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Author Topic: trying to move on from exbfBPD... he's married.  (Read 368 times)
tryin2moveOn

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« on: January 16, 2013, 01:04:07 PM »

i was tricked into a relationship with someone who (just now learning) is most likely BPD. some background:

i worked with him. while we worked together, he set me up by telling me that he was separated, that his wife just gave birth to another man's baby (he said she got pg during the separation and there was NO WAY it was his), that she had cheated on him previously, etc. basically i felt genuinely bad for him. i mean, who wouldn't?

within a month of hearing these stories as his coworker, he heard me talking about wanting to go to a concert, but i didn't want to go alone. of course he LOVED this band too, and offered to go along with me (btw, he never listened to their music and looking back, knew only one song of the whole set). that night was the first "date."

consequent weeks, he charmed me. brought me gifts, told me how beautiful i was, how special i was, how i was the one he had been looking for, that he wished i was the mother of his three children, etc. i even met his children, multiple times. he told me that he told them i was his girlfriend.

but i never met his wife. or his family. or his friends. granted they were all out of state, but still, never offered to plan trips to meet me.

so many details in the middle, but basically we were together for three years. i ignored a TON of red flags. many many many arguments. he told me i was crazy. i was paranoid. i was obsessive. that he was working on the divorce, but it was very difficult bc the wife was a "monster" and there was the custody issue with the fourth child he claimed wasn't his. he never even used his name, just called him, "the boy." claimed her parents watched him while he watched the oldest three while she worked.

he also claimed that he lived with a coworker, and bc we could never come "out" as it would risk both of our careers.

about six months ago, i confronted this coworker and he had no idea what i was talking about. i confronted the BPD and became enraged. within a week he had another job. claimed he was moving out of the area, leaving the wife and kids behind, and starting over. i wasn't ready to move on, and so we continued the craziness, now just as a LDR. he would come to visti me once every week, stay the night, etc.

about three weeks ago, all my doubts and instincts and red flagsjust became overwhelming. i googled his wife's name and his city, and saw that back in october, they purchased a house toether. there. so i invited him over to confront him with these facts. sure enough, he kept lying, said he didn't really live there. so then i called his wife. and she told me there was never a divorce, that they were married with four kids who were all his, etc. she never once yelled at me. she never called me a slut. i apologized to her and let her know that he had lied to me about the nature of their relationship and that i didn't willingly have an affair. she thanked me for calling. it was so weird. he stood there, completely silent while i talked to her. i thought for sure he would rage on me but he didn't. he stayed for anoher hour and tried to refute what she told me.

and now, i'm STILL in contact with him. i can't accept the reality of everything. i want to call her back and tell her EVERYTHING, as i just told her about 5% of what i wanted to. but i know i shouldn't. i want her to leave him. i'm carrying a TON of anger right now, that he wasted three years of my life, only to go back to his family and leave me at the company with a homewrecker reputation and miserably alone, as he drove my family and friends away from me.
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bpdspell
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married.
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« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2013, 01:17:03 PM »

Trying to Move On,

Welcome

I'm reading your story and it sounds like something out of a scripted soap opera. I'm so sorry that your relationship with your suspected undiagnosed BPD unraveled into such a nightmare. BPD's and marital affairs are common and BPD males are especially known as narcissistic cassonova's. This has to be very saddening for you. As you read the articles on these boards take comfort in knowing that you have joined a community of people who have been a part of the toxic dance that is BPD. Read & post as much as you can. With this information you will be able to move forward in the best way possible for you. Here's a great start:

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Rooting for your journey in recovery,

Spell


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tryin2moveOn

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« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2013, 01:30:22 PM »

thank you! i really am trying. i found a counselor and i hope she can help. we go one or two days with no contact, and then he texts me and i become involved in communicating with him. i try to go on dates with other guys, and all i can do is compare them to him - the GOOD him, the one who wooed me in the beginning. the one who was my "soulmate" and who was chivalrous and polite and a perfect dad who just wanted the best for his children.

