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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Want ex's relationship to end.  (Read 583 times)
me757
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« on: May 11, 2013, 06:30:12 PM »

I don't want my exBPDgf back but I want her current relationship/engagement to fall apart so bad. I feel like I'll finally be able to detach completely after this happens... . I don't know why. I don't think I'd even care if she dated someone new after this guy... . its just this relationship. Did/does anyone else feel this way? I know its terrible but if their relationship (which she has already cheated in) ends, I feel like a weight will be lifted.
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hellnback
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« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2013, 06:39:25 PM »

Yes, I feel the same way. I would feel the triangle is finally over. I don't know why? I know I should not care, but I do. If it fails, I would feel that it was not all me.
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BorderlineMagnet
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« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2013, 06:48:49 PM »

I agree. Not only did my current ex pwBPDgf cheat on me, she was cheating on the other guy by doing stuff with me still. He looks like such a loser that I want her to not be able to keep him either. Plus after seeing me in person (thanks to her FB creeping me) he's probably scared of me that I will smash him if I see him next. The night she creeped me I was a bit tipsy, so I flipped them off and called them names and his punk ass stayed in the car while she got out. I'm not proud that I did that, but I would've been out of that car in a heartbeat no matter how intimidating the guy.
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me757
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« Reply #3 on: May 11, 2013, 06:56:26 PM »

My ex "downgraded" too. It's so frustrating. She can get away with so much more with him because he's a pushover and pretty dumb (she's even said this). It's even worse now that they are engaged. If they for some reason got married and actually lasted it would probably piss me off for awhile. I'm sure a lot of its my ego. He found out she cheated and forgave her and wants to get married even faster now. I feel like its gonna have to be her to end it but shes obsessed with getting married so that prob wont happen.
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BorderlineMagnet
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« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2013, 07:09:23 PM »

I bet the same scenario will happen with my ex's current loser too. She's really not that bright either, which is why she probably mirrored me and kept me around so long- to learn how to act. I've not checked her FB page in the longest time, so I have no clue what their status is. I just wish her nothing but pain after basically making me fall in love with myself. There's no one inside that pretty shell, just the good things she took from me.
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apple
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« Reply #5 on: May 11, 2013, 10:37:59 PM »

Don't worry, it will end as they are unable to sustain long term intimate relationships. Look at the history!  leopards can't change their spots. My exw had no long term friends and didn't have any close girlfriends.  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

She also pushed to get me to sever some friendships I had with a few close friends of mine. They were female friends but were totally plutonic. They were like sisters to me.  One of my friends I had known for over 20yrs.

My ex was married and divorced 4x by age 38 and is doomed to repeat her pattern. she's currently recycling her 4th husband and or has a new source which happens to be another guy she knew from high school. She is emotionally stuck in 9th grade!

The worst part now is knowing my kids have a whore-o-trama for a mother.

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Clearmind
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« Reply #6 on: May 12, 2013, 04:54:05 AM »

I don't know why.

Any reason me757 why you don't believe what you endured in your relationship? Was the roller coaster ride the norm for you - meaning were previous relationships also up and down that you believed nothing of it?

Self blame and lack of self trust is common - any clues with this stems from?
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Billa
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« Reply #7 on: May 12, 2013, 05:31:14 AM »

we all share the same feeling... .  it's normal. Even if it would be of no help.
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Whichwayisup
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« Reply #8 on: May 12, 2013, 08:25:32 AM »

The worst part now is knowing my kids have a whore-o-trama for a mother.

This!  How I am struggling to look at my innocent affected children and cant stop thinking how simply unfair this all is on them.

In a strange way at the moment I don't want the validation of her current relationship breaking down.  I am rehearsing a fantasy scenario where I meet the new guy, shake his hand tell him thanks and good luck... .  

