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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Really struggling...  (Read 711 times)
Dave44
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« on: February 04, 2013, 01:44:50 PM »

A month and a bit into NC (not by choice) and having the absolute hardest day by far. So, so desperately trying not to contact her... .  send her a text. I'm so ashamed and confused. Why on earth would I want to contact someone who so coldly, so brutally cut me out of her life in every way shape and form with a absolutely no remorse or empathy what so ever? What is wrong with me that here I am reeling in pain, pulling on every once of will power I have not to contact her? I'm trying to dig deep and look at myself but I can't figure it out. I'm old news to her - probably no longer even exist in her mind and yet here I am wanting to talk to her.
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mitti
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« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2013, 02:02:49 PM »

So sorry that you are having to go through this. It is hell, brutal to be cut out of somebody's life let alone someone close to you heart.

Give yourself time and try not to think too far ahead. One hour at a time. You can do one hour. Try mindfulness, that really helped me. Have you got friends and family to help you, give you support and take your mind some place else but her?

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trevjim
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« Reply #2 on: February 04, 2013, 02:16:47 PM »

going through the same thing mate, its like the last 2.5 years meant nothing, its not just grieving over a relationship, its almost grieving over the death of a lover and best friend who is no longer there
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seeking balance
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« Reply #3 on: February 04, 2013, 02:22:47 PM »

A month and a bit into NC (not by choice) and having the absolute hardest day by far. So, so desperately trying not to contact her... .  send her a text. I'm so ashamed and confused.

please don't feel ashamed - take really good of you right now.  You are very hurt.

Why on earth would I want to contact someone who so coldly, so brutally cut me out of her life in every way shape and form with a absolutely no remorse or empathy what so ever? What is wrong with me that here I am reeling in pain, pulling on every once of will power I have not to contact her? I'm trying to dig deep and look at myself but I can't figure it out. I'm old news to her - probably no longer even exist in her mind and yet here I am wanting to talk to her.

This is equivelent to a death - an unexpected death.  Except with this twist, you can contact her... .  that does not mean you will or should, but the mere fact it is possible makes this phase so hard.

Denial is a phase of grief and this is what if feels like to work through it - you will not be here forever.

What I can tell you now is that those little moments that I felt like I "had" to connect to my ex but didn't were the building blocks to getting "me" back.

Hang in there,

SB
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« Reply #4 on: February 04, 2013, 02:32:36 PM »

I'm going through the same thing today.  I have been doing pretty good at NC... .  but now she is trying to text or call me daily.  I am doing limited contact due to our daughter and only reply by text to those "real" isues.  Today she has pulled out the sick card... .  how miserable she feels, etc... .  The good guy in me still wants to comfort her... .  but then my mind kicks in and I remember that the wife I knew and loved is no longer alive.  While her body might be the same her mind, actions, and identity are not. 
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Changed4safety
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« Reply #5 on: February 04, 2013, 04:20:04 PM »

Seems to be "in the air," I'm struggling today too.  :'(
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gettingoverit
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« Reply #6 on: February 04, 2013, 04:26:06 PM »

Man oh man I remember those days. They were the absolute worst ever. It is incredibly difficult to wrap your head around what has just happened to you... and it's painful. Just know that you will not feel like this forever. It does get better. Find things to occupy your mind. Go out with friends, learn something new, anything that keeps you from thinking about her. As days start to pass, you will start feeling as if how you are feeling is starting to lift. Its hard to see and believe it when you are in the thick of it. Take it one second at a time if you have too. It does get better. I never thought I would ever get over it, that the pain would ever stop... .  but it did. Every once in a while when I think about her, I get that familiar pain in my chest, but nothing as bad as it once was. It does get better... .  that I promise you. Have faith... healing does come. Take Care.
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benny2
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« Reply #7 on: February 04, 2013, 04:32:19 PM »

Unreal, me too. I was actually thinking the same thing. What the hec is wrong with me? I have never let a man do this to me. Its like I can't stop going over and over it in my mind. I almost sent him a text too, but my pride got in the way because I was the one that told him no more contact. What kind of hold does this man have on me? It must be the way things play out. Coming on so strong, promising you the world, and then the sudden landslide without any reasonable explanation. It messes with the mind. I even wake up in a sound sleep and have this horrible emptiness in me, like theres nothing there. Its awful.
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AllyCat7
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« Reply #8 on: February 04, 2013, 04:35:45 PM »

Hi Dave,

I think the fact that she is the who ended it (rather than the opposite) is a blessing in disguise. Whenever it was my bf who would end things, it hurt, but I learned (over the years) that I can't control people and that if someone doesn't want to be with me, I have no choice but to move on and find someone who does (for my own sanity, self-esteem, and health). It's masochistic and self-defeating to stick around and pine after someone who breaks it off with you. Easier said than done, of course, and I went through a reallllly tough time after I lost my first love. After I finally got over it, though, I realized how much I hurt myself. And for what? For someone who didn't want to be with me. It meant I loved him more than I loved myself and that realization hit me hard. I vowed never to do that again.

Now, it's easier for me to walk away when someone dumps me because I keep reminding myself of the above. What I do struggle with, however, is when I am the one who ends it. That is MUCH harder for me. I am currently in limbo state with my on/off again BPDbf and I know I can reach out to him and get him back (I think that's what he's waiting for), but I don't know if I want to right now. I miss him like CRAZY, but I have to focus on myself right now. I would much rather this break be the result of him needing space rather than me. It's scary because there is a risk I can lose him permanently. But it's a risk I have to take.

