Should I give her a taste of her own medicine?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

i know its immature, but my ex has caused me so much Misery... .  i want to make her pay. i want to embarass her. i want to tell her shes crazy and has BPD and should be hospitalized and that her dad is a real piece of work... .  that her whole family is dysfunctional and everyone in her family has depression and alcoholism and she wonders why i dont like it when i see her drink? her parents ARE OK with her smoking cigarettes! for them tobacco and alcohol=good; pot=bad what the heck? Want to mail her mom walking on eggshells. F that whole Family... .  yes i hope she dies and i hope she burns in hell!

[WillSurvive420]

i know its immature, but my ex has caused me so much Misery... .  i want to make her pay. i want to embarass her. i want to tell her shes crazy and has BPD and should be hospitalized and that her dad is a real piece of work... .  that her whole family is dysfunctional and everyone in her family has depression and alcoholism and she wonders why i dont like it when i see her drink? her parents ARE OK with her smoking cigarettes! for them tobacco and alcohol=good; pot=bad what the heck? Want to mail her mom walking on eggshells. F that whole Family... .  yes i hope she dies and i hope she burns in hell!

[MontyD]

Confucius says,

"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves"

Monty

[AllyCat7]

The best revenge is ignoring them and letting go. If you continue to engage, even if it's to get even, it will just prove that you are still stuck on her and it will feed her ego. Anyway, let karma take care of it. Karma NEVER fails to even the score. And the best part about it is that you don't even have to lift a finger! Meanwhile, you can focus all your energies on healing, getting better, and personal growth.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Attention of any kind is like gas in their fuel tank. Positive, negative- it doesn't matter, it's what they NEED. Ignoring them is the best way to get back at them. If you take revenge, then they get to play the victim, and you will be the ultimate villain their new Knight needs to defeat with his/her love. Pretend like they don't exist, because what you thought was inside them at first was never there to begin with. Let them struggle with all those fears inside of them. Let them think YOU erased them for a change. And honestly, maybe you should. Forgive, then, forget.

[bewildered2]

the best way to giver her a taste of her own medecine is to just disappear.

let her always wonder where you are, what you are doing, and who you are with.

and as confucius said, "sit on the bank of the riverside, and eventually the body of your enemy will float by".

they dont like to be ignored!

b2

[goldylamont]

WS420, a chapter from the book below really helped me to understand why i get angry and some good things to do to channel it. The last thing anyone wants to hear when they are angry is that they need to be calm and nice and to forgive and forget about it. I almost think it's a slap in the face to ask any angry person to forgive and forget. anyways, hope the following helps--just remember, you're anger and desire for revenge aren't "bad", but are trying to tell you something, take some time to reflect on them before acting out. you'll find ways to honor those emotions in ways that bring you less harm than directly acting out on them:

Chapter 12: Anger Protection and Restoration Includes Rage, Fury, and the Healing of Trauma



GIFTS Honor ~ Conviction ~ Proper boundaries ~ Protection of yourself and others ~ Healthy detachment

THE INTERNAL QUESTIONS What must be protected? What must be restored?

SIGNS OF OBSTRUCTION Repressive: Enmeshment, self-abandonment, apathy, depression, boundary loss. Expressive: Cycling rages that create harsh boundaries; hatred and prejudice; isolation

PRACTICE

Channel the fiery intensity of anger into your boundary instead of repressing it or exploding with it—then speak your truth or make your correcting actions. This will reset your boundaries in healthy ways, which will protect you and your relationships.

If I were to personify anger, I would describe it as a mix between a stalwart castle sentry and an ancient sage. Anger sets your boundaries by walking the perimeter of your soul and keeping an eye on you, the people around you, and your environment. If your boundaries are broken (through the insensitivity of others or in any other way), anger comes forward to restore your sense of strength and separateness. The questions for anger are: “What must be protected?” and “What must be restored?” Both protection and restoration can occur quickly when you move anger’s heated intensity into your imaginal boundary. This gives you something immediate and honorable to do with your anger. With the intensity of anger, you can reset your boundary and restore your sense of self. All by itself, this simple movement will address your anger and circumvent any need for internal or external violence, because your boundary will be properly restored. When you’re fortified in this way, your ferocity will recede naturally, which will allow you to speak and act from a position of strength, rather than from brutality or passivity.