At the moment he is keeping her away from bothering me after 6 weeks of LC and getting closer to NC until mediation.
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me757
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« Reply #9 on: May 12, 2013, 11:45:04 AM »

Clearmind - I haven't been in a lot of relationships so I don't have a norm. This was by far the craziest one I've been in though. I guess part of why I want it to end is that then I'd always fear that I could have done something more to make the relationship work. This is crazy thinking, I know, because why would I want something so unstable and destructive to work? It makes it hard because I've been seeing the good side of her lately and she seems like she has grown up a lot more. Then again, I see so little of her now that she can probably put up a good front. I get frustrated because from what I've read here, there isn't a lot of hope for someone with BPD to change.
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slimmiller
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« Reply #10 on: May 12, 2013, 12:23:59 PM »

I felt the same for a while. Then she did the whole rigmarole to him and raged, screamed, glass lighted and the whole 9 yards and started sleeping with his best friend. It was sweet in so many ways to see the crash (as I type this the 'current' is moving 6 hours away for two years for school).

The whole thing was bittersweet in a way. He got what he deserved because he KNEW that she was married to me and living with me still. Then he had to basically wear my shoes.

Funny thing is she told me I could never date her friends because thats 'just disgusting' then she did it to him and those two guys are no longer friends because of it.

Why was it sweet to watch? It validates so many things and basically that she caused her own miseries and I had NOTHING to do with it this time   Smiling (click to insert in post)

-slimmiller
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me757
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« Reply #11 on: May 12, 2013, 12:40:48 PM »

Thats a good point Slimmiller. The fact that you had no part in it and it fell apart still is probably what I'm looking for.
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Suzn
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« Reply #12 on: May 12, 2013, 12:55:16 PM »

I guess part of why I want it to end is that then I'd always fear that I could have done something more to make the relationship work. This is crazy thinking, I know, because why would I want something so unstable and destructive to work?

Why was the success of this relationship solely on your shoulders in your mind? It takes two. Unstable and destructive never works, endured maybe. It's good that you are identifying that this is what is was, unstable and destructive for both of you.

It makes it hard because I've been seeing the good side of her lately and she seems like she has grown up a lot more. Then again, I see so little of her now that she can probably put up a good front.

Just a thought, what are the chances that this is her attempting to mirror what she is seeing in you? It would depend on whether you are basing these observations on actual everyday, prolonged behavior changes or if you are speaking of conversations you are having on occasion and you are simply being agreed with.  
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« Reply #13 on: May 12, 2013, 01:12:05 PM »

I am actually hoping my ex's new relationship or recycled one (not sure which it is) lasts for a while.

The longer she is preoccupied with someone else, the more time it gives me to detach, process, and heal. What a gift!
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BorderlineMagnet
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« Reply #14 on: May 12, 2013, 01:37:31 PM »

me757, I agree with Suzn, the appearance of growing up is her mirroring your maturity most likely. Like I was telling you, when I look at the emails my current ex has sent recently, it's as if I was writing them. She just copies my ambitions to make my life better, and to be a better person. She is none of those things in reality. She is taking the good from you and using it to her further her own sick needs to try and hold on to what she has. If anything, be angry at her for it. She is stealing something from you that is uniquely your own. I went from pining for my current ex, to being disgusted by her when I had this revelation. She took my confidence and my trust when she left, and now I realized she took what makes me a good person, and makes people like me and care for me, and that is unforgivable to me. The cheating I can forgive because I know it was out of fear, and not meant to hurt me. But stealing who I am because she is an empty husk is not cool in my book. Get mad about it, but let your anger help you do good things. Being angry isn't a bad thing. It's a natural emotion, and for me it has been protecting me lately. The anniversary of our first meeting was last weekend and my emotions have been fragile due to it. I even got weak and sent an email on that day. But then I had my mirroring light bulb moment and all that changed.
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Suzn
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« Reply #15 on: May 12, 2013, 01:49:36 PM »

If anything, be angry at her for it.

