Coming to terms that d13 is in RTC still questioning decision

[Cici]

My d13 has been 5 hospitals since November 2012, most recently we were told she was going to be committed to a state hospital.  I was told that we wouldn't be able to choose to discharge her until staff agreed she was "better".  It was expected to be at least 6 months.  We sought advise of a lawyer familiar with the facilities in NJ and were advised that these places were last resorts for teens whose parents had basically given up and had a lot of delinquent behaviors.  My d13 has no delinquent behaviors, is not disrespectful, not angry, has a good group of friends, not substance abuse etc... .  she cuts and has SI. So we put her in an RTC in Utah, one that I have been told has a great track record with BPD teens.  I'm struggling with perhaps I shouldn't have panicked when the hospital said they wanted to commit her, I am not even sure what that means here in NJ.  I am getting therapy for me now to help with my anxiety and self doubt over this decision.  How long does it take for the parent to adjust?   I feel like I need an RTC after the roller coaster of emotions of the past 5 months.  She is diagnosed MDD,GAD,ADHD and BPD was just added at the latest hospital prior to the RTC.  We never got to the outpatient treatment, every time we had an intake for a PHP or an IOP she would cut or go in and report actively SI which would get us referred back to local crisis hospital.  I want to take her home and get her intensive one on one therapy and have a private psychiatrist stop the rollercoaster of meds she's been on too.   Can the meds be causing the SI?  Or am I just in a big fat stage of denial that she has BPD even though she's not angry etc... ?  I just don't want to be contradictory to the treatment and therefore a part of the problem and not the solution.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Hi CICI -

This is a very tough decision to make. I would think that your retaining control of the situation of the rtc and not giving up your parental rights to the state of NJ to commit your D is the right thing to do. What is your T's approach in your therapy, and has it been helpful for you yet?

How long has your D been at the rtc? I can take 1-3 months of struggle for your daughter to get over her own denial and start to work with the program. What kinds of family support and interaction are a part of the program at the rtc?

We do care so much for you and your family. Even though I did not go through the same path as you are in with my BPDD age 26, I can sure understand your distress. It is so so scary knowing how to cope with SI. Many of the parents here have seen this behavior decrease or disappear with time, and often with self-awareness skills for our kids. It does take time for each of us to get where we need to be.

I will go back and read you intro post, and see what articles and workshops might be helpful for you right now.

qcr  

[qcarolr]

CICI - here are a couple of resources that focus on adolescents.

Book: Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents:

A Complete Guide to Understanding and Coping When Your Adolescent Has BPD

By Blaise A. Aguirre, MD

Link to reveiw;  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65571.0#lastPost

Video: BPD In Adolescence: Early Detection and Intervention - Blaise Aguirre, MD (Uploaded on Nov 22, 2011;

Family Perspectives on Borderline Personality Disorder: The Basics and Beyond - Atlanta, GA - November 4, 2011)

Link to utube vidoe; www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4KjxxPp3Ls

Hope the info here is helpful for you. Please understand that BPD can show itself in many ways - it can be so unique. How I can see this in my BPDD26 is when she is internalizing her intense, overwhelming emotions she cries and becomes filled with suicidal thinking For her this often flips rather quickly in rage - projecting her emotions onto the nearest and dearest, usually me as mom.

As I have learned the skills, and DBT for myself was one of the first, and put them into practice things have gotten better. The rtc whre you D is at CAN work for her. Please reach out as the options for your participation are made open to you. Remember the first task has to be to get your D connected - and she will resist this with all she has. Hold on.

I walked through lbjnltx journey with her D at Falcom Ridge for those 10 months she mentioned in a reply to your intro post. There was much torment in the beginning. I have also heard this from other parents -who so want to bring their child home in that first 4-6 weeks as they are begged by their child to come home. I hope as you can take in all the information, that you can find the hope that is here for you, and for your D.

Please keep coming back and let us know how you are doing. This is the best place in the world to vent, cry, ask for what you need. We will be listening.

qcr

[Cici]

The care love and support I have found here in just a few hours has given me much needed strength.  I will have to stay connected here to stay strong and resist the urge to rescue her.

Thank you.

[sunshineplease]

Hey, CICI, I hear you're feeling overwhelmed and scared right now, and I know you'd love the absolute reassurance that you've made the right choice -- the same reassurance I crave!

I just put my ud17 (MDD, GAD) in an RTC, as well, and I think it's normal to doubt one's decision. Mostly that's because I don't believe the psycho-industrial complex has anything to offer that's the perfect fit for these teens. I did get some interesting advice as I was doing my research and making plans: The founder of one RTC said, "whatever decision you make will be the right one, and you'll go one from there." Which I took to mean that there are no guarantees in life, only that we're doing our best every moment with the information we have.

I also asked a friend what it had taken to help her daughter (who'd been nonfunctional and suicidal) get better, and she said, "Time." She felt that keeping kids safe at this particularly difficult age (puberty - age 24 or so) was key. And based on what you've said, it would seem that keeping your daughter safe is priority #1. So RTC sure sounds like a reasonable step. Integrated treatment modalities seem the most promising option, too, particularly those focusing particularly on BPD.

As for intensive outpatient, that's what was recommended for my daughter, too, but we knew she wasn't ready for it. Everything I've read about intensive outpatient work with BPD patients suggests that patient buy-in is crucial, and my daughter simply wasn't there. I'm thinking your daughter might not have been, either.

Give it a little time, too. It sounds as if you're starting the hard work of adjusting to life as the parent of a mentally ill teen. It just stinks, and it IS a lot of heavy lifting for us. As I've had some time and space to take care of myself, I've been able to learn more about mental illness (through this forum and NAMI and our family therapist), and I'm pretty sure my daughter's depression is of the "atypical" kind, and her BPD traits are low-functioning/not angry. The RTC where she is is treating the behavior, not the diagnosis, so she's not victimized (her favorite role) by the diagnoses, but what I'm learning (and knowing her so well, as her mom) I can pass on to her new therapist.

As for the meds, I'm not a huge fan. As Malcolm Bowers says, "some persons are more vulnerable than others to the psychotogenic potential of these agents ... .  urge caution in their use, especially in those with a family history of major psychotic or manic illness. I believe that psychiatry as a field has not emphasized this point sufficiently." Based on my daughter's response to SSRIs (not working, while simultaneously causing pretty nasty side-effects), I'm pretty sure she has the same genetic drug-metabolism problem my sister has. (When we have access to a major medical center visit, we'll test for that; in the meantime, my child's finishing being weaned off the last of 6 drugs). At my NAMI group this week there were several sets of parents who believed their children's psychoses were drug-induced (illicit drugs AND psych drugs). I could go on and on, and I know you'll hear from parents who swear drugs were a huge help to their kids. And I'm not anti-drug, as chemo saved my daughter's life when she was three. But if the drugs seem to coincide with a worsening of symptoms -- as was the case with my daughter -- I'd sure ask a lot of questions.

