I'm BiPolar. Is He Stalking or IS It My Imagination (Not)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm new.  I have been with partner for 32 years, married, 27 years.  Separated almost 3 years.  :)ivorce process ongoing with most expensive attorneys available in area.  He took all he money, so it's on him to go forward, but everything seems to stall out in divorce process.  Mediation has been rediculious.  Judge was even surprised that particular mediator wasn't sucessfull.  :)uring that mediation over two and a half years ago, H was screaming, you could hear him in adjacient rooms - he wasn't going to let me have anything.  SELL EVERYTHING!  Basically leave me with no car, no home.  And he would keep lucritive business francishise I assisted him in getting.  Totally unreasonable.  He is not from this counry and does not understand the court system. We have a lot on paper, three homes and the business.  But all the homes are up side down.

Everything is stalled because he will not make a reasonable settlement with me.  I am disabled, 55, with severe depression, anxiety, bi-polor 2, panic dis-order, etc.  He has contributed to my illnesses with his BPD issues.  For instance, he has abandonded me twice in his country (Greece) while I thought we were going on a vacation.  The second time put me in pure shock, and the doctor feels that it could have brought on the "negative side" of the propensity I have carried towards bi-polar-2.  (That is - the good side of bi-polor 2 has shown itself in my accomplishments with a Ph.D., numerious publications, etc.  To be left on the seaside, in a small Greek village, without enough money, at nightfall, would shouck anyone.)

Well, here we are approaching third year of separation.  If we are to proceed with trial, he will have to pay to have my expert deposed.  Gee -- that means he will have to pony up some dough.  He has his name on the business money now - he removed my name.  So he is in total control of our real money.

Here is the question.  Over the years and months, I have noticed that I have been followed and surveilled.  I last saw Husband observing me at the grocery store.  He did not realize that I recognized his newest SUV, but I did.  He was there at the crosswalk as I came out of the grocery store.  Then he parked closely to my car - straight on, and watched me unload my stuff - and take my buggy to the stand.  I did look good and confidient, as usual that day.  Once I got home that evening, after I put the groceries away and fed the dogs, I noticed he was parked with his low beams on in front of the house for a short time.  This is not the only occurance.  I will write about others but just wanted to get started.  what the heck does this mean?  He says  he doesn't want me anymore.  His actions indicate that.  Yet yhis weird surveillance.  what do you think?

[YasVSnarcissistDotCom]

I'm new.  I have been with partner for 32 years, married, 27 years.  Separated almost 3 years.  :)ivorce process ongoing with most expensive attorneys available in area.  He took all he money, so it's on him to go forward, but everything seems to stall out in divorce process.  Mediation has been rediculious.  Judge was even surprised that particular mediator wasn't sucessfull.  :)uring that mediation over two and a half years ago, H was screaming, you could hear him in adjacient rooms - he wasn't going to let me have anything.  SELL EVERYTHING!  Basically leave me with no car, no home.  And he would keep lucritive business francishise I assisted him in getting.  Totally unreasonable.  He is not from this counry and does not understand the court system. We have a lot on paper, three homes and the business.  But all the homes are up side down.

Everything is stalled because he will not make a reasonable settlement with me.  I am disabled, 55, with severe depression, anxiety, bi-polor 2, panic dis-order, etc.  He has contributed to my illnesses with his BPD issues.  For instance, he has abandonded me twice in his country (Greece) while I thought we were going on a vacation.  The second time put me in pure shock, and the doctor feels that it could have brought on the "negative side" of the propensity I have carried towards bi-polar-2.  (That is - the good side of bi-polor 2 has shown itself in my accomplishments with a Ph.D., numerious publications, etc.  To be left on the seaside, in a small Greek village, without enough money, at nightfall, would shouck anyone.)

Well, here we are approaching third year of separation.  If we are to proceed with trial, he will have to pay to have my expert deposed.  Gee -- that means he will have to pony up some dough.  He has his name on the business money now - he removed my name.  So he is in total control of our real money.

Here is the question.  Over the years and months, I have noticed that I have been followed and surveilled.  I last saw Husband observing me at the grocery store.  He did not realize that I recognized his newest SUV, but I did.  He was there at the crosswalk as I came out of the grocery store.  Then he parked closely to my car - straight on, and watched me unload my stuff - and take my buggy to the stand.  I did look good and confidient, as usual that day.  Once I got home that evening, after I put the groceries away and fed the dogs, I noticed he was parked with his low beams on in front of the house for a short time.  This is not the only occurance.  I will write about others but just wanted to get started.  what the heck does this mean?  He says  he doesn't want me anymore.  His actions indicate that.  Yet yhis weird surveillance.  what do you think?

[Clearmind]

I would be contacting the police and reporting it if you think he is stalking you.

[2010]

Everything is stalled because he will not make a reasonable settlement with me.

What do you mean by a reasonable settlement? Three years is enough time to get this accomplished. What are you holding out for? More Money? If the exchange of money pulls from your health, what it is worth? If you feel you are being stalked, what is the price of freedom?   This is your choice. Your determination. You choose. 

