Should I send the letter?

[joanlee]

Hello, I have written a goodbye letter for some kind of closure for myself... .  divorced a year and a half ago after 36 years. I did it for myself, but want him to know how much this has affected me, since he never seemed to care much before. I don't really want to start a fight. He is already seeing someone else, and I don't even want him to reply to the letter. I won't read his response, because I know how insane it will be. But I don't know if I should just 'let it go', the way I always have, or send it and consider it done. It will make me feel like it's finally over.

Any suggestions?

[Newton]

joanlee... .  I'm truly sorry to hear of your divorce after such an amount of years together... .  

I do understand your desire to ... .  "want him to know how much this has affected me"... .  

Our partners lack of empathy seems to be one of the most bewildering and devastating aspects of their disordered thinking... .  

Do you think that aspect of him will have changed since your divorce?... .  or as a result of reading the letter?... .  

Attempting to get an emotionally "deaf" person to listen to our feelings is a bit of a non-starter... .  

Writing the letter is great closure... .  for YOU.  I believe sending it will either be futile... .  or like poking a hornets nest with a stick... .  

Acceptance that its finally over needs to come from you... .  not him.  

[Changed4safety]

I would write the letter for yourself, and then burn it, symbolically "sending" it to his higher self--the one who might be able to grasp it.  It's surprising how gratifying doing things like this can be.  Or else simply journal it.  I don't think ANY good can come of sending the letter to him.  You say you don't want him to, but then it sounds like you know he will. 

Try for a third path between "letting it go" and sending it physically to him by doing the above or something similar.  You can always change your mind later if this doesn't bring you enough closure.  If you send it, it will reopen things again, not close them.  My two cents.

[joanlee]

Thanks... .  I think the reason I mostly want to send it is for my kids. He said some despicable things to them about me during his alcoholic episodes... .  things I told him in confidence a long time ago. I'm sure he doesn't even remember, because he was in a stupor. I'd like for him to realize what he said, even though he probably will say I'm lying once again. I read on one post where a guy sent a goodbye letter and it did him some good for closure... .  I still don't know what to do. I did write it for me, maybe best leave it alone.

[staystrong]

He'll get off on it.  He'll love that he has control over you even now and he'll use it against you.  The clock to recovery starts with the final exchange, just like sobriety ends with the last drink.  Stay on the wagon.  Do not send it.

[staystrong]

Sorry - typo: sobriety "begins" not "ends"

[joanlee]

I know what you mean, but I really don't want any communication from him after I send it. I just feel he has hurt me and my kids and doesn't know it. I know it's stupid, and the same old, same old, but part of me just wants to vomit all over him, and then leave. As a parting gesture. I want no more of this insanity after the letter, but in the letter I am saying things l really want him to know, and that I've never been able to say. He thinks everything he's ever done has been the right thing. It just bothers me that he has a new relationship, and doesn't even care enough to visit his own kids & grandkids. don't know that a letter would make any difference, but it sure would make me feel better. I've been practicing letting go and forgiveness ad nauseum. Part of me just wants to send him my honest thoughts and be done with it. Now would probably be a good time, since he has another love interest. At least he won't come over and try to kill me.

[Newton]

I know precisely what you mean... .  it feels sometimes like they have almost gotten away with emotional murder... .  then they seem to swan on with their lives as if nothing happened... .  

Is there part of you that wants recognition from him of your pain?... .  

Do you think he can manage that?... .  

How bad did his anger get?... .  were you concerned for your safety?... .  

[BentNotBroken]

Poke the hornet's nest and tell the hornets how bad it hurt you the last time you bumped into the hornet's nest.

Sound like a good idea?

Don't send the letter. You want to offload some of the pain that is rightfully his to bear. He will not bear it, because he is incapable of it. If you send him a letter telling how much you are hurting, his disordered mind won't allow him to take any responsibility and he may even get satisfaction out of knowing how bad you are hurting. After 36 years, he knows what buttons to push. Why show him where the most sensitive ones are?

I learned the hard way that my BPDex had split me black, and any bit of information I gave her after that point was later used to hurt me even more.

She twisted and shared every intimate confidence with anyone/everyone she could in order to wound me as deeply as possible. In her disordered mind, I was evil and had to be destroyed in every way possible.

Even the most kind, selfless acts were turned into ways to wound me over and over again.

The person you knew is gone. It would be like sending the letter to a total stranger that hates you intensely.

[joanlee]

You are right... .  I also wonder what to tell my kids. I know it helped me just finding out about this thing, but it might cause more harm than good.