BPD loved one didn't have narcissistic traits.  All I know is that the pwBPD in my life have demonstrated high degrees of perceiving accurately, other people's feelings; they were/are very sensitive people -- by my thinking, that kind of perception suggests a high degree of empathy.  Honestly I think a pwBPD could make a great therapist (provided they can maintain their professional objectivity).

However, I expect that when their own feelings are engaged, I believe these feelings overwhelm any tendency for them to perceive, to empathize with other people's feelings.  So I can see how when their own feelings are at stake, one might speculate that they don't have any ability to empathizes with the plights of others.  I only suppose that they can, just not with people (us) with whom they are dysfunctionally enmeshed.

(2) I find the discussion re: genetics vs. development interesting.  I'd like to throw some comments into the mix.  I remember reading somewhere, sometime (sorry I can't cite any references... .my bad) that some professionals (I assume) consider BPD to be a specialize expression of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD); I'm really drawn to this idea.

As I see it, we don't really have any good means to measure when anyone might actually develop PTSD.  I might speculate that it depends upon a mix of a person's temperament.  Some people might have a genetic predisposition.  And so depending upon an individual's development up until the point of their trauma experience, they might be more or less resilient in coping with the trauma.  (Of course another variable is the nature of the trauma itself.)  But for whatever reasons, given a specific traumatic event, some people walk away from it less scarred than others, and some develop PTSD.

Now.  My understanding is that BPD develops from an "abandonment trauma event" which occurred in early development (and thus arresting their emotional development).  And there are different kinds of traumas.  Some are a specific event, such as a sudden loss of a parental figure (mommy or daddy).  Some are more chronic in nature, such as repetitive abusive interaction with a parental figure. OR some may experience a *perceived* abandonment traumatic event.  And depending upon an individual's temperament (which is affected by a person's genetic predispositions and development environment up until that point), some people develop BPD, some people I imagine don't.  I guess for those who do, it affects their development there on out.  

[once removed]

I think this is a great discussion.

And I wanted to add my own 2 bits, ideas that haven't been mentioned yet (I think).

(1) Technically lack of empathy is a trait of narcissism and not borderline personality disorder; but who is to say that your BPD loved one didn't have narcissistic traits.  All I know is that the pwBPD in my life have demonstrated high degrees of perceiving accurately, other people's feelings; they were/are very sensitive people -- by my thinking, that kind of perception suggests a high degree of empathy.  Honestly I think a pwBPD could make a great therapist (provided they can maintain their professional objectivity).

However, I expect that when their own feelings are engaged, I believe these feelings overwhelm any tendency for them to perceive, to empathize with other people's feelings.  So I can see how when their own feelings are at stake, one might speculate that they don't have any ability to empathizes with the plights of others.  I only suppose that they can, just not with people (us) with whom they are dysfunctionally enmeshed.

completely agree. my ex could see the wrong, or lack of logic in any other persons behavior. she could articulate how the victim must feel as a result. she would also compare herself to other crazy girls. she'd annoy herself ranting about them until she was blue in the face, but when the situation was about her, as we're all familiar, logic/rationality/facts/etc were out the window.

i think there's something off though. i think my ex displayed a sort of 'half empathy'. she knew to show it. she knew what to do to show it. i never saw her really climb down there with me and feel it though.

[eeyore]

Schwing very interesting input... .

when I look at my BF's childhood I see two functioning parents who did their best given their circumstances.  I see two parents who raised their children in a loving Christian home.

However, when I hear my BF he describes being the youngest of 3 boys and that the two older boys picked on him.  His middle brother was very troubled and the parents spent much of their time "putting out the fires".  In essence he describes  feels he had a neglected (lack of attention) childhood where he escaped his brothers by starting working as a youth.  Neglect would not be a word he would use and I wonder why.   Could also be when he felt the abandonment.  He  says he couldn't wait to leave home and move away.  Hence not attachments.  His middle brother was in High school when he died in a car accident.   Perhaps the accident was the PTSD event after years of feeling like he didn't matter as his other brothers were more important?

