If I had let my exbfBPD move in would things have worked out differently for us?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Could it be possible that my behaviour would have had a negative affect on my exbfBPD?  Did I make our situation worse?  He was never in a good place really from the moment I met him.  He never seemed to actually enjoy his job, I don't think he had enough to occupy him either since he worked 4 days a week, he sadly didn't have his parents around, his children were at university, he didn't have his own home and therefore lived on the sofa at his brother's flat until his brother moved in with a girlfriend and then he could have the bed obviously (that was about 10 months ago) if he was there.  I know however that from the start the exbfBPD wanted to move in with me, but as I'd only just moved into my place, I didn't really want that and never let it happen.  I didn't even give him a key.  Yet he stayed at my place every night for nearly 2 years out of the 2 1/2 years we were together.  Was I wrong?  Could I have made things work if I'd let him live with me and have what he dreamt of?  Or would there have been just something else that made him angry about me?  This is one of the main things I question about our break up.  I wonder if I could have saved us and if I am really responsible where this part comes in.  Any views?

[happiness68]

Could it be possible that my behaviour would have had a negative affect on my exbfBPD?  Did I make our situation worse?  He was never in a good place really from the moment I met him.  He never seemed to actually enjoy his job, I don't think he had enough to occupy him either since he worked 4 days a week, he sadly didn't have his parents around, his children were at university, he didn't have his own home and therefore lived on the sofa at his brother's flat until his brother moved in with a girlfriend and then he could have the bed obviously (that was about 10 months ago) if he was there.  I know however that from the start the exbfBPD wanted to move in with me, but as I'd only just moved into my place, I didn't really want that and never let it happen.  I didn't even give him a key.  Yet he stayed at my place every night for nearly 2 years out of the 2 1/2 years we were together.  Was I wrong?  Could I have made things work if I'd let him live with me and have what he dreamt of?  Or would there have been just something else that made him angry about me?  This is one of the main things I question about our break up.  I wonder if I could have saved us and if I am really responsible where this part comes in.  Any views?

[waitaminute]

Haven't been in situation but almost every post here that recounts the history of the rs says it wouldn't have mattered one bit

[happiness68]

It's something that I've thought about a lot lately, as I know it was one thing he always wanted.  You know one of those "what if" moments, when you wonder if you could have changed things for the better.  No matter how badly someone suffers from BPD I really find it very hard to believe that they are responsible 100% for behaving the way they do.  I think I may have triggered some of it in my exbfBPD.  Perhaps if I'd been more attentive, listened more, lots of things that flow through my mind at times.

[j4c]

I honestly couldn't have done much more for my exuBPDgf. Everything she asked for she got. When she raged at me i tried to reason with her in a calm n adult manner. I was great with her 2 daughters. Constantly ran around doing whatever i could to make her life as easy as possible. Without making myself out to be a saint i actually treated her like a princess!

But in typical BPD fashion it was never enough. It doesnt matter what we do. In fact the better we treat them the worse it is once we're painted black.  The closer you get the further they run is my experience.

My ex abruptly left me for dead. She now carries on with life as if i never existed. This disorder is so tough and confusing for us nons who put our hearts and souls into something that was doomed from day one.

[happiness68]

I agree jh4cm.  I put so much into our relationship and really wanted it to work.  The more I gave, I suppose I was getting closer and he was mentally running in the other direction.  If I'd have known, I'd have given him a bit of a run for his money!

[Hope 4 a better day]

My biggest problems with my BPD xgf started when she moved into my home. The closer we got the more problems she seemed to create and the better our relationship was with all of my efforts the more self destructive and the abusive she would become. Looking back our relationship was better when their was some distance between us and we lived miles apart. Living together I busted my butt for her and nothing I did was ever enough for her!

[j4c]

Hope for a better day - that does make perfect sense. I was only with my ex 5 months but I'd pretty much moved in after 3 weeks & apart from me going to work we were living in each others pockets! We were (or so i thought) super-close.

One thing that really baffled me after the break-up & when i'd educated myself on BPD, was how the guy she was with before me had managed a r/s with her for 2 and a half years! Firstly how did he put up with her abuse & BS for so long but also how did she not split him black sooner? I know every relationship is different with working patterns and different personalities but they were living together for over 2 years and obviously i know first hand how confusing & stressful that can be. It did end ugly though with him almost trying to throttle her on their stag/hen night in front of her friends so i guess it doesn't matter how easy-going you are at some point you're gonna flip at her abuse!

[just me.]

Could I have made things work if I'd let him live with me and have what he dreamt of?