Anyway, I guess my point is that if she was the one who ended it, there is nothing you can do but get over it and move on. You don't have to waffle in your head back and forth wondering if/when you should make a move. All you can do is let go and take care of yourself. I think having that clear answer and plan is kind of nice. Take advantage of it!
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Changed4safety
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« Reply #9 on: February 04, 2013, 04:46:33 PM »

Now, it's easier for me to walk away when someone dumps me because I keep reminding myself of the above. What I do struggle with, however, is when I am the one who ends it. That is MUCH harder for me. I am currently in limbo state with my on/off again BPDbf and I know I can reach out to him and get him back (I think that's what he's waiting for), but I don't know if I want to right now. I miss him like CRAZY, but I have to focus on myself right now. I would much rather this break be the result of him needing space rather than me. It's scary because there is a risk I can lose him permanently. But it's a risk I have to take.

I'm right there with you.   
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trouble11
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« Reply #10 on: February 04, 2013, 04:52:54 PM »

WOW ... .  was hoping it was just me today ... .  but I guess it's all of us.  I was talking to a friends today about the difference between a normal break up and a BPD break up. I'd so much rather have someone say normal things "  hey ... .  it's just not working out ... .  I don't think we're right for each other."  I can deal with that.  It's hard when they are telling you they will always love you while they are walking out the door.  No fights, no raging, not even a disagreement, just "I love you with all my heart and I'm leaving."
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coffee shop
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« Reply #11 on: February 04, 2013, 05:54:59 PM »

Been there too. Hang in there, call friends or if someone can come spend some time with you that might help. Take it one hour at a time, or do something you enjoy doing, maybe exercise of some sort, do it for 30 minutes, then do something else for 30 more.

It isn't easy but you will make it through this tough time.

Come to this site and respond to emails if that helps take your mind off of things.
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atcrossroads
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« Reply #12 on: February 04, 2013, 06:18:07 PM »

So sorry you are struggling -- ALL of you.  Yes, something must be in the "air," as I'm having a tough day because I am leaving him - TOMORROW.  

Leaving behind 10+ years, home that we own together and love, a lifetime.

He doesn't know yet.

I'm trying to be strong now, but I will be in the pits with all of you once it sinks in.  Everyone on here says it gets better, and I trust that it will.  ONE DAY AT A TIME, ALL.  Hang in there!  
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daintrovert13
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« Reply #13 on: February 04, 2013, 06:49:45 PM »

A month and a bit into NC (not by choice) and having the absolute hardest day by far. So, so desperately trying not to contact her... .  send her a text. I'm so ashamed and confused. Why on earth would I want to contact someone who so coldly, so brutally cut me out of her life in every way shape and form with a absolutely no remorse or empathy what so ever? What is wrong with me that here I am reeling in pain, pulling on every once of will power I have not to contact her? I'm trying to dig deep and look at myself but I can't figure it out. I'm old news to her - probably no longer even exist in her mind and yet here I am wanting to talk to her.

Hi Dave

Get a piece of paper and write her name at the top... draw a line down the middle... .  

on the left -- Good (her name)

on the right -- Bad (her name)

I think this should give you an idea of whether or not you should continue to feel this way.

When she first dumped me... I was devastated. But, for 8 months I kept thinking about

all the good times we spent together. Feeling like i'll never get another like her. I was willing to deal with the bad just so I can keep having the good. But, recently I find myself fallen out of it completely

for her... I'm able to see a lot because of the way everything is publicly displayed online with her new relationship and I'm beginning to think I was being manipulated just like I see her new s/o being manipulated as well. I can definitely see that her new s/o is the one who is more in love with her, than she will ever be.

I'm no expert but from reading these threads and watching my ex in action with another... it looks

like people with personalty disorders are MASTERS of Manipulation. Playing the victim from day one.

I am so glad that I'm finally snapping out of my Trance and seeing the light. Hope you feel better Dave

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AllyCat7
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« Reply #14 on: February 04, 2013, 07:55:01 PM »

Now, it's easier for me to walk away when someone dumps me because I keep reminding myself of the above. What I do struggle with, however, is when I am the one who ends it. That is MUCH harder for me. I am currently in limbo state with my on/off again BPDbf and I know I can reach out to him and get him back (I think that's what he's waiting for), but I don't know if I want to right now. I miss him like CRAZY, but I have to focus on myself right now. I would much rather this break be the result of him needing space rather than me. It's scary because there is a risk I can lose him permanently. But it's a risk I have to take.

I'm right there with you.   

Aww thanks Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Dave44
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« Reply #15 on: February 04, 2013, 08:10:44 PM »

Thank you so much for everyone that took the time to respond - it really helps get me through the day.

I guess the main thing I'm still struggling with is the fact that she still has my mothers Christmas tree. For those unfamiliar with my story I left my Christmas tree (which was my mothers who passed away from cancer 10 years ago) at her place when I moved out by accident stored in her crawl space. For 3 weeks I politely asked via texts if I could pick it up or if she could return it. I gave her every option under the sun. She kept saying "yes, this weekend". Until nothing at all. To this day she still has it. Obviously it has huge sentimental value to me and I can not for the life of me understand why someone who has made it very clear that she never wants anything to do with me again would be holding something so dear to my heart.

I guess it feels like an openeing for me to be able to contact her and I hate that. I just want to move on and even expressed that to her only to get "you shouldn't need a Christmas tree to move on" in return. More importantly why on EARTH would I want to contact and speak to someone who's actions just by this one example alone are so incredibly cruel?

