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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back  (Read 371 times)
Bananas
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« on: May 25, 2013, 11:22:45 AM »

Last night I was out with a group of friends and my uBPD/NPDexbf's best/(only?) friend was there, this is our only mutual friend.  I have known this guy longer than my ex and we are actually very good friends on our own.

Well last night he pulls me aside and starts telling me how he has been talking to my ex a lot recently, how sorry my ex is, how my ex wants to make things "right" between us, blah blah blah.  I pretty much told him OK, that's great, but I really don't want to talk about the ex.

This happened before, a few weeks after the breakup.  Same friend and same words.  The first time, I remember feeling hopeful that my ex would make some sort of effort, offer an apology, take some sort of responsibility for his actions (cheating). Of course this didn't happen and actually quite the opposite.  I got a unsolicited raging text the next day from the ex about how he had "nothing to say to me", "i needed to get over it" and even accused ME of "ruining his friendship" with this friend because "he couldn't tell him anything" and "I ruined his life".     

I was feeling good and now I feel crappy again.  I am pretty sure I understand what is going on here.  It seems like my ex tries to get me to reengage with him just to be mean though, as I have learned the only thing that comes out of these exchanges is a lot of anger and hatred from him.  In the end, that is all I ever get.  Why try to reel me in just to be mean?  I almost get the feeling he gets some sort of pleasure from making me think he wants to "fix" things, that he is actually a good, honest, responsible person who is truly sorry and empathetic, and then pulling the rug out from under me.       

Anyone have any advice how to handle situations like this, when you have common friends? 
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crystalclear
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« Reply #1 on: May 25, 2013, 11:51:13 AM »

Bananas,

That's great that you told ur mutual friend you don't want to talk about ur ex.

I had been in similar situation but it was his friend (gud guy) telling me that my ex still loved me and was talking about me when they last met up for drinks... . as I was still in love with my ex although he dumped me... . I waited fr him to contact me or give me a sign... . when that dint happen,  I called him a few days later... . only to fall flat on my face... . he was disinteresed talk or meet me and told me he was engaged to another girl and is getting married within 2 months... . he blamed me and said the most harshest things that I never imagined I would hear him, a guy who madly loved me and wanted to marry me, would say in my most horrifying dreams... . its been 2 months now... . he never contacted me and neither did I... .

I don't know why wud he behave so ruthlessly to me after everything I did... . I would only suggest its wiser to ignore it and focus on urself... . keeo your dignity... . and move on... .
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patientandclear
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Relationship status: single
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« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2013, 01:07:50 PM »

For someone w/an attachment disorder, the idea of possibly connecting or reconnecting with someone who might still care about them is completely different from the actual prospect of actually doing that with someone who DOES care about them.  The first is a possible relief from the pain of current reality. The second is a new reality that threatens more pain. When you move from the realm of a theoretical escape, & become real, you are dangerous & threatening.

For someone wBPD, wanting is hopeful but getting feels fraught with risk and possible loss (of self, of you ... . ).  So it makes perfect sense that they would rhapsodize to a third party about you but push you away when you are really there.
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Bananas
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« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2013, 01:33:01 PM »

For someone w/an attachment disorder, the idea of possibly connecting or reconnecting with someone who might still care about them is completely different from the actual prospect of actually doing that with someone who DOES care about them.  The first is a possible relief from the pain of current reality. The second is a new reality that threatens more pain. When you move from the realm of a theoretical escape, & become real, you are dangerous & threatening.

For someone wBPD, wanting is hopeful but getting feels fraught with risk and possible loss (of self, of you ... . ).  So it makes perfect sense that they would rhapsodize to a third party about you but push you away when you are really there.

Thank you patientandclear for explaining things in this way, for making sense out of what I cannot make sense of.  It makes me feel incredibly sad though, for both of us.  More often than not, the more I understand, the more I cry.  I'm not thinking that is a bad thing, and hoping it is just part of the detachment process.     
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patientandclear
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« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2013, 01:42:50 PM »

I know. Me too.
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