Vulcanized trailer and rage.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have this nifty RV trailer that I got for $4000 at the beginning of the year. being an intrinsic tinkerer ans scientist at the core level, I immediately started doing experiments with it, mainly with climate control and easy clean ability.

This last week, I decided to vulcanize, or rubberized, all of the floors and walls. I made up this secret sauce, which included about a gallon of the blood red sand from this area, and applied it in various shades. I changed my mind from doing a melted wax look to a stucco, southwestern look.

I took up the ghetto carpet and linoleum and it reveal a chip board flooring, you know the plywood made up of wood chips? Well, I painted and vulcanized right over that. Andit looks awesome. As wells every square inch of the walls. The acoustics, as well as the climate, has changed.

when I was working, a huge amount of rage welled up. I mean, I had dharma talks playing, and even these could not touch the level of pissed off. I realized a truth about myself.

I am a highly gifted woman. And the people in my life, mostly men, have really dragged this down, because they are jealous sh!theads. I can do just about everything, including swinging a hammer.

I have a lot of immigrant friends... .  many of the common talking points they have is that typical americans are lazy and don't work hard. Last time I head this, it was two men that were to chicken to climb a very tall ladder to hang a sign... .  ... .  the white bread American girl did it. Told them that this was not the case, to lovingly STFU. I have more balls than any man I know. And I am all woman. Lots of men are extremely threaten, because of their own inferiorities. I don't throw it up in their faces, but the proof is in the pudding as they watch me work. Do I give a crap? NO.

Even my bristish guy friend, who is very hardworking, gets scared sometimes. Yesterday, he could see that I was working my ass off to get this done, and I was filthy, and he became needy and wanted me to stop so that I could spend time with him, even though I had spent the last few night with him. I mean, I validated his feeling, but man, what a baby. I am trying to get my life together, and I told him this, and he still becomes needy.

But the rage was about my brother, who put my life in serious jeopardy when my ex had his dangerous psychotic breakdown. It has been a year, and the little pussy is too cowardly to face me. This, along with years of compulsive lying and narcissistic manuplations of people just makes me want to throw up. I was listening to a dharma talk on anger. But the thing is, what he is done is unforgivable, unredeemable, and my life is better without him. He would not be where he is without me, and the slap in the face had basically caused me to take the stance of cutting out all bull sh!t out of my life. I just don't know why the men in mylife want to tear me down, and not support me. I mean, these are worthless scum to want to break down a hardworking, talented, ambitious person.

Thought and commentary appreciated.

[Maryiscontrary]

I have this nifty RV trailer that I got for $4000 at the beginning of the year. being an intrinsic tinkerer ans scientist at the core level, I immediately started doing experiments with it, mainly with climate control and easy clean ability.

This last week, I decided to vulcanize, or rubberized, all of the floors and walls. I made up this secret sauce, which included about a gallon of the blood red sand from this area, and applied it in various shades. I changed my mind from doing a melted wax look to a stucco, southwestern look.

I took up the ghetto carpet and linoleum and it reveal a chip board flooring, you know the plywood made up of wood chips? Well, I painted and vulcanized right over that. Andit looks awesome. As wells every square inch of the walls. The acoustics, as well as the climate, has changed.

when I was working, a huge amount of rage welled up. I mean, I had dharma talks playing, and even these could not touch the level of pissed off. I realized a truth about myself.

I am a highly gifted woman. And the people in my life, mostly men, have really dragged this down, because they are jealous sh!theads. I can do just about everything, including swinging a hammer.

I have a lot of immigrant friends... .  many of the common talking points they have is that typical americans are lazy and don't work hard. Last time I head this, it was two men that were to chicken to climb a very tall ladder to hang a sign... .  ... .  the white bread American girl did it. Told them that this was not the case, to lovingly STFU. I have more balls than any man I know. And I am all woman. Lots of men are extremely threaten, because of their own inferiorities. I don't throw it up in their faces, but the proof is in the pudding as they watch me work. Do I give a crap? NO.

Even my bristish guy friend, who is very hardworking, gets scared sometimes. Yesterday, he could see that I was working my ass off to get this done, and I was filthy, and he became needy and wanted me to stop so that I could spend time with him, even though I had spent the last few night with him. I mean, I validated his feeling, but man, what a baby. I am trying to get my life together, and I told him this, and he still becomes needy.

But the rage was about my brother, who put my life in serious jeopardy when my ex had his dangerous psychotic breakdown. It has been a year, and the little pussy is too cowardly to face me. This, along with years of compulsive lying and narcissistic manuplations of people just makes me want to throw up. I was listening to a dharma talk on anger. But the thing is, what he is done is unforgivable, unredeemable, and my life is better without him. He would not be where he is without me, and the slap in the face had basically caused me to take the stance of cutting out all bull sh!t out of my life. I just don't know why the men in mylife want to tear me down, and not support me. I mean, these are worthless scum to want to break down a hardworking, talented, ambitious person.

Thought and commentary appreciated.

[slimmiller]

 

Kuddos for being angry!

Actually I think at times as we heal anger is good as long as its not destructive or self defeating. It gives us resolve and moves us. Lord knows being immeresed in BPD turns us so damn passive at times we have a tendency to get stuck.

Anger has moved me to do many things that I other wise would not have. I took up guitar lessons, something I have been wanting to do for years. I cant say that I just got p#*ed and picked up a guitar but it did move me to actually DO IT instead of thinking about it. Its an awesome outlet as well.

Also anger is part of the healing process. I did a list recently and wrote down what all she did that was NOT okay. Needless to say I didnt get very far till you guessed it, I got angry again. And I feel I am justified to some anger for how she has treated me but then also at myself for allowing it.

BTW your talents are to be admired for what you can do. Never loose sight of your gifts! Dont let them drag you down

Also guys can be complete wimps at times too so give the poor saps some slack... .  

[Maryiscontrary]

I appreciate this. It is scarey the level of pissed I can get. I am a small woman, and when like this,  I could probably throw a 250 lb man across a bar in a brawl. When I get like this, what appears to be ASPD traits spring up, and I go into terminator mode. dirty Harry, cold, calm collected mode. I go for not torture, but the eliminate them mode. Steam roller. I don't have empathy at this point, because they are attempting to destroy my very being, which is really awesome and beautiful, so they need to be eliminated, plain and simple.

[arabella]

Your trailer sounds amazing! Congratulations on pulling it all together and working your tail off to accomplish this!

You sound like a very determined person. Driven. Focused. Fantastic! Of course, if that's your personality and then you add a layer of anger on top, well, look out! It's not a bad thing but I could see how it might occasionally obscure some less forceful emotions. So I guess my 'advice' is to just be aware and look for undercurrents (or follow-up emotions that drift in afterward).