Clearly I have a lot of self work to do. I'm very upset she kept my mothers tree though. I just want the days to get better... .  I would give anything for that.
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mssomebodynice
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« Reply #16 on: February 04, 2013, 09:44:56 PM »

I am also there with you.  I am not , however, tempted to contact him.  I won't.  I just wonder over and over, how can you have such a perfect day with someone and walk away?  Just disappear?  I can't stand it.  I hate this feeling too.  I want to scratch him out of my head so badly.  I am begging my heart to catch up with my head.  It has been a month and a half for me.  I am really trying hard to fight my mind when it recalls the happy times.  It is difficult, because the last day I saw him, I was painted whiter than white.  He couldn't stop smiling.  He kept touching me and looking at me as if he wasn't sure that I was real.  Then nothing.  NC since.  I don't want to live in this world, his world, where everything is up and down and turned inside out.  I know it helps so much for me to know that others like you, understand my feelings.  From heaven... .  to hell, in no time at all.  Who does that?  We know the answer... .  someone with BPD.
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GustheDog
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« Reply #17 on: February 04, 2013, 10:20:51 PM »

going through the same thing mate, its like the last 2.5 years meant nothing, its not just grieving over a relationship, its almost grieving over the death of a lover and best friend who is no longer there

I actually took a bereavement leave from work.  I was going to tough it out, but my job is very cerebral and I was a space case.  I figured it was better to not be there than to do poor-quality work and potentially mess something up.

Maybe I've just had a very easy life, but this has been the most difficult and painful experience I've ever endured.  So, I'm in this boat as well.
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GreenMango
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« Reply #18 on: February 04, 2013, 10:37:43 PM »

Dave44 the grief was the hardest part for me.  Not the detaching so much (the reality of the disorder was pretty hard to deny) but the grief... .  it was rough.

Especially the Bargaining phase... .  this is when your mind and your heart start trying to play negotiator.  Like SeekingBalance said it is losing someone, but they are still around.

Be kind to you.

Have you done much reading on grief?
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trouble11
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« Reply #19 on: February 05, 2013, 10:51:54 AM »

This may sound as crazy as BPD, but I'm considering a funeral.  Ceremonies add power to almost everything.  Is there any reason it wouldn't add power to my detaching?  I'm already mourning the loss, so I'm thinking of takings the cards he sent and a small collection of things he left here and burying them in the back yard with a small cross over the top.  The person I loved is gone forever.  Maybe it's nuts but I think it will help me put this thing to rest and maybe help when/if the recycle attempt comes.
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Changed4safety
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« Reply #20 on: February 05, 2013, 10:54:47 AM »

Trouble, I think that's a fantastic idea.  Ritual and ceremonies are powerful things.  I couldn't truly leave until I had "cut the cord" that bound us to each other with a little ceremony.  I do things like this regularly and design such rituals for myself and others, please drop me a message if you'd like some assistance/to bounce some ideas off me.  Though it sounds like you already know what you need to do. 
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Elsegundo
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« Reply #21 on: February 05, 2013, 04:02:05 PM »

Seeing all of this let's me know I'm not alone. Smiling (click to insert in post)

I really, really miss her today.  Want to reach out, but the person I want to speak to isn't there.  So no point.

Feeling bad about mistakes I made during our trying to be friends period.  It went in circles, of course.  Couldn't tell if she was trying but afraid or it was all crap.  Likely, there were moments of both.  She also gave me moments of sharing during that time, but it seemed too much for her to want to see me.  It's over, and I feel so much less stress for it.  I ended it, but she started up the friends period and while I ended that too, I reached after in a time of need and she rebuffed me.  So, I feel rejected now. 

Ready for a new frame of mind: yoga and dinner with a pal. 



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Consumed
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« Reply #22 on: February 05, 2013, 04:46:22 PM »

Yep struggling today too. I have thought, what could I have done. I know that sounds so cliche, but no conctact with her and her son(5yr old) it sucks and she hates me for leaving him. She hated me for many things, but I have left him and it hurts really bad. There seems to be no good way to think about it. There are times where I am able to distract myself and it feels good to not have that pounding panic in my chest thinking I have to see her tonight and being expected to do whatever she wants. I have what seems this constant anxiousness feeling like I have been scarred and I am not ever going to trust a r/s again. I don't like this feeling. I can't seem to shake it, I know I am going to need help to work on it. I would agonize and try to reherse a conversation thinking 'if I say it this way, or that way she won't get mad'. if I bring her flowers or a card just because, she will be happy. It all never seemed to work.  It feels like such a terrible loss. I feel terrible today. such loss right now and someone is angry at me for it. I know it will never make sense, I know it, but right now its tearing me up... .  thank you for listening.
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In Pieces

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« Reply #23 on: February 05, 2013, 05:33:30 PM »

I feel for all of you.  Do not make the mistake that I did!  It will be much easier on yourself to maintain NC.  I was foolish and kept on trying intermittently over a seven week period to repair our two year relationship after I was dumped out of nowhere.  I educated myself and read everything I could on the disorder, only to be constantly belittled and coldly dismissed over those two months, as if I was garbage.  It only hurt more having contact and I would have never known she started seeing someone else if I had just left things be.  I am shattered and have been in an emotional hell for two months.  Stay away for your own sanity.
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Consumed
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« Reply #24 on: February 05, 2013, 10:38:18 PM »

Quote: I'm so ashamed and confused. Why on earth would I want to contact someone who so coldly, so brutally cut me out of her life in every way shape and form with a absolutely no remorse or empathy what so ever? What is wrong with me

Dave, you said it, feeling ashamed and confused. I looked at journal entries  for the past year (started it little over a year ago) and rarely did i go more than 2 days without writing, "What am I doing" Nothing made sense to me and still doesn't. That pain and humiliation is so hard to take. I am my own worst ememy, somehow  keep trying to prove to her I wasn't the bad things she was saying I was, trying to have her realize what she's saying, and keep trying and trying. Doesn't she see this. And then her being a totally different person in public and at work, we worked together until 3 weeks ago. How can a person be so cold, mean, with no consideration or realization what she is saying or doing. I could not fathom why i would not walk away. It baffeled the H__ out of me, why did I stay... .  and go back after being broke up for most of the summer. How could I do that. Dave when I read your post, it brought me right back there. I know you have been done for a while, It has only been 2 weeks and only a week NC, but I do feel more confident that it's over. Please let it be over. I know I am the only one that can do it. Everyone here helped prepare me for it and then helped me through the actual break up and I know you will all be here while I am mourning it and beating myself up and questioning myself. thanks
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Dave44
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« Reply #25 on: February 06, 2013, 12:52:09 PM »

I feel like I'm nearing rock bottom. Over the past couple of days I've uncovered so many lies. Lie after lie after lie after lie after lie. I'm not exaturating when I say the only thing she didn't lie about in regards to herself was her name, her age and what she did for work. Everything else was a lie... .  EVERYTHING! Her whole life is one-big-lie. I can't describe how hard it is to accept that the person who I shared a home with, shared a bed with... .  shared her kids with was lieing to my face about absolutely everything! That is so scary. How could someone do that? Especially at 37 years old? It's not like she's a 21 year old or something. Why why why? Why would she lie to such a staggering amount?

