Why, why hasn't she contacted me?

[Dave44]

I just don't get it? I read on these boards over and over and over again about how people's ex's are always contacting them in some way or another. Weather it be in an attempt to recycle or just throwing the feeler line out there to see if they're "still around". However in my case I have not heard so much as a peep since she kicked me out of her place and cut me out of her life in every way shape and form almost overnight.

My ex was a quiet borderline. So I'm not sure if that has anything to do with her not contacting me? But as a result, never did I have to put up with the rages or put downs which has made this so much harder. Things were wonderful up until she gave me the boot with no warning leaving me homeless with absolutely no possessions other than my TV and clothes as I had gotten rid of everything else a month prior in order to move in with her and her kids. No, "I'm sorry" no, "how are you making out"... .  nothing.

I'm only a month and a half into no contact and not by choice but I can not wrap my head around why or HOW she can not have contacted me yet. I hate to admit it but I get so jealous when I constantly read on here about other ex's contacting them. It seems to be the norm with BPD - it even states that in all the write ups I've read on the disorder. The silence is extremely painful. To have shared a love as deep as we did and then to be discarded like a piece of garbage with no contact what so ever cuts like a knife. Why hasn't she contacted me? Why?

[trevjim]

I know how you feel, im exactly the same.

She used to not be able to go an hour without calling or texting if we had an argument. Its not been a month of N/C and not a peep.

Im pleased in one sense but share the same hurt you do. I put it down to... .  

Either being split black completely.

She is infatuated with her new man and has forgotten about me.

She has gotten over me, 'overnight' which is what some pwBPD seem to do.

She is scared to contact me incase i reject her.

She is scared to contact me incase her new man finds out and 'abandons' her.

It could be anything, but it does hurt, how can someone who loves someone so much not care to contact? I guess thats the 'Beauty' of BPD

[tailspin]

Dave,

I know how you feel.  My ex was also a waif and I think there are so many different dynamics going on in his head that truly prevents him from ever looking back or contacting me.  For one, his mother totally controls him.  Also, many with heavy narcissistic traits also tend to not look back at the trail of destruction they've left behind.  

We cannot live our lives wishing for things to happen that we cannot control.  Instead, try focusing on what you can control... .  namely how you react to her lack of contact.  Try finding out why this is so important to you.  Will contact provide the validation you crave?  Learn how to validate yourself instead.  Find what you need to most and then give it to yourself.

tailspin

[cal644]

My soon to be ex was also the quite type/waif... .  it amazes me how she turned me black also.  When I did NC/LC she started to text more... but each time she did I took a step back getting sucked into hope that she finally came to her sences (but then it would turn quickly into hate towards me)... honestly I think the Waifs put all the blame and suffering on themselves.  She chose a texting friend over her family... .  she even said to me "what type of person would do this to her family"  she knows she's sick at least for a moment but give it a minute and it will change that I'm the sick one... .  I will tell you in one way you are lucky... .  I honestly don't know who this woman I was married to 19 years for is anymore.  The rage and anger I had never seen has all come to the surface... .  She has so much hate for me filing ... .  but she refuse to stop texting, or goto counciling, plus she wasn't in love with me once she found her new fantasy man.  I know from my daughters and what she has told me that she is suffering deeply, but I don't think she will ever look back out of shame or fear. 

[trouble11]

Dave ... .  I so feel your pain. I really do, but I gotta tell you ... .  the contact you would get would likely not be what you want.  I'd rather get nothing than some stupid thing like I got "I wish you all the best"  What the heck!  I turned my life upside down for you and gave up everything I had worked for, for a bad greeting card line.  "I wish you all the best".  Oh I forgot the "I will always love you"           What the hell does that even mean?    Trust me ... .  nothing is better than garbage.

[Apple white]

It hurts immensely .  I am using the no contact time to begin the healing process within myself.  I did almost twist myself in knots with the why? Why? Why? I didn't sleep or eat.  I had to be really hard on myself and begin to accept that there are lots of questions I will never get the answers to.  I write down a lot of the stuff I want to ask or say to him, I keep it a while then bin it.  It does help a little and I have begun reading the feel good handbook, which is helping with my concentration as well.