And so that still leads me to to how does one over come it? 

[diotima]

Yes Schwing, interesting.

I know from having me my ex's mother that the PSTD/BPD fits given that she repeatedly shamed and abused him throughout his childhood--and she was completely unpredictable. He was very quick on the defense at the slightest hint of possible shame. He is definitely BPD but reacts the way someone does with PSTD. Also, couldn't wait to leave home.

As for empathy: he could often read other people very well but I don't think it is true empathy--it was his brilliant mind figuring out what needed to be said. He knew what to say, especially when there might be something in it for him (really good at that--manipulative). Anyway, people who don't know him are charmed by him. When it came to something involving him, his preferred mode of reaction was to attack and blame me (and others), which I am sure he learned interacting with his BPD mother. A good defense was always a pre-emptive strike.

Diotima

[bud light]

I think the genetic/environmental factors are most likely interactive.  They are finding the infant brain quite "plastic", meaning it is affected by environment, but rooted in genetics of its brain. 

For someone with infantile trauma (or abuse, as some trauma is not abuse, but a sad fate of life) their brains do not "gel" across the amygdala/limbic region for normal emotional responses.  With regard to empathy, it is quite impossible to generate empathy while someone is "smashing your toe with a large hammer"... .which is how many BPD's easily feel.

Also, trauma can be an isolated incident, even in the womb. When an infant's head is played with there can be visual/retinal hemorrhages among other issues in the brain.  Some suffer abuse as brain injuries from "shaking baby syndrome."   25% of those kids shaken by an angry parent die from hemorrhaging. So what happens to the other 75%? Also breathing constriction can cause trauma (if stopped long enough) and many other non-abusive traumas.  They say 75% of BPD sufferers have had early abuse/trauma, many with sexual abuse.  The remaining 25% could likely have a small genetic link (no matter what they will have PBD, maybe 1-3%?) and the rest of that % could have had unperceived trauma (not abuse), but difficult to discern and identify.

So, to say, that most of BPD issues are genetic, would be a real tragedy.  I think the real issue is that too many people have children who are not capable of being good parents.  And our permissive culture allows it, preferring the rights of the parent over the importance of healthy children.  As a teacher, it is the same in the schools. The bottom line for most childhood issues, is the parent (I did say "most" here, mom and dad.)  And if a BPD mother has a child it will undoubtedly have it, not primarily because of genetics, but due to her abusive, non-empathic "nurturing ability?"

Also, regarding accountability for BPD sufferers... .they aer not accountable for how they came to be, but are when they can feel something is wrong... .quite wrong.  It is also our culture and our greed to blame, as we do not have any protections in place to "hold BPD sufferers down" long enough to get them to see their plight (many are ignorant to semi-ignorant.)

After all, we hold socipaths down... .in jails, after major damage... .but we let BPD abusers and pre-incarcerated Sociopaths go as they wish, creating an unhealthy path of human carnage along the way-again, for the sake of "permissability in our culture.  Many, many unrelated people pay for this stuff, far too often.

[bud light]

but hey, dont you think Big Pharma would love to put a large "coat of genetic-pill-poppin' paint" over the whole BPD issue.  I think one must be very careful with the genetic blame game.  Big Pharma is only interested in $$.  Who cares if it only masks the symptoms of abuse outwardly, while inwardly the person is in serious pain. Hell, it makes money don't it Charlie?

[TheSomberlain]

I think the genetic/environmental factors are most likely interactive.  They are finding the infant brain quite "plastic", meaning it is affected by environment, but rooted in genetics of its brain. 

For someone with infantile trauma (or abuse, as some trauma is not abuse, but a sad fate of life) their brains do not "gel" across the amygdala/limbic region for normal emotional responses.  With regard to empathy, it is quite impossible to generate empathy while someone is "smashing your toe with a large hammer"... .which is how many BPD's easily feel.

