did you feel like you were never "enough"?

[imstronghere2]

Many, many times I felt like I just wasn't "enough".  It was my instincts, my "gut" that told me this.  The exwBPD never came out with words saying it as she was the quintessential waif but it was in the very subtle way she had of making sure you KNEW it.  This, over everything else during our 22 years together is probably the single most destructive thing that was done to me.  This feeling of never being "enough" eventually broke me down.  Tore down my self esteem.   Drained me completely and tore down my boundaries.  It took years to do, but she was very methodical and in the end, betrayed and abandoned me, our kids and everything that was our life.  We're all doing much better now and she married the man she was having her affair with almost 1 year to the day after our divorce.  He's as NPD as they come and is filling her vast need for attention, at least for now.  If what everyone says on these boards say is true, he too will eventually be broken down and feel like he's not "enough" but I wonder about that.  They seem perfect for each other, in their own sick way.

[OTH]

These were FOO issues for me. I had these feelings ingrained since childhood. The over the top idealization was like a drug to me. One of the first times in my life I felt like I was enough. After that ended the passive aggressive put downs and push pull behavior really ate up my self esteem. She didn't do this to me though, I've always tended to look outside myself for validation. When I look at what I put into the r/s and what she put into the r/s I see what a gross distortion she made of things. I know my truth. It is a hard change to seek validation from within but better that then seeking validation from a disordered person.

Many, many times I felt like I just wasn't "enough".  It was my instincts, my "gut" that told me this.  The exwBPD never came out with words saying it as she was the quintessential waif but it was in the very subtle way she had of making sure you KNEW it.  This, over everything else during our 22 years together is probably the single most destructive thing that was done to me.  This feeling of never being "enough" eventually broke me down.  Tore down my self esteem.   Drained me completely and tore down my boundaries.  It took years to do, but she was very methodical and in the end, betrayed and abandoned me, our kids and everything that was our life.  We're all doing much better now and she married the man she was having her affair with almost 1 year to the day after our divorce.  He's as NPD as they come and is filling her vast need for attention, at least for now.  If what everyone says on these boards say is true, he too will eventually be broken down and feel like he's not "enough" but I wonder about that.  They seem perfect for each other, in their own sick way.

[screwedovr]

I feel your pain, my 12 yr marriage was identical to yours, never enough, yet i would work 14 hr days and get home to my kids saying daddy were hungry.  Then If i asked her why no dinner was cooked she would just give me a hateful stare. She ended up meeting a guy last summer while i was at the lake with the kids, then she ditched me and is with him now.  I think when we get tired of thier crap and see through them, they know they have to find someone new to fool.

[HarmKrakow]

Did I feel like i was never enough?

Yip ...

Why?

1) Because I started working harder and harder to get her approval

2) And every time she said it was not enough

3) And I started working harder and harder and let my boundaries slip and my self esteem destroy

4) But it was never enough

5) I was physically and mentally 'dead'

6) She looked at me, thought, whats wrong with you and left

and i ended up sitting alone in tears wondering why in earth did I allow this to happen to myself?

[WT]

I didn't need to feel like I was never enough, my ex straight up told me many, many times.  Basically, any time that I didn't indulge in her impulsive/destructive behaviors, she would list my shortcomings and tell me about how any other bf would do those things for her.  She would usually apologize after calming down, but even with apologies, it takes a huge toll on your self-esteem, and the insults would inevitably come back again in the future.  What really helped me during one of these times was a talk with her best friend (who was actually the one who introduced us to each other), and even she asked me how do I put up with my ex.  This made me feel validated, knowing that even people outside of the relationship can see that my ex was lucky to have me without me needing to tell them my side of the story.

[imstronghere2]

Did I feel like i was never enough?

Yip ...

Why?

1) Because I started working harder and harder to get her approval

2) And every time she said it was not enough

3) And I started working harder and harder and let my boundaries slip and my self esteem destroy

4) But it was never enough

5) I was physically and mentally 'dead'

6) She looked at me, thought, whats wrong with you and left

and i ended up sitting alone in tears wondering why in earth did I allow this to happen to myself?

Yeah, that was me.  I'm not consumed by it as I once was but I'm not completely over it either.  22 years is a long time to invest in a r/s just to have it and all those years thrown away like it was nothing.

[mosaicbird]

I didn't need to feel like I was never enough, my ex straight up told me many, many times.  

This! But then when I'd say, "I'm not enough for you," she would disagree and tell me I just wasn't "trying hard enough."  

[findingmyselfagain]

I felt like this in some way. I believe mine displayed more as the PA/Waify/Hermit type. I wouldn't say I never felt like I wasn't enough. I knew I was a good guy... .  easy-going, cheerful disposition, liked to have fun, didn't like conflict. Why hadn't I found an awesome girl, already, I didn't know? But I was constantly disappointed in my efforts to show her how much she was loved. I always wondered why she picked so many "strange" fights. It threw me for a major shock when she hung out with one of her co-workers just a few days after our wedding shower. I learned that I've been attracted to rescuing. It has a lot to do with my Waify/temperamental mother. That's the kind of woman I've been comfortable with. I believed by showing her love (since the problem was obviously that other men didn't treat her well... .  another illusion)... .  that she would show me the same. I felt like she never did GET that I loved her. Nothing I said or did was accepted in a normal context by her. There was always some ulterior motive, and of course her gifts/demands had to be loved and complied with immediately. It wouldn't have lasted if we married. Many good lessons learned though costly.