But the thing is, what he is done is unforgivable, unredeemable, and my life is better without him.

At least you know that you need to cut him loose - that's much more than a lot of people ever come to realize. I would beg to differ on one point though, I think everything is forgivable. Years ago I read a book entitled, 'How Can I Forgive You?', and it changed the way I view forgiveness. The theory goes that forgiveness is not for the other person's benefit, but for mine. I forgive so that I can move on and let go. That person may or may not ever know that I forgave them and forgiveness does not mean that I excuse them either. I am still angry. The consequences for them are still there but I will not carry their crap around with me and their actions do not get to take up free rent in my head. I let go (detach). So, if you wanted to, you could forgive your brother but still never speak to him again. You could forgive for you. Just thought I'd throw that out there - it's nice to have options.

[egribkb]

Pics of the trailer finish (unidentifying scene) or it didn't happen! 

Congrats on getting in touch with your emotions too.

[Maryiscontrary]

Are we allow to post pics? I have never seen anybody post pics. Is this against TOS?

Again, thank you all. I know forgiveness is for oneself.  I know that. It is important that I eliminate unsavory people out, period. There is no get out of jail free card with my brother. Or his btch wife, whom I also did a crapload of things for.


What I don't undertand is this. The people who I have gone out of my way for, and stood by when the SHTF in huge ways, have all sh!t on me and betrayed me afterwards. All of them. I mean, life would have reAlly, really sucked if I had not had been there. Really really sucked. And they betrayed me, treat me like a cheap whore. I mean, there are some really, really bad people in this world.

[arabella]

Are we allow to post pics? I have never seen anybody post pics. Is this against TOS?

I dunno, but there's an "insert image" button. Try it (I wanna see the pics)!

What I don't undertand is this.

*****

I mean, there are some really, really bad people in this world.

Perhaps that's all there is to it? Some people just suck. Be glad you don't understand - you're likely a better person for it.

[egribkb]

Are we allow to post pics? I have never seen anybody post pics. Is this against TOS?

I don't see it specified in the TOS but they do say no identifying info or outside links so use your judgement. If I have to I'll settle for imagining the sandy rubberized goodness.  

[Maryiscontrary]

Again, I really thank you guys.

The pictures must be posted via HTML. Let me figure this out.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Rubberized floors and walls in red sand... . very interesting!

The work sounds artistic and therapeutic to me.  That likely triggered the rage.  But I see it as a good thing, as long as you don't hurt yourself or someone else.  Sometimes we have to pass through the fire first to get to the green fields.

I had some anger well up yesterday after discussing some difficult topics with friends, and I just screamed at the top of my lungs in the car by myself over and over.

I've been pulling large pine tree roots up out of the ground right up next to my house.  Just digging in the dirt.  This is therapeutic for me.  It's good to get dirty and get in the dirt.

As for forgiveness, I agree with others that it is for you.  Yes, people can be complete a##holes, but if I'm honest with me, so can I.  How do I forgive myself for my shortcomings?  I let myself be human, capable of good and evil.  I can let them be people, too.  But that doesn't mean I have to keep them in my life or spend time with them.  And it doesn't give me a license to do harm. 

I strive today to do the least amount of harm and keep my side of the street clean.  That's the best I can do.

I'm sorry for your rage, and I hope you are feeling better.   

[arabella]

Hey! So now you have a rubber room to rage in?   Sorry, couldn't resist!

[fromheeltoheal]

I need to be careful; there's a difference between anger and rage.  I repressed a lot with my BPD, walking on eggshells, weathering her rages, not being listened to and heard, the things we go through with the disorder, and I found that if I fought back things would just escalate, so I stuffed a lot to keep the peace.  Not healthy.  So now it needs to come out, and it is, and I find that when I get some exercise, go light on the coffee, talk about what's going on with me, the anger is manageable, but when I don't do those things and get in reaction mode?  Rage!  And I need to be careful because I might do something I'll regret for a long time when I'm in that state; anger management required.

You sound pretty tough.  I'm not especially tough, although I am resilient, as I avoid that confrontation like the plague.  Working on that.  But there are tough men in the world; hopefully one shows up who earns your respect.  And even then, men have emotional needs too, and are sometimes needy and need to express vulnerability.  I've learned to accept that my vulnerability is a strength, and the older I've gotten, the less I care what people think, and am pretty much done with trying to be who I think people want me to be, so I just let fly with my realness, more and more these days, some people don't like me, some do, and that's OK.

[maria1]

Hi Mary

I'm liking the anger. I think it's good. I'm just connecting with mine more and I'm just connecting with a need to protect myself and clean my life of the w*****s; there are many of them! Your anger and your ability to see through the BS has really helped me with this.

But... .  being at the other end of the spectrum from you, I can't help wondering if the anger protects you from grieving, protects you from hurt. You have a lot of anger. I'm not saying it's not justified but do you think you'll ever be able to let any of the anger go? Do you want to? I don't know if you even need to, I'm simply wondering as it's what comes into my head in reaction to your post.

[LoveNotWar]

Ok, so I want to know more about the trailer... .  I've been thinking I need to do the same. I want one of those 60s canned ham trailers and I want to remodel/refurbish but don't want to have to do much structural.

My grand kids want to paint a mural on the outside, they've already designed it, I bought an SUV w/a hitch to haul it. Im closing on my new home tomorrow and the garage is big enough to store it. Just need to find the project... .  any advice?

[Maryiscontrary]

I will need to transfer some photos on my pc, because the iPad will not support HTML insertion.

It does not matter what trailer you get, just get one where the fundamentals are in excellent shape, like plumbing, electrical, and appliance. If you want to live in one, get the ones that look like a condo inside, like mine. If you want to stay temporarily, get a small one, as they are a pain to move. Don't spend too much money. Improvise. You will get greater satisfaction knowing you did it for nothing, thus sticking it to the man.

Again, I am deeply thankful for your inputs. I mean, the crux of the matter is that I find my brother, father, uncle, and both of my exes deeply offensive. Deeply offensive. I mean, these people are arrogant, but they are idiots, and they will twist reality in such a screwed up contorted state, and be adamant about it, and blame me for all of the sh!t wrong in the world. these people have destroyed their bodies, finances, relationships, and are thieves. Yes, my father, uncle, exes, and brother have stolen from me, and felt righteous.


Worthless sacks of crap. My father deserted my dying grandmother a over a year ago. Of course, she was a btch too, as I was there handling all the medical and hospice, and she would blame and scream at me that I was putting her away. I was the only one there to see to it that her body was removed. Sacks of sh!t. And of course my ex would scream at me over and over that we couldn't move from that hell hole Dallas because of her. Piece of sh!t douchebag. Got him his green card and rescued him from very, very dire straights. Sack of worthless, thieving, crap. Destroyed his ass in court.