the lies are just sickening. there were literally THOUSANDS of them. even now, last night, he is still lying... .  and i'm still even listening

he's been with his wife for 15 years. i want to reach out to her and let her know that he is most likely BPD and to please take care of herself and the kids. but then i wonder... .  does she already know? does she choose to stay bc of the four kids? does she also have some PD? why didn't she ask me more questions? why does she stay with him? according to him, since i told her 2.5 weeks ago, she has asked him very little and has been very cold and ignoring him. i know that if some woman called me with some story about being my husband's girlfriend for three years, i'd have *more* than a *few* questions, immediately!


or maybe he's even lying to me about that. maybe they fought, he lied about who i was (in fact, since he was so quiet, he could have easily told her he was never at my house), maybe she kicked him out.

will he eventuallyl leave me alone? each time we agree to stop communicating, it's always him that reaches out again first. it really sets me back.
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bpdspell
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Relationship status: Married.
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« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2013, 01:55:29 PM »

thank you! i really am trying. i found a counselor and i hope she can help. we go one or two days with no contact, and then he texts me and i become involved in communicating with him. i try to go on dates with other guys, and all i can do is compare them to him - the GOOD him, the one who wooed me in the beginning. the one who was my "soulmate" and who was chivalrous and polite and a perfect dad who just wanted the best for his children.

the lies are just sickening. there were literally THOUSANDS of them. even now, last night, he is still lying... .  and i'm still even listening

he's been with his wife for 15 years. i want to reach out to her and let her know that he is most likely BPD and to please take care of herself and the kids. but then i wonder... .  does she already know? does she choose to stay bc of the four kids? does she also have some PD? why didn't she ask me more questions? why does she stay with him? according to him, since i told her 2.5 weeks ago, she has asked him very little and has been very cold and ignoring him. i know that if some woman called me with some story about being my husband's girlfriend for three years, i'd have *more* than a *few* questions, immediately!


or maybe he's even lying to me about that. maybe they fought, he lied about who i was (in fact, since he was so quiet, he could have easily told her he was never at my house), maybe she kicked him out.

will he eventuallyl leave me alone? each time we agree to stop communicating, it's always him that reaches out again first. it really sets me back.

As you move forward in understanding BPD in more depth you'll realize that BPD is a toxic dance of two emotionally broken people. You'll have to do some serious soul searching and introspection to figure out how you ended up here. The red flags were ignored because of your own desire and need to be rescued. I'm never one to judge. I was in your shoes. I was wooed, made love to and seduced and I felt like a reckless teenager with my ex but I also ignored his lies, his anger, his entitlement, his rage, and I accepted his constant betrayal because of my own poor sense of myself. Acknowledging these things within yourself will take time but if you really want to grow from this experience you will not only have to understand your ex's BPD behavior more but you also will have to look within yourself.  

Trying to Move on. You are in the midst of deep triangulation (read definition). It's you, your BPD narcissist and his wife and children. In many ways you probably feel like you are competing for his attention and love. In many ways feeling of not being good enough have been triggered.

As for his wife. If she's been with him for 15  years then more than likely she is fully aware of who she is married to. Quite frankly I wouldn't be too concerned about trying to further connect with her. Try to keep the focus on you and think about your future. BPD is a serious mental disorder and your very married BPD will never be able to give you the life that you deserve.

Technically as much as it stings to hear you are the other woman and more than likely your BPD will not leave his wife. I can feel that is what you want but you will never be able to trust your BPD after the world class lies he has told you. And without trust a relationship is doomed.

