Ruminating over my own flaws

[Depression = 72% of members]

After having my first good days yesterday and today in over 6 weeks since my ex broke it off and cut me out of his life, I am left wondering if it was all my fault.  I know I wasn't perfect in the relationship.  I know whatever level of drama I might have caused.  It wasn't the horrible stuff that is mostly posted here - never any name calling, swearing, verbal or physical abuse.  But I would get whiny at times.  At times I could be btchy or jealous.  So I'm left wondering if the break up was all my fault.

The thing I know for sure is that his last two relationships (which he broke up by cheating on both women for a couple of months before leaving them) were way more dramatic in every way than our relationship ever was.  According to him, his wife was verbally abusive, and his ex that he left his wife for was both verbally and physically abusive, and would break stuff on a regular basis.

So I don't understand why whatever stresses we had in the relationship would have broken us up, when he stuck around so much longer under so much worse circumstances.

I am left wondering if maybe I am the one who was crazy?  Maybe I really was that hard to take.  But most of the time from my perspective the relationship was amazing: fun, spiritual, sexual, intimate, loving. 

When I confronted him after the breakup, he told me that he had been thinking of breaking up with me for the two weeks prior.  But in that time we were having great dates, making love, laughing together, and saying "I love you" on a daily basis.  There were a couple of squabbles, but I thought they  were minor.  And when I knew I was wrong, I would always apologize within a couple of hours or sooner.

So I'm left wondering if even then did he have some horrible perception of me?  Or maybe I'm not seeing myself, and I was monstrous?

This is what's tormenting me.  Could I have saved the relationship?  What was my fault? 

When he first broke it off I wanted to call him up every day and beg him to give me another chance.  But I fought the urge, and have maintained no contact for the full 6 weeks.  About 3 weeks ago he texted me "Hi... .  I hope you're doing good!"  and I never responded. 

My question is:  Is it realistic to expect Love to survive petty squabbles and

arguments? Especially when someone tells you everyday that they love you? I think my ex might have let his frustration build up to the point of no return, instead of talking over with me when something I was saying or doing was crossing a boundary with him.  He said to me during our breakup that his biggest fault was not standing up for himself in relationships. 

Anyway, I guess I'm wondering what is normal in relationships now that we're over.  I loved him with all my heart, and I never lied to him, never cheated on him, never called him names, never withdrew from him, never withheld sex.  And I never would have.  He chose to walk out anyway.

I just need to say for me that I always appreciated him, and told him all the time.  I supported his dreams and goals.  I cooked good food for him.  We had great sex.  I told him how amazing I thought he was.  I would even get up early to fold his laundry the times he would bring it over so it would be nice for him.  I think I was a pretty good girlfriend.

I wish he hadn't given up on us.

[leftbehind]

After having my first good days yesterday and today in over 6 weeks since my ex broke it off and cut me out of his life, I am left wondering if it was all my fault.  I know I wasn't perfect in the relationship.  I know whatever level of drama I might have caused.  It wasn't the horrible stuff that is mostly posted here - never any name calling, swearing, verbal or physical abuse.  But I would get whiny at times.  At times I could be btchy or jealous.  So I'm left wondering if the break up was all my fault.

The thing I know for sure is that his last two relationships (which he broke up by cheating on both women for a couple of months before leaving them) were way more dramatic in every way than our relationship ever was.  According to him, his wife was verbally abusive, and his ex that he left his wife for was both verbally and physically abusive, and would break stuff on a regular basis.

So I don't understand why whatever stresses we had in the relationship would have broken us up, when he stuck around so much longer under so much worse circumstances.

I am left wondering if maybe I am the one who was crazy?  Maybe I really was that hard to take.  But most of the time from my perspective the relationship was amazing: fun, spiritual, sexual, intimate, loving. 

When I confronted him after the breakup, he told me that he had been thinking of breaking up with me for the two weeks prior.  But in that time we were having great dates, making love, laughing together, and saying "I love you" on a daily basis.  There were a couple of squabbles, but I thought they  were minor.  And when I knew I was wrong, I would always apologize within a couple of hours or sooner.

So I'm left wondering if even then did he have some horrible perception of me?  Or maybe I'm not seeing myself, and I was monstrous?

This is what's tormenting me.  Could I have saved the relationship?  What was my fault? 