I wish you love and light on this difficult journey, and am sending a cyber hug to a fellow traveler on the road no one wants to be on!

[Cici]

I'm still researching if the RTC is the best decision for my D at this point.  My sbtx now wants to sell our home which I was supposed to retain in the divorce, to pay for treatment.  I want to refinance it and retain the property, we are at odds with everything right now.  I found a good resource from alink on the FTC's website for parents considering RTC.  Some good consumer information for anyone in the investigation stages of RTC's.  I tried to be very thorough but discovered I was told the RTC was accredited for the medical aspect of the program by JCHAO and found out after she was admitted that it's not.  This is my big concern right now.  Meeting with lawyers today sbtx won't talk about my concerns or the fact we disagree on treatment and how to pay for it.    

www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0185-residential-treatment-programs-teens

www.astartforteens.org/warning-signs

[lbjnltx]

Hello CICI

Just for clarification purposes regarding funding for your d's rtc, are you saying that the insurance company told you they would pay for the rtc and then said they would not or are you saying the rtc told you they were JACHO certified and then after she was enrolled you found out they were not JACHO certified?

Sometimes RTC's can be funded outside the guidelines of the policy verbiage if  you work with them... .  not an easy thing to do I know.

[jellibeans]

thanks CICI... .  these sites are very helpful... .  

I have been thinking about you... .  how is it going with your dd? How stressful to be worrying about money issues but I guess that is the ugly reality of the situation... .  my husband recently suggested that plan as well... .  I tend to think refinancing would be better since the interest rates are so low right now... .  don't rush that decision... .  

Have you had a chance to talk with dd? I am thinking of you... .  stay strong... .  one day at a time... .  

[jellibeans]

CicI

Can you update us on your dd?

[Cici]

I'm really really struggling with the decision to keep my d13 at FRR.  It'll 4 weeks on Friday, I did talk to her yesterday and as expected she cried to come home.  I can handle that, it's tough to hear but I expected that.  What I didn't expect is that she reporting, it's not confirmed by staff yet, although the clinical director was in the room while we were talking, that she was called a btch in PPC group and then mocked by someone.  She was given the meeting and decided to accept it as if she chooses not to she is not allowed to respond or talk in the meeting just listen.  She is being checked on her shirt being untucked and her bed not being made... .  I feel like she is just being picked on.  I didn't tell her any of this of course.  To top it off her t has been out since May 6th.  So I haven't gotten any info from the proc either.  I am just not getting communication that I feel is necessary.  I am trying to be patient, is it unreasonable to expect an answer to an email after 48 hours?  D13 states she has only received a few emails I have sent her and I have not received a single letter yet, the clinical director explained mail takes a long time from Utah, 4 weeks? I do not agree with communication being so restrictive I am trying to use radical acceptance here.  I am just not happy with the RTC.  I am sorry I can't be more positive, I am reading and rereading lbjnx blog about here daughter's time there and trying to reassure myself this is an appropriate program.  I don't really know how d13 is, no one from the staff is really telling me a whole lot.  sbtx wants her to stay there, I feel like I have no say in the matter and that she is being held there against my will.  I will not and have not let her know there is a conflict between her Dad and I or that I am questioning the program.  I just don't know why we have to take this tough love approach in order to treat a girl that has SI and SIB, I feel as if they are treating behaviors and not a mental illness.  How does being told to tuck in your shirt by your peer help you get rid of the si thoughts?   :'(  I'm in a very very bad place... .  

[jellibeans]

Cici

Thank you for the update. I have been thinking about you a great deal and can't imagine how difficult it must be for you all. My dd is in ER with suicide attempt and I am unsure where to take her. I don't know if you remembered we talked a few weeks back.  I will say a prayer for you I hope things work out. Seems like one situation is no better than the other. Try to rest and I hope your dd is getting the help she needs. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

I'm really really struggling with the decision to keep my d13 at FRR.  It'll 4 weeks on Friday, I did talk to her yesterday and as expected she cried to come home.  I can handle that, it's tough to hear but I expected that.  What I didn't expect is that she reporting, it's not confirmed by staff yet, although the clinical director was in the room while we were talking, that she was called a btch in PPC group and then mocked by someone.  She was given the meeting and decided to accept it as if she chooses not to she is not allowed to respond or talk in the meeting just listen.

This is good... .  that she would take a meeting so early on in PPC group.  It gives her the opportunity to learn how other's perceive her behaviors and attitude. Getting the feedback from her peer group will mean more to her than the words of adults.

Being called an ugly name by a peer in the outside world is a common occurrence right?  Dealing with it in a constructive way will show her how to deal with it when she gets back home... .  transference of skills to home environment is the goal.  Have you read "Positive Peer Culture" by Harvy and Bentro yet?

 She is being checked on her shirt being untucked and her bed not being made... .  I feel like she is just being picked on.

It is about being compliant and following the rules... .  about bending the strong will without breaking the spirit.  Most teens with ODD need the rules and compliance aspect to be able to respect others and their boundaries.  They learn that it is their responsibility to follow the rules and when responsibilities are taken care of then privileges are earned.

  I didn't tell her any of this of course.  To top it off her t has been out since May 6th.  So I haven't gotten any info from the proc either.  I am just not getting communication that I feel is necessary.  I am trying to be patient, is it unreasonable to expect an answer to an email after 48 hours?

That can always use improvement!  I was really glad when I began to get the progress reports on a regular basis.  Call Karen everyday if you want to ... .  just to ask "How is my d today?"

  D13 states she has only received a few emails I have sent her and I have not received a single letter yet, the clinical director explained mail takes a long time from Utah, 4 weeks? I do not agree with communication being so restrictive I am trying to use radical acceptance here.

All outgoing mail by students is reviewed by staff to be sure they are not being abusive towards their parents. If a student writes something abusive their t will usually give them the letter back and ask them to rewrite it.  It takes time to review all the outgoing communication... .  and yes... .  mail travels very slowly through the mountains.  My d did not write me one single letter in 10.5 months... .  it was her choice.

 I am just not happy with the RTC.

What would make you happy?

I am sorry I can't be more positive, I am reading and rereading lbjnx blog about here daughter's time there and trying to reassure myself this is an appropriate program.  I don't really know how d13 is, no one from the staff is really telling me a whole lot.  sbtx wants her to stay there, I feel like I have no say in the matter and that she is being held there against my will.

