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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Recycling and my ex  (Read 922 times)
AustenJ
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« on: March 07, 2017, 08:16:57 AM »

Since many of our BPD exes have triangulated us with their exes, I was wondering if any of those exes have reached out to you as the nonBPD either during your relationship or upon your discard. Or have you reached out to his/her exes? Since our exBPDs leave so much destruction in their wakes and negatively impact to many lives, I was just curious if the "survivors" flock together?

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« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2017, 08:31:57 AM »

I have spoken to a few of my exes ex's and we were all treated like shyt. The time frames were different. Some of us lived with her, some were long distance, but the push-pull and triangulation (with other exes) the same.

My ex likes to call two of her exes "the one who got away" the "love of her life". Ironically she has left each of them for the other (multiple times) until one ended up getting married to a man and took herself out of rotation. Still, this ex communicates with our ex to this day. I have met her and she is very self-absorbed (likely a Narc). I think they use each other so their dynamic "works" for them.

I dated an ex of my ex and realized immediately that YES birds of a feather sure flock together. Dating this person made me see WHY my ex was attracted and as I got healthier I got out of the situation quickly.

Once you fully get out of your current state you will find none of this matters. It really is all a bunch of garbage and you are better than it.

 
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« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2017, 09:21:44 AM »

"I have spoken to a few of my exes ex's and we were all treated like shyt. The time frames were different. Some of us lived with her, some were long distance, but the push-pull and triangulation (with other exes) the same.

The BPD definitely triangulates exes that haven't been fully painted black.  The push-pull behavior is very frustrating even after the break.  I remember just ignoring one of her texts and not even opening so the receipt wouldn't show "read" and 24 hours later started the pull in and butt dial games. Shortly after that I was painted black because I felt I was being devalued in text messages, so reciprocated it right back. 
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« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2017, 09:32:13 AM »

hi complicated,

was there a drama triangle where you were involved? are you thinking about reaching out to an ex of your ex?
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« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2017, 09:34:21 AM »

I wish I was. I wanted to reach out to one of them in particular. But I am so scared to find out they are back together.
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« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2017, 10:06:19 AM »

Yeah, I have recently in the last  few months or so reached out to my ex's ex-husband. She has always talked poorly of him and sent him nasty, confrontational emails, misreading his words, twisting them as personal affronts and over the course of the last 2 years since we started dating. I've noticed she still holds onto a lot of the pain and anger towards him and how their marriage ended. (she would cc me and his new GF in all email correspondence between them) I had to intervene and stop a vile back and forth chain between the two of them last month. She was on the attack towards him and after 3 or 4 emails, he began to get baited in. It was about the kids and their health/education so I stepped in asking them to stop this and get back on the topic at hand. It worked, sort of. In the last 3 or 4 months I began to notice she started treating me and accusing me of being like her ex husband. I reached out to him, kind of to see if I was crazy or if he experienced that same crazy making I experience. We met for coffee and talked about things and our experiences during our relationships with her. I found some peace & solace knowing that he experienced many of the same things and behaviors I did. He expressed he felt like a shell of a man by the end of it, much like I do most of the time lately. He told me how he felt he enabled her behavior by doing all the things in the house and letting her run to the bedroom to cry it out a lot of time, only to be blamed for not caring about her. I think it helped me see how I have also enabled her and it validated for me that I was not to blame for everything that is wrong in our relationship (I know what I am responsible for and what I contributed to the dysfunction, too late of course) and unfortunately she is likely going to continue to behave this way until she decides to address and work on her issues, but for now she seems fine in her role as a victim of those who get close to her, blaming and shaming them for all her problems/drama.

In a nutshell, I am glad I reached out to her ex, it has help give me perspective that my decision to go no contact and move on is the best thing for me, that I cannot have the relationship/partnership with her that I had dreamed of in the beginning, that it is very likely she may not change.
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« Reply #6 on: March 07, 2017, 10:14:43 AM »

Swhitey: it's giving you clarity which will guide you towards closure and moving on.

my BPD ex girlfriend had her ex living in a house directly opposite her! Even after a few years split, he must have still been under her trapping that he went and bought the house! They still communicate as friends, which I suspect is true to be nothing more, but she blatently uses him, and even said so to me, for instance: looking after the pets and the house if she stayed at mine for extended periods. He would also pay for the pet food...

