More BPD Mind Games

[avoidatallcost]

Ok, so my ex BPD gf texted me last night, around 11:30pm.  We've been broken up almost 3 months, and NC only a few weeks when she contacted me for the purpose of - what else - using me for something she needed.  Anyways, I was out at the time with another girl but when I came home, I checked my cell and saw the text.  I responded.  Silly, I know, but we all make mistakes.

Predictably and true to form, she did not respond to my text.

So here's the question:

Did she do this (1) to see if I was still willing to talk to her and possibly be available in case the new guy doesn't work out, or did she do it to (2) make me suffer some more.  Or is the reason maybe something else someone on this forum who is wiser and more experienced would know.  Is this the beginning of her trying to suck me back into her vortex, or is this just part of her last few attempts to get me back for all the "abuse" I put her through?

I know I'm not supposed to care what BPD thinks, I'm just curious as to what the more experienced here think may be going on in her head.

Any thoughts/comments/suggestions would be much appreciated

[truly amazed]

Hi,

No expert on anything  

Did however post RS fall for the NC breach as I had no idea of BPD at the time and was struggling for closure. Post RS have had 7 breaches of contact whilst learning of the issue and over 25 attempts. Oh and about 10 other partial breaches in the early days ... .her in the same room trying to bait me.

This said ... .everyone is different and each person whilst displaying amazingly similar traits ... .again is different.

A variety of things caused the breaches on her part ... .despite me begging then threatening with police ect ect.

In the end ... .It was and is never about you. EVER.

Always its their needs.

Some of the ones I got and fell for ... .

She had been hit by her new BF ... .she had been threatened by the new BF and was scared ... .she claimed to have info about the girl I was seeing at the time ... .her kids were in trouble ... .and last but not least she threatened herself.

I fell for the above ... .but they were about her and chilling the lack of object constancty ... .she in one sentnece was tellling m the one who was in extreme pain ghow much she loved her new toy and the very next sentence she was leaving him as he threatned her. Mad ... .

Anyhow ... .what was the same during all of them and even the ones I have ignored ...

Some attempt at triangualtion to make it a love triangle and me to be the backup plan. Obviously I have zero interest in this ... .even then.

Other one was ... .when she was done ... .when I had held her hand or helped her with her problem ... .I would be painted from white to black at the blink of an eye. No reason ... .or one that I could see ... .but it happened time and time again when i was falling for the NC breach.

Either way ... .its never about you. her needs ... .her trying to triangulate ... .I suspect also her in the background going to her new toy look my ex will have me back ... .

Bottom line whilst I do not know your ex ... .or exactly what happened during the RS ... .one thing I do know. sadly someone with BPD does deserve our compassion as they are very ill ... .this however now that you have left and know it for what it is ... .you do not become a doormat for some little scheme with someone playing on your compassion.

No contact ... .block her calls ... .if you cant change numbers ... .change emails or block them ... .block FB ... .she calls you hang up before she says anything.

Being realisitic ... .she is not going to call and say she is sorry and really mean it. Or say she is cured ... .or be calling just to see how you are ... .or to give something for the sale of giving. It is all about her/him and their needs ... .you will maybe get the perfunctionary enquiries before the needs are delivered ... .it could be about how much she misses you and how good you were or are ... .to get you as the backup.


RUN ... .RUN Forrest RUN    

[avoidatallcost]

Great advice.  And as always, NC is the way to go.  I'm just having a hard time trying to figure out why the heck, after 3 months of break up, she would still continue these mind games.  But then again, we're dealing with someone who's sick here so why am I trying to make sense out of this.  

But as a purely analytical exercise, a friend suggested that she did this just to somehow keep me attached.  I am of the persuasion that she did it merely to make me suffer, since she probably sensed that I was getting on with my life due to deleting her from facebook, not calling/texting her etc.

Has anyone else experienced a situation like this, where your BP ex would constantly msg you or call you, and when you responded they would ignore you?  Any insight into what the heck they're trying to accomplish here?



After all this time still so many unanswered questions.