May I make a suggestion? Be angry at the existence of the disorder and the cause. This person didn't ask for this disorder any more than one would ask for being diabetic. "She" is not the disorder. The behaviors associated are coping mechanisms for the intense fears a pwBPD have. This is not an excuse, it is what it is, a mental disorder.
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me757
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« Reply #16 on: May 12, 2013, 01:53:50 PM »

Hmm... . she could be mirroring me. Ever since the breakup I've really got my life together. Wouldn't she want to be mirroring her fiancee rather me since they are together? Or is this mirroring the first signs of a possible recycle and the end of her current relationship? I wonder if it would have already happened if I had tried to get her back.
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BorderlineMagnet
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« Reply #17 on: May 12, 2013, 05:04:24 PM »

I guess it's hard for me right now to not be angry at her because it feels like I was stolen from. She stole who I am to make herself better. But I know it's the disorder... .  I guess it just makes it easier for me to try and move on. Otherwise I'd still just be wanting her back, although knowing that is something that probably will not/should not happen. But I get that they are afflicted. Just does;t make it easier on us sometimes.
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me757
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« Reply #18 on: May 12, 2013, 07:42:40 PM »

I wonder if they steal enough from partners if they can actually keep a relationship going for good or actually fix themselves in mirroring.
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BorderlineMagnet
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« Reply #19 on: May 12, 2013, 08:03:02 PM »

I think my ex is mirroring her sleazy douchebag new guy. She liked how I wasn't a bar person, but seems to go to bars with him a lot. She may actually be wasting what she took from me and is mirroring his brain dead white trash traits. Like she's regressing after doing well and actually appearing to be stable with me. And the fact that she lies to me and herself about her new relationship just seems sad and desperate. Like she has to like him now since I caught her and made her choose. And I didn't really give her a choice, it was more like you're cheating on me and you need to be honest. I think she was ashamed, but knew I would probably have left her then. And I would have.
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me757
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« Reply #20 on: May 12, 2013, 08:12:54 PM »

Its ridiculous how much they lie about their relationships (to us and themselves). My ex makes it seem like her fiancee and her are doing well... . but then she cheats on him all the time. Their reality is so distorted and what sucks is that they don't even realize it. If they did, they'd probably get help.
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BorderlineMagnet
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« Reply #21 on: May 12, 2013, 08:40:17 PM »

The lies are ridiculous for sure. Me and my current ex knew each other 10 months. In that time we literally never argued once. We were very close, loving, and always on the same page. Of course that was idealization and mirroring, but still a very happy, stable relationship. She says she's soo happy with her new guy yet she admits that I come up in their relationship a lot and they argue about me a lot. After only knowing each other barley 2 1/2 months. It's like she doesn't realize her own honesty contradicts the lie about being happy.
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me757
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« Reply #22 on: May 12, 2013, 09:10:41 PM »

My ex has often told me that she wishes the new guy was more like me but also that I was more like him. I feel like if a person isn't perfect then its not good enough for her.
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caughtnreleased
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« Reply #23 on: May 12, 2013, 09:19:31 PM »



It makes it hard because I've been seeing the good side of her lately and she seems like she has grown up a lot more. Then again, I see so little of her now that she can probably put up a good front.

Just a thought, what are the chances that this is her attempting to mirror what she is seeing in you? It would depend on whether you are basing these observations on actual everyday, prolonged behavior changes or if you are speaking of conversations you are having on occasion and you are simply being agreed with.   [/quote]
Agh! this one hit home. I've made so much progress in my life since meeting and splitting with my BPDex... .  it seems to me like he has too... .  could it just be mirroring. It is so messed up! and sad. I fell in love with myself! Oh dear! something straight out of greek mythology.

I too just want his new relationship to end. I have no doubt she is miserable, but she's keeping up a good façade... .  
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« Reply #24 on: May 12, 2013, 09:43:19 PM »

Same here - My ex is, since our break up, in and out of a r/s with another woman who might be bi-polar.

They have horrible fights, break up but still get back together. Last one a few months ago - She called me to tell me all about it. It made me feel better thinking they were done. But naturally they got back together and I have not heard from her since.

The fact that they keep on getting back together makes me feel like "what does this other woman have that I did not?" Why is she willing to work things out with her but not with me?

I guess I still have a lot of healing to do... .  