I never actually got to meet him as he would never enter the house if I was around, but I did get to speak to her father who lives near me, and he confirmed he was a nice guy but gullible for her. He also said their relationship was the same, but somehow lasted longer. Probably she got more out of him than me. I don't need to speak to him, I now know what he'd say. And her father said she doesn't want him, but doesn't want anyone else to have him, so she is still seeking satisfaction out of influencing someone elses life it would seem, and feeling powerful as a woman in the only way she seems to know how to achieve it, by control and manipulation.

Interestingly, when we met she was mad that he bought the place across the street, and put her own house up for sale, but with no contingency plan. Also she said that their reason for splitting as that he was playing mind games with her, and making her feel so bad about herself that she asked him to leave. Just goes to show me the woman is not of a healthy mind and needs help, if she wants it, but I suspect she will not see her mistakes and live a lonely bitter life surrounded by dogs and cats. She's already there.
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AustenJ
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« Reply #7 on: March 07, 2017, 10:26:54 AM »

once removed-

I am actually friends with one of her exes who is a former student of mine, but he has no idea that we were in a relationship.

The ex she triangulated all relationships with for the past 5 years, I did reach out to on FB after I was discarded. My initial thought of doing this was to get him to continue to encourage our ex to get into treatment... .but I think pushing her to get help is perhaps a trigger for her in both of our relationships and allows her to discard us... .I thought I was doing it for her, but maybe I was selfishly doing it to try and hurt her... .
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« Reply #8 on: March 07, 2017, 10:36:17 AM »

triangulation is an often misunderstood term that we tend to use to describe either a love triangle, or some sort of dysfunctional behavior being directed at us.

triangulation, ie the karpman drama triangle, is about conflict style. we all do it, and there is good and bad triangulation.

the kind of situation you are describing, reaching out to an ex of an ex or vice versa, can go well or badly. for instance, former romantic partners are really not in a position to encourage a former romantic partner to get help.

the key is learning to spot our own tendencies with regard to the karpman drama triangle, where we tend to gravitate, why, and how to get off/stay away from unhealthy dynamics and our own unhealthy tendencies.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle
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Swhitey
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« Reply #9 on: March 07, 2017, 10:58:03 AM »

The only reason I reached out to my now ex's ex husband was not to place blame on my former partner. I am still in love with this woman, who is logically toxic for me to be with, who explicitly stated to me that I am 100% to blame for everything that is wrong the failings throughout this relationship. For such a long time (and I still struggle with this) I believed her. Confirming with her ex husband her patterns of behavior was merely to help me tell myself that I was not all to blame, to help me heal and work through my low self esteem at this time so I can begin to validate my self and challenge the negative self talk that has been entrenched in my mind. I've never payed too much mind to people who blame others for their woes and am shocked that I let someone like that in to close and touch my heart like that. It has been super destructive. I have a clearer idea now about the self work/therapy goals I want to address to become my best self when I am ready for a more healthy, partnership/romantic relationship. For this insight I am thankful that my ex brought this to the surface for me to do. Maybe that is why she entered my life, for me to grow.
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Pretty Woman
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« Reply #10 on: March 07, 2017, 11:15:59 AM »

For the record, I never reached out to my ex's exes. I would NOT recommend doing this only because often they are in contact with them (if they hadn't painted them black). If you are painted black they will try to pin you as a "stalker" etc. and it could hurt you more than any "closure" could bring. Just my opinion... .

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« Reply #11 on: March 07, 2017, 11:39:11 AM »

I live in a small and gossipy town. My exBPD's former wife also lives in the town - I'd like to hear her story as she has nothing to do with ex and socialises in the next town - I've never seen her in our town and I think there's probably a reason for this.

Although I'd like to hear her story I will never contact her. It would serve no good purpose apart from prurience. It would probably trigger me and her too.

I had a passing encounter today with the person my ex has just spent a vacation with. He sent me an email while on vacation with her, suggesting a chat and catch up with me, this week. He emailed me a few hours after their return asking if I am around this week. I have not replied and when I met her I kept the conversation informal and friendly avoiding reference to their vacation. I have no idea if she knows he's emailing me, whether their holiday was a success or not or whether he's lining me up for a recycle or if he is attempting triangulation. It's best not to know and not to poke a hornet's nest.

