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Think About It... An individual’s overall life functioning is linked closely to his level of emotional maturity or differentiation. People select ... partners who have the same level of emotional maturity.
Emotional immaturity manifests in unrealistic needs and expectations. ~ Murray Bowen, M.D.
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Author Topic: High functioning vs. Low functioning BPD  (Read 2883 times)
redberry
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« on: July 15, 2012, 11:03:44 PM »

I don't mean to use the word "loser" as a pejorative to insult anybody, but when I think of the basics of what our society expects, it is a pretty accurate word to describe my ex.  "winning" isn't exactly what comes to mind (if I am being honest).  I can tell myself time and again he's "trying," but his attempts at a successful life prove futile and only set him farther back, every single time.  He always, and I mean always, sabotages himself... and in the process digs his a hole a little deeper.

My ex waif has a dead end job that he hates, no money, was served an eviction notice for unpaid rent, mounds of debt, terrible grades and suspended from college, no realistic prospects for financial or career success, a string of failed relationships, a drinking, drug, and gambling problem.  He goes through life with an angry/depressed look on his face, overdue bills, nobody wants to share living space with him because he doesn't pay his bills...  I don't see things getting any better for him, in fact they have gotten progressively worse.

I was just wondering if other people who were involved with BPDs (especially waifs) saw similar (self-imposed) struggles that are really unnecessary?  It is this reminder of his slowly spiraling downward lifestyle that gives me strength to stay away.  I don't want his ever expanding list of problems to become my problems.
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CaptainM
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« Reply #1 on: July 15, 2012, 11:31:29 PM »

I was just wondering if other people who were involved with BPDs (especially waifs) saw similar (self-imposed) struggles that are really unnecessary?

Definitely. My ex would set her expectations of herself so high and yet put so many impediments in her own way it made things so incredibly hard for herself and only further reinforced her own feelings of failure and the world being out to get her.

Where I would try to roll with the punches an accept good things when they were within reach, my ex would find praise so hard to fathom that even rewards to her career were looked at with suspicion or as though she wasn't good enough to fulfil expectations.

Despite all this she still managed moderate success in her career and in a few other aspects of life - but it was always (and I'd wager always will be) a constant struggle to keep that ship steady.

Quote
It is this reminder of his slowly spring downward lifestyle that gives me strength to stay away.  I don't want his ever expanding list of problems to become my problems.

Absolutely. We can't help those who don't want help, and we often have enough on our own plate as it is.  Doing the right thing
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maria1
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Actions speak louder than words


« Reply #2 on: July 16, 2012, 01:27:31 AM »

Mine wasn't/isn't a loser by most standards. But he lives largely off other people. He has spent all his divorce settlement money on an Audi tt and furnishing a beautiful flat. The flat he bought with money from his mother.

His ex wife worked in a well paid job and he made a big deal of the fact that he worked part time to do the child care. Now I realise he loved working part time. He's a self employed craftsman and very good at what he does.

He owned a successful business for 10 years and says he got out when it was really successful as he couldnt cope with the stress of success. No idea if that's true but I do think the business did well.
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Denial is what we use to shut out our awareness of things that would be too disturbing to know. It is the shock absorber for the soul.
Slowlybutsurely
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« Reply #3 on: July 16, 2012, 01:45:29 AM »

Mine was the opposite of a loser. She had such charisma, a good job, many gifts and talents, a million friends, her finances 100% together, beautiful and successful. She had everything but good emotional/mental health. Very sad.
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anna58
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« Reply #4 on: July 16, 2012, 02:31:03 AM »

Mine always struggles and blames his childhood or society. He knows his mind is unbalanced but won't go to therapy or take medication (he used to be addicted to valium). He is proud that he keeps going and pushing through despite how bipolar and unbalanced he is.

He is a writer and has had no income for at least 2 years. He won't accept "lowly" work. He isn't really looking for freelance work; says it's not out there. He wrote and sold a script in Los Angeles, for a lot of money, about 5 years ago. He is talented. But can't make his way in the world. He is homeless. Stays with friends or travels and gets short-term rentals. Unstable. Very unstable.

He finds a woman (like me) and then follows her, befriends her, and latches on to her.  Looks like I'm "it". Dammit. I am struggling to stop with my codependent stuff. Writing this helps.
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the_way_back
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« Reply #5 on: July 16, 2012, 06:49:04 AM »

Yup

Mine has even started to dress and behave like one.

She can't keep anything stable or consistent. She quits jobs (or gets fired) after a year or so. She's never tried to do anything about being financially secure and uses others as "meal tickets" and uses our children as leverage to do this.

Sad really.
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Some people just want to watch the world burn
wdone
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« Reply #6 on: July 16, 2012, 07:20:26 AM »

yes, he has very low-end jobs that he is ashamed of, and he finds them hard to keep. 

he is obsessed with "being successful," and cannot seem to do it.

his boss/sponsor/friends have asked me why he works the jobs he does, and why he always loses them. 

he himself calls himself "a loser" "a retard" "dysfunctional" when he is not projecting that onto me.

once we were in a counseling session and he just kept saying he just needs to stop being a loser and be successful, just had to find a good job. 

funny things is i don't CARE about that stuff..i mean, it did open my eyes when i saw hiim losing these easy jobs left and right. it would be NICE if he could keep a job, or make some money.  he does work hard, and works 2 or 3 jobs to pay the bills. until he sabotoges or gets fired again.

he wears the same jeans over and over, and dirty, smelly, holey socks day after day sometimes.  i don't know if loser is the right term..it is more like ILL or DYSFUNCTIONAL.   but, yes, many in our culture would say he's a loser. 

he is so charasmatic though and good looking, and smart,  that i think this is overlooked, until he's been at a job for a while or until people get to know him.

(i guess we all equate loser with lack of money or job and winner as job and money) wink
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this too shall pass...
ConfusedMichael
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« Reply #7 on: July 16, 2012, 07:38:04 AM »

Wdone is right I think, these are traits that stem directly from the illness itself.

My own ex was extremely intelligent, but the stress of dealing with regular lectures, lessons and exams was too great for her.  Since dropping out of college she has only been able to find basic, unskilled work that she hates, working for people she considers to be idiots.  It rarely takes very long for her to lose her patience and her temper and tell them where they can shove their job.

Many BPD sufferers (if not all) also tend to also have addictive personalities.  This can manifest itself in alcohol, drugs, gambling, spending sprees that cannot be afforded, promiscuous sex, and of course the addiction to the relationships themselves, which they repeat over and over without ever seeming to learn from the cycles.  None of this is going to leave them in a great position in life.
« Last Edit: July 16, 2012, 08:22:23 AM by ConfusedMichael » Logged
MaybeSo
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Players only love you when they're playing...


« Reply #8 on: July 16, 2012, 08:56:27 AM »

No, he has two college degrees and owns his own professional firm.
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T. Moore
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« Reply #9 on: July 16, 2012, 09:10:25 AM »

Yes,

She grew up with money and felt entitled to everything she had.  She had college paid for and dropped out after two years (before I met her).  Held a job while we were dating but had no ambition to do anything else.  Then she got pregnant with our 1st child and we got married.  From then on I was her sole support until about 5 yrs ago when a trust was activated in installments.  Even then she couldn't control her addictions (spending, alcohol, drugs).  She had every opportunity and the means, time and money to go back to school or even get a job, but chose to sit at home and do nothing but get drunk/take drugs and wallow in self pity.  I used to tell her if she didn't like how her life was going she could change it if she wanted to.  She never listened to my advice and always took it as critism.  She also surrounds herself with "losers" like herself so she doesn't have to feel worse about who she is. 

T. Moore

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