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Author Topic: I need to be told this is not my fault...  (Read 398 times)
mango_flower
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« on: February 24, 2013, 06:06:48 PM »

I feel like I'm going crazy.

In a nutshell:

Super quick relationship - amazing!  Soulmates from day 1... .  (ha!)

I have never been in love before (and I am now 33) so this was what I had been waiting for my whole life.  After 10 days she told me she wanted me to be her wife one day - I had no reason to believe her, she had been single for 4 years, so no warning signs of jumping between relationships.

We were like 2 teenagers in love - only wanted to be with each other, in our little bubble.  We both never wanted marriage and kids, but with each other, somehow we did. She told me stories of her awful childhood, her mean family, friends that treated her badly.  I never quite 100% believed it, but I didn't think it really affected what we had in the here and now.

I was amazing to her.  She was the more romantic one - flowers, cute little cards etc... .  I was more practical.  I emotionally caretook in many ways - talking her through her bad days at work, being logical and rational if she was having problems with a friend, there for her 100% during a health scare - I was unwaveringly supportive.

My friends have since told me that they always felt something wasn't "quite right" - things didn't always add up about her past etc.  She always somehow made herself look suspicious.  I had a gut feeling from time to time too, but ignored it. (Past debts have since come to light etc).

We got engaged 6 months in.  This was incredible for me - always thought these things were for other people! Moved in together on month 8. Both so excited, like little kids playing house, buying new things for our place - life was perfect.

And then everything hit us at once - she had a cancer scare (this was 100% true, I saw the drs report), her Uncle died (again, 100% true), she was made redundant... .  

She had a meltdown.  Pretty much was an emotional breakdown.  I didn't really understand at first, and she was rude, snappy, angry... .  I started having doubts about getting married so soon (it was due in another 2 months and we'd sent the first batch of invites out). Other reasons too - lack of money, my Mum couldn't have been there etc. She could sense I was unhappy and stressed and gave me the option of delaying the wedding (as I'd kept saying it felt too soon).  She was sad and cried, but a week later said she was over it. (clearly a lie!)

She started staying away with work, just to get away from me I think.

Then a month later she told me it was over.  That I had broken her beyond belief but wanting to postpone.

My friends say that she gave up too easily, that she had the right to feel sad and angry, but that she should have talked it through with me and that's what a normal person would have done! But I don't know if they're just saying that cos they're my friends... .  ? 

Does anyone have any honest opinions on that?  She says part of her died that day.

She ended up moving away to where some of her work friends live, about 3 months ago.  Started dating one of them and yesterday they got engaged.  I'm beyond heartbroken. This is what WE were supposed to do!  But it's my own stupid fault for wanting a bit more time.  I never stopped loving her - but she says she thought I did.  (She has now accepted that I did love her and still do but says it's too late, that I broke her).

All I can think about is that I deserve for this to have happened.  I was perfect in every way to her, except wanting marriage a year later.  I know I should have told her before, but I just went along with it until I started getting anxiety attacks.

Now she's engaged to her new girl and all I can think about is that this was supposed to be US.  And how I am inadequate and deserve to have lost her.

My mean thoughts tell me that this new girl is probably 100 times better than me, happier, more positive, funnier, kinder, and better for her.  Maybe she is more committed than me (the eternal commitment phobe).

Since she has left, I have found out about loads of debts from her past and I know that her new girl doesn't know about these.  Well, I can't imagine so - she never told me!

She just upped and left, leaving me with a pile of bills, rent to pay, completely dodged her commitments.  Even left me to look after her pet! (which she came and got a month later).

My friends say they always felt something wasn't quite right - she came out of nowhere into my life and things just didn't add up.

I can't work out how her new gf and new circle of friends haven't seen this yet - so maybe I am the crazy one?  Looking for things that weren't there... .  maybe any normal, sane person would have reacted the same way and gone off looking for something new and better, seeing as I couldn't give her what she wanted... .  she refuses to accept that I only wanted to wait a year, she keeps telling people I called the wedding off!

If she goes through with marriage to her new girl (which I think she will) then it'll finish me off - we had everything - I knew she had issues but I still loved her.  I wonder if new girl knows about her issues... .  it's only been 3 months though.

All I can think about is that her life is perfect now, she has everything she ever wanted, and my life is miserable and lonely.  I don't fall in love easily and this was just so right. And I can't help feeling bitter that she's going to get her happy ever after, the marriage, the kids... .  and I won't.  And I can't help thinking this is all my fault and maybe she doesn't have BPD and that this new girl is going to be way more patient with her, give her everything she wants, and she will feel so safe and secure that she will become "normal".  Maybe it was me, and I brought out the worst in her?

Sorry so long, but any reassuring words (or even the honest truth!) would be great. xxx

P.S Other red flags - piles of debt, walked out of her marriage to a friends, then fell out with this friend when I came on the scene and did a runner to me, has fallen out with numerous friends, I have caught her out on small lies, she says she feels dead inside, she changes who she is to fit with new people, never sticks at anything, people pleaser etc etc.  But also very kind and caring and never had the rages that I read about in people with BPD.  She has since accused me of never appreciating all the cute little things I did for her, and it feels like she always wanted everything to be perfect - she couldn't handle it if she wasn't.
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Clearmind
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: February 24, 2013, 06:14:56 PM »

mango_flower, when I first arrived at bpdfamily.com I needed to know it was not my fault – and it wasn’t – neither is it yours.