Being cut off from someone you love, without explanation, is hurtful, cruel, abusive and very very selfish, however, for me it is better than having to listen to his lies and deceit and the dread of seeing him again.

Keep reading and re-reading the advice, help and workshops on here.  Some partners with BPD don't contact for months.  I see my no contact now as a blessing to get myself back together.  That doesn't mean that doesn't hurt like mad at times.

Acceptance is one of the hardest lessons I have dealt with but I'm getting there slowly.

No contact does happen to some of us that are left depleted, devastated , broken and confused.

[TheDude]

I'm only a month and a half into no contact and not by choice but I can not wrap my head around why or HOW she can not have contacted me yet.

Six weeks is - relatively speaking - a mere blip in time (though I understand it feels like forever right now). I'm at the point with mine that I can do 6-8 months standing on my head.

Maybe another way to look at it is this - she's doing you a favor! The most important things related to healing (and there's no detour around that) are separation and detachment. Stay focused on that, and the concern over if and when she contacts you will drastically decrease.

[trouble11]

Reading on here has helped more than anything.  I'm embarrassed to say that for the first 2.5 months of the latest and last separation I was so stressed out and had so much anxiety that I literally sat on the couch in a daze playing solitaire on my phone.  It's only been this week that I have started to snap out of it.  Now the only reason I might like contact is so that I can "Wish him all the best".   

[Traye]

I get where you're coming from.  My uBPDexgf is a quiet/waif.  They often "come back" but you have to do the I initial contact.  They're often too caught up in their own shame, or too scared of being rejected to make that first contact.  I was recycled twice before... .  and I made the first contact, but she was extremely excited to talk to me both times and came running back.

This last time was different.  I waited 3 weeks to contact her.  It was explosive--she was furious with me.  Threatened me and had her attorney send a cease and desist letter the next day threatening a restraining order.  She went back to her ex-husband after leaving me, and is obviously caught up in the honeymoon stage of a new relationship with him.  Ugh. That's hard to handle... .  since she came to me to be "saved" from all the abuses of her husband. 

If she's found someone new, and it's likely that she has, then who knows when she'll be back.  Whenever that relationship sours and you look good to her again.  For me, I have my line memorized for when she comes back to me.  It's direct, short, and very pointed.  I want her to have no doubts about every attempting to recycle me again, or even about ever contacting me again.  I'm done.

Good luck with all the emotions you're going through. They're not easy to process. But you can get through this and make it out the other side a betternperson.

[asher2]

Traye... .  well said and I too have a similar response ready if a recycle attempt comes from her. It also is short and to the point. Like you, I want there to be no doubt in her mind where I stand. I want her to know I'm not playing her game. I want nothing to do with her.

I've been in NC for a little over three months. For whatever reason, I expect fully a recycle attempt to come whenever her current relationship sours. However, I'm not paranoid about it because I have my response ready.

I used to really want a response from her to validate that our relationship wasn't a total lie. Gradually, I've come to the acceptance that she is mentally ill. One thing I've settled with in my mind is, even if I do get a response, what would it mean? A recycle attempt would be all about her and have nothing to do with me (just like the relationship she's in now... .  she's completely using the guy on so many different levels). As 2010 has stated, these people are thieves. They come in and take what they need and they get out.

A recycle attempt? I'm proud to say I no longer really care, but I have my response ready for if it does happens.

[HostNoMore]

Dave you are going through a very difficult time for which no words can describe.  Yes, there is a part of us that wants the contact, but you've got to make yourself realize that any contact with a borderline is unhealthy for you.  NC allows you to build yourself up to a point where you can resist the contact if it were to ever occur.

Not all BPDs are guaranteed to contact you also.  However, my experience was that the recycle attempts came at places and times of her choosing and out of the blue.  Of course, I knew what I was dealing with by the time it eventually happened so I was able to handle it thanks to the excellent advice I received from this board.  