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Hopeliveshere

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« Reply #25 on: May 12, 2013, 09:53:33 PM »

What Suzn wrote about the intense fears of a pwBPD rings so true - my PDh (who doesn't talk much) starts many sentences with "I'm afraid of... .  " or "I'm scared that... .  "

HLH
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me757
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« Reply #26 on: May 12, 2013, 09:56:28 PM »

For me, I know what I didn't have that the new guy does - the ability to propose to her within 3 months of dating even though the cheating is going on. She was very passive aggressive with it within a month of dating. It didn't make any sense... . she cheats emotionally/physically and then expects me to just forgive and marry her. No empathy. I don't understand her fiancee who proposed within 3 months of dating and has caught her cheating... .  and now wants to get married even sooner. He might be even crazier than her.
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BradyK
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« Reply #27 on: May 13, 2013, 12:13:51 AM »

My ex upwBBDbf got married 2 months after we broke up. It hurt me very, very deeply to be replaced like that, and a part of me couldn't even believe it. I was still so connected to him. He was my best friend and I loved him. And yes, a part of me wanted their relationship to fail. And yes, I wondered what she had that I didn't have that inspired his instant commitment.

But, in hindsight, this marriage actually worked to my advantage in that it made it much easier for me to officially "wish them well" and then go NC and stay NC. It's one thing to pine away after a guy who is in relationship "limbo" and is sending mixed messages, but it is quite another to pine away after a guy who is married. I did not want to be any kind of "other woman", ever. And I certainly didn't have to worry about his feeling abandoned or hurt anymore.

That was all a year ago. I don't know if they are still together; I assume they are. I hope they are. What does she have that I don't have? Maybe lots of things. Maybe nothing. But now I know it really doesn't matter because my life is not about them!


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flynavy
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« Reply #28 on: May 13, 2013, 06:05:50 AM »

Excerpt
May I make a suggestion? Be angry at the existence of the disorder and the cause. This person didn't ask for this disorder any more than one would ask for being diabetic. "She" is not the disorder. The behaviors associated are coping mechanisms for the intense fears a pwBPD have. This is not an excuse, it is what it is, a mental disorder.

Posted on: Yesterday at 01:37:31 PM Posted by: BorderlineMagnet

susn... .  the light bulb went on for me!  Thank you!... .  My biggest struggle has been with viewing my exBPD/NPD fiance as a rational woman w/o a mental disorder... .  even though I know!  I too wanted to see the guy she is with now (and has been with for the past 8 years) unravel.  Doesn't matter!  She will find another.  She has been through 2 failed marriages, 4 engagements (including mine).  I kind of feel sorry for this guy she's with now... .  he even came over to my house at 12:30 AM one night after he first found out she was seeing me/engaged and he is still with her.  I even tried sending him a letter and she intercepted it and sent it back to me like it came from him.

Anyway... .  she has a mental disorder... .  as mean, deceitful, ugly, violent, unconscionable, as their behavior is... .  they are sick individuals.  The hardest part of this is the fact that even the name of the mental disorder "borderline" says they have moments of clarity/rationality... .  but for us... .  we never who we were talking to... .  Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde!
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me757
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« Reply #29 on: May 13, 2013, 08:10:56 AM »

I hope my ex's relationship doesn't last for years like you have all mentioned. I feel like I'm associated with her newest relationship because it was right after mine and she's triangulated with him and I. I'd love to get to the point where I don't care or actually wish her and the guy well... . but I'm not there yet.
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Suzn
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« Reply #30 on: May 13, 2013, 08:52:39 AM »

You say she's triangulated you, can you elaborate? From what I've read here this seems more of a love triangle situation. Either way me757,  you have the option not to participate.
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« Reply #31 on: May 13, 2013, 09:20:56 AM »

I also want my ex relationship to fall apart. Yeah i know i am a mean person. But she treated me like crap. Suck in for her current bf too, he doesnt know that he is dating a BPD. Am looking forward when the cycle begins. Oh yeah, now they are still in honeymoon stage. Idealization phase
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me757
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« Reply #32 on: May 13, 2013, 09:27:04 AM »

After the breakup her and I continued to hang out once a week or so while she was with the other guy. We didn't go all the way but we definitely did things that you don't do when you are dating someone else. She would tell me that she loves me even though she was with him... . this continued after she got engaged. I told her I couldn't do this anymore after she cheated on him w/ me while she was engaged. She replied that she's "****ed up". I went NC with her for about 10 days until she sent me a message saying that she was sorry for doing all of this. She told me how the guy found out and got mad but wanted to get married to her even faster now. Then yesterday she sent a random text "Hey". I responded back with "Hey whats up?" about an hour later but then she never replied.
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BradyK
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« Reply #33 on: May 13, 2013, 11:28:12 AM »

