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Author Topic: My Confessions  (Read 367 times)
stop2think
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« on: June 02, 2013, 01:25:54 AM »

Hello all,

I havd been contemplating the last week on my behavior in the r/s with my ex. As he was undiagnosed,  I doubt my own judgement at times on whether I am accusing him now of BPD to make sense of the situations then and today, as his breakup with me made no sense to ME.

We do contribute in a way too but never expected that our efforts to rectifying and seriously working towards reviving the r/s would be pointless. Or are our actions too late.

As I cannot accept my mistakes and confess to him anymore, I thought perhaps share it with you all , my only support in these terribly rough times.

1. I lied to him that my parents were looking for suitable alliances for me. (Still don't know why was doing that?)

2. I lied to him that 2 of my friends (family friends) proposed to me. I eventually confessed to him about this. But was it too late?

3. I begged for him to be friends after our breakup, he said we could be in time. He continued to blame me for his behavior and decision to breakup and to marry someone else.

Also to be honest to myself about things I take responsibility of. Its been troubling if below were the reason he left me for or otherwise. Still clueless... . or was just out of love with me 

Am I the one with abandonment issues?

We have never contacted eachother since he told me he was engaged and I completely broke down. I lost my cool and told him that he was a j*rk and heartless. He dint really care and ended the call saying that he was getting late and I was wasting his time.

Not a day passes by when I don't think about him... . now married and happily moved on while I am stuck in this hopeless mess.
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schwing
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: married to a non
Posts: 3614


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« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2013, 02:41:39 AM »

Hi Stop2think and  Welcome

I havd been contemplating the last week on my behavior in the r/s with my ex. As he was undiagnosed,  I doubt my own judgement at times on whether I am accusing him now of BPD to make sense of the situations then and today, as his breakup with me made no sense to ME.

We do contribute in a way too but never expected that our efforts to rectifying and seriously working towards reviving the r/s would be pointless. Or are our actions too late.

I think it is reasonable to doubt oneself from time to time.  You're looking for understanding as to why your ex behaved the way he did.  You don't have to accuse him of anything, but if it helps you to cope with your pain, why is it a bad thing to consider that maybe he suffered from this disorder?  

As I cannot accept my mistakes and confess to him anymore, I thought perhaps share it with you all , my only support in these terribly rough times.

1. I lied to him that my parents were looking for suitable alliances for me. (Still don't know why was doing that?)

2. I lied to him that 2 of my friends (family friends) proposed to me. I eventually confessed to him about this. But was it too late?

3. I begged for him to be friends after our breakup, he said we could be in time. He continued to blame me for his behavior and decision to breakup and to marry someone else.

So you lied to him.  Are any one of these lies a deal breaker?  I can already guess why you told such lies.

By telling him that you had other opportunities to find another partner was a way to get him to stay.  Maybe you consciously knew this but if he suffers from BPD, then he has a disordered fear of abandonment.  Abandonment happens when one is left behind.  By telling him you had others you could turn to, would triggers his fear of abandonment, and so in effect, that probably pushed him to cling to you.

Your second confession probably had the same effect.  By telling him that there were others, it probably had the effect of triggering him to want to win you over in order to avoid his imagined abandonment.  I don't think it was that he was upset that you lied to him can caused him to want to break up with you.  

What probably pushed him to want to end your relationship, was again, his fear of abandonment.  PwBPD, after being with someone to a point, will see abandonment even if the other person has no intention of leaving.  And in their mind, the only way to avoid that imagined abandonment, is to be the one who abandons.  

He can't be friends with you after the break-up.  He has abandoned you.

He blames you for his behavior and actions because he is unable to accept his own disordered behaviors and actions.  It's like an alcoholic blaming other people for why they drink.  

Also to be honest to myself about things I take responsibility of. Its been troubling if below were the reason he left me for or otherwise. Still clueless... . or was just out of love with me  

Disordered people can fall in (and out) of love in a way that non-disordered people cannot.  :)isordered people can turn on and off their attachments to other people in a way that non-disordered people cannot.  If he disordered, the reason he left you was because of his disorder.

Am I the one with abandonment issues?

You are the one with abandonment issues, because you were abandoned.  He is the one with a disordered fear of abandonment, because he made decisions on the perception of abandonment that was not based on reality.  :)id you really want to leave him?  Were you really trying to abandon him?

We have never contacted eachother since he told me he was engaged and I completely broke down. I lost my cool and told him that he was a j*rk and heartless. He dint really care and ended the call saying that he was getting late and I was wasting his time.

