whats my disorder?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am seeing a T and working hard at it starting to get to my FOO and my issues. right now im stuck in a mostly anger stage about my R/S with my uNPD/BPDxgf, In past R/S that failed I have cried and cried a lot. not in this one though ive haad tears but not a single good bout of crying, we have been seperated for 4 months now and not one single breakdown, it feels weird.

also Im trying to figure out why I get so attached so quickly and deeply to women i dont know good enough and for long enough.Im 41 and ive only had 3 serious R/S, Ive had lots of dates with girls i went out with for a few weeks or months but nothing serious with them. Ive only had sex with 3 women in my life and thats the 3 serious R/S ive been in, I dont do one night stands or casual sex because sex is very important to me and in a R/S  it seems that once sex happens im hooked to that person and I will refuse to give up on the R/S even if its bad, they have to leave me, which is what happened for all 3 R/S. my first R/S was to my uBPDxw is with her for 6 yrs she cheated on me , about a year later after the divorce I had my 2nd R/S with a dx textbook BPD I was with her for 6 months before she pulled the Im leaving you before you leave me, I was devestated because we were going to get married, the end came out of no where because the day she ended it (through email no less)she told me how much she loved me and hoped I would never leave her,  we never had 1 single fight and she never attempted a recycle. because I was so confused about how things ended i started searching for answers and found this site Yay.

I took 3 years off from dating and thought I was ready for a R/S and swore I would never get in a R/S with a disordered woman again so what did i do? I fell for a woman that was worse than all 3 put together, STRONG and I mean STRONG NPD/BPD traits. one commen thing with all 3 serious R/S is things started off super quick, sex with in a week or less and a instant R/S.

my questions are, I will use my latest R/S with my uNPD/BPDx as a example. I have known this woman for only 8 months and we have been seperated for 4 months we really only had 3 or 4 good weeks before all the issues started and a good day here and there after the issues started, so mostly bad stressfull times together except that the sex was the best I have ever had from the first time and all the way to the split up. It wasnt porn star sex but more of a emotional, natural and connected to each other sex, It felt like this was the most sexualy compatible woman for me and it felt nothing like the other 2 girls I had sex with in my past.

Ok the questions... .  

1. why do I have such deep strong feelings for my latest x when I only knew her for 8 months?

I feel like ive been married to her for 10 years, I shouldnt be this attached. I understood why i felt so bad with my xwife because we were together for 6 yrs. but 8 months in? really? I feel as bad if not worse then i did with my xwife.

2. could it be my lack of sexual partners that made the sex with my latest x seem so perfect? she often said that I was weired because I couldnt have sex with someone I didnt have feelings for (one night stands or hook ups) and at 41 i only had sex with 3 women.

[Eco]

I am seeing a T and working hard at it starting to get to my FOO and my issues. right now im stuck in a mostly anger stage about my R/S with my uNPD/BPDxgf, In past R/S that failed I have cried and cried a lot. not in this one though ive haad tears but not a single good bout of crying, we have been seperated for 4 months now and not one single breakdown, it feels weird.

also Im trying to figure out why I get so attached so quickly and deeply to women i dont know good enough and for long enough.Im 41 and ive only had 3 serious R/S, Ive had lots of dates with girls i went out with for a few weeks or months but nothing serious with them. Ive only had sex with 3 women in my life and thats the 3 serious R/S ive been in, I dont do one night stands or casual sex because sex is very important to me and in a R/S  it seems that once sex happens im hooked to that person and I will refuse to give up on the R/S even if its bad, they have to leave me, which is what happened for all 3 R/S. my first R/S was to my uBPDxw is with her for 6 yrs she cheated on me , about a year later after the divorce I had my 2nd R/S with a dx textbook BPD I was with her for 6 months before she pulled the Im leaving you before you leave me, I was devestated because we were going to get married, the end came out of no where because the day she ended it (through email no less)she told me how much she loved me and hoped I would never leave her,  we never had 1 single fight and she never attempted a recycle. because I was so confused about how things ended i started searching for answers and found this site Yay.