[GlennT]

 Hello and Welcome! Married 35 years too long here also. Now is the time to obtain a restraining order like I have done. The police will easily remove him to a jail within ten minutes for continuing to intimidate you and stress you. Perhaps you can video tape all this stalking and other behavior?

[oceanblue]

I have to agree with the other posters.  Stalking and intimidation is a crime.  Domestic violence is too.  You could call 911 or speak to a victim's advocate, if there is one, at your local police station.

You need to take care of yourself first and foremost - your safety is paramount.

There is a board here regarding divorce and you may get good advice from people going through similar situations.

I am divorced from someone "normal" and our divorce was still expensive even though we agreed on most things.  My view in divorce, is to reach any kind of agreement as soon as possible otherwise, unless you are wealthy, the lawyers will eat up whatever is left of your assets very quickly.  If your divorce is taking a toll on your health - you have to include that in your calculation.  Just my 2 cents - I don't know much about your situation.  Even if you got alimony or child support - the statistics I see about actual collections are that much of it goes uncollected.  It is hard to get a "win" in these situations.

[YasVSnarcissistDotCom]

Thank you for your responses.  If getting a divorce was so easy in this situation, it would be wonderful to get this over and done with - as my perspective stands today.

My husband is less than inclined to make a half way decent settlement with me.  I am unemployable, and on disability.   I cannot just walk away without anything.  Furthermore, since he took my name off money, I have used my disability money and credit to fund my legal expenses.  There is a huge debt there.  He pays his bills thru OUR business.  The judge made him pay the midrange and utilities, as it takes all the money I bring in with private insurance and SS to pay medications, food, gas, doctor bills, and credit cards.

Since he has the best Attorneys in town, I cannot be under-represented.  His gAme according to one of my T's is to wear me down, drive me crazy, and have others think I'm nuts too.  Perfect example is what people in the BPD family are writing about how NONS are percieved!  When we tell our story, to friends, care providers, or law enforcement -- the story sounds so CRrAZY that people start doubting us.  There comes a point where some of us may even doubt ourselves when we have faced this delimma.

Which brings me to the next question this particular theripist raised.  She asked me, "what is the ultimaate goal of stretching the divorce out, throwing you bones here and there, keeping you engaged, and then turning on you?  Followed up with survellance, cars following you, and sitings of him at the few places you go?  She kept asking me, what is the ultimate goal?

I finially got it.  The goal is to drive me nuts, to make everyone think I'm nuts, and for me to get so deep into depression, that I just do myself in.  That last thought has certainly been a consideration (that I will not act upon) over the past couple years.  When I see the policeman looking at me as if I'm the one with the problem.  Or, my other  #2 T (that I am quitting), repeats my name three times slowing in a condescending fashion, "yas, yas, yas."

Now I will tell you the about the straw that broke the camel's back.  Mid-August, I went out to fetch the mail in broad daylight.  There is a big silver Dodge Ram parked backwards by my bedroom window.  I walked towards the truck and he took off, and before I could get up the driveway, he'd gone around the block, slammed his brakes on at the same point, whipped his arm out the window with a camera, and started shooting photos of me.

I ran in the house and called 911.  Same old same old.  I was so surprised I didn't get a tag #.

A few nights later, about nine, I glance up from my iPhone, and what do I see?  A car parked backwards on the street in front of my bedroom window, with low beams barely on.  That was it.  I finially snapped.  I picked up my camera, snuck thru the back door, quietly opened the fence, and made my way to the car from behind.  He heard me, and started drive away, and I fell and bust my nose on his bumper.  Even though I was seeing stars, I got up, and ran after him.  He did slow down.  Half way there I fell head first on the asphalt street, both my bare feet gave out and bent backwards as they scaled the asphalt.  Knees, elbows, hands, palms, chin, etc., got ripped open on this DOWNWARD fall. He stopped his car.  And though I was totally badly injured, I got up, and kept running, got the photos of his photos, and him.  I flashed him over and over, with my blood flying.  He told me "lady, there ain't nuthin you can do about."

You know what.  He was right.  I will never do something like that again.  Of course, I had a number of terrible injuries, that I am still recoving from.  My face was so busted up, I looked like Mohammad Ali.  I had a cracked nose, purple green and very sore, two very huge black eyes.  My body has never been in such pain, but I am extremely lucky I did not knock my teeth out or break a major bone.

I refused medical help that evening because I knew the hospital would think I was the one with the problem.  So I suffered till the next day till I could see my MD.

When I showed those photographs to theripist #2, her face, and attitude towards me really changed.  I would say she has experience a total paradigm shift - especially in light of the injuries I sustained to get that evidence.  Many people now respond differently, including me.  I know for a fact that this is really happening.  And I seriously doubt that guy, or any guy, will be back again.  It is interesting now that  I am learning that I Am not the only person to see a servelannce car.  My neighbor across street has seen it to, and even went over to talk to him.

