What stage am I in?

[expos]

Sorry last post for today... .  here's my timeline.   I trying to figure out where I stand in terms of the grieving.

March 2012 -  Huge fight, asked a for a divorce after 3 years of marriage.  Sad after the first two days.  No instant grieving, instant relief.

September 2012 - I finally move out of the house, we finally sold it and we were both living in it.  We both cry and hug each other as I walk out of the house for the last time.

November 2012 - In court, divorce becomes official.  Sad for two days.  No crying.  Felt fine.  NO CONTACT until February to work out some financial stuff.

March 2013 - Need to meet my ex-wife to file taxes together.  Two days before, I start getting very nervous.  Talk to wife afterwards trying to find some closure and tell her I'm starting to struggle a little bit, wife is cruel and mean to me in our brief 10 minute discussion.  Says she never wants to talk to me again and she's "seeing someone".  Spend the next 10 days depressed, sometimes convulsively crying, idealizing my wife and then hating her the next day.

See doesn't not know the extent of my hurt.  I have not emailed her anything emotional, texted, or called her.  I had to email her once (literally a sentence) to follow up on another document that needed attention... .  she did not respond.   I've been really good at hiding my pain from her.

For those who have been through this... .  what stage am I in and what can I expect from here on out?

Thanks.  

[cal644]

I would say for me that's the every 3-5 day stage () - thought I'd share a little humor ... .  or it mught be the What the heck stage.  I'm still struggling through this week by week ... .  used to be hour by hour.  The good news is now your done - you can move on with your life.  Let her ruin hers.

[expos]

Thanks... .  do you think her rebound is a little quick for being legally separated since November?  

I have been on one date and a follow up lunch (no sex, kissing, nothing), but I can't even think about having a relationship right now... .  .

[cal644]

- the sad part is we are exactly the same - divorce process started in November - still going on.  I know she has her moments - then a day or two latter she has her "other" moments.  I'm starting to look forward to my future - but I still have moments of thinking how did she throw everything most woman would die for away because of a texting friend.   

[Clearmind]

expos - this a perfect case of where feverishly guarding no contact comes back to bite us.

When we are NC - we work on the thought of "if I don't see them, I will move forward and just forget about them" - unfortunately no this doesn't work - what it does is avoid for a period of time the grief you had stuffed down.

You need to allow yourself to grieve. Have you explored how you got yourself into a r/s with a Borderline to begin with?

[expos]

expos - this a perfect case of where feverishly guarding no contact comes back to bite us.

When we are NC - we work on the thought of "if I don't see them, I will move forward and just forget about them" - unfortunately no this doesn't work - what it does is avoid for a period of time the grief you had stuffed down.

You need to allow yourself to grieve. Have you explored how you got yourself into a r/s with a Borderline to begin with?

Thanks for the reply - I'm in my 30's.  :)ated a girl from ages 20-24 very seriously and we split.  Was not heart broken... .  was young.  Went single and happy for nearly 5 years without a single date, completely my choice.  Out of nowhere, this BPD starts following me around and throws herself at me over and over again.  I kept her at a distance, even dumping her twice.  The first time I dumped her I wasn't finding the connection.  We spend two weeks apart and we get back together again.  But in two weeks we were apart a find out she had made out with some guy at a bar and I dump her again.  She cries for a week straight, pleading with me to take her back.  This should have been my warning... .  but like most BPD's they are so convincing and beautiful.  I eventually take her back.

We get married two years later, 2009.  Marriage crumbles literally three months into it.  No sex, BPD in full force, constantly picking fights with me over nothing.  We go to marriage counseling.  So confused.  BPD in hiding the whole time we were dating, apparently.  Then the timeline above, Divorce in 2012.

I will say that when I asked to separate, my ex-wife apparently bawled her eyes out for a week straight at her parents house.  Came back a week later and still looked like a wreck.  :)idn't get her bearings until about afterwards and never asked to reconcile.  She grieved immediately - I apparently didn't.  

No matter the situation, I never treated her poorly throughout the whole process of divorce.  I was very nice and cordial to her.  All of sudden she turns into this animal in the past month.  

 

[Clearmind]

Thanks for the reply - I'm in my 30's.  :)ated a girl from ages 20-24 very seriously and we split.  Was not heart broken... .  was young.  Went single and happy for nearly 5 years without a single date, completely my choice.  Out of nowhere, this BPD starts following me around and throws herself at me over and over again.  I kept her at a distance, even dumping her twice.  The first time I dumped her I wasn't finding the connection.  We spend two weeks apart and we get back together again.  But in two weeks we were apart a find out she had made out with some guy at a bar and I dump her again.  She cries for a week straight, pleading with me to take her back.  This should have been my warning... .  but like most BPD's they are so convincing and beautiful.  I eventually take her back.

She chased you, she showed you who she was, you ignored those red flags and no my friend, BPDs don’t “suck” you back in – we choose it.

We get married two years later, 2009.  Marriage crumbles literally three months into it.  No sex, BPD in full force, constantly picking fights with me over nothing.  We go to marriage counseling.  So confused.  BPD in hiding the whole time we were dating, apparently.  Then the timeline above, Divorce in 2012.

When we look for a potential life mate, we now know that we look at the actions – people show us who they are – we ignore it.

Given the history expos, and like many of us, we really shouldn’t be surprised – right? We think over the history of our relationships – beginning to end – we pick over every aspect of what they did and didn’t do – the end was inevitable. We cannot change them or their perception.

hit

Not everyone attaches to a Borderline – in time we begin to make some links to events that happened well before our ex’s came along – this is the reason YOU chose her! She came into your life to teach you, about you!   Give yourself some time.