I took 3 years off from dating and thought I was ready for a R/S and swore I would never get in a R/S with a disordered woman again so what did i do? I fell for a woman that was worse than all 3 put together, STRONG and I mean STRONG NPD/BPD traits. one commen thing with all 3 serious R/S is things started off super quick, sex with in a week or less and a instant R/S.

my questions are, I will use my latest R/S with my uNPD/BPDx as a example. I have known this woman for only 8 months and we have been seperated for 4 months we really only had 3 or 4 good weeks before all the issues started and a good day here and there after the issues started, so mostly bad stressfull times together except that the sex was the best I have ever had from the first time and all the way to the split up. It wasnt porn star sex but more of a emotional, natural and connected to each other sex, It felt like this was the most sexualy compatible woman for me and it felt nothing like the other 2 girls I had sex with in my past.

Ok the questions... .  

1. why do I have such deep strong feelings for my latest x when I only knew her for 8 months?

I feel like ive been married to her for 10 years, I shouldnt be this attached. I understood why i felt so bad with my xwife because we were together for 6 yrs. but 8 months in? really? I feel as bad if not worse then i did with my xwife.

2. could it be my lack of sexual partners that made the sex with my latest x seem so perfect? she often said that I was weired because I couldnt have sex with someone I didnt have feelings for (one night stands or hook ups) and at 41 i only had sex with 3 women.

[ambi]

They're great questions Eco.  Unfortunately, they're also questions only you have the answers to.

The split with BPDH is the first break up I've initiated.  I haven't had many r/s in this life and I'm in my 40's.  I have started noticing I'm attracted to people these days and begun to think about dating.  I notice that I daydream in my head.  Those daydreams seem to fuel some feelings that aren't warranted for me.  It's the fantasy that allow me to jump into r/s more quickly than I should.

I like the companionship that comes with having a r/s.   Seahorse posted the other day about liking consistency and stability.  I like knowing there's someone there at the end of the day.  For all the craziness that happened with BPDH, he wasn't there at the end of the day and that's why I initiated the break.  I wanted to be free to find someone who would be there at the end of the day.

And, I'm scared that I'm going to jump into a r/s again and/or choose poorly because I focus more on having a r/s than who I'm having the r/s with. 

[P.F.Change]

I don't know the question to your question #1. That is something I hope you are able to uncover inT. I suspect it probably has to do with your unmet emotional needs. For whatever reason, you seek out emotionally unstable partners who leave you. Thinking about your FOO with your T might help a lot in figuring out why that is.

In regards to your question #2, again I don't know, but I doubt having had more partners would have changed anything. Many members have said that sex with their pwBPD was incredible, addicting, intensely emotional. I don't know why that is, but I do know that pwBPD can be gifted at mirroring, that is, at putting on the identity they think their partner wants to see. Maybe she has learned that being good at sex can keep her partner from leaving. Who knows... .  Have you looked at the "When is good sex a bad thing" workshop?

My question to you would be about your sexual boundaries. If you know you become intensely connected to your sexual partners, how did you decide to sleep with your latest ex after only one week? Do you think having a longer getting-to-know-you period before you agree to sex could help you?

Personally, I'm of a dying breed that reserves sex for marriage. So three partners sounds like a lot to me.  Also, do you want to be using the judgment of a pwBPD (w/NPD traits) to determine how you feel about yourself? Do you think you're weird because she said so? Do you think you should be having one night stands? Or is it ok for you to be the one who decides what you are comfortable doing? Myself, I think it's pretty smart to honor your own values and boundaries. I'd wager she made fun of you because she has NPD, not because there's something wrong with you.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Eco]

thanks ambi and P.F.change

I don't know the question to your question #1. That is something I hope you are able to uncover inT. I suspect it probably has to do with your unmet emotional needs. For whatever reason, you seek out emotionally unstable partners who leave you. Thinking about your FOO with your T might help a lot in figuring out why that is.

I belive It has a lot to do with unresolved issues from my childhood and these women stir up feelings from my past. Im also working on my co dependency in my R/S

Have you looked at the "When is good sex a bad thing" workshop?

yes it hit home

My question to you would be about your sexual boundaries. If you know you become intensely connected to your sexual partners, how did you decide to sleep with your latest ex after only one week? Do you think having a longer getting-to-know-you period before you agree to sex could help you?

absolutely If things dont work out between me and my latest x I plan on doing that in my next R/S. the problem I have is im to trusting, I hear you're the perfect man and i want to be with you, I believe what im told because I want the same thing.