Then my brother and his alcoholic psycho buddy try to weasel my company away from me during my exes psychotic episode. He knows big sister know how to build business in a depression, and that he is an idiot an cannot, and can only ride the coat tails of others, and he wanted that piece.

I mean, there are good people out there, but there are worthless sacks of excrement that humanity would be better without. You want to know why I am paranoid? This is why.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Mary,  Just a suggestion... . there's a book I read several years back that had a significant impact on me.  It's called Anger by Thich Nhat Hahn.  The author is a Buddhist monk and Vietnam refugee.  He delivers a concise, no nonsense approach to 'cooling the flames', so to speak.  It would do me good to read it again.  Take care.

[Grey Kitty]

The vulcanized trailer sounds cool! I once re-did one myself, although I just used carpet remnants and a few quarts of paint tinted and returned to the HW store for cheap.

I need to be careful; there's a difference between anger and rage.

... .  

So now it needs to come out, and it is, and I find that when I get some exercise, go light on the coffee, talk about what's going on with me, the anger is manageable, but when I don't do those things and get in reaction mode?  Rage!  And I need to be careful because I might do something I'll regret for a long time when I'm in that state; anger management required.

The difference is that anger is a feeling. Feelings are never "wrong" and if you try to stuff them, they will find another way to pop out... .  paying attention to them works better.

I would also note that the feeling of anger may be telling us something we need to know but don't want to pay attention to.

Rage is an action. I hesitate to call most of them "right" or "wrong", but some of them sure make more of a mess of your life than others do 

But... .  being at the other end of the spectrum from you, I can't help wondering if the anger protects you from grieving, protects you from hurt. You have a lot of anger. I'm not saying it's not justified but do you think you'll ever be able to let any of the anger go? Do you want to? I don't know if you even need to, I'm simply wondering as it's what comes into my head in reaction to your post.

I believe that we do protect ourselves from feelings we aren't ready to deal with. I believe that it is healthy and necessary, and happens in layers. A meditation teacher of mine said that she spent a HUGE amount of time dealing with sleepyness/tiredness. More than any student she has seen since. Eventually she got through that... .  she had been meditating a lot, and finally she didn't need that anymore. Then she saw her anger. This took more meditation to get through. Eventually she was able to make it through that to some of her hurt. She clearly believed that her sleepyness was protecting her from the anger she couldn't deal with at the time... .  and the anger was protecting herself from the hurt she couldn't deal with at the time.

Maryiscontrary, you are probably in a similar place. I think that if you take an interest in the anger, you will find what you need there.  It sounds like you are doing good work / good practice.

[Maryiscontrary]

This board is has some of the most compassionate people I have ever come across. I will figure out this HTML thing and post these pictures.

Perhaps if I look deeply at this, I am outraged, almost to homicidal proportions, because I find that my FOO, as well as my exes, as well as my colleagues, bosses, are deeply invalidating and full of sh!t. I am a vulnerable person, I don't undertand complex human interaction (aka lying). I don't understand short term gain at the expense of long term benefit. I don't understand worthless, dangerous, and expesive activities meant to pad the ego and keep up with the joneses. I don't understand dogma at any level. So to my eyes, most social structure is contrived,useless bullsh!t.

This makes me an easy mark of sociopaths, who mirror my ideals to make the,selves appear as upstanding people. I don't always catch this until too late.

I am outraged because being the big man, taking the high road, doing the right thing, gets you sh!t on. Like in Thich's anger book, I practiced compassion, in the face of vicious attacks. I tried to see the immense suffering. For predititors, this does not work. I went to huge, huge lengths to show compassion, and it only got me shat on and attacked.  So Thich's advice is worthless in this case.

So, I think empathy, real empathy, is a two edge sword. It is one thing to see the suffering, it is another to empathize with the hostile predatory nature of a LOT of people. When people ~ on others that look after their backside, they need to be placed in the trash bin. Humanity has no need for such garbage. It is people like this that has destroyed this country and impoverished 10s of millions, and has kept us in wars for over 10 years. I empathize alright. I know I am (or was)an easy mark for such scum.

[maria1]

I think that the problem is so many people are messed up in a really bad way and they have no desire to change the stuff in themselves that hurts other people.

I got a lot of comfort from the woman in the first episode of the Self Acceptance Project exposing why we are all so messed up and hating ourselves. At least we have seen it and know there's a different way of being, that our behaviours can be relearned so that we don't just pass down our crap to the next generation. We are the lucky ones.

I think you are right about the horrible people wanting to mirror your goodness. They should be trying to change but they won't because they don't have that capacity.

The people who do have that capacity seem to be few and far between in the real world. I'm still looking. It's a lonely place to be.

[arabella]

I am outraged because being the big man, taking the high road, doing the right thing, gets you sh!t on. Like in Thich's anger book, I practiced compassion, in the face of vicious attacks. I tried to see the immense suffering. For predititors, this does not work. I went to huge, huge lengths to show compassion, and it only got me shat on and attacked.  So Thich's advice is worthless in this case.

So, I think empathy, real empathy, is a two edge sword. It is one thing to see the suffering, it is another to empathize with the hostile predatory nature of a LOT of people. When people **** on others that look after their backside, they need to be placed in the trash bin. Humanity has no need for such garbage. It is people like this that has destroyed this country and impoverished 10s of millions, and has kept us in wars for over 10 years. I empathize alright. I know I am (or was)an easy mark for such scum.

I take a slightly different view, I think. Or maybe we take the same view and I will just be expressing it differently? I take great pains to practice compassion and to be empathetic. But that is for ME. It see it similarly to forgiveness. I do it for my own benefit. So those people that I empathize with? Some of them I will have nothing to do with. They are, as you say, the bottom-feeders of humanity. I feel badly that they are stuck in that place within themselves. They will never see their potential, and they will never get better, and they will live their entire lives filled with desperation and grasping and hatred and penetrating sadness. And they will not know why. I do feel sorry for them. I also feel that they are best left to their own devices far, far away from my life. The limit of my compassion is a lack of retaliation on my part - they should be grateful for that. Yes, I feel bad for them but that does not mean I will tolerate their crap, nor does it mean I will try to help them. They can't be helped - and that's sad too, but sometimes you just have to save yourself.

[Maryiscontrary]

I know this, I know this. What I am not sure is being understood is that I HAVE A BLINDNESS to being able to recognize social intent before I get badly injured. I cant process this information well.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I know this, I know this. What I am not sure is being understood is that I HAVE A BLINDNESS to being able to recognize social intent before I get badly injured. I cant process this information well.