Short answer:  No, that would not have made things work.  If it did, then everyone on the staying board would just be sharing links of nice engagement rings they're considering, and this detaching board wouldn't exist.

In many ways, someone with BPD may often seem to just be someone suffering from extreme insecurity and trust issues.  That's all I thought it was before I learned of BPD and acquired a better understanding of the complexities of what was going on.  During my life with my ex, my instinct kept telling me to just "go all in":  Love her and love her and love her and commit to her and reassure her and have kids with her and marry her and build a home together and love her and promise her everything and everything forever and ever.  I figured eventually she'd learn to trust it... .  eventually relax.

If it were not for the fact that she was mentally ill, my strategy might have made a little bit of sense.

The trouble is that although their condition may very well be rooted in extreme insecurity and trust issues (debatable, perhaps) - the result is a mental illness that is much more severe than that.  It's a world in which honesty breeds distrust, affection breeds resentment, and commitment breeds panic.  It's not logical.  It's mental illness.

They are like magnets where both the north pole and the south pole are on the same side.  It doesn't matter if you're contorting yourself to be north or south, they're still pushing and pulling at the same time.  They crave closeness unbearably, but closeness is a horrible trigger for their fears of abandonment.  The closer and more committed we became, the more terrified she became.  In the end - the notion that another human being was actually counting on her and committing his life to her made her completely crumble in just about every way imaginable.

I do not believe my story is unique or uncommon in this regard.  Although I learned a lot and grew a lot from my relationship with her, it is safe to say that the idea of "going all in" on this purpose was a genuine mistake.  I built my entire life around her, and brought two children into the world with her.  The fallout of my mistake is overwhelming.  Don't wish you'd given him more of yourself.  Be grateful you didn't.

[seeking balance]

HI,

It is normal for us to think we could do something different - we all do this.

Take a look a article 9 - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

Several of these could apply to your question.

Ultimately, we all do the best we can with what we know in any relationship.  These relationships are loaded from the beginning... .  pwBPD have a hole in them that we can not pour enough into.

Keep reading about the disorder - take ownership for your part and whatever issues have led you down this path - but let go of the thought you may have been able to save it.

Peace,

SB

[myself]

She had her own place, then lived with me. Stayed with a friend a lot of the time, to run away, then came back to me. She had a key here, her things here, didn't matter. I helped her be as comfortable as possible. We made plans to find a new place, to start fresh together, but she'd never follow through. It was going to go the way it went because of the disorder. The distance didn't help us and the closeness didn't, either.

[happiness68]

just_me_500 - this really did choke me reading this.  Be thankful.  I hope that I will be one day.  Perhaps it's just too early. It's funny but where you say about commitment scaring them, I can't get that.  My exbfBPD was married for 20 years 4 years ago.  I mean how did he manage to stay married for all that time if he can't commit?  I must admit it ended quite sourly from what I understand.  At first, he told me he fell out of love iwth her, which of course I accepted, thinking it was normal.  However, as we went down the line, I learnt to understand that one night at a do with his friends, he was telling his friends about how to treat a woman, partners were included in the evening.  With that, he turned to the nearest wife of a friend and kissed her full on and then another and told everyone that women needed passion.  From what I understand, his ex wife was so humiliated, he said it was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I can completely understand how she must have felt.  I'd have felt so stupid and humiliated and hurt.  I don't know what I would have done.  That poor woman.  However, is that something he did because the commitment scared him?  I just don't get that part.

Could I have made things work if I'd let him live with me and have what he dreamt of?

Short answer:  No, that would not have made things work.  If it did, then everyone on the staying board would just be sharing links of nice engagement rings they're considering, and this detaching board wouldn't exist.

In many ways, someone with BPD may often seem to just be someone suffering from extreme insecurity and trust issues.  That's all I thought it was before I learned of BPD and acquired a better understanding of the complexities of what was going on.  During my life with my ex, my instinct kept telling me to just "go all in":  Love her and love her and love her and commit to her and reassure her and have kids with her and marry her and build a home together and love her and promise her everything and everything forever and ever.  I figured eventually she'd learn to trust it... .  eventually relax.

If it were not for the fact that she was mentally ill, my strategy might have made a little bit of sense.

The trouble is that although their condition may very well be rooted in extreme insecurity and trust issues (debatable, perhaps) - the result is a mental illness that is much more severe than that.  It's a world in which honesty breeds distrust, affection breeds resentment, and commitment breeds panic.  It's not logical.  It's mental illness.

