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Author Topic: She's having an emotional affair.  (Read 1910 times)
Vatz
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« on: February 16, 2012, 08:11:38 AM »

It's just as the title says. I have been unhappy with how things are going and I will tell her that I feel mistreated.

Last weekend I was over at her house she was texting someone ALL DAY all weekend. Like some wuss I didn't say anything. It made me uncomfortable and it was rude. We hadn't seen each other in two weeks and there she is texting some guy on her phone-I know it's a guy because I can see the caller-ID photo with the texts (like they have on messengers and stuff.) It was right there to see. Red Flag

Then she calls this guy and tells me "I'll be right back" she NEVER does that. She always stays in the room with me when she's on the phone. When I went to go place something in her room, she was UNDER THE COVERS completely covered. Red Flag  

On top of that she has his photo as the background of her phone. Red Flag  

To make matters worse, she tells me that she will be visiting her sister for her birthday this year.  Casually mentions she'll finally get to meet this guy...and here's where I felt sick...she plans on staying over at his house for a night. Red Flag  


So as you can imagine, I'm angry. I'm infuriated, but worse still is I don't actually know if anything is going on. But these are all red flags I CANNOT ignore. If she's texting the same guy and hiding when she calls him, it doesn't look good. I'm pretty certain she's already having an emotional affair. I wonder if maybe she's already crossed a line and had phone sex with the guy (it seems petty to worry about that but it's a big ___ing deal to me!)

So later today I'm going to call her and confront her about these things. I will tell her that her behavior is suspicious, it's rude and the fact that she didn't even ask me if it was okay to stay over at this dudes house already tells me something. I don't like this one bit and I'm going to let her know about it. It's unfair and it hurts and makes me anxious and I have to actually SAY SOMETHING about it.

Does anyone know how I can go about confronting her on this? When I DO talk about something, I'm blunt and I come off as aggressive (I don't know how to be assertive so it comes out as aggression...at least that's what she tells me.  I'll be some of you are laughing at me taking her words to hear right now.) But yes, does anyone have any tips on how I can go about telling her this? Or should I just be blunt?
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PainOfAge
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« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2012, 08:21:19 AM »

Vatz,

Before I say anything let me just remind you that I too am in an abusive and dangerous relationship with a BPD woman.  What is written below is my opinion based only on the post you made here.  Grain of salt, and all that.




The things you describe paint a picture.  It is a picture of a woman who no longer cares about you, and has found a replacement.  It is a picture of a woman who has such a deep seated emotional pain, that she WANTS to rub your nose in it.  You need to see that she WANTS YOU TO HURT.

It doesn't matter why.  It doesn't matter if it was something real or imagined that put her in this state, because she is here now.

If she is staying the night with him, she is going to be ~ing him.  Imagine for a minute that you were this guy, and she was herself.  What would happen in that situation?


Vatz, man, I feel for you so badly right now.  This girl is triangulating (read definition) you, and if you let her she is about to drop an avalanche of pain on you.  She is already PLANNING on sleeping with him, and TELLING YOU about it.  Red Flag  

Protect yourself, friend.  If you call her to confront her, it doesn't matter what tact you use... it will be exactly what she wants.  She is over you, and she just wants to hurt you.  She is going to drive the screws into your temples and see how long you will stay as her faithful slave boy. 


My humble advice is to go NC, right now and forever more.  What she is doing to you is WAY out of bounds in a monogamous relationship.  If you guys have an open relationship that's a whole different story... but based on your words that isn't the case.  As much as you are hurt right now... how are you going to feel when she decides to share the details of her "amazing, earth-shattering, mind blowing" new sex life with you? 
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Vatz
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« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2012, 08:27:14 AM »

Here's the problem though...

That weekend she was still really nice and sweet and everything. Besides the texts and everything else she was actually NICE. We didn't fight and she didn't yell at me about anything. She had spent the whole week getting ready for me to come over.  And she didn't totally ignore me physically. We had sex and stuff like that.

It's like there's one side of her that's sweet and fun and caring. The other side that acts very strangely...



It's like I'm dating two separate people!
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PainOfAge
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« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2012, 08:39:26 AM »

Here's the problem though...