That must be incredibly difficult, and I think it is crappy you have to deal with that.  I really do.

How can any of us know the true intent of someone, but ourselves?  I'm not sure we can.  What makes sense to me is, what can I do to trust myself first and take care of myself?  This will help in who I decide to let in to my life.  Taking time to get to know people is important... . sometimes maybe a long time.  But maybe more important is taking time first to get to know myself.

I still believe it is ok to practice compassion regardless, but with boundaries.  Like Arabella said, compassion doesn't equal becoming a doormat.  I would argue the opposite if I am practicing boundaries.  You talk a lot about boundaries, and you are on to something big there.

All I can say is I still believe there are people worthy of my time.  It sucks you've been hurt and taken advantage of.  That is not fair and life is not fair.  Regardless, you show great strength and courage, and I think you are on the right track.  Don't give up.

[arabella]

I see what you're saying now, maryiscontrary. That's very hard indeed. Hmm... .  

For myself, I am trying to decide if I get my boundaries in order and if I dump my codependency issues - will that keep me from being injured? I guess I'm wondering if the problem is not so much my compassion or my actions so much as it is a failure to set boundaries protecting me from other people's intrusions. Could I create enough boundaries or safety mechanisms to keep most of the damage from happening in the first place? I think quite often my hurt stems from my expectations of others. I am nice to them, I expect them to be nice in return. I'm learning that isn't how it works (unfortunately). But then I wonder what sort of life I'll be living if I just expect crap from everyone I encounter. I don't really want to be living in suspicion and fear all the time. So there must be a way to balance, I just haven't quite figured out how it works yet.  (Sorry, that probably wasn't helpful to you at all!)

[Maryiscontrary]

I have been working on this for so long. I just don't know when these feelings will get processed and attenuated. I think I had a serious nervous breakdown sometime in the last year, but I am not aware of it?

Anosgnosia?

All I know, is that I am operating at what seems to be a lower capacity than before. I get small windows of opportunity where I am on my game, but they close up quickly. I have these really reasonable strategies, but I am very slow to execute, as compared before. This. Is evidence that points to some sort of breakdown of large magnitude that I don't remember.

[fromheeltoheal]

Good thread, I can relate.  I too have had weak boundaries in the past.  I've been too open, to vulnerable, too sharing, because my heart is in the right place and I'm giving other people what I want and need, but only some of them reciprocate and/or are supportive.  Another part is my FOO, which was entirely functional on a superficial level, but was completely void of emotional content; we all just went through the motions, so I didn't get good at identifying people who were out to do me wrong, or at least not care about me.

So for me lately it's about boundaries and selection.  Sure, I can erect ironclad boundaries around myself, which keeps the hurt out, but also puts me in my own prison.  I say the key is to be more present and aware as I develop relationships with people, and yes, get selfish, focus on my needs instead of theirs for a change, and if they pass my criteria, I'm going to choose to trust, and choose to be vulnerable, and choose to be open, because that's where life happens, through connection.  There are no guarantees, but by focusing on my needs, which is against my nature, I can choose who to let in, and those are healthy boundaries.

[mamachelle]

Hey Maryiscontrary,

I don't post often here--- but who can resist a post with vulcanized rubber in the title.    Just a few thoughts... .  I think that putting in a floor and working like that could also trigger muscle memory and bring out the rage. I have experienced similar things just mopping my floor at home.

I have a quote I love from Maya Angelou:

Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.

I can say though that anger is one thing, but self-righteous indignation for long periods of time will only blind you to what is going on now. I find when I am in that state of mind, I spout off to others and they agree with me... .  and so i think hey, we are all on the same page... .  only to find out that they are really on their own path and may be just as wimpy and annoying or even dangerous themselves... .  or extremely wonderful and don't know what the hell I am so angry about. In  other words-- continuing to hold the anger in front of me- I bulldoze through life, it becomes a screen that I see all new r/s with... .  and it's no way to live and to heal

 mamachelle

[maria1]

BUT... .  it takes time to get to know people properly. Some people, and these can be the worst sort, appear to be different to what they actually are. These people's true colours emerge in time. There is a risk to take in getting close to people, because you have to let down a little of the barriers to get to know people. That doesn't mean letting boundaries go; it means lowering some barriers. That's hard when you've put the defenses up pretty tight.

We can eliminate the obvious horrors by seeing the red flags. But some people end up letting you down anyway. It's a risk we take in trusting people. Trust is about allowing people in and being vulnerable. Being vulnerable means just that- you lay yourself open to hurt and abuse. It's always a risk. We can lessen the risk but we cannot eliminate the risk altogether.

[fromheeltoheal]

I agree maria, as I mentioned, there are no guarantees, but life without real connection is empty, so it's worth the risk.

I used to go into relationships with anyone open and vulnerable, and in hindsight innocent and naive, and that's where my r/s with my BPD ex really helped; if I continue to do that with the wrong people, I could get royally screwed, to the point that it is literally life threatening, so being present and aware in future r/s is taking appropriate caution, but at some point I get to take a leap of faith and trust.  There are still no guarantees, but there's no juice without true connection either.

[mamachelle]

I just saw these two posts- guess I kind of jumped to the bottom when I felt like I had a little bit to share--

I know this, I know this. What I am not sure is being understood is that I HAVE A BLINDNESS to being able to recognize social intent before I get badly injured. I cant process this information well.

I have been working on this for so long. I just don't know when these feelings will get processed and attenuated. I think I had a serious nervous breakdown sometime in the last year, but I am not aware of it?

Anosgnosia?

All I know, is that I am operating at what seems to be a lower capacity than before. I get small windows of opportunity where I am on my game, but they close up quickly. I have these really reasonable strategies, but I am very slow to execute, as compared before. This. Is evidence that points to some sort of breakdown of large magnitude that I don't remember.

Maryiscontrary,

I'm not familiar enough with your story... .  sorry. Are you in therapy? Depression can and will eat away at your day to day levels of functioning and can effect memory as well. If you've been through trauma as well this can cause these types of feelings. Also not sure if you've ever had testing done for social information processing. I'm a mom and a couple of my kids are on the autism spectrum and struggle with social interactions though if you talked to them you might not realize it at first. Again, apologies if I am just completely out of the loop on your story. Just kinda concerned about these 2 posts.

mamachelle

[Maryiscontrary]

I am very much in debt to all of you.

I really wanted to reflect on these very violent feelings, and also what all of you have offered.