Hi Me757,

If you want to get to the point where you don't care about your ex's new relationship, as you say, there are some things you can do to help yourself get there. For me it really helped to go NC. Don't answer those texts. In fact, block them. You can tell her nicely what you are doing if it seems appropriate -- you don't need to wield NC like a weapon. And then, the other thing that helped me was making a concerted effort to focus on other things. Every time I thought of my ex I would remind myself to change my thoughts and start thinking about something else or actually doing something else. This didn't happen instantly. But I felt a lot better. Hope that helps.
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me757
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« Reply #34 on: May 13, 2013, 12:13:49 PM »

Yeah, I need to focus on other things. I have my good and bad days about that. I feel like when I just start to reach a new level of detachment she can sense it and tries to reel me back in. I swear they have a BPD/6th sense.
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« Reply #35 on: May 13, 2013, 12:34:16 PM »

Yeah, I need to focus on other things. I have my good and bad days about that. I feel like when I just start to reach a new level of detachment she can sense it and tries to reel me back in. I swear they have a BPD/6th sense.

At times its almost like they are possessed with a spirit that makes certain parts of them superhuman, both seductively and then also when they rage... .  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Like a few others said above. Try and 'distract' yourself so to speak.

I took up running which is a great way to relieve stress and also took up a more serious interest in playing music. Something I wanted to do for years but just never quite got there. Lord knows looking after her needs was a 25 hour a day job for many years. She now has a younger more energetic bf for that.

But hey, less stress for me though Being cool (click to insert in post)
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me757
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« Reply #36 on: May 13, 2013, 12:41:33 PM »

Very true about the 25 hr days. I have a ton of hobbies already and when I was with her they all pretty much disappeared. I've been taking improv comedy classes since the breakup, which has helped a lot. I know I don't want her back because when I was with her and couldn't even be me anymore.
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« Reply #37 on: May 13, 2013, 01:32:19 PM »

So if I have this right, you never really had a break up, you both took some distance. Still seeing each other, still being intimate, just less often. She starts dating him and is now engaged. This is a love triangle. Do you want to continue to participate?

This is akin to an addiction. Being pulled back in is your decision. Finding distractions is a way to start building your life up around you. Getting involved in things that interest you will naturally distract you. And depending on what they are, are ways to meet new friends.

You have strength, you stepped back a few steps when she cheated on you. What does that say to you?
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« Reply #38 on: May 13, 2013, 01:49:38 PM »

We broke up but yeah continued to see each other and then she went "official" with other guy. It is a love triangle. Although, I haven't seen her in 3 weeks... . just LC. This is about the time though when she usually tries to suck me back in. Or if the guy ever leaves then it is a definite attempt. I never get sucked back in thinking it will work out... . it is all addiction. I will say that I am getting stronger with holding her off. If I had have just gone NC months ago things would have been easier now though.
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« Reply #39 on: May 13, 2013, 07:19:42 PM »

I totally understand where you are coming from, I am in the same boat. It's been two years for me... .  TWO YEARS, and I still hope my ex and the piece of ___ she ran off with and married, break up. As of yet they are happily married, so maybe she truly found her soul mate with deep pockets. I understand the need to have them end, because you were used and abused by both of them. All my friends keep telling me to give it time before the bottom drops out, but it seems that sometimes there is no justice or karma, or whatever that gives people in return for their disgusting behaviour. If they break up, then I know it truly was her and not me. I hear you 100%. I think with time and NC I am assuming you just don't give a crap after a while. Let's hope.
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me757
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« Reply #40 on: May 13, 2013, 07:43:51 PM »

I hope I can just not care at some point. I would think that there isn't a lot of hope for them if she's already cheated on him like 20 times w/ me within the 5 months they've been together. Who knows if she has been talking to anyone new too. She does call less so I can only assume unless he is with her 24/7. If she is left alone she will find someone to be with. She can't be alone.
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« Reply #41 on: May 13, 2013, 08:02:36 PM »