That weekend she was still really nice and sweet and everything. Besides the texts and everything else she was actually NICE. We didn't fight and she didn't yell at me about anything. She had spent the whole week getting ready for me to come over.  And she didn't totally ignore me physically. We had sex and stuff like that.

It's like there's one side of her that's sweet and fun and caring. The other side that acts very strangely...



It's like I'm dating two separate people!

Yeah, I can understand that.  But it is part of the triangulation (read definition).  Listen, I could be way off here.  I don't think I am or I wouldn't have said anything... but it is possible, I don't know her.

The "two faces" is something we all know pretty well.  I've been married 9 years, and the only reason I lasted this long was because there was a "good side" to her that I always wanted to get back.

But you know what I have come to realize?  Both of those faces are a part of her.  She can't be one or the other, she has to be both.  But not at the same time.  It is maddening, and painful, and confusing.


I know you feel like you are dating two separate people, but if you look at this objectively I think you will see that she really IS dating two separate people...




You can blow me off, Vatz.  I know what I am saying is presumptuous.  I just see something here, and I am trying to help you either prepare for or avoid the pain-train that is coming your way right now.

Let me ask you this... if this was any other girl, and she wanted to spend the night at some guy's house whom you don't know, and whom she is having very private communication with, and whom is the picture on her background (  )... would that be okay with you?

Imagine for a moment that what I am saying is true.  IF it were true, and she was the kind of woman who could and would do that (and rub it in your face), do you think she would be incapable of having sex with you just because?  IF she was that kind of woman, do you think her having sex with you would mean she wouldn't do it with someone else?



I know there are things here you don't want to see, but time will tell the truth.  I sincerely, truly, hope I am wrong.
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WalrusGumboot
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« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2012, 08:42:43 AM »

Not only is it an emotional affair about to cross over into a physical affair, but it is in your face.

Think about that for a moment. She is bold enough to do this in front of you, right under your nose.

I understand how your self-esteem might have suffered, but this is a time to salvage what is remaining of your self-respect. Don't merely call her, CONFRONT her. Demand an answer. Expect lies. Be ready to walk.

Good luck.
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Vatz
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« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2012, 08:50:22 AM »

It's so damn painful but I don't think my situation could ever improve.

I mean look at me. I'm short, I'm poor, I'm just...average looking... every woman will treat me this way. The difference is whether or not they'll tell me. Maybe I'm just not physically good enough for any woman to stay faithful to me. It's like peacocks, I'm the specimen with the bland and unimpressive plumage. Sure I might find a mate, but she'll always run off to someone else because I'm just not really all that great. It's just how human sexuality works. I'm bland, so I must be genetically unimpressive. So of course my mate would happily sneak off some extra-pair action with someone better.

Whether it's with her, or some other woman...it will just be the same. It's biology.

That's the only reason I can imagine for this to be happening.
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slimmiller
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« Reply #6 on: February 16, 2012, 08:59:27 AM »

Vatz,

One question I have, do you have anything invested beyond her being you girlfriend? Do you have children with this women?

If not run, go NC, 'NOW'. I hate being blunt but when you have a bad feeling in your gut, its probably for a reason and sense you have that gut feeling. Why do I say that, she is already beyond the bounds of anything repsectful as far as the relationship goes and she is showing you and trying to see how much of the crap you will put up with. Like one of the other posters here said, I too hope I am wrong. Fact is mine did almost the exact same thing six month ago, difference is I have children with this women. Otherwise due to the pain she has caused me, she would 'never' see me again.

Good Luck and I feel your pain.  cry

slimmiller
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PainOfAge
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« Reply #7 on: February 16, 2012, 09:09:36 AM »

It's so damn painful but I don't think my situation could ever improve.

I mean look at me. I'm short, I'm poor, I'm just...average looking... every woman will treat me this way. The difference is whether or not they'll tell me. Maybe I'm just not physically good enough for any woman to stay faithful to me. It's like peacocks, I'm the specimen with the bland and unimpressive plumage. Sure I might find a mate, but she'll always run off to someone else because I'm just not really all that great. It's just how human sexuality works. I'm bland, so I must be genetically unimpressive. So of course my mate would happily sneak off some extra-pair action with someone better.

