Feeling down

[jj2121]

My short relationship lasted a few months and ended out of nowhere,when she seemed so in love with me a week before. I then stupidly allowed myself to be used for months after it. I eventually told her to delete my number and there has been no contact for over a month now,but I keep thinking I am over this,then horrible feelings keep come back. I don't why I am still mulling over a short relationship after this length of time,also I keep thinking I should apologize for slagging her off after it,but she was treating me like dirt. I don't even know if I loved this person,it's just that she treated me like I was so special for months. Think I have learned not to trust so quickly again though.

[HarmKrakow]

My short relationship lasted a few months and ended out of nowhere,when she seemed so in love with me a week before. I then stupidly allowed myself to be used for months after it. I eventually told her to delete my number and there has been no contact for over a month now,but I keep thinking I am over this,then horrible feelings keep come back. I don't why I am still mulling over a short relationship after this length of time,also I keep thinking I should apologize for slagging her off after it,but she was treating me like dirt. I don't even know if I loved this person,it's just that she treated me like I was so special for months. Think I have learned not to trust so quickly again though.

Your not alone in these thoughts brother. Ive been in bed wanting to sleep for the last hour but the thoughts you wrote here kept my mind from falling asleep.

[Newton]

hi jj2121   I read your intoroductory post on the new members board, it sounds like you have really been through an emotional wringer in this relationship, many of us arrive here confused, emotionally burned out and depressed... .  I certainly did!

The more you read here the more similarities you will see between your experience and others... .  

This is a very friendly place, if you are feeling down there will be someone online who knows what you've been through.

How are things right now for you?... .  

[mango_flower]

Yep - definite common theme with the confusion... .  

Some of us had longer term relationships (I was engaged to be married) and some were married, and others were just short term more casual relationships... .  but whatever, it obviously hurt you or you wouldn't be here!

It's the whole idea that you feel special, idolised, you start to feel safe and secure, like they won't leave... .  and then BAM, they're gone.  It shakes you to the core, makes you doubt yourself, and feel scared about trusting.  It shakes your foundations of what you believed, and just generally makes you feel used and discarded.  So it hits the self-esteem majorly too.  And it just sucks!

Can you tell us what is the thing you're hurt about the most?  Is it that you miss her?  Is it the confusion?  The anger?

[jj2121]

I feel better than I did, it is just at certain times of the day it will creep on me. It is strange and confusing because I do miss the person I was with,the next minute I will feel anger and then I begin to think it was me or what else I could have said to help her.

[jj2121]

I keep thinking I could have said something that would have helped if I knew what I knew now,but I suppose some people need to realise on their own that they need help. Their was some self awareness on her part, but she would deny it the next day.

[NeoReloaded]

The same thing happened to me jj2121, it was only a few months, but the things they say are so hard to forget even though it's such a short lived relationship! Things were too perfect for me and then I got a call almost 2 weeks ago now completely out of the blue and with no emotion or anything she said she was leaving for an ex who she was with for a year and a half who treated her like dirt and that was over a year and a half ago they split! From one phone call it was like the girl I met and knew was dead, there was no emotion, no regret, no sorrow... .  just like an empty husk of a human being! The only contact I've had since was last week when I sent a txt asking if she could drop some of my things off that she had, she replied 2 days later saying she was busy so i'd have to wait and told me to stop making snidey comments just because I asked if her ex had changed or was he still a weed smoking bum.

[jj2121]

The same thing happened to me jj2121, it was only a few months, but the things they say are so hard to forget even though it's such a short lived relationship! Things were too perfect for me and then I got a call almost 2 weeks ago now completely out of the blue and with no emotion or anything she said she was leaving for an ex who she was with for a year and a half who treated her like dirt and that was over a year and a half ago they split! From one phone call it was like the girl I met and knew was dead, there was no emotion, no regret, no sorrow... .  just like an empty husk of a human being! The only contact I've had since was last week when I sent a txt asking if she could drop some of my things off that she had, she replied 2 days later saying she was busy so i'd have to wait and told me to stop making snidey comments just because I asked if her ex had changed or was he still a weed smoking bum.

My ex has a young kid with her ex and she seems to really hate for some reason and I hope she is not saying the same stuff about me to other people. She was actually texting me after breaking up with me,saying when will he realise I want someone else? and I am saying to her why are you telling me this? then it changes back to I can't be with any guy in  a relationship at the moment.so ridiculous I would laugh about it, if it did not hurt me so much.

[Newton]

It's great to hear you are doing better today  

Yep I know what you are saying... .  it kinda creeps up on you like a wave... .  the anger makes it a little easier, temporarily... .  it's a process to work through this grief.

When I found the tools and lessons here I thought "aha!... .  the fix!"    Actually setting strong boundaries helped me but triggered my ex even more... .  and because validating brought us closer together... .  she sabotaged even more... .  that is the paradox of BPD... .  

I felt like I was fighting forest fires... .  as soon as one was out, a small gust of wind and another would spring up from nowhere... .  not a great way to live!... .  