Most of my life has been spent in excruciating pain. From congenital issues, to developmental issues, to extreme isolation, extreme poverty, to physical pain, and being alienated from the social structure of the world. I went without basic needs on so many levels. I could never figure out why I was always on the losing end of the stick. Always being passed over for jobs despite outstanding results, being slapped down every time I reached out for help. Over medicated with dangerous ~ that damaged me, and did not produce any beneficial results.

Therapist after therapist who did not get me, and had no training with trauma. Struggling and struggling. Planning suicide because I felt like hell (due to unknown autoimmune issue) and having no insurance, no support, despite a sh!t tonn of good Kharma I had built up. I never stole, never betrayed, was always dependable, and very good with money, and I saw rotten sons of btches who were parolled murderers around here having an easy life, compared to mine. They weren't starving. I was.

I had long childhood friends that had no education, who were ex escorts, and drug dealers doing better than me. I had family members who would get smashed every night, and lie cheat and steal, who were doing better than me, and traveling the world.

People do not understand how bad it can get here in the US. I though so called God hated me and had it out for me. Zero, and I mean zero support.

The only real transgression I had was not being able to read intentions better. Being an ASPIE. I am so angry at this environment that wanted to get rid of me. I knew I was better, and I knew I was very misunderstood.

It was after I got a handle on things that I realized the core offensive problem was not me. It was the fact I was living at an extremely different core set of values where hard work pays off, loyalty being the glue of families, communities, and that basic integrity was a foundation of life.

Silly me! The vast majority of people you come across are brainless swine with zero moral compass. Really, you can see how hitler was able to manipulate the masses.  These are people who will damage you sooner or later, because of their poor, herd like judgement and a general lack of integrity. I cannot afford to be around these type of people. They will stab you in the back, usually under the spell of a narcissist or a sociopath. They do their dirty work.

I see, in my world, things as being very out of control. SHTF in a 360 degree direction. People are frightening, unpredictable, and behave in a reckless way in my world. I don't share values on many core levels.

I mean, I have tried to work on the intense hurt I feel when I realize what scumbags people can be and are.  This is empathy. And this greatly collides with any faith that I had in the goodness of man. There are good people, but these few numbers are a small majority within a huge pool of collective insanity. I have really tried to work on this anger. I am so angry at the years of invalidation, and being treated like a freak, and the extreme hardship and loss, that I don't see how I can ever let this one go.

Really, I would be an idiot to merge contractual and or financial ties. Just a license to be stolen from. The trauma has deeply affected my core. You think you have control of your life, think again. There is very, very little we can control.

[tcevans78]

So I haven't read all the posts here. Just the first couple few. 

When I was working with my art therapist, she would take a feeling further.  So, if we hit on something like anger, she had a path out of the anger for me to follow to lead me to some other place.  Not that anger is bad.  It's just not the end of the healing journey.  I once contacted an art therapist and when discussing price she said that it's important to be sure you can afford it because art therapy is so effective at digging up painful things in a very intense way and it's dangerous to stop mid-way.  It can leave you worse than when you started- and all those negative emotions were sort of dormant. 

What I mean to say here is - what's next?  Do you have a plan?  A place to turn for ideas for some next steps?  For example, when I was doing my session and hit a place where my body felt full of black smoke and my lungs were burning and I felt as though I was choking, (and I was drawing this emotion - just like you were painting yours), she had me imagine myself in the vulnerable spot that was causing my pain.  I took the image of the small girl and placed her in my heart and loved and accepted her for who she was in that moment.  I forgave her for being vulnerable.  I imagined a bucket of blue paint or light representing forgiveness being poured over my head and body, filling me, and filling my heart. And surrounding the little girl with forgiveness. 

The key for me in that moment was not to forgive my perpetrator - but to forgive myself for being a victim.  Maybe you can get some guidance on how to come up with an art project to create something representative of yourself in the moment you were victimized, and a ritual of forgiveness.  Or something.  That's not meant to be bad therapy advice, I just mean that you have hit on something huge here.  What will you do with it to allow yourself the freedom from this pain, and have the peace you deserve? 

I also believe that needy people or critical people aren't necessarily trying to drag you down.  Yes, it feels that way.  And their bull cr@p does have that effect.  Rather, I believe people are just trying to make their own lives feel better the only ways they know how.  Belittle others to feel better about themselves (even if the belittling comment is a lie), or whine for attention from this insanely talented lady you know - because if you are giving him attention he gets to feel pretty special. 

On the other hand - I don't disagree that there are mentally sick people who do terrible, terrible things.  I'm related to those kinds of people. 

[LoveNotWar]

Many years ago my dad told me you can't go to heaven with hate in your heart. Don't know what I believe about heaven but that has stuck with me.

Like Arabella I practice compassion and empathy for me not for anyone else. If it happens to make the world a little better that's OK too but I want to feel calm, peaceful and happy. I want to be able to detach from the anger and greet every day with joy. It's how I want to live.

[Maryiscontrary]

Again, thank you for your extensive response, as well as for you rest of the posters as well.

What it is, I think, after even more reflection, is that I am constructing a personality. I have written for 6 or more months how much I was dissociating, checked out. When I start to come out of this fugue, I go into this rage. Lol, like a screaming newborn.


I think this is a developmental biological stage.

I did not realize how disorganized I was until recently. Horribly fragmented because of trauma. This new personality is much different. I will compare it to a typical Clint Eastwood character. I speak maybe 10-20% of the words in a conversation. I am far less chatty than what I used to be. I have lost a lot of my sense of humor. Zero BS tolerance. Less polite. When I am engrossed in my project, I will partially block out company, instead of putting it down and focussing on the conversation. I had all of these artificial rules of cordial behavior, which came off stilted. No more. A lot less cordial behavior. It is not me.

I used to be more generous. Nope, have closed the door 80% on that. I used to behave at what what expected of me, but since I have a defunct theory of mind, I gave up that useless crap.

I invest a lot into myself, and my personal quality of life, and much less into others, since other people are so unreliable and unstable, and do not know what the hell they are talking about.

I go to public functions, joe q public functions, and realize that I am the thinnest, best looking (see explanation below) , healthiest person in the room, including teenagers. Americans look like hell, with huge obesity rates, rotting teeth, and ashen skin, dull eyes, and brittle hair.  This isn't being a model, having plastic surgery, dressing well, or even being fashionable... .  no, this is looking like your not going to fall over with a coronary in the next five minutes. Americans are in a sorry assed state. All of their own doing.


And having to be statistically the smartest person in the room. Again, I am talking about basic analytical ability, basic reading and math skills, basic problem solving skills. I am not talking formal education. Sitting and talking with the millionaires, who are proficient in oil and farming business alone, they eat up CNBC and Bloomberg dogma and are dumber that a bucket of bricks. And their wealth is very, very fragile. And these are the smarter people. otherwise, I have to listen to retarded right and left wing sloganeering, and religious dogma. Which make no sense and have no basis in reality, other than mass media and social pressures told them to believe it.