Not a day passes by when I don't think about him... . now married and happily moved on while I am stuck in this hopeless mess.

He may be married.  But he is still disordered.  You are stuck in this hopeless mess, but you have the opportunity to work your way through this pain.  He is doomed to repeat his pain.

You are in the right place.

Best wishes, Schwing
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stop2think
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« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2013, 04:53:42 AM »

Schwing,

I definitely don't think I would abandon him. My love for this man made me weak and blind to my needs and I lost focus only to loose my self respect. I overlooked the most unacceptable behavior and continued to be treated that way.

I took this r/s for granted that he would not leave me.  Apparently he never trusted me as he dint like me meeting guy friends from the beginning of our LDR. I broke up with his couple of times due to his constant controlling and abusive behavior. I always reconsidered and reconcilled for love's sake and it was killing to hear him cry and beg me to take him back.

I don't think these lies wers deal breakers as such, as soon later our families met and we were to get married early this year. But things soon changed as he got more abusive and furious as I got busy traveling for work and while I found time to see places, meet people and go partying with friends there... . be touristy.

I made mors visits than him especially when he could easily afford than me. Travel between my work trips  which was exhausting and expensive but I did once every 2 months.

I shouldn't have, not wanting to be evil or callous but I am not a tool and my love was true. After everything I put up and to change for him when I really dint have to - he does not deserve anyones love. I am sure I am not the first girl he did this too, but I hope he learns the meaning of love and respect women as such.

I was too weak
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Nearlybroken
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Posts: 174


« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2013, 05:19:32 AM »

Stop2think... . I don't think I can give you any advice because my situation is way too recent and raw for me to make sense of it.But I can tell you that I know how you feels and how it feels to be left a total mess whilst the other partner seems to switch off.I adored my expwBPD (still do if I am to be truthful) and did all manner of things to have him prove his love to me.None worked.I have been met with the most sarcastic ,cruel and detached responses to the times when I have tried to explain how I feel.I now look back to the "mistakes" that I made and torture myself over them.If you read my posts you will see some of what I have gone through.I tried to change for him,tried to support him and had everything thrown back in my face.He is now NC and is merrily blaming me to anyone who will listen.All I can say to you is that you are not alone (even though you will feel very very isolated in your pain).When I first met my ex, I thought I had met the man I would marry.I loved him so much).But now that I read the stories of others on here I see that he never loved me.He couldn't.Wishing you lots of strength and sending all my love
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stop2think
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Posts: 111


« Reply #4 on: June 02, 2013, 07:28:59 AM »

Nearlybroken,

Thank you so much for that... . I hope we along with the rest of us who are going through a hard time find peace of mind and soul sooner than later.

This site has been my only support and strength which is helping me accept the situation, learn from not just mine but others experiences too.

 to you!
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feelingcrazy7832
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115



« Reply #5 on: June 02, 2013, 07:36:35 AM »

Do not get down on yourself. When we are in a situation with a disordered person (and in my case also a drug addict) things seem so chaotic that we begin to react in ways that are uncharacteristic for ourselves. I said and did things i'm not proud of either but how much can someone really take before they snap? I try not to beat myself up over it. You should not either.
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stop2think
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 111


« Reply #6 on: June 03, 2013, 02:09:13 AM »

feelingcrazy7832,

I am trying to be easy on myself. I know i have made a few mistakes with no intention of hurting him or myself - and i'm working on it to understand the reason i did them at the first place (lying). I believe it was not the fear of loosing him, but as dumb as it sounds it is becasuse i wanted to the idealization to continue in a way.

I do not know if anyone felt this (or is something wrong with me?) i liked when my exbf displayed jealousy, i made me feel important in his life or proved his love and possessiveness of me. (trying to comprehent this)... . or it is a girly thing.



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Findingmysong723
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« Reply #7 on: June 03, 2013, 08:00:48 AM »

Hey Stop2think,

I used to want my boyfriends to be jealous in the past, and maybe even a little now. However, if I really think about it, I really don't want that! A jealous man is just a insecure man who would look at me as more of an object than a person. I would be "his" and he wouldn't want anyone to look at me or talk to me. I remember thinking that if I wanted my next boyfriend to be a little jealous, I would end up with a really jealous guy and I would be miserable.

I think as women sometimes and probably men too believe that jealously means "love," that if someone is jealous they really care about us. I think their more worried about their egos. Of course a partner who loves us with protect us if someone is trying to harm us or stand up for us if someone is trying to disrespect us, but they don't have to go out of their way to start an issue that isn't really there!
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