Mine tried to recycle me on St. Valentine's Day.  Her behavior was the most disgusting thing I've ever witnessed, and I was repelled by her actions.  She pulled every blatant sexual advance one could possibly do.  Had I not known of BPD I may have allowed myself to have been drawn back into that vortex.

As harsh as it sounds, pray that you are never contacted but realize there is a probability it will happen.  Much like a cat plays with a dead mouse such is the way of the BPD upon return to its former host.  I have not heard a peep from mine in nearly a year.  I do know that she has attempted to reengage exs from 15 years past so I will always be mentally prepared for it.  I'm hoping that she knows that I am an impossible nut to crack and will never contact me again.

Protect yourself as you are the most important thing in your life.  Your exBPD only has its interests in mind if you ever are contacted.  Stay strong and maintain NC at all costs.  Things will continue to get better for you, trust us.

[TheDude]

Traye & asher - Just a suggestion. If you're 'done', and resolute in not engaging in a recycle, your very best response to an attempt is no response at all. No matter how sharp and to-the-point you are, this will be acknowledgement / attention, and * will * escalate. Don't ask how many times I've had to stick my hand in the hornet's nest to learn this... .  

[susanleona]

There was about 4-5 months between the time of first breakup and the main recycle.  In fact, I was through the worst of it, but still in love so back into it I went.  Worse than originally, much much worse, and much harder to get out of and it took over a year, and the end this time was regrettably mean on my part but there was another woman involved.  Funny thing is she dumped him about a month after me.  So the question is... .  will he try to recycle her, will he try to recycle me, will he leave us both alone?

[asher2]

TheDude... .  I couldn't agree more. I should have clarified what I was referring to in my response earlier. I was speaking in terms of if she shows up at my place, because I don't think that is out of the question for her to do. But I 100% agree with you. Phone calls, texts, emails... .  I'm not responding. I've already received random texts asking how I'm doing from numbers I am not familiar with. I've gotten to the point that even with those, I'm not responding anymore. I wouldn't be surprised at all if it was her texting me from different numbers.

And I think you also bring up an excellent point as well in that it is very hard to be prepared for the flood of emotions that I understand comes over you whan a BPD ex makes a recycle attempt. Even though Im "over" her and want nothing to do with her, from what I understand it is like being on drugs with a borderline. I am aware that just a small "hit" of her could trigger me again. So yes, no contact at all is best but if she shows up in person my response will be short and to the point. And I also pray I have the resolved to never get hooked back in!

[spaceace]

I think what everyone is saying is true. Being recycled is not a positive thing. I am on my 3rd break from my wife. I was totally fine during the second break. I did a lot of work on myself, and I would have been fine without her. BUT, I fell again, hook line and sinker and now, I wish I didn't. My wife didn't contact me any of the times. She totally went NC on me. It was through herculean efforts on my part to prove to her I was safe and worthy. Silly when I look back on it. I know it is hard. I am right where you are, but you're okay. It's going to be okay. No matter what happens, you can and will survive whatever happens next. Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself. Do 1 thing nice for yourself each day. Something simple. Think about things that make you happy and try to follow through with picking them up again. It will help. This is the advice I have been given, and I have followed it and it has helped me tremendously. Hang in there... .  

[Traye]

TheDude-- I totally agree; maintaining NC is the best way to go and it's my preference.  But we live in the same neighborhood and have many of the same friends.  I will run into her somewhere at some time.  For that scenario, I'm ready.

[Dave44]

I don't know why I want her to contact me so bad? I know I could never date her again. The brutal way she discarded me, all the lies I've uncoverd... .  it could never happen. So why do I so desperately want her to contact me? What type of validation am I trying to seek from this? I'm trying to dig deep and ask myself these questions but I don't seem to get anywhere. All I know is that I'm hurting daily on an immense level. The manor in which she discarded me right before Christmas still leaves me traumatized. After talking for months prior about how special this christmas was going to be. I just want the pain to stop... .  

