Out of the frying pan, into the... ?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm in a new and wonderful something, yet not, which has me wondering if I've ended up in a new facet of Twilight Zone.

Me and my original problem BPD split up away back,  she lambasted me in her special way, then I moved on as best I could.

While healing, on New Years, a girl from Junior HS and High School who had been 'liking' me a lot out of the blue on FB called and we talked a long time, and I got kind of smitten again. Then she went away. Every time she'd say she would call right back, it was days. Pattern of that.

Then the likes faded, then she was 'liking' some other guy from the same school who she says also had a crush or something,  then  talking to me again, here and there... .  usually right when internally I was adapted to this being some kind of something where because she was stressed while in school, rough time, just using me for support. (adult education class for new licensing)

Well originally she was moving to where I lived, then not. That was the first huge whiplash. Now that's back on, as of today, the local move (She's 200 miles away right now). And lo, after saying I'd help fix her car, and help her move, she says other guy is going to be there to help too.

Which broke my heart all over again. Remembering that BP's often have 'tripod' relationships, I am fearing that I'll help her move, and then that other dude will have stayed there or otherwise hooked up with her and so on, could be then or down the road.

I got all happy again when she said she was moving locally. But now I feel stupid all over again. It's even worse because she's a single mom, has a cool kid and I am grieving the lack of a family in my life and here's a semi-instant one. 

But she whiplashes me constantly. I can't tell you the number of times I've been told "Call you right back" or "Call you tomorrow" and then days or weeks pass. Super-flakey that way. Problem for me is I had a huge crush on her when I was younger and that part of me is re-engaged but otherwise, my observation in life is anybody passes you up in the past, doesn't start up something new in the present. Goes for high school, and college people.

I'm thinking, sadly, that maybe I have gotten out of the frying pan, into a whole new fire, and one that's not so obvious as the other I was in. I feel like a brick hit me in the gut again. I'm not trying to paint her with the brush of BP'itude, but something is rotten feeling.

It's lame that I said I'd help fix her car (I could) but I don't want to help somebody with another dude waiting out there in the wings because while she jokes about him being not her type and other things he's said, last time I heard that kind of talk was from my ex fiancee about a guy she worked with, and she's been married to him now for years.

If I'm not completely nuts these days, I'm thinking this person will send me the rest of the way there. Maybe I shouldn't be jealous of this other person, but I am. They just like and like and like each other on FB all the time. Probably talk more than I know. I feel like she's a single mom out looking for the best deal. Either that, or she's nuts. Because she's all over the place. Moving here, then not. Wait, need a place to stay, coming to my place. Wait, no, now staying up the road where she is. Wait, now moving here again.

I don't want to leave her out in the cold, as she's gotten an eviction notice from her current place because the landlord wants her out a few days early due to some other party canceling the next lease (a friend of hers), so it's a loaded problem. Then there's Dude #2.

Calls me her best friend in the world all that BS, I feel like I'm being played but at the same time, haven't seen her to know her really (we haven't met in years) and well... .  no confidence due to original BP relationship either.

Meanwhile, original BP said a while back that she wasn't saying she was sorry anymore and I deserved all the abuse she threw my way.

I think about the entire thing, and my crimes really boil down to:

A. Refusing to be controlled.

B. Not seeing her 'enough'.

C. Not doing things when she wanted, or as soon as she wanted.

D. Anything else arising out of refusing to be cajoled.

Original BP writes me here and there. I'm so lonely nowadays I talk to her.

I've never been this lonely in my life. Now there's new nutcase or otherwise seriously confusing person. And they keep changing the canvas I start to paint on... .  with some new direction.

It's not like a usual person who says, "I'm moving on such and such, can you help?" It's like somebody who says that then says, "Wait, change of ... .  "

Constantly. I've never met anyone this 'unsure' of their direction.

I like her, and can talk to her fairly easily though if I ever say anything where empathy might help, she just says "STop iT!" as if I'm a child picking their nose. Her intent is to say don't feel that way but to me it means, don't feel... .  what you feel.

Sorry to vent too much but my head is a ruin these days.

rgb

[RGBerated]

I'm in a new and wonderful something, yet not, which has me wondering if I've ended up in a new facet of Twilight Zone.

Me and my original problem BPD split up away back,  she lambasted me in her special way, then I moved on as best I could.

While healing, on New Years, a girl from Junior HS and High School who had been 'liking' me a lot out of the blue on FB called and we talked a long time, and I got kind of smitten again. Then she went away. Every time she'd say she would call right back, it was days. Pattern of that.

Then the likes faded, then she was 'liking' some other guy from the same school who she says also had a crush or something,  then  talking to me again, here and there... .  usually right when internally I was adapted to this being some kind of something where because she was stressed while in school, rough time, just using me for support. (adult education class for new licensing)

Well originally she was moving to where I lived, then not. That was the first huge whiplash. Now that's back on, as of today, the local move (She's 200 miles away right now). And lo, after saying I'd help fix her car, and help her move, she says other guy is going to be there to help too.