I just have one question I wish I could get answered. After doing some digging into her past and realizing that she's lived her entire adult life like this with an extremely long line of devastated men in her past... .  how does she sleep at night?
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GreenMango
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« Reply #26 on: February 06, 2013, 01:01:06 PM »

Im sure there is a clinical answer to why.  It might not make any of this feel ok.

The lack of empathy and inability to deal with shame is the first things that come to mind. 

This is hard Dave.  Hows the other things, family and friends, in your life right now?  Can you lean on them for support.
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trouble11
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« Reply #27 on: February 06, 2013, 01:11:43 PM »

.how does she sleep at night?

That's the one question I keep wanting to ask exBPDbf.  When we started he was getting a divorce from wife of 25 years.  I didn't see that as a flag because he got engaged at 17 and married at 19 ... .  stayed for the kids blah blah blah.  He always told me when it was over he wanted to be able to look at himself in the mirror.   This made me think he was a decent guy some sense of responsibility and integrity.  He has now lived with 4 different women in just over a year.   One was an ex wife recycle.  So yeah ... .  I'd really like to know how he looks in the mirror.  Even as I say that the reality of what he is comes to mind now.  I know he can't help himself.  I've watched him mentally implode 2 or 3 times now.  When it happens he is soo clearly out of control and there is no snapping him out of it.  It's really sad to watch.  Glad I'll never have to see it again.
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Consumed
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« Reply #28 on: February 06, 2013, 01:18:02 PM »

SOUNDLY!

My exBPDgf would never own anything. It was blame blame blame, so nothing was ever in her hands, she was the victim. She slept like a rock. I know you are speaking figuratively. I think it is a common wonder for all of us. How can it be. It blows my mind how many lies were told!
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« Reply #29 on: February 06, 2013, 01:48:08 PM »

SOUNDLY!

My exBPDgf would never own anything. It was blame blame blame, so nothing was ever in her hands, she was the victim. She slept like a rock. I know you are speaking figuratively. I think it is a common wonder for all of us. How can it be. It blows my mind how many lies were told!

After I was painted black and dumped, my ex called me one night to rage at me for "harassing" her.  This was prior to discovering BPD, and I was just trying to get some answers for her terrible and out-of-left-field behavior. 

I mentioned to her, mid-rage, that I had been dealing with very severe insomnia as a result of our breakup and they way she broke off the relationship was causing me a great deal of distress.  She said, "This is something you're going to have to deal with yourself."

And in response to my remark about insomnia: "You know how I'm sleeping these days, Gus?  Like a baby!  I am soo glad to be rid of you!"
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stevenq

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« Reply #30 on: February 06, 2013, 02:36:41 PM »

i feel you my friend. i just made 8 weeks of no contact with my BPDgf. it hasn't been easy to go "cold turkey" but i know its the best thing for me. we need to heal our own wounds. remember they won't change. there's something out there better. stay strong my friend. know there's me and others going thru it just like you.
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trouble11
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« Reply #31 on: February 06, 2013, 02:55:54 PM »

Hey Gus  ... .  I think it's always important to remember their words mean NOTHING.  We know NOW when they said they loved us, it wasn't what we thought, yet sometimes when they say something mean we let it get to us.  The truth is there is no more TRUTH to the mean crap than there is to the nice crap.  It's just what they do and it's ALL crap.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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GustheDog
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« Reply #32 on: February 06, 2013, 03:16:21 PM »

Hey Gus  ... .  I think it's always important to remember their words mean NOTHING.  We know NOW when they said they loved us, it wasn't what we thought, yet sometimes when they say something mean we let it get to us.  The truth is there is no more TRUTH to the mean crap than there is to the nice crap.  It's just what they do and it's ALL crap.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Hey trouble11 - thanks for the kind words.  I know it!  The bit I posted above happened months ago, and, no, I don't take it personally.  But I did at the time.

I just had to share in relation to the, "How do they sleep at night?" remark.

Apparently, they sleep like babies.
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« Reply #33 on: February 06, 2013, 09:17:25 PM »

Dave, Hold yourself up,  you are worth more than that eventhough we were not treated like that. It does not seem like human beings should be able to behave the way they do. We were good people before them and we remain good people. We have had relationships that were not meant to be. We are responsible for us and us only, but we are responsible. I did take responsibility for anything I did that was messed up. I'm not perfect just like any of us but, I am not willing to take responsibility for a 43 yr old adult that handles any amount of uncomfortableness like an out of control 10 year old. There is a lot of misery in the wake of that boat and I'm part of that wake. I have been trying to find some sense of all this. I have to find some way of saving myself. This site is a huge part of that and getting back to spending time with my friends and talking to them till their ears bleed. I have to force myself to be aware of how i'm feeling and not put myself down. I am trying to convince myself of this also while i'm typing. This is the 1st day of the rest of our lives. It will take a while to get over this, believing we will someday and being patient with ourselves, also realizing not much is going to feel right or be right. We have a great start by NC. There are people that are suffering with this right now that are feeling the same way I have felt for the past 2 years who don't know a way out. I left a 5 yr old boy that I love so much and I have to somehow live with that. I loved her with everything I had and showed it. I always thought and proved to her that love is a verb amongt a bunch of other things. Dave, we can move past this. We deserve it. They will go on and lie to someone else, maybe not at first, but it will show, just like it did with us. But it's not a competition, we just have to save ourselves. We don't have to sell our souls for their happiness. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. That includes us... .  Somehow. Thank you for letting me type all this. It helps me so much.
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« Reply #34 on: February 06, 2013, 09:48:46 PM »



This is hard Dave.  Hows the other things, family and friends, in your life right now?  Can you lean on them for support.