[almost789]

Its kind of like drug withdraw. Love addiction. Why does the addict keep wanting their drug that they know in their logical mind is bad for them? You miss her, the idealization and intensity. Its a brain chemical withdraw syndrome.

[real lady]

I don't know why I want her to contact me so bad?

Sorry for your pain... .  it hurts so badly to "still be connected" in ways to our EXpwBPD... .  have you read about detachment and focusing on yourself... .  apart from that I would say that you just WANT closure. I am really understanding that we may not get closure with pwBPD. It is best to learn "radical acceptance" and NOT expect anything from her. She is NOT able to give you want you want anymore than she did while you were with her.

Try some counseling for possible C-PTSD for the trauma... .  you will heal from this... .  take good care of yourself. 

[SarahinMA]

I get where you're coming from.  My uBPDexgf is a quiet/waif.  They often "come back" but you have to do the I initial contact.  They're often too caught up in their own shame, or too scared of being rejected to make that first contact.  I was recycled twice before... .  and I made the first contact, but she was extremely excited to talk to me both times and came running back.

This last time was different.  I waited 3 weeks to contact her.  It was explosive--she was furious with me.  Threatened me and had her attorney send a cease and desist letter the next day threatening a restraining order.  She went back to her ex-husband after leaving me, and is obviously caught up in the honeymoon stage of a new relationship with him.  Ugh. That's hard to handle... .  since she came to me to be "saved" from all the abuses of her husband. 

If she's found someone new, and it's likely that she has, then who knows when she'll be back.  Whenever that relationship sours and you look good to her again.  For me, I have my line memorized for when she comes back to me.  It's direct, short, and very pointed.  I want her to have no doubts about every attempting to recycle me again, or even about ever contacting me again.  I'm done.

Good luck with all the emotions you're going through. They're not easy to process. But you can get through this and make it out the other side a betternperson.

This is my ex as well.  He's extremely shy (cowardly) and I had to make all the first moves when we started dating.  When he broke up with me, I made all the initial contact, but the few times we have been in touch, he's done nothing but screw with my head, gaslight, etc.  He's been avoiding me for the past four months, but I'm sure I'll run into him again at some point.  I never know how he's going to react.  Sometimes he's seems friendly and other times he pretends he doesn't know me.  Usually the latter.  One time he walked right by me and I finally had to say "hello".  He seemed shocked that I would even say anything.  So strange. 

I've now realized that if I see him again, I'm just going to keep my distance and maintain NC.  I'm trying to heal and his mind games set me back every time. 

[almost789]

Mine too, traye and sarah. I have to make the initial contact. Agree, i think its fear of rejection. If u contact first they know the light is green. But Dave, you know how bad she dropped you and will do it again so stay NC it will get better. You do want closure but sadly youll never get it from her even if you do make contact. You have to close the door, not her.

[stevenq]

Im right there with you. I broke up with my BPDgf 9weeks ago today. It was very hard to leave her. I changed my number and blocked my email and fb. She knows where i live and i must admit im surprised she hasnt tried to contact me by now. Im sure my ex is seeing someone by now. U see these people cant be alone. They need someone there to tell them how wonderful they r. They unravel if they have to b alone. To me they are not capable of real love. I feel your pain but use this time to heal and get stronger.  U can do it. U deserve better!

[GreenMango]

Hey Dave, how's it going?  Are things looking up?

[bb12]

Hi Dave

I feel for you. Similar dynamic with me.

Tailspin hit it in the head. Narcissistic PD is in the borderline spectrum but Narcs are far more brutal at the end. A borderline with strong Narc features can be very passive aggressive and deliberately cruel on the way out.

By the end you are a trigger for everything they hate in themselves and they get to treat you with the vitriol they would love to show their primary abuser (parent).

