Fear

[lost007]

Have any of you done something in your relationship with your borderline partner that you are embarrassed about or ashamed of?  Then does your partner threaten to use that information to expose or shame you. To ruin you. In your frustration have you acted out?  If so how did you deal with the fact that your ex or soon to be would exploit this to hurt or damage you. That they would take your deepest secrets that you have confided in them and turn them against you? That fear paralyzes me. It is what has kept me from being able to completely detach. She knows this. If she would just say, we can go our separate ways amicably it would help so much. It' s very uncomfortable.

[numenal]

Yes, yes and yes. My ex used anything he could to try to shame me, even making things up. (He called an ex-boyfriend of mine and told him that I was missing, that I had gotten "multiple DUIs" and that I was some kind of fugitive. All untrue. And when he called, he said he was my brother and very concerned for me.) That is the tip of the toxic iceberg as far as trying to use things against me.

If you are in the process of leaving (congratulations!) I would say, don't worry about what the disordered person is going to try as far as exposing/shaming you. In the big picture, it does not matter. Only people with cruel intentions publicly shame others, and even if the thing is true, the exposing only shows the bad behavior of the exposer.

It's been over five years since I was in a relationship with someone who had BPD (w/NPD traits). More and more, my feelings, thoughts and opinions about staying in such relationships have become clearer: It is not a good idea for the overwhelming majority of people to be in those kinds of relationships. Yes, there are lessons and steps one can learn and take. But when one of a couple has a disorder that causes verbal/emotional and--fairly often--physical abuse, as well as a legion of other destructive behaviors, it takes a whole team of people to help counterbalance the disordered person's behavior.

Why? Because the non needs support too. The non needs to be heard, to be validated, to be lovingly acknowledged, and the non will not get any of those with any regularity from the disordered person. A love relationship is not about one-sided, gigantic sacrifices while the other side stays abusive. Please don't worry about what shenanigans your SO might pull. You can even pre-empt any exposure by bringing up the subject with mutual friends or family yourself. No need to let this person try to control you.

[armsreach]

I've done things that I'm not exactly proud of, but I no longer worry that I'll be exposed. I frankly no longer care what people think of me. I used to be VERY concerned about my image, how I am perceived by others, etc. But, the past year has enabled me to let go of that fear and worry. My stbxh has not threatened to "expose" me, but sometimes I would not put it past him. I know that pretty much EVERYONE has skeletons in their closet, nobody is perfect. By allowing my h to hold that "power" over me, I let go of my own power and I am trying really hard to not give away any more of myself than I already have.  She knows that she's got that power over you, and could use it to her advantage. That's a way for her to manipulate you, to keep you where she wants you.  What would happen if she "exposed" you? Would you be shunned by your family and (true) friends? Would you lose your job, your house, your life? Or would it be more like people would be surprised for a bit, then move on?  What I'm getting at, is, is it really as bad as you think?  Only you know the answers to those questions, just trying to give a little food for thought... .  

[lost007]

I have confided these things to close friends. Few that are left. The only way I was able to leave was to tell myself its time to deal with the fallout if it means peace in the end. Doubt peace anytime soon as she continues to try and win me back with sex, promises, bargains. Just hate that I let myself get into some situations out of lack of understanding of what was happening. I appreciate knowing that it is bad behavior to try and shame someone. Sometimes I have felt it is deserved.

[numenal]

Lost I believe the "I deserve shaming" belief is prevalent in a lot of people who get involved with those who have BPD. (Along with many other negative beliefs and the common: "Must rescue this person."

Perspective can get even more skewed after even a short while spent with someone who has BPD. It is definitely not part of loving behavior to shame or expose the loved one.

[Mupetto]

My ex BPD wife would encourage me to do things that were foolish, against my normal moral set and sometimes illegal. Now that I am free to be "me" again (sounds weak doesn’t it) I shake my head at some of things I agreed with, went along with or at times actually did. Like Lost007 suggests these would later be used against me particularly if I ever dared to criticise any of her behaviours.

I have now left and gone NC she is, via email, threatening to expose me. The other she is able to do is recall incidents with such clarity I am constantly astonished. Names, dates, cost etc. It is as if she deliberately stored them in her memory because she new that the information would be useful later on.

I also have a real fear that she will act on some of the information she has. Not sure what I can do about it, except to take a long term view and re-establish my corrupted integrity.

[seeking balance]

I also have a real fear that she will act on some of the information she has. Not sure what I can do about it, except to take a long term view and re-establish my corrupted integrity.

The truth - if she wants to use it against you ... .  she will.  Worrying about something today that MIGHT happen in the future is fruitless.

Most of the time - our worst case scenerio doesn't play out - and if it does, it still doesn't play out the way we think it might.

Forgive yourself - first and foremost.  Figure out what core buttons were pushed that made you act in opposition to your core values - by learning these buttons, we can protect ourselves from getting into the situation again.

Honestly, we all have stuff we regret - it is how we handle ourselves in the face of adversity where we see real character.

Hang in there,

SB

[Take2]

Yes, I certainly do have things I fear my exBPD-bf could expose.  But at this point, it's not that I don't care anymore, but I too am just willing to make the pain and rage and abuse stop and live with the consequences.  Yes, I'm human.  I have made mistakes.

It's part of being alive.  I'm not perfect.  But I'm a very loving, kind, considerate person who is extremely forgiving.  Things I deserve in return.  Things I did not and do not get in return from my ex.

[Hope 4 a better day]

I too went through a similar experience. My BPD X took information that I shared with her and twisted it and used it against me. As a result I lost a 17 year friendship which was a shock at the time however I now see he was not much of a friend anyway. My weakness was I loved her and I also felt sorry for her. She seemed to function from such a fearful place and thus I compromised who I was to try to help her. In the end she hated me anyway and now I am working to take care of myself. She tells others lies about me constantly and I just let her as I will not crawl back in the gutter and fight with her. I cannot compete with the nastiness and I do not want to. Today it is still hard but I do know who my real friends are and where I learned from my childhood to accept this type of crappy treatment and for me that is real progress.

[Mupetto]

Thanks Seeking Balance.

I recognise that I will have to deal with the fall out “if” she carries out her threats. I think it’s about her need for revenge for “all the bad things I have done to her”. Things such as love, commitment, loyalty, steadfast support etc. But in her world I lacked all the above and never did enough. I never matched up to those early, idealised impressions of me.

It’s so hard to let go of these distortions and at time I want to act out myself about the injustice my character has subject to and probably continues to be subject to. But I know if I do that I am playing her game and not being the true the me that I long to become again.

And to “Hope for a better day”, I also loved and compromised self and ended up being hated for it.

When we met she adored me like I had never been adored before. But as we spent more time together found data to use against me. Yet as I spent more time with her I liked her and foolishly accepted her increasingly toxicity of her tongue. I though as time went by I would be able to “prove” that I loved her. It ended up breaking me. At some point we crossed over and our r/s became always about me trying to prove or explain myself. Regular line of hers “yer but that’s just words”.

Can’t win, never could, doomed from the start. But I did it anyway. Man what a learning experience. 

[lost007]

I agree. Everyday became about proving my love. And no matter what I gave up or how hard I worked the bar always moved. I like the advice that someone who truly cares would not try and threaten you to maintain a relationship. Intellectually you know that is true. Practically when you are dealing with the craziness it's easy to forget that point.