The Challenge

[GreenMango]

I think we all know how difficult it can be to detach and start moving forward from a relationship of this kind.  When I first found out about BPD and how the pieces of the puzzled started to come together it was a comfort to find a place where other people's experiences were so familiar I could have written them myself.

That camaraderie was very comforting.  I've made friends through this.  As group we could focus on venting, sharing only the painful parts, or we can try and share the things that helped.

On the road to getting better, or getting over it, or moving on I read something about reframing thoughts.  Reframing thoughts to follow the triumvirate of moving forward: optimism, resiliency, and empathy.  I started small and would make this new thing my mantra for the day.

The weird thing was once I started actively doing this I noticed it got easier to do it.  My outlook changed.  I was able to depersonalize a lot of what had happened and to detach a little bit at a time.

So my challenge to anyone that is struggling is take even a little bit of the hard part and reframe it here in this thread.  A lot of times the posts from others have awesome nuggets of perspective that can open windows for those that are struggling.

I look forward to reading how others are reframing their experience. 

[hithere]

My story had boiled down to something quite simple now that I have my BPD relationship behind me.

I have met the most amazing person and am engaged.  This could not have happened to me unless my BPD relationship happened, so whatever suffering I went through was worth it to end up where I am.

One of the biggest changes along the way that I believe helped contribute to my success was that when I first left I decided to take care of me.  I started exercising (ride 6 miles 5 times per week on the stationary bike and light weights twice a week), seeing my friends more, spending more time with my kids. 

And in case this helps someone, my aha moment was that if I stayed in a relationship with my BPD I realized I would have to commit my life to being unhappy most of the time.

[GreenMango]

Were you reframing your thoughts before moving on?  If so, could you give some examples?

One of the ones I did when I started to wax nostalgic and consider that this person was the key to my happiness was to think about the opportunity to meet and spend time with someone that was a better match and how learning new relationships skills would make me a better partner.

[gina louise]

GM,

YES

reframing my thoughts made it easier to cope with the intense amount of pain I felt internally... .  and the struggle I initially felt to keep NC.

So rather than "WHY is this happening to me? This is TERRIBLE! I loved my H-this shouldn't be happening!" (which I did plenty of in the beginning... .  along with crying over it.)

I had a lot of shoulds, shouldn'ts and MUSTS in my inner monologues. I had a freakin' MAP for HOW THINGS SHOULD BE. But that's not HOW things really are!

So in actively re-mapping my mind... .  

I said... .  "There is really NO valid reason in the Universe why this "shouldn't" happen. I can't control how my HUSBAND or anyone else feels, and behaves. It's Unfortunate... .  but it's not the end of my world or MY life. "

AND  "While I PREFER that this whole messy breakup and Divorce was NOT happening to me, to him-to US, and it's a difficult thing to have to wade through, I am confident in my abilities to cope"

AND: "I PREFER that my HUSBAND was not an angry and unstable and deeply troubled man-but he is. I can't fix that for him. It's painful to watch if he will not take action. So since he wants a divorce, its in our interest to divorce. I would rather not-but that's how it is" (radical acceptance)


Also: "Although I WISH that my HUSBAND could see ME for the kind good hearted person I am, his disorder prevents it, BPD distorts his judgment. I wish this were not so. I wish he could accept me-but there is no Golden Rule that says partners MUST ALWAYS accept their SO's. It stings, but I can accept it and know who and what I am-for myself."


I also took action. Stayed in contact with family and friends. Hired a  lawyer.

Stayed NC.

And finally had a very controlled visit after 7 weeks-controlled By ME.



Many thanks to Drs Beck and Ellis.        Rational Cognitive Therapy. (Realistic Self Talk.)

GL

[Blazing Star]

Two things that Really helped me to shift the focus, detach and move forward from my first marriage:

1. Writing a list of at least 50 things that I learnt/that the relationship/that the person taught me

eg

I deserve to be treated with respect.

I don't have to hang around if something feels uncomfortable.

It is okay to express my feelings.

Sometimes I get obsessive about a person, that I forget what is best for ME.

It can be hard to see the lessons, but I found if I examined my thoughts and feelings about what happened then I was able to reframe them:

(what happened) > now I know.

eg

(he was verbally abusive) > I deserve to be treated with respect.

(I didn't know how to act and felt terrible when he raged) > I don't have to hang around if something feels uncomfortable.

(I felt so suppressed around him) > It is okay to express my feelings.

(I was so concerned with what he was doing and saying) > Sometimes I get obsessive about a person, that I forget what is best for ME.

But the key is to focus on the second part, not the first painful part. I guess it is like seeing the positive in the situation.

2. I bigged myself up. All the venting and rumminating wasn't doing A Thing for my self-worth, I was still feeling awful about myself, so I made a conscious to effort to re-frame those thoughts that were contributing to making me feel bad, and would give myself pep talks:

Why did it happen to me, what is wrong with me? > What is Right with me? Lots, such as... .  I am awesome, and he didn't see that, but someone sure will, and until they do I am going to keep reminding myself of that.

It sounds weird, but it can be Very effective to do this in front of a mirror while looking into your own eyes!

[doubleAries]

Something that has been important for me in my seperation (and will clearly continue to be important in the future) is the new understanding about my own approach to emotions. I talk about emotions, I analyze emotions, I judge emotions (whether they are appropriate or "right/wrong" I gauge whether they are proportional--but I rarely EXPERIENCE them.

If my husbands emotions about something were different than my own (and usually they were VASTLY different) then I believed one of us had to be right and the other wrong. I would then analyze to death whether my own emotions were legitimate and/or appropriate and within the "correct" parameters, and decide my emotions were good/right and his were not.

There is a BIG BIG BIG difference between this and just experiencing the emotions. I'm finding stbxH perhaps isn't the only one with some difficulty with emotional issues. And maybe, just maybe, my help/fix/help/fix/help/fix approach was/is just a distraction from dealing with my own issues. That being alone is uncomfortable because there aren't as many distractions.

My husbands inability to empathise forced me (kicking and screaming, of course) to deal with my own problems with empathy. I often can't find empathy for those who can't express empathy. Now this is brought to my attention.

[myself]

One thing I've done from time to time is go outside for a long walk with a camera. It's doing something physical, which is usually good. It gets me to look outside myself, seeing and thinking about things besides relationships, work, etc. It helps me concentrate on 'focusing', too, which is a nice reminder of how the rest of life can be. If I wind up with some beautiful pictures, great, that's a bonus. The days I don't? I'll try again next time. I find the more I do it, the better it becomes, all around. There really is a sense of healing and positive change as it's happening. A hobby that also helps.

[Surnia]

My challenge:

What kind of partners did I choose?

With money problems, they could not held jobs, drug problems, bad anger management... .  

Yes, I read 10 years before about co-dependency. But I did not realize who deep it is written in my brain. My whole self was sort of empty. I existed for and through others.

The challenge is also to fill it now.


Myself:

Walking with the camera.   

Love it too