Non existent... .  

I also just found out yesterday she is on a dating site. This is after telling me at least half a dozen times while dating her that "This is it. If we don't work out I'm done. I will never date again, ever. I just couldn't do it"... .  
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« Reply #35 on: February 06, 2013, 10:58:47 PM »

Lots of contradictions there with her.  Seeing that dating profile had to hurt.  Is there a way to protect yourself from running across this stuff at least for a little while until you are feeling a little stronger?

What's up the family and friends?  Did the relationship end up isolating you from them?
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« Reply #36 on: February 07, 2013, 09:02:12 AM »

Im sure there is a clinical answer to why.  It might not make any of this feel ok.

The lack of empathy and inability to deal with shame is the first things that come to mind. 

This is hard Dave.  Hows the other things, family and friends, in your life right now?  Can you lean on them for support.

Dave, I am going through the exact same thing. I was cut completely out of my ex's life in a matter of 3-4 weeks. I was told numerous times via email that she was unhappy with the relationship and wanted out. On top of all that, this happened as I am undergoing separation from my spouse, and was planning to move to be closer to the ex GF. I even asked the ex GF just to be there for me as far as the move, help me find an apartment, help me pick out some furnishings, see me for dinner, just be a friend. I was told, as she has said in the past, that she has plenty of friends (other women she has known for years) and she does not need me as a friend, SMH.

This is a person that I was there for, often for hours every day, listening to her and consoling her as she went through her own separation, he ex husband moving out, being alone in a big house, numerous problems with her adult daughter, her divorce, her moving to an apartment. I even went to see her when she moved and stayed with her so I could help with the movers, the electric company, the cable company, and all that while she went to work.

All I can tell you is, keep reading these boards and forums, and realize how insidious BPD is. You will read stories upon stories of cold behavior that is similar to what your ex, and mine, is doing.

When she first diagnosed herself with BPD, after her daughter's therapist told her that it sounded like her mom had it, my ex, had it, I thought it was an issue, but not insurmountable. I believe that by being there for her, by loving her, and maybe with a little therapy, we could get through this and be happy as a couple, which is all she claimed to have ever wanted. She even sent me a book on loving someone with BPD, and steered me towards the online test for BPD. I took the test two or three times as her, and got six positive answers. The book was so depressing that I couldn't even read past the first 60 or 70 pages. She stories and the people with BPD in the book were so horrendous. I thought my ex was nothing like that, nowhere near that bad. I was wrong.

All I can do is tell you to try no contact. Vent on these boards, and see her for who she really is, a very disturbed person who will most likely never be compassionate and loving.

I would you suggest you stop groveling, if you are, go no contact, and remove her from your phone and thereby lessen any desire to text her in order to say hello or ask for consideration or understanding. She will probably never give you either one of those anyway. It's not really her fault, but she is incapable of those emotions, or at least mine was.

It's time to heal.
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« Reply #37 on: February 07, 2013, 09:05:58 AM »

I feel like I'm nearing rock bottom. Over the past couple of days I've uncovered so many lies. Lie after lie after lie after lie after lie. I'm not exaturating when I say the only thing she didn't lie about in regards to herself was her name, her age and what she did for work. Everything else was a lie... .  EVERYTHING! Her whole life is one-big-lie. I can't describe how hard it is to accept that the person who I shared a home with, shared a bed with... .  shared her kids with was lieing to my face about absolutely everything! That is so scary. How could someone do that? Especially at 37 years old? It's not like she's a 21 year old or something. Why why why? Why would she lie to such a staggering amount?

I just have one question I wish I could get answered. After doing some digging into her past and realizing that she's lived her entire adult life like this with an extremely long line of devastated men in her past... .  how does she sleep at night?

I'd love to know what lies she told, what she lied about, if you feel like getting into that.
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« Reply #38 on: February 07, 2013, 09:52:00 AM »

One of the things I did to self sooth and NOT contact him, was going through this forum and clicking on titles that said things like "Got a text", "Broke NC", subjects like that.  I was living vicariously through others' experiences.  Because I wanted a text and I wanted to break NC.  I would read old saved emails as a way to feel still connected to him.

I'm a pull that bandaid off real slow type of person.  Some can just rip it off, delete everything, throw things away, and get on with recovery faster.  I am not that person.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #39 on: February 07, 2013, 12:39:59 PM »

Hey Dave! Stay strong! Im going on 8weeks of no contact! I ended the relationship abruptly. Im having a hard time but i know its for the best. I must admit im surprised she hasnt tried to contact me yet. I know shes prob seeing someone. She often told me she would meet someone right away if i left so she wouldnt hurt. I must admit im still hurt.
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« Reply #40 on: February 07, 2013, 12:45:18 PM »



This is hard Dave.  Hows the other things, family and friends, in your life right now?  Can you lean on them for support.

Non existent... .  

I also just found out yesterday she is on a dating site. This is after telling me at least half a dozen times while dating her that "This is it. If we don't work out I'm done. I will never date again, ever. I just couldn't do it"... .  

