Tonight has been rough...

[fakename]

I had such a long streak of good days. But today was rough pretty much all day.

So it led me back to stalking and that didn't help.

It looks like she's trying to make a more honest attempt at her motivational book and using it to learn more about herself. And she acknowledges that she repeats the same patterns of behavior even after she thinks she's changed.

And I guess that hit me hard. I don't know if she's with someone but I presume she is cause she can't go long at all without having someone.

But I just feel like she is so focused on improving and it could be she's one of the rare ones that does improve and then I kinda wish I was with her again.

I do t know. Today all day, even before I stalked, I wish I was with her again. It came out of nowhere and I hope tomorrow's better cause I may have to fight hard against contacting her.

But the proof is in the pudding. If she is focused on improving, she's not contacting me for a reason. Cause I wasn't as special as she made me out to be.

And I understand she have me nothing any more special or different than she gives others. Nothing was real. But I guess tonight I have in my mind the what ifs. And one of those is hat if e really did love me and why doesn't she show that if I really was the one for her.

Blah.

[Hurt llama]

I had a similar day... .   I know the pain... .   and good for you for doing a better job than me.

Mine is available even after i ended it... .   and I know I have a tiger by the tail and am a sitting duck... . and no one to blame at all but myself.

I gave her the greenlight and set her free and I am trying to go on a date tomorrow night... .   (first date... .   I should cancel)

If I am dating... . why shouldnt she? If I can't text while I am dating... . why should she be able to?

IN other words, I am a complete hypocrite and the idea of her dating or hurting me intentionally by letting me know is she was intimate with someone makes me seriously ill.

Yet... .   here I am... .

I know I will survive... . I know it's actually getting better (hard to believe) and I know I wish I had more strength to cut it loose.

The worst part is I feel I can be destroyed so easily... . This is taking up my life... .  

As far as your situation... . I can't really speak to it but in my relationship, I know... . i throughly know, we have been as close as two people can be (in some ways ) and did and do love each other completely... .   Unfortunately her love is childish and well... .   yeah... . mine is too. so there goes that theory!

I suspect much of what we experience with BPD IS true and real... . but obviously often fatally flawed.

Hang in there and show me the way!

[fakename]

Thanks for writing llama.

Now I guess I can try to fall asleep. Just had to tell someone I guess.

Right now I'm fighting against emailing her. But I can't cause I don't want to get rejected if she is with someone and besides I broke up with her cause she lied and went on a date with someone. I was wronged. I don't understand why I am geared to take blame or responsibility and am weak enough to disregard her wrongdoings. It's pathetic.

I really hope tomorrow I don't email her. Especially cause I know that opens the door from possibly hearing from her months of own the road after any breakups she may have.

I think about how all this is just relentless. Never gone through something like this before. And I think of the girls I passed up on because of it all. From first meeting her to my condition after real ups to even trying to move on.

Tonight I wish I was still with her and I guess that's natural. But I don't think it's natural that its keeping me awake and I don't think it's natural To long for someone who would treat me coldly if I did reach out to her. I never did that to her. Selfish.

[LetItBe]

I know what you mean.  It takes awhile for the heart to catch up the mind sometimes, doesn't it?

Today was tough for me, too.  I felt more sadness today than I have in awhile and found myself struggling once again to accept that he is the way he is.  It's SO easy to slip into fantasies of how he might be able to change since he does work on himself in T and is more self-aware than a lot of pwBPD.  The good stuff between us was soo good.  I'm glad I have a couple of the last emails he sent to remind me of how cold and detached he can be.  That puts me back into reality but also makes me sad.

Fakename, have you considered writing her an email or letter and not sending it?  

[Surnia]

So sorry to hear about your bad day, fake name! 

Did something happen in your life which makes you more available for stalking? Like stress, holidays ... .  

And second thing: Is there anything you can do to have the good days back? Something that makes you feeling good?

[Hurt llama]

Thanks for writing llama.

Now I guess I can try to fall asleep. Just had to tell someone I guess.