[slvr6543]

@avoidatallcost

First of let me tell you a  little about my relationship. Mine is very similar to yours just a little more screwed up. 3 years with this girl. In those 3 years 4 splits. 3 of the splits lasting 2 to 3 weeks. (she left every time) She also was the one to come crawling back. The last 2 splits she immediately moved in with another guy. the last split was almost 4 months ago and 3 of those months NC. She moved in with the new TOY (as you put it) telling me how happy she was and so on and so forth. NC was established 3 months ago. I have not heard 1 word from this girl since the 3 months. This past Sunday I am at a friends bar watching the playoffs. I get a restricted number show up on my phone and low and behold ITS HER. She was outside the bar calling me on her phone (she claims she saw my truck). Asked me to come outside cause she needed to talk to me about something. I agreed. I get out there and she ask me If I seen her Photo Album. (HER PHOTO ALBUM< ARE YOU KIDDING ME). So I tell her no I haven't seen it. I tell her she looks great and she says "I AM PREGNANT". I immediately asked if she was getting married and she replied "YES". I congratulated her and hauled butt back in the bar.

I have no idea what that was all about and my best option is to not even TRY to think about what that was about but I can promise you (WHAT TRULYAMAZED SAID) is right on. Its always about them. She could have done this for 100 million reasons but the closest we are going to get to figure it out is 50 million because 50 is us and 50 is them and it is never about us. So widdled down to 50 million will drive us insane trying to figure it out.

I have spent alot of time and have alot of experience with this illness and I can tell you that you will not find anyone on these boards that can answer your question or than them telling you it was all about them not you.

take care

[truly amazed]

Hi Avoid,

Text and then not answer your reply ?

Had the opposite when i didn't respond to her demands or texts it was a dummy spit.

Anyhow ... .control ... .you respond she is in control again. Your part of the triangle in her mind.

What goes on inside the severe BPD cases is anyones call. I have been raged against painted black and awful things said and done ... .then a week latter its all lovey dovey as though nothing has happened. She moved on within 7 days and cheated ... .nope nothing :}

trying to put logic where there is none ... .impossible.

I found it refreshing actually last few breaches of NC ... .the very last one was able to stand back and look at it with a whole new learnt perspective and see how ill it was. Basically like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum ... .refused to invest anything in it.

Your ex's logic ... .flawed either way. NC only way ... .

Take care

[avoidatallcost]

Thanks for the insight guys... I find this behavior to be so strange, I've dated a lot but have NEVER had a woman break up with me, then two months later text me a random comment and when I responded, she would simply ignore me.  Personally, I think it's a power thing too.  She wants the comfort of knowing I did not abandon her, and that I am still willing to pick up the phone when she calls or respond to a message when she texts.  I think she's also doing it to make me suffer.  Why else ignore my response?

Crazy BPD, go away.

[slvr6543]

@avoid

LOL. luckily for me my ex changed her phone number and calls me from restricted number. I dont answer restricted numbers usually as I did the day I was watching the game. She told me she had been calling me from a restricted number but I wasn't answering. As I was posting a little while ago a restricted number poped up (funny).

I guess in some sense I have the power over her. I can't call her but she can call me. But I dont have to answer

[htl67]

Hi there - pwBPD are emotional children and do things on impulse at the spur of the moment. In the moment she texted you, she may have been needing validation and to check if you were still on the hook, and when you didn't respond IMMEDIATELY, she probably painted you black again, and just proceeded to text the next guy on the list. Remember their feelings change at the drop of a hat. Or, as my ex thought, if I didn't reply immediately, it was GAME ON! He would then wait to send HIS reply. So childish, but this is what it is. This is one reason why it never even pays to reply at all. One text and it's back to the same old game.

htl67

[seeking balance]

 I'm just having a hard time trying to figure out why the heck, after 3 months of break up, she would still continue these mind games.

Because you let her

But then again, we're dealing with someone who's sick here so why am I trying to make sense out of this.

which one is sick - the one who does it or the one who allows it?  both, perhaps... .just in different ways, maybe

Reminds me of the story, a scorpion asks a turtle for a ride over the river.  The turtle says, "no way, your are a scorpion, you are going to sting me."  The scorpion says, "why would I do that, we would both sink." 

Half way across, the scorpion stings the turtle, and turtle cries, "scorpion, why did you do that - now we will both surely die."  Scorpion replies, "I am a scorpion, what did you really expect."

Why are you expecting something different if you are not changing your dynamic in the dysfunctional dance?

[avoidatallcost]

 I'm just having a hard time trying to figure out why the heck, after 3 months of break up, she would still continue these mind games.

Because you let her

But then again, we're dealing with someone who's sick here so why am I trying to make sense out of this.

which one is sick - the one who does it or the one who allows it?  both, perhaps... .just in different ways, maybe

Reminds me of the story, a scorpion asks a turtle for a ride over the river.  The turtle says, "no way, your are a scorpion, you are going to sting me."  The scorpion says, "why would I do that, we would both sink." 

