I had a personal breakthrough

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi guys,

I usually post on the staying board but this seems more fitting here.

After having the usual type of BPD r/s with my b/f for a year and a half something shifted for me at last night.

We were getting back together gently and successfully after he had ended things  - and it was going very well for the first few days. I reacted to something he had done yesterday as I would normally do (issues with his lack of boundaries with other women which leave me feeling secondary - this is not in my head btw!) I dont shout at him - I simply question the behaviour as calmly as I can.

He raged (as he would normally do) and things esculated to the point where he questioned ending things again. I tried to remain calm.

At this point I opened up to him about my own FOO issues. These are things I have only told 2 people before and have NEVER told a boyfriend. I would have never DREAMT of telling a boyfriend.

I was blown over by how well my b/f responded. He was wonderful. The rage stopped dead in its tracks (not that that was my aim - I just wanted to tell him for some reason) He comforted me, looked after me and listened and told me I was brave. The following morning he was still thanking me for telling him and how it made him feel closer to me and more able to understand me (he has FOO issues too)

I feel amazingly better in myself for opening up to him. I attend co-dep meetings and read here and have often seen the link between our own FOO issues and the attraction to a BPD who perhaps triggers these feelings to come up.

I know I still have his BPD to deal with and thats not going away but I am amazed at how me opening up to him helped ME. Of course I am nervous that this could be twisted at a later date into things being essentially my fault (they really arent) but it felt good to take some responsibility for what I was bringing to the table.

Has this happened to any of you before?

[connect]

Hi guys,

I usually post on the staying board but this seems more fitting here.

After having the usual type of BPD r/s with my b/f for a year and a half something shifted for me at last night.

We were getting back together gently and successfully after he had ended things  - and it was going very well for the first few days. I reacted to something he had done yesterday as I would normally do (issues with his lack of boundaries with other women which leave me feeling secondary - this is not in my head btw!) I dont shout at him - I simply question the behaviour as calmly as I can.

He raged (as he would normally do) and things esculated to the point where he questioned ending things again. I tried to remain calm.

At this point I opened up to him about my own FOO issues. These are things I have only told 2 people before and have NEVER told a boyfriend. I would have never DREAMT of telling a boyfriend.

I was blown over by how well my b/f responded. He was wonderful. The rage stopped dead in its tracks (not that that was my aim - I just wanted to tell him for some reason) He comforted me, looked after me and listened and told me I was brave. The following morning he was still thanking me for telling him and how it made him feel closer to me and more able to understand me (he has FOO issues too)

I feel amazingly better in myself for opening up to him. I attend co-dep meetings and read here and have often seen the link between our own FOO issues and the attraction to a BPD who perhaps triggers these feelings to come up.

I know I still have his BPD to deal with and thats not going away but I am amazed at how me opening up to him helped ME. Of course I am nervous that this could be twisted at a later date into things being essentially my fault (they really arent) but it felt good to take some responsibility for what I was bringing to the table.

Has this happened to any of you before?

[MaybeSo]

Hi Connect!  Good job in starting to explore your own history!

Having your own a-ha! moments and insights into what makes you tick is always a good thing!

I do want to prepare you for something that might come to pass.  Others can chime in here, but I will just share with you from my personal experience.  I say "might" because everyone is different, even folks who have a borderline organization are still unique... . there are no cookie cutter people... .

BUT... .

In my experience, I too had some insight into why certain things my ex did bothered me so much; to be clear, they would likely bother most people, but I was taking ownership and connecting the dots about why some of his actions were so bothersome and triggering to ME... . and I too wanted to take ownership and I thought it would bring us closer and give him better insight/empathy into our dynamic... .

and like your guy, my ex was actually quite wonderfully responsive to my sharing with him!   I opened up to him, exposed some vulnerable, soft underbelly stuff, and he did feel honored and closer to me for having shared a important part of myself with him.  He loved that the intense focus on his stuff was off him, and on me, he did feel closer to me, ... . he liked everything about it.  So all was fine... . until... .

Sigh. 

He got dysregulated and used the stuff I shared with him against me.   :'(  OUCH!

Yup.  It was NOT cool. 

He took some really vulnerable stuff, and  handled it really well when he was feeling 'good'... .

but then when we had the next bump in the road, OMG... . he used the information I shared with him like bullets.  Basically it gave him permission to assign all blame for any and all misunderstandings to ME and only ME because my daddy left me when I was five years old so that's why I'm psycho about him flirting all the time and having emotional affairs with other women. OUCH!  He taunted me, he toyed with me, he tested me, in one nauseating incident he did a really sick little fake-pantimine of me as this fragile, whiney, stupid little girl who can't do anything without falling apart (really one of the worst experiences I've ever had in  my life, I was posting on this board that night just to keep from having a total breakdown).  Basically, it was horrible.

So... . sigh... .

There was a period where my sharing with HIM about my personal history actually made things MUCH MUCH worse between us... . because frankly... . when he took that vulnerable stuff and used it against me (while dysregulated)... . that's when I really lost my sense of balance; I wanted to murdle that man!  OMG, I have never been so hurt and pissed off before at any other human being in my whole life, not even my father... . who did in fact leave us for another woman when I was five years old!  But my father never verbally tormented me about it! 

So... . what I want to say is... .

BE CAREFUL.

Honestly, today, my ex would not use that stuff against me anymore and if he tried I'd have his butt out the door in a NY minute.  He has come a long way. But 4 years ago? OMG... . sharing that information with him was like putting a loaded gun into the hands of an out of control kid and the worst part was, I didn't know until it was too late! 

Do NOT expect your bf to have the  maturity to provide a consistently safe container for really sensitive, important, personal things.  Now, maybe your guy will be different, but my experience is when they go sideways and get dysregulated, all bets are off, and I've read way too many stories of others on this site being shell-shocked that the tender bits they shared with their lover in good moments got hurled at them in battle in the most disgusting  manner.

If he does do that, it will be very important that you get out of the line of fire ASAP and to safety.  My mistake was buying into it and I stood there and battled this crap out with him in the past, and in doing so, I really did a number on myself.  If someone starts to use sensitive material in a fight as a way to hurt you... . get the H out of there, immediately. Do not stand there and argue with them, do not stand there and JADE, it will mess with your mind, it is not good for you, it will serve NO PURPOSE, get out of there if he ever starts down that road.  You can go back when he's in his right mind, but do NOT stay in a room with a dysregulated person who has crap on you.  Even therapists know... . do not sit there and let a crazy person into your head when they are crazy.  You end it.  It's bad for both of you.   DO NOT GET INTO anything personal like this with him if he's even a little dysregulated... . run for the hills. 

And get really strong about knowing... . that yes, you have your baggage, but you also have every right to have feelings and boundaries and limits. 

[Cardinals in Flight]

Ditto what Maybeso says, disclose with caution!

I too was very open and honest about my FOO issues, (abandonment from my father, rejection from my mother), and it was turned against me during a rage after initially being received with a great deal of thoughtfulness and support.

It's like they can't help themselves, it's information shared and pwBPD feels entitled to use it to their advantage.

There's a fine line between being completely open and vulnerable, and withholding anything we don't think we could take as a bullet later on, feels gamey, or dishonest perhaps?, but until we're 'bullet proof', we have to decide to err on the side of self-protection, that's my opinion anyway.

CiF

[connect]

Thanks so much for your advice on this - haven't got much time  now so will post more later but thanks again