When he first broke it off I wanted to call him up every day and beg him to give me another chance.  But I fought the urge, and have maintained no contact for the full 6 weeks.  About 3 weeks ago he texted me "Hi... .  I hope you're doing good!"  and I never responded. 

My question is:  Is it realistic to expect Love to survive petty squabbles and

arguments? Especially when someone tells you everyday that they love you? I think my ex might have let his frustration build up to the point of no return, instead of talking over with me when something I was saying or doing was crossing a boundary with him.  He said to me during our breakup that his biggest fault was not standing up for himself in relationships. 

Anyway, I guess I'm wondering what is normal in relationships now that we're over.  I loved him with all my heart, and I never lied to him, never cheated on him, never called him names, never withdrew from him, never withheld sex.  And I never would have.  He chose to walk out anyway.

I just need to say for me that I always appreciated him, and told him all the time.  I supported his dreams and goals.  I cooked good food for him.  We had great sex.  I told him how amazing I thought he was.  I would even get up early to fold his laundry the times he would bring it over so it would be nice for him.  I think I was a pretty good girlfriend.

I wish he hadn't given up on us.

[MockingbirdHL]

Left behind - your story sounds so familiar to me!  I've thought those same thoughts, asked myself those same questions. My dBPDh is currently giving me the silent treatment. From afar as he works out of town. After two days of barely speaking to me, except maybe to blame me for his bad feelings, and now two days of NC ... .  Tonight I feel strangely calm. Maybe I'm all out of tears. I believe there's a 20% chance he will come home at the end of the week and want to try and work it out, and there's an 80% chance he will tell me he has to end it because HE can't go on like this anymore. I guess I'm calm because I'm trying to stay busy. And his stuff is still in the house. If I come home from work and its all gone, or he actually gets the guts to TELL me it's over, then it will hit me and reality will set in quickly.

I've never cheated either. Never lied. Sure I've not told him some things, but not earth shattering things... . Things about exBFs that he didn't need to know, things that were way before we met. Information his therapist told him would not be good for him to have.  Not long after that he painted her black.

I've done EVERYTHING to ensure his comfort. Often at the expense of others, especially myself and the kids (I have one, he has one, we have none together).  I've tiptoed around (I know) ... .  Everything for him. I've listened to him accuse me, take things out of context, ignore me, give me all kinds of double-standards, yell at me ... .  But HE is the one who can't live like this anymore?  He's the one who's undecided as to whether to stay or leave?  He's the one not sure if he's 100% committed to the relationship?  Seriously.

My friends all say he'll be back. They've seen us go through this four times before. I'm not so sure ... .  Would this man actually leave his wife, his family, his house, their life together just because he can't believe something might not happen?  I think so - purely out of fear and perceived self-preservation.  He can't trust me he says. I think it's more like he doesn't trust anyone but if I do prove that I'm untrustworthy, that would hurt him (and validate his feelings / behavior) - either way it'd be too much for him to bear.

How can you spend months telling me you love me multiple times a day, spending time together, talking about the future etc and then suddenly do a 180 ... .  Now the past months have been hell?  It's almost incomprehensible. 

[Chazz]

leftbehind... .  I'm so sorry for your pain and confusion.

I'm also going through a seemingly endless laundry list of my own faults.    Although I do see occasional self-assessment/reassessment a worthy task for everyone --- using my Ex's all black judgments about me feels like a self-imposed Inquisition by torture techniques.

Just sayin'

   

[leftbehind]

thank you mockingbirdHL and Chaz for responding to my post.  I appreciate the feedback.  It helps to know that others are going through this same post breakup self- recrimination. 

I hate the fact that I wasn't perfect in that relationship, because I really loved him and would have done anything to make it work.  Whenever I had an issue that came up (like jealousy, trust or control issues) I worked really hard to clear it on my own, including:

therapy sessions

energy work

reading books about stopping the thought patterns

teleconferences

reading up on the internet

joining an online forum

talking to friends

prayer

I guess maybe in the back of my mind was always the thought of how he exited the last two relationships before me.  Maybe that made it hard for me to trust him, or maybe it was my higher self telling me something was wrong here, even if I couldn't put my finger on it.  Because in the end he detached from me two days after telling me he was incredibly in love with me (he had been saying this during the whole relationship, but we had a really magical weekend, and then poof!  he can't be around my "energy".)

Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for both of your input

[seeking balance]

  leftbehind,

First -   - I know how hard it is to try and apply logic to what happened and feel like the crazy one.  I remember so vividly thinking "one of us is BPD and I don't know which one at this point".

First up -remember to breathe deeply - this really does help.

The all/nothing thinking is really detrimental... .  keep in mind this is a  .  No, nothing is ALL your fault or ALL his fault - it was a loaded relationship that was bound to end up this way... .  there was nothing "perfect" you could do... .  so letting go of this fact can help.

For me - I really focused on the facts of the disorder, probably to the point of obsessing since I now know more about BPD and DBT than many therapists - but, in learning the FACTS (not hearsay or people that wanted to portray nons as victims) I was able to use my rational brain to detach and then process my emotions.

Another thing that was like a mantra for me was article 9 - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

Any time I was suffering or struggling, it was one of these 10 False Beliefs that had me stuck.

Sounds to me like this might be getting you right now:

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening.

When any relationship breaks down, it’s often because the partners are on a different “page” – but much more so when your partner suffers with borderline personality disorder traits.

Unknown to you, there were likely significant   periods   of   shame,   fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship.

Keep processing and learning.  Be gentle with yourself as you go through this journey.

Peace,

SB

[Hurt llama]

The thing I know for sure is that his last two relationships (which he broke up by cheating on both women for a couple of months before leaving them) were way more dramatic in every way than our relationship ever was.  According to him, his wife was verbally abusive, and his ex that he left his wife for was both verbally and physically abusive, and would break stuff on a regular basis.

When I read threads and posts like this (and I made/make them too), I always look for the real truth buried right in the post and so clear to anyone but the OP (including myself)

Maybe read your own post from the objective view of an outsider and I think the above paragraph tells you more than you need to know.

It wasn't you. But your exposure and your own demons that we all have were probably activated... . I know that was/is the case for me.

(Seeking Balance is one of my hero's here)

[leftbehind]

thank you both seeking balance and Hurt llama.  I just reread the article seeking balance posted the link to, and it helps a lot.

Hurt llama, I'm hoping he didn't cheat on me, as he didn't have to because we weren't living together (he lived with the other two).  But my intuition tells me he had definitely shifted interest to someone else, and was getting ready to be with them.  So I think that's why when he was done, he was done.  He broke up with me in such a hurry I believe because he had already started the courting/idealization process with someone else.  My gut tells me he didn't sleep with them until later on the same day he broke up with me. 

The messed up thing is that because he wasn't truthful about this, (and I have no proof either way) it left me to blame myself 100%.  But as seeking peace said nothing is either all him or all me, more like a combination of the perfect storm.

thanks again.

[Hurt llama]

thank you both seeking balance and Hurt llama.  I just reread the article seeking balance posted the link to, and it helps a lot.

Hurt llama, I'm hoping he didn't cheat on me, as he didn't have to because we weren't living together (he lived with the other two).  But my intuition tells me he had definitely shifted interest to someone else, and was getting ready to be with them.  So I think that's why when he was done, he was done.  He broke up with me in such a hurry I believe because he had already started the courting/idealization process with someone else.  My gut tells me he didn't sleep with them until later on the same day he broke up with me. 

The messed up thing is that because he wasn't truthful about this, (and I have no proof either way) it left me to blame myself 100%.  But as seeking peace said nothing is either all him or all me, more like a combination of the perfect storm.

thanks again.

I  went through the same hope and found out she did in fact and it destroyed me and it was early on. I never recovered but I tried to make believe I did... .  We proceeded to get back together and then get engaged... . she moved thousands of miles, relocated her life, sold her belongings and then when she was her same self I ended it.

Was it some form of revenge? maybe. I can't feel badly.

But we continued in long distance texting, calling and more for a long time and saw each other a few times over the years.

I finally really pulled the plug (again) but I have started no contact for first time in  6 years... .  it's 3rd week ended and 2nd no contact.

all sorts of reordered thinking is going on.

I am starting to see the light. Don't invest in thinking about whether he cheated or not. To me finding out was the most devastating event I remember in my life. And I went back.

Ugh.

Hang in there. thoughts of him, words from me or to him are energy best served to preserve for ourselves... .  and I know my words sound like a fresh addict who just quit cigarrettes... .  

But I mean well!

[leftbehind]

thank you, Hurt llama.  it's true its time to focus on me, and not him.  whatever the reason we're not together almost doesn't matter.  the fact is he's a flake... . !