Which broke my heart all over again. Remembering that BP's often have 'tripod' relationships, I am fearing that I'll help her move, and then that other dude will have stayed there or otherwise hooked up with her and so on, could be then or down the road.

I got all happy again when she said she was moving locally. But now I feel stupid all over again. It's even worse because she's a single mom, has a cool kid and I am grieving the lack of a family in my life and here's a semi-instant one. 

But she whiplashes me constantly. I can't tell you the number of times I've been told "Call you right back" or "Call you tomorrow" and then days or weeks pass. Super-flakey that way. Problem for me is I had a huge crush on her when I was younger and that part of me is re-engaged but otherwise, my observation in life is anybody passes you up in the past, doesn't start up something new in the present. Goes for high school, and college people.

I'm thinking, sadly, that maybe I have gotten out of the frying pan, into a whole new fire, and one that's not so obvious as the other I was in. I feel like a brick hit me in the gut again. I'm not trying to paint her with the brush of BP'itude, but something is rotten feeling.

It's lame that I said I'd help fix her car (I could) but I don't want to help somebody with another dude waiting out there in the wings because while she jokes about him being not her type and other things he's said, last time I heard that kind of talk was from my ex fiancee about a guy she worked with, and she's been married to him now for years.

If I'm not completely nuts these days, I'm thinking this person will send me the rest of the way there. Maybe I shouldn't be jealous of this other person, but I am. They just like and like and like each other on FB all the time. Probably talk more than I know. I feel like she's a single mom out looking for the best deal. Either that, or she's nuts. Because she's all over the place. Moving here, then not. Wait, need a place to stay, coming to my place. Wait, no, now staying up the road where she is. Wait, now moving here again.

I don't want to leave her out in the cold, as she's gotten an eviction notice from her current place because the landlord wants her out a few days early due to some other party canceling the next lease (a friend of hers), so it's a loaded problem. Then there's Dude #2.

Calls me her best friend in the world all that BS, I feel like I'm being played but at the same time, haven't seen her to know her really (we haven't met in years) and well... .  no confidence due to original BP relationship either.

Meanwhile, original BP said a while back that she wasn't saying she was sorry anymore and I deserved all the abuse she threw my way.

I think about the entire thing, and my crimes really boil down to:

A. Refusing to be controlled.

B. Not seeing her 'enough'.

C. Not doing things when she wanted, or as soon as she wanted.

D. Anything else arising out of refusing to be cajoled.

Original BP writes me here and there. I'm so lonely nowadays I talk to her.

I've never been this lonely in my life. Now there's new nutcase or otherwise seriously confusing person. And they keep changing the canvas I start to paint on... .  with some new direction.

It's not like a usual person who says, "I'm moving on such and such, can you help?" It's like somebody who says that then says, "Wait, change of ... .  "

Constantly. I've never met anyone this 'unsure' of their direction.

I like her, and can talk to her fairly easily though if I ever say anything where empathy might help, she just says "STop iT!" as if I'm a child picking their nose. Her intent is to say don't feel that way but to me it means, don't feel... .  what you feel.

Sorry to vent too much but my head is a ruin these days.

rgb

[Lady31]

Ok RG - this chic is straight up using you.  At least that is my soo HUMBLE opinion.  It doesn't really matter if she has some sort of personality disorder or not.

You see the facts - she blows you off constantly and is not committed in anything she says.  If I was into a guy, I would be thinking about him on a regular basis and wanting to talk to him often and see him as often as possible.

I wouldn't go days or weeks without contacting him.  PERIOD.  Even if I was busy! 

Since YOU are not the one pulling her in and then backing away... .  I would guess this other guy is and you are who she reaches out to when she needs to fill a void.  And YOU deserve better than that dish.

Her actions speak it all loud and clear.  I would not give this person the time of day anymore.  She will use you and it appears she already is.  That will not change.

[RGBerated]

You see the facts - she blows you off constantly and is not committed in anything she says.  If I was into a guy, I would be thinking about him on a regular basis and wanting to talk to him often and see him as often as possible.

I wouldn't go days or weeks without contacting him.  PERIOD.  Even if I was busy!  

Thanks for your clarity, and for your reply, and for sorting out my horrible articulation due to no counselor for too long. Things are sort of jumbled and due to other things, it's been high anxiety times for me.

It's been really weird here because new person caught me at a vulnerable time when my heart was opening back up from BPD former relationship.

It's a bummer, this situation, thusly.

Glad that I may not be crazy about this. She makes me feel very strange... .  earlier, I'd get really angry for some reason, and I realized it was because I was being whiplashed... .  hot/cold... .  but also, dissipated is the word that comes to mind... .  as if my focus becomes like oil in water. Anxious too... .  That's not just a red flag but a multi-hued one I guess. Thrown away is the other feeling, then retrieved as needed. 

Again, I thank you for the kindness and clarity of your reply, and for your humble opinion.