Half way across, the scorpion stings the turtle, and turtle cries, "scorpion, why did you do that - now we will both surely die."  Scorpion replies, "I am a scorpion, what did you really expect."

Why are you expecting something different if you are not changing your dynamic in the dysfunctional dance?

Very true and I understand I need to leave this r/s permanently.  No question there.  Just wanted to get thoughts on what people think is her motive in doing this.  All I wanted was to understand her behavior... she would often do this, where she would message me and then not reply to my response.  This makes no sense to me, and I just wanted to try to make some sense out of why she's doing it that's all.

[seeking balance]

 I'm just having a hard time trying to figure out why the heck, after 3 months of break up, she would still continue these mind games.

Because you let her

But then again, we're dealing with someone who's sick here so why am I trying to make sense out of this.

which one is sick - the one who does it or the one who allows it?  both, perhaps... .just in different ways, maybe

Reminds me of the story, a scorpion asks a turtle for a ride over the river.  The turtle says, "no way, your are a scorpion, you are going to sting me."  The scorpion says, "why would I do that, we would both sink." 

Half way across, the scorpion stings the turtle, and turtle cries, "scorpion, why did you do that - now we will both surely die."  Scorpion replies, "I am a scorpion, what did you really expect."

Why are you expecting something different if you are not changing your dynamic in the dysfunctional dance?

Very true and I understand I need to leave this r/s permanently.  No question there.  Just wanted to get thoughts on what people think is her motive in doing this.  All I wanted was to understand her behavior... she would often do this, where she would message me and then not reply to my response.  This makes no sense to me, and I just wanted to try to make some sense out of why she's doing it that's all.

Let me see if I understand correctly?

You want those of us who do not even know your ex to give you insight on why she, a person you think has a mental illness that shows itself in impulsive behavior, is calling you?

We might have better luck guessing lottery numbers 

But, you could tell us why you responded - what was going on with you that you thought responding was a good idea?

Complaining about or trying to make sense of out BPD behavior once you have chosen to leave the relationship is not going to make you happy - eventually, looking within is the only way to move through this and get to the other side.  The other side is indifference (not hate) by the way.

[slvr6543]

In my case I answered because I didn't know it was her. Then when I did agree to walk outside and see her it was to see what she wanted. There were things after a 3 year relationship that you have together that needed to be resolved "finacial... storage etc. I didn't get a chance to see if she took care of her end because she wouldn't answer me at first. When I realized she wasn't coming there to clear those things up I wished her well and RAN like the wind.

[avoidatallcost]

Let me see if I understand correctly?

You want those of us who do not even know your ex to give you insight on why she, a person you think has a mental illness that shows itself in impulsive behavior, is calling you?

We might have better luck guessing lottery numbers  

But, you could tell us why you responded - what was going on with you that you thought responding was a good idea?

Complaining about or trying to make sense of out BPD behavior once you have chosen to leave the relationship is not going to make you happy - eventually, looking within is the only way to move through this and get to the other side.  The other side is indifference (not hate) by the way.

Don't be silly of course I don't expect people to know exactly why she did what she did, just some suggestions as to what they think may be her reasons.  I posted this thread hoping others had been in a similar situation and simply wanted to hear what their opinions were as to the reasons why this particular form of treatment was being handed out.  Was it a call for help?  Or was it merely a continuation of their mental/emotional abuse?

Of course I need to focus on my own own behavior no doubt and ultimately I'm at fault for staying with someone who I knew was diagnosed with a mental disorder.  All the reasons I stayed with her, of course, would make for a very long (and separate) thread.  Basically, I fell in love with her when things were going relatively very well and I stayed with her hoping things would improve when she saw how much I loved her and that I would not abandon her.  But the more I tried to show her this, the more she seemed to hate me and distrust me.  As to this particular thread, I just don't think there is anything wrong with trying to figure out the motivations of the BPD's themselves.

[avoidatallcost]

But, you could tell us why you responded - what was going on with you that you thought responding was a good idea?

Good question.  When I left, she was on new medication so I thought she may have improved since the break up.  Now, my ex BP gf doesn't have anyone in the world, her father abandoned her and her mother and her mom was a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic who abused my ex.  My ex BP spent her much of her life in foster homes being abandoned by people who didn't want to or couldn't stand being with her.  I still have a soft spot for her.  When she calls, I know she's in trouble.  Is this my fault?  Of course it is.   I'm not a mean person, and I find it very difficult to just turn my back on someone who has nobody, despite everything she has done to me. 