Take care of you and read, post, and read,

Spell
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tryin2moveOn

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« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2013, 02:28:11 PM »

it hit me last week when the counselor asked me why i wanted to contact the wife. i fully admitted that it was because i wanted her to leave him, so that i could have him. and then i go down that path and i realize, "he is the ~tiest husband anyone could ever have... .  i didn't wait 35 years to get married to settle for THAT!"

it's all so confusing. i go back and forth between missing him and wanting to help/fix him and be the wife to make him the good man i thought he was, and hating him and wishing everyone and everything he ever loved would leave him to die a miserable old man.

i know that i would never ever ever ever ever trust him 100%. and i know that his wife, even if she were his exwife, would trigger his behaviors and it would be neverending custody and child support drama. i also have read enough to know that he has a real fear of abandonment, such that he will never leave her and he would most likely make it very difficult for her to leave him.

so for me? it's lose-lose.

i just need to find the win-win of finally cutting off all communication with him and working on healing myself. i feel like i've just been mind-fvcked, like i lived in some alternate reality for the past three years. it's so surreal.
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bpdspell
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« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2013, 02:35:58 PM »

it hit me last week when the counselor asked me why i wanted to contact the wife. i fully admitted that it was because i wanted her to leave him, so that i could have him. and then i go down that path and i realize, "he is the ~tiest husband anyone could ever have... .  i didn't wait 35 years to get married to settle for THAT!"

it's all so confusing. i go back and forth between missing him and wanting to help/fix him and be the wife to make him the good man i thought he was, and hating him and wishing everyone and everything he ever loved would leave him to die a miserable old man.

i know that i would never ever ever ever ever trust him 100%. and i know that his wife, even if she were his exwife, would trigger his behaviors and it would be neverending custody and child support drama. i also have read enough to know that he has a real fear of abandonment, such that he will never leave her and he would most likely make it very difficult for her to leave him.

so for me? it's lose-lose.

i just need to find the win-win of finally cutting off all communication with him and working on healing myself. i feel like i've just been mind-fvcked, like i lived in some alternate reality for the past three years. it's so surreal.

Be easy and kind on yourself. Life has ups and downs and this is a part of the downs... .  a part of being in the valley. You are now in the valley. Accept it and grow in it. I wanted to fix my ex too and get the man I believed I would be my knight. I wasn't accepting of the reality. I didn't want to lose without ever taking into consideration that I would be gaining myself if I cut him loose. Your feelings of ambivalence are common. Be patient with yourself as this process unfolds. I recycled with my ex twice before I could see him for who he fully was: a mentally ill person. They aren't the keys to our happiness and they never will be. My ex treated his ex's like crap. Lied, cheated, and God knows what else... .  I really don't know why I believed that I would be the exception... the one he wouldn't devalue... .  turns out I was wrong. They treat everyone like crap. It's up to us to put an end to the dysfunction cause they sure as hell ain't gonna do it.


Spell
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ForeverDad
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18073


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2013, 09:30:26 AM »

It may not be wise to contact his wife again.  There may be reasons why she hasn't left him.  Maybe she's kept her head in the sand and ignored the incidents over the years.  Maybe she knows but feels there's nothing to do to change him or change her life, after all they have children together and she'll never be able to completely get him out of her life.  Maybe she's okay with his affairs.  Maybe... .  who knows?

It certainly won't be wise to contact exBF again or let him contact you.  In 3 years you never got honesty from him, don't expect him to change now.  You know nothing good would come from more contact, so don't.

You can't change him.  You did inform his wife and did your best to apologize for your part in it.  The remaining responsibility you have is to stay out of his life and her life, now that you know it was a threesome triangle (or who knows, maybe more).

Why do you feel the way you do, shocked at what he did but still finding it hard to cut all the emotional ties?  Partly, you're going through a process.  Recovery from a failed relationship takes time.  Counseling and support helps too, whether here, with a professional or trusted friends and family.  Our relationships meant a lot to us, we were emotionally vested, we can't shrug them off as though they were an old tattered coat.  Your head knows it has to be over, your heart just needs time to catch up.  So it's okay to 'grieve'.  Have you read about the Five Stages of Grieving a Loss?

Learn from this.  Let go.  Move on.
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