[marbleloser]

Let the other guy fix her problems and walk away from this one.You see it for what it is.Don't let "benefit of the doubt" get in the way.

[RGBerated]

Let the other guy fix her problems and walk away from this one.You see it for what it is.Don't let "benefit of the doubt" get in the way.

Thanks. That's been the problem, that doubt.

I do alright when I can remember she doesn't really like me in any deep or mature way. Southern charmer gone amok. Nothing means anything, since she probably says it to everyone. Kind of a bummer, but better to be aware and know what's going on. No hope I can handle, it's the false hope that gets you, because your soul lights up, then you have to put the lampshade back on.

rgb

[bondafc]

Hi Marble;

One simple question.

Is this how you treat someone you like?

Is this how you treat someone you want a relationship with?

No, of course not. 

You make time for someone you like.

You can't wait to talk to, or be with, someone you like.

Same with women, when they like you, they make time for you.

They move heaven and earth for you.

If they don't, they don't... . period.

Please stop rationalizing her bad behavior.

Bottom-line it.  Trust your gut. 

Anxiety is BIG Red Flag!

As my T once asked me, "Be a parent to Bond AFC. What advice would you give him about this situation and her behavior?".

If you "self-parent" the answer becomes pretty obvious, very quickly.

Respect is the key in any relationship.  It's non-negotiable.

Respect for you, your time, your feelings.

If that isn't there, don't try fix/explain/educate/negotiate... .

You have a lot more to offer a woman than to fix her car/rent/blagh blagh.

None of her problems are your problems... .

You don't have to fix them.

After a BPD relationship, your self-esteem is probably lower than a worms belly... .

Unfortunately, you are vulnerable to this type of abuse again.

You probably want to fix all her stuff because you secretly hope she will realize what a great guy you are and will be indebted to you.

She won't. It doesn't work that way.

Me, I would just lose her number.

Suddenly I'm super-busy/not available, moved on... .

"Just leaving the house... . sorry".

You don't need to explain, or drama the thing out... . slow fade... .

She will be just fine... . trust me.

I focused on developing/re-building my self-esteem... . (Google it... . ton's of great resources on-line)

Work on your heart, body, and soul. 

Six months to a year from now, you will be stronger, leaner, and able to cope.  Stop fixating on her issues and focus on developing yourself.

I went out and met other women (mixers, speed dating... . whatever)... . I was amazed at how many women want to meet a happy, confident, man and are willing to put in the time and energy to make it work.

BTW: Your situation was my reality last year... .   I now shake my head at how fixated I was with other peoples problems instead of my dealing with my own.

Respect.

[bondafc]

Sorry;

I goofed up. 

Reply was intended for RGBerated, not Marbleloser.

[RGBerated]

Please stop rationalizing her bad behavior.

Bottom-line it.  Trust your gut. 

Anxiety is BIG Red Flag!

Thanks for your thoughtful post.

I am ensnared in this sludge for some reason with this person. And I think, I am so alone right now, so horribly alone , that such must be what is keeping me bogged down... . since the road not taken is the only road out... .

The other day, after I told her that I was not cool with the other guy showing up to help, she said romance was not in the cards she was just moving, and talk to me later, had to go to the doctor.

Later that day, tells me, that she had abnormal results with pap smear. of course, don't tell anyone else.

That's like the nuke option of manipulation if false, and sad if true, just makes me feel more guilty for bailing.

So my dilemma is help her move as a humanitarian gesture, or leave her hanging.

Last night prayed to the universe, said give me guidance, got a kind of message 'Imagination' then when I laid down was shown a sequence of images going down a single lane road. I thought it was going ahead, but felt it was more motion backwards, because it was in reverse. Finally came to a dead end. Only way back was out the way I came, going forward. Though I sure hope it wasn't The End (my end).

Anxiety plus that is a sign, yet I still feel compelled to help, and I know it is going to be a miserable time for me. My life is miserable enough as you say, I am lower than low after the BP exit and aftermath. Because of my health issues I've felt like kicking off, and so I've been depressed enough already, not thinking my best. I think it's time I moved out of my own home myself, got into motion, leave the bad places behind.

When I'm down, i feel this vibe, "I want to go home" and I think, is it Heaven? And while there's some of that, it's also," I want to go home to me, whoever I was before I got this #$# lost".

As to nutcase with the ever changing stories and surprises, always, I've realized this person is if not a BP of some variant, then perhaps a chess player. That's what has been going on. Pieces (people) being moved around her board. Lubricated with half truths and outright lies, and the sickest Southern charm application I've ever suffered. For some dang reason, the teenage me is in control or something. She said she didn't want to lose my friendship over a move, But assuming I help, when this is done, I will be doing exactly as you say. I will become non-available.

If not tomorrow morning, should my need to be 'nice' finally get some assertiveness in its place. Being nice is over-rated. But thing is, exBPD made me feel that I was so un-nice, that I feel being assertive is being mean now. ?

rgb