If you instead repress your anger, you’ll be unable to restore your boundary because you won’t have the energy you need to protect yourself; therefore, further damage will inevitably follow the initial affront. If you choose to dishonorably express your anger at the person who offended against you, your boundary will be dangerously unguarded, just as it would be if your castle sentry left his post and went out on a rampage. When your anger is used as a weapon and your territory is left without a sentry, your psyche will have to pour more anger into the situation. If you habitually express your anger, you’ll end up expressing this new infusion of anger as well, and you’ll break your boundary (and the boundaries of others) even further. This is how escalating rages and furies get started—the problem doesn’t come from the essential energy of anger, but from the unskilled and dishonorable use of anger when it arises.

When your anger flows freely, you won’t even know it’s there; it will simply help you maintain your boundaries, your inner convictions, and your healthy detachment. Free-flowing anger will allow you to laugh compassionately at yourself and set your boundary mercifully because both actions arise from the inner strength and honorable self-definition anger imparts. When your anger is not allowed its natural flow, you’ll have trouble setting and maintaining your boundary, you’ll tend to dishonor or enmesh with others, and your self-image will be imperiled by your reliance on the capricious opinions of the outside world.

McLaren, Karla (2010-06-01). The Language of Emotions.

[tailspin]

the best way to giver her a taste of her own medecine is to just disappear.

let her always wonder where you are, what you are doing, and who you are with.

and as confucius said, "sit on the bank of the riverside, and eventually the body of your enemy will float by".

they dont like to be ignored!

b2

Brilliant.  Happiness is the best revenge.  Also, there is nothing you can say or do that is worse than what she experiences every single day of her life.

tailspin

[Newton]

For once... .   I'm going to keep this simple... .  

Why would you want to hurt someone who is already in immense pain through no fault of their own?... .  

[goldylamont]

WS420, i used to have a recurring revenge nightmare where my ex would come back to my apt. to pay me back or something and when she was close i would pelt her with raw eggs, over and over. i used to wake up to this dream some mornings or it would come to me throughout the day.  

wanting revenge is normal, just means your anger is working. while you can argue that you shouldn't act out your revenge fantasies, i feel it is wrong to repress your angers. i would take steps to let this anger out... .  just be careful not to embarrass yourself in the process   to get this energy out, try using it to (re)define your boundaries, do sports and physical activities, find close friends who are not judgmental and let them know you need them to let you vent for a bit, post stuff here like you already are. there are so many things i could have done, so many words i could have said to my ex; and although i feel it all would have been completely justified, i'm glad i was able to direct these energies elsewhere--not to spare her anything, but to save myself the embarrassment and hurt  

i also may disagree with some about forgiveness and forgetting. saying "forgive them" and "forget about them" to me is counter-productive at this stage in healing of only having a few days of NC. there's no way to forget, and in time you will be able to remember this from a different perspective but not still be "in" it so that it doesn't hurt anymore. and forgiveness, from the same book i quoted above, it gave an excellent way of looking at forgiveness--forgiveness is not excusing or removing blame from the abusive person, when you are forgiving, all you are simply saying is that this abusive person can no longer hurt me. i hear friends of mine acting as if they forgive people that were abusive to them and they say "i wish them the best... .  "--yeah right. really? you wish them the best? our society doesn't deal well with what we deem to be "negative" emotions like anger and hate. and if not careful this turns into a negative repression of how you really feel. these emotions are essential to tell us that our boundaries are broken, the same way feeling pain in our bodies signal that we need to take care of a physical situation. the pain doesn't feel good, but the message the pain is giving is a signal so that we can heal.

so, give yourself some time. don't "try to forgive", futile. there will be a time, promise, where this person can no longer hurt you in any way; and in this way you would have reached true forgiveness organically.