There is no law against this servilance, unless they go onto your property.  I could TRY to prove my husband behind this, and ask for a restraining order on servellance and on him - but I would have to demonstrTe that it is complicating my medical condition.  That is easy to show.  However, it is unwise to open the door to medical records during my divorce.

After getting this evidence, and seeing this punk idiot in his beemer trying to be an amature PI, I now feel better - and not as paranoid as I was before.  I think having people believe me is also reassuring.  I went to the police department to add the photos to my report, and to discuss the case with a detective.  It was a productive conversation, and he looked up all of the complaints I had made, and addressed many of my doubts.  For, I really have no actual proof who is doing this.  Maybe it is the disability insurance company for all I know.  The detective assured me this was divorce stuff.

I really wrote a lot, but this stalking thing can really drive someone mad.  I finially feel vindicated however.  One poster had a great idea of using a vidio cam!  I so wish I had that guy making the statement to me on tape.  He was really trying to sound like a gangster.  But he looked like a deer caught in the headlights.  He told the police he was observing his son who was spending the night down the street.  Yeah, he r

sounded like a real concerned "dad."

The good theripist always told me to wave hello, and just ignore it.  But here's another problem.  There are times when I am afraid to lose my marriage.  I see him observing me.  I know he has gotta be really shocked -- I look like a totally different person.  I do everything the way I want.  I look better, I eat better.  I am at an excellent weight.  I cannot deny that I am a much better looking person being away from him.  But I am Adair to be alone and on my own with this bi-polar disorder.  Knowing he would want to see me commit suiside is not a good thought!

[oceanblue]

Yas - I am so sorry you are going through all of this.  It sounds very horrible.  While my situation is different, I went through some bizzaro situations with my BPD that people here understand but it would be humiliating to tell anyone else except close, supportive friends.

I am going to say something that may be hard to hear and it was for me when I first started therapy.  It takes two to fight.  It is very easy to blame the other person but you also play a role in your situation.  He may be devious, mentally ill, cruel, etc. - but you are also part of the dance to some degree.  I am glad you are in therapy looking at things.

Only you can decide what is right in the divorce for you.  If your H is entrenched and has been for 3 years - what some of us are pointing out is that you have choices.  You could continue to fight, you could walk away, you could do something in the middle.  If you read these boards for a while, you may see that a lot of people who engage with mentally ill people for long periods of time end up damaged themselves.  The stress alone can cause mental and physical wear.  For that reason alone, it may be worth it to walk away but only YOU can decide what is right for you.

One other thought.  If you are waiting for a "fair" outcome following a relationship with someone who is mentally ill - I doubt you will have satisfaction.  Many of us have been burned emotionally and financially.  I don' t think I have read any posts here of  someone who feels the relationship ended well by any measure. 

[YasVSnarcissistDotCom]

Thank you for responding Ocean Blue!  When I look back at various posts I've made here and on other forums, they look like the rantings of a madwoman.  To think that I used to be a university professor.  That I have an earned PH.D.  And I sound and often behave like a blithering idiot.  I am paralyzed.

I am no longer participating in the dance thank goodness.  Kissing the asphalt, busting up my face and body demonstrated my lack of kinesthetic intelligence.  I really woke up that day.  When the flash kept lighting up the interior of the car, exposing the ameture surveller,  it was like the gaslight finially was bright enough for me to see what was going on.  No doubt, no question, no - I wasn't delusional.

The dance stopped there.  I dont bother to look over my shoulder, or out the window anymore.  Yesterday, at the grocery parking lot, I was so hungry I grabbed an Eddy's coconut popcycle out of the box, while I took a call.  My feet were hanging out the door of the car so I wouldn't drip it on me.  Out of my peripheral vision, I saw a drive by.  I did acknowledge, move, say anything or do anything.  Just ignored it, continued my business, end of story.

Normally - I would have been all worked up, analyzing dates times ect.   That doesn't mean I don't wonder why.

At my age, with the condition I have, it would be unwise for me to walk away from property and a business that is also rightfully mine as well.  I've gone this far.  And finially, after the "asphalt dance" some real disengagement is taking place, can feel it inside me.  My attoney is working up a few offers right now.  If he refuses reasonable offers from us again, we are going to ask for another mediation.  If that doesn't work, the judge will have to step in again.  My attorney nor I got the impression the judge will let this go on much longer, especially, when we continue to show good faith.  And he will force my husbands hand to pay for the divorce out of our business earnings, or force me to dump my retirement at a

huge loss.  One or the other or both.  That day is coming soon.

Naturally, I lost a good portion of my retirement a few years back.  What is left is pretty sad.  And if it was used, it is no where near enough after costs.

I will not tango.  I will not tango.  I will not tango.  My dancing are over.  I get that.  And am implementing immediately.  (during this process trying to make sense out of the stalking via the BPD definition that seems to fit this case).

But I don't get the advice re walking away from one's assets.  Where would I live with my dogs?  How can I be sure I'll be able to afford my medication and medical bills?  Medicare does not pay for everything. I have been extremely fortunent.  But, there is no guarantee

that I will always receive these benefits.