Right now I'm fighting against emailing her. But I can't cause I don't want to get rejected if she is with someone and besides I broke up with her cause she lied and went on a date with someone. I was wronged. I don't understand why I am geared to take blame or responsibility and am weak enough to disregard her wrongdoings. It's pathetic.

I really hope tomorrow I don't email her. Especially cause I know that opens the door from possibly hearing from her months of own the road after any breakups she may have.

I think about how all this is just relentless. Never gone through something like this before. And I think of the girls I passed up on because of it all. From first meeting her to my condition after real ups to even trying to move on.

Tonight I wish I was still with her and I guess that's natural. But I don't think it's natural that its keeping me awake and I don't think it's natural To long for someone who would treat me coldly if I did reach out to her. I never did that to her. Selfish.

I forgot or didn't remember you had ended it with her... .   so our situations are similar... . and i have ended it with her more times that I can count... .

I don't want to think of the time wasted... .   years wasted,,opportunities wasted... .   and wasting the present day to an extent,

I try to see it as a process and at the same time am trying not to be too soft on myself and rationalize ridiculous behavior... .

We can't go back in time and I can see you (and me) are moving forward,,

As far as the conventional wisdom of writing a letter and NOT sending it... .   ... .   that's dangerous for me... .   I usually sent it anyway... .

[defusion5]

I know what you mean.  It takes awhile for the heart to catch up the mind sometimes, doesn't it?

It's SO easy to slip into fantasies of how he might be able to change since he does work on himself in T and is more self-aware than a lot of pwBPD.  The good stuff between us was soo good.  

Hi NonGF

It sure does... .     you are so right when you say about slipping into fantasies about how he/she might be able to change, work on themselves... . You think they're getting it and saying the right things, then BAM, their clarity is gone again... .  

[fakename]

thanks for the support guys... .   

@nongf,

haha, well, i thought about writing her an email and sending it to her... .   but honestly, there's really nothing more left for me to say. we broke up so many times, and i expressed myself calmly many times... .   dont really see any point to even trying to talk to her especially knowing that she doesnt either comprehend or care about anything i say if it doesnt fulfill her needs, so i guess its hard for me to even write a letter and not send it... .   

and yeah i guess i slipped into the fantasy today too... .   its the whole hope thing... .   hope kills me i guess... .   and i was remembering some of her little mannerisms that i fell in love with, like how she'd get these little bursts of excitement like a little kid that just always brought a smile to my face and warmth... .   

i think i need to remember that she doesnt deserve to be given the benefit of the doubt. she may tell other shes improving or put on a facade, but in reality, she's still doing the same things... .   im pretty confident in that... .   and that bothers me too... .   

@surnia,

i guess i had a little extra free time today... .   no extra stress or anything like that... . and im keeping with my good habits to keep the good days coming, had a great workout today, and usually that picks me right back up, but instead i was just thinking how even still my physique wouldnt be good enough for her... .   i went from appreciating my body, to not appreciating it.

llama, its funny that i spend most my time thinking how im happy she and all the baggage and how my life and desires are interrupted are no longer how i'm living, but today, for whatever reason was just rough... .   maybe its me comparing myself to whomever shes sleeping with, maybe its me missing being around her or maybe missing her body. i dont know. i guess missing the sweet little girl i thought she was, to thinking shes now ungrateful and it bothers me how she fits me into her category of "one bad relationship to the next"... .   that really bothers me

hahaha, yeah i'm the same as you... . i end up sending the letter anyway preceded by "eh, F*** it, i'll send it if i want"

[Forever]

Hey. I just want you guys to realize it does get better. I am 15 months out of a relationship with an exgfwBPD , and I was bad for 6 months after, even though I was the one who broke up with her, for like the 20th time, I went thru a stalking phase, I went thru non sleep nights blaming myself for her actions. Even though my brain knew I made the right choice, I just missed her, even though she was ruining my life, I lived with that tension for so long, I felt so empty without it, I imagine it is how smokers feel when they quit, you know it's an unhealthy habit but your body just feels better having it. So anyway, I got a call from my ex last month, and she made some excuse about something she forgot at my house, but she really wanted to see if I was interested still, she had been in 3 relationships since me, and she said she was changed , blah blah blah. I actually played along a little saying I was free and she then kept e mailing me about meeting up, she even said she told her family we might give it another try. I finally told her I met someone else and that I think she needs help for her issues, she has no real friends, she meets people and they are her best friend then a month later she can't stand them, I used to call them friends of the month club. She can't go 2 weeks without being in a relationship. Dosent talk to 90 percent of her family.