We saw a bunch of red flags, like the ones in your post – we over looked them – the reasons for this will become apparent the longer you stick around reading and posting.

We also begin to see the reality of our r/s – that they were toxic and they were in fact not perfect as we lead ourselves to believe.

BPD is a disorder of the personality – this does not change with a new host.

You will be OK - you hurt, you maybe confused - give yourself some time to grieve and heal. 
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struggletown

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« Reply #2 on: February 24, 2013, 06:31:27 PM »

It is NOT your fault! That is the one thing you must tell yourself and with time and distance you will see it to be true. I am also 33 and coming out of a 12 month relationship with BPDgf. She has so many of the things you mention, debt from the past, friends who are no longer friends, a marriage that she walked out on after cheating for years.

What you are experiencing is just a small part of what this person has been like for a long time. It's not your fault that it ended. Take care of yourself whatever way you can.
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turtle
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« Reply #3 on: February 24, 2013, 06:37:48 PM »

It is NOT your fault!

Who has the power to say this to you so that you will believe it?

turtle

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WT
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« Reply #4 on: February 24, 2013, 06:40:57 PM »

Hi mango_flower, I've already told you that it's not your fault, but I'll tell you as many times as you need to hear it. Smiling (click to insert in post)  I've already told you my story and how quickly I fell completely in love with my ex.  However, if I had married her quickly, then I wouldn't have had the time to first spot the red flags and then eventually the meltdowns.  Although the events surrounding the postponement of your wedding are unfortunate/tragic, I think that it gave you the opportunity to see what your ex was like at her worst and what you could expect going forward if your relationship faced adversity.
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struggli
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« Reply #5 on: February 24, 2013, 06:42:33 PM »

Well, just with this one bit of information "she is engaged to someone else three months after breaking our engagement" we can see that she she is not stable.  I am 8 or so months out and at times (like today haha) I think it was my fault.  Almost everything you've written resonated with me.  I practically could have written it.  Did I not appreciate her affection enough?  Etc

But when I recall, I put more effort into the relationship than any other.  And I'm not just talking about in the codependent sort of way when problems started arising.  When things were going well, I reciprocated and showed gratitude and expressed my love in every way I could. 

And I bet you did too.  But you still wonder if wasn't enough.  What we gave wasn't enough for our exes because they will go on searching for happiness with partner after partner indefinitely.  She will never find it until she finds herself.

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Seb
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« Reply #6 on: February 24, 2013, 06:56:34 PM »

As the others have said... .  this isn't your fault.

This girl was like this way before you came on the scene, trust me.

Maybe you've ignored your gut instinct a lot before? Start learning to trust it a little more. You weren't ready for a reason. And that reason sounds like its turned out to be correct.

You may not be there right now, but I'll map it out for you a little. To be involved with people like our exes, we need to fit a certain mould. We tend to be fixers/rescuers. People with borderline traits need people... .  and they search and search until they find someone who will fill that void for them; someone who will look after them and never leave them and make them feel whole and worthy.

A lot of people see our exes and run the other way - they pick up on blatant early signs of crazy that we simply don't (or chose to ignore?). I know my exgf's signs of crazy were familiar to me, so instead of running away as fast as I could, I jumped right in... .  thinking I could fix her. Any red flags I ignored because I've never been able to fully trust my perceptions and gut instinct. Self-doubt overrode any red flags.

People with BPD essentially want caretakers, people who will provide unconditional love. These relationships aren't healthy relationships based on reciprocity and adult mature love. They are recreations of parent-child relationships. They want the perfect, all-giving partner (parent) who will meet their every need. Boundaries are trampled on. How long this new r/s lasts depends on how much her new gf is prepared to put up with unacceptable behaviours.

The news is, pwBPD will never find anyone who will be 'perfect'. We all make the mistake of being human at some point. These relationships can't last. A relationship with an untreated borderline will most likely fail. We're all the greatest love of their life until we aren't, and the sheer speed at which they can move on is mind-blowing.

My guess... .  this new relationship won't last. They may get married, and although it'll hurt like hell, you will be ok. Why? Because we've all been there and we will be here for you too. Because you can heal and have the chance to work through your issues (the ones that led you in to such a r/s) and find a healthy, reciprocal relationship. Your ex will be doomed to live in this hell forever without a commitment to getting healthy.

You will be ok. Give it time and be kind to yourself. I was where you are now and I can promise you it does get better.
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rogerroger
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« Reply #7 on: February 24, 2013, 07:50:10 PM »

... .  it's my own stupid fault for wanting a bit more time.

From your description of things, wanting the slow down and take stock was perfectly reasonable. What you're saying here is that you should not have had the right to move a a pace with which you were comfortable -- that you should have let her have all the power in the relationship to set the pace of things. Wait... .  really? Does that sound like the way a healthy relationship should work?

When she says YOU broke her, exactly how? When she had her cancer scare, did you support and reassure her? Or did you suddenly find that you were too busy to make time for her? When her uncle died, did you support her? Or did you suggest she should get over it and pay more attention to you?

There is a difference between not being there for someone and not doing everything they wish you would do, since often it just isn't humanly possible to do the latter.
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