Any insight would be appreciated...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

And my reality says that if Dave wanted to he could get an officer to esort him there and get the tree.

[almost789]

And my reality says that if Dave wanted to he could get an officer to esort him there and get the tree.

[Dave44]

For the people that mentioned about asking after Christmas and it not being a priority:

I Texted her on the 28th of December saying I left the tree there. I asked her when she takes down her Christmas decorations (which would be put back in the crawl space where the tree is sitting) could you pull the tree out and leave it outside one day and I'll swing by and grab it when you go to work. She said I'll drop it off at the front entrance of your apt building. To pull it out as she was putting her decorations back is a no brainer, it would have took no time at all.

New Years came and went (when most people take their stuff down). I waited till that weekend and still nothing. The following Monday I sent her a text simply saying "are you going to return my tree?". She replied with "yes this weekend". I then asked, "would you mind just pulling it out right now and throwing it outside or even on the road by your car and I'll swing by and grab it? I just want to get this over with so I can move on." She replied with "sorry I don't have time and a tree shouldn't prevent you form moving on". I said "ok just please text me when you drop it off so i can bring it in". So for the people that are saying its not a priority or she's just got other stuff going on... .  Common, it would take all of 5 minutes at the MOST.

As for getting the police to escort me there to get it. Yes, that is an option. However to be honest with you the idea of that scares me. It scares me becuase when we were dating she told me how she accused the father of her youngest for doing some really horrible things. He was brought into the police dept and questioned several times. Of course I believed her and hated him for it but knowing what I know now... .  considering he was never convicted of any of it I often wonder if it was stuff she made up. I fear getting the police involved may open a can of worms that would not be pretty.

I don't know what I'm going to do. It was very simple for her to do, I gave her every option to return it. How hard would it have been to throw it out on the road? It would have taken her more effort to keep avoiding this then to have actually of done it. I suppose I will work on myself and heal a bit first. Yes I'm only a few weeks out and yes I'm hurting. Obviously I have my own issues that led me into this relationship and to have turned a blind eye to all the red flags -- I realize that. Maybe that's just what this woman came into my life for? To force me to address these issues so I CAN have a healthy, loving relationship. This is all stuff I'm aware of but to be so easily discarded when you put your everything into it was tough. Especilly just before Christmas and especially to have possibly lost my mothers tree. I'm hurting.

[almost789]

Yes Dave getting then police to help you get your tree IS a real option, however if you fear her making up some abuse story about you,I understand! Thats scary. Your in such a difficult position. You will introspect and learn about your issues when u reach that point. You will let go with grace, eventually. But theres nothing wrong with being hurt angry and confused right now. Its normal! And your right about what you said earlier, wish we could let go as swiftly and easily as they do, but its not normal human nature to let go of love so swiftly. When you feel your being pushed to rush through the stages, please check out the links on here about the stages of grief, healing and abandonment. So that you can remind yourself it takes time. It doesnt happen in 3 weeks.

[Whatwasthat]

 Dave

Firstly - forgive me - I haven't had the chance to read the whole of this thread - just bits and pieces - so please excuse me if I end up repeating what others have said or make points that aren't relevant!

But I have my own experience of something similar and have thought about this a bit so wanted to offer a perspective that might help.

I too had very strong feelings when a particular possession - both emotionally and financially valuable - was not returned to me after the sudden end of  my strange and painful r/s. It wasn't nearly as significant as your tree though - which is clearly a very important reminder of your mother - so I'm very sorry for how painful that must feel!

I was - in some ways - surprised that the loss of a mere 'object' could upset me so much. But then I started to think about why this was. For me it was because my r/s - like yours - went from 'I cannot be without you  - please move in with me - let's plan the next 20 years together' to ... .  nothing... .  overnight. That is very, very shocking. It's not something our hearts and minds can process without a great deal of time and effort. It's traumatic.

So I saw that the treatment of my possessions kind of summed up the overall situation. One day I was urged to move as much of my stuff into my ex's house as possible - and the presence of my things in his home was a source of delight to him - and the next moment - having suddenly dumped me - he couldn't really be bothered to find an important thing of mine and post it back to me.

So the treatment of the things symbolised the suddenness and weirdness and sheer incomprehensibility of the changeability of his emotions. My possessions were - like me - cherished above everything one minute - and worthless  the next.

And that's why it mattered to me so much that he couldn't be bothered to take care of them and return them to me - and still hasn't. It was a concrete representation of how suddenly valueless I had become in the eyes of someone who appeared to care for me greatly. And I did fight a bit to get my things back because I thought that by forcing their return I would make him show - at the very least - some respect for someone who he claimed - just days before - to hold at the very centre of his life and now couldn't be bothered with at all.

This may be why you feel particularly strongly about this at this time. And it is understandable that you should.

In the end I got a friend to write to try and retrieve my things - because I did want this stuff back and I knew that trying to remove the emotion from the situation - and make the whole thing more impersonal - could help. Sadly he still couldn't be bothered. But it might be worth it in your case to try this route.

In time the memory that my valued things meant nothing to my ex has served as a useful reminder to me that he's not a caring and thoughtful man. And that by losing him I have in fact lost nothing at all - except the likelihood of a lot more heartache.

I do hope you get your tree back. But I also think it would be wise at some point to understand that what the tree symbolises (both in terms of the love between yourself and your mother - and the shocking lack of care your ex has shown you) is more important than the tree itself - and that it's not worth expending vast amounts of emotional energy on attempting to retrieve it.

Wishing you well. WWT. 

[cookiecrumbled]

WWT -

Beautiful post.  Thank you.

Cookie

[GreenMango]

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