Faulty thinking, perhaps.  Hopefully I'll get stronger and start ignoring her calls/text messages (more will no doubt follow) I just thought it wouldn't hurt to see if anyone had a similar experience as me and what their ideas are as to what may be her motivations.  Isn't that the entire purpose of this forum?  To try to understand not only why we did what we did, but also to try to understand the thought processes of our ex BP's?

[hijodeganas]

Great post, truly amazed. Especially the part about compassion.  I just bookmarked this so I would remember to read it again. Thanks.

[slvr6543]

@avoid

I understand 100% what your asking. God knows I have asked this very same question a million times. Yes other people have had the EXACT same thing happen to them. In fact, EVERYONE. The answer to this is impossible because there are so many reasons why. We just don't and can't know. As I said before we do know its all about THEM. Mine did things like this for some of these reasons.

1. Came back 3 weeks after leaving and moving in with another guy.

a) because SHE was in a better place being with me than him.

b) because HE picked up on how screwed up she was and told her to get out.

c) because SHE wasn't done tormenting me.

d) etc etc etc

Now the reason she gave me was that she missed me and loved me. Which is a load of crap.

We just don't know although we have all experienced it. The list goes on and on.

2. Why did she text me and then when I text her back she didn't answer

a) SHE wanted to test to see if you still were hooked. And when you answered SHE got her answer

b) SHE at that moment wanted to ask you something and when you didn't respond Immediately she got angry

c) SHE wanted to make you wonder what she wanted to see if you would drive yourself insane thinking about it.

D) ALL OF THE ABOVE . It could have been 100 more reasons WHY

Mine changed her number and seemed a little disturbed that I didn't answer my phone when she was calling from a restricted number. Like I owed her that or something. (she said " I have been calling you but you wouldn't answer)

Its all about them no matter how we feel.

[seeking balance]

But, you could tell us why you responded - what was going on with you that you thought responding was a good idea?

Good question.   I still have a soft spot for her.  When she calls, I know she's in trouble.  Is this my fault?  Of course it is.   I'm not a mean person, and I find it very difficult to just turn my back on someone who has nobody, despite everything she has done to me. 

Faulty thinking, perhaps.  Hopefully I'll get stronger and start ignoring her calls/text messages (more will no doubt follow) I just thought it wouldn't hurt to see if anyone had a similar experience as me and what their ideas are as to what may be her motivations.  Isn't that the entire purpose of this forum?  To try to understand not only why we did what we did, but also to try to understand the thought processes of our ex BP's?

Ok, now that we have the reason why you called her back (to save her) it helps understand what you need to do for you.  There is no right/wrong and no judgement in these questions, simply trying to get the focus off her and onto you.

Most pwBPD call at this point, because they can and it soothes a pain of some sort - it is that simple.  However, BPD does have a high suicide rate; so if you think this is why she is calling, make a clear boundary with her that she can call for that reason and you will call the professionals for help.  Any other form of contact (right now) is going to hurt you and her.

We teach boundaries to pwBPD by our actions.  What you did good?  You posted here - no need to call her again or even go down that road; you did your part. 

The point of the forum - well, it's called bpdfamily.com (the facts of BPD).  So absolutely, ask away what part of the BPD diagnosis and disorder may cause someone to call out of the blue; but asking what is going on you your pwBPD head is not something any of us can do.

Have you read, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me"  This book describes quite well the push/pull dynamic that it seems you may be discussing here.  You will not be able to stop this dynamic, it is part of the BPD make-up.  As such, focusing on your reasons for responding is really the only control we get.

I know this might sound harsh and that is truly not my intent.  It is ridiculously hard to let go of someone you love into the unknown; even moreso at the beginnings of realizing how difficult and pervasive this disorder is - I know, it is very hard.

Take a look at https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

Use this as a guide and tell us why you think she called you based on the facts of the disorder?

Peace, SB

[avoidatallcost]

Truthfully, I don't think I responded to save her.  Not this time.  She's an expert survivor, and I doubt she'd ever try to kill herself.  But who knows?  I think I answered because I was so used to it, and quite honestly who even knows for sure whether she even meant the text message to be sent to me.  For all I know, it was meant for someone else. 

But that doesn't take away from her behavior during the last three months post break up, where she would call or text me, and then when I'd respond, she would ignore me.  It's like she knew I was getting on with my life and forgetting about her, and she just wanted to make a quick appearance so I remembered her and so she can hurt me just one more time.

