Self-Centered BPDex; a familiar dynamic?

[Lucky Jim]

Friends,

How many of you had a BPDx who was self-centered, with little or no regard for the feelings of others?  In my experience, it was "all about the pwBPD."  My Ex ignored or disregarded the impact of her actions on me.

If so, my next question is why did we fall for someone so self-involved?  In my case, it was a familiar dynamic from growing up with a self-centered mother who invalidated my feelings.  Yet now that I see the pattern, I can understand why I felt such a deep connection to my BPDxW.

Can anyone relate?

LuckyJim

[roberto516]

I posted on another post somewhere about my exe's cousin got her a christmas gift. It was a shirt that said "It's all about me." Everyone had a good laugh about that. I didn't see what was so funny . When we went camping we went to a theme park and she kept pestering me to get on a rollercoaster (I absolutely hate them!) Her other cousin, who was paling around with me told her "Stop asking him! Why are you being so selfish?" When her mom would visit I'd be out walking the dog and she would just smile as her mom would tell her "You better treat him better." Even at work she would always put herself first. we had staff that could help out when one persons work was more hectic. Every morning she would grab one of them and use them to get her work done even though she didn't have a workload that was comparable to others. She mattered first and foremost.

I could name 100 other examples but I think we get the point.

To the second point. I fell for it because, in the beginning, she needed rescuing from her "evil" ex. Fell right into my caretaking lap. Doing my own introspection I see I tried to keep my chaotic family together by being my mom's buddy and my dad's buddy. Mom wanted dad's attention so I helped mom with attention and sacrifice. Dad didn't talk to my other brothers so I became dad's best friend (WOW... .LITERALLY JUST DISCOVERED THAT LAST SENTENCE FOR THE FIRST TIME CONSCIOUSLY). So I learned that my actions and sacrifice could help others and they surely would love me for it. To top it all off she pursued me and started the flirting and sexual contact. For me, erroneously, I believe that if a woman shows interest in me like that they must really like me. Maybe true, but definitely a beacon for personality trait individuals. As the relationship began it was amazing. So many activities and fun with her taking an interest in my hobbies etc. So I got attached and so badly wanted it all back.

If I may, before we started dating and we were still coworkers and kinda getting to the dating which we knew would happen, her, myself, and two coworkers agreed to go out to dinner for my birthday. The 3 of us all lived close together but we all had to go to my exe's area for the dinner (about 45 minutes away). The one coworker drove to the bar so me and my ex could get drunk. After 1 beer my ex said she wanted to go home. she took us back to her place and I hung out for a little bit before going home.

My friend who drove us called me the next day and said "Can you believe how selfish she is? It was your birthday and she made us all come up there so she could get drunk and get home and then after 1 beer wants to leave?" I can't believe then and there I didn't say "You're right. That's selfish. I dont' want that." But no, she needed caretaking. I guess I thought she was devastated at how her ex "treated her" and I wanted to understand and care for the gentle, frail, hurt human she was because of him.

[Skip]

I see I tried to keep my chaotic family together by being my mom's buddy and my dad's buddy. Mom wanted dad's attention so I helped mom with attention and sacrifice. Dad didn't talk to my other brothers so I became dad's best friend (WOW... .LITERALLY JUST DISCOVERED THAT LAST SENTENCE FOR THE FIRST TIME CONSCIOUSLY). So I learned that my actions and sacrifice could help others and they surely would love me for it.

This is parentification.  Some severe outcomes parentified children face as adults are:

1. Unstable Relationships As Adults

A parentified child has difficulty connecting with others. The child feels that he or she may not be capable enough to sustain a relationship as they have not been successful in keeping their family together. They will break relationships because they feel incapable and unqualified to be in long term relationships.

2. Anger

One of the most noticed trait in parentified children is anger. They have outbursts for unknown reasons and they tend to become very moody. The anger can be explosive or passive.

3. Perfectionism

A parentified child creates goals since childhood to ensure everything falls into the right place at home. This trait of perfectionism grows into adulthood too.

4. Control Freak

Right from a young age, it becomes habitual for the parentified child to take control of the household matters and siblings as well, and by default, he or she begins to feel in charge of everything.

5. Fear Of Incompetency

The fear that he or she may not properly meet his or her own demands and expectations is something that never leaves a parentified child. It is one of the long term effects of parentification.

6. Confrontation Issues

Since the child has already witnessed a lot of confrontation between the parents while growing up, he looks to avoid any kind of confrontation and solves issues by escaping.

7. Becoming A Caregiver

The parentified child feels the need to care for the welfare and feelings of others more than required. He or she will go out of the way to comfort someone in need. Due to this the child hardly finds time to meet his or her needs. They always look to please others.

8. Feeling of Fraud, Failure, Shame and Anxiety

Pretending to be somebody that one is not makes one feel like an imposter. The true nature of the child doesn’t emerge and the child is always ashamed about being someone else. The child feels disconnected from the real self.

9. Acceptance Of Too Much Responsibility

The parentified child is habituated to take responsibility of more than he or she can handle even as an adult. This habit of doing extra all the time makes the parentified child a workaholic in adulthood.

10. Feeling Of Hatred Towards Parents

The child starts to blame the parent for not letting him or her grow in a normal atmosphere. In other cases, the child blames both parents as it is because of both parents that the child grows into an abnormal human emotionally. This resentment remains long after the parents have died.