Also, trauma can be an isolated incident, even in the womb. When an infant's head is played with there can be visual/retinal hemorrhages among other issues in the brain.  Some suffer abuse as brain injuries from "shaking baby syndrome."   25% of those kids shaken by an angry parent die from hemorrhaging. So what happens to the other 75%? Also breathing constriction can cause trauma (if stopped long enough) and many other non-abusive traumas.  They say 75% of BPD sufferers have had early abuse/trauma, many with sexual abuse.  The remaining 25% could likely have a small genetic link (no matter what they will have PBD, maybe 1-3%?) and the rest of that % could have had unperceived trauma (not abuse), but difficult to discern and identify.

So, to say, that most of BPD issues are genetic, would be a real tragedy.  I think the real issue is that too many people have children who are not capable of being good parents.  And our permissive culture allows it, preferring the rights of the parent over the importance of healthy children.  As a teacher, it is the same in the schools. The bottom line for most childhood issues, is the parent (I did say "most" here, mom and dad.)  And if a BPD mother has a child it will undoubtedly have it, not primarily because of genetics, but due to her abusive, non-empathic "nurturing ability?"

Also, regarding accountability for BPD sufferers... .they aer not accountable for how they came to be, but are when they can feel something is wrong... .quite wrong.  It is also our culture and our greed to blame, as we do not have any protections in place to "hold BPD sufferers down" long enough to get them to see their plight (many are ignorant to semi-ignorant.)

After all, we hold socipaths down... .in jails, after major damage... .but we let BPD abusers and pre-incarcerated Sociopaths go as they wish, creating an unhealthy path of human carnage along the way-again, for the sake of "permissability in our culture.  Many, many unrelated people pay for this stuff, far too often.

Highly anecdotal and dismissive of the etiology of the majority of mental illnesses. Attrition in the womb could be argued for any mental illness because it has no strong argument here. You're forgetting the chicken and egg argument. If BPD, which has also been found to house a panoply of other mental illnesses (comorbidity) is largely genetic, which is more likely than not, a parent has it as well. For a mental illness that has such a high comorbidity with other mental illnesses that are attributed through genetics, it would make little sense to say that BPD is not greatly at the helms of genetic predisposition. A mentally unstable parent begets bad parenting, naturally. There is a reason why twin studies have shown a 35% increase in development in BPD symptoms* and that BPD is FIVE times more common among first-degree relatives**.

*Torgersen S (March 2000). "Genetics of patients with borderline personality disorder". Psychiatr Clin North Am 23 (1): 1–9

**DSM IV p. 709

[nona]

having watched my own 4th child not be able to interpret my facial expressions and respond as the first 3 did... .

Im watching the brain hardwiring with my own eyes... in  a child being raised with full contact attachment parenting.

child did not bond normally like the others.

misinterprets input all the time, occasionally spontaneously expresses empathy ""whew!"

child also has uBPD daddy's genes.

my first 3 kids bonded "normally" (other genes)

more will be revealed.

i am looking at the route of the fear centers in the brain that illicit empathy.

this can apparently be completely non functioning in some "otherly functional" individuals.

[schwing]

Hi WhiteDoe,

I understand fully, that my focus must be on “me”…. What attracted me to and kept me in a relationship that was “abusive”…

Having said this, I am interested in understanding this lack of any empathy in BPD and in NPD…...

... .I don’t know why I struggle so to accept this? I guess I just cannot believe that anyone truly can be that “out of touch” with another?

I think I understand some of what it is you struggle with.  For the longest time I emphatically thought that I understood (better than anyone else, I thought) what my exBPD loved one was thinking and feeling.  In spite of the fact that some of what I believed to be true of her, directly contradicted what I was told about her and what I read about personality disorders.  For a long time after finding out about borderline personality disorder, I struggled with accepting that she suffered from it -- now, long after I've accepted it, I can see how she met many of the criteria for the disorder.