I may be making a big deal of a simple text message here, but I think everyone one this Board can relate to the big picture here: the BP is capable of hurting us with devastating efficiency using the simplest techniques.  Who knew being ignored could be so emotionally destructive?

I'm definitely more interested now in this push pull dynamic you brought up.  I've read "Walking on Eggshells" but not "I hate you Dont Leave Me."  I'll definitely check it out, and report back to everyone on my findings!

@slvr6543: I suspect that the reason she does this, texting me and then not responding, is just like you said just a way of seeing if I'm still attached.  And to hurt me, because at this point she must know how much it hurts to be ignored.

Again, I'll look more in depth into the push pull dynamic so I can figure out what is really going on here.

[slvr6543]

yeah, they do it for them. It seems in my experience every time we start to move on its like they just know. But maybe its because (in my case) the new guy is not a def. in her life in the long run. Each time I start to get some time under my belt she calls. I don't have her phone number so the only way she can try to Gage me is to call me. Now that I know she is calling from restricted number I will not answer it anymore.

[shatteredheart]

avoidatallcost... .Has anyone else experienced a situation like this, where your BP ex would constantly msg you or call you, and when you responded they would ignore you?  Any insight into what the heck they're trying to accomplish here?


To answer that question... .YES and it drove me nuts... .He showed up left his new number in a note on the door. Then when I called ( I don't know why I did, curiosity I guess) he answered once, after that he would message me on FB tell me to call then never answer... .Maddening. I asked the same thing u did... .WHAT IS THIS ABOUT, I think it could have been a number of things, but mainly to feel he was  getting my attention  without having to do or say anything back and he knew it made me crazy, so I'm sure he got some satisfaction out of that. I don't know about ur X but mine is SICK! He enjoys inflicting pain on me, emotional,physically and verbally. I have just recently BLOCKED Facebook , my IM... .everything. I still think about it, but it will pass I'm sure. It beats seeing him trying to contact me and me feeling like I want to respond. =0)

[Gaslit]

avoidatallcost -- Mine does this too. She'll send me an email full of questions for me, and make it all about me, but doesn't respond. Not even to my first line of "How are you?"

I've been distancing myself, and I had not contacted her since a week before New Year's. I wrote her then, she wrote back, I answered and said to her, "Have a happy New Year's!"

No response. Until this week, two weeks plus later. She needed an excuse to email me too, "I was just re-reading your email and... ." Really, two weeks later? So, I respond, short and sweet, though I did ask, "How are you?" CRICKETS!

Seriously. Why bother emailing me. It for sure has to do with her. But what? Likely a lot about what has already been written here. I call it the "check-in." She's seeing if her source is still available. Then happily goes on with her day. She'll freak in a week or so again, and re-check. Kind of like how you check to make sure you really locked your door.

Anyway, hopefully for you and me both - Lesson leaned. No NEED to reply, because they don't really care. It is some sort of shyte test. Let's change what "passing" means, but simply not responding.

They need to go away! And we who stopped contacting them, need to be just as strong, when they inevitably contact us. Because it is only a matter of time. In my case, chick is getting stranger and stranger!

[Robhart]

BPDs  have poor impulse control so she probably is not quite as premeditated as you might think.

Logic does not apply to BPD so all you can know with certainty is that  her behaviors will be uncertain.

[Gaslit]

Robhart, I know that to be true, but I have seen her plan and do things very purposely. All aimed towards me. I agree they have poor impulse control in many areas, however that doesn't mean that they can't also plot. I don't mean in the regard of this topic on reaching out and not responding, who knows why that is. But in other areas - They can be deliberate. And just as transparent.

[shatteredheart]

I know that to be true, but I have seen her plan and do things very purposely. All aimed towards me. I agree they have poor impulse control in many areas, however that doesn't mean that they can't also plot. I don't mean in the regard of this topic on reaching out and not responding, who knows why that is. But in other areas - They can be deliberate. And just as transparent.

I agree, I've seen my XBPDBF  do these things, set things up ... plot to hurt me. Funny only now... .hindsight I can see how it all fit together.

[slvr6543]

When my ex showed up at the bar and was calling me on the phone from a restricted number I think that was planned out. When she knew I was there she called my phone like 3 times before I answered. she could have just done that prior to that day. She said that she had been calling prior to that. WHen I answered she could have just said what she need to say but she asked me to come outside.

Just never know with them.