So the real me is quite arrogant, impatient, and thinks people are full of BS. The real me is quite cold blooded, maybe 80% of the time, with 20% softy. The real me see social stratification, peacock displays and good old boy connections as totally phony. The real me will tell some SOB, without regard to rank, to kiss my ass.

Art, beauty, well oiled operations, and sincerity are the only thing that have salience at all to me.

And you guys are sincere.

[arabella]

tcevans78 - that was really insightful, thank you for sharing that perspective! Forgiving ourselves for being a victim - yes. Those 'next steps' in healing are not so easy to come by and I think we sometime forget to do the work to get there (or, at least, I do). I always think it should be easier than it is but I've found my personal development does not come 'naturally' for me. It's WORK and I have to consciously pursue it.

Mary - Do you think being an Aspie (hope you don't mind that I'm using your term!) may add an extra layer of difficulty for you in being productive with your anger or moving past it to the next part of healing? I have a friend who has a similar issue - she doesn't process in quite the same way as most people and it takes a lot more work and assistance for her to understand and use her emotions in a way that is helpful to her. I don't know, I just thought I'd mention it - it might not fit for you, so just ignore if it that's the case!

Your world view seems very black/white - either entirely under control or entirely chaos. Is it possible to move to a place where there is some control and some chaos? I think you're halfway there, you know that there is a lot you can't control. But you do control yourself and, although it may look like others get ahead, would you truly be better off if you did the things they did? Sure, you could lie, cheat, steal, sell drugs to children, whatever - but then you have to live with yourself afterward. Maybe they don't feel remorse (maybe they do?) but I know I would. At the end of the day I am the only one I have to live with and be accountable to. You've also put up boundaries re contractual and financial ties - good for you! You are controlling how much energy your invest into yourself vs others. So some of that control is seeping into your life... .  

Also? I agree that it is immensely frustrating to be able to see past the glossy facade - the layers underneath are usually very disappointing indeed.

[Maryiscontrary]

Again, yours and others feedback is priceless to me. Again, please accept my gratitude. All of you. You are truly awesome folks.

You bet it takes an assload of effort to process social behavior and others declarative emotional narrative. It is freaking hell. Its like dyslexia slows down reading. No fast moves or furtive gestures, ! The slow moving Buddhist monks, everything in slow motion, it about the pace I process. Not lot of moving parts, but man, do those parts run well.

I do not see things in black or white. I just don't. But I do see the straw that breaks the camels back, alright. I do see when I boundary has been violated egregiously, there is a point of no return.

[Suzn]

Everything you speak of that happened with these people, wasn't fair, was it? It's not fair that we do everything in our power to be "good" and we are not recognized for it, we sometimes perceive that we aren't reaping any benefits for our hard work. Here's a hard truth, we may have been victims in the past, as in our childhoods when we had no control over our lives, however today, we are adults and are in full control of the outcome of our choices that drive our lives.

Mary you are right, we as your fellow members, are sincere. We care about you. True friends tell it to you straight. This anger and rage you speak of are simply a mask to the underlying emotion and my guess is it's hurt. Anger is a secondary emotion, we feel another emotion first and anger is an easy emotion to jump to when we don't, or can't, deal with what's lying beneath. Anger is easier. Lashing out is easy. Impulsiveness is easy. True strength comes with facing these emotions, feeling them and accepting that we need self imposed discipline to control our own behaviors and our emotions going too far to extremes. We are the only ones we can control.

You have seemingly, inherently, "taken on" all the pains of society, all the "bad". This is an overwhelming concept. Yes, there is bad in this world, a lot of bad, but there IS good too and many grey areas in between.

Wallowing in your anger is an essential step in recovery Mary, you will hear other advisors and myself say take a bath in that anger till you are done, it's necessary, then, there needs to come a point where you start looking deeper within to move forward. Otherwise we are stuck and we remain stuck in a victim mentality. This is a choice, a conscious choice, once we understand it.

So here's my challenge for you, you are the driver of this bus called your life, what now? How will you take charge? What options do you see where you can dive into taking responsibility for your life going forward? This is your recovery, you get to choose.

[Maryiscontrary]

Suzn, I am not taking on any of the worlds issues. I just don't process social signals well, and they are painful. When combined with BS, like inane, incorrect, and wasteful interactions, I find it offensive. I don't share core values.

Listen, if you are told all of your life that 2 + 2 = 3, with fervent arrogant, sometimes violent insistence, wouldnt you get fed up with the invalidation one day and just lovingly tell the person to STFU?

Suzn, go read some posts on on the forum, Wrong Planet. You will find how utterly offensive and deceitful the social world is perceived by the posters there. The tricks and slights of hand that are perceived. I am telling you this so that maybe you can see this perspective a little clearer.

This rage is quite dangerous, so I was always told to shut up. I am not shutting up. I am not sorry. And anyone who tries to invalidate my reality, which is at least "reality tested" and examined, and go straight to hell. My problem what that I did not have the mechanisms available to understand how to erect boundaries and get rid of nefarious player quick enough.


Guys, thing about this, these jokers youve had in your life sitting there mirroring you, telling you what you want to hear, are riding on your coattails. They are perching up on you like a cat on a narrow limb. Like big fat ticks on a cows butt.

They will gaslight, and I suppose I am very, very adverse to those patterns right now.

I think this is part of coming out of the fugue.

[Suzn]

I just don't process social signals well, and they are painful. When combined with BS, like inane, incorrect, and wasteful interactions, I find it offensive. I don't share core values.

Listen, if you are told all of your life that 2 + 2 = 3, with fervent arrogant, sometimes violent insistence, wouldnt you get fed up with the invalidation one day and just lovingly tell the person to STFU?

I understand, these situations can be painful. Being invalidated doesn't feel good. I have gotten fed up plenty of times, I hear ya. Would I tell someone who is invalidating to STFU? No, not today. I would chose to distance myself instead. Everyone gets to have their opinion. A lot of us don't share core values and an opinion is just that, an opinion. If I chose to be offended and get angry about it then that's a choice "I" made. I can chose instead to hear an opinion without taking it personally. This has taken a lot of practice and I can't say I'm perfect at this, however, I work on it.  

We were all raised differently and have different perspectives. I can't fault someone for that, today. If I said I've never faulted someone for their opinion I would be a liar, I certainly have, today I try to see their perspective even if I don't agree. On the flip side, people fault our opinions plenty out there as you have seen. That's on them. If they don't know how to handle a differing opinion, well, we get to chose not to take that on.  