Mine said exactly the same thing, that she is done with men. A day after we break up she has a new boyfriend... .  
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« Reply #41 on: February 07, 2013, 01:00:25 PM »

I have learned to be deliberate about everything I do.  I have made playlists of music that lift my spirits and I'm very careful not to hear any music that I connect to my ex-BPD (and there is lots of it, he was a musician)... .  I make plans with friends and make myself go.  I plan evenings for me alone.  Keep busy.  When the grief descends I give myself permission to feel it, but then I let it go because I have plans.  Start planning how you spend your free time... .  it helps.  And when the sadness comes back, I can come to this site and that helps.
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« Reply #42 on: February 07, 2013, 03:53:11 PM »

Lots of contradictions there with her.  Seeing that dating profile had to hurt.  Is there a way to protect yourself from running across this stuff at least for a little while until you are feeling a little stronger?

What's up the family and friends?  Did the relationship end up isolating you from them?

I can top that. I went away to parents weekend at school with my wife before I started leaving my marriage. It was nothing romantic, just a trip to see our son at college. My exBPD GF not only went on a dating site that weekend, she sent me pictures of herself and asked me which would make the best profile picture!

After that, she blocked me on her phone for four days. After her first and only date was a complete disaster, and she realized she cannot drink and date, and she put herself in a bad situation, did she reestablish contact with me.
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« Reply #43 on: February 07, 2013, 03:55:34 PM »

I wonder if it's partly seasonal that all these dumped lovers are on this site now. I mean, I wonder of Christmas or Thanksgiving, both family holidays, or New Years (the start of something new), creates a stressful situation in which the BPD dumps their lover.

Any moderators know if there is a seasonal jump in this, or is it like this all the time here? LOL
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« Reply #44 on: February 07, 2013, 03:57:44 PM »

I just ask because my ex had a not so great Thanksgiving after her children and grandkids went to see her ex husband and his new GF was there.

Then Christmas she had to work, so she celebrated with her family a few days before Christmas.

And then she was always big on that "new year, new beginning" crap, LOL
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« Reply #45 on: February 07, 2013, 04:03:43 PM »

I wonder if it's partly seasonal that all these dumped lovers are on this site now. I mean, I wonder of Christmas or Thanksgiving, both family holidays, or New Years (the start of something new), creates a stressful situation in which the BPD dumps their lover.

Any moderators know if there is a seasonal jump in this, or is it like this all the time here? LOL

I was dumped 2 weeks after spending new years with him and his family. Apparently was cos of his new job and wont have time for me anymore. His job is 'his other half now'

Me? Discarded and 3 weeks later, I still feel bloody awful
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« Reply #46 on: February 07, 2013, 04:17:49 PM »

Mine hated Thanksgiving and Christmas (esp Christmas) with a passion.  I don't know why, but if she had a choice she would nix those holidays
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« Reply #47 on: February 07, 2013, 05:51:00 PM »

The site does see increased traffic during holidays.  If you read posts during that time you may notice more emotional disruptions in households and relationships.

My understanding and experience was the emotional history/baggage and the expectations during the special times was very overwhelming and given that there isn't a lot of positive coping skills things flared up during these times.

Getting an understanding of the struggles of a person with this disorder can help to depersonalize their actions a bit.  It's unfortunate because much of the time its the ones closest (outside of the pwBPD) that bear the brunt of the effects of the disorder.  Its pretty painful.

When these kind of questions came up for me I kept asking myself would I want to live like this the rest of my life? 
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« Reply #48 on: February 07, 2013, 09:48:08 PM »

guys,

I am almost 13 weeks out from a 4 year r/s and two of those years married-and I can tell you it gets better and better. Even a week more of NC makes a difference. Keep on doing it.

I fled the home and the marriage during a rage fest that had lasted weeks. HUSBAND filed for divorce after 3 days.

Pathetic, traumatic, horrible, soul killing.

I cried, prayed and cried more and felt miserable off and on daily at first, then every other day... then every few days and now haven't cried at all this week.

I feel calm, relaxed, better, healthier. More myself than I have in MONTHS. Dare I say it, happier.



Stay away, stay sane, stay NC, stay busy, pamper yourself... .  and rest your weary mind.

GL

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« Reply #49 on: February 08, 2013, 08:33:51 PM »

guys,

I am almost 13 weeks out from a 4 year r/s and two of those years married-and I can tell you it gets better and better. Even a week more of NC makes a difference. Keep on doing it.

I fled the home and the marriage during a rage fest that had lasted weeks. H filed for D after 3 days.

Pathetic, traumatic, horrible, soul killing.

I cried, prayed and cried more and felt miserable off and on daily at first, then every other day... then every few days and now haven't cried at all this week.

I feel calm, relaxed, better, healthier. More myself than I have in MONTHS. Dare I say it, happier.



Stay away, stay sane, stay NC, stay busy, pamper yourself... .  and rest your weary mind.

GL

I made the mistake of emailing my ex again. I was not trying to get back together with her, well maybe I was, LOL. Anyway, I went three days NC. I did email her because I am thinking of moving to an area about 20 minutes from where she lives. I told her in the email that I did not care to see her (I really don't want to run into her when she is with another man), and also I told her I did not want to upset her son who lives in the area I am thinking about moving to. I don't know the son well at all, but he is an adult and I have met him.

At first she was kind of nice about it, and offered to possibly help me as I looked for an apartment. But then she became nasty again and threatening. All this in a little over 24 hours. I feel like I went from black to white, or at least grey, and now I'm sorry I mentioned the move to her at all.

I do love her when she is calm and loving, but those moods don't seem to last.

I think I made a mistake telling her I was thinking about moving near her, but I was afraid if I did not clear it with her first she might say I was stalking her or harassing her by moving 20 minutes away from her. I was afraid of what she might do if she just found out I was living nearby. I thought it seemed reasonable and honorable to ask her opinion.

Looks like it was a big mistake.