Part of the reason why I did not fully accept that she had BPD, was, I believe, because I had still continued to project many of my traits onto her; I suspect this was all a result of her mirroring me so thoroughly during our relationship.  I felt so strongly about her, that I *needed* to believe she felt similarly towards me; in spite of the fact that her last actions in our relationship contradicted what I wanted (needed) to believe about her.

It may be that you need to believe that your BPD loved one could not be so "out of touch" with you because for a long time in your relationship, you believed he was so "in touch" with you.  To believe this about him now, would negate everything you believed was true about him in your recent past -- and that can be a hard pill to swallow.

My understanding of this disorder is that at the early onset of the relationship, when their disordered feelings are not very strong, they can exhibit a great deal of empathy.  But as the relationship develops, as their disordered feelings amass, their disordered feelings override any empathy, sympathy or compassion -- what becomes most important to them is dealing with their disordered feelings, that would look a lot like a "lack of empathy."

After the horrific shock and betrayal of being “dumped” (and yet also, repeatedly being made love to over Valentine’s Day… Aghhh?) with no explanation I went into completely despair, confusion… He told me that he did not want me to join him on the HN getaway trip and that I “wasn’t the one” for him… He said that he “didn’t know why but he had to end our r/s and that it was a paradox b/c he did love me very much?… aghh?

It is a paradox, but my understanding of BPD is exactly that: the more intimately connected they feel towards someone, the more their disordered feelings (i.e., fear of abandonment) are triggered.  So in a sense, it is *because* he loved you very much that he also felt that he *had* to end your relationship.  

This doesn't make sense from a *non-disordered* (i.e., yours and mine) perspective.  But that is not his perspective.

Then, when he got back from his NH getaway with his girls (about 2 weeks later), he sent me an email… I didn’t respond – I couldn’t… He wrote me again about 3 days later saying that he was worried b/c it was not like me to “not respond” to his notes…Aghh?  

He wrote to you because at that moment he *needed* you.  It had nothing to do with his excuse for why he wrote.  One rule of thumb, one should never "listen" to what they say, "listen" only to what they do.  Their actions will tell you their meaning and intent.

When he did not need you, he treated you as if you did not exist.  When he needed you, he made you feel guilty when what is closer to the truth is that he should feel guilty for how he was treating you.

I felt physically “ill” when I got that note from him? How could any human being be that “clueless” and unfathomably cruel? It was actually a very “sweet note” but OMG?

At the time that he wrote that (and perhaps at all other times that he had known you) he was only aware of what he was going through and what he wanted.  At that time he wanted you to respond to him in a pleasant manner, so he wrote you a "pleasant" letter.

It makes me wonder if all the other times he wrote to you, he was using in effect a similar calculus.  It was just that before, without any history with him, you were reacting exactly as he would have you.  But the minute things got more complicated, his method failed to produce his desired outcome.

Is this lack of empathy for real?

Seems pretty real to me.

Is this NPD in your opinion?

He could very well be NPD comorbid with BPD.  Or perhaps he has dissociated enough memories of what had happened that he honestly had no way of anticipating your reaction.  Either way, it reveals a great deal of mental disorder on his end.

Do you believe that anyone could be soo utterly insensitive as this? Is this possible or was it intentional cruelty?

If you accept that he is mentally disordered, then you may have to give up the notion that he is merely "insensitive" or that he is horribly "cruel."  He may simply be clearly disordered.

I just can’t get my head around his behavior… Maybe I just don't get narcissism? It is surreal, unfathomable to me... .How can this be "missing", for real?

I think you can't get your head around this behavior because you have still not come to terms with how you choose to interpret it.  That's ok.  This part is your process, but don't beat yourself up over it.