[yianks69]

Has anyone else experienced a situation like this, where your BP ex would constantly msg you or call you, and when you responded they would ignore you?  Any insight into what the heck they're trying to accomplish here?

I have also experienced that, mostly very slow responding especially at instant messaging. They just want to know that you are there. They don’t care what you say as long as you respond quickly. If you don’t the abandonment fear will resurface. It doesn’t matter if they don’t respond – remember is ALL about them.

After all this time still so many unanswered questions.

Just imagine the nons just 15 or 20 years ago which they didn’t have Internet, the psychiatrists didn’t know about this disorder and they had to live with people driving them crazy and the worst of all, they thought THEY caused their mental illness due to the lack of academic information.

[hijodeganas]

Just imagine the nons just 15 or 20 years ago which they didn’t have Internet, the psychiatrists didn’t know about this disorder and they had to live with people driving them crazy and the worst of all, they thought THEY caused their mental illness due to the lack of academic information.

Very very good point. I shudder to think how harrowing this would have been without this information... .

[captainkirkz]

Just imagine the nons just 15 or 20 years ago which they didn’t have Internet, the psychiatrists didn’t know about this disorder and they had to live with people driving them crazy and the worst of all, they thought THEY caused their mental illness due to the lack of academic information.

Nearly 15 years ago i actually did go through the dance(with the same person) and recovered in time, without the academic information. If i had had the academic information then i wouldn't have gone back for 2nds because i thought it was entirely my fault.

[avoidatallcost]

Slvr, all I can say about your situation is WOW thank god I did not get my ex pregnant I can only imagine the turmoil I'd have to go through!  1 year with her was bad enough when she "loved" me, but to have to deal with her when I'm painted black?  I guess we can all find solace in the fact that no matter how bad things were with our BPD exes it could ALWAYS have been worse.

As for the lack of information available 15-20 years ago, it definitely would have been difficult.  But in a way, it may have been easier too because then we wouldn't go crazy reading about all this stuff as much as we could.  And captain, I also went through this once before: I dated a girl about 8 years ago for a year who looking back now, definitely had bipolar/BPD traits because she was so similiar to my last ex.  Their mannerisms, behavior, and even some of the things they said were almost identical.  It's like there's a clone army of BPD's out there.  And this r/s was really hard too.  And unlike my last ex that one was unmedicated so you can imagine how bad it was.  Despite the medication though I think the last one was even worse on me though.  The first I think I got over relative easier than this one because I wasn't constantly reminding myself of the b.s. that I had to go through.  In a sense, ignorance really was bliss.  But a lot of our healing I think is made easier now with the knowledge that BPD's act so similar to each other so much of our suffering in the relationship MUST be due to the illness.  At this point, it's great to know more about this disorder now with all the info available but I'm not exactly sure if it's better for my healing...

I'm not sure if you guys feel the same way, but during my relationship with my BP ex I was constantly excusing her behavior because of her illness.  I kept putting myself through hell because I blamed myself by thinking it was almost all my fault, that it was something I was doing wrong, that I was making things worse through my own bad behavior and that none of it wasn't really her fault because she was sick.  I felt like she was sick, but the r/s problems were all my fault because I wasn't responding to her behavior properly.     

The thing is, both BPD's LOVED playing mind games.  Why?  I think this may be a bit more than just a part of the push-pull dynamic.  Perhaps this is some kind of sick way they enjoy watching us suffer by mentally twisting our brains?

[captainkirkz]

As for the lack of information available 15-20 years ago, it definitely would have been difficult.  But in a way, it may have been easier too because then we wouldn't go crazy reading about all this stuff as much as we could.  And captain, I also went through this once before: I dated a girl about 8 years ago for a year who looking back now, definitely had bipolar/BPD traits because she was so similiar to my last ex.  Their mannerisms, behavior, and even some of the things they said were almost identical.  It's like there's a clone army of BPD's out there.  And this r/s was really hard too.  And unlike my last ex that one was unmedicated so you can imagine how bad it was.  :)espite the medication though I think the last one was even worse on me though.  The first I think I got over relative easier than this one because I wasn't constantly reminding myself of the b.s. that I had to go through.  In a sense, ignorance really was bliss.  But a lot of our healing I think is made easier now with the knowledge that BPD's act so similar to each other so much of our suffering in the relationship MUST be due to the illness.  At this point, it's great to know more about this disorder now with all the info available but I'm not exactly sure if it's better for my healing...

Yes avoid, i have thought about the knowledge vs the lack of and i think that ultimately that having the information to hand now will result in ME being a better person when i have processed it all.