Now whenever I feel anger welling up over someone's opinion I try to stop and ask myself "what's really going on here, with me?" Do I feel slighted? Did I just take something personally where I shouldn't? Did that hurt my feelings? I try to identify the emotion behind it. That way I can respond more appropriately. Hope that helps.

[fromheeltoheal]

I've gotten pretty good at this age of dealing with invalidating people I just met; I can now tell them literally STFU or just leave, and feel zero guilt.  I couldn't do any of that in my youth, and this feels better.

The challenge I still have is further on down the path of a relationship with someone.  Lately I've focused on does this person care about me?  Are they competing with me or trying to express some significance?  What's the motivation?  Having those real conversations about what was said and why, and how it made me feel, is still difficult.  But something that is making it easier is my newfound wisdom regarding selection; in my naivety I used to treat everyone the same and treat them the way I want to be treated.  Well, some people are willing and able, some aren't.  For me it's about being much more present and aware as I get to know someone, to see if there's hope moving forward; the group of people I'm compatible with is relatively small I've learned, and that's OK, I only need a few people I'm close to.

[Maryiscontrary]

Guys, I honestly think think that this is part of the developmental process. Heel, do you share this same sensation?

It feels like something is trying to come online. Like some functional neural module. You know when your PC does a diagnostic, or if you do the test print on your printer. Or like testing the audio on stereo equipment. It feels like that. Violent and intense emotional states. Limited calibration. just like that.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yup, I feel like I'm in a major growth spurt right now mary, motivated by my time in BPD hell, so I consider it a blessing.

For me it's straightforward; putting my own needs first for a change.  The way I've always been is focus on other people's needs, be nice, try to fit in, and eventually my needs will get met.  Course never told anyone what those needs were mind you.  So now it's about focusing on me and my needs, which felt selfish at first, but i had to realize if I'm not getting my needs met the relationship or friendship won't work out anyway, and being up front about it is more honest.  And ASKING for what I need.  New behavior for a people pleaser like me, and it's new territory, an unsure time, but it's right for me, finally, and I've already noticed progress, so we're on the right track.

[Want2know]

Guys, I honestly think think that this is part of the developmental process.

What do you mean by experiencing the rage you are feeling as part of the developmental process?

[Maryiscontrary]

That is correct. Part of the developmental process of establishing new pathways and firing patterns.

[Want2know]

Sorry for chiming in late here, Mary... .  

So, you think that what you are going through now will lead you somewhere that you've never been before, as far as thought processes and emotional responses, by allowing yourself to express the anger and rage?

I read an article from the APA, granted it is simplified for the masses, but it makes some good points about anger.  One thing in particular that I read that seems to pertain to what you are describing was this:

"Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior."

Link to article - www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx?item=2

What I found interesting about that statement and what you experienced when vulcanizing your trailer is that connection between doing something constructive, and feeling the extreme rage while doing it. 

Another thing said in the article was this:

"Research has found that "letting it rip" with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you're angry with) resolve the situation.

It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge."

It seems you understand where your anger comes from, and generally what triggers it.  If you can continue with ways to express your anger constructively, you may be able to work through it to get you to a more peaceful place.

[slimmiller]

I invest a lot into myself, and my personal quality of life, and much less into others, since other people are so unreliable and unstable, and do not know what the hell they are talking about.

I go to public functions, joe q public functions, and realize that I am the thinnest, best looking (see explanation below) , healthiest person in the room, including teenagers. Americans look like hell, with huge obesity rates, rotting teeth, and ashen skin, dull eyes, and brittle hair.  This isn't being a model, having plastic surgery, dressing well, or even being fashionable... .  no, this is looking like your not going to fall over with a coronary in the next five minutes. Americans are in a sorry assed state. All of their own doing.


And having to be statistically the smartest person in the room. Again, I am talking about basic analytical ability, basic reading and math skills, basic problem solving skills. I am not talking formal education. Sitting and talking with the millionaires, who are proficient in oil and farming business alone, they eat up CNBC and Bloomberg dogma and are dumber that a bucket of bricks. And their wealth is very, very fragile. And these are the smarter people. otherwise, I have to listen to retarded right and left wing sloganeering, and religious dogma. Which make no sense and have no basis in reality, other than mass media and social pressures told them to believe it.

So the real me is quite arrogant, impatient, and thinks people are full of BS. The real me is quite cold blooded, maybe 80% of the time, with 20% softy. The real me see social stratification, peacock displays and good old boy connections as totally phony. The real me will tell some SOB, without regard to rank, to kiss my ass.

Art, beauty, well oiled operations, and sincerity are the only thing that have salience at all to me.

And you guys are sincere.

Wow! While I dont want to detract from where this convo is going further down... .  I just had to take a moment to say your comments, while probably not meant to, invoked a genuine chuckle from me in one sense but I can also relate 100%. I

[slimmiller]

Oops premature sent... .  

I was raised in America in a subculture (Amish) and then have had the opportunity to live for a time in Europe and because of that conditioning I have had what you say makes sense. I can totally see your point of view in one a way.

Because of my past and the culture that shaped me, I find BPD too fake in many ways. A 'cop out' if you will.

Honestly I too find myself with ZERO tolerence since I have been exposed to BPD. maybe that exposure is the catalyist for the change in us... .  

[Suzn]

I did not realize how disorganized I was until recently. Horribly fragmented because of trauma. This new personality is much different. I will compare it to a typical Clint Eastwood character. I speak maybe 10-20% of the words in a conversation. I am far less chatty than what I used to be. I have lost a lot of my sense of humor. Zero BS tolerance. Less polite. When I am engrossed in my project, I will partially block out company, instead of putting it down and focussing on the conversation. I had all of these artificial rules of cordial behavior, which came off stilted. No more. A lot less cordial behavior. It is not me.

I used to be more generous. Nope, have closed the door 80% on that. I used to behave at what what expected of me, but since I have a defunct theory of mind, I gave up that useless crap.

I invest a lot into myself, and my personal quality of life, and much less into others, since other people are so unreliable and unstable, and do not know what the hell they are talking about.

So the real me is quite arrogant, impatient, and thinks people are full of BS. The real me is quite cold blooded, maybe 80% of the time, with 20% softy. The real me see social stratification, peacock displays and good old boy connections as totally phony. The real me will tell some SOB, without regard to rank, to kiss my ass.

I get it, coming online, you're getting to know who you are. Are you angry with yourself in part for being passive in the past? Or angry that this is what has become of the trauma of your past? Maybe a combination. Break it down for you.