[goldylamont]

For once... .   I'm going to keep this simple... .  

Why would you want to hurt someone who is already in immense pain through no fault of their own?... .  

well, these are adults we're talking about. even a person with BPD at some point should be accountable for their own actions. why excuse and enable this behavior? and, i feel it's natural to want to hurt someone who consciously wants to hurt us so bad.

Newton, to answer your question i would say i would want to hurt someone, regardless of their own pain, simply because they had hurt me. this is a natural emotional reaction.

but if i can give myself some space, time and perspective, i could find more tactful ways to act on these valid emotions.

[Newton]

I hope from my previous posts people will see I would never advocate enabling someone with mental illness... .  just as I wouldn't want to intentionally punish them... .  the middle ground is a difficult path to find, and tread.

We are not talking about adults... .  if we accept our partners had BPD, or strong traits we are talking about adult bodies with severly emotionally limited capabilities (within the scope of an intimate relationship)... .  I fundamentally disagree we can expect the same behaviour and thought processes from them that we can muster... .  

Therefore punishing them in order to satisfy our base reactive emotions is... .  well rather base... .  My understanding and behaviour is that now if someone desires/needs to hurt me... .  it's best I get myself the hell out of their way... .  and find some decent people to hang around with that have my best interests at heart... .  

goldylamont my question was directed towards WillSurvive420... .  we are all on different timeframes on the same path here... .  

It sounds like you and I are in agreement ... .  

[WillSurvive420]

she does have a ~ty life... .  she has one sibling who is out on the streets stealing stuff for meth... .  and the sibling has a 3 y.o. daughter who my ex feels obligated to take care of(even tho she doesnt ahve any rights to that child)... .  both her parents are drunks(if she wants to admit it or not) i call someone who drinks every day and puts a bigger priority over beer and cigarettes than they do for dental/medical care and food for their daughter an ALCOHOLIC. her dads had 2 duis and her mom had 1. her dad got in a physical altercation with her older sister... .  (nice dad) Never liked her dad... .  wasnt sure why until now... .  bc hes a scumbag whose probably the root of her BPD... .  I wanna beat the everliving ~ out of him as it wouldnt be too hard as im in tip top shape and hes got a beer belly. but thats not my job... .  thats why he has a ~ty life.(karma) shes barely graduating high school and wants to be a physical therapist... .  idk how shell get thru college without me... .  so shell prob drop out and get some ~ job and have a kid way too early like her sister and Mom... .  as for me... .  I'm going somewhere in life... .  im already in grad school and already have a B.S. from a prestigous university... .  i know eventually ill find a really really good job as long as im diligent, consistent, and patient. I feel her best chance to have a good life was with me, but she Blew it... .  a part of me is relieved that I wont be sharing her putrid genes with our offspring... .  as well as having ~ty in laws... .  another part of me misses being the center of her universe... .  i lived to make her happy for 13 months and she didnt appreciate it... .  no one ever treated her as good as me... .  and she basically said i wasnt good enough for her anymore by leaving... .  Shes a young stupid girl who is mentally ill... .  im starting to love her less and less and hate her MORE AND MORE... .  she deserves to be in the hell shes in... .  unless her next bf is a pornstar... .  shes not going to be as satisifed in the bedroom as she was with me... .  not being cocky(well i am) but its the truth... .  if theres one thing im good at it... .  its knocking the bottom out... .  maybe its my ego, but im pretty sure shes going to have a real tuff time finding someone to "FIT THE PART" . maybe im wrong, but only time will tell... .  

[Newton]

WillSurvive420 ... .  it's obvious how upset and angry you are... .  I felt like getting revenge after I'd been treated so badly... .  and yet... .  

You also wrote ... .  (re: the father) ... .  "he's a scumbag whose probably the root of her BPD"... .  and "Shes a young stupid girl who is mentally ill".

