Rough night

[dsmoody23]

So, as the topic suggests, it's a rough evening.

It's been about a month and a half since I moved out, and about a month since any contact.

I know the party line here is to absolutely break contact, burn the pictures, torch any tangible memories. Sadly, that's not really my style, so I've been hesitant to delete pictures and toss reminders. I cleaned out my house fairly well, sanitized it of things that would trigger memories, but I do keep a few things in a box.

I don't have any glaring revelation, or anything truly meaningful to say here. Just looking for some support, I guess.

I've been overthinking too much, tonight. Now that I'm back home, settled in and starting over, the reality that my relationship is truly over is doing a number on me. I just got a new job, starting tomorrow, and everything feels incredibly concrete, now.

Like I just flushed a year of my life down the toilet, with very little to show for it. Now I'm starting over from zero.

[Siamese Rescue]

I understand. My uBPDexbf broke up with me Friday after painting me black over the course of a month or more. It's excruciating. Everyone seems to think he'll be back and I keep begging and soliciting replies like that for my own reassurance. Even so, I know that everything feels different this time. I can feel the wall that went up. It's like a blockade and I don't know if it will ever come down and frankly I don't think so. He has a new supply, new crowd and all I did was go codependent on him. (Of course he has lied in spades over the years, cheated, etc) ... .  Still, it's so scary that a 7 yes seven year relationship is gone. I wished it had gone differently. I feel your pain. It's not easy and I admire anyone who is surviving it. Hugs to you and good luck with your new job. One last thing. I don't know about you but people in my family and friends keep suggesting the same ridiculous things. "Get a new hairstyle" "take his number out of your phone" (that's stupid to me- oh I'll forget I spent 7 years with him and forget his contact info? Yeah right.) I have no great advice, just my already soaking wet shoulder to cry on.

[jrx]

When people suggested the "burn everything" approach to me, I felt (only me) that it was to protect me against (1) falling back into the trap, and (2) ruminating. I think everyone is different. This isn't advice, I'm just explaining my experience.

I'd never be the person I am today if I didn't have that relationship. I had to train to be more empathetic because the stakes were so high. I had to learn how to read micro-expressions and (sadly) endure things I never thought I could. I'm more assertive because I had to be. It's bittersweet, these are things I never would have "volunteered" for, but I wouldn't give up those skills or the knowledge. I'm not perfect and am still learning new skills, but I have more than I did before.

Your breakup and NC required strength. And you stuck to your values by not "burning everything". In and of itself, you honored one of your own boundaries despite overwhelming popular sentiment. That's a big deal. How cool is that!

[hithere]

Like I just flushed a year of my life down the toilet, with very little to show for it. Now I'm starting over from zero.

Count yourself lucky, I flushed 5 years and many other here have flushed a decade or longer.

It gets easier, focus on yourself and what you are doing to make your life better.

good luck

[Sleep doc]

Hey Moody,

  I just crossed the one month NC barrier and the "it's her bday" barrier and I have to say I feel really good.  There are times and I still ruminate often but the "what is she doing, why isn't she calling me, she couldn't go a day before now she can go a month, I've broken it off before - why is it working this time, who is the next guy (though like everyone else she cheated on me often and strategically - plus only let me know about the guys she wanted me to know about), is gone.  I ruminate now to remind myself of her disorder, of the absolute insanity of the end, and of how for quite some time (maybe even from the beginning) there was no way this would ever scale to something real. 

So you are a "test yourself to best yourself" kind of person - me too.  I put myself through certain tests to see what feelings it evocates and as a gauge of progress I have made.  She deleted me on Facebook so the social network creeping thing is not something I do but I do see pictures of her online tagged in others profiles on occasion and the feelings are noticeably different.  They aren't longing or sadness - they are anxiety progressing to indifference.  I take that as a good sign.  Eventually I won't even remember her friends exist or care to look.  Or maybe best of all - I will see her with another guy and I won't care.  I will say, "good for her and best of luck to that guy".  That's my hope anyway - but I'm not ready yet.  Because I still have anxiety which means I still have enmeshment.

I erased voicemails - they were interesting to listen to because it should the shallow nature of her true feelings, her childish beliefs and her post alcohol induced psychosis with apologies.  That helped me for the first week to stick to my guns.  After that I didn't need it anymore and I changed my phone number forever - now I just forward calls (she was calling me from blocked numbers by the end anyway because I wouldn't communicate with her).  I saved all her texts (which ever ones I didn't erase because every time I said to myself "this is stupid, I despise this person, it's over - I would delete all of her texts - of the ten months this "relationship" existed - I only have two months worth of texts - that tells you how often we would break up and how maddening the whole thing was).   If I have a particularly bad day (which I did about a week and half ago) I read them to see the subtle and then overt signs of BPD even in her texts.  I found myself reading certain texts going "damn does she suck... .  This person can truly go screw themselves" and it is actually really helpful. 

So take your time, your own pace, and your own healing process.  Just make sure it's about you.  For me I ruminate mostly to ask myself the hard questions about me and to challenge myself to detach.  Some days are better than others but there are more good days than bad days.  Every time I think about calling her I just think to myself "why?  What was left?".  It's like that line in the Matrix when Morpheus asks Neo if he wants to take the blue pill or the red pill and he says to him, "you can go back down that road but you know where it leads".  Just remember that as you go through this process.