I go to public functions, joe q public functions, and realize that I am the thinnest, best looking (see explanation below) , healthiest person in the room, including teenagers. Americans look like hell, with huge obesity rates, rotting teeth, and ashen skin, dull eyes, and brittle hair.  This isn't being a model, having plastic surgery, dressing well, or even being fashionable... .  no, this is looking like your not going to fall over with a coronary in the next five minutes. Americans are in a sorry assed state. All of their own doing.

And having to be statistically the smartest person in the room. Again, I am talking about basic analytical ability, basic reading and math skills, basic problem solving skills. I am not talking formal education. Sitting and talking with the millionaires, who are proficient in oil and farming business alone, they eat up CNBC and Bloomberg dogma and are dumber that a bucket of bricks. And their wealth is very, very fragile. And these are the smarter people. otherwise, I have to listen to retarded right and left wing sloganeering, and religious dogma. Which make no sense and have no basis in reality, other than mass media and social pressures told them to believe it.

This is what I was speaking of when I said "taking on" society's pains. You've given this a lot of thought, many adjectives in your descriptions here. There's nothing wrong to coming to grips with what people have become in this country and frankly the pains in the world at large. There are movements to self sustained communities happening all over right now. Interesting how people are starting to see how self awareness and compassion for others works. They project hope for change in simply being and working together. My point is we can get wrapped up in all that's going on outside of us, it can be a distraction, it can distract us from focusing on ourselves. 

It's good to see a world bigger than us, it can produce wonder. On the extreme flip side it can produce debilitating fear and anger. For me, I focus more on my little world now, I know the big one is there with all the pains. I chose to find a balance with my personal growth and what brings me joy in this life I was given. We all know we are going to hear about the bad, with the news and social media so why not attempt to bring in some of the good? We have the power to do this, we have free will. Thoughts are powerful, they can affect us on a subconscious level.

Art, beauty, well oiled operations, and sincerity are the only thing that have salience at all to me.

This is a profound statement really, this is also who you are, it may help to focus a little more of your energy here, cultivating more of a balance in your little slice of the world. 

[Maryiscontrary]

Again, after reflecting on these great and well articulated remarks, I would like to respond.

Want2know, I am fully aware of the studies of this sort. I know this, and ultimately it is correct, I don't think this issues lays within that realm. I don't think I have articulated how concretely offensive and insulting dealing with my family, corporate hacks, people I thought were my friends, and just people in general. I have been the big man here, stepping up. Giving forebearance galaore to asss... .  

And then to Suzn

... .  and I realized I am not angry with myself. I was busting my ass always working with adapting, and trying to get along with the absolute, most sober effort possible. I don't read social signals well. And there are evil people will home in on that and try to destroy you. I am not angry with myself, as I have been working on this for Many years. The problem was I did not know just how low people will stoop, and how these people will destroy your life.

I take insults I have described like this very, very hard, because peoples behaviors are already chaotic to me.

All I know is that after a year of  fugue, I am waking up, and having explosive anger, coupled with bouts of depression, but it comes in and out like a short circuit. I went driving, in an area with miles of red plowed soil and zillions of wind turbines. Of course, the skys are super blue, the mesquites are super lime green, the clouds are ultra Charmin fluffy and super white, the dirt roads always have this reddish white glow, when the sun is full out. It is like an acid trip.

[Maryiscontrary]

And slim miller, you are right. I think it is very important to have zero tolerance when you are trying to stem the onslaught on people trying to screw up your life.

[Want2know]

I went driving, in an area with miles of red plowed soil and zillions of wind turbines. Of course, the skys are super blue, the mesquites are super lime green, the clouds are ultra Charmin fluffy and super white, the dirt roads always have this reddish white glow, when the sun is full out. It is like an acid trip.

You paint an amazing picture... .  I love those moments!  Truly awe inspiring.

I take insults I have described like this very, very hard, because peoples behaviors are already chaotic to me.

All I know is that after a year of  fugue, I am waking up, and having explosive anger, coupled with bouts of depression, but it comes in and out like a short circuit.

So, what do you think you want to do about this?  What are your next steps?

[Phoenix.Rising]

I appreciate your vivid descriptions, and I believe you are 'coming online'.  Keep on truckin', sister.

[Maryiscontrary]

I wanted to think about this a few days before I got back. I felt a fogginess, really shake off, similar to when you wake up in a stupor from a deep sleep or a hangover. I am extremely hurt by my brother, and over the weekend, did the mental cutting off.

You know what's really funny? The people who gaslight the worst, are the people who themselves have faulty perceptions, aka delusions. The more violent and fervent the gaslighting, the more delusional the idiot. it's great to have things in common, but the harder the mirroring, the more delusional the idiot.

I suppose I reality test to the extreme, being a scientist at heart. I suppose my shock and existential crisis arise from the fact that my FOO and most others around me are highly deluded. I am fine with that, until it crosses over into gaslighting. I will not deal with crazy stupid people, the blind sheep they are. If gaslighting occurs, I will castrate, pure and simple. I will make the process of gaslighting very painful for the perpetrator, so that it ceases immediately.

I am coming out of the PTSD checked out dissociation. I was alert all of yesterday, which is the first time that I can recently remember.

[Maryiscontrary]

And thank you. All of you. Very much.

[Maryiscontrary]

guys... .  

3 days and NO DISSOCIATION!

YEAH!

[fromheeltoheal]

WooHoo!  Congratulations!

[arabella]

 

Aaaand... .  she's back, folks! Sounds like you're really starting to heal, Mary!

[Maryiscontrary]

You guys are totally awesome. Thank you so much. I have gotten so much work done these last few days. It feels great to be awake.

[maria1]

Wow! 

[Phoenix.Rising]

Mary, That's awesome!  Keep up the great work.  It's surely paying off.  I'm thrilled for you.

[Maryiscontrary]

Now if I can figure out how to insert the vulcanized trailer pics via HTML, we will all be set.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Try this:

www.wikihow.com/Insert-Images-with-HTML

There is an insert image button in the 'Post reply' box.  The code is fairly simple, so once your image is in PhotoBucket or something similar, you should be able to create a 'hot link'.  I was looking into some of this the other day.

[Maryiscontrary]

But I do not have photobucket or anything like that. Nor do I want an account. I will figure it out soon.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Yeah, I understand not wanting an account. 

If it's an image on your personal computer, it's a bit more complicated, I believe.  If the image is already on the web with a URL, it's pretty easy to do.

[Maryiscontrary]

Guys, I am sorry. I cannot upload photos in this php configuration that the webmaster has it set on. I really want to show you these photos, because this treatment is cutting edge technology, but more importantly, it was applied and created while in extreme, almost homicidal  rage.