I want to break my NC

[confusedandscared]

I am having a hard time tonight, actually the past few days and week, I want to reach out to her, tell her I love her, want to be with her and will do whatever it takes to make things work.

There is a part of me that KNOWS that that would not be the best thing for me after everything she has done to me, and yes like everyone else we do shoulder some of the blame for a r/s demise, according to her I was 100% to blame for it all as what is considered the 'norm'.

I guess I am struggling with the NC, really struggling. I miss her deeply, I would give anything to hear her voice again and just be with her. For all I know she has me replaced with someone, Lord knows I don't even have the courage to seriously put myself out there because I am simply not remotely over her in any way shape or form.

I am trying to remain strong and its a struggle, it has been a struggle for the last while, I am at a loss tonight, and no doubt I am welcoming another sleepless night thinking about her and what we had.

She always said to me that every action had a consequence, and for me that rings true for her too, and I am struggling with the NC because the consequence to her actions is me actually not letting her in again.

It's just so damn hard.

[mtmc01]

I'm in the same position. We just have to stay strong. Contacting them is only going to empower them and most likely cause them to either ignore us or say something hurtful. No good will come from it, and it will only take you back to square one. We have no choice but to live our lives under the assumption that the person we knew is dead and gone, grieve them, and move on. No real other option... .  

[Hurt llama]

So you mean it's not just me?

I never experienced any pain even close years ago and I kept on pursuing her and even after it ended several times... she and i stayed in touch constantly and we have always come together like long lost soulmates, feeling complete ... .  like a drug... and yet I have rejected her each time and then still wanted her...

It's truly maddening and it's like I want to 'kill' (not really) and bury her, dig her up and kill her again... .  and keep doing this over, over and over...

I will and we all will beat this thing and I am hoping that sharing here can help me and we can all help eachother

[expos]

One of the best things I've done to help get over my-BPD ex-wife was write her a letter... .  and actually mail it to her without my return address on it.  An email always had the possibility of being deleted immediately... .  texts can be blocked and are too impersonal.  A face-to-face conversation with a BPD wouldn't yield the best results because you'd be subjected to their lousy attitudes and a victim to their constant rebuttals of valid points. 

The letter will need to be opened and it will sit in her hands.  It is a physical thing that she cannot ignore.

The way I see it, I am getting the final say... .  they way it should be when somebody has been abused.

My letter to her was not complementary, nor did I beg for forgiveness, nor did I insult her.  Don't criticize them, as hard as it is.  Mine was a goodbye letter to her that simply laid out the dynamics of our relationship and told her exactly what it meant for me to love her.  It was beautifully crafted and constructed specifically to make her cry and realize my unrequited love to her.   

This is a win-win situation for me for many reasons.

1.  She doesn't respond to the letter, confirming that she indeed a coward and not worthy of my love (or anyone else's) because she is refusing to acknowledge love in itself.  I therefore, get the LAST WORD.

2. She responds, proves me wrong, and wants to close this relationship out right way with a serious discussion.  This is how how healthy, non-emotionally stunted individuals handle such things and I'd feel really good about.

I took the higher road, because I am better person than she is.  I proved it with my letter.   

Write that final letter, and close the book on your exBPD.