Hey clancy... . you're like a month behind me buddy... .
Just get through this man. Any way you can... . don't feel ashamed for spending time alone and taking care of yourself. Don't worry about making any mistakes socially... . for me it helps to get out there and if i act a little strange oh well. Normal people aren't usually as vicious as my exwBPD was about every little thing. I am oversensitive right now, and also blurt things out that are probably not socially acceptable... . but oh well. If they are as open-minded, as we are, I am sure that they will be able to overlook strange behaviors... . and if not that's okay too.
One of the reasons i got in to this was caring too much what other people think about me... . it feels good to be validated, but the validation we got from our exwBPD when things were good is not realistic.
My Uncle, the child psychologist, tells me that sometimes we need to go through things to evolve. The "type of love" that we felt for our uBPDex is more of a puppy love or an idealized love... . which in reality doesn't really exist. Just like santa claus, the tooth fairy, or anything else. While my ex idealized me, it made me idealize her... . because during the good times she made me feel totally accepted... . and the bad times were so frequent and confusing, that it made the good times stand out that much more... . giving me cravings to get back to that place... . even though neither I, nor my ex with a dysfunctional personality and limited left brain functioning could not consciously recreate.
The only way to recreate that experience is essentially to "play games"... . indefinitely. I don't want to play games anymore in my romantic rs... . it might have been fun to her, or a game, but to me it became russian roulette with my sanity.
I went from bf, to ex, to dear friend, to bf, to love of life, to friend, to ex, to dirtbag, to saint... . all around we go.
I actually find myself acting out the bad things she said about me, or internalizing them. Like she said "my social skills suck" So i am trying to hard to be good socially. She said "youre an idiot." I am insecure with my intelligence right now. "She said your a baby" I feel needy and dependent. She said "your a crazy, psychotic, jerk"... . this is how i have felt lately... . she said "you think you are better than everyone else" well this is the only one that i have not internalized... . I feel like i could idealize just about anybody who is kind to me right now... . i feel "worse than everybody else"... . why? I couldn't even get a mentally ill woman who i did so much for to love me, want to stay with me?
That is the problem with this thinking... it is exactly her mental illness that makes it so whe can not love me or want to stay with me... . unfortunately, in her mind the more that i did for her... . the weaker i was, if that makes sense. The less she loved me... . the more she hated me.
I felt extremely loved when i feel she should have been more indifferent, and I felt extremely hated when I felt she should have been at her most loving and supportive. This is not typical human behavior and that is why you are feeling so shell shocked and confused... . on top of your normal grief emotions of sadness, anger, depression... .
I know you feel bad about the 5 year old boy... . what helps me is to think about all the other little 5 yr old boys who dont have a good father figure in their life, or are with a neglectful single mother.
Maybe after this experience is done, you can become a big brother or something? I know that in the future i will be involved with charities to help the mentally ill... . and so i am taking my feelings... . depersonalizing the situation as much as possible, and taking my love and empathy... . and decentralizing it on her (or her child in her case) and focusing on how this experience has led me to develop deeper feelings, and love... . and that there are healthy places to put this and express myself... . but not with my exwBPD, or my family, or girls that i might be unhealthily attracted to right now.
Take that love and sadness and realize that you will be able to help other people due to what you went though, are going through, this life changing experience.
But right now be selfish, dont criticize yourself, dont idealize her, dont devalue yourself, and dont feel guilty for being a loving and empathic human that doesn't know how to handle such other-worldly behaviors... .
Even my dog got kind of spooked by her behaviors... . he tried to sleep right on top of me to protect me... . but he was very loving to her as well.
I picked up my dog at a rescue shelter, he had obviously been abused and neglected... . now he is an empathic, gentle, loving creature... . much more so than the dogs that i have been around for much of my life.
Well i can really look up to my dog in this situation... .
. He knows bad times, he knows pain, he knows abuse and confusing feedback from owners... . and now that he knows what a more consistent - loving home is like he is probably much more grateful than he would be if he never went through such things.
Too bad, people wBPD aren't more like dogs... . they are probably more like cats unfortunately, and you and I buddy... . we are probably like dogs.
Dogs love their toys and bury them in the yard. Cats can love a toy for a while... . but eventually get bored and never touch it again. Cat's bury their terds in a box so nobody can see them... . dog's crap out in the open, that's humility sir. Our s*** does stink. Dog's are loyal and loving, cat's are fickle and narcissitic... . they don't come to comfort you... . they only come around when they want attention. Dog's are straightforward and love to play at any time, cat's are sneaky and slinky and only want to play when THEY WANT TO PLAY.
Cat's piss on your shoes when they are mad at you. Dog's feel like they did something wrong and hang their head in shame... . Dog's are man's best friend. Cat's are just there to look at at take from you when they feel like it?
In any case... . next woman i find is gonna be a total dog!
haha... . well this is probably an odd theory, but hey its helped me... . not suggesting that all people wBPD are like cats, but hey that's just my experience.
Here's to the dog in all of us.
love you guys, hang tough clancy!
Stoic