So to return to your thread topic... .  would revenge really be fair against someone who had a rotten start in life... .  ?

So you encountered a very messed up, dysfunctional family... .  that sucks, and the rest of her and their lives will probably suck unless she gets proper help. It all sounds like an absolute mess. I know you are angry, you have every right to be... .    I don't see how revenge would make you feel better when you are also claiming she is ill?

[WillSurvive420]

It wont. Just venting. Cant.break someone thats already.broken... .  she messed.up her one chance to detach from dysfunction.but she was too immature and.ill to c that i was the best thing that ever happened to.her. Its her loss. Get my.liscemce.back in 4 days. Can i get sum advice y i shudnt.contact her when cam drive... .  

[goldylamont]

ws420 do you currently have any constructive means to dissipate some of the anger you feel? anything physical, like working out, running, swimming, etc. and/or mental, such as relaxation or grounding techniques, meditation, yoga, etc.? the only way to get past the anger is to go through it, and it will subside, but it's important to try to get through it with as much dignity as you can so that you don't hurt yourself more than you already are.

i wouldn't recommend contacting her as soon as you can drive, i feel you should do both some physical and mental work to dissipate some emotions so you feel more stable before having any contact; and you will thank yourself for this by feeling stronger if/when you are ever around her again (trust me i needed this strength when running into my ex too). also, you going to her is a sign of weakness, she'll most likely see this as weakness and use it to control you more or make you even less desirable in her eyes. use all of your strength to work on your own greatness now and prepare for a day if she may actually contact you, but contacting her at this point i don't see doing you any good in any way, although i know it's really hard. if you feel you were the best thing to happen in her life then there's no need for you to initiate any contact with her, right? the person holding power in the r/s is the person who doesn't worry about initiating contact

[ScotisGone74]

I'm not a real religious person, but I was at church a few months ago and the preacher said something that stuck with me that I won't forget, he said " If we do everything we feel like we will surely find the road to hell'.  This is exactly what my exBPD did, she's taking the road to hell.  We hurt, we are wounded, they went out of their way to do everything they could to harm us... .  striking back will only keep the cycle going, and unfortunately not give you what you are looking for in the long run. 

[TheDude]

Confucius says,

"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves"

Precisely.

Giving someone a "taste of their own medicine"? Problem is, since they're the purveyors of the aforementioned elixir, they'll not only be much, much better at recognizing it incoming, but are well prepared to potentially volley it right back ten-fold. 

[Sharkey167]

Willsurvive, I will validate you. That is perfectly normal. I still want that sometimes. They are sick and their sickness makes them terrible people.

[BorderlineMagnet]

I think a better way to put it would be their sickness makes them ACT like terrible people. As much as I want to hate my 2 BPD ex's, and even though I've been kind of angry about some mirroring revelations lately, what they did to us was not intentional. Think of it as friendly fire. Even though it's awful when it happens to us, it's not like they set out to hurt us or make us feel pain. We are just getting their inner turmoil and pain projected on to us. That's how they survive. I wouldn't want to know what their real pain is like, but I would take all my current ex's pain she doesn't show on myself if she could have just one day of having a real identity, and having no fear. Of knowing what it's like to really be loved, and to love in return. Compassion is difficult in these situations, but it's a must.

[fromheeltoheal]

Forgiveness is the best revenge.  Forgive her for you, not her, but there is a little satisfaction in knowing you're totally over her and have removed any power she had over you.

Also, going NC is for you, your own sanity, too.  But remember a pwBPD's biggest fear is abandonment, and when you disappear, you are hurting them where it hurts most.

Don't revel in it, focus on you, but those two points do lend a little satisfaction.

[VeryFree]

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Revenge is often like biting a dog because the dog bit you.

Austin O'Malley

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

Mahatma Gandhi

Living well is the best revenge.

George Herbert

In taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy; but in passing it over, he is superior.

Francis Bacon

Don't hate your SO, love yourself.

VeryScared