Best wishes, Schwing

[nona]

I was so stuck back in OCT I went to counseling to see if validation would help, HIRED 2 ! not 1 T, he was too slick for one counselor at a time. as at this point UBPDH would dysregulate in about 5 minutes of my PRESENCE. With not only lies, delusions and rage, but EVERY ATTEMPT to elicit empathy resulted in attack or victim state. he was absolutely unable to find or demonstrate ANY EMPATHY. that cost $2000.00/4 sessions, and left me with weeks of PTSD from the counseling experience. The T's were more shocked, I was Validated, and disappointed.

I so relate to these stages we get stuck at.

I have been stuck in the damn malignant hope, pink bubble, majical thinking crap, and Im seeing haw terribly damaging this particular piece is. I am so vulnerable and dissociate from the terrible truths.

[schwing]

Hi WhiteDoe,

Feel free to start a new thread if you'd like and toss me a note so that I know where to find it.  For now I will continue to reply to your post in this thread.

I still “find excuses” to NOT believe that he is truly mentally ill. I go around in circles with my denial of this diagnosis. I seem to “fight” to believe this? How could he have been in a marriage for 25 years? How can he have replaced me so quickly and is now 10 months into another “seemingly’ successful relationship? I have had no closure, no validation of his illness. My head spins in the confusion while my heart remains broken into pieces, devastated, in despair?

Yes, he does meet the criteria for both NPD and BPD. Yes, he has a family history of personality disordered behavior. Yet, I don’t want to accept this. I feel “stuck” in my own “mental disorder”?

I remember experiencing this kind of ambivalence.  And the way I chose to interpret it was as thus: even though intellectually I accepted the situation, "emotionally" I was not yet ready to do so.  I see it as similar to trying to explain to a child the motivations and processes of an important person in their life when they are not yet ready to accept things beyond their own emotional and psychologically processes (i.e., consider a child experiencing a divorce of his/her parents).  It is not unlike when a person with BPD (pwBPD) is not yet ready to accept the possibility of their own diagnosis.

The denial serves us in the short term.  Work with it.  Not with impatience and insensitivity, but with compassion and persistence... .towards ourselves.

Sure he was in a marriage for 25 years, but that could speak to the depth of his relationships dysfunctionality, rather than as any indicator of his own mental health.  The fact that he could replace you so quickly and absolutely is a sign of a kind of attachment *disorder* -- it is a sign of his disorder and not necessarily an indicator of good mental health.

You have no closure *from him* nor will you get any.  But your own experience, your own feelings are sufficient validation of the dysfunctional nature of your relationship with him.  Your heart is broken.  And it needs to be nursed back to health.  His "heart" is operating on a wholly different paradigm.

Yes, perhaps “mirroring” had a lot more to do with how amazingly compatible we were? In our beginnings, he seemed so genuinely interested in everything that I loved? He was so willing to “try new things” with me... .This was to the point where it seemed “a little odd” to me at times? For my BDay our first year together he bought me the identical iPod gift that I had bought him for his BDay that year? Same exact iPod with the same “idea” only instead of filling the iPod full of songs that he knew I would love, he filled it full of songs that he loved? I was so touched by this gift ….but I actually already had that exact iPod model? He knew this? Hmm? Was this “mirroring”? I felt a little “awkward” when I opened it up? But, I did truly think it was sweet that he wanted to share his style of music with me?

Think of their "mirroring" as something that is not done in order to consciously manipulate people, but almost as a kind of reflex on their end.  Part of the disorder is "identity disturbances"; they literally don't know or have a sense of who they are.  So when he was reflexively mirroring you, he truly believe that everything you loved, he loved.  But when the mirroring was starting to be replaced by other disordered feelings, he still also believed that everything he loved, you would love.  Perhaps in a sense, he didn't know whose idea it was to give the iPod, it just felt like the right thing to do for him.

Yes, Schwing... .to believe that he is mentally disordered negates all that I “needed” to believe was true about the way he “loved me” and what I truly meant to him, our relationship, our passionate lovemaking, our dream of a future together... .I have not wanted to accept this!  Although my love was very real as was my commitment to “us”, he is/was incapable of true love (at least not for me?) and was merely playing out a “fantasy”... .Aghh, so painful to take in and believe, to accept?... .And so confusing to me even after knowing about BPD/NPD... .