I do agree with you though that it needs to be a balanced intake of this knowledge and too much could be detrimental.

As BPDs don't really know what REAL love is maybe they all watch the same rom-coms for their love template. You know the fluffy, unrealistic, rose coloured view of love that they have? I know my ex got very emotional at weddings and particular love songs that portrayed that fluffy view of love and life. Get into the REAL r/s though and reality hurts them.

I'm not sure if you guys feel the same way, but during my relationship with my BP ex I was constantly excusing her behavior because of her illness.  I kept putting myself through hell because I blamed myself by thinking it was almost all my fault, that it was something I was doing wrong, that I was making things worse through my own bad behavior and that none of it wasn't really her fault because she was sick.  I felt like she was sick, but the r/s problems were all my fault because I wasn't responding to her behavior properly.    

The thing is, both BPD's LOVED playing mind games.  Why?  I think this may be a bit more than just a part of the push-pull dynamic.  Perhaps this is some kind of sick way they enjoy watching us suffer by mentally twisting our brains?

avoid. I too excused things that would normally be very important to me in a r/s. They push your boundaries back and try to dismantle them. They are ultimately selfish though and it's all about them. They are masterful at making you think that any r/s issues are all your fault. The reality is that it takes two to tango and we, as well as them are responsible for the issues. We trigger them, they trigger us!

[avoidatallcost]

So true captain.  I think it was easier to get over the first BPD ex when all this info was unavailable.  But now that I have all this  new knowledge at my disposal, I'm definitely a better person and I now know EXACTLY what me and you were both dealing with all those years ago!  This wonderful board, and other informative sites and articles like it, have not only armed us with the weapons we need to avoid getting into relationships with people like this again by recognizing early red flags.  I think even more importantly, this info has helped us to realize that we need to work on ourselves, and make ourselves better people so we can prevent other from treating us the way they have.

[slvr6543]

@all

I am not sure its mine. I am 99.9 % the baby is the new guys. What I am struggling with is the fact that she has been with this guy less than 4 months. She is bringing another child into this world under false pretenses and this child is going to be brought up in a separated home. My ex use to tell me I WAS THE ONE and 3 years later we are done. SHe is doing the same thing with this guy. I guess as I understand the insanity and the BPD portion. The undeniable fact is that I loved this person and want her to be happy and I am watching her ruin her life. Some of it is my bruised ego. I just have to keep reminding myself she is sick.

[yianks69]

The thing is, both BPD's LOVED playing mind games.  Why?  I think this may be a bit more than just a part of the push-pull dynamic.  Perhaps this is some kind of sick way they enjoy watching us suffer by mentally twisting our brains?

They play mind games because this is what small children love to do: playing games!

Since their emotional development resembles that of a small child, they do not realize the serious effects those games have on others. It’s similar to a small child of four not speaking to her father because he didn’t buy that much wanted toy.

[avoidatallcost]

@slver:

Thankfully at least the child isn't yours... can you imagine the insanity you will have to go through if this is indeed the case?  It's a good thing we can all cut our losses, talk about what happened as if we were war veterans, and move on with our lives.  For our BP exes, unfortunately for them chances are the madness that is their lives will only get worse.  It's a shame she's bringing a new life into this world, but this is not your problem.  Remember, our thoughts that we can save someone else is partially what got us all into this big mess to begin with!

yianks:

I'm not so sure she doesn't understand the effect of her "games."  Remember these are people who have carefully honed their tricks of the trade over many relationships!  They know exactly which buttons to push, and I think they know just how much it hurts us!  The real problem here, I think (and this is just my opinion) is that they think we deserve this treatment.  They truly believe that, eventually, we have become their persecutors and that we are bad for them and therefore must be punished for hurting them.  

[slvr6543]

I agree. If the child was mine she would have dropped this other guy and tried to get back with me. I know her like the back of my hand. That is another good indication its not mine. As you said. BETTER HIM THAN ME. Thank god.

[avoidatallcost]

BETTER HIM THAN YOU. 

Couldn't have said it better myself!  The hard part is seeing them all happy together, for weeks and even months.  With my ex, I remember thinking that the 3 months of our post breakup time she spent with the new guy, I was so angry because I felt like she never gave me this much peace!  But you never know what's really going on behind the scenes.  Can dysfunctional people really maintain a functional relationship for any expanded amount of time? 

I'd like to see what your views of her new relationship with this guy are a year from now.