When her t gets back and you have regular family therapy over the phone you will get a good sense of how she is.  Are you angry that you don't have control over this?  I would be angry if I felt decisions about my d's care and well being were outside of my authority. 

I will not and have not let her know there is a conflict between her Dad and I or that I am questioning the program.

It is important to present a united front and belief in the program, otherwise you are undermining the authority of the program and it's affectiveness for your daughter.

I just don't know why we have to take this tough love approach in order to treat a girl that has SI and SIB, I feel as if they are treating behaviors and not a mental illness.  How does being told to tuck in your shirt by your peer help you get rid of the si thoughts?   :'(  I'm in a very very bad place... .  

There is intrinsic value in the all aspects of the program.  Learning to live side by side respectfully with others, valuing self enough to have and enforce boundaries, and being accepted by and accepting of peers are some the goals of the program.  When conflict arises the student is guided in therapy to look at their belief systems, thinking errors, lack of coping skills and long and short term goals.  It is a lengthy, indepth process.  What has transpired over the last year in terms of improvement at home for your daughter?  Was what you were doing at home working?

[Cici]

I haven't finished reading Positive Peer Culture yet, what I am reading is only causing me to question this further, d13 is not ODD, didn't have negative behaviors (excluding SIB) at home or school, no problem with authority etc. She was cutting and battling with si.  As far as taking the meeting, I completely disagree with derogatory comments being used in or out of therapy, there is no place for name calling, it can become abusive.  They drilled into me that all the checking was done in a kind and loving manner with respect.  It is not respectful to be called names.  I am assuming staff interceded and addressed that situation.  I certainly hope so.  I did encourage d13 to approach her peer and explain to her how d13 felt when her peer called her a name, I suggested she do this with staff present.  I don't want to teach d13 that she should accept being verbally mistreated by peers or anyone is ok.  d13 has always been good about following directions and accepting authority, I don't have my head in the sand here, I have questioned myself over and over.  I don't get complaints from school about her and other than reminding her to do her chores at home she doesn't challenge her dad or I.  I called Karen the other day to check on my d13 and was referred to the program director whom updated me as best he can at the moment.  I am trying to be respectful of their time and not be intrusive understanding their job is to treat my daughter so I haven't called Karen a lot.  Perhaps I'll start calling instead of waiting for a response to my emails.  I would be happier with the RTC if 1) there were more open communication i.e. my emails were given to d13 on the same day I write them, 2) I could call and speak to d13 at a set time 2-3x a week, again she's never been abusive or aggressive verbally to us or anyone else that I am aware of, 3)if we had an update/assessment by the pdoc at this point, 4) there was more dbt therapy 5) more equine therapy, currently she goes out about 1x a week. 6) we had scheduled therapy phone calls in place 7) they would respond to emails within 48 hours. 8) they didn't require uniforms.  9) she was with peers that were closer to her age.  12-14 not 14-17. 10) she had more 1 on 1 therapy sessions, at least 2 a week.    I recognize that my lack of control is very uncomfortable for me, I acknowledge that will be my challenge throughout this process, I am working on letting go and accepting that I cannot control this.  sbtx stated last night that he didn't want d13 to come home until divorce was final as that he made her a promise that he would move out soon and he wants to keep that promise. I feel as if he just wants to warhouse her there until the divorce is final and then will agree to bring her home, he readily states he doesn't think she needs to be there for 9 months.  So yes, I am being manipulated by sbtx.  It does anger me.  I am trying to make sure that my motivation/desire for d13 to be home is not for my own needs and that I am doing what I truley believe to be best for her, even if it against professional advise.   I do not want to disrespect the program or the professionals and the time and attention they are giving to my daughter to help her.  I will not undermine them by giving d13 visibility to my discomfort, I have to deal with my own issues.  I recognize that what was happening at home wasn't helping d13 at all, we never got a chance to do outpatient therapy she was constantly in crisis stating si and sib.  no attempts just statements.  So I am reminding myself of this daily, home was not working and I have to give this program a chance.  I have to accept that home may have even been the cause of some of this behavior.   I am fearful that if we've made a mistake she will be worse not better.  Then again, if we make the mistake of pulling her she could still get worse not better.  I just wished I had a better understanding of how the program operated before I sent her there,  I don't think I would've chosen an RTC.  I think a hospital would be better, I wanted to treat an illness not behaviors. That is the fundamental problem I am having.  I am trying to understand how focusing on behaviors will treat her illness.  I have her in a program that focus's on 12 specific behaviors, of which I can only identify 2, her Dad could identify 3, a close family friend could identify 2 as well.   I pray to god I am very very very wrong.  The only behavior that needed to change was the reporting of SI and the cutting.  ( I don't know how to seperate the comments like you do, sorry if the comments are confusing.  I was reading each area you commented on and replying.)  I remind myself daily I am not a mental health professional, they know more than me, I have to trust in them.  It'd help a lot if they would communicate more. I have a conference call with the clinical director tomorrow, I am hoping she has a treatment plan that she can discuss with me and give me some information from the pdoc, and that she can address the issue of name calling in the PPC meeting.  I hope she doesn't say well I don't know I wasn't there etc... and then go on to tell me how they typically handle those issues.  I am looking for specifics about d13 not program generalities.  Thank you for your wisdom, kind thoughtful words and gentle challenges you pose.  I respect and heed what you say a great deal.  Thank you.  

[Cici]

Cici

Thank you for the update. I have been thinking about you a great deal and can't imagine how difficult it must be for you all. My dd is in ER with suicide attempt and I am unsure where to take her. I don't know if you remembered we talked a few weeks back.  I will say a prayer for you I hope things work out. Seems like one situation is no better than the other. Try to rest and I hope your dd is getting the help she needs. 

In all my discomfort, one thing I want to make very clear, I do think that FRR is a quality program.  I really really do.  I think those that run it are kind, compassionate and dedicated professionals.  I am just not certain I believe this is the right program for my d13 and her problems.  So please please keep that in mind as you are navigating this decision for yourself and your family.    

[lbjnltx]

I understand what you are saying about addressing the illness not the behavior.

Self injury, parasuicidal gestures, and suicidal attempts/ideation are manifestations of her thoughts and feelings.  These are the outward expression of her inner pain.  They are behaviors... .  maladaptive coping skills in regards to the self injury.

All behaviors are driven by thoughts and feelings.  Addressing the behaviors (regular staff and peers) holds them accountable for their actions, attitude, belief systems and thinking errors.  In therapy she learns how to change the attitude, belief systems and thinking errors and replace those with healthier options and higher level coping skills.  Without the accountability tool of PPC and staff there is no motivation for your d to recognize the need for higher level skills and healthier thought processes.