An academically brilliant, successful lawyer who has the emotionally development of a “child”? No, I don’t want to believe it. I don’t want to believe that he never loved me and that I was an “object”, a form of narcissistic supply... .I was “used”. Yes, a very bitter pill to swallow... .You are so right on.

Don't expect to accept it overnight, or too quickly.  I don't think this is a kind of bandaid you can pull off quickly.  You can only pull off, as much as you can handle.  And recover a bit before you pull the next part off.  Compassion and persistence.

Even though it may be "true" that he used you.  That does not mean you can easily (or would want to) dismiss the very real feelings you experienced.  It will take time, patience, and diligence before you can bridge that disconnect.  Get as much support for yourself as you can muster.

He had some “seemingly” sensitive moments in our beginnings but, through my therapy, I am clearly seeing that his “sensitive” moments were self-serving... .Aghh... .It was always “all about him”... .I just thought he was “stressed out” over his ongoing divorce process... .I honestly don’t know whether or not he ever even finalized the divorce papers? And, yet he is “in love” (yes, he told me this) with someone else now?

[/color]

He is "in love" with someone else because this is the nature of his disorder... .a "pattern of intense and unstable interpersonal relationships."  I can only speculate why they do that, and I suspect that by constantly having someone external to himself to play out his psychological dissonances, he never has to face the prospect that the biggest dissonance lies within his own psyche.  As long as his problems can be blamed on someone else he will never have to come to terms with his own mental disorder.  

My therapist tells me that he was “over the top” in love with me... .That he idealized me and being “devalued” had to happen as no one can remain “on a pedestal” forever.  T tells me that my ex could NOT handle those intense feelings that he had for me, Aghh?

Well... outside of just reacting to his feelings, I don't think pwBPD have the emotional resources to carry on a healthy, adult, interpersonal relationship where there is emotional give and take, especially when the emotional stakes become high.

Aghh, so unconscionably cruel... .but, reality. When he doesn’t need me, I don’t exist. Yes, he has a new girlfriend, therefore I am now dead... .Please tell me that this is not “normal” behavior, that this is honestly personality disordered behavior, BPD/NPD? God, this hurts!

Do I need to tell you that this is not "normal"?  This kind of behavior barely passes as normal for the behavior of adolescents, much less for an academically brilliant, successful lawyer who is appropriately emotionally developed.

Sounds again, like it was always “all about him”, Schwing? I was apparently “invisible”… There only to fulfill his needs? God, how can this be humanly possible? Aghh, I get it, BPD/NPD, right?

You might try to cultivate acceptance through another angle.  :)o not try to understand *his* behavior from *his* perspective, try to understand it from *your* perspective.  You were abandoned in a cruel and absolute manner.  There was no gentle distancing.  There was no meeting of minds.  There was no mutual understanding.  He was there, very deeply in your heart and mind.  And then suddenly, he was no longer there.

One does not "get over" abandonment of this nature very easily.  And there is a great deal of denial involved in such a cruel betrayal.  You don't want to accept it because it is very very painful.  Perhaps too painful for you some of the time.  And when it is too painful, you do not accept it.  And this is ok.  Just know that your denial is there to protect you.  But make certain that your denial does not cause you to make decisions you will later regret.  In time, the denial is slowly replaced by acceptance.  So long as you continue to take care of yourself.

Yes, you are right... .His “insensitivity" and subsequent “cruelty” are “symptoms” of his mental disorder... . Is this how I should view it and find some way to put it all to rest? This seems to be so difficult for me and I am not certain why? Perhaps more of my "own" stuff... .I am so blessed to have such a patient and talented T... .I never realized how much "work" I have needed to do on "me"... .

It's not "work."  It's you taking care of yourself.  And you deserve no less.

Best wishes, Schwing