Children enter this world with countless needs. Until they are old enough to take care of themselves, children are supposed to be relatively free from the demands and concerns of the adult world. The bottom line is that the child remains depressed for one reason or another because of the destructive growing years. Parentification is a kind of emotional abuse which goes unnoticed in many households. And the unavoidable result of parentification is losing one’s own childhood; something that’s every child’s right.

[roberto516]

This is parentification.  Some severe outcomes parentified children face as adults are:

Some of the outcomes ring true. Some don't seem to. But interesting nonetheless. I learned how to cope with some of these between relationships while others just lied dormant and some don't seem to be present at all. I do see a lot of them in my ex as well.

But it makes sense. About a month ago I began to see signs, clear as day, that the resentment I had towards her was actually towards my parents. I told my therapist tomorrow and we were going to do some EMDR to see whether it holds true about my parental resentment (I already know the answer as we all see).

I guess the interesting part is that the family is still together (albeit still disfunctional). Maybe by believing through my own hard work and continued sacrifice I could keep a relationship going is why when it ended I felt such a betrayal and anger.

Don't mean to hijack the thread by any means. Maybe my insight can help others. It's moments like these that I'm glad all this happened. The level of insight into myself now is so frightening but at the end of the day it is making me an all around better human being. I'm not hiding anymore. I take pride in the fact I am laying myself bare to everything about me and how I grew up.

[marti644]

This is parentification.  Some severe outcomes parentified children face as adults

And the unavoidable result of parentification is losing one’s own childhood; something that’s every child’s right.

Skip thanks for this list. It chillingly describes me and my behaviour's in intimate relationships. I actually shake a little just reading it. At the root of my issues and dysfunction is the fact that I was a parentified child. I lost most of my childhood innocence to this. This is the core my wound.

And to LJ's question: this led me to think it was natural and expected to be in a romantic relationship with someone who's focus was only on themselves (ie. self-centred individuals). My mother expected me to be a counselor and confidante from a very young age and that abusive choice (and my expectations for relationships with intimate female partners because she was my rolemodel) has stayed with me.

And to Roberto: it is frightening isn't it? But it makes "me" real to myself, which is a key to changing my differentiation behaviours and boundaries. It's a gift in the end (I bank on making it a positive thing, life is too short).

marti

[stimpy]

I have learnt so much about myself and human nature and what happens when things start to go wrong from researching on the internet and being on this web site.

I find myself nodding away to pretty much all the comments made on this thread, from the assessment that my BPDex gf was self centred and self orientated, while also playing the victim card remarkably well. And then my role in trying to play the fixer / rescuer - to be the boyfriend who would be so different to all of her other exes. I look back now with a quesy distaste of both her and also to a degree to myself. Myself because I was so naïve and unknowing, so trusting and so unaware, so easy to pick off and use. Good boundaries - yes, but did I enforce them... .no, and down the rabbit hole I went.

Yep and the parental dynamics mentioned are very familiar to me now. Was I the centre of my parents world... .no, definitely not. Were they tied up in their own relationship struggle, yes you bet and I watched them argue... .and worse... .and sometimes played the role of counsellor to both of them. I look back in a kind disgust at their selfish behaviour and what it meant for me. I became the rescuer, helper, the one in the middle. I broke contact with my parents in my mid 30's and have never felt any emotional pull to see them again. I am in my mid 50's now. I don't know what it must feel like to have caring parents who you love and who love you, it is to all intents and purposes an alien concept to me.

And roll on to now... .and a little incident about trying to grow and improve myself.

So I got to know this girl, good looking, quite a bit younger than me, but she seemed keen to meet again, and so I asked her out. Within two weeks of this, I am exasperated and angry, why, well because she is immediately doing the push / pull, sometimes not answering texts for days... .making me chase, then suddently being very chatty, then going quiet again, and saying her reply must have got lost, then... .well you get the idea. So I ended it, her behaviour is not acceptable.

Now... .oh my heavens, my internal struggle not to contact her again and try and FIX this! It is incredible. I can see myself wanting to fix this relationship mess, like watching another version of myself getting pulled into something that is potentially damaging to me. It is like an addiction. I am not addicted to her, I am addicted to wanting to fix this mess. But I am fighting this, I won't go back to her, I won't chase her, I have to ride this out. If I go back to her, it will end badly. She is charming, good looking and on the face of it, an ideal girl, but actually, she is self orientated, not bothered about me or my happiness, and is to be avoided. Welcome some cognitive dissonance for me as one part of me wants to chase her, and another part of me says, no... .Don't do it.

Before the self analysis and knowledge gaining that I have been doing, by now, I'd be running around her, and she'd be the centre of my universe, and I would already be losing myself in her games.

[vanx]

I can relate, LJ. I have thought some more about my relationship with my mother too. Maybe it is actually more of an indication of my FOO dynamic, but what really hooks me is I was never sure if she was making it all about her or if I was jumping to conclusions (not AT ALL indicating that's what's going on with anyone here--it's just the feeling that tripped me up).

When I became so attracted to her, I didn't think it was because she was self-centered of course. She seemed like one of the most empathic, sweetest people I'd met. But the disregard for my feelings, whether intentional or not, was definitely there. It came through most of all when she broke things off and said she was sick of talking about things and had nothing to say.

You raise a good question. Maybe that's it for me, I want to see the best in a person. If she seems sweet but is also hurting me, I want to believe the sweet person is the true her. I guess I defended my mom and some of her abusive behavior in the same way.