You are in a very difficult place in your life right now.  Having a child w/mental illness that self injures and or makes suicidal threats/gestures is hard enough.  Dealing with her illness and going through a divorce is a huge amount to bear.  FRR is a high quality program filled with people who care about your d13 and your family.  Can you rest a bit knowing she is safe?  Take some time to care about yourself?

[Cici]

Yes, I do take comfort that d13 is safe and in a place that is a quality, caring environment.  I am getting therapy myself to help deal with my own issues of control and get much needed support.  I want to make certain I am doing the best I can for my other 2 children at home as well. 

Thank you.

[lbjnltx]

How old are your other 2?  How are they dealing with the absence of their sister and their dad's move?

[Cici]

my youngest d11 misses d13 a great deal.  She was showing some seperation anxiety from me for awhile but she is in good spirits.   Now that I'm not always running off to a hospital and she knows who's picking her up from school etc... she is a lot more comfortable.  My s15 feels bad for his sister and just want the stbx to move out so we can all adjust to the new normal of two homes etc.  He is just wanting the divorce over.  sbtx and I are now trying out a parenting schedule so when it's his time I usually spend time at a friends house, when it's my time sbtx comes home later from work etc... .  trying to transition for all of us into a new lifestyle. 

Thank you for asking.

[lbjnltx]

Divorce is hard on children.  Especially children who have abandonment fears. 

Are your d11 and s15 attending family therapy with you at times? 

I had a difficult time with my d's initial diagnoses of BPD because I could not understand how she could perceive herself being abandoned.  I came to realize the words "real or imagined" left a great deal of room for exploring how she perceives the people and events in her life.  What we see as balanced and experienced adults as painful yet commonly occuring situations of life our highly sensitive/low self image children experience as abandonment. 

Sometimes we emotionally experience events the same way our children do.  Some parents feel that placing their child in RTC is giving up on them.  While it may feel that way the reality is in our intent.  It is with great hope that my d went into RTC. My committment to her and to do everything in my power to help her and work on myself at the same time left no room for the feeling that I was giving up on her.  As a matter of fact she often requested that I give up on her... .  my response... .  Never.  Realizing that she needed more than I was able to provide for her outpatient and also acknowledging that she was not nearly as bad off as other kids still running the streets.  I had to ask myself Why, Why not, Why now, and if so ... .  Where?  I had to let go of any false sense of control I had over her... .  I could not keep her safe from herself. 

I did the work to answer all the Why's and the Where... .  that was in my control.  I trusted myself and my God who helped me through the process and placed my then d13 at Falcon Ridge... .  because I trusted my decision I also trusted in the people there and the program... .  there were difficult times in the beginning.  My d's individual t and I took some time to get on the same page and for us to fully trust each other and help each other... .  it all worked out for everyone's benefit.  It was not about control, it was about trust, learning, and helping.

I hope and pray that something I wrote here helps you in your understanding of yourself, your daughter, and the program.



lbj

 

[Cici]

LBJ

Your words are coming at a very timely moment, I am having a conference call with the clinical director at 3:45 est.  I identify with everything you have said.  I am trying really really hard to embrace what you have said, I am printing it and posting it on my bathroom mirror.  As much as I question this decision your wisdom and experience brings me clarity and strength.  I'll try to update after the call today.

D11 and s15 are not attending family therapy, s15 really doesn't want to d11 and I may go.   I just started with my t so I need to explore my options with her regarding this.  sbtx doesn't seem to be on board with t.

[JKN77]

Hi CICI, I didn't read all of every post, just want you to know that I too went through the RTC with my son, although he was using drugs, in trouble with the law, a lot of behavior problems and increase violence. So, my son belonged there (not to say your daughter doesn't), but even knowing this it was reall hard on me. Your questioning it is normal. I questioned it for weeks, if not months. It did help my son, even thought we didn't know he had BPD at the time. He is better but not well.

I am not familiar with the one you put your daughter in. The one my son was in was really for kids with more than normal behavior problems.

Some of the things I found out later. During the first three to four months, he was not allowed to talk to virtually anyone.

They only gave them my letters on Sunday no matter how many I sent via email throughout the week.

He could only write to me on Sundays

It was a point system so the better they behavied the faster they moved through the program. If she doesn't have behavior problems? I gues she will move fast - if it is set up the same way the one my son was at... .  

As they earn the points they move up in levels, each level brings privilages like getting condiments with you food, getting to have second helpings, getting to talk to the upper level students, getting to go on outings, etc

Because my son has BPD, he has nothing nice to say about the place and thinks his life would have been just fine without it.

I was so upset when I first put him in there that the facility gave me numbers to some of the other parents so I could talk with them, it did help.

I sure hope this works for her. I can't imagine going through this and a divorse at the same time. I am soo sorry.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

CICI

Please keep us posted... .  I am thinking of you and your dd... .  lbj always has the right words and advise... .  

[lbjnltx]

I have traveled this path ahead of you all and remember the thoughts, feelings, mistakes and most importantly what worked.

[vivekananda]

Hi CICI,

Just to let you know I am thinking of you and your family. You have got some wise advice here.

Please take care of yourself,

Vivek  

[Cici]

I will post tomorrow about my phone call, it was positive and the clinical director advised me she would consider greater communication between d13 and myself. 

Thank you all for the love and support.

lbj-you rock, just sayin'

[lbjnltx]

Hi CICI,

Glad the call was positive and look forward to the update.

lbj

[jellibeans]

CICI

That is good news... .  waiting to hear about the call... .  hope you are well... .  

[Cici]

I spoke with the clinical director at Falcon Ridge, had a very honest communication with her, she updated me on d13's diagnosis, their pdoc and she don't diagnose d13 with BPD but with MDD with pyschotic features that are in remission-this one is new, GAD and parental child relationship issues, that one always kills me.  It's me she feels most triggered by, she states in all her med records that I yell at her.  I know I don't but I realize that is her perception anytime I say anything that is not in her favor she says I'm yelling.  sbtx is running to the bank with this and blaming me and basically stating I'm a bad parent and d13 and I don't get along and she should live with him.  Who knows, it may be better for her to live with him and I would be open to that, but it's not because I'm a bad parent.  I am looking forward to working with her in therapy on our relationship and learning how I can change to be better for her.   I hate that my words have hurt her and I know they have. I see my t today, I am looking forward to it.  I wish stbx didn't hate me so much right now.  The clinical director confused me a bit more with the PPC telling me that the girls are checked on items that are related to the structure of the program like "line structure has been called" "silence has been called med cabinet is open" and not behaviors.  Ok, this is exactly the opposite of what I thought PPC was, I am reading the book and it talks about the 12 behaviors that PPC is built around. Go figure.  Clinical Director asked me to explain my concerns and fears and I did stating I felt PPC can be verbally abusive, a green light to pick on someone you don't like all within the confines of the program.  But that I was trying to understand it, educate myself about it and that I would never do anything to work against d13 treatment.  Clinical Director agreed to consider allowing social calls as I didn't expect to have them restricted and that makes me uncomfortable.   I appreciated that.  We start family therapy calls on Wed.