Also, do you want to be using the judgment of a pwBPD (w/NPD traits) to determine how you feel about yourself? Do you think you're weird because she said so? Do you think you should be having one night stands? Or is it ok for you to be the one who decides what you are comfortable doing? Myself, I think it's pretty smart to honor your own values and boundaries. I'd wager she made fun of you because she has NPD, not because there's something wrong with you.

I feel fine with having only 3 sexual partners heck I planed on only having one, I wanted to grow old with my xwife she was my first and i was 30 at the time so I was hoping she was going to be my first and last. yeah I will never have one night stands its not what i want, I miss the married life and thats my goal to get that back. I thought my latest x was going to be that for me because she wanted the same thing but the illness wins

[seeking balance]

Honestly, I think some of us attach quickly for a plethora of reasons.

Until my divorce, the longest I was single was about 3 months.  I stayed with people for all the wrong reasons and invariably things ended.

Now... .  I accept who I am and realize feelings don't have to rule my decisions.  I am logical even when I feel myself going into date fantasy land... .  it is discipline of the mind, body and emotions for the greater good.   My natural way of being?  Nope... .  but I am not doing this again and the only person I can control is me.

Peace,

SB

[P.F.Change]

absolutely If things dont work out between me and my latest x I plan on doing that in my next R/S.

I didn't realize you are still hoping to get things to work out with her. You have now been apart half he time you have known her. Are you still in contact? Are you sure you want to sign back on to a relationship with someone who has BPD?

Have you also gotten a look at the material on "The idealization to devaluation switch?"

At any rate, it is great tyat you have a T and are trying to get at the deeper issues behind your struggle. What was your FOO like?

PF

[Eco]

thanks S.B

Now... .  I accept who I am and realize feelings don't have to rule my decisions.  I am logical even when I feel myself going into date fantasy land... .  it is discipline of the mind, body and emotions for the greater good.   My natural way of being?  Nope... .  but I am not doing this again and the only person I can control is me.

so true thats the mindset im working to

[Eco]

I didn't realize you are still hoping to get things to work out with her. You have now been apart half he time you have known her. Are you still in contact? Are you sure you want to sign back on to a relationship with someone who has BPD?

I still want things to work out and im not sure if she wants to down the road or not because she still has us "in a relationship" on facebook. she is 7 almost 8 months pregnant with our baby so im hoping after the birth her hormones will calm down but im not sure things will get better because a newborn will bring more stress.

we are in very LC, it would be NC from her if we didnt have a house together, the lease isnt up untill aug so we only talk about money at the moment. Me and my son are staying at my parents house.

as far as wanting to get back together with someone with NPD/BPD I keep flip floping in my mind, I do know that i cant live like we were living.

What was your FOO like?

not good at all my mother is very codependant and my dad is most likely NPD. Im sure im trying to "win" a battle and gain acceptance and love from these disordered women that I never got from my dad.

I have a lot of work to do with my T

[P.F.Change]

My mother is the main pwBPD in my life. There are others with BPD and NPD on both sides of my family. So I have an understanding of where you are coming from. Challenging the way we learned to think about ourselves from our FOO can be difficult work, but it is worth it. Learning healthy boundaries sometimes feels like trying to speak a whole new language. But with practice, that gets better, too.

You know your father left you feeling a need for love and acceptance. What messages do you hear in your head about yourself? I used to believe things like, "I am a bad person," "I am not really lovable,"  and, "I do not deserve to be happy." I wasn't even aware that is how I thought about myself... .  all I knew was I felt miserable and ashamed . Working with a T and figuring out where those messages came from has helped a lot, and I have learned to replace them with more helpful alternatives. I wish you well as you continue this process. Going back to your original post, can you see how your tendency to emotionally latch on to women stems from your history wih your FOO?

I did not realize you are a father. I suppose no matter what, you will need to have contact with your ex so that you can coparent. Are you seeking a legal custody agreement? Working the lessons on the staying board and checking out the co-parenting board will likely be helpful whether you decide to get back together or not.

Letbus know what else you might like to think through or work on here. Hope you will keep sharing.

PF