But it is typical BPD behaviour and dangerous to get involved.
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balletomane
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« Reply #12 on: March 07, 2017, 03:40:50 PM »

Since many of our BPD exes have triangulated us with their exes, I was wondering if any of those exes have reached out to you as the nonBPD either during your relationship or upon your discard. Or have you reached out to his/her exes? Since our exBPDs leave so much destruction in their wakes and negatively impact to many lives, I was just curious if the "survivors" flock together?



I reached out to the woman after me, the one he cheated on me with, but only because I'd known her in the past and we'd got on well together, although we'd never been close. I doubt I would have approached a stranger. I did it because I felt that I needed acknowledgment from one of the people involved in the situation in order to heal 100%. I knew I'd never get it from him, and that only left her. She didn't know he'd cheated on me with her, because he had insisted that we keep our recycle a secret and I agreed (I would have done anything for him, even though I could see where this was going). She thought we'd broken up over a year before he got together with her. She was devastated to find out the truth, but also grateful, because he had said and done many of the exact same things to her (literally word for word) and hearing that it had happened to me too stopped her from blaming herself. She told me that she had thought of me a lot and had wanted to ask me questions, so she was glad when I got in touch.

I should say that I only approached her when I was quite far on in my own recovery, after a year had passed. I wouldn't have done it when the emotions were still raw and painful. I also wouldn't have done it if I had thought they were still together. She was an adult woman with the freedom to make her own choices and mistakes, and I didn't want to come across as the bitter ex or to exacerbate my 'rescuer' tendencies - it was those tendencies that kept me in such a destructive relationship in the first place. I went to her after I knew they were over, and asked if she wanted to talk. If she'd said no I would have respected that and told her nothing, but she accepted. We're pretty close friends now, and in our own right, not based on shared suffering - we have a lot of common interests and now we hardly ever even mention his name. We have our own lives to be discussing.
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Pretty Woman
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« Reply #13 on: March 07, 2017, 04:00:17 PM »

Ballet, thank you for your post. I think the key here is you didn't approach her when she was still dating your ex, she had been treated similarly so it was relatable.
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cubicinch
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« Reply #14 on: March 07, 2017, 04:11:25 PM »

Ballet, thank you for your post. I think the key here is you didn't approach her when she was still dating your ex, she had been treated similarly so it was relatable.
gives some comfort, clarity and closure to both...   in a way similar to me expressing my concern to her father about her state of mind... we became close friends over it, and in a way supported each other. Even if Im an estranged partner, they are still connected to their daughter, but the divide between them just grows wider and wider each time she screws up, everyone knows it's her fault, and she can only avoid being confronted over it. They have all but lost hope over her, and that she'll be a normal daughter to them. I'm sure when I came along as the new love interest, they had high hopes, only to be dashed when I turned up to tell them she was messed up and I was concerned. Sad indeed, but very little anyone can do. 
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« Reply #15 on: March 08, 2017, 12:47:04 PM »

No, but as my ex was leaving I told him to keep my number and share it with any of his new lovers if they wanted to ask me about his DV conviction  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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AustenJ
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« Reply #16 on: March 21, 2017, 10:25:51 AM »

There is absolutely no way I could be just friends with my exBPDgf whom I work with every day, even though she says she would like to have a friendly relationship.

She ended up in my town because she followed a boyfriend. He was with her when she attempted suicide in college, so she has a magical connection with him. They dated less than 2 years because she was cheating on him incessantly. But they remained best friends... .he lived with a couple of male roommates and lived 15 minutes outside of town... .she lived alone in town. She would have dinner at his house every week with his roommates. He would still be a caretaker at times--getting her out of bed when she was depressed; going to church with her; go on runs with her... .but they never went on "dates" per se, there were never any sleep overs in our time together... .she insisted that they were just best friends; however, there were other exes that never knew about him.

Before I knew she was diagnosed with BPD, she had a horrible breakdown when I was with her... .she was barely conscious, sobbing, emotional, suicidal ideation... .I had her reach out to this BFF and after I left, he came over to sit with her for a few hours... .I came back later to check on her after he left and she had cut her inner thigh and her breast... .I had no idea about cutting as a coping mechanism at that time and thought her BFF had abused her! I remember sobbing about how screwed up she was... .should have RUN then! That was still pretty early in our relationship... .