:'(  God give me strength to accept this when I am not believing this is the right path... .  help me to see that this is the right path.  Am I just being stubborn?

[lbjnltx]

Hello CICI

I hope that the communication exchanges in individual t will help you and your d rebuild your relationship as well as give you a better sense of how your d is doing.

I can't say that I quite understand the references by the director regarding PPC.  I have sat through and even conducted PPC group and that information doesn't compute... .  unless she is refering to staff checks outside of group. 

When my d was first at Falcon her individual t did not see how my d was BPD either... .  with time, information and understanding she finally did and that is when we were able to make great strides in her treatment.  I am not telling you that the rtc is wrong, I just don't know that they are correct quite yet.  The pdoc only sees these girls for short periods of time once in a while (monthly if I recall).  I don't know who the pdoc is that is visiting there now.  I had no faith at all in the one that was there when my d was at Falcon and made no qualms about letting them know that.  I would not allow med changes per his recommendation until I did my own research and spoke w/her individual t.  At times the changes were not implemented because I would not give my permission.

Regarding stubborness... .  could it be possible that your anger towards your soon to be ex is interferring w/your thoughts/feelings about your d and her treatment?

How will your family participate in your d's treatment considering the divorce?  Will he participate in phone therapy with you?  How will family weekends be handled?  Have you given any thought to these things?

[JKN77]

Hi CICI,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I understand that constant nagging (actually sick feeling) wondering if you did the right thing by sending her there. I lived with it for a long time. It did end up being a good thing for my son in the long run, he finally understands the principal of actions and consequences. Now we are moving on to work with phycologists to help him learn tools (hope it helps). I also understand being the target for all her greivences, I am that too.

All we can do is make a decision and then go with it. We will probably never know if there could have been another one or not.

If you decided to let your daughter live with her husband, I would just let her know that the door is always open if it doesn't work out. Under your circumstances, I would probably let mine live with their dad.

My heart goes out to you... .  

[jellibeans]

Dear CICI

still working out the kinks at FRR... .  I hope in time there will be able to help her... .  some one said once that it took years for your child to get this way so it could take a while for change... .  I hope you get to talk with her soon... .  maybe that will help ease your mind. I am sure the distance is hard too.

Please don't feel bad about the "Parental issues"  I think this is really common... .  my dd and myself don't always get along but it is not because I am not trying and I am sure you are too. Don't even think about that right now... .  she is getting help and at the end of this journey hopefully she will have better insight into your relationship... .  I bet she misses you and she is probably scared not know what will become of her.

Don't despair ... .  have hope... .  give it time now... .  it is too early to tell... .  trust that they are doing what is right for your d... .  you will always be her mother whether she lives with you or not but I bet she ends back with you when all is said and done... .  don't give that a second thought... .  you are a good mama and she is missing that right now... .  

[jellibeans]

one more thing... .  my dd would tell me to stop yelling too when it was her that was doing the yelling... .  I think this is a kind of projecting... .  she often accused me of having no friends and being a lair too... .  unfortunately those descriptions all suited her too well... .  

[vivekananda]

Hi CICI,

Cheers, letting you know you have lots of friends here to help you through this. We are in the background often, reading and caring about you and yours. In the meantime, have you thought about lbj's questions?

Cheers,

Vivek    

[Cici]

LBJ you posed good questions regarding participating in family weekends and therapy.  I know her dad will participate in therapy calls and weekends, I'll have to pay my own travel expenses I'm sure.  That is going to be challenging but I'll do whatever I have to do.  He is not communicating to me about finances right now.  I am just taking it one day at a time and will make certain travel expenses are discussed and agreed upon in the divorce.     We have a therapy call on Wednesday I am looking forward to working on my relationship with dd.  DD and I had a really good week before she left for FRR.  I want to build on that.  SBTX won't care if she's in Utah or home once the divorce is final, he just wants to keep a promise he made to her to move out.  He and her have a good relationship, he says yes to everything.  They are close, little to no conflict there.  If it is thought that it would be best for dd to live with stbx I am completley open to that, whatever is best for her.  I do want her to come home to me first though and try to keep the kids together and I want a chance for our relationship to shine, I know we have come so far already and am confident will be closer at the end of this journey. 

jellibeans-you are so right, I need to give this more time.  I go through moments, usually when I'm reading these boards that I believe in the decision, then my worry, indecision and fear come into play and I struggle again.  I wish I wasn't being vilified in the process, I know I am not a bad parent nor do I believe I am bad for her.  Just the opposite, but sbtx is hanging on what is written in medical reports.  I just have to deal with it, I know the truth.  He gets to smell like a rose, irritating.  What's important is dd though and what's best for her. 

I don't know what I would do without these boards right now, I don't feel anyone else understands or cares what I am going through. 

jellibeans-I hope your dd and you get to visit today.

[jellibeans]

CICI

My dd didn't want to see me again today... .  I am a bit emotional about it... .  I told the nurse that if she wants to see me she will need to tell the nurse... .  I am not going to call her everyday and ask her permission... .  

Please keep us posted on your dd... .  I am thinking of you... .  how hard it must be to be going through a divorce at the same time... .  emotions must be high... .  don't worry about the future right now... .  you have plenty of time to figure out where she will live... .  just put that aside... .  it is taking up too much of your time and energy.

Don't worry about being the villian either... .  that is her illness talking... .  you are her mama and she needs you in her life... .  take care... .  