I totally understand where you are coming from, I am in the same boat. It's been two years for me... .  TWO YEARS, and I still hope my ex and the piece of ___ she ran off with and married, break up. As of yet they are happily married, so maybe she truly found her soul mate with deep pockets. I understand the need to have them end, because you were used and abused by both of them. All my friends keep telling me to give it time before the bottom drops out, but it seems that sometimes there is no justice or karma, or whatever that gives people in return for their disgusting behaviour. If they break up, then I know it truly was her and not me. I hear you 100%. I think with time and NC I am assuming you just don't give a crap after a while. Let's hope.

Karma has no deadline my friend.   It will happen. They can't sustain longterm relationships at all. If she has BPD it will end sooner or later.  My exw's first two marriages lasted 1yr each. We were married for 7yr's and her 4th marriage... .  the guy she was screwing around with,  she married 4 or 5 months after the divorce and it lasted less than 60 days  Being cool (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)   

I think she may be recycling her4th husband or have a new source. I kinda have radar for it as my kids start acting up when she's at it again. It won't last as leopards can't change their spots!


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« Reply #42 on: May 13, 2013, 08:30:20 PM »

What happens to these people? Like... . when they are really old? I never hear about 80 year old pwBPD.
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« Reply #43 on: May 13, 2013, 08:53:30 PM »

me7575,

I've heard that the symptoms and traits start to be less severe the older they get, but I don't know how true that is. They are able to manage it better without causing the damage they did in their youth.
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« Reply #44 on: May 13, 2013, 09:06:40 PM »

My ex is 26. I've read a lot on here about pwBPD in there 40s-50s. Not worth it if it took her 20-30 years to "manage" it. Its horrible though... . if she suddenly learned to manage it and not cheat within the next few years I think I'd be torn up since I was the one to really put my foot down and end it mainly because I didn't think she would change.
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« Reply #45 on: May 13, 2013, 09:08:20 PM »

What happens to these people? Like... . when they are really old? I never hear about 80 year old pwBPD.

I've read a few posts on the forum where people have problems with their elderly parents with BPD. i.e. my mom has had 5 boyfriends in the last year... .  LMAO
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« Reply #46 on: May 13, 2013, 09:12:32 PM »

My ex is 26. I've read a lot on here about pwBPD in there 40s-50s. Not worth it if it took her 20-30 years to "manage" it. Its horrible though... . if she suddenly learned to manage it and not cheat within the next few years I think I'd be torn up since I was the one to really put my foot down and end it mainly because I didn't think she would change.

I've also read many stories of pwBPD in their 40's,50's on this forum that haven't changed an ounce and wreaked havoc on many lives. Most likely due to the fact that they are emotionally stuck as a child.
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« Reply #47 on: May 13, 2013, 09:30:38 PM »

me7575,

I've heard that the symptoms and traits start to be less severe the older they get, but I don't know how true that is. They are able to manage it better without causing the damage they did in their youth.

My ex is a textbook pwBPD, diagnosed ! And in therapy.

She is in her 50's.

My conclusion is that the older they get, the better they get at hiding it.

Monty

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Suzn
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« Reply #48 on: May 13, 2013, 09:57:06 PM »

It won't last as leopards can't change their spots!

Hmm, mine seemed change her spots for a brief period. Had I not re-engaged with her I can't say if she would still be with the new person she was with then or not. There's just no way to know for sure.

2 1/2 years ago, almost, I hadn't seen her for 6 months. I was contacted by the person she was seeing (through facebook). Apparently, I had been texting and calling my ex and she wanted to know why. Didn't happen, my ex didn't have my phone number and I didn't want her to have it.

Long story short, I worked out seeing the kids again. Which meant I had to see her to pick them up. Well, she looked awesome. She had been working out, became a vegetarian (because the new girl was), was seeing her therapist regularly and going to church. Frankly, I had never seen her look so good, and I felt robbed. Robbed of this person I had always wanted her to be. Healthy. And when I say robbed, I mean shocked, and it made me angry. Why couldn't she be this person with me? Why couldn't she have her act together when I begged her to do these things?

