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Author Topic: Feel like my whole identity is being systematically stripped away...  (Read 386 times)
Changed4safety
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Living together, three and a half years
Posts: 517



« on: February 15, 2013, 10:07:17 PM »

On December 14, 2011, my father passed away at 91.  It was both sudden and not; he had been declining over the last few months and it was becoming clear that Mom (86) could not take care of him.  I was flying out from over 1,000 miles away on Dec. 6 for just a regular visit.  The day I arrived he fell, and I went to the hospital from the airport.  The next day he was diagnosed with cancer, and a week later he was gone.  

I was completely shell shocked.  My father was my "protector," he often got between me and my alcoholic mother who was extremely verbally abusive, and from whom I learned co-dependency.   I was stripped of my identity as ":)addy's girl," and I was devastated.

My ex did try to be there for me.  But he was so busy trying to restart the relationship from its death throes that it felt like he was pushing me and not letting me grieve.  In May, I left my exBPD.  I knew I couldn't even stay in the same state or I would go back to him.  I stayed long enough for us to kinda sorta get back together, and in August I moved 1,000 miles away, to live in a rental home with a friend.  

I left behind all my friends, and I am 45 minutes from a major city.  I still haven't found a group to do anything with, and I work out of my home.  I have an elderly cat.

Recently my career, which had been doing great, stalled for reasons completely outside my control.  The money flow  has ceased.  It'll start up, but who knows when at this point.

Today I learned my sweet cat has cancer, and I will be losing him in a matter of days or weeks, most likely.  The ex has been very kind to me throughout this, and he loves this little fellow as much as I do.  

He sent me this text yesterday, Valentine's day:  "On this day, I want you to know that even though we've gone our separate ways, I love you, and there is a place in my heart where I hold you dear.  That place will always be there.  I know you're alone, but you're not, because I am with you."

I feel like he is the only thing keeping me sane right now.  He is out having dinner with friends (maybe, the girl he is with he might be interested in, he's a free agent now, would not be cheating.)  All I want is to crawl into his arms and be held.  I'm so alone, and all the things I have used to define me are GONE.  I'm just so lost and lonely right now.  When this cat goes I'll be totally alone.  I don't think I can handle this.  I feel like Job right now.  

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atcrossroads
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Relationship status: Married, 8 years
Posts: 343



« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2013, 10:34:36 PM »

Oh, Changed!   :'(

I am so sorry you are feeling so low right now, and I am so heartbroken for you to hear your kitty has cancer.   

All sounds so bleak right now, but I sense you are on your way to healing and happiness.  Perhaps where you are living right now may not be the best location for you - not many people to meet, etc.  I'm so sad to hear all you are going through - if we weren't in cyber world we could grab lunch or have drinks and vent together.  We are in very much the same place except and I blessed to have lots of support around me.  I wish you had that too, but remember, you have LOTS of support right here, so keep on posting!

You will be ok - I know it.  You are smart, strong, capable, and kind.  Hang in there, and I hope tomorrow is a better day. 
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Changed4safety
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Relationship status: Living together, three and a half years
Posts: 517



« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2013, 01:12:52 PM »

Thank you Crossroads.   

I took a xanax last night and way overslept today.  Been having such trouble focusing and dropping balls when they DO get handed to me.  But I figure, I got the worst news yesterday, I will forgive myself for today.

Talked to my ex last night, and honestly it was a good thing.  The good things we had seem to be staying, the bad things becoming clearer and more easily sidestepped.  It's hard to explain.  Copying from another topic: 

"I had a meltdown and asked the exBPD to call... .  we had a really wonderful talk for several reasons.  One, we really just connected, and allowed ourselves to still love each other through our love for Kitty without getting into "him" or "me" or "us."  We segued into really bad jokes and chat for a while, and then, perhaps inevitably, he went off on the whole gun control issue.   Because he has mental health issues, he is concerned about his rights taken away.  I don't want to get into it here, and in fact have avoided the whole issue because it seems to me a stressor that I can live without currently.  But I gently emotionally detached, didn't argue with him, because... .  I'm not his lover, not living with him, what he thinks about it doesn't affect me any more.  And that was good too!