[vivekananda]

Don't worry about being the villian either... .  that is her illness talking... .  you are her mama and she needs you in her life... .  take care... .  

wise words here 

Viv

[Cici]

sbtx called the RTC yesterday after some prompting from me, I am trying to get him to engage in treatment and with the facility.  He refutes everything I say and rejects it, so I am hoping he can develop his own opinions based on conversations and involvement.  It's what will be best for dd too.  I am hoping he can open communication up with me again.  Finally received letters from d13-they were ran through the mail machine on 3/4 we received them 3/25... . ? ponies travelled faster from Utah, they were as expected all I hate it please come get me.  I wasn't alarmed by anything other than she was aware of the use of restraints and stated they almost restrained her.  Shes never been aggresssive outwardly or even a challenge to authority so I am curious to see what that means.  The clinical director has already stated to us d13 has lied to me about being called a btch in group, apparently it wasn't in group.  Again, another behavior that's not typical for d13, she doesn't out and out lie. She was placed on safety as she attempted to self harm with her finger nails (very typical, using that as an excuse I need to leave or else I'll... . )  Her original t has been out on due to illness for the past 3 weeks.  d13 is now in the clinical directors case load.  When sbtx spoke to clinical director he questioned when we could have social calls, I pointed out it's been 4 weeks and we are being advised that they may not happen for awhile, again, I COMPLETELY come unglued about this.  (NOT what we were told by admissions director at all) It's such a red flag to have the facility withholding direct communication.  but then I breathe deep and realize I do believe this is a good facility, I don't believe they are harming her.  I just think this is a very very poor policy.  If the calls become abusive towards me I can always end the calls, and again, she's never been abusive towards me so they are trying to protect me from something that doesn't happen.  Clinical Director agreed to consider this when i spoke to her last and she will discuss further with us on Wed. That's all for now.   My question to myself is, while "tough love" PPC may be a therapy model that works for girls that have mental illness, is it the only therapy route that would help her.  Not getting a lot of DBT here from what I can tell either, very disappointed in that.   Thanks again for the support.

[lbjnltx]

Hi CICI 

Good to see you back.

I find it interesting that you refer to PPC as "tough love".  I didn't experience it that way at all.  Having sat through several sessions at FRR it was with great care and concern that the girls hold each other accountable.  First they validate with "support", then they validate individually, followed by accountability.  Are your perceptions coming from your d's interpretation or your own understanding of the process?  It difficult to get the full gist of PPC until you have experienced it... . reading the book (very dry) really isn't enough.  PPC is used in many different settings including some public schools and juvenile detention centers because it is particularly effective for teens/young adults. 

The first time I sat through a meeting it was a family PPC session.  The families and their daughters sitting together.  A family was chosen to take the meeting and each family group came to a concensus of what they wanted to offer to the chosen family as validation, observation, solutions.  It was really good to see a) individual families discussing rationally together with a common goal b) how much awareness of issues and skills each daughter had learned c) the acceptance of ideas that were different from each family without being triggered d)patience and compassion from the teen girls e) how each girl was able to express in wisemind their thoughts/feelings/solutions.

Most of the DBT will come from her individual t.  The dbt skills terminology is sometimes referred to in more common terms.  ie:  self time=go to self, self soothe=visualize your happy place,etc... . judging feelings=negative self talk.  It might be a good idea to ask her individual t in the future what the equivalent terminology is for the specific dbt skills.  I hope her t is healing and will be back to the ranch to help your daughter and family very soon.



lbj

[Cici]

  Lbj,

You always make me think. The tough love expression comes from my interpretation of reading the book and also a psychologists view point of the type of therapy she felt d13 needed. (she stated a long term rtc using what she called tough love was good for d13).  I am also being influenced by d13 stating she feels bullied and then by the acknowledgement of the staff that on day 1 when she vomited they made her clean it up, no one spoke of how they comforted her, just how the incident happened and they handed her paper towel and asked her to clean it up.  That's where my perceptions are coming from.  Clinical Director is pretty forward and direct as well so that's my perception of the temperment of the program.

I look forward to learning more and understanding more about what her day to day life is like and how she is making progress.

[vivekananda]

don't forget CICI to take care of yourself in all this. This is important for you, so you can stay strong for your dd.

Vivek    

[Cici]

I had a reallly involved self exploring post I wrote after our conversation with d13 T (clinical director) on Wednesday. SBTX and I are still in disagreement with her placement.  Basically everyone is telling me I need to keep her there.  I am have questioned my own ego, am I just to proud to admit I'm wrong, my own fears etc... it would be so much easier to agree with him for the sake of our divorce but also for myself because I could stop this incessant feeling and uphill battle of not believing this is the best placement for her.  Am I resistant to this all because I can;t give up control? on and on and on it goes.  T asked bothe stbx and I if we could agree to keep d13 there for a period of time sbtx said yes, I said no.  Besides my uneasiness with the program, I also have no means of paying for 50% of treatment.  Currently it's being paid for out of his trust (very wealthy family) I was just advised I would be expected to sell our house to pay for treatment.  Other divorce garbage I won't bother with anyone here.  Finances aren't the only reason but I would be lying if I didn't admit it plays a part in this process.  I'm going to struggle in a huge way once this divorce is over.  T asked that we not communicate that we do not agree to d13, I agreed I wouldn't want to cause her further distress.  

Enough about me... D13.

I wrote d13 an email giving her a bunch of questions and things I wanted to discuss prior to the therapy call, it was involved and I am not surprised the T said she didn't give it to her it was just too much too soon.  I can understand that and respect they need to guide therapy and know where she is at far better than I do.  I was a bothered though about an incident d13 relayed to me about being taunted in group and called a name, t later told me she was lying.  Not typical for d13 to out and out lie.  So I wanted to discuss it with everyone present and I stated this in the email.  That to build trust I wanted to make sure I understood what had taken place.  T told me she didn't want it disscussed as the incident was in the past (this tuesday).  I would have liked to discuss it, nonetheless I honored t wishes and didn't bring it up or question it. We were told d13 was on suicide watch again per d13 request, t felt this was a manipulative move.  I believe this is the 3 time she has beenon suicide watch since she's been there.  T states the treatment team sees improvements with d13 but didn't share what those improvemente were.  We didn't discuss with t that she told me on tusday that social calls would not be indicated at this time, this was something stbx also wanted to have in place.  I'll have to remember to bring up again today.  Again, I have a problem with no direct communication with d13 and now being told what not to discuss with d13 conflicting information I'm being given about problems d13 is having.  It's a trust issue.  

D13 joined the meeting and gave us an overview of a typical day she sounded bright and upbeat.  She asked for pictures to scrapbook and a scrapbook which I am happy to send, I'm an avid scrapbooker too.  She then got teary as expected saying she hated it and wanted to go home.   At one point she even stated "what do you want me to die here?"  threatening to kill herself.   Those statements don't get me too upset or concerned as I think they are typical manipulations from her and almost to be expected.  I hate to hear her so upset but I expected that.  She was getting very upset and the conversation wasn't productive so the t suggested we end the call so that she can talk with d13.  