They are like magnets where both the north pole and the south pole are on the same side.  It doesn't matter if you're contorting yourself to be north or south, they're still pushing and pulling at the same time.  They crave closeness unbearably, but closeness is a horrible trigger for their fears of abandonment.  The closer and more committed we became, the more terrified she became.  In the end - the notion that another human being was actually counting on her and committing his life to her made her completely crumble in just about every way imaginable.

I do not believe my story is unique or uncommon in this regard.  Although I learned a lot and grew a lot from my relationship with her, it is safe to say that the idea of "going all in" on this purpose was a genuine mistake.  I built my entire life around her, and brought two children into the world with her.  The fallout of my mistake is overwhelming.  Don't wish you'd given him more of yourself.  Be grateful you didn't.

[happiness68]

Thanks seeking balance - loaded from the beginning, I've never thought of it like that.  I loved him so much.  I dislike myself for having put so much into us and trying so hard (especially towards the end).  I would have given almost anything to make it work.  I know it wasn't right, because I know that I couldn't stay long term with a man who spoke to me the way he did and flew off the handle for no reason shouting, cursing and swearing, but I loved him, I really did.  I wish I would have always kept a part of me separate and I'm so angry with myself that I didn't.  I do take ownership for being in the relationship 100%.  Maybe you're right letting go of thinking I could save it.  Thing is I've fought for anything worthwhile til the bitter end. I don't think I've ever failed like I have with this relationship.  I will read that article link that you sent me.  Thank you.

HI,

It is normal for us to think we could do something different - we all do this.

Take a look a article 9 - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

Several of these could apply to your question.

Ultimately, we all do the best we can with what we know in any relationship.  These relationships are loaded from the beginning... .  pwBPD have a hole in them that we can not pour enough into.

Keep reading about the disorder - take ownership for your part and whatever issues have led you down this path - but let go of the thought you may have been able to save it.

Peace,

SB

[goodguy]

Happiness, you did not fail. You GOT OUT. Your BPD ex would have ruined your life

[happiness68]

goodguy I didn't get out through choice.  If I had the chance yesterday, I'd have gone back to him.  Right now I'm not so sure.  It's strange how you change from day to day.  Yes, perhaps he would have ruined my life.  My parents don't know that I believe he suffers BPD, but I remember my Dad telling me it sounded like I had a lucky escape and how he would have ruined my life.  You could be right goodguy ;-)  Right now, I feel like I've failed.  Time I'm sure will put me on the right road and of course, being on here with you guys.  You just make it all seem so much more normal.  I don't feel alone now that I've been chatting with you all.  You just get it having been there yourselves.

[Changed4safety]

Fell in love with mine online.  Was in an open relationship with now ex-husband.  BPD moved (I moved him... .  paid for everything) 1,000 to move in with me.  Two weeks before he left, he had a threesome with the girl he was living with and a girl he'd met twice (knew her, yes, online) who said she was in love with him.  FAILED to mention this to me--in an open relationship!

Two weeks after he moved in, he wanted OG (Old Girlfriend) back.  They got engaged in March.  She told me she wanted me to still be in their lives as I was.  He made it clear that he didn't.  Still lived with me, still not getting a job.  Cheated online with cybersex with 16 other women.  Still costing me about $2,000 a month for his living expenses and medications (which he protested at first, but damn me, I didn't want him to not have good health care, as he was bipolar and had neuropathy and dibetes.)

Graduated to therapy with me while lying to me and the therapist and taking pics of himself in the tub and sending them to an "old friend." 

Anger started coming out not just in yelling, but wall punching, computer smashing, and choking me. 

I finally had to move out of my OWN apartment and move a thousand miles away.

Only just recently ended it... .  we are still in communication.  He has a job (amazing how he could find one when he couldn't for four years... .  ) and I am still paying for his phone and his therapy, but thank God nothing else.

No.  It wouldn't have made a difference, and might have made things much, much worse.

[goodguy]

Happiness, I didn't choose to get out either. Like everyone on here, despite bending over backwards, but I was betrayed, cheated on, and then lied to about it. Still haven't gotten an apology or admittance of wrongdoing. She is now on to the next one and reading him the same script she read me. But despite the blows to my ego and the pain of thinking of her with the next guy, I recognize that it is a good thing to be out. You just need time to process

[happiness68]

Changed4safety - I'm sorry to hear about your experience.  If that was what I would have had to look forward to or even anything similar, I'd say you're right.  Most people on here have told me that it wouldn't have made any difference.  In fact, I think they all have so far.  This was one of the things I was getting angry with myself for, not sharing, not living together.  However, by the sounds of it, perhaps it was my sixth sense speaking to save me or so to speak ... .  