It all fell apart within a month. Our cordial conversations, she ended up leaving this girl and going back to her unhealthy ways. I went NC and have been ever since. I see her out and about once in a blue moon now and it doesn't effect me anymore emotionally, not that it took this long for that to happen.

There were a few things I learned from this.

1) There are most certainly people better suited for her than I. This new girl most likely didn't trigger my ex like I did. It was sobering, like slap in the face.

2) I had very poor boundaries and communication skills. My ex's new girl who had contacted me wasn't aggressive about her inquiry, she wanted to know if my intent was to just be friends. She had better communication skills than I had. She was a doctor, not that all doctors have these skills but she did.

3) I needed to change some spots so that in the future I would be better prepared for a healthy relationship. Found these boards and found myself a T to get past it all and learn about what I needed to do to make that happen.

 
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« Reply #49 on: May 13, 2013, 10:19:25 PM »

Yeah, I don't know if I could handle my ex being with someone who doesn't trigger her/cause her to act up as much as I did. Its sad. I care for her but if she suddenly was cured or was able to get her issues managed with someone else, it would crush me. I should just wish her the best but obviously I'm not that detached and it would piss me off that she couldn't get it together with me. I feel like this new guy bought himself some time by proposing to her. She has even admitted that her and I have more chemistry than him but she believes that I'm not close to marriage, which is true. It's frustrating and I've had to try to convince myself that she wont ever change for me to have any chance of moving on. When the idea of her getting over this BPD w/o me creeps into my mind, I get pretty depressed.
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« Reply #50 on: May 13, 2013, 10:35:25 PM »

" There are most certainly people better suited for her than I. This new girl most likely didn't trigger my ex like I did. It was sobering, like slap in the face."



Are you sure she wasn't triggering her?  If she wasn't then why did she tell the good doctor she was with that you were calling and texting her ?

"The vegetarian, working out, looking great" is all part of the leopards spots called mirroring. Mirroring the doctor she was with. 

The mirroring doesn't last hence "mine seemed change her spots for a brief period" brief being the key word.

"Recycled with you"  more spots and yes we have to look at why we would do that as well.

"Had I not re-engaged with her I can't say if she would still be with the new person she was with then or not. "

If it weren't you it would have been with someone else and there will always be a next in line. She was telling her DR girlfriend you were calling and texting her ? If you hadn't re-engaged she would have found someone else that would engage.

A leopard cant change its spots anymore than a tiger can change its instinct to hunt.


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« Reply #51 on: May 13, 2013, 11:13:22 PM »

" There are most certainly people better suited for her than I. This new girl most likely didn't trigger my ex like I did. It was sobering, like slap in the face."



Are you sure she wasn't triggering her?  If she wasn't then why did she tell the good doctor she was with that you were calling and texting her ?

She didn' trigger her like "I" did. She was never healthy to the extent she was with her. My ex is an alcoholic and she self medicated with drugs, this was not a part of her life with her new girl. That was quiet obvious from her appearance. Gone, were the dark circles under her eyes.

"The vegetarian, working out, looking great" is all part of the leopards spots called mirroring. Mirroring the doctor she was with. 

The mirroring doesn't last hence "mine seemed change her spots for a brief period" brief being the key word.

Agreed. And agreed, that's why I used the word brief. There's no denying, for me, she was still healthier with her. I have no delusions about her being "cured" with this person, simply better.

"Had I not re-engaged with her I can't say if she would still be with the new person she was with then or not. "

If it weren't you it would have been with someone else and there will always be a next in line. She was telling her DR girlfriend you were calling and texting her ? If you hadn't re-engaged she would have found someone else that would engage.



Maybe so. I played a role, at least in this instance. Not fully responsible for her fall, just that I played a role.

A leopard cant change its spots anymore than a tiger can change its instinct to hunt.

I was reminded of this recently, "never say never." For all I know she's in DBT therapy today. And wouldn't that be fantastic for her. I do wish her well.


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“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
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« Reply #52 on: May 14, 2013, 12:17:16 AM »

Suzn,

Were you a vegetarian, did you work out, did you not drink and not tolerate anything else in a partner when you first dated your ex and she mirrored you ?
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