When asked about what we could work on within our relationship her dad and I both stated communication, to try to undersatnd and hear from her what she is feeling and thinking.  I expressed that I recognized I needed to learn how to listen to her and acknowledge what she says better.  Therapy with d13 I look forward to most, I have been wanting that since Summer.  She replied why you don't listen anyways.  Referring to my earlier conversation with her on tuesday that she hated it there and wanted to come home.  She of course has not idea I am in conflict with her dad over her placement.  She went on to say "you've made up your minds, your not listening to me".  I asked her to please try not to assume what others were thinking and to listen to what we were saying and to please also express to her dad what she had expressed to me on tuesday about being there.  I think it'simportant for him to hear from her the distressful part too, he only hears her upbeat and not crying.  I think he believes I'm over exaggerating.  

After the conference call I emailed t and stbx stating that I didn't know how much longer it would be right to let d13 to continue to think that I was in agreement and even driving this decision on treatment as it was creating resentment and anger towards me and for her and I to move forward in our relationship we would have to resolve this.  T asked for a conference call with stbx and I today.  sbtx told me he thinks I just need to change my mind and he doesn't see what talking with the t will resolve.  I don't think he can recognize how much research and internal reflection I have done to try to come to terms and to accept this placement.  He thinks it's all about money.  He doesn't even know yet that I got the school to pay for 1/3 of treatment.  He agreed to go to  a couples counselor with me tomorrow so we can work on some communication guidelines and skills.  I can't believe this is where we are together, until d13's last discharge from her last placement he was not so angry and mistrustful of me.  It's hard to feel so hated by him.

I know it's lengthy, I'm trying not to get this post to bogged down with divorce issues, some of that does affect everything else though.  I'll try to update today after conference call.   I tend to be so emotionally charged after these calls I like to give some distance to have clarity in my thinking and words before I post.  

[jellibeans]

CICI

I feel for you... . y stomach just tied in knots reading your post... . I do hope you find a resolution for dd sake and for you too. It must be so hard for her to be so far away... . is there a chance you could go visit her? Maybe that would help relieve your fears.

I am getting ready to run out the door... . taking my older daughter to the doc... . should have left last night but I didn't have the energy... . are you resting enough? I am exhaisted everyday and I am sure you are too... . the stress and worry... . please let us know how your call went... . I feel the divorce is adding to the problem and it would be good to try and separate that part if possible... .

I would also be careful of the manipulation... . my dd is a master at this... . I think it is a strong BPD trait... . maybe not maniputaion but thier illness has them looking at things a certain way... .

got to run... . sending love... .    

[jellibeans]

Just checking to see if you posted yet... . I hope things are good with you and your call went well... . just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you... .

[vivekananda]

Cici,

Just letting you know I am here with you. It is so hard to be trying to care for your dd and cope with the ex and the 'divorce' and all that it involves. You must feel really sad, deeply sad as well as so worried for your dd.

Re 'manipulation' - it is a very common trait within BPD. Well manipulation is how it feels to us, but for he person with BPD it is probably more a survival technique. It is typical for our children to 'divide and conquer' parents. It is a common cause for disagreement between parents of a BPD child.

Similarly, many of us become really hurt when we realise that our children will blatantly tell lies... . in fact they come to believe their lies and we are left bemused when those lies change into something different in the flick of an eyelid.

I understand that you believe that your dd is telling the truth, but based on my experience, I suspect it may be a slanted version of the truth. A version created to achieve a purpose that your dd feels she needs to achieve.

And then your d's T didn't want to revisit an earlier event/experience (re being taunted). This makes sense. It is important that the T focus on what can be achieved, rather than revisit what happened. When we revisit what happened, we are trying to establish and objective 'truth' and this often leads us to want to 'blame' someone or something. This can be non productive. It is important for the T and your dd to focus on what can be done ... . from now on... .

Go gently Cici, this is so hard for you,

Vivek    

[jellibeans]

CICI

I am sorry I have had so much going on in my world... .   I have not heard from you in a while... . please try and update us when you can... .  

[Cici]

I am so sorry I haven't updated here.  I have received messages from LBJ, JKN and jellibeans.  They mean a great deal to me that you are all reaching out.  I am simply very very depressed with the currently situation.  I have such respect for LBJ and all you have said, I know you had a great experience at FRR but I do not agree with the treatment at all.  I am being told my daughter is lying to us about incidents in PPC group, then when I wanted to discuss with her t and d13 on therapy call I was told to move past it and it wasn't going to be discussed.  I have serious trust issues.  I want to just go get her unannounced and bring her home to a therapy center that doesn't monitor and restrict our communication.    I have been reluctant to post because I am in such a negative place.  I have no financial means of going to get her, sbtx has restricted all access to cash and credit and I honestly dont' think that moving her in that way is right for her, our family, my long term relationship with her day or respectful to the program.  The program knows I don't want her there and even questioned if I would participate in family therapy calls.  Know I am afraid if I say something they don't like they won't allow me to participate in family therapy.  I have never been in such a living hell, I feel I am losing my own mind.  I can't believe that this is happening.  I dont disagree she needs treatment I just wished I hadn't been "misinformed" so much from FRR.  Thank you for your love and support.

[lbjnltx]

Hi Cici,

Thanks for coming back and I'm sorry you are not in a better place.  I think, and I've said it before, that having the support of the family is key to recovery for a pwBPD.  To be supportive of your d's recovery it is important to believe in the program.  If you don't believe in the program and support the work that the program is doing with your daughter how is recovery possible?  If I believed as you do that the program is not what my daughter needs I would pull her out too. I would also have to have in place a program/structure/therapist/support system to put her in when I moved her.

Maybe working on this is where your energy is best spent?  When you find alternatives you believe in perhaps it will be easier for you to be supportive of her treatment.  With a solid plan in place that makes sense for the whole family maybe your soon to be exhusband will be more open minded.

Let us know how we can help you explore options.



lbj

[Cici]

Thanks LBJ, I am researching treatment options and have contacted some programs here that I am planning on visiting.  Once I have treatment resources and options in place I plan to discuss with FRR and sbtx in hopes of coming to an appropriate transition plan.  Just had a call with t and d13, she sounded very upbeat which makes me grateful. 

[lbjnltx]

Wonderful that your d is sounding upbeat.

Here is a thread to give you some information to help in selecting therapy models for pwBPD:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=198723.0

Keep in mind that adolescent treatment models are adapted from adult treatment models.  Teen group is highly affective generally (not so much dbt group as the drop out rate is higher).

[JKN77]

Hi Cici, I am sorry to hear how things are going. Your post reminded me of my life not too long ago. There was about a two year period where things were so bad that I felt like I was this big, dark, toxic cloud. I pretty much shut myself off from everyone. I can relate to what you are going through.

I hope things turn around for you soon. I know the first 3 mo. of my son being in an RTC was really hard too. Again, I am really sorry. Wish I had some advice for you, but just know that I, we, are here for you.

