3 years later

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello.  I'm posting this here to maybe give hope for some people struggling with the aftermath of their BPD relationship.  I first came to this site 3 years ago, riddled with fleas, not sure what I was experiencing, with tons of questions.  I'd searched the web for answers, and this forum presented the best community for me to work things through.  I learned a tremendous amount by coming, and found priceless support.  In fact, when I finish this post I will finally make a donation, because I can afford to do so.

What prompted me to post this is the fact I'd just completed the first meaningful contact with my BPDx in that 3 years' time.  It isn't the first contact since the breakup, especially considering those early weeks and months when resisting proved too difficult, but perhaps in about 2.5 years.  It took most of that time of NC to ever even think of contacting her.  Even then, I knew she'd settled down somewhat - got married, has a child - and although that doesn't really mean anything in the long wrong, I knew at least I was strong enough to make the breach and abort the mission if things went south.  And, as a last ditch effort to acquit myself of snoopful meandering into her life, the topic was work related (her father manages a security company that monitors the entrance to a golf development I frequentfor business, one guard of which has been giving be unnecessary grief as of late).

I hadn't intended on a long discussion, but kinda knew it would happen.  After 3 years, one would expect the other to at least say "how've ya been?".  As I expected, she asked, and we began our descent down memory-hole lane.  She revealed a lot to me, which I was thankful for.  Very telling stuff, right out of the BPD playbook.

As we tiptoed toward the topic of our experience together, we settled into a comfort zone, and I explicitly asked if she'd mind if I asked her some questions.  They were a variety of half-remembered concerns I'd had back in the day, not the BPD checklist questionnaire I might have asked from an earlier emotion-driven stance.  In fact I never mentioned BPD 1 time.

The first bit of insight she revealed is that she knowingly mirrors people with which she feels a strong connection.  She admitted doing that with me.  This isn't news to me - I'd figured it out thanks to this place - but hearing it from her like that put it in a new perspective.  Yes, I fell for a deliberate, if not triggered illusion.  Yes, BPD is real. 

She said she'd mirrored people since she was a kid, with friends, and that she always regretted mirroring lovers because it never ended well.  She said it drains her, and that during those times she remembers feelings, not actual memories.  She said that most relationships are a blur, and she doesn't like the fact people get hurt, although she got used to it.

I'm pretty much writing to the choir here.  Testamonials like this already exist, some of which are more detailed and graphic.  What made it pertinent to me, and hopefully those who read this, is that I can say I'm on the other side when I never thought I'd get there.  I had some dark times, man.  I thought I'd never feel normal again.  I'm here to say it is possible, even though normal really isn't a word I associate with personalities anymore.

Throughout the course of the chat she invited me to visit and meet her baby boy, to which I said no, but maybe a year ago would have said yes.  In fact, I have no desire to cross paths with her, nor do I delude myself into thinking this chat may have been the beginning of a friendship.  I measured the moment, felt good about it, said what I had to say, continued down memory lane, took advantage of it, made peace, and am done.

Keep up the good fight, people.  Processing the aftermath of BPD takes a while, longer than we'd like it to, sometimes.  Be open to the wisdom of this site, and be strong in your conviction.  Believe what your heart is telling you.

[David Dare]

Hello.  I'm posting this here to maybe give hope for some people struggling with the aftermath of their BPD relationship.  I first came to this site 3 years ago, riddled with fleas, not sure what I was experiencing, with tons of questions.  I'd searched the web for answers, and this forum presented the best community for me to work things through.  I learned a tremendous amount by coming, and found priceless support.  In fact, when I finish this post I will finally make a donation, because I can afford to do so.

What prompted me to post this is the fact I'd just completed the first meaningful contact with my BPDx in that 3 years' time.  It isn't the first contact since the breakup, especially considering those early weeks and months when resisting proved too difficult, but perhaps in about 2.5 years.  It took most of that time of NC to ever even think of contacting her.  Even then, I knew she'd settled down somewhat - got married, has a child - and although that doesn't really mean anything in the long wrong, I knew at least I was strong enough to make the breach and abort the mission if things went south.  And, as a last ditch effort to acquit myself of snoopful meandering into her life, the topic was work related (her father manages a security company that monitors the entrance to a golf development I frequentfor business, one guard of which has been giving be unnecessary grief as of late).