You need to fight all urges to get back or contact her, I promise there is a path to your happiness . Her life is going to include a lot of misery and drama.

[Hurt llama]

Hey. I just want you guys to realize it does get better. I am 15 months out of a relationship with an exgfwBPD , and I was bad for 6 months after, even though I was the one who broke up with her, for like the 20th time, I went thru a stalking phase, I went thru non sleep nights blaming myself for her actions. Even though my brain knew I made the right choice, I just missed her, even though she was ruining my life, I lived with that tension for so long, I felt so empty without it, I imagine it is how smokers feel when they quit, you know it's an unhealthy habit but your body just feels better having it. So anyway, I got a call from my ex last month, and she made some excuse about something she forgot at my house, but she really wanted to see if I was interested still, she had been in 3 relationships since me, and she said she was changed , blah blah blah. I actually played along a little saying I was free and she then kept e mailing me about meeting up, she even said she told her family we might give it another try. I finally told her I met someone else and that I think she needs help for her issues, she has no real friends, she meets people and they are her best friend then a month later she can't stand them, I used to call them friends of the month club. She can't go 2 weeks without being in a relationship. Dosent talk to 90 percent of her family.

You need to fight all urges to get back or contact her, I promise there is a path to your happiness . Her life is going to include a lot of misery and drama.

Thanks for sharing that... .   it's so hard to get why if some of us are choosing to break up with them, do we still want them back... . and like you, I can't even count the amount of times I never wanted to hear from her again and then texted or called an hour later... .

and that's a big part of the problem as I also drove her crazy with constant push pull... .   I truly think she has a healthier ability to do NC if she had to... . but what she would do to cope, I rather not think about.

[Surnia]

fakename

but instead i was just thinking how even still my physique wouldnt be good enough for her... .   i went from appreciating my body, to not appreciating it.

I can relate with it, I do this often. Its like looking at me from outside and a very critical view. It can be very self destructive and chronic.

I am doing self talk now in these situations, like: OK, Surnia, this was very critical and non supportive. Lets take a second look... .   what do you like, what is good, what did you well... .   this is helping me to stop the nasty critical voice.

[wanttoknowmore]

Hi folks,

Was it full moon or some special planetary alignment that so many of us "relapsed" yesterday and had intense feelings to contact pwBPD?

I was doing so well with my NC for last 15 days and then,suddenly,yesterday

I had thought of her and I opened the picture CD of our trip overseas... .   a strong surge of memories resurfaced but luckily,I was able to control myself and didnot text or call.

I am feeling that slowly but surely I am detaching. The last thing keeping me stuck is desire to know if she is happy or not? On my last contact 7 weeks ago, she was badly dissociating and I can not get that scene out of my mind.

The only contact I have is to be able to peek into her FB through the account

she made for me and linked me as friend 2 years ago. She has not blocked or cancelled it. The activity on her FB is minimal which is unusual and makes me wonder if she is still very sick? I still can not stop seeing her FB once or twice a week to know what is going on with her. Strange ... . that she is still keeping pictures of my gifts on her cover page and pictures of her wearing the dresses I gifted her. No evidence of anyone else in her life. It helps to know that so many of us have these occasional "relapse days"  

[fakename]

thanks all for writing... .   really dont know where i'd be if it weren't for this board and all of you.

so before i address the latest posts, just like to gladly say i'm doing better today. waking up and the morning was still rough (though not as rough as last night), but i went on with my day and what i had to do.  just came back from a nice 3 hour cycling ride... .   it was rough in the beginning and i didnt want to go, but slowly started feeling better (endorphins),

eventually i came across a lake and decided to relax for a bit in front of it.  while there, i made a point to stop with all the electronic distractions for once and didnt look at my phone or anything, just watched birds playing over the water and the way the wind was blowing the current... .   it was relaxing and i took joy from nature and the simple things, as corny as it sounds... .   from there my mood began to elevate and i feel really good now, while she's in the back of my mind, it wasnt like last night or this morning and i'm more at peace... .   going to focus on that.