My question is why did this BFF engage her all these years as a friend? He would be there for support after every one of her failed relationships, which as you can imagine, there were dozens... .she had betrayed him in the worst possible way by cheating on him, impulsive, reckless sex... .this guy is an engineer, smart, educated in the ways of BPD... .why would he subject himself to this toxic relationship? What is in it for him?

There's no way I could ever be her friend.





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« Reply #17 on: March 21, 2017, 10:52:57 AM »

She has successfully turned him into her slave- shell of a person.
Then, she triangulated you with him.
Double catch.
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Pretty Woman
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« Reply #18 on: March 21, 2017, 11:01:39 AM »

Complicated, some people lack boundaries. It's that simple.

What he does for a living has nothing to do with it. My ex is still friendly with her ex who is a psychologist, an educated woman, successful in her field.

I replaced this woman and was told she was a stalker, that she raped my ex and my ex needed an RO against her. A year into our relationship my ex was calling this person for advise on how to install a circuit breaker.

How many people call their rapists for home improvement advice?  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

Some people are willing to put up with being rejected over and over, used and abused. Some have a high threshold for pain, others are just happy to get an ounce of attention from their abuser.

Some are also narcissistic and using your mutual ex. I have viewed this personally. There are a lot of factors as to why some remain in contact but make no assumptions there is a true friendship at hand.

A BPD friendship is one sided. You are only valuable when needed and those needs can change minute to minute, hour to hour. A true friendship is mutual and both parties are there for each other. That is not capable with a BPD. When you need them they can just up and leave or ghost you. It's never reciprocal and you aren't missing out.

Consider yourself lucky.

PW
 
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« Reply #19 on: March 21, 2017, 11:03:28 AM »

Sounds incredibly co-dependent. They have probably been cannibalizing each-other for years while triangulating unwary partners along the way. A death sentence for any mentally healthy relationship for sure. So glad for you that you're away from that!
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AustenJ
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« Reply #20 on: March 21, 2017, 12:04:23 PM »

Her BFF got layed off and moved back to New York... .6 states away... .I thought things would get better with my ex when he was gone... .

instead she went on a 2 week drunken bender, staying overnight with her BFF for almost all of that 2 weeks (sleeping on the couch, of course), highly emotionally dysregulated, a total mess... .he left before thanksgiving, and she came back to me, naturally... .

Got her emotionally back to "normal" when she said she was going to see her BFF over Christmas break for 10 days... .that this was an effort to see if they could work things out romantically... .because she has always said that he wants to marry her and that she always saw herself married to this guy... .she said he was willing to move back here or she was to move out there... .we made love on her last night and she left me a very nice love letter... .when she returned and right before she discarded me, she said that she had determined that she and her BFF were destined to only be best friends... .and reading between the lines, I think her BFF is probably glad he now lives so far away... .but I'm sure he will continue to be recycled... .just going to be much tougher now that he's out of state... .brutal
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« Reply #21 on: March 26, 2017, 11:46:12 AM »

My ex phoned me after ending 2months ago. Crying down the phone saying she missed me. This was the obvs charming technique. Can't believe I got sacked back into it. After 5days of her phoning. I went round there. And then he got sacked back in. She told me she spoke to someone in a nightclub. The night she split up. And said they never met up. But knew she was lying. Why wouldn't you meet up with someone you know That you meet in a club. They are such liars. And after me not wanting to go down to hers one night he I finished work. She cried. And made me feel bad. So we had a massive row because I didn't wana come down one night. She made my life so difficult. Then the next day she just text me saying we arnt getting along and ended it.
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« Reply #22 on: March 26, 2017, 04:13:37 PM »

My experience is that I'm eventually cut off after relationship, no matter how well I've treated them... .But then I tend to attract women with NPD elements in the mix.  Good time, does a wonder for the self esteem.

Never heard from them again, 2/3 married the guy they cheated on me with. (More $$$)

Lucky dudes.

The latest ex, who knows what or who she's doing.  Haven't heard from her since the day we broke up 8 months ago.
 
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