[vivekananda]

sending you love Cici,

Vivek        

[jellibeans]

CICI

Thanks for the update... .   I know you have a lot on your mind... .   I have been thinking about you and hoping things were going better... .   please keep us updated and let us know if you find a new place closer to home... .   that might help especially if you can talk with your dd freely.

Please don't isolate yourself... .   sending love your way... .    

[Cici]

THANK YOU  jellibeans... .   I am trying no to isolate, there are times I simply feel I am not heard.  Actually, I feel that way most of the time.  So it's easier to stop talking.

[jellibeans]

I hear you... .   going through a lot of the same things right now... .   take care... .   I really hope things are going better for you  

[vivekananda]

Your situation is isolating. It is cruel and a struggle to stay grounded and on top of everything.

Please Cici, continue to speak to us. I try to hear, I want to share with you, I want you to feel supported by me/us here.

Vivek    

[Cici]

It's been a long time since I've posted, much has happened and news is good.  We went to Falcon Ridge for a family visit, D13 is doing very well and thanked me for putting her there.  I sobbed in relief and shared with her the fear I've lived with everyday uncertain if she was ok, if this was the right decision, if we had taken this step to early and somehow it would be deterimental to her at such a young age.  Her T. her Dad and I all agreed d13 could come home in June and continue therapy over the summer and transition into highschool at the beginning of the year with the rest of her class.  She is coming home for a visit on Tuesday, I am flying to Utah to escort her back east.  I am nervous and excited about the trip.  I want it to be successful for all of us, most importantly I don't want her to fall back into cutting.  We've discussed rules and parameters for the trip and we are going to focus on family and spending time together.  I am glad I didn't pull her out sooner, not that I didn't want to I did.  As every fiber of my being as her mother was telling me it was not right I was forced to listen to EVERYONE around me tell me that would be far worse for her in the short term and long term.  I still wish Falcon Ridge had explained how restrictive communication was going to be and hadn't "miscommunicated" about being accredited and that DBT was not a focus therapy model for them.  These pieces of information created an immediate distrust in me for the program and a difficult journey turned even more terrifying.  There were many moments I hung on LBNJ's experience and reminded myself this was not an abusive program and she was safe.  That was my fear all along.  Would I have put her there had I fully understood how restrictive the nature of the program was, no I wouldn't have.  I was trying to avoid that at the time.  I am glad she is there now, she is doing much better and will graduate.    I'll continue to post this week as she is home, I expect there to be bumps in the road.  I cannot say enough words of gratitude for the love and support I have found here.  I went silent because I was simply in so much pain I didn't know what to communicate and didn't believe, couldn't believe or didn't want to believe that what we were doing was the right treatment for d13.  Her current pdoc does not agree with the BPD diagnosis but even d13 talks about her struggle with black and white thinking, manipulations etc... .  at the end of the day the diagnosis on a piece of paper isn't as important as her recovery.  I know now I have the strength to go through this again if we ever need to and I won't rescue.  If anyone is reading this post is considering RTC for their child, my best advise is to understand FULLY the restrictive nature of the the program and level of communication and private communication you would have with your child.  This is where I misunderstood.  Falcon is a great program for those that need it.  I now must go pack my bags to meet my d13, can't wait to see her smiling face.

[lbjnltx]

Dear CiCi,

So very good to see you here and learn that your dd13 is benefitting from the program she is in. 

I hope and pray that she comes home with the tools and skills she needs to be well. Once they have those tools and skills you can help her be able to help herself.

So proud of you for winning the battle to not rescue her.  I know it was hard for you and you are stronger for it.

Keep us updated on how you are doing and your dd13 as well.



lbjnltx

[jellibeans]

Cici

So good to hear from you... .  I have thought of you often over the last few months. What a journey you have had. Your dd is coming home to vist and you must be so excited to see her. I know the distance has been hard and the lack of communication difficult. I am so happy for you all... .  

[Cici]

Thanks jellibeans, I've been reading your posts this a.m. to find out how your dd is doing.  If you decide on another RTC , Falcon is a great program.  I didn't feel that way in the beginning though.  I hope your dd is doing ok today.  I'll continue reading your posts to get up to speed on your journey.

[vivekananda]

I am relieved you are feeling more confidence in the rtc and that the outlook for your dd has improved.

Do stay with us here, your journey with BPD hasn't finished I reckon.

best wishes,

Vivek  

[Cici]

I'm in Utah, picking up d13 for a home visit, been up since 3am.  Thrilled to see her and have her come home, nervous too. I have a plan for the week, keep it family focused, not too many events, yet keep it planned and organized.  I'm so afraid she will cut.  Then I will feel as if we/have failed.  What would it say if after all this therapy she has done, I've done that simply coming home into her own loving environment would trigger her to cut?   I will be walking on eggshells, not For fear of angry outbursts, she doesn't have them. But for fear she will not find peace enough at home to not want to self harm.  I just want this visit to be spectacularly successful, I know it's unrealistic of me to want that.  I am expecting bumps and will manage those.  I just want them to be bumps and not cliffs.  In home therapist coming on Wednesday, so we have support.  I'll have today alone with her in Utah before we head back east tomorrow.  Looking forward to some down time one on one with her.  I'll be updating.

[jellibeans]

Cici

don't put too much pressure on yourself or dd... .  just enjoy being together. I will tell you when my dd came home recently from RTC she cried and cried for the first few days. All the emotions came bubbling to the surface so be prepared for that. She has been through a lot and just wants to share her experience with you. I am so happy for you. Go slow and don't overwhelm her with places to go etc... .  also don't try and buy her a lot of things either... .  just keep things calm and laid back. I hope all goes well... .  I am sure she missed you a great deal... .  

[vivekananda]

and don't forget validation is your best friend for this 

so happy for you Cici. 

Cheers,

Vivek

ps looking forward to your updates. Don't forget you can use us as a sounding board.

[Cici]

 

Quick update just got home from RTc in Utah for family visit, spent all day with d13 at hotel had a really good day and the evening at home has been smooth.  We are keeping it low key and sticking to the same routine she had at the RTC as much as possible. Tomorrow meeting with in home therapist and planning and cooking family dinner.  This is all good.

[qcarolr]

Such a good beginning. Praying for a good middle and return.   

qcr

[vivekananda]

Why don't you start a new post with the updates on how it goes with this new phase - a good middle and return... . ? A new start. 

cheers,

Vivek  

[Cici]

Good suggestion Vivek  I'll do that, I'll start a new thread.  It's appropriate now.  We are starting a new phase and I'm no longer questioning the decision... . now I'm invested in it.  I'll start one later tonight with an update.