Hi Stop2think and
I havd been contemplating the last week on my behavior in the r/s with my ex. As he was undiagnosed, I doubt my own judgement at times on whether I am accusing him now of BPD to make sense of the situations then and today, as his breakup with me made no sense to ME.
We do contribute in a way too but never expected that our efforts to rectifying and seriously working towards reviving the r/s would be pointless. Or are our actions too late.
I think it is reasonable to doubt oneself from time to time. You're looking for understanding as to why your ex behaved the way he did. You don't have to accuse him of anything, but if it helps you to cope with your pain, why is it a bad thing to consider that maybe he suffered from this disorder?
As I cannot accept my mistakes and confess to him anymore, I thought perhaps share it with you all , my only support in these terribly rough times.
1. I lied to him that my parents were looking for suitable alliances for me. (Still don't know why was doing that?)
2. I lied to him that 2 of my friends (family friends) proposed to me. I eventually confessed to him about this. But was it too late?
3. I begged for him to be friends after our breakup, he said we could be in time. He continued to blame me for his behavior and decision to breakup and to marry someone else.
So you lied to him. Are any one of these lies a deal breaker? I can already guess why you told such lies.
By telling him that you had other opportunities to find another partner was a way to get him to stay. Maybe you consciously knew this but if he suffers from BPD, then he has a disordered fear of abandonment. Abandonment happens when one is left behind. By telling him you had others you could turn to, would triggers his fear of abandonment, and so in effect, that probably pushed him to cling to you.
Your second confession probably had the same effect. By telling him that there were others, it probably had the effect of triggering him to want to win you over in order to avoid his imagined abandonment. I don't think it was that he was upset that you lied to him can caused him to want to break up with you.
What probably pushed him to want to end your relationship, was again, his fear of abandonment. PwBPD, after being with someone to a point, will see abandonment even if the other person has no intention of leaving. And in their mind, the only way to avoid that imagined abandonment, is to be the one who abandons.
He can't be friends with you after the break-up. He has abandoned you.
He blames you for his behavior and actions because he is unable to accept his own disordered behaviors and actions. It's like an alcoholic blaming other people for why they drink.
Also to be honest to myself about things I take responsibility of. Its been troubling if below were the reason he left me for or otherwise. Still clueless... . or was just out of love with me
Disordered people can fall in (and out) of love in a way that non-disordered people cannot.  :)isordered people can turn on and off their attachments to other people in a way that non-disordered people cannot. If he disordered, the reason he left you was because of his disorder.
Am I the one with abandonment issues?
You are the one with abandonment issues, because you were abandoned. He is the one with a disordered fear of abandonment, because he made decisions on the perception of abandonment that was not based on reality.  :)id you really want to leave him? Were you really trying to abandon him?
We have never contacted eachother since he told me he was engaged and I completely broke down. I lost my cool and told him that he was a j*rk and heartless. He dint really care and ended the call saying that he was getting late and I was wasting his time.
Not a day passes by when I don't think about him... . now married and happily moved on while I am stuck in this hopeless mess.
He may be married. But he is still disordered. You are stuck in this hopeless mess, but you have the opportunity to work your way through this pain. He is doomed to repeat his pain.
You are in the right place.
Best wishes, Schwing