I was where you are at 9 months ago and can proudly report surviving and thriving 12 months later. Taking the focus off them and learning to sit in the pain is the key. Accept the new reality warts and all. Any struggle against the tide of these new truths = pain.

I begged pleaded texted rang emailed... .  All to no aviail. It all serves as great narcissistic supply to them... .  To see what they can do o you... .  But they resent you for loving them so much when they can't see a single thing loveable about themselves

It's a very tough gig - surviving the silent treatment. But the rewards of deep and continued self examination make the whole juvenile experience completely worth it

Bb12

[Leaf]

I don't know why I want her to contact me so bad? I know I could never date her again. The brutal way she discarded me, all the lies I've uncoverd... .  it could never happen. So why do I so desperately want her to contact me? What type of validation am I trying to seek from this? I'm trying to dig deep and ask myself these questions but I don't seem to get anywhere.

I've asked myself the same thing. I thought maybe on some level deep down I don't feel lovable and my BPDxbf's behaviour made me have to face that – because to be able to endure his behaviour I have to believe myself I'm lovable. Maybe I don't know how to deal with that buried feeling (like BPD's aren't capable of effectively dealing with their issues), so I want the person who brought this issue to light to solve it for me by showing me I'm lovable. He opened the box, he can close it. Something like that. I don't know if this makes any sense. Maybe I'm just thinking too much and unnecessarily complicating things. Might as well be drug withdrawal as LifeGoesOne says.

[WillyD]

This thread is full of great wisdom for anyone suffering through a breakup from a BPD relationship. Thanks to all contributors!

Some of the key points I see here are:

1.   The pain we feel from the separation in these relationships is particularly intense. This is most likely due to the fact that we cannot rationalize, or in many cases even understand, why these endings are so strange and dysfunctional. Particularly since we have experienced such blissful times with our partners in the past. Going NC does feel much like going cold turkey from a powerful drug addiction.

2.   When we finally realize that “going back” will only prolong our pain and suffering and will benefit neither our ex-partner, ourselves, our friends and family, we simply need to stop contacting them and refuse to reply when/if they contact us.

On a personal note, I was very surprised that my uBPDxgf stopped by my house this past weekend after over 40 days NC. She drove off when a friend of mine saw her parked in front of my house. Shortly afterwards I received a barrage of nasty emails from her. The next day she showed up in a restaurant where I was having dinner with someone I just started dating. She was by herself and just sat at the nearby bar for 15 minutes and then left. Two days later I received another barrage of emails that was all old correspondence between us. There was no new text from her in these emails. The emails were mostly related to me wanting to see her during one of our many breakups.

Foolishly I wrote her a letter telling her not to stop by again, or send emails and to write to me to explain the reasons she wanted to see me. I said if they were “good” reasons I would consider talking with her, if it was just to cause more upset then I do not want to see her or talk to her. I now realize that I should not have written the letter at all and just ignored her. Anyways, I let her know that communication by mail is the only way I will communicate with her. Hopefully I don’t have 30 letters in my mailbox in a couple of days 

[JonnyJon42]

Hey Dave

You should be happy she has not contacted you. I know its still early for you but in the end it would be so so much better for you if she never did.

Mine contacts me every 2 - 3 months or so after she leaves. Last time she sent out a feeler that i kicked away so it took abit longer. This time i setup text and call blockers on my phone but they are ways around that so im sure sooner or later i hear something.

Remember that when they contact you its not about you its about them and there current needs. Right now she might already have a new man that she is all over and has no need for you BUT in a few days weeks months that could brake down and you get that call that she is sorry and blah blah blah.

She might be watching you even though your not hearing anything mine cyberstalkes me all the time when we are not together.

Just take this time to think long and hard about what happen and if you really want to go though this again.

[MakeItHappen]

Dave ... .  I so feel your pain. I really do, but I gotta tell you ... .  the contact you would get would likely not be what you want.  I'd rather get nothing than some stupid thing like I got "I wish you all the best"  What the heck!  I turned my life upside down for you and gave up everything I had worked for, for a bad greeting card line.  "I wish you all the best".  Oh I forgot the "I will always love you"           What the hell does that even mean?    Trust me ... .  nothing is better than garbage.