Fell in love with mine online.  Was in an open relationship with now ex-husband.  BPD moved (I moved him... .  paid for everything) 1,000 to move in with me.  Two weeks before he left, he had a threesome with the girl he was living with and a girl he'd met twice (knew her, yes, online) who said she was in love with him.  FAILED to mention this to me--in an open relationship!

Two weeks after he moved in, he wanted OG (Old Girlfriend) back.  They got engaged in March.  She told me she wanted me to still be in their lives as I was.  He made it clear that he didn't.  Still lived with me, still not getting a job.  Cheated online with cybersex with 16 other women.  Still costing me about $2,000 a month for his living expenses and medications (which he protested at first, but damn me, I didn't want him to not have good health care, as he was bipolar and had neuropathy and dibetes.)

Graduated to therapy with me while lying to me and the therapist and taking pics of himself in the tub and sending them to an "old friend." 

Anger started coming out not just in yelling, but wall punching, computer smashing, and choking me. 

I finally had to move out of my OWN apartment and move a thousand miles away.

Only just recently ended it... .  we are still in communication.  He has a job (amazing how he could find one when he couldn't for four years... .  ) and I am still paying for his phone and his therapy, but thank God nothing else.

No.  It wouldn't have made a difference, and might have made things much, much worse.

[happiness68]

goodguy - I'm sure you're right.  It's early days.  I think I get angry with myself where I'm impatient, because I want to be back to normal. I've never experienced anything quite like this before.  I guess we doubt ourselves in the early stages.  I'm sorry for your experience.  I'm sure her next one won't last either.  Give it a couple of months.  Most of us on here, most of us nons, are very tolerant and offer unconditional love.  There aren't many like us, at least not many who are as tolerant as us.  My exbfBPD was married for 20 years and then alone for 18 months before me, during which time he went from one to another for 2-3 months.  I could never understand it when I first started dating him.  It' strange though as I always thought how odd it was that he'd ended things with these women before me for such stupid reasons, for example one who didn't make tea the way he liked it spite him according to him.  Now I know don't I.  He would have done what he's done to me, except the women before me didn't put up with it or go after him.  As I say, take some consolation in knowing that she will be going through the sane thing with the new man and that won't last either, probably for far less a period of time than the relationship with you.  They must feel terrible the BPD's.  They're such tortured souls they really are.

Happiness, I didn't choose to get out either. Like everyone on here, despite bending over backwards, but I was betrayed, cheated on, and then lied to about it. Still haven't gotten an apology or admittance of wrongdoing. She is now on to the next one and reading him the same script she read me. But despite the blows to my ego and the pain of thinking of her with the next guy, I recognize that it is a good thing to be out. You just need time to process

[Diana82]

Hey

I keep wondering the same thing. My ex wanted to live with me and expressed this to me a few times. Even her family wanted us to live together (they really liked me).

The issue we had was that I was still in the closet with my parents and needed to come out to them prior to considering moving in with my ex. My ex was patient with this though.

She was living at home with her parents when we met and having some issues with her mum. So I let her stay at mine whenever she wanted... I gave her a key and let her use my internet during the day (she was studying at the time) and use my gym etc. My place was her place kinda thing.

But even this closeness didn't seem to make her feel secure with me. I always detected an underlying insecurity and an overreaction to things.  This was further amplified when I couldn't find work and wanted to move with her somewhere else.

She didn't want to move, and then complained about feeling like a "liability". She'd blame me for feeling this way. It was obvious that I would never have left her for overseas/interstate but she convinced herself  that I would.

I was devoted to her... but she still felt insecure and that I would leave. So either I would leave because she wasn't satisfying me enough or because I couldn't find work here and had to move somewhere else.

Get this... .  on Facebook there was this game I played one day. I got sent the link. It generated where I will next go on holiday to and for how long. It then posted this as a status update.

Mine generated:  I am going to Amsterdam for 1 year!

My sister played the game and hers said:  I am going to New York for 3 years!

My ex was furious at me. She actually believed that I would put a status update on Facebook like that?  She told me "you should have called me when you put that up- and told me it was just a game!"

And I couldn't believe it. It was an extreme overreaction and showed that she was insecure about me abandoning her from the beginning. I calmed her down... but it concerned me that she actually thought I would do that? That I'd announce via Facebook I'm going to Amsterdam for a year!

I was her trigger.

[Ex-Vamp-Slayer]

I am going answer your original question. NO