I still love him, still am in love with him, but the more distance I get the more I can see that even without his mental illness issues, there were things that I didn't like/that didn't work for me.   Could I have lived with them?  Probably, I'm a big girl, people don't have to agree on everything.  But for now, it helps me to look at the whole picture."

So oddly, it's been helping me to have LC with him. 

I'm stuck here until I can crawl out of the debt hole I got myself in by living with the ex and supporting him.  I simply have to accept that as a fact.  It won't be forever.  My task now is to focus on me, wisely, saving my money and exploring what free options are out there to heal myself.  Working out, eating right (cheaper to buy healthy food and cook it than to go out to restaurants), getting out in nature as spring comes, persisting with inexpensive Meetup groups (I'm such an introvert!) and making an effort to stay in touch with long distance friends. 

I'm an artsy liberal person and my state is very conservative, and I live in a military town (I have no problems with the military, my dad was a vet and I honor their service!) but it does make for a conservative place.  Main city in the state is an hour away, need to take some day trips.  I get up every day still trying.

I think I need to realize that if the good things pass away, so do the bad.  I will try to fully enjoy being here (still haven't gotten some things unpacked) and "be here now", knowing that this is not my "real" home and that one day when it's right I can go on to the next thing.

Thank you for posting, I feel much less alone! 
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gina louise
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Relationship status: married a few years
Posts: 1263



« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2013, 01:40:20 PM »

 Changed4safety,

I am so sorry that you have suffered through so many losses recently.

it's rough to be physically isolated from those who know you well... and knew you when. Can you maybe skype with any old friends? people you don't need to explain much to?

it's not bad to turn to your ex but he will invariably turn it onto HIMself... and you may not get much real support.

LC is not a bad thing if you can remain detached and not get caught up in the BPD's turmoil.

Seems like you are Ok there.

I forget how long you have been out of r/s with BPDX?

Can you get another kitty before your kitty passes, or would that be too much? When my cat was elderly and failing we brought in a new kitten (totally unplanned) and my old cat's mothering instincts kicked in and she rallied for months just to play with/raise baby kitty. it was still painful, but then we had new kitty already there. I still miss my older cat. she lived 18+ years. They are such good companions.

I wish you strength and hope and peace,

GL
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Changed4safety
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Gender: Female
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Relationship status: Living together, three and a half years
Posts: 517



« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2013, 01:49:51 PM »

Gina, I experienced his inability to truly support me with the death of my father.  This kind of feels like a "do over" for us.  It's a cat, not a beloved parent, (though obviously I love my little guy very much, but there IS a difference) and I am not physically with the ex and breaking down every five minutes in his presence.  I'm like someone testing the ice before stepping on it.  I needed someone last night, and he was there and supportive; he's grown too.  He also has become good at letting me know when he can't handle it and I know to back off when I get those sort of texts.  So... .  I THINK it's OK.  It feels OK for now, at least.  I understand that he's simply not capable of really being there for me all the way, but I think it is healing for us both to meet where he CAN go. 

I left in May, we were off and on with two visits in October and December, and on December 14, the anniversary of my Dad's death, I told him it just couldn't work.  He has respected that and not once since then pushed for a recycle.  I've thought about it, I admit, but I keep going back to the bad things, and the things that aren't BPD but I still wouldn't want in a mate, and I've stopped each time.

Sent an email to my friends back "home," one has replied and she's being an angel--she totally gets how it feels to lose a pet after losing a loved one (widowed very early) and has even offered to come fly out and be with me so I won't be alone. 

I very much want another cat, but also know that I won't be in this place forever, and if I choose to be a "nomad" for a while having a pet will drastically narrow my choices.  I will see how I feel when the time comes.

Thanks for checking in on me and your good wishes!   
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