I appreciate the glimmer of hope that "self awareness" may have offered, but with pwBPD, feelings=facts.  So as feelings change... .  in order to maintain their denial... .  so do the facts... .  

When things get really bad for you its important to have a strategy to cope... .  post here, exercise... .  I know we bang on about this but it gets you through the dark times... .  

What do you like doing... .  for yourself, that you really enjoy?... .  

[jj2121]

I noticed the no emotion situation too. I went to see my ex  after breaking up, when she told me a couple of days before through a text that it was breaking her heart and she did not want to cry anymore.Then when I go to her house she is joking about the situation and laughing  and flirting. I said to her you really don't seem bothered about this do you? and then she said me and you are going to fall out if you don't think this hurting me. All lies and rubbish really.

[HarmKrakow]

I noticed the no emotion situation too. I went to see my ex  after breaking up, when she told me a couple of days before through a text that it was breaking her heart and she did not want to cry anymore.Then when I go to her house she is joking about the situation and laughing  and flirting. I said to her you really don't seem bothered about this do you? and then she said me and you are going to fall out if you don't think this hurting me. All lies and rubbish really.

Haha, this is soo familiar  Painful though   but still ...

[NeoReloaded]

I noticed the no emotion situation too. I went to see my ex  after breaking up, when she told me a couple of days before through a text that it was breaking her heart and she did not want to cry anymore.Then when I go to her house she is joking about the situation and laughing  and flirting. I said to her you really don't seem bothered about this do you? and then she said me and you are going to fall out if you don't think this hurting me. All lies and rubbish really.

When I got the phone call she was watching a movie and laughing... .  it was like "really?" you've just dumped me out of the blue like it's nothing and you're not bothered and you're laughing at a bloody unicorn in a film? What the heck! When I asked how she could tell me she loved me and what do her friends and family think of her talking so highly of me to dump me for an abusive ex I got: "you know I'm not normal I told you at the beggining I have depression and BPD. I can't control my emotions and my tablets help me numb my feelings I just want to be happy and I don't care what people think and people who know me know what I'm like anyway"! Think that response just made it worse :/

[Newton]

Neo ... .  I found the splitting the hardest thing to deal with... .  we are in immense pain, they are putting on a great show... .  but thats all it is... .  a show.  Don't believe the hype... .  


There is a great line that often gets banded around here... .  

"When someone shows you what they are truly like... .  believe them"... .  

[mango_flower]

I keep thinking I could have said something that would have helped if I knew what I knew now,but I suppose some people need to realise on their own that they need help. Their was some self awareness on her part, but she would deny it the next day.

I totally hear you on that one... .  I kept thinking "If I'd only known, I would have done X, Y and Z differently... .  " but at the same time, we're not super human.  And if you'd walked on egg shells, trying to validate her on everything, how would she ever get better?  I'm learning that you can't fix people, you can only fight alongside them. But she has to show an awareness and want to get better too.  Otherwise it's a losing battle. x

[jj2121]

I totally hear you on that one... .  I kept thinking "If I'd only known, I would have done X, Y and Z differently... .  " but at the same time, we're not super human.  And if you'd walked on egg shells, trying to validate her on everything, how would she ever get better?  I'm learning that you can't fix people, you can only fight alongside them. But she has to show an awareness and want to get better too.  Otherwise it's a losing battle. x[/quote]
I was at her house a month after breaking up and I did try she said I am ready for questions. I asked what the problem was and all got was I did not like only being able to see you night. More nonsense,as I explained people do work during the day and you will be in the same situation with any guy. It was then something about the temptation being too much and I need to let go. I just said forget in the end I will never understand you.

[jj2121]

I actually think I am crazy now, because of the long text messages I was sending about getting back together when she kept contacting me after the breakup. I did stop though and she kept coming back playing the victim. Realised it was like talking to a child at times.

[jj2121]

I hate this, it is really starting to get to me again today and I keep over analyzing everything. I do have quite low self esteem and I don't know why, I have been with good looking girls and a lot of people say I am attractive, but I have never really had a proper relationship and this just destroyed my confidence even more. I feel now that I was just hoping this relationship would work because she was a good looking girl who idolized me for a while, although I actually cringe thinking about her character and person,I am still drawn to her for some reason. I don't know why I have low self esteem either as my parents were always great and I had a great childhood,also my brother is pretty confident.

[Newton]

hey jj, the loss of a physically attractive partner can really bruise our egos... .  especially if they were a little fragile to begin with.  Try not to beat yourself up too much about the long txts to her... .  bargaining and even pleading are very common in rs breakups as a way to distract from/avoid the feelings of loss (I have this t-shirt!).

I let soo much slide because my ex's were drop dead gorgeous... .  it was quite a wake up call when my T asked me to recall what I actually liked about their personalities... .  I was a little stumped for answers to say the least 

Low self esteem can arise from a myriad of places, not just your FOO, and it doesn't matter how much external validation you receive from being with physically beautiful partners or people telling you that you are attractive.  If YOU don't believe it then thats the way things will seem to you... .  

