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Think About It... Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from abusive relationships because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources - and the emotions on both sides "amp" up. The best exit is one where you are boring and resigned. ~ Joseph Carver, PhD.
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diotima
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« Reply #10 on: February 22, 2012, 06:19:50 PM »

avoid: my friend has started limiting her practice because of her burn out. Doing T with a BPD takes a lot out of person because the BPD will do all the crap to the T that they do in any other r/s. btw, my friend is one of the few BPD survivors I know of. She had a more benign version of it, had about 20 years of T, was committed to dealing with it and has been in a long marriage. She has some success with the BPDs she has treated. My own T doesn't want them anymore either because of the toll they take. My T does custody evaluations on the side and she says just about all of them involve a BPD and that's enough contact with them for her. I am not sure what details you might want to know about--ask questions and maybe I can answer. Basically, BPDs have no object constancy and so can't do r/s's.

Diotima
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jacksondog
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« Reply #11 on: February 22, 2012, 06:45:08 PM »

I feel for you RIch5, my story is very similar. It is so disheartening in my case to let my guard down, show her how much she really meant to me, and to show her I would never do anything to hurt her. And come away with crazy episodes of them sabotaging all the love you have for them. It was like they were always testing your love for them. I even wrote about this in one of avoidatallcost the topic was I think What was the craziest thing with your BPD.

and I wrote how frustrating it was to tell your gf how you love her, treat her good, show he how much you care, and  then sabotage the relationship with craziness. For me this is why I feel  sad. If they were normal It could have  been a great ending to the rest of our lives together.
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avoidatallcost
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« Reply #12 on: February 22, 2012, 07:27:00 PM »

Hey trolldog I remember that post it was from my thread called "What was the most Frustrating Thing About BPD for you" and here is what you said:

I think for me the most frustrating aspect is, when in the beginning  of the relationship it appears that both of us are so much in love.What we both seem to be missing in our lives we gave to each other. Then I guess you might put this in the push and pull category, she would some how make it seem as though I was doing things on to hurt her, or make her feel bad. I guess acting as a Victim. It was strange, you have this lady that your madly in love with and I wouldn't do a thing to make her feel bad at least on a degree of somebody hating you for it.And the next thing you know your defending yourself trying to explain that you would never do anything to hurt them . Its like they are constantly testing your love for them . This question is hard to dissect . I felt I was in a tornado for a lot of the relationship.

I think Stonehead echoed your sentiments here and summed up BPD insanity quite well when he wrote

Avoidatallcost, these people are crazy. How else can you explain away their crazy actions? These pwBPDs are extremely dangerous in that they appear normal in every other way. To the outside world, her ordinary friends and coworkers, she may appear very intelligent, sweet and considerate. It is only with those who are very close to her that she will show her real and ugly face.

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avoidatallcost
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« Reply #13 on: February 22, 2012, 07:29:47 PM »

Basically, BPDs have no object constancy and so can't do r/s's.

Diotima

I thought they couldn't have relationships because of their extreme fear of intimacy.. are their relationship problems really due to the object constancy?  How so?
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jacksondog
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« Reply #14 on: February 22, 2012, 09:28:05 PM »

Thank you  avoidatallcost for finding that quote pertaining to what was the most frustrating thing with your BPD. To me it brings sadness that you have a unique love for some one who wont be able to cherish it.
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avoidatallcost
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« Reply #15 on: February 22, 2012, 09:36:34 PM »

Thank you  avoidatallcost for finding that quote pertaining to what was the most frustrating thing with your BPD. To me it brings sadness that you have a unique love for some one who wont be able to cherish it.

The worst part is, you would do all these nice things for them and they wouldn't even care.  I would ask her how she could treat me so badly after all the nice things I did for her.  She looked at me like I was evil incarnate, like I was Satan using her for sex and trying to cover it all up with little meaningless tokens of affection.

I made soup for this woman when she was sick.  I picked her up in the middle of the night and drove her home to make sure she was safe.  I held her when she cried.  I was always there for her when no one else was.  And how did she repay me?  By having sex with other men literally the day after spending a weekend with me and telling me she loved me.  After all my experience in dating women, I still don't know why I allowed her disorder to cloud my judgment of her actions and allowed me to forgive so many truly unforgivable behaviors and actions.

And I still don't understand this almost sociopathic lack of caring and empathy.. it's like they knew you loved them and would do anything for them, but it still wasn't enough.  They knew how much we loved them, and they'd still sleep around and criticize you and blame you for everything that was wrong in the relationship.  And they know so well how to make you feel bad about not being able to get them to completely trust you.   And the entire time I'm thinking, "why isn't she trusting me what am I doing wrong here?"  

Little did I know that this lack of trust had nothing really to do with me.  It was because of the abuse she had suffered growing up.  I wasted so much time blaming myself!
« Last Edit: February 22, 2012, 09:41:54 PM by avoidatallcost » Logged

 

 

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