@forever,

i know what you mean. and its strange. i dont know if i am missing it, or if i just became accustomed to it. all the tension and chaos. i forget sometimes that i dont want to live my life like that, or maybe that it'll always be there if i was with her. there was always some sort of tension.

how long did your stalking phase last? what was the turning point that made you stop? how important is that to actually moving foward?

@surnia,

haha, its kinda nice knowing i'm not the only one.  i like your approach, and this morning i was admiring the progress i've made and how i look pretty great physically. even my friends say i look jacked or ripped. but its funny how i still think about its not good enough for her, or she was with someone in better shape or whatever... . dont know why i still do that. maybe trying to pinpoint why she didnt want me and chose others over me... .  

@wanttoknowmore,

yeah, my ex still has as her main pic a photo i took of her at a party we went to.  i dont think it has anything to do with anything, or maybe just a subtle manipulation she's using in case she suspects i do look at her facebook. i dont know, no point in thinking about that childish move... .  

i'm glad the last 15 days were good for you despite the relapse... .   damn planetary alignments... .  

[LetItBe]

Nice, fakename.  I am taking a break on my bike ride, watching the river, and just fed a sqirrel part of my Clif Bar.  Glad we're having better days. 

[fakename]

@nongf,

i'm glad youre doing better too.

watching the river during a bike ride sounds pretty awesome.

haha, i'm glad the squirrel gave you some company

[LetItBe]

Thanks, fakename.  It's time for more bike therapy... .   can't pass up this weather!  Maybe I'll see my riding buddy again.  Hope today is an even better day than yesterday was for you!

[fakename]

Hahah. Riding therapy def does help.

Today is better than yesterday which I'm really happy about. Didn't sink deeper into the darkness since Friday but instead went the opposite direction.

Wish I could ride today. But have my part time job undortunately

[changingme]

Glad you are doing better... .  

Sometimes when I am having a bad night I just engross myself in a movie, it kind of distracts me from repetitive negative thinking and questioning.  Then I always go to bed early.  The next day is always better especially if you can get outside in the sun.  The sun and fresh air always makes it all better. 

Speaking of pictures, my ex has a gf however you wouldn't know of it by the looks of his apartment.  In his apartment it is all about our daughter, his family and there is even a couple of pictures of me (not solo but as a group pic). There is no pictures of the gf.  It is one of those puzzles of his BPD that I just haven't been able to understand.  More so because this gf is the one he kind of "left me" for and who makes him happy and blah blah.

[Suzn]

Wish I could ride today. But have my part time job undortunately

Riding sounds like it was fun. Going to your part time job sounds like an opportunity to practice some mindfullness.  See if you can "be in the moment" while at work. Notice things, look around, be present. What things could you or do you like about your part time job? (aside from the extra cash  )

[fakename]

Hahah. Don't think there is much I like about the part time job.

I could have either collected unemployment or found something to get me out of the house and I chose the latter. The money is crap. I work in the back room at target. Most people here I like and can at least have fun with while working but there's one guy who I sometimes get stuck with that is just one of the laziest workers I've ever seen and he always dampens my mood. I'm just a greatly underemployed chap who is too lazy to actively job hunt at the moment.

Been here for like 9 monts and I really tried the whole mindfulness thing ad try to see what small things I could get out of it and being present and all that. But I'm past that. It sucks here. But learnt on It really helped in learning about humility.

Gotta start putting in effort behind my side project and actually look for a job.