Whether it's with her, or some other woman...it will just be the same. It's biology.

That's the only reason I can imagine for this to be happening.

Not only are you completely wrong, but this is probably why you ended up in a relationship with this BPD woman.


Listen... poor is curable.  I was poor.  I lived on the streets as a kid.  You seem like a smart guy (you can tell a lot about someone by their writing), and I seriously doubt you will be poor forever.  EVEN IF YOU ARE, what does it matter?  There are some very wonderful poor people.  Everyone I have ever loved was poor (although many of them improved their condition).

Short and average looking.  And?  Do you really want to be in a relationship with a woman who judges you on things you have no control over, and have no relevance in life?  Those kinds of women aren't worthy of you.


Vatz... men like us who get involved with BPD women usually share some traits.

We are usually emotionally damaged.  We are usually self-sacrificing.  We are usually very loving and understanding.  And we also usually put other people ahead of ourselves.

Good women... real women, want us.  I don't know how old you are... but once you get out of the very early twenties you are going to become a hot commodity.  If you think I am messing with you... go ask some on the "Building your life after BPD" board.  Those are good, sensitive, caring, loving women. 


Quote
Sure I might find a mate, but she'll always run off to someone else because I'm just not really all that great. It's just how human sexuality works.

This is wrong.  This is NOT how human sexuality works.  This is how pubescent boys work.




I am not trying to be mean or rude here Vatz.  Man if I could give you a big hug and buy you a beer I would.  But I also don't feel much like sugar coating this.  You need to get some therapy for your self-image, and you need to get the hell away from the demon who would do this kind of thing to you.

My best friend said to me once... "I hope you know that all of us women aren't crazy psycho btches".
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Alvino
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« Reply #8 on: February 16, 2012, 09:19:44 AM »

It's so damn painful but I don't think my situation could ever improve.

I mean look at me. I'm short, I'm poor, I'm just...average looking... every woman will treat me this way. The difference is whether or not they'll tell me.

(...)


Whether it's with her, or some other woman...it will just be the same. It's biology.

That's the only reason I can imagine for this to be happening.

Vatz, I don't think that's true. It rather sounds to me like she has eroded your self-confidence to the point where you are thinking her behavior is "normal" and you somehow deserve it and don't have options.

Believe me, I was there, including having other guys shoved in my face and having her pass her phone number to strangers while I was sitting there, sulking.

You sound like a sensible guy who has been backed into a corner by someone who is alternately punishing you and then throwing you a few crumbs of sweet to keep you around.

I would tell her you are not accepting her staying the night at another man's house - and you should be willing to walk, because I'm sure you can do better than to keep being emotionally tortured by her.

The behavior you describe is absolutely nasty, disrespectful, and she is hurting you on purpose.

Don't put yourself in that position. If you don't have kids, I'd leave now and go NC while you get your thoughts together. She has apparently lost all respect and you won't get it back by pointing out how much her behavior hurts you. On the contrary, I would be willing to bet that is exactly what she wants to hear.

By staying with her, not only are you torturing yourself, you are also depriving a good and caring woman out there of the chance of meeting you and the joy of being together with you in the future.

She's not good for you - take care of you and you will see that you will meet much better women.
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slimmiller
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« Reply #9 on: February 16, 2012, 09:26:14 AM »



Quote:

We are usually emotionally damaged.  We are usually self-sacrificing.  We are usually very loving and understanding.  And we also usually put other people ahead of ourselves.

Good women... real women, want us.  I don't know how old you are... but once you get out of the very early twenties you are going to become a hot commodity.  If you think I am messing with you... go ask some on the "Building your life after BPD" board.  Those are good, sensitive, caring, loving women. 

End Quote


Thank You!  I needed to hear that from someone else because its my sentiment exactly. So true and its almost infuriating but true. They pick us out and nurture us into a postion and then torture us because they know they can...sick but true. 'If' she ever changes by you telling her she has to or force her it is not 'for' you but rather to string you along till they want to do it again. The more I learn about it, the more I want to get the Hell away from it

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