VERY true and well said.

My exBPD is a quiet one as well. none of her friends see it nor her family.

it's all a boo hoo, my ex's are horrible to me, life is horrible, i am a victim, wah wah.

i fell for it, yep.

best thing though is the NC. granted, for me, it's not been very long but, i am spending that time, re-living ALL the NOT GOOD things she did/said, etc. to me. in the end, i'm realizing more and more, she was a horrible person to be with. illness or not. i'm spending more time figuring out why and how i got triggered so fast and fell for her so quickly.

it's VERY hard to NC but, it really does get better!

[bb12]

I thought maybe on some level deep down I don't feel lovable and my BPDxbf's behaviour made me have to face that – because to be able to endure his behaviour I have to believe myself I'm lovable. Maybe I don't know how to deal with that buried feeling (like BPD's aren't capable of effectively dealing with their issues), so I want the person who brought this issue to light to solve it for me by showing me I'm lovable. He opened the box, he can close it. Something like that.

This is the crux of it for me. a full year later and with amazing improvement, I can still feel the pull of it very strongly. And I think that pull is exactly as Leaf just said: we need the one who opened the box to close it. For me, exploring why I chose a person who was emotionally distant, not giving in any way, moody, petulant, uncommunicative is where the gold lay. In getting to the bottom of that, I uncovered a bunch of things from my childhood that really held the key. Invalidating parents, not having a voice, negative comparisons to other kids, immense pressure to succeed... .  have all combined to make me over-functioning and successful in most areas of life but love. The inability to understand our exBPD feels uncomfortable, because we can normally muddle through any problem and solve it. We get stuck in understanding for a long time after the break-up and want another fix of the BPD drug because we think we might crack the code if we can see them again.

But every encounter makes it worse, not better. We need to believe that. And only by working on ourselves, our self-esteem, self-love does the need for external validation reduce.

For me, I have been 'other directed' my whole adult life. If I am honest with myself, my sense of self was derived by pleasing, fixing, helping other people and did not naturally come from within. I have almost had to treat myself as a differnt person... .  and afford myself the same empathy, forgiveness, care, generosity that I so quickly provide strangers!

I am not there yet, but already know that pwBPD will not be a fit for me any more. I will not be attracted to the waif, the stranded, the broken. I want and deserve a fully functioning, caring, sane, adult for a partner and not the fixer-uppers I have been choosing for 20 years.

I can't deny the pull of my exBPD and the daily and conscious efforts I make to NOT contact him and beg for closure. But I can picture the conversation... .  the rudeness, the projection, the sullen face and eyes rolls... .  and it stops me trying. And I can picture a life now without that pull and full of people with qualities I admire and respect, and the goal is shifting to the achievement of that instead of winning back the favour of someone who has and will only treat me poorly

BB12

[MakeItHappen]

For me, I have been 'other directed' my whole adult life. If I am honest with myself, my sense of self was derived by pleasing, fixing, helping other people and did not naturally come from within. I have almost had to treat myself as a differnt person... .  and afford myself the same empathy, forgiveness, care, generosity that I so quickly provide strangers!

I am not there yet, but already know that pwBPD will not be a fit for me any more. I will not be attracted to the waif, the stranded, the broken. I want and deserve a fully functioning, caring, sane, adult for a partner and not the fixer-uppers I have been choosing for 20 years.

THANK YOU for saying the exact words I've been writing in my journal for weeks now.

[fakename]

hahaha, i had to reply to this cause i also got the 'i wish you the best", "i will always love you" on top of:

"just focus on you as i'm going to focus on me now", "you don't know what true love is", "you're a coward", "i want you to just be happy" thats all i can remember for the time being

i broke up with my ex feb 4th, and since i found this message board, i've begun to get the closure i needed i think... .  i'd still take her back, but coming here helps me not do that when she does break NC