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« Reply #50 on: February 09, 2013, 01:44:29 PM »

I think it was best to let her know because they do go to stalking thoughts when we mean nothing of the kind.  Of course you miss the nice her!  None of us would be here if there weren't nice sides.  Hang in there and think of something good to do for yourself.    You made it three days, you can do this.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #51 on: February 11, 2013, 06:12:34 PM »

I think it was best to let her know because they do go to stalking thoughts when we mean nothing of the kind.  Of course you miss the nice her!  None of us would be here if there weren't nice sides.  Hang in there and think of something good to do for yourself.    You made it three days, you can do this.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Yes, I really don't have much choice. I am blocked from her cell phone, but then she asks why I don't I call her house at night. I am now blocked from emailing her, though why that would matter as she is a master of email accounts and has a few and I could always make a new account if I wanted to reach her, or even email her at work.

I was in denial and experiencing sadness and even some anger for about 4-5 weeks. Once I got on these boards, and saw blow by blow how she engaged in textbook BPD behavior, I started to accept it. I came to realize that a relationship with her just would not work, something that I think she already realized. So, it's still sad but getting easier.

It is strange because I do still get an occasional email telling me how she has all my pictures, fantasizes about me, is seeing no one else, blah blah blah, but she doesn't want to give our relationship a real chance. I feel like she has memorialized our relationship, the good memories of it anyway. Kind of like enshrined it, while escaping the fact that it is a tough relationship and all relationships take work. She has often said things like "relationships should be easy", but I feel no relationship is really that easy for that long. They all might be fun and light in the beginning, but that honeymoon phase does not last forever. Eventually reality sets in and people have to make compromises and put up with little things that bother them. And that was another thing she did, both with me and with her ex husband, she continuously made mountains out of molehills, even as far as her grandkids leaving crumbs on her floor and how that stressed her. Also, any little thing that could be taken as a slight or criticism, was taken to heart by her. You could have an hour long conversation, and she would constantly come back to one sentence that she felt was critical of her and ignore the whole gist of the conversation. Quite strange!
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« Reply #52 on: February 11, 2013, 06:47:55 PM »

It is hard because you have to downplay the words and pay attention to the actions.  A person with BPD will be hit with hard feelings of lonliless and want to pull up back in, at the same time keeping an arm's length of no, not really.  It is enough to turn a person mad, I want you 'available' but I don't want you.  The healthy way to take of yourself is to stop all contact, say no to the illusion and insist on the real deal.  We all deserve an individual healthy enough to work through the compromise, keeping the pw BPD in the background holds us back from our healing.
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« Reply #53 on: February 11, 2013, 07:34:28 PM »

It is hard because you have to downplay the words and pay attention to the actions.  A person with BPD will be hit with hard feelings of lonliless and want to pull up back in, at the same time keeping an arm's length of no, not really.  It is enough to turn a person mad, I want you 'available' but I don't want you.  The healthy way to take of yourself is to stop all contact, say no to the illusion and insist on the real deal.  We all deserve an individual healthy enough to work through the compromise, keeping the pw BPD in the background holds us back from our healing.

Thank you Rose, very kind words!

But is it wrong to want the exBPD back if they would complete therapy? I really do love this person, though I realize the relationship is impossible as she is. I really would like to see her happy and healthy again, and be together as a couple. Doesn't NC preclude this from ever happening?
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« Reply #54 on: February 12, 2013, 01:47:29 AM »

No, it isn't wrong.  I held on to hope for a long time.  I had a feeling that this relationship was meant to be, that we could overcome this disorder and be happy.  A part of me still wishes for this.  A part of grieving is 'bargaining', it's soothing to drop the pain for a bit and think about, maybe there is a way.  Because pwBPD that do commit to treatment have a good success rate.  Sometimes they seem to get that there is something off with them and partners get hopeful.  My ex would give hints and I'd think, finally.  And then he would pull it back to it's everybody else, not him.  It was hope, hopes dashed, hope, hopes dashed.

The reality is that most people with this disorder will not get treatment, will not stick with it if they do, especially if they are high functioning.  It's hard to detach when at times they are so normal and so lovable.  Detaching is hard work.  I had to go with, I love him but I'll love him from over here.  If he gets help, great, if he doesn't, that is his choice.  I don't think I will ever trust him enough to risk my well being.  It does come down to us making the break because every contact is harmful to us, it gives us false hope, it keeps us stuck.  Contact to them is different, it's a momentary feeling that is fleeting, they do not feel the same as we do.
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« Reply #55 on: February 14, 2013, 02:14:03 PM »

No, it isn't wrong.  I held on to hope for a long time.  I had a feeling that this relationship was meant to be, that we could overcome this disorder and be happy.  A part of me still wishes for this.  A part of grieving is 'bargaining', it's soothing to drop the pain for a bit and think about, maybe there is a way.  Because pwBPD that do commit to treatment have a good success rate.  Sometimes they seem to get that there is something off with them and partners get hopeful.  My ex would give hints and I'd think, finally.  And then he would pull it back to it's everybody else, not him.  It was hope, hopes dashed, hope, hopes dashed.

The reality is that most people with this disorder will not get treatment, will not stick with it if they do, especially if they are high functioning.  It's hard to detach when at times they are so normal and so lovable.  Detaching is hard work.  I had to go with, I love him but I'll love him from over here.  If he gets help, great, if he doesn't, that is his choice.  I don't think I will ever trust him enough to risk my well being.  It does come down to us making the break because every contact is harmful to us, it gives us false hope, it keeps us stuck.  Contact to them is different, it's a momentary feeling that is fleeting, they do not feel the same as we do.

Thanks again Rose for your reply and the time you put in moderating. I am especially struck by your last sentence. My ex has been throwing out breadcrumbs for about two weeks now, but if I respond and say I want love and commitment and a stable partner, she says I misunderstood or she never said these things. It is maddening.