[slvr6543]

@avoid

Well, its complicated. At first glance (although I knew this r/s with the new guy wasn't going to last) I still had (as you said) thoughts of them being happy and that really took a toll on me. My ex got with this guy within 4 days of us splitting. Naturalluy it hurt like hell. The couple of times I talked to her after the split she was telling me (when I busted her lieing about being with this guy) that she was happy. That really messed with my head. Again, I knew what was happening but couldn't help feeling like she was going to live a happy life with him. Then someone on this board kept drilling it in my head even further that this could not happen. Low and behold 2months after we split, Her and the new guy split up. I have to admit, that's  the best I felt since the split.

She also tried to contact me at that time not knowing that I knew they split and she asked me where I was living (which is the 1st question she asked before getting back together the previous 3 times). I told her I was staying with my parents for another 6 months till I buy my house. A week later they were back together. A little over a month later is when she showed up at the bare asking me to come outside and telling me she was prego.

I hated the fact she moved on so quick with someone else. This is the 2nd time she did that. the last time she did it she was back within 3 weeks. She has left me 4 times total in 3 years and each time I thought she was gone forever. In a way, I have been through this 4 times. The only difference this time is I now know its for good and she has no say in it what so ever. This is also what pains me is to see her messing with another child and persons life. Hope that wasn't to long.

[avoidatallcost]

It sounds like all her relationships are really messed up.  Par for the course I'm sure.  I wonder how this whole pregnant situation is going to play out...

[slvr6543]

I really don't know. But I can probably figure out that easier than alot of other things. At this point she is living with the guy in a nice house, She thinks she is in love (Im Sure) she probably is going to have it and marry him. I can't see her coming to her seances. I mean she took no responsibility in preventing it from happening and neither did her new Guy. Although I don't agree with him but I could see where he wouldn't be responsible to try to prevent it from happening. She is absolutely beautiful and he is a dorky guy. He probably thought OMG this is a god send. Who else would move a girl in that they barley know and her daughter along with his son knowing that she just got out of a relationship a few days ago?... EXACTLY KIND OF PERSON THEY LOOK FOR.

[kikiromano]

There are some very insightful people on here.

Some of the words and phrases are spot on and I've never heard them before so bravo for thinking about your situations at length enough to have your own verbage.

Plot. That was one word that stood out in this thread.

My exbpBPDbf went off several meds and within a few months became a plotting criminally cruel monster.

When we met he was very thin, had been through a major breakdown and had been arrested for duis. Seemed like the victim of his childhood and he was so gentle. He started to glob onto me really soon after we met. Every form of communication possible he utilized and I felt so smothered but then also so flattered because he was a really cute guy and he was falling all over himself fawning over me. He worshipped me. He had substance abuse problems and relapsed once our first year and then did time for his duis so he was sober when he came out of jail.

But once he stopped those medications he changed. Baiting me it seemed like. All of his persona and what he said he wanted in a relationship changed 180 degrees.

He had wanted to marry me so much for over a year or at least said he did.

His behavior scared and angered me and I blew up at him a few times and he actually broke up with me. Could never have ever imagined him doing that because he was so crazy in love with me before that. I didn't know it was called love bombing until I did some research after the wreckage started to build up.

After I tried for months to help him and stay in touch he relapsed again, said horrible things to me and I gave up.

Still stayed in touch from a distance.

He methodically started to spread rumors that I was stalking him? I never did. I had heard from others he was saying some weird stuff on fb so I told him what I was hearing and that I had seen some of the comments. That was stalking? I simply let him know and left it at that.

Finally I had enough of his lies and slander and I went to his friends to ask them to make him stop. Said I was finished with him. I couldn't take anymore.

Within two weeks he found an old girlfriend and got engaged a month later and married her on my birthday. Plotting.

[goingtostopthis]

Thanks for the insight guys... I find this behavior to be so strange, I've dated a lot but have NEVER had a woman break up with me, then two months later text me a random comment and when I responded, she would simply ignore me.  Personally, I think it's a power thing too.  She wants the comfort of knowing I did not abandon her, and that I am still willing to pick up the phone when she calls or respond to a message when she texts.  I think she's also doing it to make me suffer.  Why else ignore my response?

Crazy BPD, go away.

Oh How I have been there where you are now.   Its horrible. Its a horrible way to treat a person. Its garbage. It makes you want to seek them  out on foot and wring their necks. I think she wants to feed off you by provoking you in this way. To make you call again, and again,  Id call her back one more time and and tell her to not to call you again and leave you hanging,its rude or else you youll block her number.