I am hit with guilt about all this.
You can't stop your feelings... . but guilt isn't a helpful one usually.
Thinking if you are behaving wisely and kindly, sounds better. So does thinking about how you can improve it.
I feel like it's fair to put up with his temper because he puts up with my anxieties and depression. He really was empathetic, and beyond patient for a very long time.
Yes and No.
Yes, you feel that you owe him some tolerance, patience, and love because of all he has done for you. That is why you are still in a relationship with him.
No, you aren't helping either one of you if you just "put up with" his temper and allow him to rage at you or hurt you. Really. Don't do it "to help him" because it doesn't help him. The "best case" is that he gets dependent upon using you as an emotional punching bag as a way to manage his own feelings.
At that point, remove yourself from the situation as quickly and calmly as you can, trying not to join in the fight or argue.
I want to talk to people at the same time as thinking if things ever went back to how they were before--maybe I did too much damage to his reputation with my family and friends?
That's not right, he has a mental illness... . so do as depression is technically a mental illness... . I don't know.
I did tell some people in our lives about my wife's issues/behavior. I am not sure if it did more help or more harm in different cases. I don't do so much of it these days.
One thing I did do fairly carefully was pick people who have personal experience with mental health issues, either their own, family members, or both, and do view it as an illness that can be treated.
All told it is a tough choice. OTOH, venting/asking for advice on these boards is great and safe!