It's so hard for everyone on these boards, I see that. I never had a poor relationship with a woman in my life before I met this woman. Women to me, whether it was family or a lover, were always kind and usually warm. I was so naive to believe that just by being there for my ex, just by loving her and wanting to help her, everything would be alright.
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« Reply #56 on: February 14, 2013, 02:18:12 PM »

No, it isn't wrong.  I held on to hope for a long time.  I had a feeling that this relationship was meant to be, that we could overcome this disorder and be happy.  A part of me still wishes for this.  A part of grieving is 'bargaining', it's soothing to drop the pain for a bit and think about, maybe there is a way.  Because pwBPD that do commit to treatment have a good success rate.  Sometimes they seem to get that there is something off with them and partners get hopeful.  My ex would give hints and I'd think, finally.  And then he would pull it back to it's everybody else, not him.  It was hope, hopes dashed, hope, hopes dashed.

The reality is that most people with this disorder will not get treatment, will not stick with it if they do, especially if they are high functioning.  It's hard to detach when at times they are so normal and so lovable.  Detaching is hard work.  I had to go with, I love him but I'll love him from over here.  If he gets help, great, if he doesn't, that is his choice.  I don't think I will ever trust him enough to risk my well being.  It does come down to us making the break because every contact is harmful to us, it gives us false hope, it keeps us stuck.  Contact to them is different, it's a momentary feeling that is fleeting, they do not feel the same as we do.

Thanks again Rose for your reply and the time you put in moderating. I am especially struck by your last sentence. My ex has been throwing out breadcrumbs for about two weeks now, but if I respond and say I want love and commitment and a stable partner, she says I misunderstood or she never said these things. It is maddening.

It's so hard for everyone on these boards, I see that. I never had a poor relationship with a woman in my life before I met this woman. Women to me, whether it was family or a lover, were always kind and usually warm. I was so naive to believe that just by being there for my ex, just by loving her and wanting to help her, everything would be alright.

I too felt our relationship was "meant to be", and it's hard to give up hope. And BTW, my ex prides herself on being a high functioning person with a career. She also gave up therapy. She gave me so many reasons why she gave it up-couldn't afford the copayments, the therapist couldn't help her, she is a product of her environment, I would have to take her as she is, the therapist blamed it all on you (me), LOL
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« Reply #57 on: February 14, 2013, 04:16:03 PM »

Your'e welcome.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  The one that drove me batty was him saying, I'm doing the best I can.  It was a total cop out of take it or lump it.

What absolutely killed it was the inability to communicate about deep subjects.  Heck, he became dysregulated when I said, we need a new mattress.  Really?  Buying a new mattress is that stressful?  Yes.  It becomes too hard when you can't talk about normal couple stuff.  When it's all about them and your needs are pooh poohed.

Detaching took me a long time, he was so sweet, witty and kind to other people.  He is popular and charming.  It made me believe that I was the one causing problems for this great guy.  It took my therapist saying, no, what he did is not what a good partner would do.  It took a long time for me to believe her.  Now I think about things like when he threw his wedding ring at me and said no wonder your last husband divorced you.  When he would say that he wanted a divorce at the drop of a hat.  When he tried to kick my cat because the cat hissed at him.  When he went into a rage when my little girl whispered something in my ear because it was private.  I can't believe I didn't 'see' it at the time.  It's so clear now, he is an abuser.  Nothing meant to be about it.
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« Reply #58 on: February 14, 2013, 04:49:50 PM »

Funeral sounds like a great idea. You need to mourn what you had, you all lost a promise of a future. You all lost a dream.

It gets better I promise. Walking is the biggest thing that helped me, some days I had to break into a run the pain was so much (and I don't run).

I forced myself to walk every day and at times when the feelings became overwhelming. I also swore and shouted at an imaginary him (still do at times, I've been holding back a while). In time I realised I was enjoying the walk. Just me and nature and the feeling of walking.

Another thing that helped me was making a deal with mysef when I desperately wanted to contact him that I would wait 1 day. I always felt different the next day, always.
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« Reply #59 on: February 14, 2013, 06:13:29 PM »

The emotional hell and blame-blame-blame I endured towards the end of everything was and is more than enough to remind me - at all times - what untreated BPD looks like and how it can affect others.

It also reminds me of exactly WHY I detached from that person and why - despite their previous repeated attempts to re-initiate contact, I never returned communication.

No matter what people do, ultimately, the possibility for treatment and recovery rests on the WILLING and SELF-AWARE shoulders of the pwBPD (or even any other disorder or mood issues or whatever).

You can lead horses to water, but ultimately, you can't make them drink.

You can't 'save' people in these sorts of situations if they themselves refuse to acknowledge needing help and deny having a problem.

Furthermore, you also can't 'save' people who are willing to be helped unless you're strong enough to do the helping yourself.

That said, if they are not going through treatment - and I mean honest treatment, not lying about treatment or going through treatment with having the wool pulled over the therapist's eyes - the behaviors that so characterize a pwBPD continues and that includes the jerking around of you, your emotions, and your life - things which ultimately add up to abuse.

Is it worth it to get back into that?  All of that?
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benny2
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« Reply #60 on: February 14, 2013, 06:24:14 PM »

Be thankful she is leaving you alone so you can get through this. It makes it even harder when your feeling this way and they don't leave you alone and want to keep you on a string. I wish I was stronger and yes it makes me also wonder what the hec is wrong with me.
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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #61 on: February 15, 2013, 08:07:08 AM »

Be thankful she is leaving you alone so you can get through this. It makes it even harder when your feeling this way and they don't leave you alone and want to keep you on a string. I wish I was stronger and yes it makes me also wonder what the hec is wrong with me.

  It's a powerful bond.  Detaching is hard!
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