I hadn't intended on a long discussion, but kinda knew it would happen.  After 3 years, one would expect the other to at least say "how've ya been?".  As I expected, she asked, and we began our descent down memory-hole lane.  She revealed a lot to me, which I was thankful for.  Very telling stuff, right out of the BPD playbook.

As we tiptoed toward the topic of our experience together, we settled into a comfort zone, and I explicitly asked if she'd mind if I asked her some questions.  They were a variety of half-remembered concerns I'd had back in the day, not the BPD checklist questionnaire I might have asked from an earlier emotion-driven stance.  In fact I never mentioned BPD 1 time.

The first bit of insight she revealed is that she knowingly mirrors people with which she feels a strong connection.  She admitted doing that with me.  This isn't news to me - I'd figured it out thanks to this place - but hearing it from her like that put it in a new perspective.  Yes, I fell for a deliberate, if not triggered illusion.  Yes, BPD is real. 

She said she'd mirrored people since she was a kid, with friends, and that she always regretted mirroring lovers because it never ended well.  She said it drains her, and that during those times she remembers feelings, not actual memories.  She said that most relationships are a blur, and she doesn't like the fact people get hurt, although she got used to it.

I'm pretty much writing to the choir here.  Testamonials like this already exist, some of which are more detailed and graphic.  What made it pertinent to me, and hopefully those who read this, is that I can say I'm on the other side when I never thought I'd get there.  I had some dark times, man.  I thought I'd never feel normal again.  I'm here to say it is possible, even though normal really isn't a word I associate with personalities anymore.

Throughout the course of the chat she invited me to visit and meet her baby boy, to which I said no, but maybe a year ago would have said yes.  In fact, I have no desire to cross paths with her, nor do I delude myself into thinking this chat may have been the beginning of a friendship.  I measured the moment, felt good about it, said what I had to say, continued down memory lane, took advantage of it, made peace, and am done.

Keep up the good fight, people.  Processing the aftermath of BPD takes a while, longer than we'd like it to, sometimes.  Be open to the wisdom of this site, and be strong in your conviction.  Believe what your heart is telling you.

[HarmKrakow]

Thanks for sharing, i pulled the most strenght out of ... .   "nor do i delude myself as seeing this chat the beginning of a friendship ... . "

Which is the only right path as you can't be friends with a disordered person. And it show you have detached.

[Hurt llama]

that's a great story and thank you for sharing it.

What did she say when you declined to meet her baby? I might have to read this again but is there a partner in her life?

I actually can envision myself at the same point but I have also been working on this for a long time... .   I can also envision myself slipping back so it's especially good to read this at this time!

[David Dare]

She has a husband.  I hate to preach different than what I practice, and I know from reading stories here over the years that not every relationship is the same, so please don't read this post as a suggestion to reconcile or contact with a xBPD.  My relationship was kinda short and sweet, in comparison, in that we didn't have any kids, mutual investments, any other deeper ties that would have drawn out the process.  She cheated on me and moved on right away, and it hurt like hell.

What I didn't mention in my post are the moments the chat went weird, when she start describing things in her vocabulary I kinda understand, but don't.  I didn't want to sound bitter against her, because I'm really not, although it would be easy to do given the audience. 

When I said I couldn't see her in person, I told her it was because I'd be overwhelmed, which is true.  In fact, this discussion was a Facebook chat.  A phone call would have been too much for me.  For the sake of the matter, she gave me good advice on how do deal with the security guard situation.

Something else happened a couple months ago that I should mention, a weird twist of fate that helped me push the episode farther into the past.  My gf listed a car for sale on Craigslist.  One day, after a rainstorm, a puddle formed at the bottom of our driveway in the shape of a heart, and my gf took a picture.  Later that day, her first bite on the Craigslist ad arrived to look at the car: none other than my xBPD, her husband and son.  I was asleep at the time and learned of the events later on.  She showed me the photo of the puddle, then told me about the whole affair, which went okay, although they didn't buy the car.  My xBPD brought that up during our discussion.  I'm glad I was asleep when she came by, and am amazed at the synchronicity of the heart-shaped puddle.  I tend to believe such events are pure happenchance, but it touched me and made me wonder.

I think it bears repeating that this post is not a review of a BPD turned NON, or some fanciful glimmer of hope that people may one day rekindle that intensely addictive bond that comes with such territory.  In fact, I have her blocked on Facebook because she manages to capture her mood swings eloquently and frequently in her posts.  I kind of feel for her husband who I imagine is henpecked to death, and has already experienced the rollercoaster to some degree.