Have you discussed these self esteem issues with a therapist?... .  

[HarmKrakow]

I hate this, it is really starting to get to me again today and I keep over analyzing everything. I do have quite low self esteem and I don't know why, I have been with good looking girls and a lot of people say I am attractive, but I have never really had a proper relationship and this just destroyed my confidence even more. I feel now that I was just hoping this relationship would work because she was a good looking girl who idolized me for a while, although I actually cringe thinking about her character and person,I am still drawn to her for some reason. I don't know why I have low self esteem either as my parents were always great and I had a great childhood,also my brother is pretty confident.

Im pretty sure the low self esteem also comes from the fact that you were not expecting this to end, and the fact that it does, while she is also disordered screws our ego's. If we can't land this, what CAN we land as a r/s?

[Newton]

harmkrakow... .  I fell into the trap of thinking the same... .  but if you re-work your question to a statement ie/... .  

"I wasn't able to sustain a relationship with a person who is incapable of having one, due to the nature of their disorder"... .  

... .  that skewed thinking dissipates quite quickly.

[jj2121]

Low self esteem can arise from a myriad of places, not just your FOO, and it doesn't matter how much external validation you receive from being with physically beautiful partners or people telling you that you are attractive.  If YOU don't believe it then thats the way things will seem to you... .  

Have you discussed these self esteem issues with a therapist?... .  [/quote]
Not yet, but I am booking an appointment with the doctor as I have been struggling with depression on and off,this just made things worse, I wish it never happened. I also keep thinking she might settle down with the next guy.

[jj2121]

I am going to book an appointment to see a therapist this week. I keep thinking about my ex everyday and I don't even want her back and know it would never work. I am still hooked on the girl who idealized me and was madly in love with me, I can't even think about being with anybody else. I feel I should be moving and there are people who have been much longer relationships than mine which only lasted a few months,but it is just so hard after you think you are really getting to know someone and they love you one day then suddenly don't and they change into someone else. It all seemed to surface when she had a family crisis, what made it worse was her contacting me after 2 months saying she still loves but can't be with me, then she had another guy over and 2 days later it changes to I thought I loved you. I have been no contact for 6 weeks now and keep thinking I should be in contact, I have deleted her number though,as it was for the best.

[just_think]

Some good posts in here.  Low self-esteem is something I'm dealing with recovering from as well.

Something to keep in mind is that a normal relationship doesn't happen like this.  There isn't this intense idealization and then devaluing.  It is a coping strategy/ defense mechanism they've developed and as unhealthy as it is, it works for them (until the walls come tumbling down that is).   Many relationships go through the honeymoon phase.  It's what happens after that which makes a real relationship.  This one wasn't the one that got away but the one that you are going to learn from so you can get in that relationship you deserve.

[jj2121]

I am finally starting to get over this, can't believe it took me months to start feeling better after such a shirt relationship. I am beginning to think how ridiculous the whole thing was. I have an appointment with a therapist next week , as I have now realised why I attracted this situation.

[Newton]

Hey jj  ... .  learning about their behaviour and dysfunctional thinking patterns is important... .  so is understanding OUR part in the relationship... .  appreciating why WE chose to engage in that dynamic is the key to our recovery and self discovery 

I'm really pleased you are taking this path 

[MakeItHappen]

It's the whole idea that you feel special, idolised, you start to feel safe and secure, like they won't leave... .  and then BAM, they're gone.  It shakes you to the core, makes you doubt yourself, and feel scared about trusting.  It shakes your foundations of what you believed, and just generally makes you feel used and discarded.  So it hits the self-esteem majorly too.  And it just sucks!

That about sums it up.

[MakeItHappen]

I noticed the no emotion situation too. I went to see my ex  after breaking up, when she told me a couple of days before through a text that it was breaking her heart and she did not want to cry anymore.Then when I go to her house she is joking about the situation and laughing  and flirting. I said to her you really don't seem bothered about this do you? and then she said me and you are going to fall out if you don't think this hurting me. All lies and rubbish really.

No emotion made me much more confused.

Our last time together, (me and my exBPD (w/NPD traits)) I was crying a ton and my body language was that of defeat and/or a wounded child. She just sat there, emotionless and said things like, "look at you, you're so angry... .  " This of course, added to confusion, the tears and the What the heck?

As I said, I was crying and ridiculously sad and that was her response... .  NOT OK! So, I feel your pain and I'm sorry.

[MakeItHappen]

Something to keep in mind is that a normal relationship doesn't happen like this.  There isn't this intense idealization and then devaluing.  It is a coping strategy/ defense mechanism they've developed and as unhealthy as it is, it works for them (until the walls come tumbling down that is).   Many relationships go through the honeymoon phase.  It's what happens after that which makes a real relationship.  This one wasn't the one that got away but the one that you are going to learn from so you can get in that relationship you deserve.

THANKS for this! Every time I get a bit depressed about it all, posts like this, perk me up a bit. The relationship was FAR from "normal." The hard part is, the introspection on why I/we get hooked into these "non normal" people and patterns.